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| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Why I Worry About Extended Longevity / Header: Before
/ Shakespeare: "This work...shall be my immortality." / Header: After
/ Man: "Living forever...shall be my immortality." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2299#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "It's called 'conspicuous consumption.' Thorstein Veblen proposed it in 1899." / Man: "The basic idea is that people spend wastefully and publicly to gain social status." / Woman: "So they put all this wasted effort into pointless things just for status?"
/ Man: "Yes." / Woman: "I'm glad we academics don't have that sort of problem."
/ Man: "I wouldn't know. I spend all of my time reading books that are too obscure for other people." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2300#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Alien Blob: "Bobby, my goodness! This universe has been left out so long there are BRAINS growing in it! Clean it out!" / Caption: Fortunately, humans will never know why the Universe ended. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2301#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The aliens believed they were the center of the Universe.
/ Alien: "Greetings, humans. We are the Zorblaxians: chosen people of the multiverse maker." / Header: We disagreed.
/ Man: "Oh, HA! We got over that chauvinism long ago. Each tribe believed it was central, but was wrong. We thought the Earth was central and that was wrong. We thought this galaxy was central, and that was wrong." / Header: It turned out that their experience had been different from ours.
/ Alien: "See how the entire universe forms a wheel with spokes that meet in the center at Zorblax Prime? Also, when you combine the rhythms of all pulsar emissions and express them as musical tones, it forms the Zorblaxian National Anthem. Oh! And starting at the 3^5^7^11^13^17th digit of pi, there's a code that translates to "hooray for Zorblax." / Header: This was sad, but briefly hopeful.
/ Man #2: "Can...can we join you?"
/ Alien: "Oh, sorry...our religion only allows us to ally with ensouled creatures." / Header: After they left, humanity felt empty. Alone. Devoid of purpose.
/ Woman #1: "They're gone. And we're nothing."
/ Woman #2: "And all they left us was these 'Zorblax is #1' foam hands." / Header: Having collectively hit rock bottom, we decided as a group to give our lives meaning.
/ Man #3: "I'm announcing a radical shift in our economy. No more war. No more waste. We shall orient our entire society around science and technology, and we shall claim our manifest destiny!" / Header: And within a few thousand years...we did it.
/ Earth: "Suck it, Zorblax!
/ [ Earth has thrusters so it could move toward Zorblax and a laser to shoot and destroy the planet ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2302#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ At the bottom of a continuous circle, a man puts toothpaste on his toothbrush; then checks his computer; eats breakfast; drives to work; looks drowsy at his work computer; looks more alert; looks drowsy again; drives; eats dinner; watches television; showers; and goes to sleep. All of those pictures were in gray, but the sleeping man dreams in color of a scary face, flying, sex, and a flaming skull ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2303#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ People bow to an atomic bomb ]
/ Man: "Your people worship atomic bombs?" / Man #2: "Yes." / Man: "Atom bombs destroyed the world! They're why civilization is gone and everyone's sick and the crops are all dead!" / Man: "Say...speaking of crops...what's for dinner tonight?" / Man #2: "Jello and snack cakes." / Man: "ALL HAIL THE BOMB!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2304#comic |
| Saturday morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: When Superman started out, he saved dozens of lives every day.
/ Superman: "Stop, crook!" / Header: The people were grateful.
/ [ He holds the Key to the City ] / Header: But soon it was realized that he could be saving many more lives.
/ Woman: "Instead of stopping criminals, how avout you transport loads of grain to starving people?"
/ Superman: "Oh. Okay..." / Header: We sought out better and better life-saving techniques.
/ Man: "New plan: use your strength to plow farmland in impoverished countries. Economists think that's better longterm."
/ Superman: "But-"
/ Man: "Every second of quibbling is another dead baby." / Header: Finally, we found maximum efficiency.
/ Man #2: "We need you to crank this magnet as fast as possible. The energy it generates will be so cheap that EVERYONE can enjoy a Western standard of living."
