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Lesson #781 - Gangs Blackboard: If it wasn't for the implied threats and connotations of violence behind them, we'd all realize that gang signs are more delightlfully dorky than anything else. / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, looking at camera, raised eyebrows, pulling some gang signs, possibly and east side and part of a bloods.
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Lesson #782 - Facial Hair, Part II Blackboard: Reasons for having facial hair (Pie chart) / Purple ~ 20%, Red ~ 35%, Blue ~ 25%, Green ~ 15%, Yellow ~ 5% / Purple = Style purposes, Red = Laziness, Blue = 5 to 10 years older in appearance, Green = Really bad at shaving, Yellow = to display your skill with a razor in a way that doesn't involve mass murder / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, face 3/4 profile, rubbing facial hair with left hand, chalk pointing to board in right hand
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Lesson #783 - Halloween Costume Planning Blackboard: Initially planning / 1) Find a dictionay / 2) Flip open to a random page / 3) Blindly point at a word / 4) Scroll down to the nearest noun / 5) Add the word "sexy" in front / 6) BAM! You've picked your costume. / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, holding a dictionary at waist height, looking down at book, pointing to a random point on the page.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson783.html
Lesson #784 - The Demands of Halloween Costumes on Parents Blackboard: / [ (CC^4 x D - A x CA)^2 ]^(1+P) / PS = | _____________________.T | / [ W^1.5 x NC^3 ] / PS = Parent's stress / CC = Child's creativity in terms of their costume idea / D = Difficulty of costume / A = Ability of child to help / CA = Child's age / W = Willingness to buy the costume / NC = Number of previous costumes on hand that can be altered to fit the idea / T = Time necessary to completion / P = Probability the child will change his/her mind / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, half out of shot, left arm hugging waist, right arm propped on left arm, holding goatee with right hand, looking at formula and holding white chalk in hand
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson784.html
Lesson #785 - Abstract Halloween Costumes, Part II Board: Abstract Concepts for Halloween Costumes / Subject / Abstract Costume Idea / Art - Chiaroscoro Shadings / Electrical Engineering - Resistance / Athletics - Sportsmanship / Theater - The Fourth Wall / Biology - Metabolism / Economics - Return on Investment / Physics - Work
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Lesson #786 - Halloween Enjoyment Blackboard: Pie chart with circle split vertically in half. Left half is colored blue. Right half is colored red. People who enjoy halloween because it is the one day of the year that they can, without repercussions, [blue] Be someone else [red] Be themselves / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, pointing with chalk to the board, neutral look at camera.
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Lesson #787 - Jack-O'-Lanterns Blackboard: Panel 1: A Basic Guide To Making A Good Jack-O'-Lantern. Step 1) Embrace your inner 1940's-to-1950's-psychiatrist. Step 2) Reject your inner dentist. Step 3) Remember the definition of "Structural Stability". Step 4) Use whatever art style makes you happy. Panel 2: Step 5) Keep your inner pyromaniac under control. Step 6) Remember to throw out the finished product before it completely rots. / Pose: Panel 1: Dante, right side of the board, weilding knife, looking maniacally at pumkin in hand. Panel 2: Dante, right side of the board, neutral look to camera, toothed Jack-O'-Lantern in hands.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson787.html
Lesson #788 - Zombies vs Vampires vs Fishmen (oh my) Blackboard: One misinterpretation of a genre went so far as to allow their monsters to run, while the misinterpretation in a different genre was so bold as to allow their monsters to sparkle. Yes, the zombie and vampire gravy trains will be ending soon, but really, based on how far the genres have been stretched, which one do you think is going first? Either way, that means it is the perfect opportunity for a new genre to step in! A genre of monsters that has been mostly undefined! Finally, fishmen can have their due! But then again... most people don't eat other people's brains, and most people don't drink other people's blood, but most people DO eat seafood. Sometimes in all-you-can-eat quantities. Sorry fishmen. Some of us are pulling for you, but it'll never be your time. You're just too potentially tasty. / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, chalk in hand, looking at shrimp.
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Lesson #789 - Trick-or-Treating Fun for the Candy Givers Blackboard: One of the problems with halloween is being the person who gives out candy. You don't get to participate in the fun! So this year, take part with a little performance art when the kids inevitably shout "Boo." / [Stranger knocks on the door] / [Dante opens up door, bowl of candy in hand] / "Oh, what a lovely ballerina pig you make!" / "Boo!" / [Dante gets a fake heart attack] / [Dante is so frightened that the stranger now has a bowl full of mounds and almond joys] / [Dante is left in the fetal position] / And if they happen to take the entire bowl of candy instead of just one piece, you'll be able to cry-from-fright yourself to sleep uninterrupted. Or break your performance and go drink a beer. Either way, more fun, right? / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, chalk in hand, neutral look at the camera. And fetal.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson789.html
Lesson #790 - The End of the World Blackboard: If you combine all the people who expect the apocalypse, from any source and from any predicted time frame, to occur in the near future and so prepare for it, probably a third of these people expect it to happen, a third want to happen, and a third are just bored. So which group do we need to try to rationally talk to first? / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, chalk in hand, neutral look at the camera.
