You're browsing the archives of Black Dog.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Getting the Boot | [[Three girls sit on a couch talking, one wearing a North Face vest, one in a turtleneck, one in a hoodie.]] / Turtleneck Girl: So, like, I heard that, like, if the writers' strike doesn't end, they're gonna stop making "Grey's" after Christmas. / North Face Girl: Ohmigod, seriously? / Hoodie Girl: I don't know what I'd do without "Grey's." / Turtleneck Girl: I know, right? / [[A tattooed barbarian, clad only in a bearskin loincloth and wielding a massive warhammer, pops up behind the girls and lets out a primal cry. The girls scream in fright.]] / Barbarian: HRRAAAAAAAARGH! / Barbarian (to Hoodie Girl): HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO BORROW MY BOOTS? / [[Hoodie Girl is wearing furry boots labeled "UGG."]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=367 |
| Sisterhood of the Traveling Rants | [[Turtleneck Girl, Ugg the Barbarian and North Face Girl sit on the couch talking.]] / Ugg: Does she ever take your guys's stuff without asking? / North Face Girl: Ohmigod, YES. It's sooo annoying. / Ugg: And she's always texting while she's talking to you. / Turtleneck Girl: Yeah, what's up with THAT? / North Face Girl: She made out with my boyfriend at a KEOUGH SYR. / [[Hoodie Girl walks up behind them.]] / Hoodie Girl: Hey guys, you wanna hit the Feve tonight? / North Face Girl (smiling): Oh, yeah. Sounds good. / Hoodie Girl: Cool. See ya later. / [[Hoodie Girl leaves. The other girls and Ugg glare after her.]] / Ugg: Bitch. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=368 |
| Hammering It Home | [[Turtleneck Girl, Ugg the Barbarian and North Face Girl sit on the couch drinking coffees.]] / Ugg: Like, I love "Grey's Anatomy," but I hate it. I just get so emotionally wrapped up in it. / Turtleneck Girl: Like when Burke and Cristina broke up on their WEDDING DAY. / Ugg: Oh my God, I know. / North Face Girl: It's so frustrating. / [[Medium-close on Ugg, looking annoyed.]] / Ugg: I KNOW! It's like when you drive a spiked warhammer through a guy's head, and it gets STUCK, so you have to smash his skull to get it out. It's like, HELLO, I needed that skull for my collection? / [[The girls gasp in horror.]] / Ugg (nonchalantly, to North Face Girl): You gonna finish that latte? / [[North Face Girl proffers her coffee to Ugg nervously.]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=369 |
| Rudy Awakening | [[Tim and Locke walk, arguing.]] / Tim: Can you believe this guy? He takes fifteen minutes of fame and turns it into a career! // The book signings, the motivational speeches -- I'm sick of it! / Locke: C'mon, give the guy a little credit. Doing all that takes ingenuity. / [[They walk past a dressing-room door marked "RUDY."]] / Tim: The only reason anyone's ever heard of him is because of that godawful movie. How can people watch that? / Locke: He's an underdog. People like rooting for him. / Tim: He's a HACK. And that lovable loser shtick is getting old. / [[Tim and Locke walk out of panel. The door opens and an annoyed reindeer, wearing a robe and holding a martini, pokes his head out.]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=370 |
| FrankINCENSED | [[The biblical Magi Melchior and Caspar ride their camels, talking.]] / Melchior: Lessee... I've got the gold, myrrh's on the other camel. You brought the frankincense, right? / Caspar: Yeah. / [[Closeup of Caspar's befuddled face.]] / Caspar: Wait. FrankinCENSE? / [[Wide shot of the three magi riding their camels over sand dunes. Behind them walks Frankenstein's monster, whom Caspar is leading by a chain.]] / Balthasar: Hey, who's that guy? / Frankenstein: HRRRGH... http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=371 |
| BarBARING It All | [[A group of men, clad only in masks, streak through the Student Center. Their dignity is protected by several strategically-placed couches and a janitor carrying a Christmas tree. Locke and his girlfriend sit on one couch, looking on; Hoodie Girl and Ugg the Barbarian sit on another.]] / Hoodie Girl: Hey Ugg, how come you're not doing the Bun Run? / Ugg: Are you kidding? I'm not a WEIRDO. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=372 |
