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| Ice Sage | [[Two bald-headed cyborgs, 59-Aleph and 23-Theta, are talking. 59-Aleph bears more than a passing resemblance to Tim.]] / 59-Aleph: Technician 23-Theta, what is the status of the ice-man? / 23-Theta: Thawing sequence almost complete. / 59-Aleph: Excellent. I want to greet him when he wakes up. / 23-Theta: But 59-Aleph, so much has changed since he was frozen! He won't understand a word you say! / 59-Aleph: I majored in 21st century English. He'll understand me just fine. / [[Locke sits up in a tube, naked, stubble on his face. 59-Aleph greets him:]] / 59-Aleph: hay d00d! welcum 2 teh fut0rz! wanna cyber? http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=427 |
| Pocket Fisher of Men | [[Shot of various Pope Benedict XVI-themed merchandise: "Benedict XVI bobbleheads," "Benedict XVI car fresheners" (in frankincense, hyssop, myrrh and sandalwood," "Eggs Benedict XVI Hollandaise sauce," "Benedict XVI shot glasses," and "Benedict XVI yarmulkes."]] / [[A black-haired man examines a "Popopoly" board game while talking to the shopkeeper.]] / Man: Man, Catholics'll buy anything related to the Church. / Shopkeeper: Well, not ANYTHING. / [[The shopkeeper motions over his shoulder to a poster of Cardinal Law giving a thumbs-up. A caption beneath him reads "Viva Roma!"]] / Shopkeeper: We took a real bath on this Cardinal Law merchandise. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=428 |
| Macbeth: Original Ending | [[Macbeth and Macduff are swordfighting.]] / Macbeth: Let fall thy blade on vulnerable crests; I bear a charmèd life which must not yield to one of woman born. / <>]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=429 |
| Pope Friction | [[Four Red Sox fans sit at a bar.]] / Fan #1: Can you believe the Pope's not coming to Boston? / Fan #2: Yeah, but he's going to New York. / Fan #3: Wicked lame. / Fan #4: Least it can't get much worse. / [[A TV on the wall displays a shot of Yankee Stadium, with the banner "YANKEE STADIUM Welcomes the Pope!" The TV caption reads "[Action 7 News] Pope says Mass at Yankee Stadium."]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=430 |
| Make My Earth Day | [[A girl holds out a clipboard to Bismark and Locke as they walk past.]] / Girl: Happy Earth Day! Would you like to sign up to collect used batteries? / Bismark: No. Not at all. / Locke: Earth Day. PFFFFFT! Screw that! / Bismark: Seriously. Picking up batteries is about the most boring possible way I can think of to spend an afternoon. / [[A priest waves to Bismark and Locke.]] / Priest: Hello, boys! How would you like to attend my lecture on the life and works of St. Acepsimas of Hnaita? Today's his Feast Day, you know! / Bismark: Well, uhhh... / Locke: Sorry, Father Mulroney, we can't. We, uh... / [[Bismark grabs the Earth Day girl by the shoulder and signs up on her clipboard.]] / Bismark: We've gotta collect batteries for Earth Day. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=431 |
| Victoria's Secret | [[A businesswoman stands addressing several people at a table; another businesswoman and a businessman are visible in panel.]] / Businesswoman #1: People, Victoria's Secret's Q4 profits are down 12%, and I think we all know why: we've become too sexy. / Businessman: HA! You're joking, right? / Businessman: ...Right? / Businesswoman #2: No, she's got a point. Women don't want to be objectified through skimpy clothing. / Businesswoman #1: Exactly! Which is why we're unveiling our new product line. / [[Businesswoman #1 crosses her arms and, with a satisfied look on her face, reveals a poster of a woman in a neck-to-toe Victorian dress, bearing the caption "VICTORIAN SECRET".]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=432 |
| Fighting Tooth and Clausen | [[Locke and Tim are walking, holding dining hall trays.]] / Locke: Hey Tim, you're never gonna believe who my dad had lunch with the other day -- Joe Theismann! / Tim: Wow, that's pretty cool. / Locke: Yeah, he thinks football's gonna go 8-4 next season. / [[Locke faces the reader.]] / Locke: You hear that, Jimmy? 8 TO 4. / Tim: Who are you talking to? / [[Reverse angle to reveal that Locke is looking at Jimmy Clausen, who is getting food. Locke points to him.]] / Locke: Jimmy Clausen. He's over there. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=433 |
