You're browsing the archives of Mountain Time.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
|Refractions Tulip||Reg: Aw man, what's all over my ice cream? / Reg: Wizards?
/ [[His ice cream is covered in wizards]] / Reg: I don't wanna lick wizards!
/ Dude: Well I don't want to wick lizards, but we need candles and there's no more wax. / [[A pod (with landing gears) descends]]
|We Are The Future So You Dont Have To||Chimneyfoot: Gin and tonic, please.
/ Bartending Unicorn: You want Windex in that? / Chimneyfoot: Why do you always put Windex in drinks?
/ Bartending Unicorn: Windex and Booze go together like books and cheese. / Chimneyfoot: That doesn't make sense. You don't eat books. / Bartending Unicorn: Right, and you don't read cheese. That's why they work so well together. / [[A bear-like helicopter thing labeled "Quaoar" flies past]] / [[A larger bear-like helicopter thing labeled "Makemake" pursues the Quaoar thing]] / [[Makemake is hit with a brick]] <
|Scythia||Astronaut 1: Just think: nobody's ever been on this world before. / Someone Out of Panel: I have. / Astronaut 1: What? / Astronaut 2: How did you get here? / Baseball Guy: This is where you go if you collect every baseball card ever made. / Astronaut 2: But how? / Baseball Guy: Well... / Baseball Guy (narrating): This mystical door appears in your bedroom with a hot baseball chick pointing to it. / Baseball Guy (narrating): Just as you're about to go through the door, she rips your spine out. / Baseball Guy (narrating): Then this happens. / [["This" refers to two six-eyed men carrying a platform upon with a dancing traffic light performs for a giant crab with a horse balanced on its larger claw.]] / Baseball Guy: Long story short, I'm not here and your partner is being eaten. / Astronaut 2: This is exactly like The Red Pony.|
|Kaluka Maiava||[[Paul and Vern are about to battle]]
/ Paul: The forest is full of creatures!
/ Vern: The ocean isn't orange! / Onion: Your values are completely compatible! / Paul & Vern: He's right! / Later
/ Paul: You don't look so good, Vern. Are you getting sick?
/ Vern: I've been sick, with supporting group The Not Feeling Good Tabernacle Choir. / Vern: It's not a very well-liked tabernacle. / Paul: Oh no! Empathy tumor! / [[Santa Claus bursts out of Paul's chest]]
/ Santa: HO HO HO!
/ Vern: Santa! / Santa: Now to cure your illness... with my HEALTH MACHETE! / <
|The Unstartled Giraffe||Sweaty Guy: MAN, it's hot. / [[Sweaty Guy wipes his brow]] / Sweaty Guy: ? / Sweaty Guy: Oh no! My body's turning into water! / Sweaty Guy: ...Of course! The heat has removed all the moisture from the air, and my body is trying to create equilibrium. / Sweaty Guy: So be it. I'm a humidity martyr. A humidity martyr with a plan. / Later / Sweaty Guy (at Insurance Hut): I'd like to buy a bunch of life insurance. / Sweaty Guy: Can I name water vapor as my beneficiary? / Sweaty Guy: Because water vapor is my nephew, I guess? / He can't, so / Sweaty Guy: Man... who ever heard of a martyr not getting rich? / Sweaty Guy: HEY AIR: THE DEAL'S OFF! i KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT NOT TURNING INTO WATER! HA HA HA! / To be continued.|
|The Son Of M||Squirrel 2: I just realized that odd numbers can't exist -- they're logically absurd! / Squirrel 1 (shooting Squirrel 2): Security threat neutralized. / Sheep: Those radio ads are really paying off! These suede coffee mugs are selling like hotcakes! / Mr. Mustache: Why not just sell hotcakes in the first place? / Soon / [[A statue of Mr. Mustache has been erected, with the inscription: WORLD'S GREATEST ECONOMIST]] / Robot: The advent of the all-hotcake economy has rendered me an obsolete commodity. / Godworm: Lo! / Godworm: I am the Godworm. Lesser worms eat dead and discarded organic matter. / Godworm: I eat dead and discarded ideas. I will eat you. / Robot: Sorry, Godworm, but I have a different idea. / Robot: I'm going to distill Neptune and get druuuunk.|
