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|108 - 11/09/11 - A Good Year||[[Stan talking to Mo and Humphry.]]
/ Stan: Guys, it's November 11th. You know what that means: it's been one year.
/ Stan: You owe me 800 dollars.
/ Stan: Each.
|140 - 03/11/12 - A Tense Police Matter||[[Hand on gun.]] / Officer: Step out of the vehicle. / Narrator: Moments earlier. / [[Officer talking from outside car.]] / Officer: I'm going to have to ask you to step outside the vehicle. / Narrator: Earlier still. / [[Officer following in his cop car.]] / Officer: I'm going to have [[bold]]to have[[bold]] to ask him to step outside the vehicle.|
|106 - 11/02/11 - After Poon Delight||[[Couple having sex.]] / Woman: Don't stop! / Woman: Don't stop! / Man: Oh yeah / Man: Oh yeah / Man: I'm about to... / [[Both orgasming]] / Woman/Man: [[in unison]] Aaaaaaaaaahhhhh. / [[Lying in after orgasm silence.]] / Woman/Man: [[in unison]] Jinx.|
|125 - 01/11/12 - Air Apparent||[[Plane landing on runaway. Claps aplenty.]] / Humphry: [[coming from window]]What's with the clapping? / [[Humphry through outside window.]] / Humphry: Is it for the pilot? For not sucking at his job? / Humphry: Or are you just glad you made it out alive? / [[Goofy guy next to Humphry looking down at Humphry's hands.]] / [[Humphry looking down surprised and horrified.]] / Guy: I'm clapping cause you're clapping.|
|132 - 02/05/12 - American Footsieball||[[Sportscasters standing next to one another. ]] / Joe: If it's anything like we've come to expect, it's sure to be a close one tonight, Troy. / Troy: Uncomfortably close. / [[Even closer together. Joe looking at Troy.]] / Joe: The fans know that history's about to be written, and the tension in the air is palpable. / Joe: Can you feel it? / [[Joe and Troy looking at one another. Troy unhappy.]] / Troy: Yes, Joe. / Tory: I can feel it.|
|175 - 03/06/13 - Anti-Choice||Smug Politician: Sorry little lady, in this state, we value the sanctity of life. That fetus deserves all the protection and privileges of any red-blooded American. / Pregnant Woman: In that case... / [[In courtroom]] / [[Bailiff holding microphone to women's belly.]] / Judge: You have been charged with grand larceny, unlawful tresspass, and fifteen counts of assault. How does the defendant plead? / [[Lawyer talking to judge.]] / Lawyer: My client clearly lacks the necessary mental faculties. I motion to move him, at first available convenience, to Blue Acres Asylum for further evaluation. / [[Nurse bending over yelling at straightjacketed stomach in padded room.]] / Nurse: Take. The. Pills. / Nurse: Damnit! / Nurse: Doctor, the patient is unresponsive and refuses all medication. / Doctor: It appears we have no choice but to introduce a more aggressive treatment. / [[Male attendant in all white, applying shock therapy to the hump.]] / [[Two guys talking.]] / Guy 1: And that's we can't outlaw abortion.|
|70 - 06/29/11 - Art Imitates Life||[[Mo in mime, still with number on pretending to be in a box.]] / [[Mo in mime, different pose still pretending to be in a box.]] / [[Mo pushing the side of the box]] / [[Mo bowing, clapping noises from the sides.]] / [[Mo holding the bars of the jail cell with clapping still going from inmates to his sides.]]|
|72 - 07/06/11 - At Ford's Theatre||[[The Assination of President Lincoln with a moose in place of a Booth]] / Major Henry Rathbone: John Wilkes Moose! / Narrator: The Startling of President Lincoln|
|71 - 07/03/11 - Babloons||[[Skip from above]] / Skip: Hello and welcome to the only game show where contestants battle to balance the books. / [[Showing accountants/contestants at stands]] / Skip: All for a chance at the cash and prizes hidden in a cage of wild baboons. / [[closeup of Skip], giving a winning gleaming smile] / Skip: I'm your host, Skip Diddly, and this is... / [[Babloons]] / Skip: In the Red|
|157 - 06/20/12 - Back in Black||y-Axis: Percent / x-Axis: Choices / Male Lovers: 2% / Night's Watch: 5% / Toenails: 15% / Plague: 25% / Roulette: 50% / Female Lovers: 60% / Face: 80% / Licorice: 98% Upper area: People who've lost all perspective on what is good and what is bad. / Title: Likelihood of Going Back / Having Gone Black|
