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| Lesson #61 - Children | Blackboard: The first five things to go through a guy's mind when hearing about someone else's new baby. 1) Hey! A baby! 2) Thank God I'm a guy. 3) (an image of a baby being shot out of a cannon) 4) Congratulations! 5) Man, I hope I didn't say (2) and (3) out loud.
/ Pose: Dante, left side of the board,... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson61.html |
| Recitation #61 - Drunk-Dialing | Blackboard: Q) (From Kris in Michigan)\
/ What are your feelings on being drunk-dialed?\
/ A) Drunk-dialing is the perfect example that despite the intelligence of our species, we are capable of the dumbest acts on the planet.\
/ At least until the next time an alien UFO drunk-abducts some cows.\
/ Pose:... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation61.html |
| Lesson #62 - Music On The Radio | Blackboard: You write a song; is it good?; yes; no; doesn't matter; classical; folk; indie rock; rap; new rock; country; welcome to obscurityville; is your band/song name overly long and ridiculous?; do you have a posse?; are you good looking?; is your song about God, family, or alcohol?; college radio,... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson62.html |
| Recitation #62 - Clones | Blackboard: Q) (From Chris in Bristol, UK)\
/ Would having sex with a clone of yourself be considered masturbation or incest?\
/ A) Honestly, it would be considered desperation.\
/ Pose: Dante, right side of board, pointing with chalk to the board, judgmental look at camera} http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation62.html |
| Lesson #63 - Drivers | Blackboard: With all the idiots on the roads, it has become astoundingly clear why drivers' manuals, despite everything common sense would tell you, have to include the phrase, "at a railroad crossing, a train has right-of-way."
/ Pose: Dante, right side of the board, crossed arms, disappointed expression... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson63.html |
| Recitation #63 - Teetotaling | Blackboard: Q) (From Emily in Connecticut)
/ What is a good way to decline drinking alcohol?
/ A) "Oh, sorry!" I can't drink. I have a terrible phobia of my urine turning clear. It's really debilitating." http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation63.html |
| Lesson #64 - Newlyweds | Blackboard: If you've already been living together for a while, getting married really won't change a whole lot. It just makes it a lot harder to break up. / Pose: Dante, left side of the board, pointing with chalk to the board, neutral look at camera. http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson64.html |
| Recitation #64 - Cats | Blackboard: Q) (From Fred in Aberdeen)
/ How many ways are there to skin a cat?
/ A) Well, really, there's one. First, find a nice smooth cat that is flat on one side. Then, hold it in one hand slightly behind you, with your hand and wrist parellel to the ground. Finally, bring your arm forward and... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation64.html |
| Lesson #65 - Long-Distance Relationships | Blackboard: Long-distance relationships, especially ones where you haven't seen your significant other in some time, may lead to some fantasizing of what he or she looks like. If this happens, when you two finally reunite, don't start it off by saying, "Oh. Well. That's disappointing."
/ Pose: Dante,... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson65.html |
| Recitation #65 - Sex and Candy | Blackboard: Q) (From Stephen in Wisconsin)
/ I've been curious for some time. What does sex and candy really smell life?
/ A) Well, that depends on your relationship status and what you're into, doesn't it? If you're single and not against a little bit on onanism, it might smell like dessert and desperation... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation65.html |
| Lesson #66 - Germaphobes And Their Pets | Blackboard: A normal person's view of two dogs meeting
/ ______________________________________
/ - Hey. Hey.-
/ -Sniff. Sniff.-
/ ________________________________________________
/ A germaphobe's view
/ _______________
/ - Hey. Hey.-
/ -I'm going to rub my face in your privates now, then... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson66.html |
| Recitation #66 - Toothpaste | Blackboard: Q) (From Laura in Virginia)\
/ Mint makes me gag, but all of the toothpaste in the store is somehow mint flavored. What alternatives are there?\
/ A) Rub a nice, meaty steak against your teeth. No mint flavor there!\
/ (Disclaimer: After brushing with the steak, you may need to use mint toothpaste... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation66.html |
| Lesson #67 - Road Signs | Blackboard: drawing of "Slow Children at Play" sign. Either the Dept. of Transportation failed at punctuation, or they have a disturbingly funny sense of humor.