|Autofac||Onion: "Vermont Avenue" / Hamster: Would you like to buy it? / Onion: What does it do? / Hamster: You can buy the stuff around it and develop it to make more money. / Onion: What do I use that money for? / Hamster: To buy more properties. / Onion: So I'm just making money in order to make more money? / Hamster: Well yeah, but I can charge you rent if you -- / Onion: Then I should use this money to buy my own house to live in. / Hamster: You can't. You have to keep going around. / Onion: What about weapons? Can I buy weapons? / Hamster: You're a thimble. / Onion: Well you're a wheelbarrow that's a landlord and a banker, so why can't a thimble use weapons? / Hamster: There's nobody to fight anyway. / Onion: There's a wheelbarrow. / Onion: Aha! Jail! Someone in there should know where I can find some weapons. / Prisoner: Dude, there's a friggin' CANNON in the bank! / Onion: I'll take 1 cannon and 1 private residence, please.|
|The Letter||[[Panel 1 is a screenshot from a TV]] / I'd Lather Be Sailing / [[The S.S.Hampoo sails on]] / The hygiene show for boating enthusiasts / / TV: will not be shown today, / Guy: What?! / TV: so that we may bring you / [[Another screenshot]] / BERNARD the Elbow-fitting-spitting BEAR / Guy: How am I supposed to improve my maritime rinsing technique?! / Lightermoth: Why lather and rinse? Simply swallow the shampoo and become clean inside and out! / Guy (thinking): Makes sense. / GEOLOGY / Fly: Help, Lightermoth! Wolves are doing things! / [[Lightermoth follows the fly to the scene]] / Lightermoth: Yep, those are wolves. / Fly: Thanks, Lightermoth! / Guy: I've got it: a boating show for hygiene enthusiasts! / Shampoo: Pssh. Let me tell you precisely what it is you're trying to get: / CHAINSAWKS / [[The guy (imagining?) begins to carve up Bernard the Elbow-fitting-spitting Bear with his chainsawks.]]|
|Another The Letter||[[Dave is accosting a guy]] / Guy in Distress: Help! Surf Rat! / Surf Rat: I've got you now, Dave! / Dave (thinking): Hehehe / [[Dave teleports out of the way with a poof, and Surf Rat is about to surf over a Vat o' Shampoo]] / SPLASH 'N' LATHER! / Surf Rat triumphs again, cleaning up the streets atop the Suds of Freedom! / Later / Man 1: Wow! These streets are so clean you could perform surgery on them! / Man 2: No I couldn't; I'm not a licensed surgeon. / Man 1 & Man 2: HA HA HA HA HA HA / Man 2: I'm a centaur. / [[A beat]] / Man 1: Panda sex must be really bad. / Man 2: I'm a centaur. / [[A beat]] / Man 1: AAAAAAAAAA|
|Outdoor Miner||Shampoo: Why hello, sailor. / Guy: Not you, too! The BBQ sauce already came onto me. / Something: Almanac. / Guy: What was that?! / Shampoo: Sounded like a -- / Shampoo: yep, that's a gelatinous Portugal. / Gelatinous Portugal: Almanac. / -Known characteristics of the gelatinous Portugal- / -Gelatinous / -Portugal-shaped / -Seems to command a complex language in which every word is pronounced "almanac." / Guy: Is it dangerous? / Shampoo: How should I know? Have a piece of cake. / Gelatinous Portugal: Almanac. / [[Guy eats cake]] / Guy: [[Train]] / Shampoo: [[Mascara]] / Gelatinous Portugal: Almanac almanac. / Hut: Why did the chicken cross the road? / Burning arrow: I don't know; I don't understand Catholicism. / Guy: My mind is a truck stop. / Shampoo (now pants): Dude, I'm pants now, and I'm falling faster than you. / This has been a synopsis of the Cambrian Explosion.|
|The Turkish Equivalent Of Kansas||Girl: Do you keep hearing loud shrieking noises? / Guy: No. / Girl: Neither do I. / Guy: I wonder if I could drink a building. / Banner flown by a plane piloted by what might be a tiny dinosaur: HAPPY THURSDAY DAY / THURSDAY DAY: / The Thursdayest of all holidays. / [[A graph shows that Thursday Day's Thursdayness is greater than that of Thanksgiving and Moth Awareness Day.]] / Girl: I bet you could drink a building made of water. / Guy: Yeah, but could I drink water made of a building? / [[He imagines a stand selling "FRESH SQUEEZED BUILDING JUICE"]] / Guy (in imagination): If this is fresh-squeezed, where's the pulp? / Guy: What a fraud! / Banner flown by a plane piloted by what might be a tiny dinosaur: NO ONE LIES SO BOLDLY AS THE SNAILBEAR WHO IS INDIGNANT / Snailbear: Rarr! / Girl: Whoa -- your head just got huge. / Guy: It's pregnant with building juice idea babies. / Guy: I can feel them kicking. / Guy: With their idea feet.|