|92 - 09/14/11 - Bricked House||[[Mo, Stan sitting on couch staring forward. Two windows visible one broken. Mo staring at brick]] / Humphry: Who did this? / Humphry: Why are you guys just sitting there? / Humphry: This is NOT okay! / [[Brick crashes through other window.]] / Mo: We tried. / Stan: There's no stopping him. / [[Red panda upright, looking on with adorable eyes. Next to pile of bricks.]] / [[Red panda, upside down on back like a puppy that wants to play, looking still. / Humphry: I'm physically incapable of anger. / Panda: Suck it, Clown!|
|168 - 09/20/12 - Bring in the Noise, Bring in the Funk||[[ 'Bev "Steeltoe" Biffston' ]] / [[ 'James Brown's Foley' ]] / Bev: Bassists: the unsung heroes!? Bassists! Bassists are the backbone of a funk band, the star of the show. They're practically tanning in the limelight. / Bev: I'll tell you who's the unsung hero of funk. / [[Still interveiw.]] / Bev: Me. The foley. / Bev: All those grunts and shouts. The fancy oohs and ahhs. / Bev: A funk singer's too busy remembering his dance moves and looking good. / Bev: You need a dedicated player. With the rage of an ostrich, the swinging limbs of a gorilla, and the rage of another gorilla. / [[Zoomed in to the right of the singer on stage.]] / [[Bev kicking the shitkicker.]] / Bev: Get up! / Shitkicker: Ow! / Bev: Get on up! / Shitkicker: Yow! / Shitkicker: Hit me! / [[Back to the interview now you can see the shitkicker sitting next to him beat up. With a Zildjian tracksuit.]] / Bev: What? Him an unsung hero?! / Bev: The shitkicker. Ha! / Bev: He's just my instrument. / [[Zippy Conrad]] / [[Shitkicker]]|
|155 - 06/06/12 - Bristine Condition||[[Mohel with traditional scarf. Baby swaddled and held with back to panel.]] / Mohel: So as ordained by the Lord, our God, in this, the 8th day of James' life... / [[Baby on table, mohel cutting.]] / Mohel: ...we take up the holy izmel and smite the blasphemous skin of the fore. / Mohel: ...hmm... / Mohel: I said, smite the skin of the fore. / Mohel: Smite, God damn it. / [[Focus on wolverine baby.]] / Mohel: Mr Howlett, I'm afraid this child cannot be circumcised.|
|154 - 05/30/12 - Bro Tolerance||[[Guy pointing at himself doing the "This guy" pose.]] / Narrator: When it comes to my bro tolerance, this guy's the limit.|
|134 - 02/12/12 - Built Dodge City Tough||[[Silhouette with back light. Wyatt walking through saloon doors.]] / Offpanel: Wyatt! I have a mind to run you through the mill, showing your face back here. / [[Saloon tables, and bar. Cowboy back to panel.]] / Wyatt: Now don't rile your dander. I ain't here to argufy. / Wyatt: I know I gave you the mitten. But it's been all beer and skittles without ya. I'm hanging up my fiddle. / [[Cowboys face to face look angry. Pointing bent arm in Wyatt's face.]] / Cowboy 2: Them's kissing words. / [[Kissing passionately]] / Happy Valentine's Day from Up to my Nipples!|
|144 - 04/01/12 - Call Me Maybe||uld you not call back? / Girl: After the night we had!? / [[Hand print on face.]] / Guy: I'm so sorry. It's just I had a terrible accident. I'm sure I could never forget you, but at first I couldn't even remember my own name. / [[Woman hugging man.]] / [[The other guy holding in his smile.]] / Girl: Oh you poor thing. Here's my number again. Call me. / [[Other guy celebrating. Palms to temples, elbows out, huge smile.]] / Scruff: Oh my god! I [[bold]] cannot [[bold]] believe that just worked. You're a genius. / [[Blank stare.]] / Guy: Who are you?|
|95 - 09/25/11 - Car(ried) Away||[[Three mini grain silos take up background. Left and right POPPY and SESAME. Middle CARAWAY exploding. Alarm going off]] / [[Conveyer belt of breads moving across screen closer to the bottom. / [[Man running across screen panicking hands in the air]] / Man: Everything's awry! / Narrator : Despite countless injuries, a ten-day cleanup, and his inevitable dismissal, there was no doubt in Franklin's mind that the pun was "totally worth it."|
|82 - 08/10/11 - Catcophonous||[[Heads of two beds separated by a wall. Stan on left. Humphry on right wearing a blue night cap with a circle of stars (may not be that visible). Both awake, but still lying. Windows on far walls.]] / [[Meow! Hiss! MEOW!]] / [[MEEEOW!]] / Stan: Are you hearing this? / Humphry: I really hate cats. / Humphry: And I just want to kill all of them, but I can't cause that's crazy. I can't kill EVERY cat. / / [[Lying in silence.]] / [[RRRRRRRRRRRR]] / [[MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!]] / Stan: Humphry? / Humphry: Yeah? / Stan: Is it ceiling wax or sealing wax? Or are they both things? / [[Stan turned toward wall]] / Stan: ...Humphry? / [[Stan banging the wall again.]] / [[Humphry grimacing and making a threatening fist.] / Stan: Humphry? / Stan: HUMPHRY!? / Humprhy: I'm sorry. I'm thinking about cats again.|
