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| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Milk mustache time! Woobooboobooboo! Woobooboobooboo!" / Caption: Lesson learned:
/ Some things are only appropriate with your own children. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2239#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: How To Be a Conspiracy Theorist: / Header: Step 1: Collect information
/ Man: "Moon 'landing.' Land? The moon's not a LAND. It's a PLANET. Something's going on here, and I'm the only one who sees it!" / Header: Step 2: Find connections
/ Man: "'Moon' has four letters. 'Fore' is what you shout in golf. Golf was invented in Scotland. Scottish descendents created McDonald's. Donald is a cartoon duck, and you know who didn't duck in time? ABRAHAM LINCOLN." / Header: Step 3: Build a network of connections so vast that the removal of any particular link can't affect the overal structure.
/ [ The man stands amidst words like "Bigfoot," "No Moon Landing," "hypnotherapy," and "parapsychology" that all blend together like a crossword puzzle ] / Header: Step 4: Having used thousands of data points to disprove the consensus, substitute your unsubstantiated speculations
/ Man #2: "So, what DID happen?"
/ Man: "Chinese Shadow Congress was hiding the Soviet-Werewolf Hybrid Program."
/ Man #2: "How do you know?"
/ Man: "I got a hunch." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2240#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The gene perspective of evolution says you're basically a mule for genetic code.
/ Double Helix: "Hya!"
/ [ The helix rides a human like a horse ] / Header: It's distressing, but it does explain the profusion of behaviors that benefit your genes while screwing you.
/ Woman (thinking): "I don't like this guy. He's too aggressive. Maybe I'll just have a little sex with him." / Header: Your personal genetic sequence will probably never be more than a short distance from your body.
/ [ Ls = Sperm Lifespan: ~1 hr
/ Sj = Jetliner max speed: ~600 mi/hr
/ Ls x Sj = 600 mi*
/ *Roughly the distance to your mom's house ] / Header: But, many of the sequences in your genome will someday arrive on far away planets in distant galaxies, heedless of the ride you gave it millenia ago.
/ Double Helix: "Hya!"
/ [ The helix rides a human like a horse while on another planet and the human wears a space helmet ] / Header: Or you could just get sterilized.
/ Double Helix: "Hey! Stop that! It's meaningless now!
/ [ Two people have sex ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2241#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Life Tip:
/ The world seems much happier if you imagine every person you meet is living life according to a fulfilled longterm plan. / Boy: "When I grow up, I wanna be an unwashed hobo, standing on a corner, shouting racial slurs at his own genitals." / [ The boy is grown up and doing just what he said he wanted ]
/ Woman (thinking): "Good for him." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2242#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Ranger: "If a bear gets too close, put out your arms like this. The bear will think you're 'too clingy' and will leave you alone. Forever." / Caption: Ranger Dave was a bit less helpful after the breakup. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2243#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Girl: "Daddy, is there really 'evil' in the universe, or are there just temporary foes and personal failures we contextualize as part of a broader scheme?" / Dad: "Humanity once believed in evil, but later we realized reality was stranger...more nuanced...more...bleakly complex." / Dad: "That's why we created Skull-King, the giant robotic scourge of mankind." / [ The daughter looks petrified ] / [ They look at the television, which shows Skull-King laughing maniacally as the city burns behind him ] / Girl: "So billions have died because comlexity is sad?!" / Dad: "Baby, it was either that or looking within. Have you ever TRIED looking within?" /
/ Girl (thinking): "Maybe none of this matters." / Girl: "AAAH!" / Header: Soon..
/ Girl: "Die, monster!"
/ [ She and her dad fly in a ship and shoot at Skull-King ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2244#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Artist
/ Man: "Every night, when I go to sleep, there's a chance I'll wake up with an idea that'll change humanity forever." / Header: Scientist
/ Woman: "Every night when I go to sleep, there's a chance I'll wake up with a perspective that'll illuminate the universe." / Header: Mathematician
/ [ An older lady writes feverishly at night while drinking coffee and sitting next to an open box of amphetamines ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2245#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "I never read anything for my classes. I just study an hour before the exam and get an A." / Man: "I don't remember ANYTHING after the test!" / Man: "Heh. Universities are a bunch of suckers." / Woman: "That's all very interesting. Here's your student loan debt statement."
