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Entschuldigung Ben Graham Smith: I went in to schedule a haircut the other day. / Ben Graham Smith: I can't speak Czech, and the woman there could barely speak English. / Ben Graham Smith: She asked where I was from. When I said, "U.S.," she went, "Ah! Obama! We like Obama!" / Ben Graham Smith: Then before I could do anything she says, "You: Obama," and writes down "Obama" in her appointment book. / Ben Graham Smith: When I go in there next week, that's what I have to give as my name. "Obama."
http://actionathena.com/2009/04/16/entschuldigung/
Shit Just Got Political If colleges are like mothers, protecting us from the real world, then Hampshire is a BIPOLAR POTHEAD BABY BOOMER! / Radical in her youth, her ideals have since mellowed into tame cliches. / Mother Hampshire: Radical...but sustainable...y'know? / Too busy with her own drama, her parenting skills are often nonexistent. / Mother Hampshire: Actually, I'm writing a BOOK about aura colors! / Mostly she ignores you, but then out of the blue... / Mother Hampshire: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! THAT'S TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE! What, you think you're some big ARTIST?! / She tries to disguise her own flakiness are a parenting lesson. / Mother Hampshire: Hey--can I borrow 5 bucks? Kids...uh...kids your age can't handle that much money anyway. / Just when you're ready to throw in the towel, she's suddenly there for you. / Mother Hampshire: You can't leave me! I looove you! / Still, she has her merits. / Mickey: Naw, I can't go out. My mom caught me drinking, and now I'm grounded. / Athena: HA HA, sucker! My mom has no rules! / So I guess I'll stick with the dysfunction. / [[Athena and Mother Hampshire toke up together. In the corner, the Hampshire logo.]] / It's a breadfruit tree, I swear!
http://actionathena.com/2009/04/17/shit-just-got-political/
Rosenthalerstrasse as in Mitte as in Hipster Central Rosenthalerstrasse... / [[Athena and a dude walk past one another.]] / [[They notice one another and express shock.] / Athena: I think I just met my hipster male counterpart.
http://actionathena.com/2009/04/20/rosenthalerstrasse-as-in-mitte-as-in-hipster-central/
Tryin' a Feel My Hump, Hump Athena: I feel PRETTY today! / Dude with Child: Hey. I like your body. / Dude with Child: Hey, where you going? Let's get together. / Athena: Damnit, I knew I was gonna nip out in this. / Athena: I feel HOT tonight! / [[Athena dances with Sierra. A sketchy dude looks on greedily.]] / [[Sketchy dude grabs Athena's ass.]] / Athena: Geez, I must look like a slutty, drunk American. / Athena: I feel LOVELY right now! / [[An asshole stands very close to Athena on the subway, even though there is PLENTY MORE SPACE.]] / [[The asshole touches Athena's crotch.]] / Athena: WHAT THE FUCK.
http://actionathena.com/2009/04/22/tryin-a-feel-my-hump-hump/
Oops I Did It Again Athena: I have a house for next year. / Athena: And a committee. / Athena: And a project I'm excited about. / Athena: And I can buy booze while doin' it!
http://actionathena.com/2009/04/25/oops-i-did-it-again/
 
Schneewittchen Athena: There's a new poster up in the U-Bahn stations. / Athena: It's for a ballet. But who gives a fuck about THAT part? / Athena: I keep catching dudes staring at it, then looking away. / Athena: The best was this hipster in Mitte. He kept walking back to stare longingly--WOEFULLY. / Athena: Of course, I stare too. How can you not?? / Athena's Boob: aw.
http://actionathena.com/2009/04/27/schneewittchen/
The Last Straw German Professor: So when did God have to give up some of his powers? / French Student: When Nietsche wrote that He died? / [[German Professor stops and thinks.]] / German Professor: That was the last straw. / German Professor: Cogito Ergo Sum. Descartes.
http://actionathena.com/2009/04/29/the-last-straw/
KUNST Handmade Doll With Eyebrows: OMG!!! KUNST!!! UNGLAUBLICH!!! / Handmade Doll With Glasses: JA. KUNST IST MEIN LEBENSWERK. / Handmade Doll With Shawl: I'm wearing a pashmina.