/ Superman: "Seems...a bit...monotonous."
/ Man #2: "Oh, that reminds me. Keep your speed constant at all times." / Header: This began to wear on the hero.
/ Superman: "I kinda miss fighting crime."
/ Man #3: "You know what I miss? Food. That's what they'll say in Bangladesh if you stop." / Header: But society advanced rapidly on cheap, clean energy.
/ [ Somalia is now beautiful and advanced ] / Header: Scientists discovered a problem.
/ Man #4: "By out calculations, we will hit peak Superman here."
/ Voice: "When's that?"
/ Man #4: "When Superman dies of exhaustion." / Header: We collectively transitioned to clean energy, making Superman an obsolete power source.
/ Woman #2: "You've been replaced."
/ Superman: "By what?"
/ Woman #2: "Muons. Don't you read the news?" / Header: By then, society was so improved that crime was nonexistent, making Superman an obsolete person.
/ Superman: "Stop, crook!"
/ Old Woman: "Oh, no, he's giving me a free purse and ski mask."
/ Man #5: "I'm keepin' it warm with my face!" / Header: He tried to get a job, but his resume was a bit thin.
/ [ His resume reads, "Superman:
/ 1939-1947: Reporter, Daily Planet
/ 1947-present: Moving arms up and down constantly" ] / Header: He spent his last few years as a greeter for the Smithsonian Museum of Superheroes.
/ Superman: "Welcome! My super-hearing tells me you need directions to the restroom!" / Header: The exhibit of his body was much more popular.
/ [ Tourists line up to see his body labeled, "Superman: A Transitional Power Source" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2305#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ Evolution leads to a man reading, "Paleo-cloning," whihc leads to all of the creatures before partying together ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2306#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: How Arguments Work in Your Head
/ Man: "Your arguments are flawless. You've overturned my ignorance. Thank you, sir." / Header: How Arguments Work in Reality
/ Man #2: "MY ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE IS LOUD!"
/ Man: "MINE IS LOUDER!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2307#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Priest: "Just imagine how fine-tuned the universe is! Why, if there weren't just the right composition of elements in Earth, we might not have tectonic plates! And then there'd hardly be any earthquakes at all!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2309#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A man sits at his computer and types, "...you can't believe in evolution AND believe homosexuality is genetic." ] / [ He continues to type, "...Why would gay genes persist? As we all know, all human beings ever born are optimized for heterosexual procreation." ] / [ He finishes by typing, "...Anyway, my RPG just finished downloading. No more blogs for two weeks. Mom, if you're reading this, STAY OUT OF MY ROOM." ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2310#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "I can't get any of the boys in algebra to do their freakin' homework!" / Man: "Why don't you sleep on it? I have a feeling things'll turn around." / Header: Later...
/ [ She sleeps as the man creeps out of the room ] / [ He writes on her papers ] / Header: The following week...
/ Woman: "WOW! Every one of you got 100% correct! Any reward you want, it's yours!" / [ All of the boys have big grins on their faces ] / Woman: "So...candy, or..." / [ The paper reads, "8x + 0.5x = 12. Solve for x." But there is a handwritten "se" before the "x" ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2311#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: For years, we told ourselves this was the best of all possible worlds.
/ Woman: "It's not bad that we disagree. Having someone who just yessed everything I said would be boring." / Header: But when robotic technology advanced to the point of creating humanoids, it turned out we were all just victims of a sort of species-wide Stockholm Syndrome.
/ Woman: "i don't want to go out tonight."
/ Man: "Nor do I." / Woman: "THIS IS AMAZING." / Header: The sudden profusion of split-ups was remarkably amicable.
/ Woman and Man: "My ideal partner and I think you and i should divorce."
/ [ She's with a manbot named Adam and he's with a girlbot names Eve ] / Header: People were so happy, they grew complacent.
/ Man: "So I said, why learn more physics? It won't get me a sexier mate." / Header: The robotics industry began producing humanoids of lower and lower quality.