| Famous Quotations, First Drafts | Black Panel: Famous Quotations, First Drafts / [[John F. Kennedy addresses the reader.]] / Kennedy: Ask not what your country can do for you, you lazy sack of crap. / [[Nathan Hale addresses the reader, holding a sword, a severed noose around his neck.]] / Hale: I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country. And by "I," I mean "you." / [[Winston Churchill addresses the reader, a cigar dangling from his mouth.]] / Churchill: The only traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy and the lash--- and that's just weeknights! http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=434 |
| Classic Movie Lines, First Drafts | Black Panel: Classic Movie Lines, First Drafts / [[Shot of Vivien Leigh.]] / Vivien: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. The stranger the kindness, the better. / [[Shot of Sidney Poitier.]] / Sidney: They call me MISTER Tibbs... BITCH. / [[Shot of Ingrid Bergman.]] / Ingrid: Play it, Sam. For old times' sake. Play "Baby's Got Back." http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=435 |
| Parietal Bone | [[Locke and a girl are sitting on a couch. Locke has his arm around the girl, making overtures. She is reading a book.]] / Locke: Hey, babe... you know how much I like you. / Girl: Yeah. / Locke: You know you're the one. / Girl: That's what you keep telling me. / Locke: So, you wanna... / Girl: Not now. I'm busy. / Locke: It's a half-hour 'til parietals. / [[The girl looks at Locke.]] / [[Locke is bent over, 45 degrees from horizontal, giving a "thumbs up" to the reader. From off panel bottom, the girl's hand reaches around his neck.]] / Caption: PARIETALS // Helping ND guys hook up since 1972 http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=436 |
| Observer Comics Party 2008 | [[A group of characters from Notre Dame comics, 2007-2008, stand at a party. From left to right: One of the guys from "Deuces Manor," Charlie Weis, the two girls from "Another Unfunny Comic," Andy Spangler and Rich Protiva from "Tastes Like Failure," the girl from "The Single Life," Captain Jobless, the stick figure from "Lollerskates," one of the characters from "Jockular," Tim, Locke, one of the characters from "CroissantWorld," and the gremlin from "Kaleidoscope McDaniels."]] / Weis (confronting the Deuces Manor guy): Hey, I know you! You're one of those #@*%#&@* @#*%#*@% b****-a** turd burgers who made fun of my weight! // ...hey, are there any burgers around here? / Unfunny Girl #1: Got you a mojito, babe. / Unfunny Girl #2: Thanks, babe. / Andy Spangler: Ever notice those two are always lurking in the shadows? / Rich Protiva: Yeah. Why don't they just come out already? / Single Girl (thinking): *sigh.* ...Did I just sigh in my mind? *sigh.* / Single Girl: *SIGH.* / Captain Jobless (to Lollerskates guy): Wow, you look a lot different in person. / Jockular Guy (to Tim and Locke): Rough year, huh. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=437 |
| Moose-Stache Week | [[A group of guys with mustaches stands in front of Zahm House. Several freshmen who are moving in eye them uneasily. One of the Zahm guys speaks:]] / Zahm Guy: Nice job on the moose-staches, guys. The freshmen are totally creeped out. / [[A hairy guy in a tank top answers.]] / Tank Top Guy: Is THAT what we're doing? I thought it was a Freddie Mercury look-alike contest. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=438 |
| Internment | [[An internship advisor addresses Tim.]] / Advisor: So tell me, Tim, do you feel you made a good impression during your summer internship? / Tim: Well... / [[Two office workers stand talking. One is messing around with a photocopier; the other is holding a coffee mug reading "I'm Awesome."]] / Worker #1: What's wrong with the copy machine? / Worker #2: Ahh, the f#@*in' intern f#@*ed it up. / [[A businessman in a suit throws coffee at Tim.]] / Businessman: I said non-fat HALF-caf chai mocha latte! / [[A group of people run away from a fire, screaming.]] / [[Back to him and his advisor.]] / Tim: I think they'll remember me. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=439 |
