You're browsing the archives of Calamities of Nature.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| A Successful Failure | [[Aaron and Harold are sitting in the forest at dusk.]]
/ Harold: How do I know if I'm a failure or not? / Aaron: If you're asking that question, then you probably know the answer. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=271 |
| Philosophy is Dead | [[Aaron is talking to an obvious philosopher. You can tell because of the pretentious ponytail, and the lack of a tie.]]
/ Aaron: Hey postmodern philosopher. What's up?
/ Philosopher: Just the usual... / Philosopher: ... misapplying the theory of relativity, misappropriating Heisenburg's uncertainty principle, misinterpreting G?del's incompleteness theorem. / Aaron: It might help if you learned some math and physics.
/ Philosopher: Believe me, I've tried. / Philosopher: Why do you think I became a philosopher? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=272 |
| That's Why There's Reader's Digest | [[Alp and Harold are looking at a bookcase in Alp's bathroom.]]
/ Harold: What's with all the books in the bathroom?
/ Alp: I used to be impatient because I hated wasted time in here. / Alp: So I put a little bookcase by the toilet. Now I can go to my heart's content! I actually get smarter the more I'm in the bathroom! / Harold: What a great idea Alp! I gotta try it! Why doesn't everyone do this? / [[Harold is at a doctor's office]]
/ Doctor: I'm sorry sir, it's hemorrhoids. / {{title text: That's Why There's Reader's Digest}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=273 |
| The Crackpot Conundrum | [[Aaron and Harold are walking outside in some sort of weird area with red -leaved tress and strange rock formations.]]
/ Aaron: There are so many crazy ideas to debunk. Creationism. Astrology. Aliens. The future survival of newspapers. / Harold: But is it even worth engaging in debates on non-sensical points of view? Doesn't it just provide a false impression of credibility? / Harold: Maybe we should just ignore them altogether. By using legitimate discussions, we can lead by example, which may be more constructive in the end. / Aaron: I have two words for you: Ruthless mockery.
/ Harold: That's the least constructive solution of all!
/ Aaron: Yeah, but it's the most fun! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=274 |
| Paradox Resolved | [[Aaron and Harold are walking through a park or forest.]]
/ Harold: Consider the following, if someone says, "I always lie," are they telling the truth or lying? / Harold: There's no way to know without creating a paradox.
/ Aaron: No, obviously he's lying. You're assuming he can only tell the truth or only lie. / Aaron: If instead that person sometimes lies, then he's just lying in this instance when he says he always lies. There's no paradox. / Harold: Wow, you've solved an age old problem.
/ Aaron: The real problem is that no one asks for my opinion. / {{title text: Paradox Resolved}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=275 |
| Paradox Created | [[Ferdinand is standing near Harold at the table. Harold is arranging different previous comic strips from Calamities of Nature.]]
/ Ferdinand: What the heck are you dong? / Harold: Ferd, you're known for making ridiculous remarks, so I'm helping the readers by organizing the strips you appear in. / Harold: In this pile, I have all the comics in which you make factual statements. / Harold: This second pile contains all the comics where you make false statements. / Ferdinand: I guess today's comic goes in the second pile, huh? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=276 |
| Maybe He'd Like a Churro | [[Aaron is walking down the street, eating a churro. A man is standing on the sidewalk with a sign reading "Stop the invasion! Secure our borders" The man is wearing dark sunglasses, has a plaid shirt, and a Dale Earnhardt hat. The sign has two American flags attached.]]
/ Man: You know why the economy is in the crapper?! Illegal immigrants!! They're a drain on the system! / Aaron: So that's why you're protesting?
/ Man: Damn right! We gotta get tough and get those Mexicans out of here! / [[Aaron points to the American flags.]]
/ Aaron: Why do you have the flag?
/ Man: I'm proud of where I'm from! I wanna make sure everyone known I'm an American! / Aaron: Doesn't the ignorance already give it away? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=277 |
| An Uplifting Invention, Part 1 | [[Alp and Ferdinand are in Alp's house. A phone is sitting on a nearby table.]]
/ Alp: You know how chicks want to weigh less and have bigger breasts? I have the perfect invention to solve both problems at once!
/ Ferdinand: What's that? / Alp: Helium-filled breast implants!!
/ Ferdinand: Spiffy!
/ [[The phone begins to ring.]]
/ < http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=278 |
| An Uplifting Invention, Part 2 | [[Raymond and Alp are standing in Alp's lab. Alp is hold two helium-filled breast implants in either hand.]]
