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Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man: "Honey! Where have you been for two hours?" / Woman: "Did you know that when you conceive a baby in China, it comes out Chinese?" / Man: "What? That's dumb." / Woman: "Bet you $1,000 it does." / Caption: Nine months later, I found myself in a win-win situation.
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1993#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man: "I don't believe events can be causally connected. All we have are correlations which are by nature subjective." / [ Man #2 holds a gun and looks angry ] / [ Man #2 turns off the lights ] / [ There's a loud "BANG" ] / Man (shot in the shoulder): WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!" / Man #2: "Oh my God!" / Man #2: "What'd the darkness do to your arm?"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1994#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: Considered sensible / Man: "I can't paint." / Woman: "Have you ever practiced?" / Man: "I'm not creative." / Header: Considered sensible / Woman #2: "I can't do calculus." / Man #2: "Have you ever opened a calculus book?" / Woman #2: "I don't have the knack." / Header: Considered crazy / Man #3: "I can't walk." / Woman #3: "Have you tried standing on two legs and moving them back and forth?" / Man #3: "Oh, like it's THAT easy."
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1995#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Woman: "There's enough energy stored here to power 60,000 homes for 3 years!" / Caption: Fun Fact: / Environmentalists make "yo mama so fat" jokes too.
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1996#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Boy: "I made an algorithm that converts images to only two colors." / Boy #2: "Give it to me." / Boy: "Why?" / Boy #2: "My parents are colorblind." / Boy: "I understand." / Header: Soon... / Mom: "I found a folder marked "XXX," but it's just thousands of videos of a green screen." / Dad: "You mean a red screen." / Mom: "No, I mean OH MY GOD."
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1997#comic
 
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Zeus: "Pandora...I'm giving you a box that contains all the ills that befall mankind." / Pandora: "That's dumb. You can't put "ills" in a box. They're concepts, not..." / Pandora: "Look, see it's just an empty-" / Zeus: "Boom! I warned you! Totally warned you!" / Header: Later... / Man: "Lord Zeus...why is there suffering?" / Zeus: "Dumb woman opened a box."
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1998#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man: "I didn't act alone! Nobody realized you were an alien race!" / Alien: "You killed more of us than any man in history!" / Man: "I work from home! There's a lot of down time!" / Alien: "It's too late for excuses!" / Man: "NOOOO!" / [ The man is pierced by an alien appendage ] / [ Pull back to reveal the alien is a sperm ]
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1999#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: Know Your Hypothetical Particles! / The tachyon: a particle that travels backward in time / Status: unobserved / Practical use: Fixing plot holes in science fiction shows / Man: "Deric! How come the psychic character didn't anticipate her friend's betrayal?" / Man #2: "Stand back!" / [ He blasts the script with a tachyon beam ] / [ Man looks at the script in shock ] / [ The page reads: / Cut to: / Int. Dark Room / Psylika: "Strange...I'm getting a tachyon signature from...from YOU, McTraitor!"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2000#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Dad: "You know your mother and I don't believe in premarital sex." / Son: "Well, I don't believe in YOU dad!" / [ The mother looks angry and shocked and the dad, who is a unicorn, looks hurt and shocked ]
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2001#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Woman: "As you can see here, I reached peak giving-a-shit six months ago, caring is a finite resource, and you used it up when you kept complaining about video game release dates." / Woman: "In order to facilitate our continued relationship, I'm looking into alternative giving-a-shit resources, such as lust, fear of change, and an abstract feeling of obligation." / Man: "So...we're breaking up, or-" / Woman: "I think we should have kids."
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2002#comic
 
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: Meaning of the phrase "she/he's cute" sorted by gender / Header: Female / Woman: "He's not quiiiiiiiiite attractive, but I'd still sleep with him." / Header: Male / Man: "She's not quiiiiiiiiite legally able to consent, but I'd still sleep with her."
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2003#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: We have not yet detected an intelligent signal from an alien world. / Man: "Come on, Lady Klingons. Come onnnnnnn Lady Klingons." / Header: This is because all intelligent species eventually discover science, thereafter, they either explode themselves or become so self-involved that they cease to care about reality. / Man #2 (riding naked on an atomic bomb): "Socialized capitalism is superior to centrally planned marker socialism!" / Man #3: "Oh my God. In this virtual universe, EVERYONE has boobs!" / Header: The band of time between the invention of wireless transmission and one of the above is so short, civilizations send only a thin shell of information into space. / [ A thin shell in information travels through space ] / Header: So, the odds of any civilization being capable of receiving a signal when it arrives are terrible. / Voice from in front of a pyramid: "Did you just hear something?" / Voice from in front of a pyramid #2: "Less talking. More building giant triangles!" / Header: In case you're curious, here's what ours will look like: / "Hitler's first broadcast" / "Early amateur radio users shouting 'fuck you, space!'" / "Crappy TV" / "Less crappy TV" / "President calls Chinese missle command 'a bunch of pussies'" / "Gamma radiation"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2004#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Scientist: "It works like this." / Priest: "No it doesn't." / Scientist: "It does, and I have proof." / Priest: "No it doesn't!" / Scientist: "It does, and I have overwhelming proof." / Priest: "No it doesn't!" / Scientist: "It does, and I have such overwhelming proof it's becoming a P.R. problem for you." / Priest: "No it...hmm...let me see that." / [ The priest stands alone and reads the proof ] / [ The priest gets a sly look ] / Priest: "Isn't God's design amazing?"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2005#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: Yo Mama Jokes, indexed by professional employment / [ A grid shows Scientist, Economist, and Doctor professions and Yo Mama so Ugly, Yo Mama so Stupid, and Yo Mama so Fat jokes: / Scientist: / Yo Mama so Ugly, Fluorine wouldn't bond with her. / Yo Mama so Stupid, she thought Blackbody Radiation referred to the Out of Africa Theory. / Yo Mama so Fat, if she moved past a black hole at high velocity, it'd create a closed timelike curve. / Economist: / Yo Mama so Ugly, your dad listed her as a toxic asset. / Yo Mama so Stupid, she thought "externalities" were when you get more nalities. / Yo Mama so Fat, when she sits around the house, it undergoes higher than average activity depreciation. / Doctor: / Yo Mama so Ugly, I referred her friends to an optometrist. / Yo Mama so Stupid, she thought mastalgia was when you reminisce about boobs. / Yo Mama so Fat, she has only a 30% chance of surviving the bypass surgery. I'm so sorry. ]
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2006#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: Parenting Tip: / Preach What You Practice / Dad: "Son...when life gives you lemons, use them as an excuse never to put in the work needed to achieve your dreams."
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2007#comic
 