| X-egesis | [[Tim is stapling the letters "MERRY XMAS" to a hallway bulletin board.]] / [[An anal-retentive girl approaches him disapprovingly.]] / Girl: You shouldn't write "Xmas." / Tim: But there's not enough room to-- / Girl: When you write "Xmas," you're crossing Christ out of Christmas. / [[St. Peter and another apostle approach Jesus, who is wearing a black t-shirt, black trenchcoat, sunglasses and a cross necklace; his hair is pulled back into a ponytail.]] / St. Peter: Hey J.C., ready for your party? / Jesus: I TOLD y'all to call me X. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=373 |
| The Hirsute of Happiness | [[Tim is sitting in a chair reading a newspaper. His face is covered in stubble.]] / [[Locke walks up to him. He has a full beard. Tim looks up from his newspaper.]] / Tim: You saw Sweeney Todd too, huh? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=374 |
| London Bawling | [[Koz walks up to Tim, smiling. He is carrying a book entitled "Celsius 233" and wearing a t-shirt reading "The Clash."]] / Tim: Hey, welcome back, Koz! How was London? / Koz: Great! We went to Leicester Square, and I got this English edition of "Fahrenheit 451," and the drinking age is 18 there, so we went out every night! / Tim: Sounds fun. / [[Koz shows Tim an image on a digital camera.]] / Koz: Yeah! And this one time, we were in a castle in Ireland, and we saw Paul McCartney, and he INVITED US TO COME JAM WITH HIM! I helped him work out the bassline for his next single! Here's a picture of us. / [[Tim's face drops.]] / Koz: Oh, and this other time, we were in this farmhouse in the country, and guess what we found? Lost Shakespeare play! Yeah, "Love's Labours Won!" They're premiering it next week! / Koz: Hey, you're really into English stuff. Why didn't you go abroad? / [[Tim covers his face with his hands.]] / Tim: I... didn't want to miss football season. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=375 |
| Captain Jobless vs. The Writers’ Strike #1 | [[Hollywood producer "Sid" sits talking to his concerned-looking assistant, Bob.]] / Sid: Bob, what' the situation out there? / Bob: It's bad, Sid. Read bad. The Writers' Guild is threatening to picket the Academy Awards! / Sid: Damn it all! They could shut down the whole show! / [[Sid picks up the phone.]] / Sid: We need someone who can talk to these writers. Someone who speaks their language. Someone who is unemployed himself. / Bob: Who are you calling? / Sid: The only man who can help us now. // GET ME CAPTAIN JOBLESS! / [[Captain Jobless is playing air guitar. His roommate calls to him:]] / CJ's Roommate (Off-Panel): Hey, man, you got a phone call, dude! / Captain Jobless: Hang on, I love this song! / Stereo: Hey, hey, mama, said the way you MOVE, gon' MAKE you sweat, gon' make you groove! / Captain Jobless: Wa-na-na-ba-na-DA-na-ba-na-banamana-DA-nah-ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-naaaah! http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=376 |
| Captain Jobless vs. The Writers’ Strike #2 | [[Sid is talking to Captain Jobless.]] / Sid: Captain Jobless! Thank you for coming on such short notice. / Captain Jobless: Thank YOU for comping my airfare. / Sid: I'll be blunt. This writers' strike is crippling Hollywood, and we need it to end. / Captain Jobless: I see your problem. Without writers, wherever will you get your ideas? / [[Captain Jobless stretches out his arms in a yawn and drops a packet on Sid's desk.]] / Captain Jobless: *Yaaaawn.* // Whoops! I accidentally dropped a copy of my screenplay on your desk. How clumsy of me. / [[Sid picks it up. It is entitled "Titus Andromedus."]] / Captain Jobless: It's a sci-fi Shakespeare adaptation. Might be worth a read. / Sid (wearily): *sigh.* I can't look at scripts without the proper legal release. / Captain Jobless (smiling): I left a notarized copy with your secretary. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=377 |
| Captain Jobless vs. The Writers’ Strike #3 | [[Sid stands in the foreground, looking at Captain Jobless out of the corner of his eye.]] / Sid: Captain, if these writers picket the Oscars, they could turn the ceremony into a damn PRESS CONFERENCE! / Captain Jobless: What's the big deal? / [[Closeup of Sid and Captain Jobless in profile, face-to-face.]] / Sid: Without pageantry, the Oscars are as irrelevant as the Nobel Prize! You saw what happened to the Golden Globes! I WON'T let it happen to us! Now what's it gonna be? / [[Extreme closeup of the right half of Captain Jobless' face.]] / Captain Jobless: ...All right, I'm in. What do you want me to do? / [[Extreme closeup of the left half of Sid's face.]] / Sid: Convince the writers to return to work... by any means necessary. // And Captain... if you fail, we shall all pay dearly. / [[Medium-close, Captain Jobless pulls out a parking ticket.]] / Captain Jobless: Oh, that reminds me! Can you validate my parking? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=378 |