/ Raymond: So this is the invention everyone's talking about? Helium-filled breast implants?
/ Alp: Yup, you can go to a size double D and lose 20 pounds. / Alp: In fact, these are my very first prototypes. They're very difficult and expensive to make, so I have to be very careful not to -- oops!
/ [[Alp accidentally let's go of the breasts, and they begin to float away.]] / [[Alp tries to grab the floating breasts, but it is in vain. They are out of reach.]]
/ Alp: $#@*!! / Raymond: Don't worry, it took Edison over 6,000 attempts to perfect the light bulb.
/ Alp: I don't think I could stand that many boobs on the ceiling. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=279 |
| An Uplifting Invention, Part 3 | [[Harold and Alp and standing in Alp's lab. Alp is holding two helium-filled breast implants, suspended on strings. On the lab bench sits a hammer, a beaker with pink liquid in it, and a telephone.]]
/ Harold: Helium-filled breast implants?! That's your new invention?! I hope you realize how offensive that is! / Harold: There are so many women in this world with image issues, and people like you have no qualms about preying on these insecurities! How do you justify this to yourself?
/ [[The phone rings off-panel.]]
/ < http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=280 |
| An Uplifting Invention, Part 4 | [[Harold and Aaron are walking along a hill above a lake. The tree leaves are red and orange on this cool autumn day.]]
/ Harold: Alp's helium-filled breast implants are selling like crazy.
/ Aaron: Yup, people can't get enough breasts. / Harold: It makes me wonder if people have the same fascination with breasts in societies where women are regularly topless. / Aaron: I don't know, men are probably obsessed with breasts, no matter what the situation. / [[Ferdinand surprisingly appears in the panel. He is sporting a new pair of perky helium-filled breast implants.]]
/ Ferdinand: Ta-da!
/ Aaron: Well, that blows away that theory.
/ Harold: Oh my god...
/ Ferdinand: You're feeling attracted to me, huh? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=281 |
| An Uplifting Invention, Part 5 | [[Raymond and Ferdinand are walking through the forest. Ferdinand still has his helium-filled breast implants. The trees are turning red on this autumn day.]]
/ Ferdinand: Ever since Alp gave me helium implants, it's weird having people stare at my chest. / Ferdinand: I'm beginning to think there's a group of sickos out there who actually have a fetish for anthropic characters. / Raymond: You mean "Anthropomorphic." The "anthropic" principle is the explanation that the universe is the way it is because otherwise intelligent beings wouldn't exist to observe it. / [[Ferdinand turns to Raymond.]]
/ Ferdinand: Oh, now THAT'S sick. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=282 |
| An Uplifting Invention, Part 6 | [[Raymond and Ferdinand are standing on a grassy plain. Purple hills sit in the background. Ferdinand still has his grossly over-sized, helium-filled breast implants.]]
/ Raymond: Still enjoying your breast implants?
/ Ferdinand: They're only the best thing ever! / [[The two characters stare at each other for a minute.]] / [[Suddenly Ferdinand's nipples pop up for a split second.]] / [[Ferdinand's nipples subside.]]
/ Raymond: Did a cool breeze just blow past?
/ Ferdinand: How did you know? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=283 |
| An Uplifting Invention, Part 7 | [[Raymond and Alp are talking in Alp's lab. Thousands of helium-filled breast implants are suspended on strings in the background.]]
/ Raymond: Congrats on your helium-filled breast implant invention. I heard they're selling like crazy!
/ Alp: Yeah, too bad I had to stop production. / Raymond: Really? Why?
/ Alp: There was an unforeseen technical issue. / [[Scene cut to a couple eating a candlelit dinner. Woman is well-endowed to say the least.]]
/ Woman: It's so nice of you to make me dinner.
/ Man: Hey, anything for you baby-- / [[In between panels the following sound is heard.]]
/ < http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=284 |
| An Uplifting Invention, Part 8 | [[Harold and Alp are sitting out on an island on a cool, autumn day. The tree leaves are a bright red.]]
/ Harold: Too bad your helium-filled breast implant invention didn't work. How's Ferd taking the loss of his breasts?
/ Alp: He's still crying and rocking in the fetal position / Alp: Oh well, at least this setback gives me the opportunity to develop my new and improved implant idea.
/ Harold: What's that? / Alp: Hydrogen filled! Cheaper and even more weight loss!
/ Harold: Remember the Hindenburg...