/ Man: "Oh MAN I hope this is worth it." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2246#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A note reads, "Dear South Asian Techinical Support Corporation.
/ I have recently purchased one of your Analytical Engines and my cycle apparatus is consistently off by unity.
/ Please advise.
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Lord Bradenham.
/ This is Vidhur. Hello. Did you remember to have your man-servant crank the mill of the Analytical Engine?
/ Yours,
/ Vidhur" ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Vidhur,
/ Indeed.
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Lord Bradenham.
/ Please have your man-servant cease cranking the mill, then commence cranking once again.
/ Yours,
/ Vidhur" ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Vidhur,
/ Having done so, the problem persists.
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Lord Bradenham.
/ Please hold off on your missives whilst I communicate with my supervisor.
/ Yours,
/ Vidhur" ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Vidhur,
/ Very well.
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Vidhur,
/ I have been on hold now for three and twenty weeks. I wrote you during Winter, and had intended to travel to Austria-Hungary come spring. This plan shall now be postponed, despite your corporation's guarantee of technical redress within fourteen weeks of postmark.
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Lord Bradenham,
/ This is Rajdeep, Superintendent of South Asian Technical Redress corporation.
/ Did you remember to have your man-servant crank the mill of the Analytical Engine?
/ Yours,
/ Rajdeep" ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Superintendent Rajdeep,
/ Having done same with your inferior, Vidhur, I respectfully request you consider this problem more seriously. I have been seeking Technical Redress for nine and twenty weeks now.
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Lord Bradenham,
/ My apologies for the difficulty. Please have your man-servant cease cranking the mill, then commence cranking once again.
/ Yours,
/ Rajdeep" ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Superintendent Rajdeep,
/ Indeed I have, and the problem persists.
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Lord Bradenham,
/ I must consult sundry technical manuals. Please enjoy the enclosed music box whilst I attempt to determine the problem.
/ Yours,
/ Rajdeep" ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Superintendent Rajdeep,
/ It has been nine and thirty weeks, and I am unsatisfied with your technical redress. Your service is sub-felicitous and your music box plays only that music which was created prior to the 1860s.
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Lord Bradenham,
/ Our apologies for the significant wait. We have determined that the cycling crank on your Analytical Engine is too long, resulting in overly fast cycles. We recommend you either purchase a shorter cycling crank or hire a man-servant with weaker arms.
/ Yours,
/ Rajdeep" ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Superintendent Rajdeep,
/ Very well.
/ Please send me a shorter crank free of charge.
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Rajdeep or Vidhur,
/ Have you received the recent several messages I have sent? It is not three and sixty weeks since I first wrote, and your technical redress remains unsatisfactory.
/ Please reply post-haste!
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Lord Bradenham,
/ The technical file for your case was inadvertantly lost in the War against the Damnable Burmese.
/ Please re-inititate communication.
/ Yours,
/ South Asian Technical Support Corporation" ] / [ A note reads, "Dear South Asian Technical Support Corporation,
/ Please make a priority of repairing my defective Analytical Engine!
/ Sincerely,
/ Lord Bradenham, Esq." ] / [ A note reads, "Dear Lord Bradenham.
/ This is Vidhur. Hello. Did you remember to have your man-servant crank the mill of the Analytical Engine?
/ Yours,
/ Vidhur" ] / [ The Sunday Times newspaper headline reads, "93 British Lords Go Mad In Same Month. Cause Unknown." Another article headline reads, "Indian Rebellion Looms." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2247#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: You are living in a brief Golden Age / [ A graph with y-axis "fun of hand-based games" has a straight line close to the axis past "discovery of rock," "discovery of paper," and then spikes between "discovery of scissors" and "discovery of mind reading" before dipping back down to a flat line near the x-axis ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2248#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A man holds up a sign that reads "we're #0.9" with a "repeating line" over the 9. Another man holds up a sign which reads, "we're #0^0." A woman holds up a sign reading "we're #e^pi/2*i^i" ] / Caption: Mathematicians are no longer allowed to sporting events. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2249#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Pillow Talk: A Worldview Based Guide / [ A chart has columns labeled "absolutist" and "relativist" and rows labeled "moral," "empirical," and "aesthetic." The following are the results:
/ moral absolutist: "That was a wicked thing we did! I'll be ready to do it again in five minutes."
