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| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Execution Strategy:
/ Try to say the most disconcerting thing possible before you die.
/ Man in a guillotine: "The cure for cancer is-" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2023#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Boy: "God...why is there suffering in the world?"
/ God: "Day one of making the universe...I forgot a minus sign. It all sorta...trickles down from there...good luck!" / Caption: Fortunately, God doesn't answer prayers. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2024#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Relationship Pranks:
/ At the last possible moment, convince your wife having a baby was a terrible idea
/ Woman: "Oh! Oh! O...is that a pirate hat?"
/ Man: "Avast! Fire the baby cannon!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2026#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: If real life were like political debate
/ Man: "You punched my toddler in the face!"
/ Man #2: "Whoa, whoa. That punch was taken out of context." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2027#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Hahahaha! A Tyrannosaurus with its entire brain encased in transparent aluminum! THe most horrible monster of all time! Prepare for terror, humanity!" / Header: Later...
/ [ The dinosaur has no mouth, onlyu a tiny brain and eyes ]
/ Man: "Shit." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2028#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Communicating with Academics: A Guide / [ A table has columns labeled "theologian," "scientist," and "philosopher," and rows labeled "how to make angry," "how to make happy," and "how to stupify." You make a theologian angry by asking "could God make a degree so useless, even HE couldn't get a real job?" You make a theologian happy by saying, "your total agreement with standard dogma really spoke to me." You stupify a theologian by asking, "in heaven, which dead husband do I sleep with?" For the scientist, make him/her angry by asking, "isn't it funny how even if you win a Nobel, you'll never be a famous as a 14-year old pop star?" To make him/her happy, say, "you have pierced the veil of nature and glimpsed pure truth. The univeristy will now pay you an extra 12 dollars per month." To stupify him/her, ask, "could you give me a complete understanding of quantum chromodynamics? Whoa, whoa, Stop with the math." Make a philospher angry by asking, "how is Ayn Rand always right about everything?" Make a philosopher happy by saying, "your slight elaboration on a single paragraph of Wittgenstein is revolutionary!" Finally, to stupify the philosopher, ask, "so...what exactly do you do?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2029#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Alien: "What about this human female?"
/ Man: "Nah. Her weight is more than two standard deviations above average." / Alien: "What about that one?"
/ Man: "Her genetic lineage diverged from mine 7,000 years ago due to a brief geographical separation." / Man: "Ooh! She looks nice."
/ Akien: "WHY?" / Man: "During my formative years, I had a red-haired baby-sitter whose left nipple I saw through a keyhole for 14 seconds." / [ The alien looks disgusted ] / Man: "Don't judge me! What metric do you guys use?" / Alien: "Longterm personality compatibility."
/ Man: "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2030#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Daughter: "Daddy! There's a monster under my bed!" / Dad: "How dare you! Fantasy monsters don't exist! The real monsters are human beings like you and me, who pollute the Earth, suppress human rights, and commit genocide! Your juvenile fantasty mocks a thousand centuries of human suffering!" / Dad: "Good. Night." / [ The girl looks sad ] / Header: Later
/ Monster: "Close call that time."
/ Dad (giving the monster a hamburger): "Just move out as soon as you get a job, okay, Hank?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2031#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Merlin: "Hello, Arthur! I'm Merlin! I was born at the end of time and I age backward!" / Arthur: "Wow!"
/ Merlin: "So, by changing my present, I get to have better memories of your future!" / Arthur: "Okay..."
/ Merlin: "Here are some pictures of sexy naked wizards!" / Arthur: "Why are-"
/ Merlin: "Thought those might be of interest as you discover your sexuality!" / Arthur: "You're weirding me out, Merlin."
/ Merlin: "Here's some grain alcohol! When you turn 18, we can celebrate!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2032#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Scary
/ Doctor: "Well, there isn't really a good definition of death. We could say 'end of consciousness is death,' but consciousness doesn't have a strict location in the brain." / Header: Really Scary
/ Proton #1: "Hey, Proton #1217243865291...did the woman we were in just die?"
/ Proton #2: "What's 'die?' Hey, you wanna go be part of a rock?"
/ Proton #1: "YES." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2033#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "The ocean is beautiful because it simultaneously reminds us how small we are and how much we are part of something incomprehensibly grand." / Man: "When I look in your eyes...I see both. The small perfect moment we share now, and the sublimely expansive churning joy that stretches out in every direction." / Man: "Let's let this moment..." / Man (going in for a kiss): "Connect the two." / [ THe couple kisses ] / [ They slowly part, keeping their eyes closed ] / [ They smile at each other ] / Man: "So, its cool that I did that tongue waggle thing just now, right?" / Woman: "Yeah, just...never again please."
/ Man: "Sure sure sure!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2034#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Horrible Truth:
/ All technological progress is due to humanity's unearned sense of entitlement. / Man: "Dammit, GPS! How long does it take to talk to space?! It's right there."
