THE BETTER BUSINESS BURRO Part Five
[[Jeffrey looks at the list.]]
CHECKLIST:
1. DON'T DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL
2. RETRIEVE RARE "AMULET OF WORTH" FROM ANCIENT FOREST. SUBMIT TO IRS EACH AND EVERY MONTH
3. DON'T MAKE FUNNY FACES IN YOUR PASSPORT PHOTO
4. THOSE AIG ASSHOLES ARE GETTIN' PAID CRAZY LARGE. WHY AREN'T YOU?
5. DON'T HAVE MORE THAN 11 MISTRESSES
6. ARTIFACT AND MAINTAIN A VERITABLE LIBRARY OF RECEIPTS AND OTHER PAPERWORK BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAVE COMPUTERS NOW OR ANYTHING
7. WEAVE INTO AND OUT OF TRAFFIC AT BREAKNECK SPEED
8. I KNOW THE BARTENDER AT SLOUCHY'S AND HE HAS SOME. HE SAID YOU CAN HAVE SOME IF YOU GIVE HIM A BETTER BUSINESSMAN.
Jeffrey: So...all I gotta do just follow this checklist and I'll be a better businessman?
[[Better Business Burro looks at list]]
Burro: ...
[[Close-up of Burro blushing]]
[[Burro holds up a sign]]
Sign: wrong list.
[[Burro puts a new list in front of Jeffrey]]
BETTER BUSINESS BURRO'S BETTER BUSINESSMAN CHECKLIST
1. DON'T DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL
2. BE SUPER LAME AND ACT "PROFESSIONAL" ALL THE TIME
3. WEAR A NECKTIE, SHOWER EVERY DAY
4. HAVE STUPID MEETINGS ALL THE TIME FOR NO REASON
5. TAKE ALL KINDS OF CRAP FROM EVERYONE ALL THE TIME
6. MONETIZE WORKFLOW SYMMETRY
7. LEGALLY EXPLOIT LABOR LAWS USING "LOOPHOLES"
8. BE A COMPLETE TOOL
Jeffrey: What the crap?! I didn't accidentally become a businessman so that I could act like <b>this</b>!
Jeffrey: Topatoco is going to screw up sometimes and we're gonna do weird stuff that don't make any sense 'cause we are <i>human beans</i>.
Jeffrey: And we're <u>Americans</u>*.
ONE WEEK LATER...
[[Jeffrey in a brown hoodie and jeans, beard grown out, curled up next to a sign under a graffiti-covered overpass.]]
Sign: WILL TAKE OFF PANTS AND DANCE FOR RAMEN
{{next to copyright information: * A MINIMUM OF 50% OF TOPATOCO EMPLOYEES CURRENTLY ARE OR HAVE BEEN LEGALLY CONSIDERED AMERICAN CITIZENS}}
{{title text: MISSING SCENE: Jeffrey at US/Canada border, blood-spattered passport in foreground in which Jeffrey is making a goofy face. Armed border guards, firearms still smoking, are openly weeping. -OR- Wait, THIS was my Christmas story this year? Man.}}