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Lesson #791 - The Ballot Blackboard: Elected position (only check one) / One main candidate [ ] / The other main candidate [ ] / Potentially significant third party [ ] / Minor overly idealistic somebody [ ] / Someone you've never heard of [ ] / The real nutjob [ ] / (Write in candidate) (Do not put 'Lizard People') / Whoever wins, we will call you out on your BS so enjoy your victory... but we're watching [X] / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, chalk in hand, checking the ballot
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson791.html
Lesson #792 - The Burden of Proof Blackboard: [Graph] Degree of burden of proof as decreed by society, along the axis between existence or truth and non-existense or falsehood. / Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, Loch Ness Monster, Santa Claus, Bigfoot, reliability of wikipedia, "Born Gay", bipartisanship, ghosts [midpoint], aliens, global warming, fate, evolution, moon landings, dinosaurs, god. / Pose: Dante, left side of the board, chalk in hand, neutral look at the camera.
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Lesson #793 - Really Bad Days Blackboard: If you're having a really bad day, just put it in perspective. Just think about all your counterparts in alternate universes. There are an infinite number of other you's who are having an even crappier go of it than you. And you don't have tentacles growing out of your face. / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, doing a squid-faced alien impression at the camera
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Lesson #794 - Aliases Blackboard: 1) Reduce your first name in a sensible way down to one syllable. / 2) Add "imus" to the end (pronounced with a short I) / 3) Think of another one syllable word that can be easily associated with you, like a distinct nickname or description of your body/personality / 4) Put the two worlds together / And now you have your Roman gladiator name. / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, with a makeshift wooden spear.
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Lesson #795 - Virgin Offspring Blackboard: Scientists are reporting that a femal boa constrictor recently gave birth to two litters. Amazingly, the 22 baby snakes have no father and were essentially virgin births. That really puts a spin on the second coming of Jesus, doesn't it? / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, facing camera hand on chin in a thinking pose.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson795.html
 
Lesson #796- Victory Dances Blackboard: / Keys to a Good Victory Dance / -A stupid look on your face / -Either one finger pointing on each hand or your fists clenched / -A lot of rotation or back-and forth movement in the hips and/or knees / -A complete lack of shame (because, hey, you just won) / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, stupid look on face, arm raised, fist clenched.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson796.html
Lesson #797 ? Source of Superpowers in the Fictional Human Body Blackboard: Diagram of human body color coded from most common location (for super powers) to least common location / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, boxing stance, neutral look at camera.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson797.html
Lesson #798 ? Yoga Blackboard: The Problems with Yoga- / -Warrior 1, warrior 2, and warrior 3 positions may look cool, but they?re terrible actual warrior positions, leaving you completely open for attack / -No dog has ever done the ?Downward Facing Dog? like humans are told to / -If you show up dressed in a sheet and chant, ?Yoga! Yoga!? you will be kicked out of the class / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, pointing with chalk to the board, neutral look at camera.
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Lesson #799 - Pat-downs Blackboard: Back in the day, for someone to be given the freedom to grope your ?personal areas?, that someone would have to buy you dinner first. / These days, not only does airport security feel around in every crevice of your body, but airlines have also stopped providing free meals. / Chivalry IS dead. / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, left hand covering a ?personal area?, right hand over mouth, open mouth at camera.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson799.html
Lesson #800 - Assholes Blackboard: Bar Graph of "Assholes People Want". "In their literature, movies, and TV" has a high value, while "In real life*" is zero. *-Besides the necessary biological ones / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, pointing with chalk to the board, neutral look at camera. / File Under: Here's To You, John Corey / Description: A good jerk makes it that much more enjoyable. Just not in real life.
