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|Refractions Tulip||Reg: Aw man, what's all over my ice cream? / Reg: Wizards?
/ [[His ice cream is covered in wizards]] / Reg: I don't wanna lick wizards!
/ Dude: Well I don't want to wick lizards, but we need candles and there's no more wax. / [[A pod (with landing gears) descends]]
|We Are The Future So You Dont Have To||Chimneyfoot: Gin and tonic, please. / Bartending Unicorn: You want Windex in that? / Chimneyfoot: Why do you always put Windex in drinks? / Bartending Unicorn: Windex and Booze go together like books and cheese. / Chimneyfoot: That doesn't make sense. You don't eat books. / Bartending Unicorn: Right,...|
|Scythia||Astronaut 1: Just think: nobody's ever been on this world before. / Someone Out of Panel: I have. / Astronaut 1: What? / Astronaut 2: How did you get here? / Baseball Guy: This is where you go if you collect every baseball card ever made. / Astronaut 2: But how? / Baseball Guy: Well... / Baseball Guy...|
|Kaluka Maiava||[[Paul and Vern are about to battle]] / Paul: The forest is full of creatures! / Vern: The ocean isn't orange! / Onion: Your values are completely compatible! / Paul & Vern: He's right! / Later / Paul: You don't look so good, Vern. Are you getting sick? / Vern: I've been sick, with supporting group The...|
|The Unstartled Giraffe||Sweaty Guy: MAN, it's hot. / [[Sweaty Guy wipes his brow]] / Sweaty Guy: ? / Sweaty Guy: Oh no! My body's turning into water! / Sweaty Guy: ...Of course! The heat has removed all the moisture from the air, and my body is trying to create equilibrium. / Sweaty Guy: So be it. I'm a humidity martyr....|
|The Son Of M||Squirrel 2: I just realized that odd numbers can't exist -- they're logically absurd! / Squirrel 1 (shooting Squirrel 2): Security threat neutralized. / Sheep: Those radio ads are really paying off! These suede coffee mugs are selling like hotcakes! / Mr. Mustache: Why not just sell hotcakes in the...|
|Autofac||Onion: "Vermont Avenue" / Hamster: Would you like to buy it? / Onion: What does it do? / Hamster: You can buy the stuff around it and develop it to make more money. / Onion: What do I use that money for? / Hamster: To buy more properties. / Onion: So I'm just making money in order to make more money? / Hamster:...|
|The Letter||[[Panel 1 is a screenshot from a TV]] / I'd Lather Be Sailing / [[The S.S.Hampoo sails on]] / The hygiene show for boating enthusiasts / / TV: will not be shown today, / Guy: What?! / TV: so that we may bring you / [[Another screenshot]] / BERNARD the Elbow-fitting-spitting BEAR / Guy: How am I supposed...|
|Another The Letter||[[Dave is accosting a guy]] / Guy in Distress: Help! Surf Rat! / Surf Rat: I've got you now, Dave! / Dave (thinking): Hehehe / [[Dave teleports out of the way with a poof, and Surf Rat is about to surf over a Vat o' Shampoo]] / SPLASH 'N' LATHER! / Surf Rat triumphs again, cleaning up the streets atop...|
|Outdoor Miner||Shampoo: Why hello, sailor. / Guy: Not you, too! The BBQ sauce already came onto me. / Something: Almanac. / Guy: What was that?! / Shampoo: Sounded like a -- / Shampoo: yep, that's a gelatinous Portugal. / Gelatinous Portugal: Almanac. / -Known characteristics of the gelatinous Portugal- / -Gelatinous / -Portugal-shaped / -Seems...|
|The Turkish Equivalent Of Kansas||Girl: Do you keep hearing loud shrieking noises? / Guy: No. / Girl: Neither do I. / Guy: I wonder if I could drink a building. / Banner flown by a plane piloted by what might be a tiny dinosaur: HAPPY THURSDAY DAY / THURSDAY DAY: / The Thursdayest of all holidays. / [[A graph shows that Thursday Day's...|
|Sledgehammer Of Truth||Astronaut 1: In TV shows, men and women (of roughly equal attractiveness) who don't get along usually end up having sexy times together. / Astronaut 1: So I figure I just need to get on the nerves of every woman I meet, and I'll be a regular Casanova! / Astronaut 2: You've been repeating that for an...|
|Patience And A Steak Knife||Paul: I've always wanted to sit and soak in this tub of lard, / Paul: and I think now is a very auspicious time to do so! / <
|No Coffee For The Champ||[[Knight 1 is on the ground, slain. Knight 2 is looking at him.]] / Knight 2 (thinking): I should go invent rounder circles. / Earlier / Knight 1: You dare challenge me? Prepare to be amazed! / Knight 1: On Gilligan's Island, they took a tour on the S.S. Minnow. You could say it was a "Minnow tour." / Knight...|
