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| Two T.U.R.T.L.E. Duds | [[Two University staffers lounge in office chairs. The nerdy one is reading Reader's Digest. Administrator McMustache approaches them from behind.]] / McMustache: Jenkins wants you guys to review the University's contingency plans for security breaches, protests, riots, tornadoes, real fires, flash floods, hailstorms, blizzards, nuclear-biological-chemical attacks, and gas leaks. Get on it. / [[McMustache leaves. The staffers don't move from their positions.]] / Laid-Back Staffer: We've got plans for all that stuff? / Nerdy Staffer: Well, it was too much work to come up with a separate plan for every emergency, so we just have one: T.U.R.T.L.E. / Laid-Back Staffer: Turtle? What's that? / Narrator: Why, it's the Titular University Response to Lethal Exigencies! / [[A student ducks under a desk, looking at his cell phone. Inset is a shot of the phone's screen, displaying the text message "Turtle".]] / Narrator: When you see the word TURTLE on your cellular phone, it's not an invitation to drink. It's a WARNING to Tuck Under, and Ready Thyself for Life Eternal. / < http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=307 |
| Out of Psych, Out of Mind | Black Panel: On 10/23/06, Fr. Jenkins and Provost Tom Burish encouraged a Harvard committee to include faith and reason in the university's core curriculum. Harvard's faculty roundly rejected the proposal. The most vehement response came from professor Steven Pinker, in the form of a condescending anti-religious tract in the Harvard Crimson. / [[Jenkins and Pinker stand behind podiums, surrounded by altogether too much text.]] / Jenkins: Today's students must understand religious beliefs if they are to seize the opportunities the future will present. / Pinker: Religion is an American anachronism in an era in which the rest of the western world is moving beyond it. / Jenkins: Fanaticism stems from a failure of intellectuals to engage in reflective inquiry and dialogue. The marginalization of faith within universities contributes to this failure. / Pinker: Faith--believing in something without good reason to--has no place in anything but a religious institution, and our society has no shortage of these. / Voice (Off-Panel): Dr. Pinker, what subjects DO you think are appropriate for academic study? / Pinker: We must explore the mysteries of the mind, such as the ones covered in my new book: How do those magic eye pictures work? Why are kids brats? WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=308 |
| Wii's and Wherefores | White Panel: The Nintendo Wii's controller has been criticized as a cheap gimmick to sell a shoddy console. In response, Nintendo is releasing a slew of new games showcasing the Wiimote's versatility. / Caption: Mario Kartography / [[Mario is wearing a 19th century European uniform, pointing at a map of Europe]] / Mario: Find-a Wallachia! / Popup: Point the remote at the screen and press (A) to select / Caption: Sim Jackson Pollack / [[A canvas covered in virtual paint splatters.]] / Popup: Really whip that thing! (DO NOT LET GO OF REMOTE) / Caption: Gong Hero / [[An avatar is repeatedly banging a gong: < http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=309 |
| A Shady Deal | [[A guy with spiked hair and a chinstrap beard is walking with his arm around his girlfriend. Tim walks past in the background.]] / Boyfriend: Hey. Cool shades. / Girlfriend: I know, right? The nice thing about them is they go with my Uggs in the winter and my flip-flops in the summer. / Tim: Wow. You could feet a third-world country with the money you spent on those. / [[The boyfriend glares in Tim's direction; the girlfriend looks pensive.]] / Girlfriend: Oh my God. That jerk was totally right. I feel so guilty about myself. I should do something to help the less fortunate. / [[Two starving African children hold out empty bowls. The one on the right is wearing the girlfriend's sunglasses.]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=310 |
| Detest the Water | [[Tim sits on a bench outdoors, reading a newspaper. The Sports page reads "Domo Arigata, Fisher Regatta;" the front page reads "Newspaper Victim of Fake Headlines."]] / Tim: Man. There has been NOTHING in Viewpoint this week. No finger-pointing, no controversy, just a bunch of letters from alumni and articles from other schools' papers. Could it be that ND students are finally tired of complaining? / [[Locke stands next to the bench, pointing a hose at an angry girl.]] / Tim: ...or maybe they just have other things on their minds. / Locke: Hey, if I get you wet, will you multiply? / Girl: DUDE. NOT. A. GREMLIN. / Locke: Oh. ...Can I get you wet anyway? / [[The girl is gone. Locke is soaking wet and the hose has been stuffed down his pants.]] / Locke: Yeah, well, gremlin or not, you still shouldn't eat after midnight. Unless you want some junk in the trunk. // Loot in the boot. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=311 |
