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Hot Dog!, Page 3	[[Aaron and Ferdinand in the kitchen.]] / Ferdinand: When you have skillz like me, they can't be wasted washing dishes! / Aaron: Okay since you got "skillz", let's make this interesting! / Aaron: I get that you won't win, and if I'm right you hafta wash all the dishes for the next year! / Ferdinand: Okay, but if I do win then you hafta wash all the dishes for the next year! / Aaron: You idiot! I already* wash all the dishes! But fine, if that's what you want, then it's a bet! / Ferd: Fine! / Aaron: Fine! / [[Ferd and Aaron turn away from each other, silently thinking:]] / Ferd: ((Chump.)) / Aaron: ((Moron.)) http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=31
Hot Dog!, Page 4	[[ Hot Dog eating contest. Outdoors, a large crowd faces a building with a stage and a row of contestants. Ferd in the middle, is the smallest contestant. Above the contestants, flags fly, a large Hot Dog and bun appears with the words "Calamity County Hot Dog Eating Championship" written on the roll. Below the Hot Dog we see "Sponsored by the Rat Exterminators of America"]] / Public Address announcer: Welcome to the 936th weekly Calamity County Hot Dog eating contest! It looks like a great day for eating hot dogs! The contestants are lining up at their stations. / Ferdinand: Oh man, this is exciting! What should I spend my winnings on? / Ferdinand: Maybe I could finally get those peck implants I've dreamed of! / Public Address announcer: The rules are that each contestant has 12 minutes to eat as many Hot Dogs as possible. Both the Hot Dog and the bun must be eaten for it to count! / Ferdinand: ((Scratch scratch)) / [[Ferdinand talks to the contestant to his left, a large man wearing a blue "NYPD" shirt]] / Ferdinand: Hey big guy, how many do you think you'll eat? ...7? ...8? ... / NYPD: The record is 66, so that's what I'll be shootin' for. / Ferdinand: 66?! / Ferdinand: What size Hot Dogs are we eating?! Those little weenies?! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=32
Hot Dog!, Page 5	[[ Hot Dog eating contest. Contestant to Ferdinand's left is a large man wearing a blue "NYPD" shirt.]] / NYPD: Full size!! Wait a minute! Have you ever done one of these contests before? / Ferdinand: Um... Um... / Ferdinand: Of course! I've done these hundreds of times! I'm a professional! / NYPD: Okay, I'd hate to see some novice make a mockery of this event. It's a hallowed tradition! / Ferdinand: Novice?! I practically invented Hot Dog eating! / Ferdinand: ((Thinking: 66 Hot Dogs?! That probably weighs more than me!)) / Ferdinand: ((Thinking: Something tells me that this isn't part of the Surgeon General's dietary recommendations!)) / Public Address announcer: The Hot Dogs are being set up for each competitor! Get ready to begin at the sound of the bell! / Ferdinand: Alright, now we're talkin'! / Ferdinand: By the way, are these Kosher? / Ferdinand: That means they're made from pork, right? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=33
Hot Dog!, Page 6	[[ Hot Dog eating contest. Contestant to Ferdinand's left is a large man wearing a blue "NYPD" shirt.]] / NYPD: Pork?! Kosher hot dogs can't be made from pork! Are you crazy?! / Ferdinand: They can't?-- I mean, I knew that! I was just testing you! Good job. / [[Ferdinand looks at the pile of hot dogs in front of him]] / Ferdinand: Hmm... / Ferdinand: What's this? No ketchup?! / Ferdinand: How can they expect us to eat these without ketchup or even relish?! / Ferdinand: Some fresh diced onions wouldn't be bad either! / NYPD: I can't take this guy anymore! Does anybody want to trade spots with me? Anybody?! / Ferdinand: Hey, I was just askin'! It's okay, plain's fine! / Public Address announcer: Everything now looks ready! On the count of three we begin! Everyone count together with me! One! Two! Three! <> GO! Eat! Eat! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=34
Hot Dog!, Page 7	[[ Hot Dog eating contest underway. See the contestants... (except Ferdinand)]] / <> <> <> <> / <> <> <> <> / <<burp>> < / <> <> <> <> / <> <> / < <> <> <> / <> <> / <> <> <> / [[Where's Ferdinand- oh, here he's calmly taking his first bite.]] / Ferdinand: ((munch munch munch)) / [[ Ferdinand now prepares to take his second bite... ]] http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=35

