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| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Comedy Equation:
/ old joke + sadness = new joke / Header: A mushroom walk into a bar
/ [ A happy looking mushroom walks through a door ] / Header: The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind!"
/ [ The bartender points to the door with his thumb as the mushroom keeps smiling ] / Header: The mushroom says, "why not? I'm a FUN GUY."
/ [ The mushroom points to himself and grins while the bartender keeps scowling ] / Header: The mushroom is sad that he lives in a racist society.
/ [ The mushroom walks down the street frowning ] / Header: A horse walks into a bar.
/ [ A horse walks through the bar with his head held high ] / Header: The bartender asks, "why the long face?"
/ [ The bartender grins like a fool as the horses mouth falls open ] / Header: The horse didn't CHOOSE to look this way.
/ [ The horse holds his head in his hands and looks tortured as he sits at a table with a knocked over wine glass ] / Header: A man walks into a bar.
/ [ A jovial man smiles ] / Header: The man says, "ouch!"
/ [ The man hits his head on a metal bar ] / Header: The man's healthcare provider refuses to pay for the physical therapy.
/ [ The man sits in a wheelchair with a brace on his neck ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2178#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A girl types "We students shouldn't be bound by a ludicrous, arbitrary, insulting grading system, in which we're reduced to a single letter with a plus or minus sign!" ] / Teacher: "Great essay, Susie."
/ [ He hands her a paper with an "A+" on it ] / [ She looks at her paper ] / [ She sees the boy next to her with a "B" on his paper ] / Girl: "So what did YOU get, Bobby?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2179#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Brain: "Sorry, buddy. You're going to listen to me because I'm your frontal lobe. I took 3.7 billion years to evolve this level of intelligence. You HAVE to obey me." / Brain: "What the-"
/ [ A greenish liquid starts flowing in ] / Brain: "No! DAMMIT! I'm the only rational part of you!"
/ [ The brain is halfway covered in a sea of liquid ] / Brain: "No! NO! NOOOOO!"
/ [ The brain is almost drowning ] / Man: "It's okay. You can't get pregnant - I'm drunk!"
/ Woman: "Hooray!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2180#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Hey Jesus! Do that thing where you walk on water."
/ Jesus: "Oh! Okay, watch!" / Caption: We got Jesus to fall into an empty swimming pool on four separate occasions. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2181#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man (thinking): "Oh no. That old lady dropped her purse in the ambiguous zone!" / [ The man is standing in a blue circle labeled "appropriate to help" while the lady is standing inside a green ring labeled "ambiguous zone" where her purse has fallen. Beyond her is a red area labeled "inappropriate to help." ] / Man (thinking): "If I help her, I have to walk at her quickley for ten feet, and risk looking like a mugger." / Man (thinking): "But if I don't help and someone near me does, I'm a jerk!"
/ [ He's getting more flustered ] / Man (thinking): "AAH! THE PRESSURE IS TOO HIGH! AAAH! AAAH!" / Man (thinking): "Oh thank God. She got it herself without me making anybody uncomfortable." / Old woman (thinking): "Stay clam, Mavis. He's probably harmless."
/ [ She looks at the man, who is still shaking ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2182#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: After Creationists got stickers in biology textbooks, Existentialists demanded a sticker in every fairytale / [ A page in a book reads "and the good prince married the princess and they lived happily ever after." A sticker is placed directly underneath that reads "but, of course, everyone goes into death alone." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2183#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Good Thing: Someday, longevity will be discovered.
/ Man: "I'm gonna live forever!" / Header: Bad Thing: Imagine having to deal with an ancestor from the 13th century.
/ Old Man: "We need to put a sticker in every astronomy text! The Copernican view is JUST A THEORY!" / Header: Good Thing: If it's discovered in your lifetime, YOU get to be the crazy ancestor.
/ Man #2: "Great great great great great great great great grandpa! Stop using your ultraglasses to stare at my wife's boobs!"
/ Man #3: "That's how we did it in the 21st century, and I'm too old to change!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2184#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Economist Pickup Lines:
/ Man: "Hey baby. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would it improve your self esteem to a threshold at which you'd have no interest in me?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2185#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: It's strange booting up a computer you haven't touched for ten years.
/ Man: "Come on, baby. You can do it..." / Header: The computer's clock knows how long its been, but the computer still acts like its a decade ago.
/ Man: "Weird...why does my computer like so much crappy music? Oh...oh right." / Header: Like a puppy you had before going to boarding school, it still wants to do all the stuff you used to do together.
/ Computer: "Here's the porn you were illegally downloading! Can we get more?! Can we can we can we?!" / Header: Only it's worse at it, and you're less interested.
/ Computer: "Please wait. Your video will load in 15 to 20 minutes." / Header: Despite being a lifeless box, it provides you a snug blanket of nostalgia.
/ Man: "Oh man! These are the photos of me and Sally at the Grand Canyon!" / Header: You copy everything you want, and now the old box is obsolete. Even its memories are no longer unique.