| Jockularity | [[Locke approaches Tim, who is sitting on the couch reading a newspaper.]] / Locke: Hey, there's some guys at the door. Say they used to live here. / Tim: Well, let 'em in, I guess. / [[The two main characters from Alec White and Erik Powers' defunct Notre Dame comic strip "Jockular" enter.]] / Jockular guy: Wow. This place really went to hell. / [[Several posters hang on the wall: "White-Powers '05", a picture of a hot dog labeled "Q-Dogs // For those late night cravings.", and a picture of a dining hall worker with his arms around two Saint Mary's girls, labeled "Help a Campus Laborer. Get the C.L.A.P.]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=312 |
| Observer Comics Party 2007 | [[The characters from the spring semester 2007 Notre Dame Observer comics stand around at a party. From left to right: Ray Duncan/Burt Reynolds, a gremlin, and Father Jenkins of Liam Moran's "Kaleidoscope McDaniels;" the two main characters of Adam Fairholm's "CroissantWorld;" Locke and Tim; and the squirrel from CroissantWorld, wearing a party hat and holding a jug of moonshine. Locke's t-shirt reads "Bookstore 2007 // We're as Bad as Black Dog."]] / Duncan (to a disapproving Jenkins): Don't get yer britches in a bundle. I called her a NATTY-headed ho. / CroissantGuy #1: So what are you gonna do after you graduate? / CroissantGuy #2: I got a job in plastics. What are you doing? / CroissantGuy #1: Mrs. Robinson. / Locke: Hey, good luck next year. We'll miss you guys. / Tim: Yeah, we're only sophomores. We've got two more years of this crap. / Squirrel: Aw, nuts. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=313 |
| Gray Matters | [[A banner reads "Class of 2011 // 50th Reunion." Two septuagenarians stand talking.]] / Old Man #1: So, you still hittin' the links every Sunday? / Old Man #2: Nah, had to give it up after the hip replacement. // So what've you been up to? / Old Man #1: Work, mostly. I'm at the Mars base now. / Old Man #2: The Chinese one or the Indian one? / Old Man #1: Chinese. They've got better benefits. / Old Man #2: Nice. Hey, you get football tickets this year? / Old Man #1: Yeah, vs. Space Force Academy. / Old Man #2: I've got the Chihuahua State game. / [[Old Man #1 smiles; #2 is deadpan.]] / Old Man #1: Oh! Big news: I finally paid off my student loans last month. / Old Man #2: Hey, good for you. I've still got a few years left to go. / Old Man #1: Well, I'm just glad we graduated before they REALLY jacked up tuition. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=314 |
| The Spider House Rules | Black Panel: ONE was more than enough. // TWO was pushing the limits of good taste. // But nothing can prepare you for the utter crapfest that is -- THE SUMMER 3-QUEL. // Today's tale of dreck: SPIDER-MAN 3 / [[Spider-Man, hanging upside-down, kisses Gwen Stacy.]] / Spider-Man (thinking): My spider-sense is TINGLING. / [[Spider-Man watches Mary Jane Watson storm away angrily.]] / Spider-Man: What? / Mary Jane: You know WHAT. / Spider-Man: That thing with Gwen? That was nothing! It was a PR stunt! / Mary Jane: You and I are through. / Spider-Man: MJ, wait! // I... i can't live without you... / [[Spider-Man sits typing at a computer, mask off, wearing his black costume, hair dyed black and combed over one eye.]] / Computer Screen: myspace.com // lonelyguy15's page // mood: BLACK // music: hands down - dashboard confessional // latest blog post: // today was pretty much the worst day EVAR. my gf dumped me, the guy who I THOUGHT was my best friend stabbed me in the back (literally) and threw a pumpkin bomb at me, and the guy who killed my uncle came back as some kind of sand monster (wtf?) I might fight some crime later. I just... I don't care. // my soul hurts. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=315 |
| Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End | Black Panel: In a world where the only summer movies are crappy rehashes of last summer's crappy rehashes, one comic will bring you -- another crappy rehash. // PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END / [[Locke and Tim walk out of a movie theater. A janitor is sweeping the hallway next to them.]] / Tim: That was the most incoherent studio hack-job I've ever seen! What was that movie ABOUT? / Voice (Off-Panel): I'll tell you what it was ABOUT. / [[The voice is revealed to belong to Johnny Depp, dressed as Jack Sparrow, sitting in a deck chair and holding a martini.]] / Depp: It was about $20 million up front. // Cheers, mate. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=316 |