|Sledgehammer Of Truth||Astronaut 1: In TV shows, men and women (of roughly equal attractiveness) who don't get along usually end up having sexy times together. / Astronaut 1: So I figure I just need to get on the nerves of every woman I meet, and I'll be a regular Casanova! / Astronaut 2: You've been repeating that for an hour and a half. / Astronaut 1: (Repeats himself) / Astronaut 2: I NEED YOUR MINERAL ANALYSIS! / Monster: Ain't no ducks in my head. / Monster: Not a one. / 'TIS TRUE! / CROSS SECTION / (CAT AND GIRAFFE PARTY) / Astronaut 2 (Thinking): Great -- I have no mineral analysis AND no ducks! / Astronaut 1: ...and I'll be a regular Casanova! / Meanwhile, in exactly the same place / Astronaut 1: ...and I'll be a regular Casanova!|
|Patience And A Steak Knife||Paul: I've always wanted to sit and soak in this tub of lard, / Paul: and I think now is a very auspicious time to do so! / <
|No Coffee For The Champ||[[Knight 1 is on the ground, slain. Knight 2 is looking at him.]] / Knight 2 (thinking): I should go invent rounder circles. / Earlier / Knight 1: You dare challenge me? Prepare to be amazed! / Knight 1: On Gilligan's Island, they took a tour on the S.S. Minnow. You could say it was a "Minnow tour." / Knight 1: Sounds like "Minotaur," doesn't it? And because of this Minotaur, they end up on an island, unable to escape... / Knight 1: as though it were the Cretan labyrinth at Knossos! / Knight 1: And when you consider that there were 7 people -- UF! / Knight 1: HNN... / Knight 2 (thinking): Dammit! Now I wanna know where he was going with that. / [[Knight 1 is on the ground, slain. Knight 2 is looking at him.]] / Knight 2 (thinking): I should go invent rounder circles. / [[Knight 2 pours the contents of one beaker into another, searching for the answer to rounder circles]]|
|I Don't Have A Headache With Cheese||Dude: What's on your face?
/ Chick 1: I brushed my teeth, but missed. / Dude: I was talking to HER.
/ Chick 2: I think it's a tiny hatch. / [[A closeup reveals that it is, in fact, a tiny hatch]] / Chick 1: Who's SHE? / Dude: Someone who needs a tiny submarine commander. Who're you?
/ Chick 1: Margarine lobbyist. / [[Chick 1 scoops some margarine out of a tub]] <
|St. John's||[[An ice cream stand offers ice cream for $6]] / Dude: Psh. I didn't spend 4 years fighting in Iraq to have to pay $6 for ice cream! / Lady: You fought in Iraq? / Dude: No; like I just said: I DIDN'T spend 4 years fighting in Iraq. / Onion: Just FYI, that's not an ice cream stand. / Dude: Oh -- it's an ice cream stand golem. / Lady: Did I bring my golem spray? / HOW TO FLIRT WITH A PARKING METER / Guy: So, you go to 90 minutes? That's my favorite number of minutes! / Pepper Shaker Frog: Kiss me, and I will teach you to fly! / Chick: Don't wanna fly. Wanna throw bricks at dishwashers. / Pepper Shaker Frog: Would you like some pepper on your brick? / Chick: Looks like my options are "yes." / A well-peppered brick / hits a dishwasher harder / than any hammer.|
|Regina||Kid: What should I have for breakfast? / Kid: Octo-Crisp? / [[The Octo-Crisp box boasts that "It's 8 kinds of crispy!"]] / Kid: Or Sucky Clusters? / [[The Sucky Clusters box boasts that it's "The cereal that changes color at will!"]] / Adios Taco: Hey kid, stop eating awful octopus cereal! / Kid: Adios Taco! / Adios Taco: Try new Taco Pops -- now with marshmallow igloos! / Kid: Do sharks celebrate birthdays? / Crocodile 1: Not if they're Jehovah's Witnesses. / Crocodile 2: Why'd you just say that? / Crocodile 1: I didn't. / Crocodile 2: Neither did I. / NEITHER DID THIS TRUNK. / THIS TRUNK HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING. / HERE IS THE ONLY THING IT WILL EVER DO: / [[The box shoots a green beam at a small fly, turning it into a giant (and confused) fly]] / AND JUST THE ONCE.|
