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Irregular Webcomic! #961 [[scene: the main room of an inn in the town of Footcrag]] / Alvissa: Innkeeper! Three rooms for the night and five of your finest meals! / Lambert: I'll have five too! / / Lambert: So, what sort of food is the speciality of these parts, my friend? / Innkeeper: Stew. / / Lambert: Ah. Especially fine stew? / Innkeeper: It's got meat in it. / / Lambert: I see. Particularly choice cuts, no doubt? / Innkeeper: It used to be alive.
http://irregularwebcomic.net/961.html
Irregular Webcomic! #962 Prof. Jones: [[walking down a street in Kiev]] Kiev is a big city. How are we going to find Dr Smith? / / Monty: We check out all the hotels near the railway station. Smith may be a common name in the West, but it'll stick out like a sore thumb here. / / [caption]: [[hotel with sign]] Palast-Hotel. Welcome International Smith Convention
http://irregularwebcomic.net/962.html
Irregular Webcomic! #963 Spanners: Well, the aliens have completely eaten Paris' brain. There's no point delaying any further. I'm venting Serron's cabin to space. / / Serron: Wait! What if that's really me in there, and I'm the xenomorph?! / / [[silent beat]] / / Iki Piki: Vent away, Spanners. Only the real Serron could say something that stupid. / Serron: What if I'm tricking?!!
http://irregularwebcomic.net/963.html
Irregular Webcomic! #964 [[scene: The Death picket line, only all the Deaths have left except for the one in the fine top hat, who clings to a protest sign]] / Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs: Hey! Where is everyone? / Death of Inhaling Hatmaking Chemicals: They've all scarpered. / / Death of Inhaling Hatmaking Chemicals: What'choo don't realise is, as Deaffs, we 'ave to respond when someone karks it. We ain't got no free will, see? / / Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs: So why are you still here? / / Death of Inhaling Hatmaking Chemicals: When did'choo last 'ear o' someone dyin' from in'alin' 'atmakin' chemicals, guv?
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Irregular Webcomic! #965 [[scene: an anonymous swamp somewhere on Dagobah]] / Luke: I'm not looking for a friend. I'm looking for a Jedi Master. / / Loda: Oohhh. Jedi Master. Yoda. You seek Yoda. / / Luke: You know him? / / Loda: On other side of planet he is. His eighth cousin twice removed Loda I am. How you expect to find anyone if completely at random you land?
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Irregular Webcomic! #966 Mordekai: [[by the bar in the inn]] Mmmm... nothing like a cleansing ale after hard days on the road. / / Lambert: [[observing the large mug of ale on the bar by Mordekai]] What's that? / Mordekai: This, my friend, is a pint. / / Lambert: [[incredulous]] They come in pints? / / Mordekai: Er... of course. What size do hobbits usually drink? / Lambert: Gallons.
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Irregular Webcomic! #967 Marlowe: [[approaching Will's desk]] Shakespeare, office B down on level 2 has become free. You're next in line. / / Shakespeare: Thanks, Mr Marlowe, but isn't that the one near the photocopier? That's always really noisy? / / Marlowe: Look, do you want it or not? / / [caption]: This punchline blocked by PunGuard 2.1. Your best protection against hackneyed wordplay. Now with ClichéStopper.
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Irregular Webcomic! #968 [[scene: inside a zeppelin. The windows show a snowy landscape passing underneath]] / Erwin: I am still not convinced zeppelins filled with hydrogen are entirely safe, Herr Kolonel. / / Haken: Didn't you hear about die Luftwaffe officer who thought die same thing? He took a train from Berlin to Paris und died in an accident. / / Erwin: I had not heard this, Herr Kolonel! What happened to die train?! / / Haken: A flaming zeppelin crashed into it.
http://irregularwebcomic.net/968.html
Irregular Webcomic! #969 Spanners: Okay, Paris and the aliens have been spaced. They'll hit that star there in a few days. Farewell, Paris. From the stars we come, and to the stars we return. / / Serron: Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light
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Irregular Webcomic! #970 [[scene: Head Death's desk on the infinite featureless plane]] / Head Death: Ah, Fate Worse Than Death. I see you've realised the futility of your little revolt. / / Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs: You haven't won yet. As a Fate and not a Death, I can carry on alone. / / Head Death: I'm reinstating your position as Insanely Overpowered Fireballs. / Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs: Aha! I win! That's all I wanted! / / Head Death: And the salary...? / Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs: Oh. Sod.
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Irregular Webcomic! #971 Captain Spatula: To the crime scene! / / [[The Worm Mobile racing through traffic. As usual, mayhem follows in their wake: a citizen's car has swerved and destroyed a fire hydrant.]] / / Policeman: [[at the crime scene, where dead fish lie scattered around a broken armoured car]] Well it's about time you guys showed up. / Refractive Man: Give us a break. We're superheroes, not paparazzi.
