You're browsing the archives of Ask Dr. Eldritch.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| 061 - Good Advice | Dude, there's something you should see.
/ Show me.
/ You'll miss this!
/ Around here, it's a bad idea to ignore someone when they say "You'd better see this." / And I'd be a poor advice columnist if I didn't follow my own advice.
/ You're an ADVICE COLUMNIST?
/ That's right. / Stuff like "My sister slept with mi\y fiance, do I have to invite her to the wedding?"
/ No, more like "My sister's a werewolf and she ate my fiance, so should I make HER tell everyone why the wedding's off, or just shoot her with a silver bullet?" / Damn. Shoot her, right?
/ Not if people have already sent gifts. http://askdreldritch.com/comic061.html |
| 062 - Name Calling | Excuse me, Mr. Eater...
/ Address me not in that manner, Puny Creature! / I mean, "Mr. Eater" is my dad. / Seriously? / No, I'm just screwing with you. Call me whatever.
/ Oh, I'm thinking of a couple names right now. http://askdreldritch.com/comic062.html |
| 063 - On Schedule | Dr. Eldritch: What sort of time frame were you thinking on this whole "Eating the Universe" plan?
/ The Eater: This universe is near boundless, a hundred billion of your years may pass before it is all consumed. / The Eater: And before I can begin, I must cocoon myself for ten thousand years to develop into my adult form.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Oh, good. So we've got some time before you get started. / The Eater: Indeed, well, I'll need to devour this entire solar system to build my chrysalis. You've got a couple hours.
/ Dr. Eldritch: What!?! There are almost seven billion people on this planet! / The Eater: And so the whining begins. . .
/ Dr. Eldritch: And celebrities! http://askdreldritch.com/comic063.html |
| 064 - I Walk, You Walk, He Walks | [[Dr. Eldritch, Val, Trevor, and Ping face a giant shadow that wants to eat the universe.]]
/ Eater of All: Next was the universe with the teddy-bear creatures. Sure, they were cute at first, but then they got REALLY annoying.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Fascinating. But I meant how did you get HERE? / Eater of All: A gateway opened between dimensions. I sent this part of myself through it.
/ Val: Oh, I think I did that. Sorry. My bad. / [[Dr. Eldritch turns to face Val]]
/ Dr. Eldritch: You brought him here?
/ Val: Not on purpose! I was trying to impress someone by forcing the portal to stay open. / Dr. Eldritch: Well, now you'll impress the "I Wish I Could Destroy The World" crowd. If there are any left two hours from now.
/ Val: I SAID I'm sorry.
/ Eater of All: That place also had the little green guys with big ears. They were all like "Eat my universe, you will not!" Heh! They tasted like chicken. http://askdreldritch.com/comic064.html |
| 065 - More Good Advice | Dr. Eldritch: There's rather a lot of us using this universe right at the moment, so we'd prefer if it wasn't eaten. Could you come back in a few billion years, and see if we're done with it then?
/ The Eater: Your petty dislikes mean nothing to me, human. / Dr. Eldritch: Oh. Well, I thought I'd ask. See you. / Val: That's it? You're not going to do anything?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Of course, I am. But it would be rather stupid to tell him that. He'd be all "Then I shall consume you right now, puny mortal."
/ Ping: Hey, guys? Short legs, here! / Val: So you're just snaking him! Boy's pretty smart!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Advice Columnist, remember?
/ Ping: Come on! Wait up! http://askdreldritch.com/comic065.html |
| 066 - Dialog Contest #1 | Shazzgoth: I am Shazzgoth! Worship me, and you shall have great pleasures of the tentacle kind!
/ Kari: AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE! / Dr. Eldritch: So, you're an ancient god? In a wardrobe?
/ Shazzgoth: All the good furniture was taken. / Dr. Eldritch: Here, have a marshmallow. They're soporific for gods.
/ Shazzgoth: I know not the meaning of that, but I will try it.
/ Trevor: I didn't lick that one. / Shazzgoth: Whoa! I can taste my own tentacles! Wait, did I just say that out loud? Hee Hee Hee!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Or was that "Hallucinogenic?"
