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| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Mom, family photos are stupid! I'm a vampire! I don't photograph!"
/ Mom: "Well you should've thought of that before you were bitten! Now put on your suit and let's go!" / [ The man looks mad ] / Man: "Fine." / [ The mom, dad, and the little sister are in a picture with a suit and a penis taped to an invisible face ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1870#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Jesus decided to turn water into wine.
/ [ People stand and gawk at Jesus ] / Header: The water's hydrogen atoms fused to form the carbon rings in wine.
/ [ Hydrogen atoms converge ] / Header: The resulting explosion destroyed everything for hundreds of miles.
/ [ Jesus stands in the middle of an explosion ] / Header: But...he got things better on the second try.
/ Jesus: "Behold! I am Jesus! King of the...Jews."
/ [ he holds a card that has "Atlantians" crossed off and "Jews" written underneath ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1871#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: If math class were like English class
/ [ A paper reads, "4) What is the square root of 64?" and "Square rooting is a multifaceted process that has been used in myriad times, eras and epochs. It has its "roots" in..." ] / Header: If English class were like math class / [ A paper reads," 2) Why did Captain Ahab hunt Moby-Dick?" and "Book said so. Q. E. D." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1872#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header:
/ B = 1/3 = bugs encountered per kilometer by a moving vehicle with a one square meter forward surface (units = bugs/km x m^2) / S = 1/3 = forward surface area of Superman (units = m^2) / D = 5500 = distance from Fortress of Solitude to Metropolis (units = km) / B x S x D = what Superman actually looks like when he saves you / Superman (covered in dead bugs): "I'm here to help!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1873#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Boy: "Grampa, what's the difference between love and lust?" / Grandpa: "True love is like finding a perfect unicorn, with its alabaster coat glistening in an autumn sunrise, waiting there just to be with you." / [ The boy smiles ] / Grandpa: "Lust is basically the same, only you get to f**k the unicorn." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1874#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Confession Tip: Use statistics / Woman: "Mom! Dad! Did you know that, in your immediate area, teen pregnancy may be as high as 100 percent?!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1875#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Alien: "Our Zorblaxian porno is far advanced of yours! We have 19 orifices, each more taboo than the last!"
/ Woman: "What's the 19th?" / [ The alien looks nervous ] / Alien (whispering in her ear): "The same place babies come from." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1876#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Mom: "So you see, it's like a flower."
/ [ She shows her daughter a book named "Your Body" ] / Header: Later...
/ [ The daughter looks unsettled as she watches a bee pollinate a flower ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1877#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Cool.
/ Man: "Booya! Just joined the mile high club!" / Header: Less cool.
/ Man: "Booya! Just joined the mile highsturbation club!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1878#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man #1: "So...if a perfect duplicate of you is made, can you ever define in a meaningful sense which is the clone and which the original?" / Man #2: "Yep. Clone's the second one." / Man #1: "Right, but they're the same, atom for atom." / Man #2: "Yeah, 'cause the second one's a clone." / Man #1: "But who's to say which came first?" / Man #2: "The guy who came first." / [ Man #1 looks angry ] / Man #2: "Man, that was easy. You guys have any harder ones?" / Header: Later...
/ Man #3: "...and engineers are now officially banned from all future philosophy conferences." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1879#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man #1: "David! You have slain Goliath! Incredible!" / David: "Well, not really...I slung a rock through his head." / Man #2: "Yeah...buuuut...he was really really big!" / David: "Right, but...again, it was a rock through a guy's head. There's not really much of a story. He-" / Man #2: "It was the hand of God!"
/ Man #1: "I saw it!"
/ Man #3: "He shall be our king!" / Header: Later...
/ Boy: "Rabbi...why did God cease doing miracles 2,000 years ago?"
/ Rabbi: "That is an unknowable mystery!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1880#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Daughter: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" / Header: Earlier...
/ Dad: "It's a thing that happens to mommies who misbehave all night. But, it can be scared away by screaming." / Header: Earlier...