/ [ The man holds a thumb drive while the CPU sits in a corner ] / Header: It hasn't changed, but specialness is not a conserved quantity, especially in the age of information.
/ [ The CPU sits in a pile of garbage ] / Header: And THAT is why, no matter what, nobody will ever be allowed to download my brain.
/ Woman: "But, what are you going to do with your brain before you die?"
/ Old Man: "Use it to give everyone the finger!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2186#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man (thinking): "Religion seems so wonderful. I just don't believe God would want me to have it." / Caption: Ever wonder why there are so many Jewish atheists? http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2187#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Oh, that's okay. I don't need your last words. I downloaded your brain just now, so I can predict your last words later. Anyway, good luck with death! I'd stay, but these Disneyland tickets are non-refundable." / Caption: Eventually, convenience will eat all worldviews. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2188#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: How "New Age" Philosophy Works / Woman: "You should pay me because I can teach you how, with the power of your mind, you can see across the entirety of time and space." / Man: "I dunno...I don't see how or why the brain would have an apparatus for that. Can you explain how it works?" / Woman: "What if, instead of explaining, I whispered 'quantum mechanics' and winked knowingly?" / Man: "SOLD!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2189#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "And now...a tribute to sex."
/ [ He stands in his underwear in front of three computers ] / Caption: I'm what you call a virtuoso masturbator. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2190#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The Wangularity is near / [ A line graph with x-axis "time" and y-axis "penis biomass (kg)" has an upward sloping line is near vertical at "entire Earth composed of penises" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2191#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Imagine Truth is a Sphere / Header: THis is what I used to think caused arguments
/ Man #1: "The sphere is all black!"
/ Man #2: "The sphere is all white!"
/ [ The sphere is black where it faces Man #1, white where it faces Man #2, and grey in the middle ] / Header: This is what I think now.
/ Man #1: "The sphere is all black!"
/ Man #2: "The sphere is all white!"
/ [ The men now have their backs to the sphere ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2192#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: So you want to end war? Here's how: start a company that manufactures roller skates.
/ [ A bomb has an X through it and next to it is a roller skate ] / Header: Offer to outfit the military with your product, then get rebuffed by Congress for such a ludicrous idea.
/ Man #1: "For too long, our boys overseas have marched in unwheeled footgear!"
/ Man #2: "Why would they ever want that?"
/ Man #1: "Damn your political doublespeak!" / Header: Have an editorial writer accuse Congress of failure to protect the troops.
/ [ The editorial reads, "Maybe it seems insane and stupid, but do we not face an insane and stupid enemy? An enemy we cannot let skate by." ] / Header: As media pressure mounts, point out the number of jobs created in each state.
/ Man #1: "Our skates are made via a needlessly convoluted sequence of 435 parts each built in a different Congressional distrcit." / Header: Congress will approve roller skates for every person in uniform.
/ Man #3: "As I have always said, we cannot let the enemy skate by." / Header: Some time soon, there will be trouble in Africa, South America, or the Middle East.
/ Woman: "We can't pronounce his name, but we can pronounce him a terrorist!" / Header: AS skates are worthless on all combat terrain, every battle will be lost.
/ Man #4: "What do you mean skates don't work on sand?! Skate harder!" / Header: Congress will refuse to acknowledge failure, which would mean giving up the skate industry's generous campaign funding.
/ Man #3: "Americans do not back down! This is an obligation from which we shall not skate!" / Header: The cycle will continue until no military remains.
/ Man #5: "Give me a status update on the armed forces."
/ Man #6: "Everyone quit, there's no money left, and nobody will lend to us. On the plus side, any invaders will literally be tripped up by the useless roller skates piling up around the nation." / Header: And the necessary will be portrayed as an informed choice.
/ Man #5: "America has always been a nation of peace." / Old Man: "And that's the only way to change the system."
/ Boy: "What if I just ran for Congress myself?"
/ Old Man: "Don't be so cynical!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2193#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Oh my God! Aliens are destroying the Metropolis Stock Exchange!" / [ A man who looks like Clark Kent runs into a phone booth ] / Man: "SELL! SELL !SELL!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2194#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A test questions reads, "Question 19: Cite two cause of the first world war." The answer reads, "The universal wavefunction and the boundary conditions of the universe." ] / Caption: Physicists are no longer allowed in history class. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2195#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: A lot of people think nerds lack empathy.
/ Man: "My dog died."
/ Nerd: "My hands have five fingers. What's your point?" / Header: It's not that we're nonempathetic. We're just goal-oriented.
/ Man #2: "My wife left me."
/ Nerd #2: "Solution: absorb tears with sodium polycarbonate, obviate love by removing caudal nucleus from brain."
/ Man #2: "I think I'll try dating."
/ Nerd #2: "How inefficient." / Header: It's usually good to be straightforward when you approach problems.
/ Man #3: "My fridge is croaking."
/ Nerd #3: "Compressor."
/ Man #3: "My wife is choking."