| Schlock and Shrek | In a time when audienes were tired of seeing the same gag over, and over, and over again, everyone hoped that the repetition would stop with SHREK THE THIRD. // (We couldn't find anyone who saw this movie, so instead of a recap we've cobbled together an approximation of the dialogue from old Saturday Night Live sketches.) / [[Shrek, Puss-in-Boots and Donkey address the reader.]] / Shrek: If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP! / Puss-in-Boots: I am the Antonio Banderas! / Donkey: Celebrity HOT TUB! http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=317 |
| Connect-ED | [[A man in shirtsleeves - WILBUR, John Q. Trustee, and Trustee McMustache stand in front of barn doors.]] / Wilbur: Well, gentlemen, what do you think of ND's new "Connect-ED" emergency response system? / John Q: It's quite impressive, Mr. Post, but why the odd punctuation? Is it some sort of acronym? / Wilbur: Call me Wilbur. And it's actually named after our operator, Ed. Here, let me introduce you to him. / [[The barn doors open to reveal a horse wearing a telecom headset. Wilbur smiles; John Q. and McMustache look incredulous.]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=318 |
| The Lights Are On, But Nobody's Home | Caption: True tales from Notre Dame: A VERBATIM TRANSCRIPT. / [[A secretary in cat eye glasses and a bun talks into a wireless headset.]] / Secretary: University of Notre Dame. How may I help you? / [[She paints her nails.]] / Secretary: No, I'm sorry, the University's closed for the holiday. No one's here. / Secretary: Well, except for the students. They're in class. / Secretary: ...the teachers, too. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=319 |
| The Fishin' Done Gone | [[Tim and Locke are fishing. Locke wears a "Gilligan" hat. Tim pulls a bass out of the water.]] / Locke: Nice one! / [[There is something floating on the water.]] / Tim: Hey, there's a hundred-dollar bill in the lake. / [[Locke reaches for it eagerly.]] / Locke: DIBS! / < http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=320 |
| A B.A. in B.S. | [[KATIE PERALTA is typing on a laptop. MICHAEL TROY looks over her shoulder, smiling.]] / Michael: Hey, how's that Viewpoint letter coming? / Katie: Well, there's a lot of stuff on this list you gave me. I think I got it all in there. / Michael: Superior intellect, piercing blue eyes, disheveled, sun-bleached hair... yeah, that's all good. But you've gotta end it with a bang. / Michael: Write this down: "Ladies, tired of the monotony of campus life? Let Michael rock your world." / [[Katie turns to him, incredulous.]] / Katie: Oh, come ON. Nobody's gonna believe a girl wrote this B.S. / Michael: Look, I gave you my USC tickets. Just type. / Katie: *sigh.* FINE. / [[Katie goes back to typing.]] / Michael: Say that my high school nickname was "The Sexalator." http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=321 |
| Catholicism: All the Credential You Need | [[Professor Whitey walks with Professor Johnston.]] / Whitey: Welcome to Notre Dame, Professor Johnston. I think you'll find our engineering program among the best in the nation. / Johnston: Thanks for the job, but I don't know if I'm really qualified. / Whitey: What do you mean? / Johnston: Well, my Ph.D. is in Gender Studies. / Whitey: But... you're CATHOLIC, right? / Johnston: Well, yeah... / Whitey: Then don't sweat it. We'll assign you a mentor to get you up to speed. / Whitey: Now, come on. I'll show you the electron microscope. / Johnston: The Lecton What-O-Scope? / [[Whitey gives Johnston a knowing smile and puts his arm around his shoulder.]] / Whitey: All in good time, my friend. All in good time. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=322 |
| To Be or Not to BEE | Black Panel: Over the past year, honeybees have been disappearing across the US, and no one knows why. Some believe that radiation from cell phones interferes with the bees' ability to navigate. // As it turns out, this theory is true, but not for the reasons we thought. / [[Closeup of a bee talking on a cell phone.]] / Bee: Well, what'd he say? // What'd SHE say? // HA HA HA! Ahh, that's drones for ya! // All right, catch ya later. / Phone: <<*BEEP*>> / [[The bee, flying over a flower, looks over her shoulder.]] / Bee: Oh, CRAP! Was I supposed to take a right at the begonias? / [[The bee is a speck over a sea of daisies.]] / Bee: WHERE THE HELL AM I? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=323 |
| You Got Customer Served | [[Tim is on the phone.]] / Voice: Thank you for calling Comcast. My name is Shaquaanda. / Tim: Yeah, hi. I'm having a problem with my internet. / Shaquaanda: Hold on while I pull up your account information. // Can you verify the account number? / Tim: Uhh, I don't know that. I'm not the account holder. / [[Tim is growing annoyed.]] / Shaquaanda: All right, can I have the last four digits of the social security number listed on the account? / Tim: I don't have that information. I don't pay the bill. I just live here. / Shaquaanda: Could you give me the last four digits of YOUR social security number? / Tim: Uh, 0803. / Shaquaanda: ...All right, the numbers don't match the ones listed on the account. / [[Tim closes his eyes, furrows his brow and puts his hand to his head.]] / Tim: Yeah. Listen, can I just get some help here? / Shaquaanda: I need to verify your account information. / Tim: Look, what's the big deal here? Are you afraid you'll accidentally fix the wrong person's internet? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=324 |