/ Daughter: "Daddy, what's a hangover?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1881#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Dad: "Hello, son. I know what you're here for. But BEWARE...of the 20,000 videos hidden on this drive...one is of your mother. So, good luck...if you dare! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" / Caption: Life was better when fathers hid porno under the mattress. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1882#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Boy Toys
/ Voice: "It's Mechablox!"
/ Boy: "What's it do?"
/ Voice: 'Be arranged in literally infinite ways, then hooked to a computer and remote control!" / Header: Girl Toys
/ Voice: It's a doll!"
/ Girl: "What's it do?"
/ Voice: "Be a doll!" / Header: Subsequently...
/ Man: "Why are there so few girl engineers?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1883#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Predicted Dystopia
/ Man: "The government controls all information. We've been forced into hiding. Books have been memorized so that they don't perish from the Earth." / Header: More Likely Dystopia
/ Woman: "Sorry, we don't carry that. All writing slowly morphed into self help books."
/ Man #2: "No Shakespeare?"
/ Woman: "We only have 'unleash your inner Shakespeare." / [ Man #2 looks upset ] / Woman: "You might also enjoy this book of trite decontextualized Elizabethan quotes." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1884#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A graph with x-axis labeled "time" and a y-axis labeled "brutality of rite of manhood rituals" has an upward-sloping curve with "bar mitzvah" at the bottom, "hang your body on hooks until you pass out from pain" in the middle, and "pretend to like baseball for 80 years" at the top ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1885#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Sanity Tips:
/ Try misremembering moments from high school as if they weren't horribly awkward / Man: "My darling...might this post-prom hug be made more enjoyable by the addition of an unintentional erection?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1886#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Professor Thorne realized time travel is possible in this universe.
/ [ A man stands in front of a board that is littered with equations ] / Header: But he wondered where all the time travelers were.
/ [ We see his silhouette ] / Header: So Professor Thorne threw the most perfect party in history.
/ [ He stands under streamers with a party hat on his head and nacho cheese and beer on the table ] / Header: Sure enough, they began to show up.
/ [ Various creatures enter the room through the walls ] / Header: In fact, everyone who ever figured out time travel showed up.
/ [ He looks at all of the creatures ] / Header: They showed up so fast, the party couldn't hold them.
/ [ The apartment door bulges ] / Header: The crush of people was so dense, it became a black hole.
/ [ The Earth starts imploding and pulling in the moon ] / Header: Time travel is no longer possible in this universe.
/ [ blackness ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1887#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Entity: "Hi...I'm the idea of being in love. I'm gonna help you get this girl for a while, but later she'll realize she was only in love with me." / Man: "That's...that's so sad..."
/ Entity: "Pfft. She's got in worse." / Entity #2 (behind the girl): "Hi...I'm the idea that you're slutty." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1888#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Of course God exists!"
/ Man: "How do you know?"
/ Woman: "You'd have to be a thinking asshole to make this universe." / God: "It's a universe that obeys physical laws, but it's impossible to prove anything true objectively!"
/ Angel: "HAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, first year philosophy students must be UNBEARABLE!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1889#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: There once was an ugly duckling
/ [ a duck has buck teeth, glasses, and lots of curly red hair ] / Header: All the other ducks laughed at him
/ [ the duck looks sad as three other ducks laugh at him ] / Header: But as he grew...a wondrous thing happened
/ [ a silhouette appears as a swan ] / Header: The ugly duckling learned to program
/ [ the ugly duck looks at a computer screen as he programs for Swan Porn Co, ] / Header: Now the ducks who laughed make him coffee
/ Duck: "Guess that communication degree doesn't help you recall I said TWO creams!" / Grandpa: "So the ugly duckling got to be a dick to everyone, and they put up with it because he's rich."
/ Grandson: "Even his trophy wife?"
/ Grandpa: "Especially his trophy wife." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1890#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The Difference / Header: Wise Man
/ Woman: "Tell me who you're cheating on me with!"
/ Man: "Sally! But she means nothing to me!" / Header: Educated Man
/ Woman: "Tell me who you're cheating on me with!"