/ Shazzgoth: Bring Shazzgoth pudding! And beer! http://askdreldritch.com/comic066.html |
| 067 - Bad News | Kari: Hey the cable's acting up. Could you look at it?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Sorry, I'm trying to keep the world from being destroyed. / Kari: It's okay to just say, "No." You don't have to make up some lame excuse.
/ Trevor: It's true. The Eater of All is going to eat the Earth. / Kari: What! Eat the Earth? AAUUGHH!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Don't worry. We're not going to die. Well, probably not, anyway. / Kari: We're going to die? AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!
/ Val: Someone's wound pretty tight.
/ Dr. Eldritch: She's new.
/ Ping: What did I miss? http://askdreldritch.com/comic067.html |
| 068 - An Offer | Val: I know we just met, but the world could end soon, and you seem pretty open-minded. . . .
/ Val: Do you want to spend your last hours worrying, or having the most fun two people can have? / Kari: You don't mean. . .?
/ Val: You bet I do. / Kari: What? Does EVERYONE want to have sex with me?
/ Trevor: Sure! I'm in!
/ Ping: Me too! / Dr. Eldritch: You might want to be more careful how you phrase your rhetorical questions.
/ Kari: Yeah, I got that.
/ Ping: So, do we take turns, or what? http://askdreldritch.com/comic068.html |
| 069 - Prime Directiveless | Dr. Eldritch: Before you all embarrass Kari any more, I've got a phase shifter that should knock that Eater thing into the void between dimensions.
/ Kari: Will that kill him?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Probably, he won't have anything to eat. / Kari: Isn't that wrong? He may be willing to destroy our entire universe, but he's a sentient being just trying to survive. Shouldn't we find a place where he can exist in peace, where he can't hurt anyone, instead of killing him? / Dr. Eldritch: I gave him the chance to leave us alone. And Real Life isn't like Star Trek. We don't have to protect alien life forms who are cheerfully trying to kill us. / Kari: Then kick his tush out of here!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Um, I don't think he has. . .
/ Kari: You know what I mean! http://askdreldritch.com/comic069.html |
| #070 - There's No Lead in a Laser Beam | Trevor: No, I swear it's not a joke. Curling really is a sport.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Sorry to keep you all waiting.
/ Kari: Hey, that's a vacuum cleaner! / Eldritch: No, I built the Phase Shifter in a vacuum cleaner housing.
/ Kari: When you turn it on, you should say "Time to take out the trash!"
/ Trevor: Heh! So it sucks to get stuck between dimensions!
/ Ping: He looks like my cousin Artie! / Eldritch: Come on! We're trying to save the world here, can't we be serious?
/ Kari, Ping, Trevor: Sorry. / Eldritch: I guess I could say "Suck vacuum, Eater!"
/ Kari, Ping, Trevor: YEAH! http://askdreldritch.com/comic070.html |
| 071 - Unexpected Results | Dr. Eldritch: Don't mind me, I'm just going to set this here and turn it on.
/ The Eater: I have no interest in your actions, human. For all I care, you can take a. . . What is that device? / Dr. Eldritch: Oh, it's nothing.
/ The Eater: Wait! Don't! It will destroy me! Have mercy, human! I beg you! No not activate that machine!
/ < http://askdreldritch.com/comic071.html |
| 072 - All For One... | [[Dr. Eldritch, Kari, Trevor, Val and Ping talking in the hallway]]
/ Dr. Eldritch: That didn't go so well.
/ Val: Looks like y'all are busy, so I'll just go. See ya!
/ Ping: Hey, take me with you! / Dr. Eldritch: Ping, you promised to obey the first Two Laws. And YOU can't just bring the Eater into this universe and leave when things look bad. Come on, we need to go figure out what we're going to do next. / [[Others have left, only Val and Ping are still in the hallway]]
/ Val: Why's he got to give me all that? It's not my fault! No way is he going to make me feel all guilty! I don't want to be dying today!
/ Ping: Spray paint? / [[Good Luck! spray painted on the green carpet. No one left in the hallway]] http://askdreldritch.com/comic072.html |
| 073 - Priorities | Kari: Where's Val? And Ping?