/ Pose: Dante, right side of the board, arms crossed, smiling http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson67.html |
| Recitation #67 - Canine Appearances | Blackboard: (from Daryl in England) / Q: Why do dogs have black lips? / A: What, dogs can't be Goth ? / Pose: German, right side of the board, wearing an oversized labcoat and a downcast expression. http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation67.html |
| Lesson #68 - Roommate Approval Process | Blackboard: Question #1: Are you looking for a new roommate because of: Your drinking problem? Your gambling problem? Your anger management problem? Your love for Abba? Your rent-paying problem? Your recent move to the area? (check all that apply)
/ Pose: Dante, right side of the board, pointing at board... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson68.html |
| Recitation #68 - Ph.D. | Blackboard: (panel 1) Q) (From Lara in Pittsburgh)\
/ What advice would you give to someone thinking about getting a Ph.D.?\
/ (panel 2) Heh.\
/ (panel 3) Bwah ha ha\
/ ha ha ha ha\
/ ha ha ha ha\
/ ha ha ha ha\
/ ha ha ha ha\
/ (panel 4) Ah ha ha ha\
/ ha ha ha ha\
/ ha ha ha ha\
/ ha ha ha ha\
/ ha ha ha ha\
/ (panel... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation68.html |
| Lesson #69 - Political Correctness | Blackboard: Along the lines of changing "Secretary" to "Administrative assistant" why not...
/ "Gas station attendant" to
/ "Hobo" To "Energy distributor"
/ "Clown" To "Freelance urban nomad"
/ "Snakes" To "Child entertainer"
/ "Cheerleader" To "Jock support"
/ "Hooker" To "Public relations manager"
/ Pose:... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson69.html |
| Recitation #69 - Woodchucks | Blackboard: Q) (From at least one person every week)\
/ How much wood would a woodchuck--\
/ A) Who cares.\
/ Pose: Dante, right side of board, one arm across body, other hand over face, head tilted down\ http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation69.html |
| Lesson #70 - Society and iRobot | Blackboard: We already have the Roomba - a vacuum-cleaning robot and the Scuba - a mopping robot. All we need now is The Lawnba - an electric mowing robot, The Dogba - a dog-walking robot, and the Exercba - a fat-sucking robot, and we may never need to get off the couch again!
/ Pose: Dante, left side... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson70.html |
| Recitation #70 - Iambic Pentameter | Blackboard 1: Q) (From JE) / If in Pentameter we always spoke,
/ If each and ev'ry line must measured be,
/ against poetic standards for all folk
/ with numbered syllables consistently
/ what, do you think, thereby would hap
/ to arts and music pop and classical?
/ To blues, to hip hop and, withal, to rap?
/ Would... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation70.html |
| Lesson #71 - Alternate Universes (An Attempted Two-Dimensional Rendering Of An Infinitely-Directional, ... | Blackboard: Our Universe, World where you own a toy robot cat, World where cats created robots, world where you didn't sleep well last night, world where you are a vampire, world with robotic cows, world where you live in Hamburg, Germany, world where you ate a hamburger for dinner, world where hamburgers... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson71.html |
| Recitation #71 - Dinosaur Mating | Blackboard: (panel 1) Q) (From Alex in New York)\
/ How did stegosaurus mate?\
/ A) Well, if you consider that "dating" evolved from "courting" and the entire process has become less 'proper' and less procedural over time, you have to extrapolate strictness back 150 million years.\
/ (panel 2) First, all... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation71.html |
| Lesson #72 - Entrance Themes | Blackboard: What a baseball closer's choice of entrance music says about themselves. Jesus take the wheel - Carrie Underwood "you're in for a bumpy ride, fans. also, I like country." for Nancy - Pete Yorn "I've got this under control. no, really, I do. trust meeeee." bitches - mindless self indulgence.... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson72.html |
| Recitation #72 - Robot Uprisings | Blackboard: (panel 1) Q) (From SSGT Martin from Joint Base Balad, Iraq)\
/ We are making robots that can eat biomass.\
/ We are making robots that can formulate theories and come to their own conclusions.\
/ And we have made robots with naturally aggressive tendencies that attack people.\
/ Should we worry... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation72.html |
| Lesson #73 - Campaign Promises | Blackboard: The only campaign promise you can be guaranteed a candidate will follow through on is that they will indeed promise you something.
