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| Smooth Operator | I really think that this could be the start of something beautiful, Sally.
/ Because...you have...eyes...eyes are so wonderful.
/ And hands...God, I love it when a girl has hands. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=249 |
| Distractosaur | [guy having dinner with a dinosaur]
/ [guy distracting the T-Rex and reaching for his T-Bone steak]
/ Whoa. Is that a meteor? http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=252 |
| Getcha Popcorn Ready! | Dude, my TV has been acting weird lately. Is it okay if I come over to your place to watch the game tonight?
/ Later
/ [the television set transforms into a giant laser wielding cyborg]
/ Once...just once, I'd like to sit down to watch a football game and NOT have the TV Set transforms into a giant laser... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=255 |
| Bull | It's during moments like this where all I can think is:
/ [guy riding a bull]
/ Damn it feels good to be a gangster. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=269 |
| Your Face | Moments before Zuckerberg's girlfriend left him.
/ [facebook founder bought his girlfriend a tag box from ACME custom picture frames and tagged her as Christina Smith] http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=275 |
| New Invention | Dude! We're gonna be rich!
/ How do you figure?
/ Okay so you know that feeling you get when you're eating a donut?
/ Immeasurable joy and happiness?
/ Yes. And you know that feeling you get when you're not eating a donut?
/ Extreme misery with occasional outbursts of rage?
/ Yes, and my new invention promises... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=278 |
| Strategy | Twenty bucks says I can make a submission that will get more comments than you can.
/ Sure.
/ Haha! 93 comments! What'd I tell ya?
/ Mine has 834.
/ What?! That's impossible!
/ My submission included cute animals, Chuck Norris, open source software, bacon, Ron Paul, the recession, epic failures, cynicism,... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=302 |
| Doghouse Times issue 1 | Streaker Harasses Nudist Colony
/ Giant Donut Death Toll Nears 300
/ Study Finds Presence of Bears Cures Cancer; Low Survival Rate http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=307 |
| Throwback | [XKCD vs Cyanide and Happiness]
/ You!
/ You!
/ Nerd!
/ Fatty!
/ What?!
/ AH!
/ Wait...but you...
/ That's right. No eyes. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=312 |
| Pitter | Pitter
/ Pictures in 140 pixels or less
/ Sally144: I look so skinny in this picture! Love it! -MarthaDub
/ photographerjim: So good. Looks almost like 160 px. -ddog
/ ddog: Gee thanks. Show my zit to the whole world. -JennLL http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=327 |
| The Photoshop Argument | [guy sitting behind his computer and girls coming up behind him]
/ Psh. Totally photoshopped.
/ What? It's Photoshopped. Look at her.
/ Really?
/ Ohh, definitely Photoshopped.
/ Come on. Perfect skin, sparkley white teeth, impossible Goddess-like figure.
/ What about this one?
/ Photoshopped for sure.
/ And... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=334 |
| Scammers | Who you talkin to?
/ One of those guys who say they're going to send you 25 million dollars so that it doesn't get taken by his government.
/ Haha lemme guess, all he needs is your bank account info right?
/ Nope.
/ But then how does he scam you?
/ I haven't figured out how this guys scam works yet.
/ But... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=341 |
| Buyer's Remorse | Hey, have you seen my shoe?
/ Is that it over there?
/ [shoe shredder 3000]
/ Ah!
/ My shoe!
/ Why do we even have one of these things?! http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=355 |
| Death Toll | Yea, I only read headlines. Much faster. Same effect. Dude, did you know various death tolls have been increasing?! Geez, you can't even die anymore without paying up.
/ Uh year, I'm pretty sure that's not correct. The word toll has different meanings.
/ What?
/ Oh man, I thought you'd know something... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=368 |
| World's Scariest Computer Virus | Guy 1: Dude. I just wrote the most amazing virus.
/ Guy with lightning bolt on his shirt: What does it do?
/ Gonna make people cry is what it's gonna do.
/ First it starts with this email I send.
/ Once they open the file, the virus instantly piggybacks itself on productivity tools while simultaneously... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=376 |
| SpeedomEATer | Dude, this is crazy.