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/01/kunst/
B-Flat David Beecroft & His Band / Club B-Flat / Berlin / May 2, 2009
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/04/b-flat/
February Vs. May BERLIN: FEBRUARY / EIS CAFE / BERLIN: MAY / EIS CAFE
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/06/february-vs-may/
 
Hairy Dreams Athena: I can't tell you how many of my dreams are about hair. / Athena: Many are about spontaneously cutting my hair--then feeling my stomach sink as i realize how long it will take to grow out again. / Athena: Or I pass a mirror and notice my hair's MUCH shorter than I'd thought. / Athena: Still other dreams are about PULLING hair. Silky handfuls of Pretty Girl Hair. We are yelling and fighting. She tries to pull my hair too, but it's too short to get a grip on. / Athena: I wake up in a panic, but am reassured to realize my hair is unchanged, and I have not initiated any fights.
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/08/hairy-dreams/
I Never Really Got Into Le Tigre Peter G: I high school, one by one, all of my female friends came out. / Peter G: It was great. I was really into Le Tigre then, so I was like, I need some lesbian friends! / Peter: Some of them switched back eventually, of course.
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/11/i-never-really-got-into-le-tigre/
Poland Is Not Yet Lost Athena: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah / [[Athena stretches her arms over her head and clasps one hand around a wrist.]] / Athena: blah blah blah blah blah blah / [[A homeless guy comes over and grabs Athena's clasped hands.]] / Homeless Guy: ha! / [[Athena looks up at him, pissed. Sierra laughs.]] / Homeless Guy: Sorry!
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/13/poland-is-not-yet-lost/
Ponies n' Magic n' Sparkles PMS: / I've never understood the stereotypes about PMS symptoms, becuase for me, it never happens that way at all. Rather... / It's as if the world turns up all its sounds and colors and smells. / Athena: Not to mention sense of touch! / Everything becomes so beautiful as to be slightly painful. / Babies, and cats, and music... / Athena: It's too much! / Thinking about my sister and how much I love her makes me cry. / Phoebe: Beano, you're embarrassing. / I don't turn mean--just inward.
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/15/ponies-n-magic-n-sparkles/
Robot Sex Contest [[Athena's entry into Jess Fink's contest for her comic Chester 5000 XYV.]] / [[Chester device illustrated: The Footsie. An attachable foot that's soft and squishy and squid-like.]] / [[Chest and Priscilla make eyes on a couch. Eventually Chester sticks the squid foot into Priscilla. An endless Mcloudian circle.]]
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/18/robot-sex-contest/
 
Stumbling Peter G: So I was stumbling yesterday, and-- / Ada: You were STUMBLING? / [[Peter glares at Ada.] / Peter G: I was stumbling, and it turns out there's a TERM for wind tunnels! / Athena: Is it "wind tunnel"? / [[Peter glares at Athena.]] / Peter G: NO. But I don't remember what it is.
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/20/stumbling/
Lifetime Television Athena: So how do the rest of those Nena lyrics go, exactly? "Hast do etwas--" / Peter G: HAST DO ETWAS ZEIT FUR MICH! / Peter G: DANN SINGE ICH EIN LIED FUR DICH! / Ada: I was gonna say, you really shouldn't get him started on this song. / Peter G: VON NEUN UND NEUNZIG LUFTBALONS!
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/22/lifetime-television/
Sharon Stone's Crotch My Favorite Fellow Travelers of Last Week: / The subway musician who softly sang "Love Me Tender" while waiting for an U-Bahn. He had an unlit cigarette in his mouth. He wasn't playing for money then, but it was beautiful. When we got on the U-Bahn, he played "Just a Gigolo." I gave him a Euro. / The beautiful young dog who captured the attention of literally every subway passenger in his vicinity, making all of us smile as he leapt and played for his owner. / The baby who walked back and forth, back and forth, over the joint between two train cars, thrilled by it every time, and laughing hysterically to let me know. / Also the baby's father, who patiently led the kid across each time, bending low and holding out his arms to prevent stumbles.