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Irregular Webcomic! #972 Alvissa: Now guys, don't drink too much. Remember what happened last time. / Kyros: Actually, we don't. / / Farmer: [[bursting into the tavern with news]] The apple harvest is in! A bumper crop! / Innkeeper: Cider and apple brandy all round, on the house! / / Alvissa: Why are you doing this? / / GM: Inevitability is so much more fun when you help it along.
http://irregularwebcomic.net/972.html
Irregular Webcomic! #973 [[scene: inside the Palast-Hotel, at the reception desk]] / Monty: We're looking for a Dr Smith... / / Hotel Clerk: In Kiev every hotel with Smiths booked solid! / / Minnesota Jones: We'll never find her hanging around here. She could be anywhere in this vast, teeming metropolis, if she hasn't already skipped town. / / Ginny: [[spotting them from a concealed spot across the lobby, behind a potted palm]] The Joneses!
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Irregular Webcomic! #974 Me: [[looking at a graph on computer screen]] Hmmm, this is interesting. / / Me: A histogram of the distribution of annual number of deaths due to improperly prepared fugu in Japan. / / Me: Interesting stats, but I don't understand why people would risk eating such a dangerous food. / / Me: I guess one man's fish is another man's poisson.
http://irregularwebcomic.net/974.html
Irregular Webcomic! #975 Iki Piki: Okay, forget technology. Is there some way we can travel to the afterlife to bring Paris back? / / Spanners: No, anything but that. The very idea fills me with dread. / / Iki Piki: Why? / / Spanners: It's just too Orpheal to consider.
http://irregularwebcomic.net/975.html
 
Irregular Webcomic! #976 Head Death: Now think about what you have wrought. The horribly mutilated, the starving, the terminally ill, all caught in incredible and unending pain. / / Head Death: [[standing up from his seat at his desk]] Gangsters, insurgents, terrorists, and mass murderers getting up from fatal wounds to endlessly continue pointless bloodshed. / Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs: But... / / Head Death: [[walking around to Fireballs]] PERPETUATING NEEDLESS SUFFERING AND LOSS OF LIFE BECAUSE YOU DELAYED THE DEATHS ON A PICKET LINE. / Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs: [[disconsolately]] Yes, sir... / / Head Death: [[placing hand on Fireballs' shoulder]] Keep up the good work.
http://irregularwebcomic.net/976.html
Irregular Webcomic! #977 [[scene: some sort of dungeon, with stone floor and walls]] / Mordekai: Ooh, my aching head.... Wh... where are we? / / Draak: We all drink much free booze and now we... / Lambert: ... are in some sort of dungeon? / / Kyros: Nothing to worry about. We've been in worse situations than this. / Mordekai: Right! / / Lambert: Hey, where's Alvissa?... / Mordekai: Oh. We're screwed.
http://irregularwebcomic.net/977.html
Irregular Webcomic! #978 [sound]: Knock! Knock! / / Steve: Crikey! D'you know how late it is? / / Charity Collector Guy: No, I'm collecting for people who don't know how to tell the time. / / Steve: Come back in the morning! / Charity Collector Guy: When's that?
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Irregular Webcomic! #979 Monty: [[to Palast-Hotel reception clerk]] Wait a minute. What about Hvorostovsky? / Hotel Clerk: Dr Hvorostovsky we have. Room 203. / / Prof. Jones: Let's go wait for her in her room. / / Monty: Not in the lobby restaurant, dad? / / Prof. Jones: [[walking off to the lifts]] Room service, Junior. And it'll go on Dr Smith's bill! / Minnesota Jones: [[to Monty]] You have much to learn, boy.
http://irregularwebcomic.net/979.html
Irregular Webcomic! #980 Jamie: Adam, you should rest, after an experience like that. / / Jamie: Where are you going?! / Adam: Just something I have to take care of. / / [[Adam walks over to a sign on the wall which says "Nothing is certain but Death and Taxes"]] / / Adam: [[crossing off "Death"]] Myth busted!