| Captain Jobless vs. The Writers’ Strike #4 | [[Captain Jobless wears a coat and earmuffs, talking to a writer wearing a knit cap and an "I (Heart) NY" baseball jacket.]] / Captain Jobless: Come on, the Directors Guild made a deal with the studios. Why won't you? / Writer: Captain, we DESERVE due compensation. Do you have any idea what it's like being a struggling writer? / Captain Jobless: Well, actually... / [[Closeup of Captain Jobless' face, looking concerned.]] / Writer: The studios make billions from OUR work. Meanwhile, you're behind on your student loan payments, your landlord's gonna evict you because you can't make rent, and you don't have any other job options because you're a liberal arts major! / Captain Jobless: All right, that tears it! Damn the studios, I'M ON STRIKE! / [[The writer hands him a sign reading "Writers Guild of America // ON STRIKE."]] / Writer: Great! Grab a sign. We'll get those residuals if we have to stand out here all winter! / Captain Jobless: Wait, what? / Caption: Can Captain Jobless save the future of television? Will the writers get their just deserts? Will this strike EVER end? / [[Captain Jobless is holding the sign, addressing the reader.]] / Captain Jobless: Man, I hope so. I'm freezing my ass off out here. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=379 |
| Robes Scholar | [[A professor addresses a group of students in a dorm section lounge. In the background, Locke walks down the hallway in a towel. The professor is distracted by him as he walks by.]] / Professor: Aeschylus was the first playwright to use a second actor onstage, a crucial development in the... uh... / [[Closeup of the professor, looking angry.]] / Professor (thinking): I can't believe it. Reduced to teaching in a dormitory lounge. I'm a Rhodes Scholar! At least it can't get much worse. / [[Locke walks up to the professor, who is about to snap.]] / Locke: Hey, um... I got locked out of my room. Is it cool if I chill with you guys 'til the R.A. gets back? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=380 |
| Hot Seat | [[Two jocks sit, laughing.]] / Jock #1: Hey, how come there aren't any hot chicks on campus? / Jock #2: All-you-can-eat fro-yo. / Jock #1: Huh-huh-huh-huh, yeah! / [[A girl walks up to Jock #2, who eyes her seductively.]] / Girl: Hey, is this seat taken? / Jock #2: Why, no, it isn't. / [[The girl walks off-panel. Jock #2 looks angry.]] / Girl: Can't imagine why not. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=381 |
| DiploMISSy | [[Kirsten is being crowned Miss America.]] / Music (Off-Panel): There she is, Miss America, // There she is, your ideal... / [[The host approaches a smiling Kirsten.]] / Host: Congratulations, Kirsten! As Miss America, you will have the opportunity to work on issues of importance to society. / [[Kirsten is wearing Henry Kissinger glasses, talking on a phone at the center of a table. A placard in front of her reads "Miss America." Seated to the left and right of her are "Miss Israel," "Miss U.K.," "Miss China," and a burqa-clad "Miss Iran."]] / Miss America: It is the opinion of the U.S. delegation that talks can proceed no further until Miss Palestine recognizes Miss Israel's right to exist. / Caption: MISS WORLD SUMMIT http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=382 |
| First Laddy | [[Hillary Clinton is on TV. There is a man facing the TV screen -- only the back of his head is visible.]] / Hillary: ...I was convinced that President Eisenhower called up my teacher and said, "you tell these children, and particularly Hillary, that her country needs her. In 1961, President Kennedy... / [[The man turns to address the reader: it is Bill Clinton.]] / Bill: Hey there, America. I know what you're thinking: this bitch in the White House? Trust me, I feel your pain. // But admit it. You miss me. You need me. You want me back. / [[Bill is wearing a robe, holding a bottle of Courvoisier in one hand and a cigar in the other.]] / Bill: So what do you say? Can I be your "First Laddy"? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=383 |