/ [ He points to the sky ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2035#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Sending monogamous couples on long space trips is dangerous psychologically.
/ [ Lots of male and female signs have arrows pointed to multiple others ] / Header: And heterosexual couples always carry the risk of pregnancy.
/ [ A baby in a uterus has a space helmet on ] / Header: The only possible solution for long space voyages was to find non-monogamous gay astronauts.
/ [ Three shirtless men holding space helmets stand with their arms around each other ] / Header: Which is what sparked Kennedy's famous speech.
/ Kennedy: "We will find the gayest crew possible. Gayer than any crew the Soviets have yet dreamt! We choose to send a gay spaceship to the moon in this decade...not because it is gay, but because it is hard." / Header: And Khruschev's infamous response.
/ Khruschev: "Our cosmonauts are the gayest in the world! They will ride into space like big gay cossacks gaying their way across the Eastern Steppes. We will bury you! Bury you in gayness!" / Header: It is an immutable fact of space travel that hasn't yet been circumvented. Even modern day NASA must obey this law of psychology.
/ Man: "We hope to reach Mars in 20 years...if we can find astronauts gay enough for such a perilous journey." / Man #2: "Please teach our son actual history."
/ Man #3: "First he has to know how it should have been." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2036#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Movies have a lot of bad science. How come there's never bad math? / Woman: "Stan?"
/ Man: "Sally! We've got to get out of the city!" / Woman: "WHY?!"
/ Man: "Two...has mutated." / [ The man takes his glasses off ] / [ The man wipes his glasses ] / Man: "Into three." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2037#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Dancing?! Who cares if no one's dancing!? Two million people were killed in eight months." / Caption: The Battle of Stalingrad turned out to be an unpopular prom theme. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2038#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: 1 + 1 = ? / Header: 6 year old
/ Boy: "2!" / Header: Philosopher
/ Man: "Induction is impossible." / Header: Computer Scientist
/ Man #2: "Whoa, whoa...addition is the machine's job." / Header: Mathematician
/ Man #3: "Define '1.'" / Header: Physicist
/ Man #4: "Ballpark...about a thousand." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2039#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "So, how was your first time travel?"
/ Woman: "Great! I went back and changed things so the word "eight" is now pronounced "sodomized." / Man: "I don't get it. Why?" / Woman: "Why was six afraid of seven?" / Man: "Because seven..." / [ Man scowls ] / Man: "Well played." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2040#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The Law of Computer Bloat says that, no matter how fast a CPU goes, new software will have so much unneccesary crap that your computer will never run as gast as it could. / [ A line graph with x-axis "time," has a line labeled "processing speed" above a line labeled "bloat" and the space between the lines is the "productivity gap." ] / Header: Of course...it's not as sad as the Law of Porno Bloat. / [ A line graph with x-axis "time," has a line labeled "available hours of porno" above a line labeled "maximum human lifespan" and the space between the lines is the "productivity gap." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2041#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: How to Communicate with Writers / [ A chart has columns labeled "novelist," "poet," and "screenwriter" as well as rows labeled "how to anger," "how to delight," and "how to ruin forever." To anger a novelist, say, "Gee! You sure know a lot of adverbs!" To delight a novelsit, say, "everything in creation has been leading up to whatever you did most recently*" To ruin a novelist forever, say, "oh...your new book is made of sentences? I guess that's okay. I mean, it was good enough for everyone else." To anger a poet, say, "I didn't like it. I mean, most of it didn't even rhyme." To delight a poet, say, "You are this generation's T. S. Eliot." To ruin a poet forever, say, "the important thing is that it makes sense to you." To anger a screenwriter, say, "what a gutwrenching autobiography. Add a sexy vampire, and we'll option it!" To delight a screenwriter, say, "the producers want some adjustments to your magnum opus. So you get an extra five percent!" Finally, to ruin a screenwriter forever, say, "turnign30-year-old TV shows into movies is anti-anti-establishment. So, it's double subversive."
/ * anything short of this is an insult ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2042#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | God: "You shall flourish all across the seas until it turns out some goo in your brain is really good for making candles!" / Caption: God creates the sperm whale. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2043#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: We cloned Hitler so we could punish him.
/ Man: "We gotta make him grow the mustache. I'm starting to feel guilty." / Header: But without power, he was kind of a standard dickhead, instead of an evil dictator
/ Man #2: "Hey, Clone Hitler...you put me beers in the fridge and they exploded."
/ Clone Hitler: "I care, but will not offer to replace them!" / Header: After a while, we felt bad about the torture and let him go.
/ Man #3: "Sorry we brought you into existence only to be reviled on sight by everyone you ever meet. Oh, and fun fact: there's a greeting card for everything.
/ [ He holds up a card that reads "Sorry you're a Hitler clone, we hope you make it on your own!" ] / Header: He tried several times to start a fascist revolt, but people today don't have the attention span.