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: My Fantasy: / Pass a law requiring all political speeches to contain the same preamble / Man: "*achem* Based on my poor understanding of history, science, and ethics..."
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2008#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: It's a fact of reality that any argument can be destroyed by Nihilism. / Man #1: "Reality is subjective, so nobody wins the debate!" / Man #2 (thinking): "Stupid existentialist debate club." / Header: Strangely, it can come from any epistemological direction... / Header: Postmodern / Woman #1: "Hey, how are you?" / Woman #2: "There's no such thing as truth!" / Header: Skeptic / Woman #3: "Here are 42 evidence-based arguments for my view." / Woman #4: "So...not 43? 43 would've overcome my status quo bias." / Header: The fact that logic isn't self-proving is probably a salient feature of reality. But it isn't terribly pragmatic. / Woman #5: "I asked for no cheese on this." / Man #3: "Sorry, reality is a lie." / Header: So, next time you get into a discussion, don't be a premature nihilator. / Header: Two minutes into a debate... / Woman #6: "Well, according to Arrow's Theorem, you're wron-" / Man #4: "Oh God...oh God...facts are inscrutable! FACTS ARE INSCRUTABLE! Sorry..." / Woman #6: "*sigh* That's okay. You good to debate a little more now?" / Man #4: "I'm kinda tired?"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2009#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man (inside a robot): "Oh hey Sandy. Remember me? YOu wouldn't be my high school prom date, but now I'm back with a GIANT ROBOT. Bet you regret rejecting me now!" / Woman: "Sorry, I'm married now. To the guy who wedgied you every day in high school." / Man #2: "Heya." / [ The man in the robot steps on the husband and kills him ] / Woman: "Great! Now we can be together!" / Woman: "Wow, is this made of titanium carbide?" / Man: "Tungsten carbide." / Woman (ripping her clothes off): "Take me! Take me now!" / Professor: "Your turn David. Why do you want to become an engineer?" / Man (now in class and out of his daydream): "Hrm? Oh, uh, I like making things."
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2010#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: Astronomy is the most romantic science. / Man: "I love you in more ways than there are stars in the heavens." / Header: Biology is the least romantic science. / Man #2: "I love you in more ways than there are sperm in a cup of semen." / Header: Well, unless you count astrobiology... / Man #3: "I love you in more ways than there are sperm in the heavens."
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2011#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Superman: "Not so fast, criminal!" / Man: "Wait! It's more complex than you realize! I'm mugging to feed my family!" / Superman: "Why can't you feed your family?" / Man: "Bastards at the plant don't pay us enough." / [ Superman holds the boss by the collar ] / Man #2: "Wait! We want to pay more, but the bastards in the government disincentivize it too strongly!" / [ Superman holds a government official by the collar ] / Man #3: "Wait! I want to come up with a better economic system, but statisticians don't understand chaos very well." / [ Superman holds a statistician by the collar ] / Man #4: "Wait! I'd love to understand chaos, but the world is full of hidden variables." / Superman: "So...so who do I punch?" / Man #4: "Reality is complex. If you want anything like an answer, you'll need to learn physics, math, philosophy, history..." / [ Superman looks overwhelmed ] / [ Superman goes back and punches the original criminal ]
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2012#comic
 