| God Emperor of Spoon | [[A mustachioed dining hall staffer talks to a student dining hall worker JOHNSON.]] / Staffer: Johnson, find out how many spoons we lost this semester so I know how many to reorder. / Johnson: You want me... to count spoons. Can't you just expense them? / Staffer: You business majors always want to expense everything. Get countin'. / [[Medium-close on Johnson and the staffer. The staffer looks suspicious.]] / Johnson: Done. / Staffer: So how many are missing? / Johnson: Oh, I'd say about ten thousand. / Staffer: I need an exact count. / Johnson: 12,960. / Staffer: You'd better be right. / Johnson: My shift's over. I'm going home. / [[Johnson's dorm room, at the center of which is a massive pile of spoons. He drops one more on top.]] / Johnson: 12,961. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=384 |
| For Whom the Cell Tolls | [[Pope Benedict XVI is celebrating mass, arms outstretched.]] / Pope: Misereatur tui omnipotens deus, et dismissis peccatis tuis... / [[He is interrupted by a < http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=385 |
| There's Something About St. Mary's | [[Tim is reading the newspaper. Locke looks over his shoulder.]] / Tim: Listen to this: SMC's student body V.P. objects to people "talking about Saint Mary's in a degrading way that's not funny." / Locke: Does that mean we can degrade them as long as it's funny? / Tim: I guess. / Caption: Meanwhile, at Saint Mary's... / [[Several girls are having a discussion.]] / Short-Haired Girl: Our next point of business is coming up with a better slogan for the college. "She's Saint Mary's" is SO 90's. / Long-Haired Girl #1: How 'bout "Saint Mary's: Get your M.R.S." / Asian Girl: "Why Saint Mary's? Why not?" / Long-Haired Girl #2: "Saint Mary's: You could do worse." / Ponytail Girl: "Saint Mary's: Right next to Notre Dame." / Glasses Girl: Saint Mary's: We can SO take a joke. ...As long as it's done in a tasteful, non-offensive manner, and doesn't take sides against the college, but empathizes with our concerns and celebrates our special uniqueness and ultimately uplifts the spirit of our student body. / Long-Haired Girl #2: What about jokes directed at Notre Dame? / Glasses Girl: Ah, screw them. Say whatever the hell you want. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=386 |
| Patriot Games | [[Charlie Weis is sitting in a chair, on the phone.]] / Weis: Hey, Belichick? It's Charlie Weis. Yeah, tough loss. Hey, listen. Now that your season's over, I was hoping you could help me analyze where Notre Dame went wrong this year. / Weis: Hello? // Bill? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=387 |
| Small Change | [[Administrator McMustache is talking to a man wearing glasses.]] / McMustache: We're proud to announce that financial aid has gone up 31% over the past twenty years. / Glasses Man: But tuition has gone up 300%! / [[Glasses Man ticks off expenses on his fingers.]] / Glasses Man: Not to mention the cost of room & board, books, course packets, parking permits... / McMustache: Yeah, but we're making up the cost to students in other ways. / [[Shot of a tray of hot dogs beneath a sign reading "QUARTER DOGS // Still just a quarter!"]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=388 |
| Party Favors | [[A CNN reporter addresses the reader. Music plays in the background.]] / Music: TWO-THOUSAND-ZERO-ZERO-PARTY OVER, OOPS -- OUT OF TIME, SO TONIGHT I'M GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S 1999! / Reporter: The mood is upbeat here at Clinton campaign headquarters. / [[Bill Clinton is gleefully dancing with two young women.]] / Music: IF YOU DIDN'T COME TO PARTY, DON'T BOTHER KNOCKIN' ON MY DOOR, I GOT A LION IN MY POCKET, AND BABY HE'S READY TO ROAR! / [[The reporter interviews Clinton.]] / Reporter: President Clinton, you seem pleased with Hillary's showing. / Bill: Who? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=389 |