/ Man: "Honey, what do you want for-"
/ Girlbot: "YES-YES."
/ Man: "I feel like you're not so much agreeing as repeating-"
/ Girlbot: "YES-YES." / Header: Society began to disintegrate, until the humanoid robots were banned.
/ Man #2: "From now on, you must EARN love by excelling at art, science, commerce, or any of the other myriad proxies for sexual fitness humanity has invented." / Header: By the time things returned to normal, we had survived, but were forever scarred by our fall from grace.
/ Man #3: "Sweetie. Wanna see a movie tonight?"
/ Woman #2: "Nope." / Man #3: "There is no hell. We're already in it."
/ Woman #2: "Boorinnng." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2312#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Mom: "Honey, Susie's feeling a little blue. Can you bring her an apple juice popsicle?" / Dad: "Hey, sweetie. What's the matter?"
/ Daughter: "Once we understand how reality works, what are the odds that it'll be something humans find satisfying?" / [ The dad pauses ] / [ The dad sits outside on the grass, eating the popsicle, with a worried look on his face ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2313#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Stop being unhappy! There are people who have it worse than you!" / Man #2 (to Man): "Stop being unhappy! There are people who have it worse than you!" / Man #3 (to Man #2): "Stop being unhappy! There are people who have it worse than you!" / [ In a vicious cycle, everyone tells someone else, "Stop being unhappy! There are people who have it worse than you!" ] / Man #4: "Wait. I'm the least fortunate man on Earth. So, I automatically win every pissing contest?"
/ [ He is living in nuclear waste, on fire, and has a pole sticking out of his head ]
/ Man #5: "Yep." / Man #4: "This is the happiest day of my life." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2314#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Bad ass activity #42: Using catch-phrases for unimportant occurrences / Woman: "Honey, could you wash some utensils before dinner?" / Man: "Oh...I was bound to..." / Man: "SPOONER OR LATER." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2315#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "May I interest you in some rough sex?" / Header: Later...
/ Woman: "You're having sex with my dresser."
/ Man: "That's ROUGHLY where you are!" / [ The woman scowls ] / Man: "Also, my penis is full of splinters now." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2316#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Of course."
/ [ He reads a piece of paper that reads "CAT-GAG" ] / Caption: The gene sequence for hairballing was beautiful in its simplicity. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2317#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Daughter: "Hello, dad. Since I have so much time on my hands, I've decided to become sexually active, beginning with a boy who will come over for dinner often, and whose political views are so wildly naive, you'll want to strangle him with his own Che Guevara t-shirt." / Caption: Sally convinced me to buy her that new video game. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2318#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "I love you."
/ Woman: "No you don't." / Woman: "You're a temporary holographic representation of my husband. I'll be making use of you while he's away for the weekend." / Man: "But...I FEEL like I'm really your husband." / Woman: "That's your main appeal." / Man: "But if I feel like him, and I can think too...I mean...don't I have any moral standings?"
/ Woman: "No." / Woman: "You're not an evolved being. The fact that you have any self-preserving impulse is just because I copied it over along with a broader suite of personality traits." / Man: "But-"
/ Woman: "Listen, you're only gonna exist for another 47.99 hours. We can either make use of your enhanced sexual prowess for your entire lifetime, or we can talk metaphysics till we're sad." / Man: "Yeah." / [ The woman stares ] / Husband: "Hey honey!"
/ Woman: "Sweetie! You're home early." / Husband: "I see you've made a sexy duplicate of me. Naughty. Shall we all go to the bedroom?" / Woman: "I dunno. I'm starting to wonder if creating then deactivating a virtual mind is morally equivalent to murder." / Husband: "Hmm...just a moment." / [ He lowers the "critical thought" on the "active halos: wife. self" ] / Husband: "Sex?"
/ Man and Woman: "Sex!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2319#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Normal Person
/ Man: "Hooray, gambling!"