/ Dr. Eldritch: They're probably hopping the portal out of here.
/ Kari: But you said they couldn't leave!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Sure, I think its wrong for them to go, but I can't MAKE them stay. / Kari: So, just hypothetically, what would be the downside if we left too?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Well, having the loss of the entire planet and over six billion human deaths on our consciences. / Kari: And other than that?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Untold numbers of puppies and kittens would die. / Kari: Oh No! We can't let that happen!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Exactly! Mass extinction is BAD when it happens to cute baby animals! http://askdreldritch.com/comic073.html |
| 074 - Assignments | Dr. Eldritch: Trevor, you watch the Eater and radio me if anything changes. I'll be in the lab.
/ Kari: We're all going to die aren't we?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Kari, there's a cheerleader outfit in the front hall closet. . . / Dr. Eldritch: Put it on, and meet us upstairs.
/ Kari: How is that going to help?
/ Dr. Eldritch: It's. . .technical. / Kari: There's NO WAY I'm going to. . .
/ Dr. Eldritch: Do you REALLY think we have time to argue about this?
/ Kari: Fine. / Trevor: Why do I always get the boring job?
/ Kari: I'll trade you.
/ Trevor: No. I'm cool. http://askdreldritch.com/comic074.html |
| 075 - Tremors | Trevor: And then there was that time a tanker truck of lard spilled on the interstate. . . / < http://askdreldritch.com/comic075.html |
| 076 - Second Thoughts | [[Val, Ping, and Kari in the hallway, standing on the spray-painted "GOOD LUCK!, Kari in a cheerleader outfit...]]
/ Val: Whoa, girlfriend, you look hot!
/ Kari: Val? I thought you left. / Val: Well, I was going to, but then my rifle was still downstairs, and by the time I found it, the portal had shifted. So I thought I could, you know, see what was going on... I didn't feel guilty or anything. / Ping: Yeah, right! She felt so bad, she wouldn't even let ME leave!
/ Kari: I can see that.
/ Ping: And guess what I can see! / Kari: A vision of a rude little robot being vigorously pummeled?
/ Ping: Well, yeah, NOW. http://askdreldritch.com/comic076.html |
| 077 - Second Chance | Dr. Eldritch: Ping. Val.
/ Val: Hey.
/ Dr. Eldritch: I'm glad you're back. I need you to locate the portal and hold it closed, so if we can't stop the Eater, he won't spread into another dimension. / Val: Can't you use that panel thing in the basement?
/ Dr. Eldritch: No, that's environmental controls. The best we could do with that is make the mansion really muggy. I don't think that would help. / Ping: Um, can we be on the other side of the portal to hold it shut?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Yes, it will be more secure actually, if you go through it first. / Ping: Why'd we come back then? That's exactly what we were going to do!!
/ Dr. Eldritch: But now you're leaving for the right reason.
/ Ping: Stupid human emotions. http://askdreldritch.com/comic077.html |
| 078 - Hitting the Klein Bottle | Kari: So, what IS that you're carrying?
/ Dr. Eldritch: It's a cascading Klein Bottle Matryoshka. There are twelve nesting Klein Bottles, each smaller than the next, but the smallest one exists simultaneously outside the largest one. / Kari: So that's the largst one?
/ Dr. Eldritch: No, the smallest.
/ Kari: The ones inside it are BIGGER?
/ Dr. Eldritch: That's right. / Kari: Okay. And that will work?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Only if you can convince the Eater to be inside it when he starts expanding. / Kari: Me!?! I can't... I don't know... What if...
/ Dr. Eldritch: Hey, nice pom poms!
/ Kari: If this is just some cheerleader fetish of yours, I'd better be getting a free month's rent for wearing it. http://askdreldritch.com/comic078.html |
| 079 - All Dressed Up | Kari: How DOES this costume fit into the plan?
