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|Kelly Lynch||Guy: Ah, there's my carry-on bag. / Guy: Hey, what are you doing here? / Onion: The scent of carry-on attracts scavenger birds. / Guy: You're thinking of carrion. / Onion: Pronouncing it funny doesn't make it a different thing, you know. / [A quiche with a sword on a horse] / CON-QUICHE-ADOR / Guy: Holy crap! It's a... uh... / Blob thing: Non-representational manifestation of your latent credulousness. / Guy: Right! / Socks: And I'm a non-representational manifestation of your latent smugness. / Blob thing: No, you're big socks. / Sign on horse's ass: El Dorado or bust|
|Laurence Luckinbill||Dude: 3 days in a row, fortune cookies have told me that my wireless connection would be spotty and work would be boring. / Dude: And 3 days in a row, they were right! / Chick: Paperweights are more interesting than you. / REINDEER DRIVE-BY! / RAT-A-TAT / Dude: OH MY GOD! DO THEY EVER MISS? / Fortune cookie fortune: CARIBOU WILL NEVER HARM YOU / Astronaut: I see you as a mentor. It's a great honor to explore the cosmos with you. / Astronaut: But I think I've come into my own now. Adieu. / Astronaut 2: AUGH! AAUUGGHH!! / [A bear in a polo shirt plays beach ball with Abraham Lincoln atop a pentagram surrounded by fire.] / Dude: I thought for sure that fortune cookie was wrong.|
|Lisa Banes||Guy 1: Hey, do you think I should push this big red button? / Chick: Seems risky. / Guy 2: Yeah, it could be dangerous. / Guy 1: What does Soup-of-the-day Steve say? / Soup-of-the-day Steve: French onion. / Narrator: N'est pas ce ce qu'il a voulu dire quand il a dit "french onion." / Guy 1: What's the worst that could happen? / Chick (imagining): AUGH! Humanity is being devoured by asphalt golems! / Guy 2 (imagining): Suddenly, everybody in the world can walk on their hands except me! / Soup-of-the-day Steve imagines a newspaper, which reads: FEDERAL BAN ON SOUP TAKES EFFECT / Flies: "We were sick of the backstroke anyway." / LOCAL MAN AGES ONE DAY PER DAY / Dude walking on his hands: The snailbear is not merely an imitation of nature, but in truth a metaphysical supplement of nature, placed alongside thereof for its conquest. / Snailbear: Rarr! / Guy 1: You guys are right. No way should I push it. / Narrator: EAT THAT, CHEKHOV.|
|Elisabeth Shue||[[A bowling ball travels down the lane]] / [[The ball strikes the pins]] / [[The guy who rolled the ball turns to high-five his friend]] / [[As they high-five, a zombie approaches the roller from behind]] / [[The zombie takes a bite out of the roller's head]] / [[The roller lies in a pool of blood, dead]] / [[We zoom in to the deceased roller's face]] / [[The deceased roller's eyes open! They have a creepy red glow!]] / Zombie Bowler: Laaaaanes! / Snake (thinking): A tree. / Mailbox (thinking): A paper fetus. / Space Traveler: Aw crap, a space shrimp. / Space Shrimp: Where's the elevator?|