/ [ He stands with empty pockets ] / Header: Math Enthusiast
/ Man #2: "GAMBLING?! I GUESS YOU HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF STATISTICS?!' / Header: Mathematician
/ Man #3: "Hooray, gambling!"
/ [ He has a ton of chips ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2320#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Hey! If you dropped dead tomorrow, I wouldn't even THINK about going to your funeral!" / Woman #2: "Hm?" / Woman: "S-Sally?" / Woman #2: "My name's Rachel." / Header: Normal Person
/ Woman: "Oh my God. I am SO sorry." / Header: Geek
/ Woman: "Technically my statement is still valid!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2321#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: And again the boy cried wolf, and we came, but there was no wolf.
/ [ The boy grins as everyone around him frowns ] / Header: And again the boy cried wolf, and we came, but there was no wolf.
/ [ The boy grins as everyone around him frowns ] / Header: Until one day there really was a wolf and nobody came.
/ [ The boy looks scared as a wolf bares its teeth ] / President: "Why don't people care about the new crisis?!"
/ Man: "Let's face it, Mister President: the citizens are lazy." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2322#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Old Man: "When I was growing up, things were better! You didn't have to work hard just to pay bills! You could poop wherever you liked and people would clean it up! And whenever you screamed, someone put boobs in your face, and FOOD came out of them." / Caption: All false nostalgia is essentially the same. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2323#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Daughter: "You. People. Are. Disgusting." / Dad: "What was that about?" / Mom: "I was tired, and accidentally read her the "Where Do Babies Come From" picture book backward." / [ The man frowns ] / [ The man raises his eyebrows ] / Daughter: "So...the mommy eats a baby with her vagina and then she and daddy celebrate with sex?!"
/ Mom: "Hm? Er...yeah...partyyyyyy..." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2324#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Why I have no friends, reason #1729:
/ Unimpressive Mindblowing Facts / Woman: "Did you know that the word 'recursion' contains the word 'recursion' in ITSELF?"
/ Woman #2: "Whoooa! That's amaz...you're an asshole." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2325#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A baby cries in his mother's arms as the dad smiles nearby ] / Caption: Babies don't shout "waaahhh!" when they're little. / They shout "whyyyyy!?" / You can't tell because they can't pronounce the hard "y" sound, but they're in a complete existential crisis. / It takes 2 to 3 years before they finish their period of utter madness, at which point their brains are completely empty, and you can start teaching them about counting and animal noises. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2326#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: I found out my cat was dying.
/ [ A cat lays on a vet's table ] / Header: He'd spent his whole life loafing around in a hedonistic haze.
/ [ The cat lays on the floor ] / Header: So I decided to give him the highlights of an ideal feline life in his final days.
/ [ The man picks the cat up by the scruff of his neck ] / Header: I tossed him in a ballpit of small, flightless birds.
/ Man: "Godspeed, you fluffy little murderer." / Header: I gave him every domesticated cat's sexual fantasy.
/ Man: "50 bucks and my cat gets to stud with a tigress."
/ Man #2: "Done."
/ Man: "How much for two tigresses?" / Header: I had him chase a laser, then led him to a ball of red fluff I put on the floor.
/ Man: "You're the first cat to ever actually catch the laser!" / Header: When he died, it occurred to me that he had no sense of his own mortality, perhaps no sense of his own existence. This led to a profound realization.
/ Man: "Why, he...he was in heaven all along." / Header: Also this.
/ Man (thinking): "I guess he won't mind if I bury him in this dumpster." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2327#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man (thinking): "Why is that woman scowling at me? Do I know her?" / Caption: If she loves you more each and every day, by linear regression she hated you before you met. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2328#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "What do you see in the clouds?" / Woman #2: "This is stupid! Everyone knows clouds are random moisture blobs. Claims of shapes are just reflections of what's on the mind of the claimer." / [ Both women lay back down on the grass and stare up at the sky ] / Woman: "I see a bitch." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2329#comic |
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