/ Pose: Dante, left side of the board, pointing at the board with chalk, neutral expression on face http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson73.html |
| Recitation #73 - Good Girls and Bad Boys | Blackboard: (panel 1) Q) (From Ashley in Pittsburgh)\
/ Why do good girls always fall for bad boys?\
/ (panel 2) A) Good guys are the 'safe', 'always there', 'long-term' option.\
/ And everyone needs to be stupid before they're ready to grow up.\
/ Pose: (panel 1) Dante, right side of board, holding paper... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation73.html |
| Lesson #74 - Time Zones | Blackboard: Once you realize you can travel north from India into Nepal and go ahead by fifteen minutes, or go anywhere within China and never have to change your watch, or have the time change by 90 minutes across Australian state borders, you realize just how stupid time zones really are.
/ Pose: Dante,... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson74.html |
| Recitation #74 - Defenses | Blackboard: Q) (From Derek in Milwaukee)\
/ Does "the best defense is a good offense" apply when giving a thesis defense?\
/ A) Not really, because your thesis committee isn't just the other team--they're also the referees.\
/ Pose: Dante, right side of board, pointing with chalk to the board, other hand... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation74.html |
| Lesson #75 - Weathermen | Blackboard: Being a weatherman (or woman) would certainly be the perfect job, you get to be on TV; you're expected to tell corny jokes; you can be right less than half of the time and still be above average. Except for one thing: if your favorite color is green, you can't wear it to work.
/ Pose: Dante,... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson75.html |
| Recitation #75 - Head-and-Neck Only Halloween Costumes | Blackboard: Panel 1: Q) (From Tom in Exton, PA) My office is having a shoulder-up costume contest. Any ideas on how to make a good head-and0neck only costume? A) Sure! Attach a bell to one shoulder, and every now and then, hit it with your cheek to ring it. Panel 2: When people ask you who you're supposed... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation75.html |
| Lesson #76 - Work Ethic | Blackboard: XY chart. Your Work Ethic vs. Amount of BS Your boss Lets You Get Away With. Data shows inverse proportion. / Pose: Dante, left side of board, arms crossed, contemplative. / File under: Productivity, Work Ethic http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson76.html |
| Recitation #76 - Laboratory Relations | Blackboard: Q)(From Eleanor in Wisconsin)
/ Is it a bad idea to sleep with your Lab Partner?
/ A)Depends if you two have the right Chemistry. / Pose: Dante, Right side of the board, Laughing into hand. / File under: If You Set The Ball On A Tee, It Is Kind Of Hard To Miss http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation76.html |
| Lesson #77 - Seasonal Affective Disorder | Blackboard: Scandinavia in the winter, 11 in the morning "Dear God, won't the sun ever come out?" Scandinavia in the summer, 2 in the morning "Dear God, won't the sun ever go away?" / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, pointing with chalk at the board, neutral look at camera. / File Under: Seasons,... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson77.html |
| Recitation #77 - Curving The Test | Blackboard: (panel 1) Q) (From Dr. Wilson at Wingate University)\
/ What is the best way to set a curve for low exam grades?\
/ (panel 2) A) Well, pick a way.\
/ Arbitrary way: Who has the prettiest eyes?\
/ Fair way: Figure out average and standard deviation and assign grades from there\
/ Better way: Determine... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation77.html |
| Lesson #78 - Modern Art | Blackboard 1: Multicolor, multiweight chalk lines and squiggles. Titled "An Example of Kindergarten Fingerpainting"
/ Pose 1: Dante, right side of board, looking at board, hand to chin, contemplative. Head leaning left. / Blackboard 2: Same drawing, now with 5 rows of evenly-spaced tickmarks throughout.... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson78.html |
| Recitation #78 - Major Life Decisions | Blackboard: (panel 1) Q) (From Mike in Wyoming)\
/ My mother wants me to go to medical school,\
/ My father wants me to go to law school,\
/ My girlfriend wants me to go to graduate school,\
/ And I just want to get a job to pay off loans.\
/ What should I do?\
/ (panel 2) Q) (From Mike in Wyoming)\