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Irregular Webcomic! #981 Iki Piki: Incoming e-mail. Hmmm... notice of a CyberSpace(TM) 7.1 software patch. / / [e-mail]: Dear CyberSpace 7.1 customer, Release 7.1 contained a bug that resulted in the consumption of several hundred petabytes of memory cube space under certain circumstances. This memory was used to temporarily store a full mindscan of anyone killed while in cyberspace, to allow a virtual reality simulation of them. However, this memory was not released on exiting cyberspace. This patch fixes the resulting storage leak by deleting all temp files. / / Iki Piki: Um... Spanners...
http://irregularwebcomic.net/981.html
Irregular Webcomic! #982 Refractive Man: [[peering intently at a large flake of brown material]] My refractometric vision indicates this is cockroach chitin. / Captain Spatula: [[examining a dead fish ]]This fish was last flipped over at Johnson's Seafod Mart - the Hippo's old haunt. / Worm Master: [[concentrating]] Sea Dog's nematode parasites tell me he's near radiation. / Dino Boy: I've picked up the scent. They headed west! [[pointing west]] / / GM: [[incredulous]] When did you guys become competent?
http://irregularwebcomic.net/982.html
Irregular Webcomic! #983 Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs: [[defiantly to the Head Death]] You may have won this battle, sir, but the war for Deaths' rights has barely begun. / / Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs: I may once again be compelled to collect souls when they are ready... / / Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs: ... but until an insanely overpowered fireball goes off, I'm free to continue my campaign! / / [[scene change: the Mythbusters workshop]] / Jamie: Well, adding pineapple to this gelatin dessert was pretty boring. Let's try it with thirty sticks of dynamite! / Adam: Yeah!
http://irregularwebcomic.net/983.html
Irregular Webcomic! #984 GM: You're in a 20 foot by 20 foot stone room. A stout oaken door banded with iron affords the only visible egress. / / Kyros: He's dropped us into a commercial dungeon adventure. No GM makes up a sentence like that on the spot. / / GM: You know, it really hurts when I put all this effort into an adventure, and you think I've just taken it from somewhere else. Now, where was I...? / / GM: As you approach the door, an imp appears. "Hello, INSERT NAME. To pass, you must solve my puzzle. SEE HANDOUT 1 ON PAGE 17."
http://irregularwebcomic.net/984.html
Irregular Webcomic! #985 [[scene: The lobby of the Palast-Hotel in Kiev]] / Ginny: Curses! They're going to break into my room. Fortunately I have the orichalcum with me. / / Ginny: This makes it imperative that I get out of Kiev and back to Moscow as soon as possible. / / Ginny: But all transport links are cut by the weather. Still, better here on the plains of Ukraine than in Athens. / / Ginny: At least it's a steppe in the right direction.
http://irregularwebcomic.net/985.html
 
Irregular Webcomic! #986 Nigerian Finance Bureaucrat: Finance Minister! Visa and MasterCard just called. They said we have just the expertise they need! / / Nigerian Finance Minister: This is a proud moment for Nigeria! What do they want? / / Nigerian Finance Bureaucrat: Their computers crashed and lost all their customer data. They need to verify everyone's credit card numbers! / / Nigerian Finance Minister: They expect us to trust them with our data?
http://irregularwebcomic.net/986.html
Irregular Webcomic! #987 [[scene: Head Death's desk]] / Paris: So uploading this mindscan into a clone of me will work? I'll return to life? / Head Death: YES. / / Paris: What about the philosophical implications? My existence here in the afterlife is evidence of a non-material soul, independent of my body. / / Paris: Even if recreated to a submolecular level, with memories intact, will the new body be me? Will this soul return to inhabit it? / / Head Death: YES. WE DO IT THAT WAY TO AVOID HAVING TO PHOTOCOPY YOUR FILES.
http://irregularwebcomic.net/987.html
Irregular Webcomic! #988 Ophelia: Mercutio, I need a word with you about the comments in the production source code. / / Ophelia: This is being released to clients. These swear words all through it are unacceptable. "Workaround needed because Windows is a piece of..." / / [[Will walks by and overhears the conversation]] / Mercutio: Oh that's not fair! Linux code comments are liberally sprinkled with profanity. Everyone does it! / / Shakespeare: [[stopping to comment]] Open sauce, huh?
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Irregular Webcomic! #989 Marcus: Eheu! / Julius: Quid est, Marce? / / Marcus: My mobile phone bill is astronomical, and I've no idea why! / Julius: Well... where have you been lately? / / Marcus: Hmm. Florentia, Octodurum, Lugdunum, Massilia, Burdigala, Mediolanum, Lutetia, Durocorturum, Londinium... / / Julius: Ah. You haven't been paying attention to the Roman charges, have you?
http://irregularwebcomic.net/989.html
Irregular Webcomic! #990 [[scene: Second floor corridor of the Palast-Hotel, Kiev.]] / Minnesota Jones: Room 203. Now, if we can just break in. / / Prof. Jones: Let me try. Back when I knew Houdini, we used to do this sort of thing all the time. / / Monty: You knew Harry Houdini?! / / Prof. Jones: No, John Houdini, my college room-mate. We used to visit the girls dorms at night...
http://irregularwebcomic.net/990.html
 

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