/ Clone Hitler: "Roommate Andersen! We must rise against our inferiors!"
/ Man #4: "yes! I'll start a blog immediately...tomorrow." / Header: "When he ran out of money, we got him a job in tech support, where we figured his depression and misanthropy would go unnoticed.
/ Voice on phone line: "No, IDIOT. I need TWO internets. ONe for me, and one for my dachshund." / Header: But after a few weeks, they figured him out.
/ Clone Hitler: "I have eliminated everyone on my list."
/ Man #5: "Why does it sound so creepy when you say that?" / Header: He couldn't hold down a job, he couldn't make friends, and he had a hell of a time finding love.
/ [ Clone Hitler's OKCupid page shows a picture of him and "three things that describe me:
/ outgoing.
/ considerate.
/ genetically identical to Adolf Hitler." ] / Header: Finally, he ended it all. Fortunately, as always in life, there was a clear and useful moral.
/ Man #6: "You can't judge a man by his genetics. Except sometimes kinda." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2044#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Landlord: "Water and gas are paid for, but you're responsible for electric." / Man: "FOOL! I'll attach a flywheel to the showerhead which will spin a dynamo, which will charge my capacitor bank, which will connect to all the wiring in my apartment!" / Man: "I've bypassed your system entirely, apartment manager! For you didn't reckon my being..." / Landlord: "We had assumed nobody would spend so much money and time just save a few dollar-"
/ Man: "...AN ENGINEER!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2045#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Discoveries people cherish
/ Man: "I've discovered a way to transmute water...into fuel." / Header: Discoveries scientists cherish
/ Woman: "I've discovered a way to transmute whiskey...into breakfast." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2046#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: People sae say Georg Cantor went mad as he pursued a mathematical understanding of infinity. / Header: But the truth is that his breakdown only came after he was shunned by academia for his ideas.
/ Cantor: "They're called transfinites."
/ Man: "Transfinite? Is that the gay version of infinity?"
/ Man #2: "Burn!" / Header: Still, he had it better than most. People usually go crazy without any sort of poetic justification.
/ Woman: "My brother's ideas about how to be a telemarketing temp worker were so profound...he went MAD!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2047#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "You treat me like I don't exist!"
/ Woman: "Well, you're a negative one! And your root is your parents. So they're the root of negative one. So they're imaginary. Therefore you don't exist." / Caption: I no longer date mathematicians. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2048#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Relationships: A Guide
/ [ A scatter plot lies on an x-axis with "love" for the positive direction and "hate" for the negative. The y-axis is labeled "amount of sex." The first point is all the way to the left in the "hate" zone but almost touching the x-axis, indicating very little sex. That point is labeled "platonic hate." The next point is at the same point on the x-axis, but a little higher on the y and is labeled "thank you, daddy issues." The third is also on the same point on the x-axis but almost to the top of the y-axis and is labeled "you can't put that there OH MY GOD PUT THAT THERE." Directly on the y-axis but almost touching the x is "imaginary girlfriend." Just higher on the y-axis is "friends with shitty benefits" and just above that is "most ocuple you will ever meet." The point on the top of the y-axis is "friends with benefits." The next point is all the way in the love zone of the x-axis but almost intersecting it and is labeled "platonic love." The next point is at the same point on the x-axis but higher on the y and is labeled "platonic love, but then we got drunk." The final point is in the upper right corner and labeled "ideal relationship." Furthermore, each point is in a colored area - "platonic hate" and "thank you, daddy issues" are in "bad;" "most couple you will ever meet," "friends with shitty benefits." and "imaginary girlfriend" are in "boring;" "platonic love," "platonic love, but then we got drunk." and "ideal relationship" are in "good;" "friends with benefits" strattles "good" and "bad;" and finally, "you can't put that there OH MY GOD PUT THAT THERE" is in "island of awesome." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2049#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Day 1
/ Caveman #1: "There are strange fumes seeping form this hole in the Earth."
/ Caveman #2: "It's the spirits of the vengeful dead!" / Header: Day 2
/ Caveman #1: "Huh...if I catch the spirits of the venegful dead on fire, the fire persists."
/ Caveman #2: "Hrmmm..." / Header: Day 3
/ [ People line up at the cavemen's booth featuring "hot soup!" and "low prices!" ] / Caption: This is the best thing about humans. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2050#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Yes, I have a wife AND a mistress BUT when I come home, before I open the door, it's uncertain whether it's one woman, the other, both, or neither will be in the room. So, most of the time, I'm only with one quantum woman." / Caption: Schrodinger failed to get that position at Princeton. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2051#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "I got some tips from your mother." / [ Naked man looks horrified ] / Caption: Theory proved:
/ Erections can be destroyed with sound waves. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2052#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "My VACUUM?! I feel like I have to label everything in the house "not for your penis!"
/ Man: "I feel like you have a fundamental misunderstanding of male psychology." / Caption: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. - Abraham Maslow http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2053#comic |
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