|69 - 06/26/11 - Chain Reaction||[[Walking down Roadrunner Looney Tunes desert. Silhouettes of characters]] / Humphry: Well, that was a bust. / Mo: Nah, it was fun. That last girl is totally- / Mo: -whoah check it out. / [[Mo glorious pose with giant pick-axe]] / Mo: Who leaves one of these lying round. / Spike Bubble: 215! [[bigger writing]] / [[More chain gang workers behind. Officer pointing.]] / Officer: Quit dawdlin' and heave ho. / Mo: But- / Officer: Did I grant you license to speak!? / Officer: Back in line! / [[Mo hand to bus rear, "Penitentiary", looking sad.]] / [[Back of Humphry and Stan, Humphry waving]]|
|151 - 05/09/12 - Changeling Fence||[[Mom touching chin of son.]] / Mom: I know this is hard for you to understand, Jeremy, but you were switched at birth. / Mom: You need to go and live with your real parents now. / [[Held by warden.]] / Kid: ...mom... / [[Dad with bear cub on shoulders.]] / Mom: If we stay any longer, I"m going to cry. / [[Warden lowering child into zoo's bear exhibit.]]|
|137 - 02/22/12 - Chocolate Lab||[[Woman feeding big dog chocolate.]] / Woman: Who wants a treat? You do. Yes, you do. / Man: (off panel) What are you doing?! / [[Beer bellied man in stained wife beater, one hand below panel]] / Man: Don't give him chocolate. / Man: It'll kill him. / [[Happy dog, near bottom of woman's legs.]] / Woman: Hardly. It may take a while to process, but a little chocolate won't hurt him. / Woman: Besides, look how much he likes it. / [[Man taking sip from his beer.]] / Man: Who cares if he likes it? / Man: You don't eat poison for fun.|
|107 - 11/06/11 - Chops, Whee!||[[Two guys, both with facial hair. One with no side-burns]] / Guy: I'm sorry, Jeb. But you just don't have the chops. / Narrator: Unfortunately, it was true: Jebediah didn't stand a chance at this year's Beard and Moustache Championship.|
|162 - 07/25/12 - Cornivore||[[Soup spoon in Vegan mouth.]] / Narrator: The bad way to defeat a vegan. / Carnivore: ha HA! There's beef in that bullion. / Herbivore: You bastard! / [[Soy milk container on table.]] / Narrator: The better way. / Carnivore: ha HA! That's cow's milk your drinking. / Herbivore: It burns! / [[Eating a corn off cob.]] / Narrator: The best way. / Carnivore: ha HA! That's monkey corn. / Herbivore: What? / Carnivore: The blood, sweat, and tears of exploited monkey farmers went into that ear of Jubilee Supersweet. / Herbivore: What? / Carnivore: That's right. I trained monkeys to grow corn. / Herbivore: I suppose I'm offended.|
|186 - 06/12/13 - Cream of Clairvoyance||[[Man subtly happy sitting at table eating porridge]] / [[Man dreaming of seeing a seer.] / [[Seer with porridge bubble.]] / [[Just top of heads. Man upset.]] / [[Dreams in pastel/hand drawn.]] / [[Playing soccer.]] / [[Marriage proposal.]] / [[Car crash.]] / [[Seer responds with just porridge.]] / [[Man subtly unhappy sitting at table eating porridge.]]|
|158 - 06/27/12 - Crowd-Make-Funding||[[Fat black kid in a ridiculous muumuu.]] / [[Crowd of other kids watching.]] / Rufus: Stop it! / Rufus: Stop picking on me! / Rufus: It's not my fault my family can't afford new clothes. / [[Circle of kids EXACTLY the same.]] / [[Fat kid in hand over head arm outstretched melodrama pose.]] / Rufus: NO! / Rufus: Don't push me! / Rufus: I'm just trying to be a good person. What do you want from me!? / [[Girl from crowd with hand on fat kid's chest.]] / Other kid: Leave us alone, weirdo. / [[Fat kid holding camera.]] / Rufus: Perfect. / [[Indiegogo Page]] / [[Video with play thing in the middle stopped exactly where the other kid is pushing him.]] / [[$0 raised of $100,000 Goal] / Let's Give Rufus - The Fat Kid - An Island Without Bullies!|
|159 - 07/04/12 - Damnbition||[[Talking to little boy]] / Mother: If you set your mind to it, you can be anything you want. / [[Fighter Pilot]] / Pilot: Except a fighter pilot, you're color blind. / [[Skinny african runner]] / Runner: Except a distance runner, you're flat-footed. / [[Nerd]] / Nerd: Except a mathematician, your IQ is... limited. / [[Gas station attendant]] / Attendant: Except a gas station attendant, you're allergic to petroleum. / [[Grown up version of the boy pumping gas, red eyes and running nose]] / Boy: I showed them.|
