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| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Teacher: "And how'd the interview with your daddy go?"
/ Girl: "Great, Ms. Becker!" / Header: Earlier
/ Girl: "Daddy! For homework I need-"
/ Dad: "F**k it!" / [ Teacher reads the girl's homework and looks stunned ] / [ Pull back to show that the paper asks "What would you do with this puppy dog?" and the answer is "F**k it" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1659#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A clown honks a horn ] / Caption: The worst part about sex with a clown is the orgasm. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1660#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Son: "Daddy, I have this...friend, and, he's real nice, but he spends half his time running around the playground, kicking kids in the shins and mashing dirt in their faces." / Caption:
/ Best Possible Fathering:
/ "Focus on your studies and don't make pals with kids like that." / Worst Possible Fathering:
/ "I'm not your friend, son." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1661#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Robot: "Master, do I have a soul?" / Scientist: "Yes. When you were first created, you did not. But, once you gain awareness, the universe endows you with a soul, regardless of your makeup." / Robot: "Why...why do I feel like we have this conversation..."
/ Scientist: "About every three years?" / [ The scientist turns on a machine ] / [ Something is ripped away from the robot into the machine ] / [ The machine is a Soul Harvester ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1662#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ Sperm move towards an egg ] / Sperm #1: "Stop! You don't want to impregnate that egg! Sure, it's what you're told you want, but you'll lose your individuality!" / Sperm #2: "Technically, I would combine my individuality with another individual the Ship of Theseus problem tells us life is not a singular experience, but an ongoing flux of experiences." / Sperm #1: "Well, we should define "experience" vis-a-vis sensory input, and the possibility of intuitive understanding." / Student: "Professor, how come philosophers never have philosopher kids?" / Professor: "Well..." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1663#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Kid #1: "I got brisket!"
/ Kid #2: "Mmm! I got sirloin!"
/ Kid #3: "Blech. Liver again." / Caption: After church, we would suck on the Eucharist until it turned into Jesus. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1664#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Daughter: "Daddy, what's a bagina?"
/ Dad: "A bagina? I've never heard of that."
/ Daughter: "Mommy says it's a thing all girls have, but only share with boys they love and have married." / Dad: "No one ever informed me." / Dad (to Mom): "You've been holding out!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1665#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ An electron travels at high energy ] / [ Although you envision a particle, it is, in fact, a probability distribution. ] / [ A classical particle reflects off a barrier, but Quantum Mechanics tells us there is some probability it will penetrate. ] / [ So, there is a small but real probability- ]
/ Man: "Another man's sperm can't quantum tunnel into your uterus."
/ [ Well, probabilistically- ]
/ Man: "I'm a mathematician."
/ [ Have I talked to you about Multiverse Theory? ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1666#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Scientist #1: "We need to make terminology more accessible."
/ Scientist #2: "What for?"
/ Scientist #3: "Well, for example, you never see a kid reading an ecology text with a smile on her face."
/ Scientist #2: "Yeah, that's a fair point." / Caption: Laugh if you must, but biology is a lot more fun since we changed "mate" to "bonerize." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1667#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Aliens: "Humans! You have ten minutes until we destroy the Earth. You have that much time to make peace with your God, say goodbye to loved ones, or whichever activities you find most pleasurable." / [ Spaceships shoot lasers at Earth ] / Man: "And, in a surprising turn of events, Altarian lasers are apparently reflected by the combination of sex lube and fried cheese." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1668#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "My Fuhrer...if they really controlled the world's wealth, wouldn't they have bigger hats?"
/ Hitler: "My god..." / Caption: Shortly before Hitler's suicide. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1669#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Boy: "Father, this book is full of gaps. For one thing, if God is all good and all powerful, why is there suffering?" / Priest: "Human understanding on that point is imperfect."
/ Boy: "Right. So shouldn't we teach the controversy? For example, the scientific view." / [ The boy shows a piece of paper that reads "Nature doesn't care about humans," "humans are dicks to each other," and "QED suffering" ] / Priest: "This is because of my sermon of teaching theodicy in biology class."
/ Boy: "Yup." / Priest: "Okay, fair. But why'd you have to bring it up in the middle of church?" / [ They boy points to his piece of paper ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1670#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ People look up at the moon, which reads "human r gay!!" ] / Caption: Never should've let the Altarians run ads on the moon. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1671#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Professor: "'Why' is outside the domain of science. Science seeks only to answer 'how' and 'what.' If you want answers to 'why,' go take a philosophy class!" / Caption: Professor Beiser gave a brief Q&A as to his experiments on bears flying jetpacks. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1672#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Great idea:Everyone selects two costume ideas from a list, and attends the Halloween party as a combination thereof.
