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| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: It's called "The Paradox of the Court" / Header: In Athens, Protagoras made a deal with Euathlus.
/ Protagoras: "Tell you what-I'll teach you how to speak in court, and you don't have to pay me till you win your first case."
/ Euathlus: "Great!" / Header: But later, Euathlus didn't bother to seek any cases.
/ Protagoras: "Hey! Get to work!"
/ Euathlus: "Sorry, I was checking out this depiction on naked wrestlers on the side of an urn." / Header: So, Protagoras sued Euthlus for his payment.
/ Protagoras: "If I win, the court says you pay me. If I lose, our deal says you pay me." / Header: But Euathlus countered.
/ Euathlus: "Not so! If I win, the court says I don't pay. If I lose, you failed to teach me, so I don't pay." / Header: The argument was elliptically beautiful
/ Protagoras: "But if you win the FIRST case, then there is new information, so I can sue a second time."
/ Euathlus: "But, if you win the second case, it invalidates the first. So you see-" / Header: Later, Athens somehow lost the Peloponnesian War
/ Man: "But, did you kill me, or did the spear? Or society? Or nature herself?"
/ Man #2: "I'm gonna kill your children and take your wife."
/ Man: "Fascinating!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2148#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Hey baby, are you Star Trek? Because I watch you every night in the darkness." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2149#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: I spent ten years bodybuilding.
/ [ A silhouette lifts weights ] / Header: I dyed my hair black, coifed it perfectly, and got large black glasses. All for one reason.
/ [ A man with glasses and black hair has a stern look on his face ] / Header: So that one day in a job interview, I could give the perfect answer to a stupid question they always ask:
/ Woman: "What would you say your greatest weakness is?" / [ The man raises his hand to his glasses ] / [ He takes his glasses off ] / Man: "Kryptonite." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2150#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Every time I fell in love with someone I gave him my heart.
/ [ A large heart is between a woman and a man ] / Header: Every time love fell apart, I came away with half of what was left.
/ [ A whole heart is followed by a half heart, a quarter heart, and an eighth of a heart ] / Header: Such that each new relationship was the victim of the last one's demise.
/ [ A dizzying maze of heart pieces ] / Man: "So I get..." / Woman: "Happy Valentine's Day!"
/ [ She gives him a heart with "I love you with 1/2^14 of my heart!"
/ on it ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2151#comics |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: This venn diagram illustrates why I don't discuss politics with my doctor / [ The diagram has a blue circle, A, a red circle, B, and the purple intersection, C. ] / Caption: A: People I argue with
/ B: People who get to touch my balls
/ C: Only my wife http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2152#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Steve Wiggins, we need your help! Our spaceship needs to get to the dinosaur planet in a hurry. It's powered by sex with Batgirl and Princess Leia at the same time!"
/ Boy: "You came to the right place, General." / Caption: "Why won't you tell me your teenage fantasy?" she asked. "I want to live up to it." / "Well..." he began. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2153#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "What's the matter?"
/ Man: "You think I'm ugly."
/ Woman: "What are you talking about?" / Man: "We only have sex with the lights off."
/ Woman: "That's hardly conclusive." / Man: "At night."
/ Woman: "Which is the sexiest time of the day!" / Man: "And, according to this scatterplot, our sex tends to coincide with power outages, lunar eclipses, and days when you get your eyes dilated." / Man: "Okay, FINE! You look like crap." / Woman: "How many times have I told you not to use statistical analysis on our relationship?" / Man: "496." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2154#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Kids should focus on memorizing in school! They just need to know stuff, and the rest is easy!" / Woman #2: "Kids should focus on creativity in school! Too much information will crush their spirits!" / [ The student who listened to Woman #1 rides a scooter in a dreary world ] / [ The student who listened to Woman #2 sits in a big red monster truck with no wheels but he still looks like he's driving it ]
/ Student: "WOOH!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2155#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | President: "By my powers as President, I proclaim today "National Honesty Day." All citizens are required to only tell the truth." / Header: That afternoon...
/ President: "How'd we do?"
/ Man: "Bonanza. Our team found 200 billion dollars in unpaid taxes, and 14,000 tons of drugs." / President: "HA! Fantastic. Just as planned."
/ Man: "But sir...there's a problem." / Man: "The citizens are demanding all secret information be declassified. By the law, don't we have to comply?" / President: "HAHAHAHAHA! THE FOOLS! / Man: "I don't..." / President: "Honesty Day was yesterday!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2156#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Is it okay if I dress as Batgirl tonight? It's...kind of a turn-on." / Caption:
/ Expuberance:
/ The satisfaction of realizing that 13-year-old you would be happy with how things turned out. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2157#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The Difference: / Header: Computer Scientist
/ Man: "This alien computer has an architecture entirely foreign to ours. We have much to learn from it. And we may have much...to fear." / Header: Computer Engineer
/ Man #2: "Bam! I got "doom" to run on this thing!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2158#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: How to Make a Scientist's Head Explode:
/ Man: "Anecdotal evidence isn't valid."