Hot Dog!, Page 8	[[ Hot Dog eating contest underway. See the contestants... (except Ferdinand)]] / <> <> <> / <> <> <> / <> <> <> / [[Where's Ferdinand- oh, here he is...]]] / Ferdinand: ((munch munch munch)) / [[ Ferdinand takes another bite. ]] / Ferdinand: ((munch munch munch)) / Public Address announcer: We have six minutes remaining! The leader has eaten 31 Hot Dogs! / Ferdinand: Oh man, I'm way behing... By like... Um... Let's see... 1... 2... . / Ferdinand: 30?! / Ferdinand: I spent too much time savoring the flavor! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=36
Hot Dog!, Page 9	[[ Hot Dog eating contest underway, just past the halfway point. Ferdinand has just realized he's about 30 hot dogs behind]] / Ferdinand: I can't lose my bet with Aaron! / Ferdinand: How will I handle the loss of dignity if I'm forced to wash dishes for the next year?! / Ferdinand: Not to mention what the hot water will do to my manicure! / Ferdinand: There has to be some way to catch up! / Ferdinand: Hmm... / Ferdinand: ... I know!! / Ferdinand: I'll just put the Hot Dog under my hat like so... / Ferdinand: ...And Ta-Dah!! I'm one closer to the leader! / Public Address announcer: The leader has now eaten 46 Hot Dogs! Three minutes remaining. / http://bit.ly/12CF85: Hey, no fair! I better hurry! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=37
Hot Dog!, Page 10	[[ Hot Dog eating contest underway, the last few seconds!...]] / <> <> / [[ Hand grabbing another Hot Dog...]] / <> <> / Public Address announcer: And that's time! / Public Address announcer: Everyone put their hot dogs down and please wait while the judges tally their totals. / Public Address announcer: The judges have handed me their results. The winner of the Calamity County Hot Dog eating Championship, in an amazing comeback and with a world record 72 Hot Dogs, is... FERDINAND D. GROUNDHOG!! / Contestant: What the--?! / Contestant: Who the-- ?! / Contestant (NYPD): How the hell?! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=38
Hot Dog!, Page 11	[[ Hot Dog eating contest- Competition is over, and Ferdinand has won! 72 hot dogs in 12 minutes! We see the victor, hands raised...]] / Ferdinand: I DID IT! I am the Hot Dog eating champion! / Ferdinand: My lifelong dream to become rich and famous has come true! / Ferdinand: I gotta' get myself an agent! I gotta' get myself a trophy wife! / Ferdinand: I wonder if Diane Sawyer is available. / [[ ... with Hot Dogs sticking out from under his cap; Hot Dogs sticking out of his collar; Hot Dogs sticking out of his sleeves; with a shirt barely hiding many strange lumps and bulges; Hot Dogs sticking out of his waistband...]] / Contestant: GRRR... / Contestant: GRRR... / Ferdinand: What seems to be the problem here? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=39
Hot Dog!, Page 12	[[ Hot Dog eating contest- Aftermath. Ferdinand and Aaron back in the kitchen. Ferdinand with scrapes and bruises, bandages, a black eye...]] / Ferdinand: Well, the Hot Dog eating contest didn't work out the way I was hoping. / Aaron: No kidding! Your beating was all over the news! / Ferdinand: I thought it would be fun, but it was actually pretty gross. / Ferdinand: I can't believe people eat like that! / Aaron: Could you imagine if people ate like that all the time? / Ferdinand: No way! / Alp: I'm heading over to Bob's Bodacious Burger Barn. Want anything? / Ferdinand: Triple cheeseburger, fries, and a shake. Make sure you Gigantisize it. / Alp: Alright! / Aaron: Did you at least learn anything from your experience? / Ferdinand: Yeah... / Ferdinand: ... I gotta' start wearing pocketed shirts! / Aaron: Great... http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=40

Hot Dog!, Page 13	[[ Hot Dog eating contest- Aftermath. Ferdinand and Aaron back in the kitchen. Ferdinand with scrapes and bruises, bandages, a black eye...]] / Aaron: By the way, I felt bad about you losing, so I bought you a present. I hope it cheers you up a little bit. / Ferdinand: Really?! Wow Aaron! That's so thoughtful! I feel better already! / Ferdinand: What is it?! What is it?! / Aaron: Here you go! Enjoy! / [[Arron hands Ferdinand a bottle of "Dish Soap" and a sponge.]] / Ferdinand: You're a %@#$* riot! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=41
