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Lesson #331 - Opposable Thumbs Board: Having pets of any type, you might come to the conclusion that everything would be better and easier if they had opposable thumbs. / They could turn doorknobs to get out on their own, they could scoop their own litter, they could clean their own tank, or they could turn on the faucet to take a bath by themselves. / It's a tempting thought, pets with improved dexterity. / And then you come home and find out the dog got into the garbage again, and you quickly toss the entire idea out. / Pose: Dante, to right, half-smile.
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Lesson #332 - Extreme Gambling Board: If you place a bet on the end of the world - putting your odds on a pandemic as opposed to a war for oil - as nice as it may be to some day win that 20 dollars, you won't get quite the kick out of winning that you had hoped for. / Pose: Dante, to right, not really smiling.
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Lesson #333 - Standing Ovations Board: A guide to Standing Ovations. Diagram of a stage with audience seating. colours read: / Red - Standing because they sat too close or at an angle to see anything while the show was going on / Green - Legitimate standing ovation / Blue - Standing becasue they don't know not to / Orange - Only standing becasue everyone else did / Green w/ red stripes - Will refuse to stand or be happy / Purple - trying to beat traffic / Pose: Dante, right of board, right hand holding chalk pointing at board, serious expression at camera.
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Lesson #334 - Music Critics Board: Flowchart / How to be a music critic -> Hear a band's first album -> / ->It's bad-> Rip it apart / ->It's good -> Praise it-> Hear band's second album-> / ->They took a new approach ->Criticize for abandoning what worked / ->They made similar sounds ->Criticize for not trying something new / Pose: Dante, to left, eyes wide open
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Lesson #335 - Newspapers Board 1: There are approximately 300 comic strips that are printed in syndication in newspapers. / Lets assume that at least ten percent of these are worth reading. Thus, there are about 30 comics worth reading in newspapers, with many of these inaccessible online except through a paid subscription. / On the other hand, there are (at minimum) at least 18,000 webcomics in existance. / So if you hold on to that ten percent standard, which, hey, we'll freely admit is an easy overestimation in the first place, you have 1,800 webcomics worth reading, almost all of which are entirely free. / Board 2: Thus, based on this approximate overestimated math, there are at lease 1,750 more comics on the internet which should't cost anything to read, and are good, than there are in newspapers. / Now, set aside the fact that all of the news that is in newspapers is also available for free online through the newspaper's own websites, or on other internet news sources, none of which cost anything to access. / Ignoring this fact, we also take into account consideration that the first section of the newspaper most people turn to is the comics section, an area that, as shown, has a more limited and controlled selection than that available online. / Board 3: So what do we have, then? / We have an international system where the news and reporting is not only available and free, but the section that most people prefer first is available for free, of a greater quantity, of a greater quality, and much more easily sorted and read by personal preference. / When you take all of that into consideration, is it any suprise that newspapers are going under? / Pose: Dante, right of board, right hand holding chalk pointing at board, serious expression at camera in all three frames.
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Lesson #336 - Miracles Board: If you pulled off a miracle about 2000 years ago - something like raising the dead or turning water into wine - they'd be ready to call you a phophet and make you their leader. / If you pulled off a miracle in the dark ages or in the late 1600's in Salem Massachusetts, you'd be called a witch, and they'd be ready to drown you or burn you at the stake. / So, it really is true what they say; / There's a time and place for everything. / Pose: Dante, right of board, chalk in right hand pointing at board, serious expression at camera.
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Lesson #337 - Meaning and Intent Board: Highway Exit Ramps / They never mean exactly what you want them to. / Pose: Dante, right of board, chalk in right hand pointing at board, serious expression at camera.
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Lesson #338 - Airport Security Board: If the bomb-in-his-shoe terrorist's goal was not actually immediate destruction, but instead the long-term, widespread sharing of plantar warts, athelete's foot, and other foot fungi, quickly passed from person to person by making everyone remove their shoes, and walk around at airport security, well, then he succeeded admirably. / Pose: Dante, right of board, chalk in right hand pointing at board, serious expression at camera.
