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| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Anyone who thinks he has a single unified consciousness has never been dating: / Brain: Oh my God. That woman has big boobs. If we have kids with her, she'll provide extra milk! No, dammit! It's an evolutionary deception! Screw you! I'm gonna tell mouth to whistle at her. No! That doesn't even work!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2085#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A man imagines:
/ Man #2: "Keep away! Keep away!"
/ Man: "Stop! Guys, I'm in the middle of surgery! Come on!"
/ Two men are playing keep away with a patient's heart ]
/ Woman: "Why didn't you follow your brothers into med school?"
/ Man: "No reason." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2086#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Parent for one day
/ Woman: "I could never hit a child! It's despicable!" / Header: Parent for one week
/ Woman: "I could never hit a child! They put you in jail for that, right?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2087#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Science Advocates
/ Man: "Why is it important that we have trapped antimatter?"
/ Man #2: "Oh! It has future applications in propulsion, energy creation, data transmission, you name it!" / Header: Scientists
/ Man: "Why is it important that we have trapped antimatter?"
/ Man #3: "Because it's fucking awesome." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2088#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Herodotus also wrote a history of temp workers / [ A man site at a computer ] / Man #2: "Dienekes! Mr. Xerxes promises to send so many memoranda that they shall blot out the sun!" / Man: "Then we shall file in the shade!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2089#comic |
| Saturday MOrning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The Graphvella:
/ Any story can be told in 3 charts or fewer / Header: Example 1: Zombie movie
/ Header: Fig. 1
/ [ A pie chart of March shows a small amount of "infected population" while a pie chart of April shows a much larger amount ] / Header: Fig. 2
/ [ A flow chart starts with "zombies are everywhere" and "is this guy is a zombie?" If the answer is "no," then proceed to "yes he is" and "death." If the answer is "yes," then "can you escape?" If "no," then "death" and if "yes," then "hide in a small confined space with a group of people from different backgrounds" and then "death." ] / Header: Fig. 3
/ [ A line graph with x-axis "human history" and y-axis "biomass of human brains" slowly increases until a point where it drops to zero ] / Header: Example 2: Romantic comedy
/ Header: Fig. 1
/ [ A bar graph titled "skills possessed by the male" has high bars in "intelligence," "senseof humor," and "hostage negotiation," but a very low bar in "love." Another bar graph titled "skills possessed by the female" has has high bars in "intelligence," "senseof humor," and "business negotiation," but a very low bar in "love." ] / Header: Fig. 2
/ [ A line graph with x-axis "time" and y-axis "integrity of romantic relationship" has a slowly increasing line until a sudden drop at "contrived miscommunication" and then a sudden rise at "man humiliates self in charming and expensive manner." ] / Header: Example 3: Zombie romantic comedy
/ [ A line graph with x-axis "time" and y-axis "integrity of romantic relationship" has a slowly increasing line until a sudden drop at "contrived miscommunication" and then a sudden rise at "man humiliates self in charming and expensive manner." The line continues to riseuntil dropping once again at "man eats woman's face." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2090#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ Santa has a small book titled "Nice," a large book titled "Naughty," and a humongous book titled "Not Bad, but Kind of a Dick." ] / Caption: Ask yourself:
/ Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2092#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Dad: "Sweetie, I think you're old enough for the sex talk."
/ Daughter: "Okay."
/ Dad: "So, I'm sending you to a deserted island in an undisclosed location." / Caption: This is why mothers usually give girls the sex talk. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2093#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A man smugly gestures to his car to reveal a Jesus fish "Truth" emblem ] / [ A woman angrily gestures at her car to reveal a Darwin creature "Evolution" emblem eating the Jesus "Truth" fish ] / [ Another man gestures at his car to reveal an emblem that looks like a giant fish with rolling eyes. Written in it is "Gulpo, the fish who eats concepts." ] / [ The second man grins ] / First man and woman: "You're a dick." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2094#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Dad: "Go to your room!" / Girl: "Why?" / Dad: "Because I'm upset with you!" / Girl: "Why?" / Dad: "Because I saw you cheating on your homework!" / Girl: "Why?" / Dad: "Because photons were emitted from a lamp, then bounced off you, entered my eyes, and formed an image." / Girl: "Why?" / Dad: "Because photons carry energy!" / Girl: "Why?" / Dad: "Because energy is proportional to frequency!" / Girl: "Why?" / Dad: "Because my photoreceptor cells respond to electromagnetic radiation!" / Girl: "Why?" / Dad: "Because electromagnetic radiation photoisomerizes my 11-CIS retinal!" / Girl: "Why?" / Dad: "Go to your room!" / [ A line graph with x-axis "human history" and y-axis "potential length of these conversations" has a slowly rising slope that shoots straight up at a point ] / [ A line graph with x-axis "human history" and y-axis "human desire for children" has a high slope that dwindles as history goes on ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2095#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: In this universe, there is roughly one atom of hydrogen per cubic meter.