/ Dr. Eldritch: You were getting caught up in being scared. You needed something else to think about. / Kari: So there's no actual REASON for me to be wearing it?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Don't underestimate the value of redirection. You're not nearly as frightened while you're being annoyed at me, are you? / Kari: No, I guess not. I take back some of those bad things I was thinking about you.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Plus, Trevor bet me that I couldn't get you to wear it. / Kari: If we live through this, you are SO going to regret that.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Probably. Where's a troll going to get $5? / {{Plus, he has no pockets.}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic079.html |
| 080 - Nowhere Else To Go | Dr. Eldritch: Since there's no way we can stop you, I was going to ask if you'd start your pupation from inside this bottle. But Kari says you can't fit in it.
/ Eater of All: Of course I can. I am both vast and minuscule at once. I merely choose not to. / Kari: See, I told you he couldn't! He's a bit wide around the middle.
/ Eater of All: I am not! I am perfectly proportioned for my life stage. It would just be undignified. / Kari: Yeah, here come the excuses.
/ Eater of All: I know you're trying to trick me. Do not think that enclosing me in a container will save you. And I could get in if I wanted to. / Dr. Eldritch: Oh, great. Now she's doing the "I'm Right And You're Not" dance.
/ Eater of All: No! You're wrong! Stop dancing!
/ Kari: Up next, the "I Told You So" dance! http://askdreldritch.com/comic080.html |
| #081 - Lost and Found | [[Kari, Eldritch, and Trevor, gathered around the Eater of All. The Matryoshka Klein Bottle lies on the floor in front of the Eater.]]
/ Kari: You know what? I think you'd get stuck halfway in, and have your behind sticking out. That would be so funny! I don't blame you for not even trying.
/ Eater of All: Oh, you vexing human! Watch! / [[Eater of All starts to pour himself into the Klein bottle.]]
/ <<*shoooop!*>> / Kari: Not bad, but I bet you can't fit in the smallest bottle.
/ Eater of All: Are you not paying attention? This is no challenge for me!
/ <<*shooop!* *shooop!* *shoooop*! *shooop!* *shoooop!*>> / Kari: You stopped. Are you stuck?
/ Eater of All: No! There's um... A yak in here with two slices of bread tied to it.
/ Trevor: My yak sandwich! http://askdreldritch.com/comic081.html |
| #082 - No Show | <<*RUMBLE*>>
/ Eater of All: Prepare for your final moments! Soon this world will witness the glory of my transformation! / Dr. Eldritch: Won't we be obliterated instantly? Nobody will see anything. Your glory will be totally unwitnessed. / [[Trevor, Kari, and Eldritch continue to stare at the Matryoshka Klein Bottles which contain the Eater of All.]] / Eater of All: You know you just sucked ALL the fun out of this.
/ Dr. Eldritch: I'll try to feel bad about that. No promises. http://askdreldritch.com/comic082.html |
| #083 - Eater, We Hardly Knew Ye | [[Trevor, Kari, and Dr. Eldritch, watching Klein bottle. The entire scene is vibrating.]]
/ <<*RUMBLE* *RUMBLE RUMBLE*>>
/ Eater of All: My time has come! Farewell, humans. Don't worry, I won't miss you when you're gone. / [[Klein bottle disappears.]]
/ <<*POP!*>> / Dr. Eldritch: Hey, we're still here!
/ [[Kari jumps up and down, hugging Trevor]]
/ Kari: We did it! WE DID IT!
/ Trevor: Hooray! / Kari: Okay, we stop hugging now.
/ Trevor: In a minute. Yay! Woohoo!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Bad troll! No! http://askdreldritch.com/comic083.html |
| #084 - Logic Interruptus | Kari: So as he expanded OUTWARD, he was also expanding INWARD...
/ Dr. Eldritch: Exactly. So the eater ate himself. / Kari: But what doesn't make sense to me...
/ Dr. Eldritch: Before you go any farther, consider the potential impact of creating a logical syllogism that negates the universe-saving effect of the Klein bottle, as compared to forgetting all about it and just having some ice cream. / {{Silent Penultimate Panel}} / Kari: Is there any Chunky Monkey left?
/ Dr. Eldritch: That's the spirit! http://askdreldritch.com/comic084.html |
| #085 - Afterward | Kari: You know, you just saved the world.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Actually, WE saved the entire universe.
/ Kari: You don't seem very excited about it.
/ Dr. Eldritch: The first few times I was. Now it's not such a big deal.