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Lesson #339 - Collars Board: You can often (often, not always) tell how highly someone thinks of their status in society and life by noting how many different articles of clothing with collars that person is wearing. The obvious exception, of course, are frat boys. Obviously / Pose: Dante, to right, pulling on an extra collar.
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Lesson #340 - Presentations Board: If a Powerpoint presentation is being delivered with a pink background, either the presenter is a teenage girl, the presenter is being overly cute, or the presenter is making fun of you is being in the audience, listening to a talk he or she clearly doesn't care about. / Pose: Dante, to the right, passive.
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Lesson #341 - Human Growth Hormone There are two ways a person's head can continue to grow in size after they have reached puberty - / either A) the person is used human growth hormone (HGH), / or B) the person is suffering from elephant man's disease. / So the next time you see your favorite team's athletes, looking stupidly inflated in the head, feel free to use the Occam's Razor approach. / Pose: Dante, to right, neutral in poor lighting.
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Lesson #342 - Comic Book Flowchart Board: Flowchart / You are a superhero -> Come across someone -> / -> It's another hero! -> Fight the superhero -> Realize you're on the same side after causing massive property damage -> Make up -> Find a supervillain to team up against -> Beat up the supervillain / -> It's a supervillain! -> Beat up the supervillain / Pose: Dante, to right, strained face
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Lesson #343 - Snacks Board: Never forget to plan ahead if you're visiting someone's house where everyone is on a diet and you think you might need a snack at some point- otherwise, you'll have a tough time explaining why you not only ripped through the pantry until you came across a bag of chocolate chips leftover from their pre-dieting days, but also why you're eating them by the handful. / Pose: Dante to right of board, pointing right hand w/chalk towards board looking grim.
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Lesson #344 - Catfish Board: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? / The catfish makes for good eating! / Pose: Dante to right of board, enthusiastically rubbing belly.
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Lesson #345 - Referees Board: Bar graph / Referee's potential to personally determine the outcome of the game AND how badly they abuse their power vs. baseball, football, basketball, hockey, soccer / Pose: Dante, to right, wide eyes
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Lesson #346 - Freedom of Religion Board: If you want to call any country a [insert religion here] nation, that's all well and dandy. Just remember that those in the minority on that issue shouldn't have their religious views infringed upon, and that some nations were founded on not only the freedom of religion, but also the separation of church and state. Because let's be fair - if we force people to leave this time, the only sizeable land mass left to found a new country is antarctica - and the penguins there are already fascist. / Pose: Dante to right of board, pointing chalk at board with right hand, looking sad/serious at camera.
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Lesson #347 - Justice, Part II Board: four quadrant Graph / Innocent vs. guilty, convicted vs. acquitted. Variable marking some number of people populates two quadrants, but never in the innocent AND guilty quadrant. / Pose: Dante, to left, sour look.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson347.html
Lesson #348 - Nerds Board: graph / Number of people in the room who are nerds vs. volume of laughter. Plotting 'laughing at the nerd humor' and 'laughing with the nerd humor'. / Pose: Dante, to left, passive.
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Lesson #349 - Miracle Cures Board: Here's the thing about miracle cures... / Usually, they're not really miracles... / And usually, they're not really cures, either. / Pose: Dante to right of board looking horrified at hand coming out of stomach through labcoat.
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Lesson #350 - Cold Turkey Blackboard: It's not that going cold turkey is that hard, but shouldn't we get to work through the lukewarm turkey step before we get to the straight-up cold step? / Pose: Dante, to the left of the board, pointing at the board with chalk, looking very slightly wary...
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Lesson #351 - School Uniforms Blackboard: Helping to eliminate individuality during a time that individuality is already struggling to survive... And, down the road, causing people enormous difficulty when it comes time to pick out their own clothes. / Pose: Dante, to the right of the board, pointing at the board with chalk, neutral expression towards the camera.
