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Anomaly - Jebus Chris Dad! There's someone named Jebus Chris who's been stealing my act! / Everyone's been running around with t-shirts that say, "Jebus Chris almost saved my soul." / Hahaha, oh man. Have you seen the one that says, "Jebus Chris was mildly wounded for your sins"? Classic!
Anomaly - Passing Gas Gentlemen don't say... / He who smelt it dealt it. / Gentlemen say... / I didn't fucking fart.
Anomaly - Influenza Great god, it actually worked! / Not only did I get these Influenza cells to stop reproducing, but I also enlarged all of their penises! / [[SCIENCE, MOTHER FUCKERS!]]
Anomaly - Magic So what am I supposed to do about it? All these other prophets are making my job difficult. / I don't know. Try some magic tricks or something. Turn water into wine. / How the heck am I supposed to pull that off?! / I don't know. I guess the trick is to get them so drunk they can't even tell the difference between the two in the first place. / But that's just silly. No one will ever believe that I'm actually magical! / Oh, I wouldn't be too sure.
Anomaly - The Ancient Chinese Secret to Cutting Hair I've got good news and bad news. / The bad news is that I couldn't stop cutting and I think I went into some brain tissue. / Okay... now how the HELL can you possibly have good news after that?! / Well there isn't any good news. But you won't know that after you've gone retarded.
 
Anomaly - Sleight of Jesus And now for my next trick, I shall turn water into wine and give you the bread of life! / Boooo! / Um... I'll turn water into Jack Daniels and give you some Megadeth CD's? / Fuck yeah!
Anomaly - Michael Jackson What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a boy scout leader? / Michael Jackson likes to fuck kids. / I think I told that wrong.
Anomaly - Buppo, The Prequel Do you know any clean jokes for the kids, Buppo? / Well, I think I heard a few back in 'nam. / You weren't in the Vietnam War, Buppo! / Was so! I even killed a Charlie myself! / [[1961, Vietnam]] / {{tree}} / <> / <> / {{tree falls on soldiers}}
Anomaly - Star Trek I heard there's some kind of connection between liking Star Trek and pedophelia. / I know for a fact that isn't true! / So you like Star Trek? / No, I hate it. But I really like touching children.
Anomaly - Ancient Barber Shop Secret Okay, can you tilt your head up for me, please? / Um... no, my neck seems kind of stiff. / Good, then my Tianjin Death Pinch worked perfectly! / Now, can you feel your nuts slowly moving up inside your stomach?
 
Anomaly - Amazing Abilities Jenkins! We're out of mashed potatoes! / I want you to chew up some regular potatoes and feed them to me like I'm a baby bird! / Quite frankly sir, that's disgusting. / No, Jenkins. THIS is disgusting... / Most impressive, sir. I didn't even know you could split that part into two like that.
Anomaly - PCP Buppo! You look terrible, what happened? / Well, Kip, I quit drugs and now I'm high on life. / Wow. I never knew life was so dangerous! / It is, Kip. Scientists say that with life, there is a 100% chance of death. / PCP / Less fatal than life.
Anomaly - Audit I'm sorry about the audit, but its necessary we ask you these questions. / I understand. sir. / Okay, let's begin... / If you had two butt holes, what would you do with them? / What kind of question is that? / On a scale of 1 to 10, how funny was the holocaust? / Umm... 1? / So just a little funny then? / No, I- / True or false: I do not not have a not gigantic penis.
Anomaly - Lights Out Jenkins! Did you forget to pay the electric bill again? / You've gone bankrupt, Master William. I couldn't pay it. / I see... Is that your hand caressing my lucious thighs, Jenkins? / No, sir, it isn't. And those aren't your thighs either, they're mine.
Anomaly - Overhaul Bloodfist the Kindly Captain / Captain, I thought you said you made Black Spit Barry walk the plank yesterday. / He's still alive and well. Sleeping in his cabin. / Hmm, that's interesting. Death must have been very exhausting on him. / But he should be dead! Captain, I don't think you have what it takes to lead this crew. / Johns! Them's mutiny words! Walk the plank ye shall! / But first would you like these cute little duck shaped floaties?
 