|Charlottetown||Astronaut 1: Look out behind you! It's a hideous black beast! / Astronaut 2: Where?! / Astronaut 2: Hey, that's not black! It's navy! / Boss: "23 years' microwave operation experience?" / Applicant: That's right. I've been cooking with microwaves all my life. / Boss: That's not something you see on a resume very often. / Applicant: I don't like to think of it as a "resume." / Applicant: I prefer to call it "Miss Sweatpants." / Applicant: And let's call your personnel file over there "Mr. Sweatpants." / Applicant: Don't you think we ought to get these two together? / Boss: Actually, it sounds incestuous. / Applicant: I'm a mouse. / Applicant: Squeak.|
|Victoria||Guy: Everybody loves really tall towers, but theirs tops are always up too far to see. / Guy: I have solved this problem! Behold: a 2000-foot tower / Guy: in a 1995-foot pit! / Snowman: Does the word "countertop" convey any meaning that isn't more succinctly conveyed by "counter"? / Opabinia: One of us is the wrong size and in the wrong place. / Snowman: Please adjust your statement to be more about the best way to talk about counters. / Snowman (thinking): Stupid opabinia. / Opabinia (thinking): Stupid snowman. / Fish (thinking): Stupid bears. / Donna the Bears (thinking): Rarr! / Donna the Bears (thinking): Rarr! / Dancin' Lamp / Guy: I am the greatest towersmith of all time! / SODA 4000: You deserve a soda. / [[Guy's body parts separate]]|
|Winnipeg||Snowman: I don't like the word "climbed" as the past tense of "climb." / Snowman: I propose a new word: "clomb." / Opabinia: Utter nonsense! / Snowman: Don't freak out about it -- there is a precedent! Dive --> dove; climb --> clomb. / Opabinia: MAN I hate that stupid snowman, with his made-up irregular verb forms and his carrot nose. / Opabinia: Like he can smell with a carrot. / Helios: I CAN AID YOU, REGGIE. / Opabinia (Reggie, apparently): Helios? The sun god? / Helios: YES. / Helios: USE MY POWERS, REGGIE. / Soon / Snowman: Dude, you totally froke out! / Opabinia: No. I became / Opabinia: APOLLOPABINIA! / Snowman: AUGH! CONCENTRATED PROBOSCIS SUNLIGHT! / A man waltzing with a bull is just good old-fashioned America.|
|Fredericton||AGORAPHOBIC HAMSTER HAS A SITUATION / <
|Halifax||Guy: ...and so it seems obvious that Thomas Jefferson was mostly being sarcastic. / [[Guy looks around a bit; nobody is there.]] / Guy: I should probably find someone to say that to. / [[Guy walks]] / Here you have to imagine like 15 more panels of the dude walking. / [[A hoplite blender does battle with a pistol-wielding Roman on a brontosaurus.]] / If this is what you imagined, you did it wrong, but you probably had a better time. / I was imagining this: / [[Breakfast!]] / mostly because I'm a little hungry. / Guy: Hey, wanna hear something about the Declaration of Independence? / I eat tons of breakfast food. / I make these home fries you'd spank a lion for. / Nice and crispy, liberally spiced... / Anyway, here's how today's story ends: / [[The Pelican Cello does battle with the Tri-Hat Orca.]]|
|Quebec City||13.7 billion years ago, the universe said: / Universe (as a singularity): I hope you like your bangs BIG. / Some 80s chick I guess: Oh, I DO. / Mr. Pies: I received an envelope in the post today. / Mr. Glasses: In the "post today"? So you got it tomorrow? / Mr. Glasses: You can't do that. / Mr. Glasses: I bought all this stock in the future perfect tense, so you'd better use it. / [[the future perfect tense stock glows green]] / Mr. Hat or maybe Crazy Flattop: Dude, where he's from they say "the post" instead of "the mail." / [[Mr. Hat or maybe Crazy Flattop roundhouse kicks a ninja]] / Mr. Hat or maybe Crazy Flattop: "The mail" refers to the armor they all wear all the time. / Mr. Hat or maybe Crazy Flattop: It's a very stabby country. / Meanwhile, in that country / Macaroni: Shake your booty / "To Macaroni" Sign: ooty / Macaroni: ooty! / Meanwhile, in a universe in which time stopped progressing while this tarsier was saying a swear word / Tarsier: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu / Earlier / King Albatross: I hereby proclaim tarsier balls the new currency.|
|Toronto||GRAPE + APPLE
/ ORANGE + TANGERINE
/ WHITE GRAPE / Guy: what are you doing?