|Bryan Brown||Guy 1: Hey, Mr. Potato, I'm going to slice you up into sticks and boil them in oil. / Guy 2: Talking to tubers again? / Guy 1: Yeah, I'm hoping to get a radio show. / Radio: You're listening to Tuber Talk. All tubers, all afternoon. / Potato DJ: Our next caller is Cal. / DJ: Go ahead, Cal, you're on the air. / Condor: Hi. I was wondering: what's the best way to chop an onion? / DJ: Sorry, Cal, but onions aren't tubers. / Onion: Don't worry; I let him know. / Crocodile 1: Don't worry, eyelet hymnal. / Crocodile 2: We'll sing your songs. / Crocodiles 1 and 2, in unison: Eyelet, eyelet / On my shoe / I take my laces / Pull them through / Guy 2: Well, I'm going to go "bend the sea lion," if you know what I mean. / Guy 1: If I don't know what you mean, will you still bend the sea lion? / Potato: Would you hurry up and fry me, already? / Guy 1: Geez, I didn't realize I bought a rush-it potato.|
|Tom Cruise||[[On Paul Island, the island on which everyone is named Paul]] / Paul 1: Dude, Paul just got eaten by a shark! / Paul 2: Which one? / Paul 1: That great white over there. / Paul 2: No, I meant which Paul? / Paul 1: The one with the dark anchorman hair. / Paul 2: Let us honor his life. / Title Card: Paul with the dark anchorman hair: a tribute / Narrator: As an infant, Paul was born. / Paul (as infant): Waa! / Narrator: Later, Paul was eaten by a shark. / Paul (being eaten): Tell my wife my name! / Pill 1: I have developed a serum that will make me enormous! / [[He injects himself with the serum]] / Pill 1: Hey, what's happening? / Pill 2: You just became a suppository, dude. / Pill 3: That's a bummer.|
|Shark Sandwich||EGYPT c. 2560 BCE / Pharaoh (looking at a small pyramid): I'm thinking bigger. Can we go bigger? / EGYPT c. 2559 BCE / Pharaoh (looking at a huge pyramid): I see that you're not a man of nuance. / Pharaoh: How the hell did you build this in one year? / INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE COMICS / A Mountain Time Public Service / Guy: So, was that one of the top 50 showers you've taken this week? / Woman in towel: No. / Mother: So, you're our daughter's new boyfriend. She's told us so much about you! / Boyfriend: I believe it. I'm huge. / Mormon: Would you like to hear about the Book of Mormon? / Girl: Yes. / Pharaoh: This is going to be so embarrassing when Freud comes around.|
|a class="searchlink" href="http://mountaincomics.com/2009/08/31/witchcraft-for-skiers/">http://mountaincomics.com/2009/08/31/witchcraft-for-skiers/||[untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]|
|Youth And Archery||Knight (without armor on): Hey horsey, you like those oats? Yeah, dot matrix printers don't eat oats. / Knight (without armor on): My helmet and sword have been on the grill for 15 minutes, and it doesn't smell like a luau. / Knight (armored up): Alright! I'm a friggin' knight! / <
|The Farmer of Nunzio||Condor 1: Mmm... such yummy carrion, my dear!
/ Condor 2: "In love, as in gluttony, pleasure is a matter of the utmost precision."
|This Is Pretty Much How Every Philip Dick Story Goes||[[On rolling plains]]
/ Guy 1: If 30 is the new 20, then the 4-way should be the new 3-way.
/ Guy 2: How's that, now? / [[On some moonscape with purple craters]]
/ Guy 1: Our economic situation is so bunged up that it's nearly impossible to live at all comfortably, at least until our young adulthoods are over.
/ Guy 2: Right... / [[On a raft in the ocean]]
/ Guy 1: So we could at least be compensated by having our sexual-conquest standards raised!
/ Guy 2: Let me guess: you went to Olleet University. / [[On a sidewalk]]
/ Guy 1: Yep! Good ol' Olleet U!
/ Guy 2 (now a monster): No, I'll eat you! / Guy 1: AUGH!!