| Thoreauly Enjoyable | [[Henry David Thoreau sits under a tree by a pond, writing.]] / Thoreau (writing): The light which puts out our eyes is darkness to us. Only that day dawns to which we are awake. There is more day to dawn. The sun is but a morning star. / [[Medium-close shot of Thoreau.]] / Thoreau: THE END. Now all it needs is a title. / [[Reveal the cover of his manuscript; it reads "Nature Kicks Ass // H.D. Thoreau.]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=440 |
| POUND IT. | [[Charlie Weis addresses the reader.]] / Weis: Men, this is our season! Let's show 'em what Notre Dame men are made of! I've got two words for you: POUND IT. / Weis: I wanna see you all pounding it out there! Pound it long and pound it hard! 'Cause when the going gets hard, the hard get POUNDING! / Weis: We're gonna pound it nasty. Pound it until we're sore. Pound it until we come out on top! / Weis: And then we're gonna play football. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=441 |
| batman@nd.edu | [[Tim is sitting at a computer. Locke looks over his shoulder.]] / Tim: Check this out. I have a teacher named Bruce Atman. His email address is batman@nd.edu. / Locke: Heh. You think he dresses up and fights crime at night? / [[Tim turns to Locke.]] / Tim: Well, NDSP can't handle it ALL by themselves. / Both: HA HA HA HA HA! / Caption: Meanwhile, at Atman Manor... / [[A figure sits in shadow, talking on the telephone.]] / Atman: Threatening to poison the water supply? ...Yes, Commissioner, I understand. I'm on my way. / [[Atman stands up. He is dressed as Aquaman and telepathic waves pulse from his head.]] / Atman: Come on, underwater friends. We've got work to do. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=442 |
| Swarm Fuzzies | [[Tim's phone rings: < http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=443 |
| Putting the “Pep” in Pep Rally | [[A woman stands talking to a Dillon guy.]] / Woman: The Dillon Pep Rally's been canceled. / Dillon Guy: WHAT? Why? / Woman: The t-shirt days "A Guide to Your First Time" with a picture of a Trojan warrior. That's clearly sexual innuendo. / Dillon Guy: It's a SPARTAN. Our first sketch is a parody of 300. You're reading WAY too much into it. / [[Pull back to reveal that they are standing next to a massive wooden horse marked "SPARTAN STALLION." / Woman: So what's in the horse? / Dillon Guy: Condoms. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=444 |
| Fakin' the Funk on a Nasty Drunk | [[Locke, wearing a jacket and tie, addresses an audience off-panel.]] / Locke: ...current drinking-age laws excessively curtail the rights of young adults. The 21-drinking age is a failed attempt to control the actions of our citizens through legislation. / Locke: Illegalizing alcohol does not prevent underage drinking; it only drives it underground and encourages furtive drinking habits which are synonymous with alcoholism. // Far from promoting safety, the current laws only instill dangerous habits in students -- habits which persist long after their 21st birthdays. / [[Locke addresses the reader.]] / Locke: For our rights as Americans, for the safety and health of our youth, and in the name of common sense, we must end this arbitrary discrimination and lower the drinking age to 18. / Locke: Plus, it'll let us get freshmen girls legally drunk. // Thank you. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=445 |
| Enough is a Muff | [[Charlie Weis walks with a coach. Weis looks around angrily.]] / Weis: Hey, wait a minute! This isn't Applebee's! / Coach #1: Sorry, Charlie. That was just a ruse to get you here. This is a coaching intervention. You need HELP. / [[Weis stands in front of two more coaches.]] / Weis: Hey, I gave up the play call sheets. / Coach #3: And everyone around you has them on hand "just in case." / Coach #2: And there's no reason for you to keep wearing that headset. / Weis: I can take the headset off any time I want! I just... don't want to. / [[Charlie clamps his hands over the headset.]] / Coach #4: Charl-- / Weis: I DON'T WANNA! / Coach #1: I know this is hard for you, but we're your friends. We're here to help. You don't have to go cold turkey. We can wean you off the headset. / [[Shot of Weis with his arms crossed angrily, wearing earmuffs.]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=446 |