/ Nerd #3: "Compress 'er." / Header: But it doesn't prepare you to deal with other people.
/ Man #4: "Stop your technical crpa! Do you love me or not?!"
/ Nerd #4: "I don't believe in Boolean relationships." / Header: ...or with yourself.
/ Nerd #5 (thinking): "Oh my God. For most of eternity, I won't exist. That leaves two options: live forever or destroy the universe. Hm...I may have to quit my day job for this." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2196#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Gimme all your money or I'll kill you!"
/ Woman: "Take my purse! Take it!" / Man: "Oh, wow. There's a winning lottery ticket in here. I'm rich!" / Header: Soon...
/ [ The man still has his robber mask on and is living in luxury ]
/ Man (thinking): "I feel like I'm not contributing. It's time to turn toward philanthropy!" / Man: "Gimmie all your money or I'll make you feel the shame of privilege!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2197#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: What you hear.
/ Newscaster: "China may soon overtake the United States in scientific output."
/ [ The screen shows the country outline of China and a banner underneath that reads "Red Threat?" ] / Header: What's actually happening.
/ [ A line graph with x-axis "time" and y-axis "absolute number os paper per years" has a steady rising blue line labeled "USA" and a red line underneath labeled "China" that starts out much lower and rises slower, but then has a sharp increase so that it almost reaches the USA line ] / Header: How I decided to prove a point.
/ [ A naked man sits at his computer with the following on the screen:
/ run papergenerator.exe
/ paper 1: Proof of the equivalence of 2+2 and 4
/ paper 2: Proof of the equivalence of 2+3 and 5
/ paper 3: Proof of the equivalence of 2+4 and 6
/ proof 4: Proof of the equivalence of 2+5 and 7 / Header: How things went awry.
/ Newscaster: "Zach Weiner has overtaken the United States in scientific output. This year alone, Weiner may produce up to infinity papers!"
/ [ The screen shows a naked red headed man with a defiant look and the banner "Red Threat?" underneath ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2198#comic |
| Saturday Morning Brekafast Cereal | Man: "Hi. I'd like you to temporarily relax your standards in exchange for money."
/ Woman: "What? Creep." / Man: "Oh God! Sorry! That came out wrong." / Man: "Can I buy you a drink?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2199#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A man tells a story to scared little kids while in the dark with a flashlight illuminting his face ] / Caption: "And for the rest of the night, you'll wonder if she actually enjoyed sex or was just trying to avoid relationship conflict!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2200#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: FACT:
/ Normal sentence - Euphemism = Creepu / Man: "I'm sorry, I can't...I'm saving my penis for marriage." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2201#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man #1: "Ugh! I hate that phrase! The enemy of your enemy is NOT your friend. The enemy of your enemy is your ALLY." / Man #2: "What's the difference?"
/ Man #1: "Well, for example, you wouldn't invite the enemy of your enemy to an ice cream party." / [ Man #2 looks embarassed ] / [ Man #1 frowns ] / Header: Soon...
/ Man #2: "We're both opposed to comb-overs."
/ [ They sit next to a Nazi skin head at an ice cream party. ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2202#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "As long as we're capable of simulating reality, doesn't it seem likely that we're also in a simulated reality?" / Man: "Which means everything we feel or think or want is just...part of some...experiment." / Woman: "Which leaves us only one act of rebellion."
/ Man: "Ruin the experiment." / Alien #1: "Ohh! This one only took 14 billion years for everyone to moon us."
/ Alien #2: "A new record!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2203#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A line graph with x-axis "obviousness of that fact" and y-axis "difficulty of proving a mathematical fact" has a steady line that gradually increases and then shoots straight up. The highest point is labeled "prove that a set of elements contains the elements it contains." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2204#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Doctor: "Having inserted the aspiration needle into the vagina, I will now extract the ova from...AWWW...how'd you do that?"
/ Man: "I've been secretly injecting her with Xanthene dyes for the last three weeks." / Caption: Happy Easter! http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2205#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: What Usually Happens
/ Daughter: "MOMMY! My friends at school called my ugly."
/ Mom: "Oh, sweetie, no. You're beautiful." / Header: What Would Be Better
/ Daughter: "MOMMY! My friends at school called my ugly."
/ Mom: "Your friends are assholes." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2206#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Darwin: "Eat, fuck, fight!" / [ A cat tears bloody, raw meat off another animal ] / Darwin: "Eat, fuck, fight!" / [ The cat has sex with another cat ] / Darwin: "Eat, fuck, fight!" / [ The cat hisses at a smaller cat ] / Darwin: "Eat, fuck, f...hey. Why'd you stop listening to me?" / Cat: "Sorry Darwin...they just cut out my testicles. You have no further hold on me." / Darwin: "But...if you don't have me, you don't have a purpose in life...so..." / Header: Soon...
/ [ The cat is extremely fat and lying on his back ]
/ Cat: "Sooooo...haaaapppy..." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2207#comic |
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