|Lake Nasser? I barely knew ‘er!||Sign: NO SWIMMING IN SHOVEL LAKE / Guy: Aw man, why'd they even put a shovel lake here if you can't swim in it? / Guy 2: I hardly think anyone "put" a lake here. / Anthropogenic-Landscape-Enthusiast Stegosaur: Actually, man has been making lakes for at least 5000 years! / Anthropogenic-Landscape-Enthusiast Stegosaur: Artificial lakes are a great means of reserving water -- or shovels! / Guy 2: Uh, thanks, Anthropogenic-Landscape-Enthusiast Stegosaur. / Guy 1: Hey, check out this dive! / Guy 2: Dude! No swimming, remember? / Guy 1: I'm not going to swim, I'm going to dive! / Guy 1: And then drown. / Guy 1: In shovels.|
|Dr. Doom Is In The Room||Snake: I ate 5 sandwiches last night. / Guy: Mmm... 5 sandwiches... / [[He imagines:]] / Guy: This 5 is so good it could be 6! / Guy: And if it were a 6 sandwich, I could turn it around and have a 9 sandwich! / Guy: But a certain stupid grocer never has any 6 for sale. / Sheep: Look, it's very hard to get fresh 6. It only grows in Burkina Faso! / Guy: Fine. I'll go there myself, using my portable wormhole. / Guy: Uh-oh. Something went wrong. / Faced-torso Teddy Bear: It's just a finch-headed-snow-cone-breathing-armadillo. / [[The imagined sequence ends]] / Guy: Wait -- did that snake just talk?|
|a class="searchlink" href="http://mountaincomics.com/2009/09/21/unwahrheit/">http://mountaincomics.com/2009/09/21/unwahrheit/||[untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]|
|a class="searchlink" href="http://mountaincomics.com/2009/09/24/koyaanisqatsi/">http://mountaincomics.com/2009/09/24/koyaanisqatsi/||[untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]|
|Booster Seat||[[Guy 1 is on the ground, bloody and wheezing]]
/ Guy 2: Look, I meant to say "nice hat," but what came out was "tanks should run over you." / Guy 2: And I really didn't expect the military to show up and do things I accidentally said.
/ Tank Guy: No problem, chief! / Guy 2: I'm not your chief!
/ Tank Guy: Well I'm not a soldier! / Guy 2 becomes Dave. Tank Guy becomes Dave.
/ Daves (in unison): I'm Dave!
/ Daves (in unison): Wow! I'm getting good! / Surf Rat: Not good enough, Dave.
/ Freeze Cheese: Not so fast! / Freeze Cheese: I'm The Freeze Cheese. Ice to meet you! / [[The Freeze Cheese shoots a freeze ray at the Wave of Freedom]] <
|Jupiter Towtruck||Chick: My life is an open book. / Chick: Specifically, it's Webster's Third New International Dictionary, Unabridged. / Chick: No one's ever going to look at more than a few words, and most people will just go straight to fuck. / Chick: Then there's a lot of weird medical stuff and a bunch of other things you can't understand, so you just go to shit. / [[the ground forms a mouth and swallows her]] / [[as she's sliding down the Earth's gullet, she passes a pocket of air with 6 feet in it]] / All 6 Feet (in unison): We matter! / [[An atom is shown]] / WEE MATTER / Fly: Weem at her! / Courting Bird (thinking): How do I weem? / [[The chick has arrived at some underworld apparently called ZYZZOGETON]] / Lava Man 1: Lava's hot today. / Lava Man 2: It's magma, you dolt.|