| Palin Comparison | [[Tim and Locke are sitting on the couch. Tim is reading the Observer; Locke is holding a 40-ounce Colt 45.]] / Tim: She's simply not qualified to be vice president. / Locke: She's more qualified than Obama is to be president. / [[Locke points at Tim unsteadily.]] / Tim: You're full of it. / Locke: YOU'RE full of it! She's a former mayor, governor, full-time mom, she's rooted out corruption, and eliminated waste in the Alaskan government! / [[Sarah Palin is putting a tuxedo on Bullwinkle in the middle of a field.]] / Bullwinkle: And she can FIELD DRESS A MOOSE! http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=447 |
| Ticketed Off | [[A girl is talking to Koz, who wears a Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon" prism shirt.]] / Girl: So my friend asks me to hold his beer while he goes to the bathroom / Koz: Understandable. / Girl: So while I'm waiting for the guy to get back, NDSP comes by and charges me with underage possession. / Locke: It's like we're living in a police state. / Girl: I KNOW! Total abuse of authority. It's like --- / Koz: Hold that thought; I gotta use the john. Hold my bong? / Girl: Okay. / [[He hands it to her.]] http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=448 |
| Kim Jong ILL | [[Long shot of a news anchor sitting at a desk. The North Korean flag is displayed behind him.]] / Anchor: Kim Jong-Il's absence at a parade celebrating sixty years of communist rule in the DPRK raises questions about the party leader's health. / [[Medium-close shot of a pundit, with Washington in the background.]] / Pundit #1: He's a TYRANT. He's a DESPOT. If he DID have a stroke, he just got what was COMING to him. / [[Closeup of another pundit yelling directly at the reader.]] / Pundit #2: Uhhh, the guy's probably DEAD. We gotta get in there, and, uh, nip this thing in the bud. I don't wanna be caught on the crapper when the nukes start flying. / [[Kim Jong-Il is sitting on a chaise lounge, holding a beer and watching TV.]] / TV: Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? We've got some work to do now... http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=449 |
| Whitman Sampled | [[Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino are reading files.]] / Caption: They took a case no one would touch. / DeNiro: I wish I could translate the hints about the dead young men and women. / Pacino: Not a single one over thirty yeras of age. / [[The two of them stare off panel right.]] / Caption: They got themselves in too deep -- with nowhere left to turn. / Pacino: What do you think has become of the women and children? / DeNiro: They are alive and well somewhere. / Pacino: It is just as lucky to die, and I know it. / [[Pacino faces the reader.]] / Caption: What would you do when the law's against you? How far would you go for revenge? / Pacino: I am the man! I suffer'd! I was THERE! / [[DeNiro faces the reader.]] / Caption: DeNIRO. PACINO. This Friday, your ass is grass -- and they're the mower. / DeNiro: DO I CONTRADICT MYSELF? / Black Panel: LEAVES OF GRASS // RATED R http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=450 |
| To Hell and Beyond | [[Charlie Weis sits at a press conference. Father Jenkins whispers into his ear.]] / Weis: TO HELL WITH MICHIGAN! / Jenkins (whispering): Charlie, don't use that word. It's not in keeping with our Catholic mission. / [[Weis stands on the 50 yard line of Notre Dame stadium, yelling downfield.]] / Weis: Are you #@%&#*% BLIND?! That was a #%@#*%* FALSE START, you %*#@*%* *%@*#@#! You can go #@%#* *%@#*%# @#*%#* with a %@#@&*#@%*@%#*%# #%*#% sausage gravy #%@#*%@*# and your mother, too! / [[Sitting in a box, Jenkins watches Weis through binoculars. A man with a headset and clipboard stands next to him.]] / Jenkins: What did he say? / Headset Guy: Well... he didn't say "hell." http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=451 |