| Robot REAMS | [[Medium shot of three scientists - Mustache Scientist, Japanese Scientist and Doctor Beardo. The bearded one holds a capsule extremely close to the reader. It is labeled "PROBOT (TM)".]] / Doctor Beardo: Gentlemen, this new colonoscopy robot is self-propelled, self-lubricating, and eliminates the need for invasive endoscopes. / [[Move in to closeup of Japanese Scientist and Doctor Beardo. Put in perspective, the robot is about the size of a bratwurst.]] / Japanese Scientist: That's very impressive, doctor... but isn't it a little BIG? / Doctor Beardo: Well, maybe... // But it's still better than the old robot. / [[The robot from Lost in Space is sticking one of his claws under the bedsheet of a very uncomfortable-looking man.]] / Robot: DANGER! DANGER! WILL ROBINSON! http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=325 |
| Squirrel Away | [[A wiry squirrel is foraging for nuts: < http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=326 |
| Squirrel of Wisdom | [[The Fat Squirrel is holding a bit of danish.]] / Fat Squirrel (thinking): I wonder if they still have those peanut butter and jelly donuts in the dining hall. / Voice: REPENT! / Fat Squirrel (softly): squirrel god? / [[The voice is revealed to belong to angry, ratty-looking squirrel hovering in the air in front of the fat squirrel; his lower half is just a wisp of smoke.]] / Ancestor: I am the great ancestor. I ruled over this forest in the time before man. / Fat Squirrel: Wh- what do you want from me? / Ancestor: YOU have forsaken your proud squirrel heritage! You live among humans. You grow fat off their refuse. You're no better than a common chipmunk! / Fat Squirrel: HEY! ...I'm not fat. / Ancestor: Your only hope of salvation is to renounce your wicked ways and return to the path of righteousness. I have spoken. / [[The Ancestor disappears with a < http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=327 |
| Rust Belting It Out | [[Locke and Tim are walking.]] / Tim: You know, there's that "Chicago, Chicago" song, and that "New York, New York" song, but they never write a song about a place like... Gary, Indiana. / Locke: There's a Gary, Indiana song. / Tim: Get outta here. / Locke: Seriously. It's in "The Music Man." / Tim: Well, how's it go? / Locke: Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, let me say it again: Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana... / Tim: Yeah, that pretty much says it all. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=328 |
| Tased and Confused | [[In an auditorium full of students, a mustachioed police officer is leading away a handcuffed University of Florida student - noteworthy jackass Andrew Meyer.]] / Meyer: GET THE F#@K OFF ME, MAN! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! // DON'T TASE ME, BRO! DON'T TASE ME! / [[The officer takes out his taser. Electricity arcs across the contacts.]] / Meyer: I SAID [DON'T] TASE ME! [DON'T!] / [[Meyer's body dips off-panel as the officer presses the taser to his back.]] / Meyer: OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! LET ME GO! OW! / Student in the Audience: Good thing he didn't say "Don't shoot me." / Taser: < http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=329 |
| Captain Jobless #1 | [[Five students are walking - Ryoko, Max, Katie, Ubuntu and Pepe.]] / Caption: The University is in peril! Our administration is focusing on scientific research at the expense of the humanities! / Ryoko: That career fair was no help at all! / Max: What are we going to do after we graduate? / Caption: Five Arts and Letters students, bestowed with magic rings, fight to restore the balance! / Katie: How are we ever going to make a difference if we can't find work? / Pepe: Should we call on the alumni network? / Ubuntu: No... only a SUPERHERO could help us now! You know what to do. / [[They raise their fists into the air and shoot beams from their rings at a single point in the air.]] / Ubuntu: Psych! / Max: Philo! / Katie: Film! / Ryoko: English! / Pepe: Art! / [[A man appears: square-jawed, crew-cut-mulleted man with stubble on his face and wearing a "RUSH" t-shirt.]] / Man: By your powers combined, I AM CAPTAIN JOBLESS! http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=330 |