/ Alp: Harold, breasts that big would be ridiculous... http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=285 |
| Part of Me, Part of You | [[Aaron and Ferdinand walk along with a sunset in the background.]]
/ Aaron: It's hard to believe we've known each other for 20 years. / Aaron: Since we're continually being replenished as we eat, what fraction of the material that makes up our bodies is the same as 20 years ago? It's like we're completely different beings! / Ferdinand: Maybe material that used to be part of me is now part of you.
/ Aaron: No, that's highly unlikely. / Ferdinand: Yeah, but it's fun to think about.
/ Aaron: No. It's not. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=286 |
| One Too Many Worlds | [[Alp and Ferdinand are sitting at a bar with a woman having drinks. The woman has a martini and Alp and Ferdinand are drinking bears.]]
/ Ferdinand: Hey baby.
/ Woman: What do you want? / Ferdinand: You know, according to the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, right now there's a universe in which we're getting it on! / [[Woman throws drink in Ferd's face.]]
/ Woman: Jerk!! / [[Woman storms off.]]
/ Ferdinand: Chicks don't appreciate the subtleties of quantum mechanics!
/ Alp: This is why there aren't more women in physics. / {{title text: One Too Many Worlds}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=287 |
| What Goes Up Must Come Down | [[Raymond walks in on Ferdinand sitting in a cushy chair and watching TV.]]
/ Raymond: I ate way too much corn last night.
/ Ferdinand: Why do you say that? / Raymond: Let's just say that this morning it made a return visit.
/ Ferdinand: Interesting... / [[Ferdinand sits at kitchen table, eating glitter. Aaron pops his head in from off panel. Ferdinand jumps in surprise.]]
/ Aaron: WHY ARE YOU EATING GLITTER?! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=288 |
| Preventive Medicine | [[Harold sits in a doctor's office, talking to a nurse with a syringe]]
/ Harold: Okay doctor, I'm ready for my shot. / Doctor: Good thing you're doing this. It'll protect you from the epidemic that's currently going on. / [[Outside shot of the clinic that Harold is leaving from. Sign says: Get your anti-hysteria vaccine today!]] / {{other keywords: swine flu, H1N1}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=289 |
| The Future is Messy | [[Harold is sitting in a chair, reading, when Ferdinand jumps at him.]]
/ Ferdinand: AHHHH!! / [[Ferdinand rips Harold's book in two, breaks his reading glasses, and knocks over his cup of tea.]] / [[Ferdinand then breaks the lamp, and uses it to knock over Harold's chair.]] / [[Harold lays on the floor, the room a complete disaster.]]
/ Harold: What are you doing?!
/ Ferdinand: I wanted to make sure you weren't confused about the direction of the arrow of time. / {{other keywords: entropy, the second law of thermodynamics}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=290 |
| Lil' Calamities and the Future | [[The younger versions of Harold and Ferd are talking, with the header "LIL' CALAMITIES" explaining their appearance.]]
/ Lil' Harold: Isn't it great being young? we have our whole lives ahead of us.
/ Lil' Ferdinand: Yup, we can do or be anything we want. / Lil' Harold: Just think, someday soon it'll be our generation's turn to lead the way and really make a difference in this world. / [[Adult Harold and Ferd; watching TV]]
/ TV: Up next: CSI, Miami... / {{alt text: I really hate all these crime drama shows. CSI, Criminal Minds, Bones, Without a Trace, The Closer, Cold Case, Law & Order. It's all crap.}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=291 |
| Being Agreeable | [[Aaron sits at a doctor's office]]
/ Doctor: You blood pressure is too high. You need to reduce your stress by not arguing so much.
/ Aaron: You mean I have to be... agreeable? / [[Aaron talks to a man]]
/ Man: Evolution never happened.
/ Aaron: You're right! *You* clearly never evolved from being a monkey. / [[Aaron talks with another man]]
/ Man: It's impossible to make a living off webcomics.
/ Aaron: You're right. *You* clearly can't make a living off of webcomics. / [[Aaron talks to Harold]]
/ Harold: You're not being agreeable, you're just twisting their words.
/ Aaron: You're right! I should twist everyone's words. / {{other keywords: Ted Rall, webcomics vs. print debate, creationists, Charles Darwin, intelligent design}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=292 |
| The Real Giving Tree, Part 1 | [[Raymond and Aaron are walking through the forest.]]
/ Raymond: There are so many good reasons to become a vegetarian. / Raymond: There's the moral issue of killing and eating another creature. / Raymond: And there's the environmental consideration because raising animals as food is resource intensive. / [[Ferdinand is pointing toward a massive sandwich.]]