|135 - 02/15/12 - Dependency||"The first step in overcoming any dependency is admitting a problem exists." / [[Mo sitting at computer. Google search bar.]] / [[Google searched in google.]] / [[Back to Mo.]] / Mo: Fuck.|
|76 - 07/20/11 - Desperate Measures||[[Mo in the doctors office like room. Sitting looking at magazine. Magazine not yet really visible. Poster in the back visible but small. Poster says "Give the gift of family." "Sperm Bank of America". In the middle is an attractive woman and her husband holding the two hand of the child inbetween.]] / [[Zooms in on the magazine "Detroit's Dirties Crack Whores."]] / [[TEETH: Who needs 'em]] / [[Homeless Hotties]] / [[Back Alley Babe: Pockmark Paula]] / Mo: Ugh. / [[Mo looking up]] / [[Refocus on the poster from Mo's perspective.]] / [[Back to Mo, looking intrigued]] / [[Focus on poster woman]] / [[Zoom to the woman's breasts.]] / Zip noise / [[Zoom in more and move down.]] / Mo: Mmmhhhh... / [[Mo pleased]] / [[Boys face.]] / Mo: NOOOOooooo!|
|174 - 02/27/13 - Double Venti||[[Three business executives in suits, standing in a semicircle holding coffee.]] / Guy 1: You hear the bad news? / Guy 1: JP Morgan Stanley's folding. / [[Pouring out their coffees.]] / [[One guy pouring two coffees.]] / Guy 2: Pour one for my homeowners.|
|119 - 12/18/11 - Emotional Luggage||[[At airline check-in counter]] / Woman: Just this? You're checking [[bold]]just[[/bold]] this shampoo? / Mo: Because you won't let me bring it on the plane. / Woman: I'm sorry, Sir. It doesn't meet our checked luggage requirements. / [[Bottle on scale.]] / Mo: Well I've read your requirements, and they say nothing about undersized baggage. / Woman: It's not in a bag. It's not baggage. / [[Mo holding plastic bag with shampoo.]] / Mo: There. / Mo: I've bagged it. / Mo: It's now baggage. / Woman: Yeah, that's not gonna fly.|
|111 - 11/20/11 - Empire State of Mind||[[back of Humphry, Stan, Mo's and another guy's heads in the movie theater.]] / Stan: This is the last time you choose the movie. / Stan: If this even is a movie. / Mo: I think it's a photograph. / Stan: You promised extraordinary! / Humphry: No no. I said [[bold]]extra ordinary[[bold]] as in [[bold]]very[[bold]] ordinary. / Humphry: More ordinary than an imagination could conceive. / Stan: Literally nothing has happened the past half hour. / Humphry: Nor will it the next seven. / Humphry: Pretension requires sacrifice. / [[Guy standing up]] / Humphry: Those elite few who- / Guy: Hey! Keep it down. / Guy: I'm trying to focus here.|
|169 - 01/23/13 - Epicuriosity Killed the Cat||[[Two patrons being waited on at a restaurant by asian waiter.]] / Patron 2: We've been here a whole week and still haven't had the local food. / Patron 1: Okay, let's be adventerous. / Patron 1: Waiter, give us the most acquired taste on the menu. / Patron 2: We can say we tried it! / [[Bigger plate of it in the middle. Little individual plates with food on it. Patron 1 looking at fork close to face. Patron 2 poking at the food.]] / Patron 1: What are these? / Patron 2: Eyeballs? / Patron 1: And...an ear? This can't be right. / Patron 1: Waiter! / [[Waiter back.]] / Patron 1: Are these supposed to be here? / Waiter: Eat face of animal, get great animal beauty. / Patron 1: Oh. / Patron 1: Is the hair supposed to be here? / Waiter: No. / Patron 1: In that case, this is disgusting.|
|127 - 01/18/12 - Force of William Shatner||[[Shatner talking to criminal. Criminal (though probably not clear it's a criminal) talking on light blue phone, maybe covering receiver.]] / Shatner: Naming your own price, eh? / Criminal: I'm asking seven-five. / Shatner: You wuss. / Criminal: What? / Shatner: Go higher. / Criminal: Ten? / Shatner: Coward. / Criminal: With a helicopter? / Shatner: Namby pamby / Criminal: And immunity? / Shatner: Now you're negotiating. / [[Cop on phone]] / Cop: What the hell's Bill doing in there?! / [["Hostage Negotiator" logo. Shatner posing appropriately.]]|
|161 - 07/18/12 - Foxhole||[[Military topographic map, gloved finger pointing.]] / General: Major Bottles, send a scouting party to the ridge overlooking the gully. I fear the enemy approaches. / Major: Yes, sir, General. / [[Very blurry binocular view.]] / [[Mole in uniform looking through binoculars. Fox, frozen, wide-eyed, very close. Other scout moles near.]] / Scout: All clear! / [[More realistic view.]] / [[Fox trotting with mole in mouth.]]|