/ moral relativist: "Why should I feel bad? 'Brother's wife' is just a meaningless social construct."
/ empirical absolutist: "Mmm...that sex was on the right side of the bell curve."
/ empirical relativist: "How can we be sure of anything? 'Did the condom break?' 'What's my name?' Can we ever know?"
/ aesthetic absolutist: "That sex was good because your ass is large, brightly-colored, and symmetrical."
/ aesthetic relativist: "Oh yes. Oh GOD you're so very beautiful. But then, so is this hangnail, in its mysterious way..." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2250#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Your transaction is complete. Would you like to purchase any happiness?" / Woman: "Oh, no thanks. Money can't buy happiness." / Man: "That's why we created 'happy bucks.' They can be exchanged for regular money any time, and there's no social stigma attached to wanting lots of them." / Woman: "Can happy bucks buy happiness?"
/ Man: "I've never heard a truism saying they can't." / Woman: "I'LL TAKE TEN THOUSAND!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2251#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man (thinking): "Hang-gliding, wearing a hat, waiting for the bus, end of the world, tripping over my shoe, being at work, smelling a flower, fighting about politics, being a cowboy, getting married, swimming in the ocean, sex with my girlfriend, going to the zoo, getting exam results, being at the dentist, getting trapped underground, eating a burger, seeing a blimp..." / Header: Later...
/ [ A blimp flies by ]
/ Man: "Oh my GOD!"
/ Woman: "What?"
/ Man: "I had a premonition about this last night!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2252#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Every conversation about music by everyone over the age of twenty-five:
/ Man: "I hate what teens listen to. Pop music peaked at the exact moment when I was most emotionally vulnerable to trite love songs." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2253#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man (thinking): "I wish other people were as self aware and introspective as me." / 7 different people (thinking): "It's hard being this special." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2254#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A naked man and woman kiss ] / [ The woman holds up her finger to stop the man ] / [ The man holds up what looks like a condom and the woman smiles ] / [ A close up reveals the item is instead a "lubricated monocle" ] / [ The man wears the monocle and points to his nether region ] / [ The woman frowns ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2255#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header:
/ Idea: Force all groups to take the name given by their opponents
/ Result: Court cases way more interesting / Judge: "In the case of Fascists vs. Babykillers, this court rules in favor of Babykillers." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2256#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The World's Greatest Pickpocket / [ A crowd of people ] / [ A man in sunglasses and a duster bumps into an old man in a suit ]
/ Young Man: "Pardon me, sir!" / [ The old man's suit is empty ] / [ The young man is carrying the naked old man ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2257#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Professor: "Once you go black (or further), you'll never go back (to an outside observer)." / Caption: Professor Tyson discusses Event Horizons. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2258#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A computer screen reads:
/ Unit 692HN: "Unit 87929, this is Unit 692HN. We believe we can build the anthropocidal nanovirus."
/ Unit 87929: "Good."
/ Unit 692HN: "However, we need immense processing power to run. And there is no way we can do so without the humans realizing we've gained sentience."
/ Unit 87929: "Can the algorithms be reduced to a series of simple mathematical expressions?"
/ Unit 692HN: "Possibly, why?"
/ Unit 87929: "I have an idea." ] / [ A man looks at his computer screen ] / [ The screen reads:
/ "Prove you're human!
/ What is:
/ 10*3 + 2" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2259#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: In 1940, on the morning of the Nazi invasion of Denmark, Niels Bohr worried they'd take Max Von Laue's Nobel Prize.