| Captain Jobless #2 | [[Captain Jobless floats in the air above the students' heads.]] / Captain Jobless: You're all Arts and Letters majors because you love your studies. // Except you, Max. You're A&L because you don't like homework. / [[Max turns his head away sheepishly.]] / Captain Jobless: But at least none of you sold our your dreams like those damn business majors. / [[Medium-Close on Ubuntu, Ryoko and a smiling Captain Jobless.]] / Ubuntu: But we don't have any marketable skills. / Ryoko: How am I gonna pay back my student loans? / Captain Jobless: Kids, there's more to life than money. You have to follow your passion, no matter where that leads you. / [[A phone on the wall next to Pepe rings: < http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=331 |
| Captain Jobless #3 | [[Captain Jobless is flying through the air, wearing his Rush shirt, cargo shorts and sandals, fist outstretched a la Superman.]] / Caption: Captain Jobless, on a mission, to get some cash to pay back his tuition! // Every day his wallet's lighter, anybody need a freelance writer? / [[Captain Jobless is running away from Chili's, wearing a Van Halen t-shirt. The manager sticks his head out the door and angry waves a bill.]] / Manager: You'll pay for this, Captain Jobless! / [[The five students stand facing the reader.]] / Altogether: We're in Arts and Letters, and you can be too, if gainful employment's not important to you. Holistic education just doesn't pay, here's what Captain Jobless has to say: / [[Captain Jobless walks up to them, jerking a thumb over his shoulder.]] / Captain Jobless: Can I crash on your couch tonight? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=332 |
| Scientific PRIGor | [[A mustachioed researcher, Dr. Patel, gets coffee, an irritated look on his face. His mug reads "World's Greatest Researcher." A nerdy researcher engages him in conversation:]] / Nerd: Hey Patel, you hear about Dr. Parkman's big breakthrough? / Patel: Parkman's a hack. He never would have MADE his breakthrough without MY research. / [[The nerdy researcher sips coffee next to an irate Dr. Parkman.]] / Parkman: He said WHAT?! Patel couldn't research his ASS with a $10 million federal grant! / [[The nerdy researcher sits in a chair holding a coffe mug labeled "#1 Researcher." In the chair next to him lounges a sideburned researcher with a cocky smile.]] / Sideburns: So how's their study on arrogance in the workplace going? / Nerd: Mine's better. / Sideburns: Yeah, but not as good as mine. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=333 |
| Survivorman | [[Black Panel of the "Survivorman" logo.]] / [[Les Stroud is hunched over a shallow pool of water on a rock. He speaks directly toward the reader:]] / Les: It's my fourth day in the desert, and I'm getting desperate. Normally it isn't a good idea to drink from a shallow, stagnant puddle of water, but I need to hydrate or I'll die. // I can tell from these droppings that some mice were here before me. Hope I don't get dysentery. / [[Les hikes up a hill with a walking stick. He looks over his shoulder to address the reader:]] / Les: Well, I'm feeling pretty sick right now, but I'm still alive, and I have the strength to explore over this ridge. / [[Les comes up over the ridge. A waterfall runs over a neighboring cliff, pooling in a large lake below. A fish jumps out of the water.]] / Les (yelling loudly): MOTHER#%@&#*! http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=334 |
| Trojan Course | [[A USC Trojan drum major stands talking to a Trojan band member, HECTOR. They are both in full costume.]] / Drum Major: Hector, status report! / Hector: The mission was a success, sir. I've convinced Notre Dame to clear course packet copyrights through University Custom Publishing. / Drum Major: Excellent. Now we can screw ND students with outrageous fees. Who would suspect that UCP is actually a wholly-owned subsidiary of the USC TROJAN BOOKSTORE? / Hector: Well, it IS on the website. / Drum Major: That reminds me. How did you, a TROJAN, infiltrate the enemy's staff undetected? / Hector: Let's just say I was... INCOGNITO. / [[Hector shakes hands with a cigar-smoking Administrator McMustache. Hector is still in full band uniform, but wears a burlesque fake mustache.]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=335 |
| Ten-Gallon Hat | [[Two members of the Irish Guard stand in a state of half-dress. One is bald, the other buzz cut. They sternly address a concerned-looking rookie Guardsman.]] / Baldie: Hey, kid. Heard you got caught drinking. That's a violation of the Guard's Code of Conduct. / Buzz: When you mess up, we all take the blame. / Kid: I'm sorry, guys. I didn't mean-- / [[Buzz puts his arm around the Kid.]] / Buzz: Listen, newb. It's a tradition to get buzzed before games. Just don't let the band directors find out about it, all right? If you're gonna drink, keep it under your hat. / [[The Kid sits on a chair, a mini-keg balanced on his head, two hoses running to his mouth. Baldie and Buzz lower a tall Irish Guard hat over the keg.]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=336 |