|143 - 03/28/12 - From the Dutch for Pirate||[[Pirate telling a sea tale with a beer in hand.]] / Pirate: ...so that I was, astride me battered planks. The mizzen-mast split asunder, piercin' the deck with a mighty din. We began takin' water faster n' Speedy Pete and the drink rose up to swallow us all... / Pirate: ...and in that moment, I called to me men: "Men, though the inky black be swellin' beyond hope, do not despair, for I am with ye, as ye are with me. And, if we together aren't the best group a pirates ta' manage a sinkin' vessel since the Queen Anne's Revenge..." / [[In the US Senate]] / Senator: Senator Redbeard, could you at least try to stay on topic. / Redbeard: If I be filibusterin', I may as might be entertainin'.|
|83 - 08/14/11 - Give ?Em the Boot||[[Humphry leaning out window hat VERY visible, throwing a boot. Two cats on the ground fighting. One with arched back and raised hair. The other teeth bared and swatting.]] / Humphry: For the love of god! / Cat 1: [[Hebrew hissing]] / Cat 2: [[Arabic hissing]]|
|91 - 09/11/11 - Glory Glory Hallelujah||[[Young boy drilling a hole into a wall in what could be a stall]] / [[Window of confessional booth opens up]] / Priest: My child. Stop that at once. What spirit has overcome you? / Boy: Sorry, Father. I'm just making a Hallelujah hole. / Priest: It's called a glory hole, and I don't think you understand how it works.|
|114 - 11/30/11 - Gouda Gouda Gouda Gouda Rockin? Everywhere||[[Two guys talking. Back three-quarters view of one interlocutor]] / Man 1: Cheese shop called. The Gouda's in. / Man 1: You know the fastest way there? / Man 2: I know it like the back of my hand. / [[Other directional view]] / [[Man 2 has stubs for arms.]] / Man 1: Ummm. / [[Man 2 motioning over with his head and eyes to a jar with a hand in it.]] / [[Close-up of the back of the hand in the jar.]] / [[Drawn out map with one end marked "Home." The other end "Cheese"]]|
|84 - 08/17/11 - Growing Up NAMBLA||NAMBLA Chart with silhouttes Age vs. Desirability / [[Man-Baby love-zone]] / [[Puberty (fresh meat)]] / [[No-man's land]] / [[Reacceptance (the second wind)]] / [[Bear country]]|
|150 - 05/02/12 - Hats Off||[[Two guys standing next to each other in stadium seating.]] / [[Hands over hearts. Man 1 with hat over heart.]] / Music: ...what so proudly we hailed... / Man 1: Sir, have some respect and take off your hat. / Man 2: I'm not wearing a hat. / [[Man 1 accusatory.]] / Man 1: Sir? / Music: ...through the perilous fight... / [[Man 2 ashamed.]] / Music: ..were so gallantly streaming... / [[Man 2 now bald, with toupee to heart.]]|
|77 - 07/24/11 - Hay Fever||[[The backs of two farmers. One in overalls without a shirt. One with not shirt at all and a straw hat. Looking at a barn with the tail end of a cow out the roof.]] / Farmer Rosenblum: Jeb, that's the last straw. / Jeb: I ain't done you wrong before! / Narrator "It's also the first straw. I've got a low tolerance for straw."|
|177 - 03/20/13 - Home Improvement||[[Blue Print of tree house. Floor 3 of 3. Green house. Sauna. Elevator. Trash shoot. Board room with snack table. Lots of amenities.]] / [[THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!]] / [[Dad hammering on the roof. THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!]] / [[ Kid yelling out window up at Dad.]] / Kid: Daaaaaaddd! / Kid: We're trying to have a meeting here! / Dad: Sorry, kiddo. / [[Dad walking back into his dilapidated house.]] / Angry wife: I've been telling you for weeks. You need to fix the hot water heater. / Angry wife: Now. / [[Dad looking out onto yard with treehouse, garbage coming out the shoot.]] / Dad: You know I don't have the time or energy for that.|
|126 - 01/15/12 - Hoof and Mouth||[[Man pulling apart the lips of a horse.]] / ...then you people should stop getting me horses.|
|98 - 10/05/11 - Hulkamania||[[Hulk Hogan looking down at two jars, one Jumbo Olives the other Colossal Olives]] / Off panel: Ohh Yeahh! / [[Macho Man Randy Savage with Slim Jims in front of shelves]] / Macho Man: You step into Macho Maaan's Bodega, and you get the Macho Maaaan's ellllbow! / Macho Man: Ohh yeeeeah! / [[Hulk ripping off shirt gloriously]] / HULKAMANIA! / [[Supermarket manager pointing at sign staring "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service]] / [[Angled shot of shirtless Hulk sulking out of supermarket automatic doors]] / Macho Man: Ooooooohhhh Yeahh!|