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Lesson #801 - Ethics in Science Blackboard: Researchers have recently determined from "painstaking" study how it is that a cat can drink water while keeping its whiskers dry as compared to how a dog drinks water. In other news, several deadly diseases have been left uncured as funding for research has been blocked because of questions about ethics. / Pose: Dante, left side of the board, pointing with chalk to the board, neutral look at camera. / File Under: Nice Priorities
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Lesson #802 - Living Blackboard: Who cares if anybody is watching? / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, holding an acoustic guitar while rocking out / File Under: Peer pressure be damned / Description: Once you start literally killing people, then they have a right to complain. Until then, there are ways they can deal. Like cottonballs.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson802.html
Lesson #803 - Questionable Meaning Blackboard: Tree diagram. Root node says "When they made you, they broke the mold." Child nodes from left to right say "Lavish praise", "Backhanded compliment", and "Forehanded insult" / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, hands outstretched and palms upward, gazing at the board in confusion / File Under: Could you provide some context? / Description: Really, it may be meant as lavish praise, but even then, the phrase is highly questionable. You were so great that they didn't want to make another of you? When they made you, they accidentally broke the mold in doing so? Are you trying to insult someone with what is traditionally a compliment? Who knows.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson803.html
Lesson #804 - On The Brink Of Insanity Blackboard: There is a fine line between imagination and insanity. There is also a fine line between insanity and egocentricity. The difference is that when you approach insanity from one side instead of the other, you can often recognize when you're stepping over that fine line / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, pointing with chalk to the board, neutral look at camera. / File Under: Believing your own lies is pretty close to believing your own imagination / Description: Unless you're tripping, in which case it's really hard from either direction.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson804.html
Lesson #805 - Home Protection, Part II Blackboard: It's not a bad idea to keep something by your bed that you can wield as a form of protection. You know, just in case. Whatever that something is, though, make sure it's something you can pick up blindly in the dark. / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, holding a sawfish nose and screaming at the camera / File Under: A block of knives, points up / Description: I really did use to keep that sawfish nose relatively near my bed as a kid, thinking I could use it to protect myself against the great evil forces such as wolves and spiders, not to mention spider wolves. In other words, I kind of hoped that the bogeyman would pass my room and head on down the hall to deal with my parents first.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson805.html
 
Lesson #806 - Cursing, Part III Blackboard: Graph. Y axis is "Effectiveness of swear". X axis is "amount of anger, hatred, or contempt the word/phrase is delivered with". The line is mostly linear, growing as it approaches the right side of the board before reaching a peak and stabilizing near the end. Near the bottom left is a point labeled "Oh, Crumb!" At the point where the graph stabilizes and stops increasing is a point labeled "Critical point at which even "Codswallop" will take you aback" / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, shaking his fist and yelling at the ceiling / File Under: Tarnation! / Description: According to Marvel, we'll all be saying "Shock you!" in 2099. Which was an interesting possibility until a certain sex act got named. And now it's much more likely.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson806.html
Lesson #807 - Lies Your Parents Told You Blackboard: Remember, kids, unless you're a superhero, there's a possibility your parents are lying when they reassure you that you're not ugly. / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, pointing with chalk to the board, neutral look at camera. / File Under: Where the women are buxom, the men are overly muscular, and none of the children age / Description: But to be fair, kids, it'd be really hard to do anything if you were as large in the chest area as superheroes are - either women or men. So be happy you might be ugly.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson807.html
Lesson #808 - Family Anniversaries Blackboard: Standard thoughts on members of your family reaching a wedding anniversary. 10th: "Hey, Good for them!" 20th, 30th, 40th: "You know, that's impressive, given the success rate these days." 50th: "Wow. How about that?" 60th: "Man, I come from good stock." / Pose: Dante, right side of the board, pointing with chalk to the board, neutral look at camera. / File Under: And here's to sixty more / Description: I was up in Connecticut briefly this weekend to celebrate my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. I will admit to repeatedly switching back and forth between thoughts of "That's a pretty incredible achievement" and "These genes are awesome."
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson808.html
Lesson #809 - Comprehension of "*!%#&*^@*!#*" Blackboard: Venn Diagram. The circles are labeled, from left to right, "In Real Life", "*!%#&*^@*!#*!", "On The Internet". The intersection of "In Real Life" and "*!%#&*^@*!#*!" is labeled "Commentary before, during, or after a fight". The intersection of "*!%#&*^@*!#*!" and "On The Internet" is labeled "Criticism". / Pose: Dante, left side of the board, left hand pointing with chalk to the board, right hand raised and clenched into a fist, yelling at the camera / File Under: What a fascinating counterpoint / Description: I know tone gets lost very easily in conversations on the internet, but it's really hard to imagine someone saying the above pounding of swear symbols while hiding the irrationality in their voice. What I really enjoy - and have seen this an astounding number of times in printed internet conversations between mainstream writers and some anonymous persons - is when the person being sworn at basically just says, "Go away," and the anonymous voice of reason responds, "What, you can't handle criticism?" / Shouting "douche douche douche douche douche" might feel really good, kids, but that's not actual criticism.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson809.html
Lesson #810 - Hollywood and Religion Blackboard: / Frame 1: If a Hollywood movie franchise was a religion, a devoted fanbase would be often heard to share with everyone just what the movie meant to them and how it had affected their lives, forcefully defending its status as a documentary - all while waiting for the sequel they were endlessly sure would be coming any day now. / Frame 2: If religion was a Hollywood movie franchise, Jesus would be preparing for his seventh coming, would have come at least three times already for the first time, and would always return younger, hipper, and edgier with more explosions. / Pose: / Frame 1: Dante, left side of board, gazing up to the sky with hands pressed together in a reverent manner / Frame 2: Dante, left side of board, grinning at the camera with finger guns out / File Under: Jesus II: Electric Boogaloo / Description: For the record, I don't feel that Hollywood is out of ideas. It's just the old ideas they've used before worked then, and who knows how new ideas will pan out. Still though . . . what a terrible idea to reboot Buffy. / And as I said yesterday (http://twitter.com/danteshepherd), if STW was a Hollywood movie franchise, there'd be a hell of a lot more sexiness going on around here than there is right now.
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson810.html
 

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