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| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: What if scientists had the same standards as pundits? / Man: "But, how do you know the Earth is a cube?"
/ Man #2: "Well, I thought it once, then I thought it again. That's two data points right there." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2330#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The treatode infects a horn snail, castrates it, and uses its body to reproduce.
/ [ A snail is being infected ] / Header: There, it releases cercariae, which attach to killifish and burrow toward their brains.
/ [ A fish has one attached to its brain ] / Header: Once on the brain, they cause the fish to shimmy and flash their shiny sides upward.
/ Fish #1: "Why you doin' that, Frank?"
/ Fish #2 (showing off his shiny side): "Because it's awesome." / Header: This gets the parasite to its ultimate goal: The gut of a predatory bird.
/ Fish #2 (as a gull tries to eat him): "What're the odds?!" / Header: From there, they are excreted back into the water to infect snails.
/ Trematode (falling back into the water from the gull's excrement): "Hahahaha! Everything is as I foresaw it!" / Header: What happens to the killifish isn't strange in nature. In fact, it may be common.
/ [ A complex evolutionary drawings has various creatures linked to others ] / Header: Since humans are atop their food chain, it's not clear that we're subject to the same sort of manipulations. Though...sometimes I wonder about astrophysicists.
/ Man #1: "These send signals to space so aliens can find us!"
/ Man #2: "Awesome!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2331#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Look! This vein of silica forms a naturally occurring piece of optical fiber! If you put something on it, you can see its image at the other end, 40 meters away!" / Woman: "I wonder what strange magic the ancient people thought it held..." / header: 50,000 years earlier...
/ [ A cavewoman in a dress stands over one end of the fiber ]
/ Caveman: "Okay, stand right there for a second. I need to go grab something." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2332#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Dear Lord...Father Gerald says masturbation is bad, but I'm not sure. I'm going to watch some wholesome ladies volleyball now, and if you want me to masturbate, just give me a sign." / Header: Next Sunday...
/ Man: "And all of a sudden, my penis QUADRUPLED in size!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2333#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: We realized there was a lot of anger in the workplace.
/ Man: "STAY OUT OF MY CUBE! IT'S ALL I HAVE!" / Header: So we made a recreation room with punching bags hooked to dynamos.
/ [ A man punches one of the bags ] / Header: Within weeks, we were generating so much energy, we could sell it back to the state.
/ Woman (pointing to a spike in energy creation): "This is when we implemented the new dress code." / Header: During an economic downturn, many people were anxious about layoffs, which led to more anger and more energy just as sales were faltering.
/ Woman #2: "My job is pointless AND I'm losing it!?" / Header: Anger energy became more and more important to our bottom line.
/ Woman #3: "Hey Sam - sales are down this month. Could you tell accounting we need handwritten versions of all their spreadsheets?" / Header: The profits were staggering. When the National Cost of Conventional Energy rose, so did rage. Supply and price increased simultaneously.
/ [ A line graph shows "price of gas," "rage," and "profit" all increasing together at the same rate ] / header: Having run a large company for decades, we were Hxperts in the creation of internalized anguish.
/ Woman #4: "I don't care that you were right! I just want you to apologize for pointing it out!" / Header: Like cows being fed milk-producing diets, our employees were given pure anger fuel.
/ [ Employees read a flier which reads, "Saturday! Company picnic!!! (Attendance is mandatory) (Bring your work with you)" ] / Header: They think they're "developing business consultation solutions," but there's no such thing. Of course, most of them eventually realize they're in a purgatorial nightmare.
/ Man #2: "I DO NOTHING FOR NOTHING BECAUSE NOTHING. WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?!" / Header: The others, we fire.
/ Man #3: "But I'm so happy working here!"
/ Man #4: "We think you may have psychological problems." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2334#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Sex Technique #2718:
/ "The Ferrous Phallus" / Header: 1. Take a condom and carefully cut jagged slits on each side of the wrapper / Header: 2. When the time comes, grab the modified condom. / Header: 3. Without removing the wrapper, hold it high above your head dramatically. / Header: 4. Bring it down at top speed onto your weiner.
/ Man: "KYYYAAAA!" / Header: 5. Enjoy the ensuing shock and awe.
/ Woman: "Did you just explode that condom onto your penis?"
/ Man: "Why? How did your previous boyfriends do it?" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2335#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "Stop staring at me, creep!" / Old Man #1: "I'm not looking at you out of attraction." / Old Man #1: "The smile I'm wearing isn't for you. It's for the thought that even as time stretches on, there will always be pretty girls in the summertime." / Old Man #1: "It's no more sexual than my delight in the reddening of autumn leaves. It's just as sublime, only...warmer." / [ The woman kisses the old man on the cheek ] / [ The woman walks away, smiling ] / [ The old man grins ] / Old Man #1: "Her left boob touched my shoulder."