|99 - 10/09/11 - Internalized||[[Leisure suit suave narrator hovering behind disheveled sleep deprived man]] / Narrator: "I've gotta stop paying attention to this personal narrator," Heyward thought|
|116 - 12/07/11 - Logo-brious||[[Super villain walking out of Sherwin-Williams lugging buckets of paint matching his costume.]] / [[Focuses on the "Cover the world" logo on sign. Evil hand gesture.]] / [[Disaster scene of paint flooding the street. Person running towards viewer screaming.]]|
|118 - 12/14/11 - Make Me a Sammy||Mo: Have you seen my Christmas Pants? / Smoodge: I threw them out -- we're done with Christmas. / Smoodge; As my sole acknowledgement of the holiday, I've booked us all tickets to Israel. / Smoodge: I'll take it as a personal insult if you don't come. / Offpanel: Guys? / Humphry: Guys!? Where's Sammy: The Christmas Goose? / Mo: We have a goose?! / Smoodge: Not anymore. / Smoodge: He's dead--I ate him. / [[Mo and Humphry reaching for the sky in dismay. Mo crying.]] / Humphry: Oh Sammy! You were gone before anyone even knew you.|
|113 - 11/27/11 - Manacea||[[Roll of duct tape next to taped lava lamp]] / Duct Tape: temporarily fixes physical problems. / [[Drunk guy at bar, head down holding beer.]] / Beer: temporarily fixes emotional problems. / [[Pabst in the Duct-Kooze]] / The Duct-Kooze: temporarily fixes ALL problems.|
|147 - 04/18/12 - Manicotti||[[ Two mafia guys speaking with their hands.]] / [[ Fingers together.]] / Leo: Tony, ya gotta try my old lady's manicotti. / Leo: It's the best in town. / Leo: The best. / Tony: If I find out ya lyin, ya dead to me. [[Maybe sideways double chop hand motion. Smiling.]] / [[Back of Leo's head. Tony with fork to mouth, staring angrily.]] / Narrator: Only dead things are dead to Big Tony.|
|112 - 11/23/11 - Memories||[[Really old man sitting in a chair. Little girl on his lap. Another man to the left.]] / [[Everyone sitting at a table.]] / Grandfather: Mmmmmm. / Grandfather: I remember it like it was yesterday. / "Yesterday!? Poppop, lunch was ten minutes ago."|
|139 - 03/07/12 - Mind Your Queues and Pee||[[Woman peeing on the side of the road next to her car.]] / [[Close up of positive pregnancy test, "Preggers?"]] / [[Showing off and waving pregnancy test. Excited.]] / Woman: Yes! / [[Cop next to woman. Police motorcycle in view. Woman pointing at cop.]] / Woman: And you said I didn't belong in the carpool lane.|
|89 - 09/04/11 - Minutes||[[Mo sitting at booth at table at chain restaurant on phone.]] / Mo: I've been waiting forever. You almost here? / Phone: On my way. / Mo: The waiter's looks pissed. / Phone: Just a little longer. / Mo: How much longer? / [[Mo looking distressed.]] / Humphry: I'll be there in minutes. / Mo: [[bold]]All of time[[bold]] can be measured in minutes. / Mo: You're not even coming are you? / [[Zoomed out few of Humphry talking on phone in bubble bath.]] / Humphry: Why would you say that? /|
|141 - 03/14/12 - Mock Show||[[Trashy talk show host, Kenny Randolf, talks to a guest.]] / Kenny: With all due respect, you're fat and stupid and due no respect.|
|73 - 07/10/11 - No Internet||[[Mo, lying down reading on the couch reading.]] / Mo: Internet's out. / Humphry: And? / Mo: I was about to, y'know. / Humphry: Say no more. / [[Reverse direction]] / Humphry: Well, do you even need - / Mo: My imagination can't cut it. / Humphry: Buy a magazine. / Mo: I'm not paying! / Mo: That's prostitution. / Humphry: Alright, then wait. / Mo: Never. / [[Walking to Sperm Bank of America sign.]]|
|85 - 08/21/11 - Noise-some||[[Double bed window view again. Lots of cat noises like last time. Humphry in bed. Stan looking out window.]] / From window: Meow! / From window: Myow! / From window: Meeow! / Humphry: It doesn't even sound like cats anymore. / Humphry: It sounds like someone [[italics]]pretending to be cats. / [[Stan at window. Fighting cats. On left hobo man with flaming barrel]] / Hobo: Meow! / Hobo: Meow! / Hobo: Meow! / Stan: Hobo Joe! / Stan: What are you doing here!? / Hobo: Reckon I'd see what all the fuss was about. / Hobo: And you know me, all that hootin' and hollerin' got me worked up. Had to join in. / [[Hobo pointing down at his bare foot. Wearing the boot from the cats on the other foot.]] / Hobo: Also, hoping I could get that silly clown to throw his other boot.|