|Ex Lion Tamer||Scientist: I've invented the automobile of the future! / Scientist: It runs on hollandaise and emits only shine-enhancing shampoo! / Dude: Talk about clean energy! / Later / Hat dude: Wow, your fur looks great! / Huge rat: Yeah, the sewers are full of street-runoff shampoo. / [[Hat guy looks ponderously at the huge rat]] / [[Hat dude is at a sales booth labeled "Fabulous Furs $49.95"]] / Sheep: You're putting me out of business. / [[The sheeps wagon holds boxes labeled "loose hair" and "rodent skin"]] / Hat dude (thinking): This is great! No one suspects that I'm selling giant sewer rat hides! / Duck Crossing sign: I do. / Duck Crossing sign: I can hear your thoughts, Darren. / Duck Crossing sign (thinking): And I can make you hear mine. / Duck Crossing sign (thinking): Now you must do my bidding if you wish to salvage your soul -- for I am / The Duck Crossing Sign of Despair / [[A family of ducks crosses the street]] / Duck mom: Quack|
|Three Girl Rhumba||AGORAPHOBIC HAMSTER GETS WHISKED AWAY / <
|a class="searchlink" href="http://mountaincomics.com/2009/10/12/thats-not-even-a-synonym-for-shallow/">http://mountaincomics.com/2009/10/12/thats-not-even-a-synonym-for-shallow/||[untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]|
|This Ones For The Floor||Knight: Ok, this time there's no way I'm letting that cowboy mess things up. / <
|Ideal For Individuals Or Small Groups||Guy: Uh-oh. Asthma's coming on. / [[Guy hits his inhaler]] / Guy: Ow! What the hell? / Old Man: You've been bitten by / VLAD the INHALER / Guy: I feel a change coming over me. / Domino: Get back in the bottle, old man. / Old man: Nooo! / Guy (beginning to become a fish-man, or maybe a tadpole-man): Whoa -- was he a genie? / Domino: No. He bounced a check at my laundromat. / Guy: What / Guy: the / Guy: hell kind of laundromat takes checks? / Domino: I think you'd better find some water.|
|Cheesecake Bang Bang Chicken Avocado Woo Key Lime Pie||[[3 men stand somewhere, one with a cloud on his head, one with a large mustache, one with glasses]] / Man w/ Glasses: Man, I love burritos. If I had a country, burritos would be the national bird. / [[A monster appears]] / Monster: Yum. / All 3 men: AUGH!! / Girl: Do souls have souls? / Advertisement: Buy more Furniture! / [[A restaurant with a sign: "Big Bert's Burritos & Loofahs"]] / [[The 3 men sit at a table]] / Man w/ cloud: This is crazy! We have to kill the monster before it kills us! / Man w/ mustache: No! We have to declare it the national bird before it declares us the national bird! / Man w/ glasses (thinking): I'm glad I ignored it before it ignored me. / Girl: If I die in heaven, will I go to heaven heaven? / Advertisement: Tables! Chairs! Sofas! / [[Cut to man w/ cloud, no longer at the restaurant.]] / Man w/ cloud: There is a cloud on my head. / [[The cloud floats above his head while he kneels]] / Snowman: Scarves retain heat. / Snowman: Being a snowman, heat is lethal to me. / Cloud above man formerly w/ cloud: You, like everyone else, were designed to die. / [[Cut back to restaurant]] / Man w/ mustache: Hey, I ordered a loofah!|
|Blanqueador Sin Cloro||Dude: Schrodinger's cat: the cat in this box is both alive and dead. / Dude: Yet when we open the box, it is simply one or the other.
/ [[DEAD CAT]] / Dude: Schrodinger's Stan: this guy's name both is and is not Stan. He has a Venn diagram about it. / [[The Venn diagram has sections labeled "Guys named Stan" and "Guys not named Stan." The area where they overlap is labeled "Me."]] / Condor: So if I ask him...
/ Dude: Nooo! / Condor: Is your name Stan? / [[DEAD CONDOR; DEAD CAT WITH DIAGRAM]]
/ Dude: No! Stan-not-Stan! Quantum physics made you a dead cat! / The Ghost of Stan-not-Stan: At least I died in an interesting way. / <
|Talking Time||Agoraphobic Hamster: There's a skeleton monster at the end of this comic! / Ghost Costume & Werewolf Costume (in unison): Trick or treat!
