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| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman #1: "My Bobby knew Spanish by age three."
/ Woman #2: "My Susie knew Mandarin by age two."
/ Woman #1: "My Bobby knew Calculus by age two."
/ Woman #2: "My Susie knew quantum physics by..." / Caption: The argument went on so long, we both forgot that children need feeding every three days or so. / In... http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=903#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "In about 30 seconds, I'm going to tell you your mother died. But don't worry, I've banal pleasantries to ease you into the moment."
/ Woman: "Wait, my mother-
/ Man: "Nice weather we're having today."
/ Woman: "Seriously though, my-"
/ Man: "NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING TODAY." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=904#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Boy #1: "I'm having a sandwich right now.
/ Boy #2: "Uh...okay."
/ Boy #1: "HA! It's actually PIZZA, sucker!" / Caption: Think this is a lousy prank call?
/ You won't after the 48th time. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=905#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ Couple looks at a tombstone with an etching of a young man on it ] / Man: "Ugh. Those graces with photo-etchings always use really old photos. When I go, I want my grave to show how I looked at the time I died."
/ Woman: "Yeah...hey, are those cows stampeding?" / [ Woman looks at a tombstone with... http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=906#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "I am not allowing our son to be exposed to cartoon violence!"
/ Woman: "Oh yeah?!" / [ Man breaks the head off of his wife as she reaches in and grabs his heart as their son looks on. ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=907#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ Teacher points to a chalkboard that has a picture of a dog with arrows pointing to hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen. On the desk in front of him is a flame, ashes, and a collar. ] / Caption: I don't think Mr. Silber understood the point of Take Your Pet to School Day. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=908#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Concern
/ [ Man points to a slide that reads, "video games: violence - no consequence." ] / Header: Response
/ [ Man #2 points to a slide that reads, "video games: violence - like, 50 points!" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=909#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Parenting Tip:
/ "Children are Stupid!" / Mom: "Sweetie, the craziest thing happened! Your dachshund metamorphosed into this beagle!"
/ Son: "W-when?"
/ Mom: "Right after I ran over a...pile of ketchup...and bones...and dachshund fur." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=910#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | God: "Okay so here's the rules - if you confess right before you die, you get to go to heaven. But, if you don't make it to confession before then, you go to hell!" / Caption: God also enjoys Freeze Tag and Hopscotch. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=911#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Dad: "Son, are you on drugs?"
/ Son: "N-no, daddy."
/ Dad: "Because I would REALLY like to confiscate them tonight. Even just some weed." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=912#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Comedy secrets!
/ Observational humor only works if people can relate / Man: "Don't you hate it when you're chewing on a sleeping child's face and you get a hair in your teeth?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=913#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Marketing Secrets!
/ Get products to your future audience early / Voice from inside an orphanage: "Who wants Xanax?!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=914#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A doctor hides in his office with a sign that reads, "No girls allowed." ] / Caption: My obstetrician isn't taking divorce very well. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=915#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | James Bond: "I dunno...it smells pretty bad, so , you know. That's unpleasant."
/ Villain: "Hmm..." / Caption: Note for next shark tank: Use more water. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=916#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Okay! Okay! I'll marry you!" / Caption: "Just stop eating my guns." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=917#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Wooh! Smashed another skunk!" / Header: 5 minutes ago / Woman: "I think we should see other people." / Header: 10 minutes earlier / Woman: "I need to talk to you about something. Would you mind driving my car?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=918#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A professor points to a slide of a cat with arrows labeling "outside part" and "inside part." ] / Caption: Whenever a student asks something stupid, Professor Oppenheimer shows the cat slide. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=919#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Come on! I'd be great with the kids! Look, your husband is dead, okay? So - oh...woops...God, I'm sorry." / Caption: Ted had just realized he was standing on my daughter. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=920#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Man, I'd really like to shoot a guy...hey, there's a guy right now!" / Caption: "I believe I was a victim of circumstance, your honor." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=921#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Policeman: "You're suspending me?! Talk about a double standard!" / Caption: Apparently I'm not allowed to sleep with the chief's wife. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=922#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Saint Peter: "Welcome to heaven. Would you like to spend eternity with the woman you married or your true soulmate?"
/ Man: "WHAT?! How can you make me choose one or the other?" / Caption: My whole life I had assumed there were threesomes in Heaven. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=923#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "We're concerned that the phrase 'conclusive DNA evidence' might bias the jury. We would prefer the prosecution say 'mayyyyyyyyybe,' followed by a meaningful wink." / Caption: "Also, instead of 'stabbing,' we would prefer 'knife donation.'" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=924#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Woah, woah, woah! I didn't get my massive trust fund by giving away money to lowlifes!" / Caption: Technically, this was true. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=925#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Oh, you're a paranoid schizophrenic? That's fascinating."
/ Man: "Yes. I protect my brain by wearing the skulls of people who are servants of Melkar, the Hivemaster."
/ Woman: "What a coincidence! I'M a servant of Melkar, the Hivemaster!" / Caption: "Anyway, officer, that's how I remember the... http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=926#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "YEAH! Jar of cat heads! First date! What are you gonna do about it?!" / Caption: I try to find creative ways to compensate for my shyness. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=927#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "We can consolidate all three of your kids into a single, more manageable uber-child!" / Caption: The duct tape man was really reaching for that sale. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=928#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Blee, bloo, blagh! I'm Magellan! Blagh! Yahahahahaha!" / Caption: I like to think of myself as something of a latter-day Magellan. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=929#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: [ pointing to a slide indicating his net worth is $560,000,000 ] "That's my net worth, folks. But do I call that success in LIFE? Of course not! What does it mean to be truly successful? Just ask my wife and kids." / Header: That evening... / [ Man's family looks angry as the son points to a slide... http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=930#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Therapist: "For our first session, Cynthia, I'd like you to say something comforting to Steven."
/ Woman: "Oh...okay, sure. Uh, hey, you know what I really love? Premature ejaculation." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=931#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Dating Tips:
/ Try not to make your inadequacies too overt. / Man: "And that constellation is ALSO called "I'm so lonely. Please love me." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=932#comic |
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