/ Kari: You've done this BEFORE? / Dr. Eldritch: Not this exactly, but yes, I have, on several occasions. What most people don't know is that this sort of thing happens every few months somewhere in the world. Humanity has been on the verge of total annihilation THOUSANDS of times. Someone always manages to stop it. So far, anyway. / Kari: I will never sleep again.
/ Dr. Eldritch: You'll get used to it. http://askdreldritch.com/comic085.html |
| #086 - Ignorance Was Better | Dr. Eldritch: You did a great job taunting the Eater. Not everyone would do so well in the face of imminent destruction.
/ Kari: Actually, I figured out that you knew all along that the Klein-bottle thing was going to work. Right? / Dr. Eldritch: Um... No. I THOUGHT the phase shifter would work. The Klein bottle was an act of complete desperation. / Kari: Please tell me you're kidding.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Look on the bright side: If we failed, the end would be quick and painless, and nobody would know we let the world down. / Kari: That's not helping!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Have more ice cream. / {{Oh, no! There goes Tokyo! Go, go, Godzilla!}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic086.html |
| #087 - Fierce Competition | [[Trevor's basement, Trevor making a phone call while he watches TV]]
/ [[voice on phone]]: Reference desk.
/ Trevor: I have a question!
/ [[phone]]: You're still alive?
/ Trevor: I have a friend who wants to be a librarian. How can I... he... do that?
/ TV: Okay, you need to choose! Door #1, or Door #2? / [[Reference desk. Librarian is holding Robert J. Sawyer's End of An Era]]
/ Librarian: HE needs a degree in Library Science. Then he'll have to start at the bottom.
/ [[Trevor's voice]]: Oh, like a librarian's assistant?
/ Librarian: Dream on. During my apprenticeship, I spent a year as a bookshelf. / [[Trevor's voice]]: Hmmm... Is there any faster way?
/ Librarian: You can challenge the Senior Librarian to a cage match. But if you lose, you become a permanent "volunteer." / [[Trevor's basement]]
/ Trevor: That sounds easy enough.
/ [[Librarian's voice]]: Ha! I'm 35 and 0, Newbie.
/ TV: It's the tiger! AAAAUUUGGGHH!
/ TV: *ROAR!* http://askdreldritch.com/comic087.html |
| #088 - It's Too Latte | Ping: Here's your tasty beverage, as requested!
/ Eldritch: I didn't ask for anything.
/ Ping: Whatever. / Eldritch: Ugh! What IS this?
/ Ping: Spiced Coffee! You said you drank it in warm weather.
/ Eldritch: I was talking about ICED coffee. / Ping: You'll like this better!
/ Eldritch: No, this goes so far beyond "Horrid" that it comes around to "Good" again, but keeps right on going to end up at "Bloody Awful." / Ping: Too much curry? http://askdreldritch.com/comic088.html |
| #089 - More Liquor Is More Quicker | [[Kari in the bath. Ping holding a tray with a sandwich and a glass.]]
/ Ping: Having a relaxing time?
/ Kari: How did you get in here?
/ Ping: Look! I made you lunch! / Kari: URK! What is this?
/ Ping: I didn't know what sort of liquor you like, so I mixed them all.
/ Kari: You should never do that again. / Ping: Perhaps it would taste better if you were standing up.
/ Kari: Good idea! I'll give it a try. / Kari: Seriously, did you think I'd fall for that?
/ Ping: You are SUCH a tease! / {{Yes, that is a Waffle Sandwich.}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic089.html |
| #090 - RoboPloy | Ping: Do you not like my cooking?
/ Dr. Eldritch: I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Last night's stuffed grape leaves, for example.
/ Ping: Were they not tasty?
/ Dr. Eldritch: The cherry and jalepeno filling was a bit of a shock. / Ping: I wish to contribute, but I lack a sense of taste and understanding of human preferences.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Pity. Then all we can do is dismantle you for parts and sell the remainder for scrap. / {{Silent Penultimate Panel}} / Ping: So my "Do such a horrible job that you ask me to never help again" plan isn't working?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Advice columnist, remember? http://askdreldritch.com/comic090.html |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 >>