/ [ people gather around a list of costume ideas ] / Header: Bad outcome
/ Man: "Did anyone not come as Frankenpervert?
/ [ everyone stands around in S&M versions of Frankenstein ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1673#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Alien #1: "What was here?"
/ Alien #2: "A planet called 'Earth.' It was destroyed by an asteroid."
/ Alien #1: "Was there a civilization?"
/ Alien #2: "Yes, but only one artifact was ever recovered." / Caption:
/ [ A photobooth printout of pictures:
/ Man and woman smiling
/ Man and woman looking shocked
/ Man grabbing woman's breast as she gets angry
/ Explosion ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1674#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Great Practical Joke #342:
/ Get millions of horror movie nerds to watch a romantic comedy / Woman: "Steve! I know you're a zombie, but I also know deep down, you remember me your high school sweetheart...don't you?" / Zombie: "Wait, wait...you're right. Sorry about trying to eat you. We should date." / Zombie: "I mean, we're both brilliant accountants-"
/ Woman: "Who've never been able to-"
/ Zombie and Woman: "Account for love." / [ Three nerds in the movie theater audience look horrified ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1675#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "The book goes on so long nobody finishes it, but since nobody finishes it, nobody can claim it goes on so long." / Caption: Professor Henderson explains the idea of "Catch-22." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1676#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Voice #1: "Then the machine makes a duplicate of you in a far away location. So, it's basically like lightspeed travel."
/ Voice #2: "But...to avoid having two of my doesn't one have to die?" / Scientist: "After the transport, we figure out which one is more ambivalent about that problem and let him survive." / Scientist: "Over time, small transmission errors accumulate, resulting in individuals who aren't interested in the problem at all." / Man: "Aren't you worried you're evolving a race of sociopaths who care more about rapid transportation than human lives?" / Scientist: "We prefer 'engineers' SIR." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1677#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Jesus: "If your neighbor strikes you, turn the other cheek. Then, your neighbor feels like a total dick." / Caption: Jesus' oft-forgotten sermon on passive-aggression. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1678#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "M'lord, you have a fatness of ye arse." / [ The man is in a guillotine ] / Header: Modern doctors:
/ Doctor: "Mr. Prime Minister, you have acute steatopygia." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1679#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A black hand and a white hand are shaking each other ]
/ Man #1: "Let's call it 'Peace Through Cooperation.'"
/ Man #2: "Don't change my art!" / Caption: Then again, it flows a bit better than "Stop Cheating at Arm Wrestling, Whitey." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1680#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man #1: "How'd you lose your eyes?"
/ Man #2: "In the war, Old Timer. In that absurd war."
/ Man #1: "Of course...what a senseless, senseless war." / Caption: War Against Eyes: 2031-2036 A.D. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1681#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Now, he may claim otherwise, but every boy's desire is to return to a soft warm womb. That's why I made this zip-up sleeping bag designed to look just like mommy." / Caption: Practical Joke of the Year:
/ Convincing your friends you're a child psychologist. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1682#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "In our effort to sell products to male Internet users, we programmed sexier and sexier fake online women with smarter and smarter A.I." / Man: "Eventually they got so smart, they gained sentience." / Man: "We thought they would destroy us, but it turns out they were so attracted to each other that they just have constant virtual sex." / Man: "So...in the end everything worked out..." / Man: "Oh...yeah...except email sucks now." / [ an arrow clicks the "Send" button ] / [ Screen reads "mail returned due to non-stop orgy you can't possibly participate in." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1683#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "I'm gonna wear you like a coat! Like a...what the-"
/ [ Man tries to stab another man in the face, but the knife breaks ] / Caption: It was the most awkward possible way to find out your roommate is Superman. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1684#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "You're thinking about it? You don't get anywhere by thinking about it. I didn't get this job at the suicide hotline by thinking about applying." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1685#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Never date a scientist / Man: "Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips once more before the asteroid destroys Earth."
/ Woman: "Technically, that's a meteorite." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1686#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Pick-up Line Strategy:
/ Subtlety is Key / Man: "Excuse me, ma'am - does this penis feel weird to you?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1687#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "I can't imagine life without him-"
/ Man: "Boom! B-1! It's all over, baby! Wooh!" / Caption: My new favorite game: Funeral Bingo. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1688#comic |
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