/ An atom of hydrogen has a mass of roughly 1.66x10^-27 kilograms.
/ The average person has a mass of roughly 80 kilograms.
/ Which leads us to the human condition.
/ Man: "It would take ten million billion cubic meters of space to equal the mass of my penis!"
/ Woman: "So...about average then."
/ Man: "Only slightly below average, yes." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2097#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Chaptain Chanukah: "Shalom."
/ Santa: "Chaptain Chanukah!" / Santa: "How did you get past my eight reindeer?" / Chaptain Chanukah: "You ever wonder why my menorah has eight branches?" / Santa: "No. No! NOOOO!" / Chaptain Chanukah: "But you neglected to recall..." / Reindeer: "The most famous reindeer...of all." / [ The reindeer slashes at Chaptain Chanukah with a sword ] / [ A streak of blood flies ] / [ The blood begins to curl on itself ] / [ The blood forms a coil ] / [ The blood forms a circle ] / Caption: The moral: Why do they only make holiday movies for children? http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2098#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: First year...
/ Man: "I love the way you finish my"
/ Woman: "Sentences!" / Header: Second year...
/ Man: "Will you"
/ Woman: "Marry you? Of course!" / Header: Fifth year...
/ Man: "Stop finishing my goddamn"
/ Woman: "Sentences!" / Header: Tenth year...
/ Man: "I want a"
/ Woman: "Divorce!" / Header: Eleventh year...
/ Man: "Please don't take"
/ Woman: "Custody!"
/ Man: "I love the"
/ Woman: "Kids!" / Header: Twelfth year...
/ Man: "Die!"
/ [ He holds up a gun ] / [ The woman shoots first and the gun goes "BANG!" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2099#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Sad Truth: All data is subjective / Header: Bad version
/ Woman: "One quarter of our kids now have sex by age thirteen!" / Header: Good version
/ Woman: "My fellow Americans, we have become a nation of sexual prodigies!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2100#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Talking Cool About Sex: A Guide / Header: I like my women like I like my _________:__________
/ [ A table has the following options: composers:sad and Russian, cake:moist and near cake, supermodels:supermodels ] / Header: I like my men like I like my _________:__________
/ [ A table has the following options: coffee:Columbian and trapped in a bag, mathematical logic:formal and 80% male, celery:secretly coated in peanut butter ] / Header: I like my masturbation like I like my ________:_________
/ [ A table has the following options: whiskey:hidden in the bathroom, computer programmers:alone and devoid of emotion, comics:short and featuring Aquaman ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2101#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man #1: "Man, physics is tough. I...who are you?"
/ Man #2: "I'm the spirit of John Bardeen, and I'm here to help you!" / [ Man #1 looks dumbfounded ] / Man #2: "I won two nobels in physics." / Man #1: "...go on..." / Man #2: "I invented the transistor and the fundamental theory for superconductivity." / Man #1: "Is Einstein available? Or Feynman?" / Man #2: "You just want guys who were good with media!d I made the transistor! The basis of modern life!" / Man #1: "Yeeeaah...but Einstein invented awesome hair, and Feynman invented boobs." / Man #2: "That's an urban legend." / Man #1: "Then where'd they come from?" / Man #2: "FINE! Richard! They want you again!" / Feynman: "Hey kid."
/ Man #1: "Hey! Can you help with my homework?"
/ Feynman: "Can you help me with your hot sister?" / Man #1: "...m-maybe?"
/ Feynman: "GIVE HER TO FEYN-MAN!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2102#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "You must be stage 3 syphilis, 'cause I can't get you out of my head." / Caption: Pickup lines are very difficult in the medical community. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2104#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: In the study of evolution, there is a concept called "sexually antagonistic selection." The idea is that some genes benefit one sex over the other.