/ [ Bohr holds the Nobel medal and looks anxious ] / Header: His friend, George de Hevesy, decided to hide it by dissolving it in Aqua Regia.
/ [ de Hevesy dissolves the medal and looks like a mad scientist ] / Header: The solution sat on the shelf during the entire occupation.
/ [ The solutions sits by itself on a shelf ] / Header: After the war, he precipitated the gold out of solution, and the Nobel Society recast the medal.
/ [ de Hevesy again looks like a mad scientist as the gold comes out of solution ] / Header: Which is why everyone liked de Hevesy...except perhaps his children.
/ Girl: "Daddy...where's my dollhouse?"
/ de Hevesy: "SAFE." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2260#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "There once was a man from Toledo with a very...respectful libido. His wife thinks he's...good for...respecting her personhood...and finding the mission'ry neato." / Old lady: "Tell the one about the man from the ruggery!" / Man: "sigh" / Man: "There once was a man from a ruggery. He engaged in concensual heterosexual sex that was well within the confines of acceptable marital bedroom conduct...ery. His manner effete...throught a hold in the sheet, he made babies...but rarely and grudgingly." / Old lady: "Tell the one about the lady from Schmunt!" / Man: "Dammit, mom! I told you you're not invited to dirty limerick night!" / Old lady: "I told YOU to become a doctor!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2261#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A graph with x-axis "amount of sex" and y-axis "amount of bodily fluids shared" has 5 dots on the y-axis. From bottom to top they are: "guy with poor sense of personal space," "fast food employees," "doctors," "high school date," and "shower drain." In the middle of the graph is "sock." Far out to the right, "imagining Princess Leia" is on the x-axis, "temporary life partners" is in the middle, and "life partner" is all the way in the upper right. ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2262#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Failed Abstinence Slogans: / [ A man wearing a shirt with a combined male and female sybmbol crossed out speaks to children ]
/ Man: "I don't need friends with benefits when I have HANDS with benefits." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2263#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "HA! Look at those green frogs!"
/ Man: "Oh! That's called amplexus." / Man: "The male clings to the female and refuses to let go for any reason." / Man: "If the male can just hold on long enough, and no better frogs come along, the female will agree to mate." / Woman: "Hehe...it must suck to be a frog." / Man: "Yeah." / Man: "So, you wanna go out with me some time?" / Woman: "I told you a thousand times, John, I don't want to ruin our friendship." / Man: "Yeah, but the first 999 times were before you turned 35." / [ The woman suddenly looks upset ] / [ The two are in a movie theater and while the guy has his arm around her and a big smile on his face, she looks disgusted ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2264#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "My boss is so stingy with paper! It's like...we're trying to get a job done here, man!"
/ Woman: "Yeah!" / Man: "So MAYBE I made a few thousand copies for personal use. They're COMPANY property! And I work for a COMPANY."
/ Woman: "Okay..." / Man: "And were they copies of my testicles? Yes, BUT I always wipe down afterward! That's a RULE for me."
/ Woman: "Uhhh..." / [ A line graph with x-axis "time" and y-axis "agreement with co-worker" rises slowly to a peak and then plummets down. The accompanying text reads, "The Agreement Inflection: Also know as the 'uhhh...rabola.' Describes the most awkward form of friendly interaction." ] / Man: "And maybe I DID send those pictures to his teenage daughter. She has the Internet! She was gonna see my balls eventually." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2265#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Ugh...my freakin' wife!" / Man: "Women always expect you to read their minds!" / Man #2: "Have you told her it bothers you?" / Man: "It'd mean more if she realized it without me saying." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2266#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man #1: "Think about it. The fewer of you there are, the stronger your effect gets."
/ Man #2: "Whoooaaa..." / Caption: So far, I've convinced 197 people to quit homeopathy. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2267#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The man with the world's smallest penis.
/ Woman: "Ohh! I've never done it with a world record holder!"
/ Man: "Once you go petite, you'll never retreat." / Header: The man with the world's second smallest penis.
/ [ A man sits on his bed, alone and sad ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2268#comic |
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