/ Old Man #2: "Dammit. What's the score?"
/ Old Man #1: "10-6. Game point, mother fucker." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2336#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "The world is worse now?! Science is better. Tolerance is more widespread. Lifespans are-"
/ Old Man: "Oh, sorry. You should know, I've decided to identify all change as social decay." / Caption: I plan to be a self-aware old man. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2337#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: What you thought
/ Boy (thinking): "This anarchy shirt is gonna blow my parents' minds." / Header: What your parents thought
/ Dad (thinking): "Heeheehee! A 14-year old with a political ideology!"
/ Mom (thinking): "This is SO CUTE. I wonder if he'll mind if we take pictures..." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2338#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Why I Won't Join Your Movement: / [ A line graph with x-axis "members of a group," left y-axis "averagae IQ," and right y-axis "percent assholes" has a blue line start very high on the left y-axis and drop drastically with more members. There is also a red line that starts very low at the left and rises to very high on the right with more members ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2339#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Parrot: "RAAHHHK! My trained use of words and phrases in appropriate context is not fundamentally different from human communication which is ascribed to consciousness! RAAHHHK!" / Caption: The philosophy department is no longer allowed to keep pets. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2340#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Boy: "Grampa...how'd you get so ollld?" / Grampa: "Well..." / [ The grampa as a young man strolls along a street ] / [ He stops as two creatures - one green and one purple - stop him ] / [ The green creature is "Nature" and the purple is "Nurture" ] / [ Nature pokes the man's eyes ] / [ The man now has glasses and Nurture creeps up behind him ] / [ Nurture kicks the back of his leg ] / [ The man now also has a cane ] / [ Both creatures punch the man in the stomach ] / [ The man is on the gound and Nature goes to stomp on his head ] / [ The creature brings his foot down right next to the man's head, which now has grey hair ] / [ Nurture steps on the man's arm ] / [ Nature kicks the man in the rear ] / [ Nurture punches the man in the face, knocking out some teeth ] / [ They both hold the man down on the ground with their feet on his back ] / [ The grandson looks horrified ] / Grampa: "Enjoy your remaining 70 years." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2341#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Woman: "What the hell is this?"
/ Man: "It's herbal tea! It's basically the same as tea, but better for you." / Woman: "Yeah, except it's made from completely different EVERYTHING."
/ Man: "It's similar! It's a hot drink in a cup! It's even called tea!" / [ The woman scowls ] / Header: Later
/ Woman: "Ahh, that was good."
/ Man: "What was good? We haven't even-"
/ Woman: "I love herbal sex!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2342#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Officer! My wife has been missing for three days, and today, I got a bloody ear in an envelope..."
/ Woman: "I'm sorry, I lost the thread of that. Your accent is just so adorable." / Caption: It must be hard being British in America. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2343#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "Say you were walking outdoors, and you found a watch. And you opened the watch and found many intricately interacting parts, none of which made sense without the others? You would conclude there was a DESIGNER. Now, suppose the watch kept shocking you at random times, regardless of how good or bad you behaved, and the shocking seemed not to be a defect, but rather a standard feature of the design." / Caption: William Paley proves that there's a God, and that he's a dick. http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2344#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Funtime Activity: Anti-Sexism
/ Man: "Woman! Get in the kitchen! I've put a number of Margaret Atwood novels in there, which we can read together as equals!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2345#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: There is only one day in your life when your age = 2x(your kid's age) + 0.75. Make the most of it.
/ Dad: "When I was your age, I was doin' your mom!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2346#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "I'm a vegetarian because I don't like the idea of killing conscious beings for food." / Man #2: "But plant cultivation kills lots of small animals. Ranching destroys a smaller amount of large animals." / Man: "I guess the issue would be which approach kills the fewest neurons." / Man #2: "But are all neurons equal? If a million roundworm neurons die, you don't feel too bad. If a million monkey neurons die, you do." / Man: "So, let's see...we want the best ratio of meat to consciousness, so you take the quantity of neurons killed, but weigh each neuron on how complex of a system it's in. So we'd want a large animal, preferably fatty, who's stupid..." / Man: "We'd want...we'd want...oh God no..." / [ A line graph with x-axis "cuteness of that animal" and y-axis "ethicalness of eating an animal" steadily rises with panda, baby walrus, and overweight koala at the top ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2393#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: College Nihilist
/ Man: "Don't you guys get it? None of this matters! It's all pointless! I know because I've written four essays about it. Four!" / Header: Real Nihilist
/ Man #2: "I'm gonna make as much money as I can, and spend it on more money." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2394#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | [ A helicopter pilot sees "HELP" spelled out on an island ] / [ The helicopter starts to land on the island ] / [ The helicopter crashes ] / Pilot: "AAAAAH!" / [ A giant sea creature emerges ] / Man: "I know I'm a jerk, but I could be a good person...if I were with you."