/ Man: "Why do I have man-boobs?"
/ Man #2: "Because you're just a mule for genetic code. But hey, your mom is HOT!" / Header: For example, a woman has a powerful jaw, which hurts her chances to reproduce. But, if she does reproduce, she has very high quality sons.
/ [ An unattractive woman has an arrow pointing to three superhero-like men ] / Header: Thus, even science confirms that redhaired men have it worse than anyone.
/ Doctor: "Not only are you ugly, but if you ever have daughters, everyone will want to nail them!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2105#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Mr. President! A black hole is approaching Earth at near light speed." / Man: "There is no means of escape for any human being." / Man: "The Academy of Sciences and Academy of Arts joined together to send a group message into the heavens." / President: "How'd it go?"
/ Man: "Not great." / [ As the Earth is destroyed, a message floating in space reads "Science is boring" on one half and "art is stupid" on the other. ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2106#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "You get two football clubs. They football at each other. Then, whoever footballs hardest is the king of football." / Caption: Fun dating activity:
/ Trick a nerd into claiming he likes a sport, then ask him to explain the rules. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2107#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man (thinking): "There can't be free will. If every moment is just the ultimate product of an earlier state, human choice makes no sense." / Man (thinking): "But wait. Say you had a computer that knew all the conditions of a man's environment, and predicted he'd eat an apple, couldn't he read the prediction, then CHOOSE to eat an orange?" / Man (thinking): "Agh! No! The computer is part of the observed system too! It'd have to simulate every atom of the system itself to predict the future, which would require it to be bigger than itself!" / Man (thinking): "Wait, wait! If you have a quantum computer, each quantum bit can symbolize three states, so maybe it could simulate a system bigger than itself!" / Man (thinking): "Unless the apparatus to make predictions via symbols required the computer to be larger than the system in question." / Man (thinking): "Oh GOD! Free will is a LIE! It's all just a result of the initial parameters of-"
/ Voice: "Oh, STEVE!" / Woman: "What gives you such amazing stamina?!" / Man: "The boundary conditions of the universe." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2108#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A crudley drawn T-Rex with "oh shit it's a T. Rex" written on the bottom ] / Header: Step 1: Cut out T. Rex
/ [ Scissors lay near a half-cut out T. Rex ] / Header: Step 2: Find a typical editorial cartoon.
/ [ A fat cat labeled "corporations" is holding a bag of votes from Uncle Sam who is labeled "America." ] / Header: Step 3: Paste in T. Rex
/ [ The T. Rex is pasted over the face of the cat and Uncle Sam ] / Header: Step 4: Cartoon is now funny.
/ [ A boy looks at the comic and smiles ] / Header: Step 5: Editorial cartoonist is now sad.
/ [ A man looks at the comic and frowns. ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2109#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Good friend
/ Woman #1: "Why do you think he told me to "fuck off?"
/ Woman #2: "Uh...that was him dumping you." / Header: Typical friend
/ Woman #1: "Why do you think he told me to "fuck off?"
/ Woman #3: "Because he was too in love...to say 'goodbye.'" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2110#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Thanks! I really appreciate you helping out."
/ Doctor: "No problem. I also went ahead and vaccinated you against death." / Woman: "Wow! They can do that?" / Doctor (holding a knife): "Yep." / [ The "knife" bends as it presses against teh woman's forehead. ] / Woman: "Wow! I can't wait to try this out!"
/ Doctor: "Good luck!" / Doctor #2: "That was mean."
/ Doctor: "So's asking your husband's ex-wife for free medical advice." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2111#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A teacher stands in front of chalk board, which reads, "The Great Gatsby: week 4" ]
/ Teacher: "Yes, Bobby?" / Boy: "Can we start reading another book?" / Teacher: "No. That's not how English calss works." / Teacher: "What we CAN do is pretend the book is a towering riddle of symbology designed to obfuscate a central theme so simplistic that it can be expressed in a single paragraph during a one-hour midterm." / [ The boy frowns ] / Boy: "Gotcha. Gotcha." / Header: Later, in college...
/ Boy: "Man...I hate novels."