/ My mother... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation78.html |
| Lesson #79 - Definitions, Part II | Blackboard: Antipasto - A voting block opposed to male noodle rights / Pose: Dante, right side of board, looking at camera / File under: food http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson79.html |
| Recitation #79 - Advertising Your Organization | Blackboard: (panel 1) Q) (From Liz in Wellesley)\
/ How can one advertise an organization on a college campus without becoming repetitively obnoxious?\
/ (panel 2) 1) Set up a table in one of the more high-traffic areas on campus\
/ 2) Place a number of small containers filled with dirt out on the table\
/ 3)... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation79.html |
| Lesson #80 - Catharsis | Board: A catharsis is much more effective and stress-relieving if you actually use the word "catharsis" as your primal scream. Of course, awkward stares from passerbys will also be much longer. / Pose: Dante, right side of board, looking at camera with a serious expression. / File under Awkward Stares,... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson80.html |
| Recitation #80 - Easy Street | Blackboard: Q) (From Michelle in NJ)\
/ Where, exactly is Easy Street and how does one get there?\
/ A) Easy Street? Why, you can take either Work-Your-Ass-Off Lane or Inheritance Cul-de-sac.\
/ And if you can't see it from where you're standing, you're going to have to take Work-Your-Ass-Off Lane.\
/ Pose:... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation80.html |
| Lesson #81 - Road Construction | Blackboard 1: "Standard Route" Straight line direct route along a single road.
/ Pose 1 Dante, right side of board, looking at camera / Blackboard 2: "Construction Route" Much more complicated route, involving turns to avoid repaving, water pipe replacement, a time warp, a mutant, meteor removal, and... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson81.html |
| Recitation #81 - Sleeping Cats | Blackboard: Q) (From Dave in Aberdeen)\
/ Why does my cat always sleep on my feet at night?\
/ A) Because if your cat sleeps on your face and ends up smothering you, you won't be able to help keep him/her warm for very long\
/ Pose: Dante, right side of board, pointing with chalk to the board, neutral look... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation81.html |
| Lesson #82 - The Olympics | Blackboard: As the Olympics seem to endlessly expand with new sports every 4 years, how long will it be until we can see "Capture the Flag" played out? 2032? (Moreover, how is this not already some amateur league on ESPN2?) / Pose: Dante, left side of board http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson82.html |
| Recitation #82 - Not Interested, Ever | Blackboard: Q) (From Beth in Chicago)\
/ What's the least painful way to let a guy know that I'm not interested because I'm a lesbian?\
/ A) "You know how some women might say a guy is not man enough for her? Well, that will never be the problem for me."\
/ Pose: Dante, right side of board, hands held near... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation82.html |
| Lesson #83 - Irish Diplomacy | Blackboard: To all the Americans who have traveled to Ireland, found a pub, and ordered an "Irish Car Bomb," thank you for furthering our image as a country of idiots.
/ Pose: Dante, right side of the board, arms crossed, rolling eyes upward. http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson83.html |
| Recitation #83 - Mating and Creating | Blackboard: Q) (From Trevor in Michigan)\
/ Which two animals, when mated, would create the most versatile and useful companion?\
/ A) You're mating any two animals and you're thinking about a companion? Forget the companion!\
/ Let's mate a platypus with a great white shark! Then their offspring would... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation83.html |
| Lesson #84 - Scurvy | Blackboard: Chart: x axis: # of cases of scurvy
/ from left to right:
/ |
| Recitation #84 - Mothers | Blackboard: Q) (From Andrew in Moscow, Idaho)\
/ Why are mothers so embarassing?\
/ A) You were once the equivalent of a tapeworm for nine months.\
/ What you should really find mortifying is that despite your near-parasite status, you were still endearing enough for her to potentially form a lifelong bond... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation84.html |
| Lesson #85 - Crosswords | Blackboard: The only time being held hostage at work by your boss where you could boldly call for help and escape would be if you are Will Shortz.
