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| Training Day | Girl: This is nice. Just you and Me. No distractions.
/ Girl: Did you find that girl attractive?
/ Guy: Ok. Stay Calm. Remember your training...
/ Guy: Yes?
/ Guy: Crap! http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=34 |
| The Pants | Guy: Listen toots, I wear the pants in this relationship.
/ Girl: Yeah, well I buy the pants. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=47 |
| The Team | Okay, so Bill, you're in charge of puns.
/ I'm the numba one punna!
/ Jeff, you're in charge of random shock value.
/ What's that? I can't hear you, I've got an octopus on my head.
/ Kenny...
/ Ooh! Yeah! What am I in charge of?!
/ You're in charge of punchlines.
/ We had to fire Kenny. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=51 |
| Name? | You know that thing that happens to you when you meet a really pretty girl?
/ Girl: Hi my name is Tiffany. What's your name?
/ Guy: No no no! Not now!
/ Guy: Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.
/ Guy: Where the hell is my name?!
/ Girl: Are you crying? http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=65 |
| Pretty Fair Trade if You Ask Me | When she wins the bets
/ [take out trash]
/ [mow the lawn]
/ [wash the dishes]
/ When I win the bets
/ [pizza box on her head] http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=70 |
| Don't Feed the Squirrels | [guy walks up to a squirrel]
/ Aw. Aren't you cute. Here you go little guy.
/ [squirrel refuses acorn]
/ Stupid squirrel.
/ [throws acorn over his shoulder and it hits the squirrel]
/ [squirrel is rabid]
/ [attacks guy and drags him off] http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=84 |
| The Eternal Struggle | Guy Angel: Dude, put it down.
/ Guy Devil: No way man. Up.
/ Guy Angel: Down!
/ Guy Devil: Up!
/ Girl Angel: Oh my. Ok-ok, um, ok, it's not that bad. Let's not overreact.
/ Girl Devil: Kill Him.
/ Girl Angel: She's right. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=91 |
| The Face That Launched a Thousand Ships | What really happened...
/ Sir, we have a thousand ships ready to be launched at your command.
/ Meh...let Helen go with Paris. She wasn't even that hot anyway.
/ [Paris sticks his tongue out and makes a funny face at the king]
/ He did NOT just make that face at me! http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=108 |
| Misplaced Advice | Um, so, I was thinking maybe, if you want, maybe we could uh, nevermind, forget it.
/ Later...
/ Dad, I get really nervous when I try to talk to girls. What should I do?
/ Nervous?...Well, try picturing them in their underwear.
/ Later...
/ [staring down at the girl's chest]
/ Later...
/ [still staring down... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=117 |
| Oh...and We're Out of Flares | [stranded on a desert island]
/ Girl: Oh my God. I've become my mother. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=120 |
| Two Types of People | As far as I'm concerned, there are only two types of people in this world...
/ Sign: Warning. Do not pee on fence.
/ [type 1 guy reads the sign and walks away]
/ [type 2 guy reads the sign and pees on the fence]
/ [type 1 guy runs back and pees on the fence] http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=123 |
| Breakfast in Bed | [guy rolls in his outdoor barbecue grill into the bedroom and fills the house with smoke]
/ I don't get it. You always hear that making your sweetheart breakfast in bed makes them happy. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=129 |
| The Nap Trap | [giant bear trap on the bed]
/ I like to take naps on my wife's side of the bed when she's not around, but I think she's on to me. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=148 |
| Cupid | [guy puts on red underwear with a heart and shoots his wife in the head with a suction cup arrow]
/ Do you love me yet? http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=156 |
| Italy | Whoa!
/ Daaaaaaang!
/ Waaaaait for it!
/ Waaaaaaait fooor iiit!!
/ [leaning tower of Pisa]
/ Italy sucks. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=163 |
| Romantic Comedy | The only way I'll watch a romantic comedy.
/ [guy sitting on the couch with a giant box of popcorn and a big teddy bear] http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=167 |
| 300 Plates of Crap | Spartans!
/ Tonight...
/ We dine...
/ In HELL!
/ [vegetarian night in Hell]
/ Damn it! http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=171 |
| Bon appe- Damnit! | Spartans!
/ Please...
/ Pass...
/ The Salt!
/ [very long table]
/ You got it boss.
/ Damn it! http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=174 |
| The Sandwich | Dude, remember that time I ate your sandwich?!
/ [2 minutes earlier]
/ What the hell?! That's my sandwich!! http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=180 |
| Watching You | You ever get that feeling like you're being watched?
/ When people are looking at me, yeah man, all the time.
/ That's not what I mean...
/ Dude, if you don't mean it, don't say it.
/ You're really not smart at all are you.
/ Oh by the way I set up a webcam in your room last night. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=183 |
| Pizz-ushi | I was thinkin' we could go out and get some sushi. Do you like sushi?
/ I love sushi.
/ Great. Sushi it is then.
/ [guy pops his head out of the doorway]
/ Did somebody say sushi?
/ Yes, I said sushi, do you want to come?
/ Yeah! I love sushi.
/ [guy 2 pops his head out of the doorway]
/ Did somebody say pizza?
/ No?... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=186 |
| Always Forget Something | I always do this...I can never enjoy trips because I always worry I'm forgetting something.
/ You forget your keys?
/ No no, I got those.
/ Your wallet?
/ Nah, I never forget that.
/ You remember to set your TiVo?
/ Dude...come on...Of course.
/ Then I dunno man.
/ You got me...
/ Dude, this sucks. I know I'm... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=196 |
| Try This Trick At Home | [girl holding the Terminator movie, but the title has been changed to La Terminature, and Arnold is wearing a beret, a mustache, and is smoking a cigerette]
/ What? It's French... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=204 |
| Don't Run With Scissors | Why you shouldn't run with scissors.
/ [guy running through the desert with scissors gets hit in the face with a bat by a guy in a chicken suit] http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=207 |
| The Art of Being Cheap | Wow this is uh...this is really embarrassing.
/ What's wrong?
/ I accidentally left my wallet at home.
/ No you didn't. I can see it. It's right over there in your jacket.
/ Oh that.
/ That's my girlfriend's wallet. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=212 |
| The Sandwich II | Dude, I'll eat a sandwich right now.
/ No you won't.
/ Dude, you don't even know. I'll eat a sandwich RIGHT NOW.
/ Oh my God! You're eating a sandwich! http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=215 |
| The Realist | It's half full
/ The Optimist
/ It's half empty
/ The Pessimist
/ Oh crap, It's friggin evaporating! Drink it!
/ Jim http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=231 |
| Infant Immunity | You really shouldn't let your baby put things like that in his mouth. He could get sick.
/ He'll be fine.
/ He's chewing on a wolverine.
/ I believe babies should be allowed to eat whatever they want so they can build a strong immune system...
/ ...some people might think that it's bad parenting, but in... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=235 |
| Rule #423 | How to impress a girl, Rule #423: Buy a Rubik's Cube right before she comes over, and for the love of everything righteous, don't, touch it. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=240 |
| The Day After Yesterday | [guy looking at milk carton]
/ [guy looks at calendar and it says March 23 and he starts to get nervous]
/ [guy drops the milk carton, spills the milk, and tips over the bowl]
/ [Milk carton shows that the milk expires on March 22]
/ [guy running out of the house]
/ [the house explodes] http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=244 |