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/25/sharon-stones-crotch/
Whiiiine About a month ago I was unlocking my door when I realized I had company. / Greyhound: WHINE / It was a beautiful, red/gold greyhound. / She smiled and wagged her tail for me, but left as soon as her owner called. / I was irrationally offended by her departure. / A week later, I had just sarted dinner when I heard something. / Cat [[through door]]: WHINE / This time it was a marble-spotted cat. / I called her, and wiggled my fingers, and even set out a dish of milk, but she wouldn't come close. / I think maybe it's not cats and dogs that I need. / Athena: WHINE
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/27/whiiiine/
Dreamy Fabian I had a dream that I had a new cat and I was shownig it to Phoebe. / Athena: But look, Phoebe, it's not really a cat, it's a magic cat, it's Fabian. / [[The cat becomes Fabian.]] / Phoebe: Oh! / Fabian: I'm embarrassed that I'm so small--that's why I felt more comfortable being a cat. / Athena: Oh, don't worry about it Fabian! / Phoebe: Yeah, we actually both really LIKE small men! / And then we pet him.
http://actionathena.com/2009/05/29/dreamy-fabian/
 
Berlin I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down Athena: Wow, a spring evening in Alexanderplatz! I think I'll eat dinner here! / Athena [[getting a falafel]]: oh god so hungry haven't eaten all day. / Athena: oh here's a free bench, I'll sit here. / Off Screen: heh heh / German Delinquents: SNORT SNORT / Athena [[chewing]]: wait--was that directed at me? / German Delinquents: SNOORRRRT SNORT SNORT / German Delinquents: heh heh / Athena: whatevs, may that wasn't about me at all. / German Delinquents: tastes good? SNORT / Athena: for real? that just happened for real?
http://actionathena.com/2009/06/01/berlin-i-love-you-but-youre-bringing-me-down/
Assholes For Everybody Peter G: So do you really wanna hear the story of me getting my stent removed? / Athena: Yes! Now! / Peter G: So the nurse comes in and tells me to remove everything but my shirt. There was no hospital gown. / Peter G: Oh, and the pain pills they gave me? They're called "Retard Kapseln." Not kidding. / Subway Dude: He's gay. / Peter G: Aaanyway, so then she comes back with this GIANT NEEDLE, and I didn't wanna look down to see what she was doing, but-- / Subway Dude: He's gay. He's gay. / Peter G: And she just shoves this needle STRAIGHT up my dick, which was awkward, because I'm TOTALLY GAY. / Peter G: Anyway, I swear, this was like the WORST pain of my life. So she starts to pull the stent out, and-- / Subway Dude: He's gay. / Subway Dude: He's gay. / Peter: Yep. The MOST GAY I could POSSIBLY be! / Peter: Anyway, I've still got like 40 of those Retard Kapseln left.
http://actionathena.com/2009/06/03/assholes-for-everybody/
Four Jokers Monday, 10:45 AM, U-7 / [[Four dudes have painted their faces to look like the Joker.]] / Athena: So what's with the face paint? / Hat Dude: What do you mean? / Curly Dude: Yeah, this is just our skin tone. / Hat Dude [[getting in Athena's personal space]]: No no--you want to hear the real story? Okay. / Curly Dude: So--we were bored. / Curly Dude: And then we got drunk. / Curly Dude: And then we were still bored. / [[All the dudes grin evilly.]]
http://actionathena.com/2009/06/06/four-jokers/
I Guess Christian Had a Good Weekend Too [[Athena whistles off screen.]] / [[Athena sits on the toilet and pees.]] / [[Athena stands and turns to flush.]] / Athena: DEAR LORD! / Athena: Did that come from ME? I thought I just PEED! / Athena: Nope. No, that is not mine. That is vomit.
http://actionathena.com/2009/06/08/i-guess-christian-had-a-good-weekend-too/
And Within Phoebe, A Lot Of Bullshit When I try to look for "meaning" in my life, it gets a bit like those Russian stacking dolls. / There is the world. And within that, the U.S. And within that, Minnesota. And within that, Northfield. / An in Northfield, Phoebe. / Phoebe: Hey cunt, what's up?