Anomaly - Santa Also Says... ALWAYS wear two pairs of mittens before you go out in the snow. Clubbing seals can be sticky work! / NEVER forget the true meaning of Christmas: Buying stuff for people you'd rather stab. / Listen to your mother. She squeezed you out of her vagina, she can squeeze you back in. / Ninjas don't celebrate Christmas. So don't give them boxes of gifts, give them boxes of death. / Remember to cut the holes in the box BEFORE you put the puppy in. / Watch out for the clap. That's not just Christmas advice either. Ol' Santa could've used that tip last week.
Anomaly - 911 911 emergency. How can I help you? / Is your refridgerator running? / Yes? / Then you'd better go catch it! / HAHAHAHA! / *click* / Did you tell him about my eyeball getting gouged out? / Oh, shit, homey. I totally forgot.
Anomaly - Glue Hank, did you get that memo that the budgeting deptartment sent us? / Yeah. The one about using up all the glue? / Yes, do you think I can have your copy? / I seem to... have a problem with mine. / You glued your hand to the memo, didn't you? / Maybe.
Anomaly - Superglue Day Jenkins! Its superglue day at the mansion! / Hurry quick with some brandy, my boy! / Don't you have enough brandy, sir? / No, it keeps falling out! Pour me another glass! / I can't, sir. It would defy gravity. / THEN POUR IT HARDER!
Anomaly - The Plot Yes, this plot is so nefariously genius, it can't fail! / We'll be able to rob the whole city blind! / All we have to do is have the henchmen replace all the wheels on the cop cars in the city with kittens! / Er... sir, I don't understand why we're replacing wheels with kittens. / Because, you fool... / KITTENS CAN'T ROLL!
 
Anomaly - Swastika Did you know you have a swastika tattooed on the back of your scalp? / No, I don't. / And how can you see my scalp? I just wanted a trim. / Well how do you expect to see the swastika I tattooed on last month if I don't shave your head?
Anomaly - Hicups Hic! / I hate to bother you, doc, but my wife made me come. / I have the hicups. I bet if you just scared me, they'd go away. I hear that usually works. / Well bad news, Dave... You have tuberculosis. / It's gone untreated for too long and you will probably die a slow painful death locked up away from your family. / NOOOOOOOO! / Actually, you're fine. Did that scare the hickups out of you though?
Anomaly - The Nature of Evil Father, what is the purpose of evil? / Evil is all subjective, my son. / For example, you think evil is the Devil's influence. / However, I think evil is bad buddy cop movies. / I mean, seriously. Rush Hour 5? / I actually scripted that one.
Anomaly - The Sphinx Before you pass, you must first answer the Sphinx's question. Get it right, and you may freely come and go. / Get it wrong, and I shall DEVOUR YOU WHOLE! / Ask anything you wish, o' great Sphinx! / Where the heck is the clitoris? / Not that I don't know, or anything!
Anomaly - Bloody Cove Arr! Finally, we land at Bloody Cove! / Why do they call it that, Captain? Is the land stained with the blood of so many pirates? / Arr! Close but not quite, Johns. / This is where the Red Cross is. We'll be donatin' blood for sick children.
 
Anomaly - Cutting Edge Will you be having your balls and anus waxed today, sir? / Uh, no... / Is that something people normally have done here? / Not really, no. / I think I wanna go home.
Anomaly - Genital Magnet [[1944. 16-year-old Jimmy Highler's basement...]] / As soon as I finish making this pussy magnet, I'll be rich! / RICH WITH PUSSY, THAT IS! / Now let's see... Was it the red wire or the blue wire? / Hey! / What's that strange pulling sensation in my pants? / [[And so the very first cock magnet was created.]]
Anomaly - A Day of Revelations Kip, I've been thinking about getting out of show business. / After all this work? / Why? / Well, its lots of things. The constant laughter, the lack of free time, and this whole hand-up-my-ass business. / Sorry, Buppo. You know I can't do anything about that. It kind of comes with the job. / You DO know that I'm not actually a dummy, right? I'm just a little person. / Oh my god... all these years...
Anomaly - Burglary 911 emergency. / Help, mother fucker! Help! / Sir, I'm gonna need you to calm down. What seems to be the problem? / Someone tried to break into my home and ran off. / Did you shoot at him? Why did he run? / I got so scared, I shit in HIS pants.
Anomaly - Not Home Oh, Heavenly Father, do you really answer all prayers? / Life can seem so lonely down here when it feels like no one is listening. / We're sorry. The number you have dialed is not available. Please hang up and try again. / What an ass-hat.
 

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