| The Weather Outside is Frightful | [[Tim and Locke are walking outside wearing coats; Locke is in a knit cap. It is raining.]] / Tim: Man, the economy's really going down the crapper. / Locke: You know whose fault that is? Terrorists. / Tim: Nuh-uh. / Locke: Yuh-huh. / [[The rain turns to snow.]] / Locke: They created the subprime mortgage fiasco to cause a bank collapse. / Tim: That's ridiculous. / Locke: And you know what else? They're funding Clinton and Obama so we pull out of Iraq. / Tim: You're insane. / [[The snow turns to hail.]] / Tim: Ahh! Ow! Damn hail! / Locke: Let's get inside. / [[Osama bin Laden reads off a clipboard.]] / bin Laden: All right, that's rain, snow, hail... I think I'll send 'em a tornado next. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=390 |
| Get Lent | [[Two girls are walking with dining hall trays.]] / Girl #1: I hate how the dining hall doesn't serve meat on Fridays during Lent. / Girl #2: Yeah, they could at least have it for the non-Catholic students. / Girl #1: They say you can still get meat in LaFortune, but --- / Girl #2: Yeah, it still sucks. / Caption: Meanwhile, in Africa... / [[Two gaunt Africans stand talking.]] / African #1: I wish we had food on Fridays. / African #2: Or any day. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=391 |
| Permission Impossible | [[Notre Dame Student Body President Liz Brown stands at the head of a table lined with men in suits.]] / Liz Brown: I'd like to thank the trustees for meeting with me. Now, while it's true that Student Government didn't get much done this year, we DID stop the town from passing its party permit. / [[Rugged Trustee and Trustee McMustache sit talking.]] / Rugged Trustee: Should we tell her that we threatened to sue under the First Amendment? / Trustee McMustache: Nah, she looks so cute and presidential. Let her have her moment. / Rugged Trustee: You know, this is how Hillary started out. / [[McMustache raises his hand, a panicked look on his face.]] / Trustee McMustache: Miss, there's something we need to tell you. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=392 |
| No Excuses | [[Hillary Clinton faces the reader.]] / Reporter (Off-Panel): Senator Clinton -- staff shakeup in January; you continue to lose primaries; your Chief of Staff quit. Are YOU the problem here? / Hillary: No, it's Bill. / [[Charlie Weis faces the reader.]] / Reporter (Off-Panel): Coach Weis, can you explain your decision to stop calling offense and be a position coach? / Weis: When a head coach makes himself an assistant to an assistant coach, it creates a sense of urgency. / [[Notre Dame basketball coach Mike Brey faces the reader.]] / Reporter (Off-Panel): Coach Brey, to what do you attribute your success this season? / Brey: Winning. / [[Because Hillary Clinton and Charlie Weis are losers. Get it?]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=393 |
| ForeBRAUN Conclusion | [[Locke approaches the cartoonist, who is drawing the comic.]] / Locke: Hey, how come you didn't run that Maris Braun comic? / Cartoonist: Well, I talked to her last night, and she was pretty uncomfortable with it. / Locke: That sucks. / Cartoonist: Actually, she was pretty cool about it. She realizes how hard it is to come up with a new comic every day. She's bright, she's articulate, she's got her act together. // I was really impressed. / Locke: Huh. So you gonna vote for her? / Cartoonist: Oh, I don't vote. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=394 |
| Vagina Monologues '08 | [[An angry professor addresses Father Jenkins.]] / Professor: Father, how can you allow the Vagina Monologues to continue? / Jenkins: The creative contextualization of a play like the Vagina Monologues can bring certain perspectives on important issues into a constructive and fruitful dialogue with the Catholic tradition. / Caption: Opening night... / [[Ben Miller, Locke, Bismark and Tim walk out of the theater, dazed. Father Jenkins stands outside, arms crossed, a satisfied smile on his face.]] / Locke: That was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. / Bismark: I'm never having sex again. / Tim: I'm going to become a priest. / Jenkins (thinking): Mission: accomplished. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=395 |
| Eye on the Prize | [[Locke presents a ring to his girlfriend.]] / Locke: Sweetie, I got you something. It's a promise ring. It symbolizes my promise to get engaged to be engaged to you. / Girlfriend: Oh, that's the sweetest-- / [[Girlfriend looks angry.]] / Girlfriend: Is this plastic? You cheap son of a-- / Locke: Hey, that set me back 25 bucks! / [[A frustrated Locke tries to pick up a jewelry box inside a claw machine.]] / Locke: Come ON, already! http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=396 |