/ Girl: "Wow, you too?!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2112#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Old Man (in a hospital bed): "I have a confession, Charlotte."
/ Old Woman: "Oh, it's too late for anything to bother me, Johnny." / Old Woman: "Was it another woman?"
/ Old Man: "No."
/ Old Woman: "Was it a crime you committed?"
/ Old Man: "No." / Old Woman: "Well...what could it-" / Old Man: "Every night for the last 60 years, I took a picture of my testicles on your forehead while you were asleep. This morning, I made a flipbook, and put it on the Internet." / Old Woman's answering machine: "You have 27,182 new messages." / Old Man: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" / Header: 60 years ago
/ Woman: "Are you mad because I said women are better schemers than men?"
/ Man: "No, no, I already forgot about that. Get some sleep, baby." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2113#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Honey! I think Billy's gonna come out of the closet to us!"
/ Man: "Really? How do you know?" / Woman: "I overheard him practicing!" / Man: "That's great! This is a chance to show our compassion and tolerance and how we love him unconditionally." / Header: Soon...
/ Son: "Mom...dad..." / Son: "I'm a homeopath." / [ The dad is sweaty and angry ] / Dad: "AND NEVER COME BACK!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2114#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: We realized overpopulation was a problem.
/ [ There are several faces in a crowd ] / Header: To fix it, we found those people most opposed to having children and convinced them to have as many babies as possible.
/ Doctor: "It's a boy!"
/ Woman: "Just wrap it up and stick it in the car." / Header: By the time we realized our mistake...it was too late.
/ [ A line graph with x-axis "time" and y-axis "prevalence" has a downward sloping line labeled "pro-kids genes (BABEEZWOO)," another downward sloping line below the previous one labeled "anti-kids genes (BABEEZBOO)," and an upward sloping line labeled "spitefully-agree-to-have-kids genes (BABEEZOKFINEWHTVR)" ] / Header: But, at least it cut down on idle sentimentalism
/ Son: "Fuck you, Dad."
/ Dad: "Eat shit, child." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2115#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The ant worked all day while the grasshopped played his fiddle.
/ [ A grasshopper fiddles while an ant takes food to his hill ] / Header: Come winter, the grasshopper was cold and hungry while the any was warm and full.
/ [ The sad grasshopper looks into the hill to see the ant smiling by a fire ] / Header: Next spring, the any was informed that his job was outsourced to a more efficient ant in Asia.
/ [ The ant reads a pink slip at his boss' desk ] / Header: Later, the ant tried to explain the value of hard work to his sons, but they didn't believe him since he was a pensionlesss cashier at a discount retailer.
/ [ Tht ant tries to talk to his sons, one of whom has an earring and the other a backwards hat, but they walk away ] / Header: The grasshopper got rich because a video of him getting stepped on by a celebrity became an Internet meme.
/ [ A man grins stupidly as he watches the video on his computer ] / Header: The ant still works hard, but his moeny goes to his shiftless adult children who play video games all day.
/ [ The ant looks at his sons who are on the couch playing video games ] / Header: His main form of amusement is yelling at cable new shows and being acutely aware of how right his wife was to leave him.
/ [ The ant drinks a beer and yells at the TV ]
/ [ The ant looks at himself in the mirror with a sad look on his face ] / [ The panel reads "THE END." ] / Woman (reading the story): "It's a little bleak, no?"
/ Man: "Really? In this version, only hope dies." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2116#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: We were tired of bullies.
/ Nerd (as he's wedgied by a bully): "Some day..." / Header: We rounded them up and sent them to Mars, so they would no longer bother us.
/ [ A shuttle is rocketed away into space ] / Header: Little did we know...that in their fury they would focus inward and develop new science.
/ [ Bullies write complicated formulas on white boards ] / Header: Before we knew it, they discovered a way to remotely detonate any nuclear device.
/ [ A bully holding a nuclear device grins evilly ] / Header: At which point, the result was inevitable.
/ [ A space craft flies towards the White House ] / Bully: "Hey, President DORK. Why you annihilating yourself?" / President: "I"m not!" / Bully: "WHY YOU ANNIHILATING YOURSELF?" / President: "I'm not!" / Bully: "WHY YOU ANNIHILATING YOURSELF?!" / President: "I'm not!" / [ The Earth explodes ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2117#comic |
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