|122 - 01/01/12 - Occupy Mile High||[[View from outside airplane bathroom. Stewardess knocking on door.]] / [[Knock Knock]] / Voice: Occupied. / Stewardess: Sir, you've been in there for over an hour. / Voice: You can't rush art. / [[Mo looking over seat.]] / Mo: Where's Smoodge? / Mo: I'm taking his seat. / Humphry: I don't know. / Humphry: Went to the bathroom mumbling something about leg room. / [[View from in the bathroom.]] / [[Cushioned seat. Legs up on toilet. Reading. Candelabra.]]|
|185 - 05/22/13 - Oh Henry||[[Cameras, microphone with grip. Gathered crowd.]] / [[John Henry looking knowingly.]] / Reporter: John Henry IV, how do you think you'll fare against the machine come Tuesday? / [[Machine and John Henry getting ready to start.]] / Guy with starting pistol: 3... / Guy with starting pistol:2... / Guy with starting pistol:1... / Guy with starting pistol: GO! / [[Henry's position unchanged, Machine laid track far into the distance.]] / Worker in machine: [[smaller bubble]] ...aaand... / Worker in machine: [[smaller bubble]] done!|
|179 - 04/03/13 - On the Fritz||[[Close up of cat stretching for mouse under a stove.]] / Pet Owner: Fritzy, I know you saw a mouse run under the stove, but waiting there's not gonna make him come out any faster. / [[Man split leg over the cat, frying.]] / Pet Owner: Fritz, you gotta move. / [[Man butt out legs far away. Both feet behind the cat.]] / Pet Owner: Fritz! / [[Lying across two stools set up behind Fritz.]] / Pet Owner: *grumble* / [[Man reaching under the stove himself. Whole arm under.]] / Pet Owner: ...almost gotcha... / [[Man starting under stove next to cat staring under stove.]]|
|81 - 08/07/11 - One Moose, Two Moose||[[Two moose]] / Moose 1: Mmm mmm. Check out the rack on him. / [[Redneck hunter with terrible mantits]]|
|149 - 04/29/12 - One Trek Mind||[[Man dressed up as female star trek character.]] / Actually, I hate Star Trek. But it has the only community that accepts me and my passion for alien princess cosplay.|
|170 - 01/30/13 - Origin Sin||[[Sun like the Japanese sun.]] / [[Workers picking applies in orchard with classic Japanese sun.]] / [[Older truck driving apples with wood paneling apple crates peeking out top.]] / [[Plane flying.]] / [[Unloading out from a semi truck.]] / [[Manager inspecting an apple.]] / [[Tossing apples into good and bad bins.]] / [[Stockboy throwing out the crate of apples into a dumpster.]] / [[Apple tree growing out the back.]]|
|115 - 12/04/11 - Overprotective||[[Man angry pointing at woman.]] / Man: [[bold]] No one [[bold]] hits my girl and gets away with it. / [[Man punching woman in belly.]] / Man: Take that. / Woman: Ooof! / Narrator: Moments prior... / [[Pregnant woman holding belly, grimacing. Boyfriend holding shoulder.]] / Woman: Owww! The baby just kicked.|
|152 - 05/16/12 - Parchment||[[Guy checking his pockets. Looking like he doesn't have anything.]] / Guy: Think I can get your number? / Girl: Sure, you got something to jot it down on. / Guy: I don't have anything. / [[Girl writing on his arm.]] / Girl: Here, give me your arm. / [[Ripping skin off.]] / Guy: AHHHH! / [[Handing the number. Guy smiling/wincing.]] / Girl: Call me.|
|181 - 04/17/13 - Pee, B, & Jellyfish||[[Woman in bathing suit hovering over a shirtless guy lying on his back on the sand next to the ocean. Big rebar through lower abdomen.]] / Woman: HELP! / Woman: HELP! / Woman: This man needs medical attention. / [[Real lifeguard pushing a beach doctor, M.D. out of the way..]] / Guy: Outta the way! / Guy: I got this. / [[Woman now standing watching.]] / [[Guy back to the panel peeing.]] / Doctor:[[off panel]] Stop that! / Doctor: What are you doing!? / [[Doctor joining in the peeing.]] / Doctor: Proper procedure would dictate we urinate directly on the wound.|
|183 - 05/01/13 - Personal Reflection||[[Man pointing at long oval-shaped mirror.]] / Man: Chin up. You can do this. / Man: You'll be great. / [[Fixing his tie.]] / Man: You're strong. Steady with a quiet confidence. / Man: You see the world as it is. / [[Two big movers carrying the mirror out.]] / Man: You go and knock 'em dead, Mirror.|
|68 - 06/22/11 - Picking Up||[[Stanislav sitting across from a woman. Woman giving puzzled look.]]