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man: "The existence of "irrational" numbers proves the universe itself is irrational." / Man #2: "That's just a naming convention. It refers to the fact that you can't make a ratio of the number." / Man: "My my...how irrational that you can't do that." / Man #2: "So, if the Greeks had named them "boobs numbers," by your logic, the universe would be boobs?" / Man: "That is correct." / [ Man #2 is angry ] / Man #2 (as he burns down the Museum of Greek History): "Bastards!"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2013#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man and Woman: "Oh my God! I can't believe I slept with you!" / Man and Woman: "Hey! What's wrong with me? You can't do better!" / Man and Woman: "My God, you're right." / Man and Woman: "Let's overlook each other's flaws, tell our friends this went exactly as planned, and agree to sleep together again every week or so." / Header: Soon... / [ Man and woman are getting married ]
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2014#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: Scientists / Scientist: "I will rip out your guts and shit in your spleen, you stupid bastard! Shit in your stupid spleen!" / Header: Normal People / Woman: "Hey, do you think it makes sense to say a mollusc can behave altruistically?" / Man: "I guess?"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2015#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man (holding a jar of sperm and wearing a mask): "Don't think of me as a hero." / Caption: Anonymous donation is not always the highest form of charity."
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2016#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: How Controversy Works / Header: Step 1: Crazy person says crazy thing. / Woman: "My political opponents are all Bonapartists!" / Header: Step 2: Media personality assumes crazy person represents a large group. / Man: "Congressman, do you support Emperor Napoleon returning from death to reign over America?!" / Header: Step 3: Associated politicians refuse to give up publicity for any reason. / Man #2: "I think the "Bonapartist" statement was meant to convey a broader dissatisfaction with government." / Header: Step 4: The fact that the non-issue became an issue becomes an issue. / Man #3: "Why won't this story die? We explore this question in part fourteen of our ongoing investigation." / Header: Step 5: Election results install the people who best wielded the controversy. Happily, humans are psychologically unable to connect the massive result to its tiny origin. / Woman #2: "How did this reorm bill not pass?" / Man #4: "Complicated and meaningful reasons." / Header: Step 6: Media gets sick of the issue and decides to move onto more compelling topics. Unless the crazy person says a new crazy thing. / Woman: "My opponents are all vikings!"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2017#comic
 
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man (thinking): "Oh no. I want to read what's on her shirt, but if I do, she'll think I'm staring at her boobs." / Man (thinking): "But why should that be bad? It's not a sex thing. She put words on her shirt! People read words!" / Man (thinking and getting angry): "I'm an adult! She's an adult! It's just a body part! Big deal! We're adults for God's sake!" / [ The man's face is right in front of the woman's boobs and he's making a very angry face at them ] / Woman: "Uh...can I help you?" / Man: "Oh, grow up!"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2018#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man: "So, how did you come to discover general relativity?" / Einstein: "Whenever I try to understand the cosmos, I think 'how would God design it?'" / Man: "That's so...beautiful." / Einstein: "...yeah..." / Header: Earlier... / [ Einstein imagines... ] / God: "I'm gonna make mass curve spacetime." / Angel: "Bahahahahahahahahaha!"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2019#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Header: Reality has two dimensions of time: proper time and remembered time. / [ Proper time is represented by a straight arrow while remembered time is represented by a squiggly line with multiple arrow points ] / Header: Proper time is kept on watches. / [ A watch shows "March 23, 1993 3:14 PM o'clock" ] / Header: Remembered time is stored in neurons. / [ A neuron shows "first time I touched a boob o'clock." ] / Header: Proper time is finite and homogenous. / [ An arrow is a straight line from "beginning" to "end" ] / Header: Remembered time is infinite and clumpy. / [ There are multiple squiggly lines and arrows from "then" to "now" including a blob, which represents "day I saved a life (continually expanding)," and a missing piece, representing "time I had an erection and forgot to zip up (currently missing)." ] / Header: Proper time memories exist only in the past. Remembered time memories can exist anywhen. / Mom: "Remember how you thanked me for those piano lessons?" / Daughter: "What? I hate the pia-" / Mom: "That's what I say to future you!" / Header: Humans are biologically incapable of accessing proper time. This is why a point in remembered time is never the same as last time you checked it... / Header: Initial / [ A man in a t-shirt runs from a small dog ] / Header: Subsequent / [ The man is now in a shirt and tie and growls back at a bear ] / Header: Final / [ The man is now a warrior with flowing hair and beard who is now riding the bear ] / Header: Why love is possible... / [ A young couple holding hands thinks of themselves as an old couple holding hands, who thinks about themselves as the young couple holding hands ] / Header: And why life is bearable. / Header: Initial / [ A woman walks away from a man, breaking his heart ] / Header: Subsequent / [ The man gets angry ] / Header: Final / [ The man is once again a warrior with flowing hair and beard and rides a bear ]
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2020#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man: "I'm not saying we should destroy the Earth. I'm saying, if we do, it won't be 'sad' since the idea of sadness exists only in the minds of humans." / Caption: Philosophers are no longer allowed at environmental conferences.
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2021#comic
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Man: "We know enemy nations wanted Professor Carroll dead, but it doesn't look like foul play...no assassin could make a man suddenly die of heart attack, aneurysm, and stroke all at the same time." / Header: Earlier... / Man #2 (to Professor Carroll): "You'll receive 20 billion dollars for your reactor physics experiment. All we ask is that pronounce it 'nookular.'"
http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2022#comic
 

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