|I Don't Have A Headache With Cheese||Dude: What's on your face? / Chick 1: I brushed my teeth, but missed. / Dude: I was talking to HER. / Chick 2: I think it's a tiny hatch. / [[A closeup reveals that it is, in fact, a tiny hatch]] / Chick 1: Who's SHE? / Dude: Someone who needs a tiny submarine commander. Who're you? / Chick 1: Margarine...|
|St. John's||[[An ice cream stand offers ice cream for $6]] / Dude: Psh. I didn't spend 4 years fighting in Iraq to have to pay $6 for ice cream! / Lady: You fought in Iraq? / Dude: No; like I just said: I DIDN'T spend 4 years fighting in Iraq. / Onion: Just FYI, that's not an ice cream stand. / Dude: Oh -- it's...|
|Regina||Kid: What should I have for breakfast? / Kid: Octo-Crisp? / [[The Octo-Crisp box boasts that "It's 8 kinds of crispy!"]] / Kid: Or Sucky Clusters? / [[The Sucky Clusters box boasts that it's "The cereal that changes color at will!"]] / Adios Taco: Hey kid, stop eating awful octopus cereal! / Kid: Adios...|
|Charlottetown||Astronaut 1: Look out behind you! It's a hideous black beast! / Astronaut 2: Where?! / Astronaut 2: Hey, that's not black! It's navy! / Boss: "23 years' microwave operation experience?" / Applicant: That's right. I've been cooking with microwaves all my life. / Boss: That's not something you see on...|
|Victoria||Guy: Everybody loves really tall towers, but theirs tops are always up too far to see. / Guy: I have solved this problem! Behold: a 2000-foot tower / Guy: in a 1995-foot pit! / Snowman: Does the word "countertop" convey any meaning that isn't more succinctly conveyed by "counter"? / Opabinia: One of...|
|Winnipeg||Snowman: I don't like the word "climbed" as the past tense of "climb." / Snowman: I propose a new word: "clomb." / Opabinia: Utter nonsense! / Snowman: Don't freak out about it -- there is a precedent! Dive --> dove; climb --> clomb. / Opabinia: MAN I hate that stupid snowman, with his made-up irregular...|
|Fredericton||AGORAPHOBIC HAMSTER HAS A SITUATION / <
|Halifax||Guy: ...and so it seems obvious that Thomas Jefferson was mostly being sarcastic. / [[Guy looks around a bit; nobody is there.]] / Guy: I should probably find someone to say that to. / [[Guy walks]] / Here you have to imagine like 15 more panels of the dude walking. / [[A hoplite blender does battle...|
|Quebec City||13.7 billion years ago, the universe said: / Universe (as a singularity): I hope you like your bangs BIG. / Some 80s chick I guess: Oh, I DO. / Mr. Pies: I received an envelope in the post today. / Mr. Glasses: In the "post today"? So you got it tomorrow? / Mr. Glasses: You can't do that. / Mr. Glasses:...|
|Toronto||GRAPE + APPLE / ORANGE + TANGERINE / WHITE GRAPE / Guy: what are you doing? / Wizard: Carving my favorite juice into this doghouse. / Wizard: I am doing so with the aid of man's first invention: the knife. / Guy: Congratulations! You are now the mayor of WRONG CITY. / Not to be confused with Pong City....|
|Septimus I||IMPRESSIONIST CUSTODIAN / Impressionist Custodian (IC) (thinking): Oh great -- someone knocked the trash can over. / IC (thinking): This apple core is the same mix of yellow and brown as the sandy shore of lake Cyclopentasiloxane. / Paula and I made love so feverishly upon that shore. But then... / ...she...|
|Septimus II||Impressionist Custodian (thinking): Only then, decades later, did I realize I'd been visited by a ghost. / Impressionist Custodian: Good coffee. What is it? / Lady: 10W-30. / Lady (thinking): His face reminds me of Patrick -- not that I like Patrick for his face... / Lady: Oh Patrick, you have the...|
|Septimus III||Wisconsin Lettuce Federation Guy (WLFG): Wisconsin is a violent, spiteful place. / Bartending Unicorn: Is that where you got that arrow? / WLFG: Yeah. Doctor said if I took it out there'd be a giant spider invasion. / [[Bartending Unicorn imagines a giant spider approaching a house. Soon, Windex falls...|
|Dave A Une Mauvaise Journ||Dave: Does this frighten you? / Lady: No; I am at ease because birds are partying in my yard. / Dave: Ah, but now you are floating away. Frightened? / Lady: Nope. Bird party. / Dave: You'll be dead soon, you know. / Lady: No biggie. / Mr. Survey: Hey Dave! I'm taking a survey. Would you mind rating your...|
|Past Actions Of Crabs||Sunflower: Learning is for everyone.
/ Vigilante: Don't need to learn. Got a porpoise launcher. / <
|Furniture Unity||Astronaut 1: When we say "menopause," what we really mean is "menostop," right? / Astronaut 2: I've actually never said "menopause." / Earlier / Astronaut 2: Menopause, menopause, meno meno menopause / Astronaut 1: I've written up a formal letter pushing the change to "menostop," but I don't know who...|
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