Very Remote Control	Alp: Ferdinand, check out my newest invention, the TV Remote Control Locator! / Alp: When you push this button, a map displays the location of the remote. / Alp: You'll never worry about losing it again! / Ferdinand: What if you can't find the remote locator? / Alp: I figured that might happen... / Alp: ... that's why I made the Remote Locator Locator! / Alp: Its display shows where the Remote Locator is. / Ferdinand: What if you can't find the remote locator locator? / Alp: For that I made the Remote Locator Locator Locator! / Ferdinand: And what if you can't find the remote locator locator locator? / [[Three hours later...]] / [[A pile of locator locators towers over the boys...]] / Ferdinand: Alright, let's watch some TV... / Ferdinand: ... could you grab the remote? / [[... which is buried under all the locators...]] http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=42
World Domination	[[Aaron walks out the door, whistling.]] / [[Aaron turns around.]] / [[Aaron wears a surprised expression.]] / [[Every building is a Starbucks coffee. There is a plane leading a banner with "Starbucks" on it, and a Starbucks cup is on the ground.]] / Aaron: Well, I guess it was inevitable. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=43
Wax Eloquent	[[Ferdinand and Harold are standing out on a grassy area with the sun setting behind them.]] / Ferdinand: What's that? / Harold: My rubber band ball... / Harold: ...Everytime I get a rubber band, from the newspaper or wherever, I add it to this ball. / Ferdinand: That's a great idea! I shoulda thought of that... / Ferdinand: ...Instead of an earwax ball. / [[Camera pans back to show a humongous ball of wax with a horse, cold pizza, a Pepsi can, flower, pencil, horse shoe, tennis racket, lite beer, and other assorted objects stuck in it.]] http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=44
Creationists, Part 1	Alp: I can't believe it! / Aaron: A Creationist is making a serious run for the Republican nomination. / Alp: So what? Huckabee's a Creationist, what's the big deal? / Aaron: Do you even know what a creationist is? It's someone who... / [[Aaron leans over and whispers in Alp's ear.]] / <><><> / [[Alp faints.]] / Aaron: I guess that was kinda' unfair without due warning... / {{other keywords: evolution, Darwin, intelligent design}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=45

Creationists, Part 2	Alp: What happened? / Aaron: I explained what a Creationist is and you fainted! / Alp: How could a prospective president be such a royal doofus?! / Aaron: What gets me is when people say evolution is only a "theory." Semantics people! / Alp: If everyone just saw that exhibit at the Smithsonian, showing how the horse has changed over the last 50 million years, there wouldn't be any discussion! / Aaron: Let's watch the debates! / TV: ... and for my first act as president I pledge to remove the horse evolution exhibit from the Smithsonian. / {{other keywords: creationist, intelligent design, Darwin}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=46
Groundhog's Day	[[Alp and Harold are waiting at Ferdinand's door when Alp walks up.]] / Alp: Why are you waiting at Ferd's door? / Harold and Aaron (together): Today's Groundhog's Day! / Harold: If the groundhog sees his shadow when he emerges, that means six more weeks of winter. Otherwise it will be an early spring. / Alp: That makes no sense on so many different levels that I don't even know where to begin. / Alp: I like it! / [[doorknob clicks]] / <> / Aaron: Here he comes! / Alp: The suspense is killing me! / Ferdinand: Man, this is one bad hangover! Everything seems so bright, I can't see a gosh-darn thing! / Harold, Aaron, and Alp (shouting together): YEAH!! SPRING!! / Ferdinand: Ah, my head!! / Ferdinand: Noise! Bad! / Ferdinand: Make the pain stop? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=47
Holy Guacamole	[[Alp and Ferdinand sit at a table with nachos and guacamole. Aaron stands in the background.]] / Alp: You know what? No matter what you're eating, it tastes better with guacamole! / Ferdinand: Amen brother! / Alp: Take a burger for example. Just add guacamole and it's like 10 billion times more scrumptious! / Ferdinand: Tru dat! / Aaron: What the heck are you talking about?! Would you want guacamole on spaghetti, on your ice cream sundae, or in your coffee? / Alp: Wow Aaron! Stupendous suggestions! / Ferdinand: Yeah! you're making my mouth water! / Alp: Wait! I just had an epiphany! / Alp: What if you put guacamole on guacamole? / Ferdinand: Yes!!! The perfect food! You're a genius! / Aaron: Idiots! Surrounded by idiots! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=48