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Lesson #352 - Facial Hair Blackboard: "Facial Hair Anatomy" with a drawing of basic facial hair sections. Sections labeled (from left to right): Sideburns; Victorian sideburn A.K.A. Muttonchop; The Jaw Trench; Mouth Wing; Mustache; Potential Handlebars; Soul Patch A.K.A. The Lip Tuft; Goatee; Evil Villain Point; Grizzly Adams A.K.A. Laziness. (below) Beard down to here = "The Rabbi" ; Down further = "The Z.Z. Top" / Pose: Dante, to the left of the board, pointing at the board with chalk, face somewhat in shadow
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Lesson #353 - Anniversary Blackboard: 1st Anniversary. The Paper Anniversary. / Pose: Dante, to the right of the board, holding a roll of industrial-grade paper towels, looking at the camera and sneering.
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Lesson #354 - Political Spectrum Blackboard: It's nice to know that no matter where you fall on the political spectrum, you can always go to a farmers' market or an NRA meeting and find people further to the extremes than you. / Pose: Dante, to the right of the board, pointing at the board with chalk, neutral expression towards the camera.
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Lesson #355 - The Near Future Blackboard: What we have to look forward to in the near future: / 2013: According to X-Men, we will have a sentinel police force. / 2015: According to Back to the Future, we will have hoverboards. / 2021: According to Philip K. Dick, we will have androids that dream of electric sheep. / 2022: According to Charlton Heston, Soylent Green will be people. / 2036: According to Castlevania, Dracula will be revived. / 2062: According to The Jetsons, we will have robot maids. / Pose: Dante, to the right of the board, pointing at the board with chalk, smirking towards the camera.
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Lesson #356 - Physique Blackboard: People's Reactions while / looking at themselves in the / mirror in the morning / (line) / "Yeah! Look at that body! / no love handles here! / No one's in shape like you, Baby!" / (double line) / People's reactions while / Looking at themselves in the / mirror in the evening / (line) / "Oh, goddamnit." / Pose: Dante, left side of board. pointing at bottom line with chalk. staring neutrally at camera. / File Undder: Fitness
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Lesson #357 - Vocal Octaves Blackboard: the left side of the board is ocupied by a treble and base clef with musical notes. / the right side of the board, under the heading "Voice equivalent" connects each note drawn on the picture to a descrtiption. / from top to botom starting with treble clef: "Hopefully only that of a kids' cartoon character; Someone way to goddamn chipper; Female; Woman or prepubescent male" / Base clef: "At least somewhat butch; A man" / low "c" : "Either the voice of god or that of the evil robot collective" / Pose: dante left side of board, pointing with the chalk at the lower part of the upper "treble" clef. staring neutrally at the camera. / File under: clefs, music, voices
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Lesson #358 - Definitions, Part VII Blackboard: / Scumbagassery / (line) / A term soley used to / describe behavior or actions that / induce your rage (and rightfully / so) when you are in a / setting where cursing / would be entirely improper / Pose: Date right side of board, clenching right fist in threating manor and glaring threateningly at the camera.
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Lesson #359 - Shipwrecks Blackboard: [box1] Gold doubloons (el concepcion, 1641, caribbean) [/box1] / [down arrow] [box2] canned salmon (mariposa, 1917, alaskan coast0 [/box2] / [down arrow] [box3] Nuclear Reactors (k-278 Komsomolets, 1989, atlanctic) [/box3] / The prizes for shipwreak recovery sure have changed over the years. / Pose: Dante right side of board, pointing at box3, staring neutrally at camera. / File under: the sea, she be a harsh mistress / notes: You think that canned salmon is still good?
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Lesson #360 - Slurs Blackboard: if pigs could talk and communicate with us, would we verbally greet them by saying, "hows it shakin', Bacon?" or would that be considered an interspecial slur? / Pose: Dante right side of board, pointing to "slur" with a questioning look towards camera. wearing and orange tee shirt under lab coat. / File under: Animals, foul language / Notes: Only George Orwell knows. But hopefully this gets voted on before we develop the voicebox technology. / Pronounce it "inter-SPEE-cial" and not "inter-SPEH-cial" if you don't get it.
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