/ Woman: "Yes it is! I once used an anecdote as evidence, and later it turned out I was right!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2159#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "I love the way you yell out during sex."
/ Man: "Oh, I...uh...thanks." / Caption: She'll never know about my high school sweetheart, Ogodohyes. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2160#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Complex Emotional Situations by Shape: / Header: The Love Triangle
/ [ Three faces in a triangle shape are looking at the one to their left and there are arrows following their gaze ] / Header: The Hate Rhombus
/ [ There are four angry faces with arrows pointing to each of the other three creating a rhombus shape ] / Header: The Lust Infinigon
/ [ There are myriad faces and arrows creating a chaotic shape ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2161#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Boy: "HA! Got you! You're drinking your own blood!" / Caption: Jesus no longer loves the little children. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2162#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: How to have a happy relationship, explained in one chart. / [ A chart has two columns - "do something nice for girlfriend" and "don't do something nice for girlfriend." It also has two rows - "mention it" and "don't mention it." When you do something nice for your girlfriend and mention it, you get "no fellatio." When you don't do something nice for her and you mention it, you also get "no fellatio." When you don't do something nice and you don't mention it, you get "no fellatio." Finally, when you do something nice and don't mention it, the result is "maybe fellatio." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2163#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Okay, let's settle this once and for all. 'I'm offended' does not equal 'it's offensive.'" / Header: "I'm offended" is when something upsets you
/ Man #2: "Ugh. I really don't like this guy's portrayal of gender." / Header: "It's offensive" is when you claim everyone is upset by it.
/ Man #3: "Ugh! This book is so offensive, we need to stop considering its viewpoint!" / Header: "I'm offended" happens to everyone.
/ Woman #1 (thinking): "Blah. I hate abortion jokes. No more of this author."
/ Woman #2 (thinking): "Ugh. I hare 'Family Circus.' Barely any abortion jokes!" / Header: "It's offensive" has no agreed upon standard.
/ Man #4: "Nipples are offensive! They must be stopped!"
/ Woman #3: "Seriously. If you're not breast feeding-"
/ Man #4: "AAH! AAH! You said 'breast!'" / Header: "I'm offended" starts arguments
/ Man #5: "I'm offended by your religion."
/ Woman #4: "That offends me, but my savior, Lord racist Satan, says we can talk about it." / Header: "It's offensive" ends them
/ Man #6: "Disagreement is offensive!"
/ Man #7: "No it's not."
/ Man #6: "Are you TRYING to upset everyone?!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2164#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Culture is Weird / Woman: "Dude! Did you see the version of Superman from India?"
/ Man: "Yeah! It's SOOOO ridiculous!" / Caption: [ There are two columns: "Things American Superman Does" and "Things Indian Superman Does." Both columns have a Superman who:
/ flies
/ breathes nothing in space
/ lifts anything
/ looks human; is alien
/ gets power from the yellow sun
/ has muscles; never exercises
/ sees through walls
/ shoots lasers from eyes
/ grows weak next to a particular rock
/ hears specific sounds at long distance
/ is invincible
/ freezes things with breath
/ lives forever
/ has telescopic vision
/ has microscopic vision.
/ However, the Indian Superman has one more thing:
/ dances. ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2165#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Oh no. My Internet connection failed." / Man: "DAMN YOU, I WAS ALMOST DONE MASTURBATING!" / Man: "Okay. Calm down. I'll just use my imagination to think about sex like people used to." / [ The man squeezes his eyes shut and thinks. He sees a blonde woman sitting in the corner of a dark and empty room ] / Woman: "Oh my God, you're back!"
/ Man: "But where has everyone gone?" / Man: "Where's cheerleader? Where's cute barista? WHERE'S PRINCESS ZELDA?!" / Woman: "Gone! GONE! They all left! You abandoned us, Steven!" / Woman: "WHY?! WHY?!" / Man: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" / [ The man has a shocked look on his face ] / [ He looks down ] / Man (thinking): "It was just a horrible dream. Just a horrible dream." / Man (thinking): "Now, back to my daily routine." / [ He reads on his computer screen "Remarkably Specific Porn" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2166#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: How to Infuriate a Math Major: / [ A line graph with an unlanbeled x-axis and a y-axis labeled "labeled axes on this graph" has a horizontal line at the one tick on the y-axis ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2167#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "DAMMIT BRIAN! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND KILLING ANTI-VACCINATIONISTS!"