Wacko Jacko	[[Alp and Ferd walk through the wilderness. It's presumably winter, because they're wearing scarves.]] / Ferdinand: Is it okay to like Micheal Jackson again? / Alp: What do you mean? / Ferdinand: Yesterday at the record store I really wanted to buy "Thriller," but I was afraid the cashier would think I was a pervert! / Alp: That's an age old dilemma. Either adhere to your moral standards or give into the beat. / Ferdinand: There should be a statute of limitations after which we can listen to his music without being guilty. / Alp: There's plenty of other music. Why not pick something else? / Ferdinand: But there's only one Billie Jean! / Alp: True. / Alp: Just like Twinkies and Cheese Whiz, anything that's enjoyable is a guilty pleasure. / Ferdinand: Hmm... I know... maybe I'll get an R. Kelly CD instead! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=49
Burning Ears	[[Aaron listening to music on headphones. Unseen, Ferdinand's hand reaches for the control box...]] / Aaron: AHHHH! MY EARS!!! MY EARS!! / Ferdinand: Hee! Hee! / Aaron: MAKE THE PAIN STOP! HELP, HELP, MY EARS! / Alp and Ferd: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! / Aaron: MY EARS ARE BURNING! OH, THE HUMANITY!! / Alp: Wait, what'd you do? Crank the volume? / Ferdinand: Nah... I turned on Christian Rock. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=50

Valentine's Day	[[Harold is standing in front of the mailbox.]] / Harold: sigh Time to check for Valentines. I don't know why I always get so worked up when I always get nothing. / Harold: No, I need to be more optimistic! There's at least one person out there who sent me something to make me feel special. / Harold: Well, here goes nothin-- / Alp: 'scuse me! / Alp: Wow, look at all the Valentines! This one's for me. One for me. Another for me. This one's for... Hmm.. Me. Three for me... Um... Let's see... Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. And... Me. / Alp: I guess they're all for me! / [[ Alp walks off with an armload of Valentines.]] / Alp: If it makes you feel better, Charlie Brown when through this for 50 years. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=51
Yaaahh!	[[ Harold, with paints, easel, and canvas; on a hilltop with a fine view of more hills off to a distant horizon. Harold is painting the scene.]] / [[ Suddenly Ferd appears...]] / Ferd: YAAAAHH! / [[Ferd attacks the painting, puts a hole through the canvas]] / <> / [[ Ferd cracks the frame over his knee]] / <> / [[ And kicks the pieces... ]] / <> / Harold: Why did you do that?!?! / Ferd: 'Roid Rage. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=52
Fashion Accessory	Aaron: Oh my God! What's that on your neck?! / Ferdinand: You noticed! It's my new bow tie. I think it gives me a certain distinguished presence. / [[ Ferd is wearing a large, pink with white polka-dots bow tie. ]] / Aaron: Hmmm... Let's see... George Will... Louis Farrakhan... Pee Wee Herman... Yeah, that's a distinguished* group you've joined. / Aaron: The bow tie may very well be one of the worst fashion accessories in history! / Aaron: Oh wait... I can think of one good thing about bow ties. / Ferd: What's that? / [[With a big grin, Aaron pulls the tie away from Ferd's neck several feet, preparing to let it go...]] / Ferdinand: Stop!! Stop!! Don't snap it! Don't snap it! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=53
Skiing	[[Outside scene of ski slopes and a snowy mountain.]] / [[Cut to Harold buying a ticket at the ski lodge.]] / Harold: One ski pass please. / Employee: Sorry, I can't sell you one. / Harold: Why not? / Employee: You're not white. / Harold: What?! A racist conspiracy! I knew there was a reason only white people ski!!! / Employee: It has nothing to do with discrimination. Dark colors absorb more light, which heats and melts snow. / Harold: Then what about golf?! / Employee: the shine off dark skin is distracting when swinging a golf club. / Harold: No wonder Tiger always wins! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=54