/ Seriously man, you need to slow down!
/ Dude! You're gonna kill us!
/ [guy eating hot dogs standing on a scale]
/ Well, not so much "us" as just "you." http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=396 |
| Lifeguard | Help!
/ Not on MY watch.
/ [lifeguard runs away from his post and puts up a sign that says Lifeguard Off Duty] http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=407 |
| Sound Dating Advice | Dear Doghouse Guys,
/ I'm having a bit of trouble with my friend Ashley. Actually, not trouble with her per se. She's amazing. It's just that I really like her, and want to take her to the movie, but I'm not sure if she's into me. What should I do?
/ Dale,
/ Madison, Wisconsin / Dear Dale,
/ Do what... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=424 |
| Fight? | Hey guys,
/ Have the three of you ever gotten into a fight?
/ Jen <3
/ Dear Jen,
/ Not really, no. Though, there was this one time:
/ [knife talking to spork]
/ No no, it's cool guys. I see how it is. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=443 |
| That's Deep | [guy and girl look off into the sunset over the mountains]
/ You know, it's times like these that make you realize how small and insignificant we all are.
/ [pans out to a dinosaur/giant lizard crushing the city]
/ Yeah.
/ [zooms out further to show an alien UFO hovering above their heads]
/ Definitely. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=448 |
| Well Executed Pickup Lines | [guy looking at the tag on a girl's shirt]
/ Yup.
/ Just what I thought...
/ Made. In. Heaven.
/ [zooms out to show a girl wearing black boots, skull and cross bones shirt, and spiked collar and bracelets] http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=457 |
| Doghouse Times issue 2 | Space shuttle 'Boredom' set to return after only one hour in space.
/ CEO of GiantCorp found and rescued in remote part of personal mansion.
/ "Well I fought in Nam!" trump-card set to expire this December. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=461 |
| Profound | [homeless guy on the side of the street]
/ [blonde girl walks up with a poodle]
/ omg, that's so deep.
/ [homeless guy's sign says "I have no home"] http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=468 |
| WolframAlpha | Dude! Get down here!
/ What's going on?
/ Wolfram Alpha.
/ This new computational knowledge engine.
/ What about it?
/ Is it as good as it's cracked up to be?
/ We're about to find out.
/ What do you mean?
/ Well the thing is, if you ask it about the population of New York, not only does it tell you the number,... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=475 |
| Horror Movies | Haha! Yes! "Blades of Blood and Death Part 14."
/ What's that?
/ What's this?! It's only the best horror movie series of all time! See, the bad guy kill people with an axe he makes dull on purpose. And he's pretty much unstoppable which is good because they can keep making movies about him. He loves... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=482 |
| Two Truths and a Lie | I'm not gonna lie, the cookies you made are delicious.
/ I'm not gonna punch you in the face, I'm glad you like them.
/ Wait...what?
/ That doesn't make any sense.
/ [guy punches his friend in the face]
/ Ouch...I thought you said-
/ I lied. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=485 |
| Negativity Sheep | That painting's a piece of crap. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=497 |
| Darth Dad-er | Hey Luke, so uh, what's, what's goin' on? With you?...stupid...that sounds so stupid...
/ Hi Luke, I uh, got you a light saber. Maybe we could go to the dark side sometime? I'll show you around. Ugh...come on Darth...you're the Vader!
/ Screw it. I'm just gonna cut his hand off. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=499 |
| Girls at a Pool | Hey, so yea, a bunch of the girls from Dobie dorm are going to the pool in an hour, you should come down.
/ Did you hear that?!
/ Yup.
/ Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
/ Oh yeah!
/ OK, meet back here in 20.
/ OK.
/ 20 minutes later...
/ [guy 1 shows up wearing plastic floaties and a rubber ducky tube around... http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=506 |
| Girlology: Lesson1 | How to get the girl (based on successful attempts):
/ Be yourself.
/ Make her laugh.
/ Impress her parents.
/ Respect her.
/ Be spontaneous.
/ Borrow your friend's puppy.
/ Ignore her. http://thedoghousediaries.com/?p=507 |