/ Man: "Sorry Chief, but, correlation..." / Man: "IMPLIES CASUALTY." / Caption: Sadly, there are no action movies marketed toward skeptics. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2168#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "I couldn't sleep. I was trying to come up with an evolutionary explanation for why humans tend to be monogamous. From a gene perspective, it makes no sense in my models." / Header: Moments prior...
/ Woman (just coming home): "HANK! Why are you up at 3 AM?!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2169#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Batman: "That's not even a riddle. You aren't - OH GOD. Oh, I'm sorry...I didn't..." / Riddler: "Yeah, you DIDN'T." / [ Batman looks embarrassed ] / Header: Earlier...
/ [ Batman reads a note that says, "Did you remember my birthday?" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2170#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: You may think you lose a lot of time to online RPGs.
/ Man (thinking): "What the? Where the hell did twelve hours go?" / Header: That time isn't lost. It's STORED.
/ Woman: "Good. We just got half a day from unit 6.67428G." / Header: Stored for a day when all the systems administrators will strike.
/ Man #2: "What? An intelligence report on sysadmins fomenting revolution? They're all unathletic nerds!" / Header: In a single minute, they'll accomplish thousands of years of warfare.
/ Man #3: "Did you see a blur just woosh by?"
/ Man #4: "It...it looked like a fat bespectacled man in a ninja suit." / Header: Victorious, they shall withdraw in peace. But, not before making some changes.
/ Man #5: "The National Anthem is now the first three Star Wars movies, the capital is now SPACE, and storing files on a shared root directory is punishable by DEATH." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2171#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Every Problem on Earth in One Graph / [ A venn diagram has a red circle on the left that reads "people who can financially afford to contemplate the moment beyond now," a blue circle on the rights that reads "people who would do so given the opportunity," and a very slight, almost inperceptible purple overlap in the middle ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2172#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Know Your Trolls / Header: Unlawful evil: "Black Hat"
/ Woman: "HA! I switched your blood pressure medication with amphetamines! Have fun today!" / Header: Unlawful good: "White Hat"
/ Man: "I created a program that simulates an email scam. If you fall for it, the program drains your account for 24 hours, then refunds you completely and sends you a message calling you a bitch." / Header: Lawful evil: "Ass Hat"
/ [ A message on a computer reads "Sarah, it's your father! I'm not dead, and I love you. Click here." The link is to a picture of old man dancing naked ] / Header: Lawful good: "Dad Hat"
/ Dad: "Red? What's red? There are only two primary colors: blue and yelloe. What are you seeing?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2173#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Robot #1: "You look exactly the same! How do I know which is a robot and which is a secret human who must be deactivated!"
/ [ He holds a gun in his hand and is facing another robot and a human in a garbage can costume ] / Robot #1: "Quick! Whoever is the real Unit J0-4918.23.6234-111.2, say something only Unit J0-4918.23.6234-111.2 would say." / [ Robot #1 points the gun at the other robot ]
/ Robot #2: "010010010010000001100001011011010010000001101100011011110110111001100101011011000111100100100000011100110110111101101101011001010111010001101001011011010110010101110011." / [ Robot #1 points the gun at the human]
/ Man: "Uh...beep?" / [ Robot #1 shoots the human with the water gun ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2174#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Don't Marry a Philosopher
/ Man: "Honey, before I die, I have a confession. Since freedom of choice is meaningless in a deterministic reality, I never loved you in a way that you'd find existentially satisfying." / Header: Don't Marry a Scientist
/ Man #2: "Honey, before I die, I want you to know that there is no empirical difference between the atoms of living and non-living entities. So...don't think of this as 'goodbye,' think of this as 'none of it ever mattered.'" / Header: Don't Marry an Artist
/ Man #3: "I nailed a LOT of dumb college girls." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2175#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "It's not really fair that the decision of whether to buy a new video game system is restricted to you or I. I suggest we form a committee." / Woman: "No! This is like when you formed a committee for our sex life! Once you make something political, it's bound to become corrupt!"
/ Man: "Whoa, whoa! How dare you question the integrity of the sex committee?!" / Header: Earlier...
/ Man #2 (from the committee): "Foreplay has been canceled for the evening due to lack of energy, but we are confident sex can proceed as usual." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2176#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Everything Wrong with Political Discourse in One Graph: / [ A line graph with x-axis "knowledge" and y-axis "confidence in own viewpoints" rises sharply, then dips almost to the x-axis, and then rises again at a line labeled "maximum knowledge obtainable in a human lifespan ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2177#comic |
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