You're browsing the archives of Wingmen.
You can search these comics too.

show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]

150. CHAZ / She's married?! FORNICATOR! / RICK / Well, that's what happened. / What happened... / GRARR! / RICK / Just a minute, babe. / GRARR! / RICK / I said, "Just a minute!" / GRARR! / Shame on you boys! Maybe it would be better if you just left, Rick.
151. MICHAEL / Thanks for meeting with me. I've had something on my mind. / MICHAEL / Too many of my friends are girls I've dated, and I need to start burning those bridges. / MICHAEL / That's all. I just wanted to say goodbye. / SAMANTHA / I understand. Say, do you know anyone who might wanna go to the Creole Music Fest? / MICHAEL / She's a tactical genius.
152. MICHAEL / Hey, Samantha! / SAMANTHA / I've decided I'm tired of "Samantha". I wanna shorten it. / MICHAEL / So you want to be called Sam? / SAMANTHA / I was thinking of using the other part of my name. / MICHAEL / What would that be? / SAMANTHA / "Antha". / MICHAEL / I ask a stupid question, I get a sthupid Antha.
153. BIZZY / Harriet, you've been in there for hours. Are you okay? / HARRIET / I can't stop thinking about David. Sweet, Semitic, charming, bisexual David. / BIZZY / This isn't like you at all. The Harriet I know wouldn't just sit here moping around! / BIZZY / Also, are you bathing in SALSA? / HARRIET / Wanna chip?
154. HARRIET / Do any cute Jewish boys come here? / All kinds of boys come here. / HARRIET / I'm looking for someone named David. Know him? / I know the TYPE. / HARRIET / WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER?!? / HARRIET / Oh.
 
155. HARRIET / David! Fancy seeing you here! / HARRIET / It's so cool to - / DAVID / Good to see you, too. But I just want to be clear up front that I'm seeing someone right now. / HARRIET / Far out. But I'm going to... enter a convent soon. So I guess I win.
156. HARRIET / So, what's this guy you're dating like? / DAVID / Um... / HARRIET / Why is this so much worse? / DAVID / This is Brittany...
157. HARRIET / I'll come right out and say it - I think the only reason we didn't work as a couple was because I don't like your dog. / HARRIET / Last week, I saw a poodle growling at a bigger dog, and I thought, "This poodle doesn't think of itself as a poncy lapdog, it remembers being a wolf." And I found a new respect for ALL dogs. / DAVID / Funny thing is, I had to get rid of Froufy. See, Brittany's allergic.
158. LOUIE / Chaz, I really don't need you to help me meet someone... / CHAZ / It's not that easy, Louie. / CHAZ / You can't just walk up to a group of women and start talking to them! / LOUIE / That's ridiculous... I'll show you how simple it is! / LOUIE / Nice day for a bake sale, isn't it, ladies? / I'LL CUT YOU!! / LOUIE / See? That went just fine.
159. LOUIE / To tell the truth, I kinda like the girl who tried to kill me. / CHAZ / That's not uncommon. What color were her eyes? / LOUIE / Blue, I think. / CHAZ / Go back there and tell her she has pretty eyes. / LOUIE / You know, you have very beautiful... / LOUIE / Now how did I miss that?
 
160. I'm sorry I tried to kill you earlier. / LOUIE / You seemed pretty sincere at the time... / Don't mind that. Everything I say is a lie. / LOUIE / Don't you mean everything you say ISN'T a lie? / THAT'S SO CLEVER.
161. LOUIE / So, would you wanna get a drink some time? / No way. / LOUIE / Cool. Are you free Friday night? / Okay, I'll see you at 8:00. / CHAZ / Tough break, man. / LOUIE / It's alright. She's a strict pathological liar. / CHAZ / So what does "I'll see you at 8:00" mean? / LOUIE / Aw #$∞%.
162. HARRIET / It's pathetic how you stay friends with all you ex-girlfriends, as if you can't move on! / MICHAEL / Well, didn't WE date for a while? And aren't you my friend now? / HARRIET / Yeah, but, now that I know how many more exes there are... / HARRIET / I think it's better for you if we just made a clean break. So long, Michael. / BIZZY / I'm so mad at you, I can hardly speak! / HARRIET / I need a friend.
163. ...And that's why I'm not allowed in the library any more. / I just remembered where I recognize that guy from! I SLEPT with him last summer! / I have fond memories of rehab... / CHAZ / So how's it going with your new girlfriend? / LOUIE / I'm starting to worry that she's NOT a pathological liar...
164. [No text.]
 