| Deep-Seated Problems | [[Tim is approached by a guy with sideburns. Both of them are wearing the 2008 "The Shirt."]] / Sideburns Guy: Hey, you're in my seats. Wanna move it? / Tim: Oh, sorry, we must be in the wrong row. Those people are in our seats now. Would you mind moving down? / Sideburns Guy: Why don't YOU move down? / Tim: Our friends are in the row in front of us. We want to sit with them. / Sideburns Guy: These are MY seats! I don't hafta do JACK! / Tim: Hey, YOU'RE the one who's twenty minutes late! / Sideburns Guy: I don't care! I've got a crapload of people who / Tim: Can't we just relax and enjoy the / Sideburns Guy: You have NO RIGHT to / Tim: be REASONABLE here / Sideburns Guy: Holding up ALL THESE PEOPLE / Tim: Listen, if you'd just / Sideburns Guy: Get OUTTA here! / [[Tim walks away. Sideburns guy and his friends walk on-panel.]] / Tim: FINE! Take the damn seats. / [[It begins to rain. Sideburns Guy looks up.]] / Sideburns Guy: Ahhh, I don't wanna get wet. Let's leave. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=452 |
| Econocalypse | [[Bismark sits talking to a career advisor.]] / Bismark: It's just that with all the trouble on Wall Street, I'm worried I won't be able to get a job when I graduate. Who needs another business major? / Advisor: Lots of students come to me with the same concerns. It's not as bad as you think. You're a bright, motivated student at a top-tier university. And didn't you say you're a double major? / Bismark: Yeah. Anthropology. / Advisor: Oh, you're screwed. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=453 |
| Funny Business | [[Locke is sitting across the desk from Observer Editor-in-Chief Chris Hine. Locke is wearing a polo shirt and tie and presents Hine with what appears to be a Batman comic.]] / Locke: I'm here in reference to the ad you've been running for "Artists interested in designing a daily comic." I brought some samples of my art for you. / [[Hine looks at Locke's pages.]] / Hine: Yes. Yes, very well-designed. / Locke: My only concern is that I can't really write jokes. / Hine: That's okay. You don't need to be able to write to work for the Observer. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=454 |
| Mellow Submarine | [[A U.S. Coast Guard stands talking into a headset.]] / Coast Guard: Sir, we've intercepted a Columbian submarine carrying over six tons of cocaine. // That's right, sir. A drug-filled submarine. // No, sir, it's not a joke. // No, this isn't like the time we went saving Sgt. Pepper back in the U.S.S.R. / [[Another coast guard in the background wheels a pallet of cocaine bricks; it is shrink-wrapped and labeled "EVIDENCE // DO NOT EAT."]] / Coast Guard: We don't have a definite point of origin on the shipment, but we can work it out. My guess is either the Octopus's Garden or Strawberry Fields. They're both run by a druglord known as "The Walrus." He's been evading D.E.A. for years -- real nowhere man. // I'm dead serious, sir. / [[Yet another coast guard in the background escorts the Beatles, who are handcuffed.]] / Coast Guard: Well, we're towing the sub to port, but it's slow going. // Because she's so heavy, and we've gotta carry that weight. // What COLOR is the submarine? // I can't tell, sir. I'm colorblind. http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=455 |
| Hadn't'ron | [[Two researchers wearing "CERN" badges are talking. They stand next to a large lever marked "ON // OFF," set to "OFF."]] / Researcher #1: Schwartz, I've been thinking... what if the doomsayers are right? What if the Hadron Collider destroys the world? / Dr. Schwartz: Stephen Hawking says that can't happen. Are you saying you're smarter than Stephen Hawking? / Researcher #1: No, it's just that... Well, the physics is theoretical at this point. We don't KNOW that we won't suck the world into a black hole. / Dr. Schwartz: "Suck the world into a black hole?" You're worse than those reporters! Show some scientific rigor! It's perfectly safe. / [[Schwartz pulls the lever to "ON" with a < http://blackdogcomic.com/?p=456 |