/ [ The woman he's talking to imagines the whole previous scenario with the helicopter ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2395#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Physics teacher: "As has often been noted, 'physics is to math as sex is to masturbation.'" / Man: "So, you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" / Physics teacher: "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2396#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man: "This story is about the shift in valuation of individual wealth vis-a-vis the transcendental in a post-plague Europe." / Header: 600 years earlier...
/ Woman: "This story is about how if you don't put coins out for elves, they'll fuck you in the night." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2397#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Good science teaching
/ Woman: "Every time you take a breath, you're breathing a few atoms that were once in Elvis' lungs." / Header: Fun science teaching
/ Woman: "Every time you drink water? Couple atoms of Charlemagne's balls!" http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2399#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The Adventures of the Clairvoyant Premature Ejaculator / [ A man watches a woman walk down the street ] / Man: "BWAAAAAAAAH OHHH YEAHHH..." / Woman: "What was that?!" / Man: "Four years from now. One night stand. You will be VERY disappointed." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2400#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Dad: "Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it." / Son: "So, if we don't study history, it'll be bad because we won't see what's coming?" / Dad: "Right." / Son: "But then if we DO study history, we aren't doomed to repeat it. So, it was a waste of time to learn it in the first place." / Dad: "Hmm...I'm gonna have to ask your mother for a better truism." / Mom: "Those who do not study history get smacked." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2401#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Man (thinking): "Wait a sec...did I close the windows so tightly that air can't get in? Oh God...I bet I did...and the whole family will suffocate by morning if I don't do something! But...it's so warm in these blankets..." / Caption: The sleepy brain: Dangerous because stupid. Safe because lazy http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2402#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: Basis of romantic relationships: mutual acceptance
/ Man and Woman (thinking): "I love your quirks and foibles and struggles and secrets." / Header: Basis of parental relationships: mutual denial
/ Dad and daughter (thinking): "Never drove drunk, never enjoyed sex, never did drugs, never all of that at once." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2403#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Old Woman: "Help! Help!" / Robber: "OH NO, IT'S...wait...you're not Superman." / [ The superhero punches the robber's head off ] / [ He flies away ] / [ A line graph with x-axis "time" and y-axis "crime rate while Clark Kent was 'Superman'" stays relatively straight ] / [ A line graph with x-axis "time" and y-axis "crime rate after Clark Kent became 'Disproportionate Response Man'" starts off striaght, falls straight down, slowly climbs back up, then drops off again ] http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2404#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Header: The first cryogenic patients were frozen too slowly
/ [ A man lays in a cryogenic chamber ] / Header: Ice crystals formed, rupturing too many cells for them to be unfrozen later
/ [ Ice crystals float among cells ] / Header: But seceral centuries hence, cell-repairing nanobots were circulated into their bodies.
/ [ The man lays on a stretcher ] / Header: They located the ruptures and knitted the cells back together, leaving properly frozen bodies awaiting treatment.
/ [ The nanobots repare the cells ] / Header: When finally reinvigorated, the people found it all somewhat distressing.
/ Man: "So...was I alive or dead?"
/ Doctor: "You were a corpse before we had the right tolls, and a patient after."
/ Man: "How can my being alive or dead depend on the level of technological advancement?"
/ Doctor: "Look. I'm a doctor. You're all corpses until proven otherwise." / Header: Fortunately, there was a simple emotionally satisfying solution.
/ [ The man holds a tub of "Topical Anti-Existentialism Cream" ]
/ Doctor: "Apply two times a day." / Header: It wasn't perfect
/ Man: "What if I still despair over the infinite lacuna between what I hoped life was and what the evidence suggests?"
/ Doctor: "Three." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2405#comic |
| Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal | Titler: How Academics Call Something Boring (By Discipline) / Header: Philosopher
/ Woman: "That's elementary." / Header: Mathematician
/ Man: "That's trivial" / Header: Physicist
/ Man #2: "That makes sense." http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2406#comic |
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