/ Wizard: Carving my favorite juice into this doghouse. / Wizard: I am doing so with the aid of man's first invention: the knife. / Guy: Congratulations! You are now the mayor of WRONG CITY. / Not to be confused with Pong City. <
|Septimus I||IMPRESSIONIST CUSTODIAN
/ Impressionist Custodian (IC) (thinking): Oh great -- someone knocked the trash can over. / IC (thinking): This apple core is the same mix of yellow and brown as the sandy shore of lake Cyclopentasiloxane. / Paula and I made love so feverishly upon that shore. But then... / ...she asked that fateful question:
/ Paula: What kind of plant produces eggplants?
/ IC: Eggplant-bearing plants are called "eggplants." / Paula: That's absurd!
/ IC: It isn't! Do not cows come from cows? / Paula: I suppose you think oranges give birth to baby oranges? / IC: Paula! Come back!
/ IC (thinking): Baby Oranges was a puppy I found on a swingset when I was 8. / <
|Septimus II||Impressionist Custodian (thinking): Only then, decades later, did I realize I'd been visited by a ghost. / Impressionist Custodian: Good coffee. What is it? / Lady: 10W-30. / Lady (thinking): His face reminds me of Patrick -- not that I like Patrick for his face... / Lady: Oh Patrick, you have the sexiest washboard abs! I -- I'm attracted to washboards. / Patrick: Do you think trees urinate? / Lady: I suppose everything urinates, in its way. / Lady (thinking): I had been ignored. / Lady (thinking): I hadn't felt so insignificant since 20 minutes earlier. / Lady: Excuse me, but you seem to be standing on my head. / Headstander: How is "wolf" spelled? / Bandana Guy (thinking): I wonder if he means "Woolf" or "wolf" / Bandana Guy (thinking): or maybe "WLF"? / Wisconsin Lettuce Federation Guy (shooting Wisconsin Lattice Federation Guy): Wisconsin Lattice Federation sucks! / Wisconsin Lotus Federation Guy (aiming a bow at Wisconsin Lettuce Federation Guy): Wisconsin Lettuce Federation sucks!|
|Septimus III||Wisconsin Lettuce Federation Guy (WLFG): Wisconsin is a violent, spiteful place. / Bartending Unicorn: Is that where you got that arrow? / WLFG: Yeah. Doctor said if I took it out there'd be a giant spider invasion. / [[Bartending Unicorn imagines a giant spider approaching a house. Soon, Windex falls from the sky, flooding the neighborhood and drowning all the giant spiders.]] / [[This Windex was pouring from a giant bottle of Windex high in the clouds, who is then approached by a Puma-Rhino-Bat Carrot. The Windex bottle puts on its viking cap and draws its sword.]] / Puma-Rhino-Bat-Carrot (thinking): I used to have a helmet like that. / Puma-Rhino-Bat-Carrot (thinking): I wore it all the time while I was writing my first screenplay.|
|Dave A Une Mauvaise Journ||Dave: Does this frighten you?
/ Lady: No; I am at ease because birds are partying in my yard. / Dave: Ah, but now you are floating away. Frightened?
/ Lady: Nope. Bird party. / Dave: You'll be dead soon, you know.
/ Lady: No biggie. / Mr. Survey: Hey Dave! I'm taking a survey. Would you mind rating your level of pants enjoyment? / [[Dave produces a knife]] / <
|Past Actions Of Crabs||Sunflower: Learning is for everyone.
/ Vigilante: Don't need to learn. Got a porpoise launcher. / <
|Furniture Unity||Astronaut 1: When we say "menopause," what we really mean is "menostop," right?
/ Astronaut 2: I've actually never said "menopause." / Earlier
/ Astronaut 2: Menopause, menopause, meno meno menopause / Astronaut 1: I've written up a formal letter pushing the change to "menostop," but I don't know who to send it to. / Astronaut 2: The Denver Broncos?
/ Astronaut 1: Obviously, but who else? / <
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 >>