http://actionathena.com/2009/06/10/and-within-phoebe-a-lot-of-bullshit/
 
Puke in the Toilet, Pee in a Cup Athena: Yep, that's right, I woke up and the tub and toilet were torn out. No warning. / Athena: Yeah, well, I'm SICK and I'm BITCHY. I'll piss where I want. / Athena: Oh, hello Landlady's Fancy Goblet. / [[Athena pores piss from the goblet into a drain on her balcony.]] / LATER: / Christian: Atayna--you know you can still use the toilet, ja? You just have to pour water.
http://actionathena.com/2009/06/12/puke-in-the-toilet-pee-in-a-cup/
New Waters This week, four men were released from Guantanamo, and sent to Bermuda. / NORTH ATLANTIC. CUBA. CARIBBEAN SEA. / There, they went swimming in the ocean--some for the first time in their lives. / NORTH ATLANTIC. BERMUDA. NORTH ATLANTIC. / I too went to the ocean this weekend--though I was too wussy to go in. / SWEDEN. GERMANY. BALTIC SEA. FINLAND. POLAND. / The men are mostly in their early 30s. They were imprisoned for 7 years. Which means, when they were captured, they were barely older than I am now. / They were escaping on bully of a country. / CHINA / But another one got in the way. / U.S.A.
http://actionathena.com/2009/06/15/new-waters/
Fucking Schildkr?te DEAR DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR WHO HATES ME WITH A FIERY PASSION: / Obviously, we got off on the wrong foot. / You think I am an idiotic American. I think you are MEAN. / The washing machine was never well explained to me. I had been living in the apartment for a grand total of four days when the accident happened. / If Christian had not previously done the same thing, and mad the bathroom tiles not been torn up, I wonder of the damage would've been less. / You, however, do not wonder. You have simply focused all of your blame and rage on me. / I tried to say sorry for sweeping water off of my balcony, when you screamed in my face. But there is no German equivalent to "I'm Sorry." So I said "Excuse Me" repeatedly but you just screamed some more and repeated my words mockingly before leaving in a huff. / I don't know if you speak English--you've always just assumed my German is adequate to interpret your lighting-speed lecturing. Anyway, I'm going home now. / Athena: tschussi!
http://actionathena.com/2009/06/17/fucking-schildkrote/
Closing Remarks Berlin's population is 3,400,000. Its area is 344 square miles. / For a point of comparison, consider that the five boroughs of New York hold 8,274,527 within 305 square miles. / Berlin is not dense. But it is large. / That's what happens when you erect a wall around a giant, largely unbuilt chunk of land, and declare it the city's "West." Slowly, it becomes that. / There are still some open spaces. But they're filling in fast. / Five months is not enough time to feel like a real member of a city. Ten years might not be. Especially for a city in a foreign country. / Berlin is wonderful, but it's not mine. And I still don't "know" it. / I've developed my little routes. / I've carved out small spaces. / I don't know what else I thought would happen here. How many experiences are truly "life changing"? / Some people see traveling in a nearly religious way. Travel, and you will find all the answers. / Q: What do you know now? / A: I'm ready to go home. But I will miss the cheap beer.
http://actionathena.com/2009/06/19/closing-remarks/
A Regular Rapunzel Maia: So would you say you're a pun SNOB? / Sarah Goldfeather: No! Well--yes. Like, I usually don't like puns about PUNS. / Sarah Goldfeather: Like, "I'm a regular RapPUNzel!" / Maia: ... / Sarah Goldfeather: That's just too easy! / Maia: Do you ever write down your puns? When they're reall good? / Sarah Goldfeather: In Vienna I did. / Sarah Goldfeather: In Vienna, no one liked my puns. / Sarah Goldfeather: I had no one to share them with, so I had to start a pun notebook. / [[Maia stares at Sarah incredulously. Sarah smiles.]]
http://actionathena.com/2009/06/22/a-regular-rapunzel/
 

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