/ Man: "WHOM." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1891#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "What the...where am...oh, hey, awesome! Who are you?" / Caption: This is the worst part of marrying a man with anterograde amnesia. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1892#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Citizens...I have a confession to make...the space bridge to Mars was not designed to serve any scientific or economic purpose." / Man: "Along with the massive cones and the space-billboard, it formed one third of a plan to make Earth look as awesome as possible." / Woman: "This is insane!" / Man #2: "No amount of awesomeness could justify that expense!" / Man: "I believe you'll change your mind...as Earth shifts its orbit..." / [ the space bridge stretches out to hit Venus and the billboard reads "Eat it Venus!" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1893#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Normal Person
/ Man: "I...I think I ran over your cat in your driveway." / Header: Doctor
/ Doctor: "Your driveway now contains both exo-cat and endo-cat." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1894#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ Two ships approach each other ] / Man: "Hast seen the white whaaaaaaale?" / Man #2: "Yes! Killed him!" / Man: "Ah, that's too ba-wait, what?" / Man #2: "Yep! I was mad at it for eating my leg, so we set sail last week. Then today, I saw him and stabbed him." / Man: "Oh...did...did it feel good?" / Man #2: "You know, I was worried pursuing vengeance on an unthinking seabeast would prove meaningless and existentially shattering. But honestly I feel great!" / Man: "So...there wasn't an abyss of meaning-" / Man #2: "Whale-hat party!" / [ Man looks forlorn ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1897#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "I don't get it. It's just a guy staring at a computer for twenty seconds."
/ Man #2: "That's a time-lapse video of two weeks."
/ Man: "My...God..." / Caption: There is a reason movies never portray hacking realistically. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1898#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: "The Prisoner's Dilemma" is a concept from the Field of Game Theory.
/ Imagine two perfectly rational prisoners who don't know what the other is doing.
/ Each can rat our the other or remain silent, resulting in 4 possible outcomes:
/ [ A chart has prisoner 1 on the left and prisoner 2 on the top. The first column says "rat out" and the second "remain silent." The first row says "rat out" and the second "remain silent." If they both rat out, both get 1 year (A). If prisoner 1 rats out and prisoner 2 remains silent, then 1 goes free and 2 gets 5 years (B). If 2 rats out 1 while 1 remains silent, 2 goes free and 1 gets 5 years (C). If both remain silent, they both get six months (D). ] / If you squeal, you get either 1 or 0 years. If you keep mum, it's 5 or 0.5 years. / So, even though (D) is the best choice, the "perfectly rational" people pick (A)! / The dilemma can be applied to morality / Header: Do unto other as you...
/ [ A chart has 1 on the left and 2 on the top. The first column says "like" and the second "would have them do unto you." The first row says "like" and the second "would have them do unto you." If 1 and 2 both do unto others as they like, then it's bad for all (A). If 1 does what he likes and 2 would do unto others as he would have them do unto him, then it's great for 1 and horrible for 2 (B). If 2 does what he likes and 1 would do unto others as he would have them do unto him, then it's great for 2 and horrible for 1 (C). If both do unto others as they would have them done unto them, it's good for all (D). ] / The great ethicists of history share essentially one goal: get strangers to always pick (D). / ...some did better than others... / Bentham: "The greatest felicity for all is here! Eh? Come on! Maximize your felicity in square D! Wooh!" / Christ: "A is made of fire!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1899#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ Two angels look serious at God. ] / [ Two angels smile at God. ] / [ Two angels grin widely at God. ] / Caption: God creates... / A) Physics
/ B) Life
/ C) Testicles http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1900#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ The Sunset Gardens Elder Care Center ] / Man: "The reason you get no new enrollment here is that your tenants look like they're sitting around waiting for death." / Man: "We recommend a complete overhaul of facilities, staff, and workflow." / Woman: "Uh...well...we were hoping..." / Man: "Hahahaha! Just kidding we have a marketing solution. / [ The building now has a banner that reads "This week only! Sitting around waiting for death WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1901#comic |
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