/ Aaron: But the counterargument is persuasive too.
/ Ferdinand: Check out my pastrami, bacon, and spam sandwich. Don't stare too long or you might go into cardiac arrest! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=293 |
| The Real Giving Tree, Part 2 | Ferdinand: You made some good arguments about the negatives of eating meat. / Ferdinand: So I'm going to become a vegetarian.
/ [[Ray puts both thumbs up]]
/ Raymond: That's great! / [[We see Ray and Ferd standing in the archetypical countryside. Behind Ray we see a tree. Ray is looking away from the tree. Ferd is looking at the tree. Pigs are growing like fruit in that tree.]]
/ Raymond: I'm glad you've finally come around to my point of view.
/ Raymond: Wait, why are you drooling? / {{Nov 11, 2009 - The Real Giving Tree, Part 2}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=294 |
| The Real Giving Tree, Part 3 | [[Ferd and Raymond are standing in front o f the pig tree]]
/ Ferd: See! And you thought I couldn't be a vegetarian!
/ Raymond: Vegetarian? This doesn't count! / Raymond: where did this come from anyway? How does a pig-growing tree just spring up in the middle of nowhere? / Alp: Just doin' my part to promote vegetarianism!
/ Raymond: Stop using that term!
/ Ferd: What, is herbivore more PC these days? Liberals screw up everything! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=295 |
| The Real Giving Tree, Part 4 | [[ Pigs growing on a tree. ]]
/ Aaron: What happens when a pig gets ripe and falls from your piggy tree?
/ Alp: I didn't think of that, this could get ugly! / Aaron: Maybe you should have grown helium-filled pigs, like your breast implant invention. Then they'd just float away. / Alp: Roger Waters would probably sue me for copyright infringement.
/ Aaron: Not if the pigs have family jewels. / {{alt text: You gotta figure if we're talking about flying pigs that Pink Floyd would come up. Pigs with balls, David Gilmour, Roger Waters.}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=296 |
| The Real Giving Tree, Part 5 | [[Aaron and Harold consider the pig tree.]]
/ Harold: When deciding which animals to eat, should intelligence be a factor? / Harold: Is it more morally reprehensible to eat a dolphin than a shark? Is there a certain level of intelligence above which we should never eat an animal? / A pig on the tree: Is this all you do all day?! Just stand around and discuss stupid crap?! Could you just stick me on a spit and put me out of my misery?! / Aaron: Maybe we should decide what to eat based on a jerk factor.
/ Harold: Hey! Sometimes we *walk* when we discuss too! / {{ alt text: Harold and Aaron discuss Alp's piggy tree invention, and are interrupted by a rude hog.}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=297 |
| The Real Giving Tree, Part 6 | [[Alp stands in front of his lightning-struck pig tree, where all the pigs have X's for eyes]]
/ Alp: Oh my! Lightning hit my piggy tree! / Ferdinand (singing): Alright! I want my baby back baby back, ...Chili's baby back ribs! / Alp: Ferd, how can you joke at a time like this? / Alp: We don't even have any barbecue sauce!
/ Ferd: It's okay, I always keep some "sweet baby rays" in my pocket.
/ Alp: Where did that come from? You don't have pockets! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=298 |
| It's Sickening | [[Harold and Aaron walking in the woods.]]
/ Harold: Remember when people used to believe in witches? / Harold: Hasty decisions were made based on hearsay and rumors, leading to a lot of innocent people getting hurt. / Harold: Good thing those days are in our past. Now we have the scientific process to guide the way. / [[Harold and Aaron now at home watching TV]]
/ TV Announcer: ...And the anti-vaccine movement continues to sweep the nation... / {{ alt text: Comic about antivaxxers and the anti-vaccine movement.}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=299 |
| Number 300 | Ferd: Did you hear the big news?! This is our 300th comic strip!
/ Aaron: Whoop de freakin' doo. / Aaron: Charles Schulz worked on "Peanuts" for fifty years, drawing 17,897 comic strips. Plus, his were actually good! / Ferd: *How did we get stuck with a lazy bastard for a creator?!*
/ Aaron: Don't worry, at our current rate, we'll catch up in 2122. / {{alt text: My 300th Calamities of Nature comic. Discusses Charles Schulz and the 17897 Peanuts comics he drew over 50 years. Charlie Brown, Snoopy.}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=300 |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 >>