165. MISSY / You said you'd call me last night as soon as you got home! / CHAZ / Well - I - uh... / MISSY / I don't under - / RICK / Dude, there's only one thing girls ever really want guys to say. / CHAZ / I... love you... and... I want to... buy you... diamonds. / MISSY / Oh, Chaz! You say the most wonderful things! NOw what were we talking about?
166. CHAZ / That really is all women want me to say, isn't it? "I love you and I want to buy you diamonds." / CHAZ / It really trivializes the whole idea of honest, open communication in a relationship. Wow. / RICK / Chaz, to a woman, conversation is a essentially a game. I'm giving you a way to WIN that game, and MOVE ON to a more meaningful exchange. / CHAZ / You know, you're very articulate when you're being a chauvinist.
167. CHAZ / Rick showed me how to deal with Missy! One phrase takes care of everything. / CHAZ / I just say, "I love you and I want to buy you diamonds!" / MICHAEL / Sweet! We should come up with more stock answers. / CHAZ / Sounds like a great idea, Michael! / MICHAEL / You could even make one up to say to your friends. / CHAZ / Sounds like a great idea, Michael!
168. CHAZ / Tax I.D. number? Is that my social? Are they calling it that because they're phasing out social security? What's a tax I.D.?!? / I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you access your account if you don't give me a tax I.D. number. / CHAZ / I love you and I want to buy you diamonds.
169. CHAZ / Rick, you've got to get me out of this! / RICK / Tell her... (whisper, whisper) / What did you say? / CHAZ / "Is it okay if my ex-girlfriend sleeps on the couch tonight?"
 
170. CHAZ / Thanks for being my best man, Rick. / RICK / You bet. I can't believe how suddenly you got mixed up in a shotgun wedding. / CHAZ / Yeah, that was a little far-fetched. So. What do I tell Missy? / RICK / Tell her you love her and you wanna buy - / CHAZ / No.
171. MICHAEL / Dude, you look awful! Are you alright? / CHAZ / I didn't get any sleep last night. / MICHAEL / How come? / CHAZ / My girlfriend's mad at me. And man, my couch is uncomfortable. / MICHAEL / Aren't you in a long-distance relationship? / CHAZ / She's very persuasive.
172. ELOISE / This is my friend Maryanne. She's visiting this weekend. / MARYANNE / And next weekend, if I can find a place to stay. / MICHAEL / You can sleep in MY bed... / MARYANNE / Thank you so much! But where will YOU sleep?
173. Mew! / BIZZY / Mew! / HARRIET / Give it a rest! / HARRIET / You don't speak cat! / BIZZY / How do you know? / HARRIET / You're repeating back exactly what he's saying! If he's saying he's hungry, you're just mocking him by saying, "I'm hungry," right back! / BIZZY / YOU talk to your cat all the time! / HARRIET / Yes, but my GOAL is to taunt him.
174. NIC / I wish I had another hallucinogenic sandwich... / NIC / I wonder what prescription Newell's glasses are? / [EDIT]
 
175. NIC / Did you hear? These glasses let me see in color! I've been reading up on it! / NIC / Scientists think that with the right kind of lens, our eyes could see different wavelengths of light! / NIC / And objects would appear to have different "colors"! / MICHAEL / Color? You think you sound smart, but you're speaking gibberish. This is exactly why I can't talk to stoners.
176. BIZZY / Why are you looking at me like that? Are you okay, Nic? / NIC / I'm more than okay. These lenses have literally opened my eyes to a rich universe of color. / BIZZY / Really? What's it like? / NIC / Like seeing the world's aura - a window to harmony and love! / NEWELL / GIMME BACK MY GLASSES!
177. CHAZ / It's easy to take a pet for granted, isn't it? I'm gonna work harder to appreciate Cornelius. / MICHAEL / It would be nice if more people felt that way. / Destroy, my precious! Tonight we destroy!
178. CHAZ / Excuse me. Are you trying to take over the world or something? / Of course! I am, after all, a villainess. / CHAZ / A villainous WHAT? / A villainESS! / CHAZ / Villainous? / Villainess! / MICHAEL / Villain? Us?
179. CHAZ / You'll never pull this off! / CHAZ / You're reliant on a giant squid in a ground war! / CHAZ / To stay alive, he'd have to be breathing air! / Or...
 

Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 >>