/ In crossword puzzle:
/ HELPIMTRAPPEDAT (across)
/ (T)HENEWYORKTIMES (down)
/ SEND (down)
/ FOO(D) (across) / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, right hand... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson85.html |
| Recitation #85 - Casseroles | Blackboard: (panel 1) Q) (From Mike in Easton, PA)\
/ What goes into the perfect casserole?\
/ (panel 2) Regardless of all of the other ingredients, there is only one thing you need to put in a casserole. Love.\
/ (panel 3) So whatever casserole you make, remember:\
/ Hearts don't taste very good if you... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation85.html |
| Lesson #86 - Biking | Blackboard: What the hand signals mean
/ [image of left arm bent upward, thumb in] (left arm) - "I am turning right."
/ [image of left arm pointing left] (left arm) - "I am turning left."
/ [image of censored bar over either arm] (either arm) - [censored commentary directed at passing car]
/ [image of right... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson86.html |
| Recitation #86 - Butterflies | Picture #1:
/ Blackboard:
/ Q) (FROM KEVIN IN ROSEVILLE, CALIFORNIA)
/ WHEN IT RAINS,
/ WHERE DO ALL THE
/ BUTTERFLIES GO?
/
/ POSE: Dante at right, reading a piece of paper (presumably with the e-mail written on it), neutral look on face
/
/ Picture #2:
/ Blackboard:
/ Q) (FROM KEVIN IN ROSEVILLE, CALIFORNIA)... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation86.html |
| Lesson #87 - Alien Observations And Interpretations Of Normal Human Activity | Blackboard: Notes from the scientific journel of Slout 98 from Andromeda - 321
/ 5:00 PM - Subject XX arrived at his domecile from inside his mechanical beast.
/ 5:01 PM - Subject XX exited his domecile with his mating beast fully extended and directing him around.
/ 5:05 PM - Subject XX marks the local... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson87.html |
| Recitation #87 - Air Guitar | Blackboard: Q) (From Matt in Philadelphia)\
/ What are a few general air guitar tips?\
/ A) Jack your air amp up to 48 and try these:\
/ -Embrace a complete lack of shame\
/ -Get the rhythm right, at least\
/ -Bounce / jump / get some air when the tempo picks up\
/ -Feel free to give yourself whiplash when... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation87.html |
| Lesson #88 - Birthday Gifts | Blackboard: If someone gave you a keg for your birthday, the odds are pretty good that you're still in college.
/ Pose: Dante, right side of the board, chalk in hand, leaning on board at the word birthday, looking at camera. http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson88.html |
| Recitation #88 - Using It And Losing It | Blackboard: Q) (From 2LT Sean in Kuwait)\
/ Is it really true that if you don't use it you lose it?\
/ A) Whoa! That's an awfully cynical and sexual view of relationships! Hey now.\
/ Pose: Dante, right side of board, hands held up with palms facing camera, weirded-out look at camera\ http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation88.html |
| Lesson #89 - Monster Movies | Blackboard: Giant/Mutated Animals already used in monster movies
/ -squid
/ -spider
/ -turtle
/ -crocodile
/ -saint bernard
/ -shark
/ -bat
/ -worm
/ -ape
/ -iguana
/ -wolf
/ -moth
/ -raptor
/ Other remaining options
/ -lobster
/ -armadillo
/ -giraffe
/ -plankton
/ -squirrel
/ -aardvark
/ Pose: Dante, right side of the board,... http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson89.html |
| Recitation #89 - Sex Scenes | Blackboard: (panel 1) Q) (From Emma in Kennebunk, Maine)\
/ How should you handle a situation where the show / movie you're watching with your parents suddenly has a sex scene?\
/ A) Well, that's awkward!\
/ (panel 2) Just use the appropriate line based on how you want the atmosphere in the room to be.\
/ (horizontal... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation89.html |
| Lesson #90 - The Freshmen Fifteen, Part I | Blackboard: #1) College is basically summer camp, but with girls. Now think of all the possibilities... / Pose: Dante, left side of the board, arms crossed, knowing smile at camera. http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson90.html |
| Recitation #90 - Basic Math | Blackboard: (panel 1) Q) (From Danny in Rockville, RI)\
/ Just wonderin', what's two times four?\
/ (panel 2) Q) (From Danny in Rockville, RI)\
/ Just wonderin', what's two times four?\
/ (panel 3) Q) (From Danny in Rockville, RI)\
/ Just wonderin', what's two times four?\
/ (panel 4) Q) (From Danny in Rockville,... http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation90.html |
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