/ Old guy: You kids are too young to be soliciting prostitution. / Werewolf Costume: Geez, third time tonight. / Old Guy: Finally! Back to Matlock. / <
|Rainy Melody||[[Comic opens to a Sheep selling wares from his wagon.]] / Sheep: This is a hell of a lot of wallpaper. / Dude: I'm covering the entire Great Wall of China. / [[Dave comes in]] / Sheep: Shouldn't you be in China to do that? / Dude: Sorry -- I didn't realize you were the Great Wall police. / Dude: Hey Dave, wanna help me wallpaper the Great Wall? / Dave: That's in China. / Dude: Geez, I didn't notice I walked into the Great Wall Scholars Society. / Dave: That's it. I'm summoning / [[Pelican Cello is summoned complete with title card.]] / Panel: The Pelican Cello. / Pelican Cello: My powers are many and wondrous. I will now list them all. / [[Scene cuts to worms who speak Latin/French.]] / Worm 1: Modus ponens. / Worm 2: Oui. / [[Back to Pelican Cello]] / Pelican Cello: 1. Flight. 2. Eye lasers. 3. Can make cello music. 4. Good at long division. 5. Good with lists. 6. Very strong... / Dude: I knew it! I am a pepper shaker! / [[Back to worms]] / Worm 1: Modus ponens. / Worm 2: J'ai observ|
|Weaponry Listens To This, Too||Scientist (narrating): ...then we make a giant belt. / Scientist (narrating): One end goes around the moon. The other end goes around Earth. / Scientist: This will probably kill everybody somehow, but if it doesn't, / Scientist (narrating): the rotation of the two bodies will synchronize, / Scientist: and for the first time, the other side of the moon will be visible from Earth, / Scientist (narrating): revealing the message we put there with our giant-can-of-spray-paint device: / [[Painted on moon: WOMEN ARE MEN TOO]] / Scientist: All homophobic men will stop mating, as they've been told by the heavens that all sex is gay. / Scientist: Their wives, unsatisfied, will look for other options, / Scientist: and we get laid like crazy! / Bonobo: I'm a bonobo. We don't have that problem. / Earth: The abdomen is why man does not readily take himself to be a snailbear. / Snailbear: Rarr!|
|Yakiniku Steak And Shrimp Tempura||[[Three Pete and Paul are discussing Paul's anatidaephobia]] / Three Pete: What's up, Paul? / Paul: I've developed anatidaephobia. / [[Pete begins to float away]] / Pete: The fear that a duck is watching you? / Paul: Yep. / [[Enter Adios Taco]] / Pete: Maybe you're misinterpreting your hope that ducks are admiring you. / Paul: Nope! / Adios Taco: ?Adios, hombre flotante! / [[Adios Taco Title Card]] / Panel: It's ADIOS TACO Meat-filled tortilla of ACTION / [[Depiction of subsequent text]] / Panel: WHO GUNNED DOWN THE VILE GARDENING DEMON OF THRAAX / [[Yep, same thing here]] / Panel: AND ORGANIZED HIS OFFICE'S RECYCLING PROGRAM / [[Depiction of a now obvious SPLASH! advertisement]] / Adios Taco (Quote): "I start every day with a refreshing glass of SPLASH! fruit juice cocktail." -Adios Taco / Panel: Make a SPLASH! / [[Picture of a duck staring at the reader]] / Panel: "Get action. Seize the moment. Man was never meant to be an oyster."|
|Biting The Wheel||Bear-like Thing: Do I have to pee? / Dude: Look, man, I have my own problems. For instance: / Dude: I'm stuck on some kind of gravitational anomaly. / Raccoon: Me too. / Bear-like Thing: Wow. / Dude: Yeah, it's a big raccoon. / [[A chef is on the phone.]] / Operator: You have a collect call from: / Caller: Cthulhu. / Chef: Yeah, I'll accept. / Cthulhu: Dude, you gotta get down here! There's a red cube and a blue cube and I and I and I and I / Chef: why d- why d- why d- why d- why / [[The fabric of reality fissures, creating chasms of nothingness. Or something.]] / YOUTH / Kid: Let's pretend the floor is lava! / ADULTHOOD / Man: Let's pretend the floor is carpeted.|
|The Night Sentry||[[One character (Digger) is digging a hole; the other (Layer) is laying rocks in a line.]] / Digger: Stuff doesn't taste as good after it's been frozen, right?
/ Layer: Right. / Digger: SO if we build a time machine, travel back to the Big Bang and grab a bunch of hydrogen and oxygen, we can bottle the best water ever.
/ [[Layer imagines a huge slice of lime.]] / <
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