Getting a Little Too Friendly	[[ Aaron and Ferdinand at the kitchen table, reading newspapers. ]] / [[ Aaron looks up at Ferdinand. Ferdinand continues reading.]] / Aaron: Are you playing footsie with me? / Ferdinand: Oh sorry, I thought that was the table. / [[ Ferdinand goes back to reading his paper, while Aaron continues to stare at him.]] / Aaron: I don't know what scares me more, that you were accidentally doing that to my foot... / Aaron: ... or that you thought you were doing that to the table. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=55

Watch Your Language	[[Harold and Aaron out for a hike]] / Harold: I was wondering, since thinking is basically talking to oneself, how does somebody think without language? / Harold: Like how does a dog make a decision? Is a dog's thought process just a series of emotions? / Aaron: Maybe a dog barks to itself. / Harold: And how much of a limitation is it if you don't have language? Are there certain ideas or actions that are impossible without it? / [[Alp and Ferd appear wearing some bras and panties, dancing, Ferdinand doing a cartwheel...]] / Alp and Ferdinand: (singing) Cha-cha-cha We're wearing women's undergarments Cha-cha-cha!!! / Alp and Ferdinand: (singing and dancing along...) We're wearing women's undergarments Cha-cha-cha-cha!!! / Harold: Conversely, some actions and ideas do not require any access to language at all. / Aaron: Wow, Alp's a C-cup? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=56
Nursery Rhymes	Ferdinand: The nursery rhyme "Rock-s-bye-baby" is about a baby falling from a tree! / Ferdinand: In "Three Blind Mice" The mice's tails are sadistically cleaved with a carving knife! / Ferdinand: And "Ring Around The Rosie is about the bubonic plague for Christ's sake! / Ferdinand: Tell me, how is a kid supposed to get over all that?! / Aaron: I don't care how traumatizing your childhood was, you still can't have my Twinkie. / Ferdinand: But the high I get from the sugar rush could change my whole outlook on life! / Aaron: Hey, life is but a dream. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=57
Stirring Up Trouble	[[Harold and Alp in Alp's lab]] / Alp: I have a spiffy new invention, a tonic that instantly makes you attractive to the opposite sex. / Harold: Wow, Spiffy! Can I try it? / Alp: Sure, let me stir it up, and then you can try drinking it. / [[ Alp using a metal spoon, stirs a beaker of a bubbling, pale blue-green liquid.]] / [[ Still stirring, the spoon is dissolving ]] / <> / [[ Stirring, but now only the handle of the spoon remains]] / [[Alp and Harold look what's left of the spoon.]] / Alp: I won't blame you if you don't want to drink it. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=58
Stupid Stickers	[[ Aaron and Harold see an "Explorer" SUV with a window sticker showing Bill Watterson's character Calvin (from his "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip) kneeling in prayer in the shadow of a cross.]] / Aaron: This clearly devout Christian has forgotten about the lesser known 11th commandment. / Harold: What's that? / Aaron: Thou shalt not steal intellectual property for a shallow promotion of thy personal beliefs. / Harold: Charlton Heston is probably turning in his grave! / Aaron: Harold, he's not dead... I think. / {{fun fact: Charlton Heston actually died less than 2 weeks after this comic was posted.}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=59
More Stupid Stickers	[[ Aaron and Harold see a Chevy "Tahoe" SUV with a window sticker showing Bill Watterson's character Calvin (from his "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip) pissing on a "FORD" logo.]] / Aaron: God, I hate those stupid stickers. / Harold: The irony is that it's completely counter to the spirit of the comic it's stealing from. / Aaron: I ask you, what kind of person would think these things are amusing?! / [[A person in Nun's habit appears...]] / Nun: Excuse me boys. / [[ The Nun climbs into the SUV... ]] / <> / <> / <> / [[ ... and drives off. ]] / Aaron: What A #@!! world! / Harold: Maybe* she got in the wrong car... / <> / Nun: NUN COMING THROUGH! Get the #@*!! Out of my way! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=60

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