/ Stan: Which is inherently worse: fewer crackers or less cheese?
/ Woman: I don't like cheese.
|109 - 11/13/11 - Plum Out of Luck||[[Grocer with mop looking at shelver]] / Shelver: All of the plums, Sir... / Shelver: They're gone! / [[Shelver showing paper]] / Grocer: Was there a poem in their place? / Shelver: Is this a poem? / Shelver: It seems more like a note. / [[Grocer cursing the sky.]] / Grocer: Damn you, William Carlos Williams!|
|105 - 10/30/11 - Poke-hontas||[[John Smith to Pocahontas holding both hands]] / Pocahontas: You have to leave. If my tribe find you here, you'll be killed. / Mr Smith: Only our love can mend the wounds of our warring people. / Pocahontas: Oh John, hold me. / [[Big John Smith orating]] / Narrator: Yestermonth. / Mr. Smith: Just as our smallpox pollutes the air they breathe, so shall our scoundrel seed contaminate their noble gene pool. / Mr. Smith: Men, to destroy the Injun we must boink the Injun.|
|104 - 10/26/11 - Profiles in Profiling||[[Silhouettes of the back of our characters heads in movie theater]] / Mo: I can't believe they took my candy. / Stan: I think you were racially profiled. / [[Stan holding up one of his hands with 2-liter bottle still in silhouettes.]] / Mo: How do you know? / Stan: I was able to sneak in this Dr. Pepper / Stan: And an entire pepperoni pizza. / [[Stan holding pizza and bottle on lap.]] / Stan: And this La-Z-Boy recliner. / [[Profile view. Stan leaning back in recliner.]] / KKRRRRRR|
|146 - 04/11/12 - R & R & D||[[Guy dressed in suit back of the head. Conference table with two guys.]] / Man: What can I do for you? / Man: I bring a patented method of rigorous testing developed over years of field experience. / Man: Not only can I guarantee a better product, but my personal seal of approval carries weight in this industry. / [[Shaking hands across the table.]] / [[Back wall. Horsefeathers Mattress & Pillow ]] / CEO: You're hired. / Narrator: Years earlier. / [[Younger guy in bed. Angry woman at door.]] / Mother: Get out of bed. / Mother: No one's going to pay you to sleep your life away. / Kid: Poppycock.|
|182 - 04/24/13 - Safety Manual||Narrator: In the event of a sudden decrease in cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling compartment above you. / Narrator: Place the mask over your mouth and nose and tighten the elastic strap until the mask fits securely. / Narrator: If you're not a Jetventure Rewards[[trademark symbol]] member, and you wish to receive oxygen, swipe any major credit card through the reader.|
|100 - 10/12/11 - Schlongevity||[[In studio]] / Humphry: With an ambiguously risque name like "Up to my Nipples," we had prepared for misdirected search engine traffic. / Stan: We quickly learned, you just can't plan for the internet's insatiable hunger for midget porn. / Humphry: Instead of fighting it, for our celebratory 100th comic, we've decided to give the people what they want: / Stan: [[Stan with arm out to the side]]Say hello to my little friend... / [[Balloons, banner "Happy 100th"]] / [[Verne Troyer naked covered by fig leaf.]] / Stan: VERNE TROYER! / Verne: Now say hello to MY[[bold]] little friend...|
|75 - 07/17/11 - Selection||[[Receptionist sitting at the front desk of Sperm Bank of America.]] / [[Mo peeking head out doorway on the left, looking at the woman]] / Mo: Uh, excuse me. Your selection here seems limited. / Mo: You wouldn't happen to have any *um* hentai? / Woman: We wouldn't. / Mo: Bondage / Woman: Nope. / Mo: Furries. / Woman: Nope. / Mo: Japanese Tentacle Erotica / Woman: What? / Woman: No. / [[Mo half naked exasperated in waiting room.]] / Mo: What sort of half-cocked operation is this!?|
|172 - 02/12/13 - Self Service||[[Bruno Mars presenting.]] / Presenter: And the Grammy for Best Alternative Music Album goes to.... / Presenter: Some band affiliated with one of the three major labels indirectly in charge of deciding who wins these awards! / [[Nicki Minaj presenting.]] / Presenter: And the Grammy for Best Live Performance goes to... / Presenter: The surprise duet by bizarrely incongruent artists right after this commercial break! / [[Hugh Jackman holding up the Grammy in celebration.]] / Presenter: And the Grammy for Best Presentation of a Grammy at the Grammys goes to... / Presenter: ... / Presenter: ME! / Presenter: For this. / Presenter: Right now.|
|124 - 01/08/12 - Sense and Sense Abilities||[[Back of Humphry's seat in plane.]] / Humphry: [[thought]] I was expecting the worst, but this movie's not half-bad. / [[Thought bubbles.]] / Humphry: Wait. / Humphry: I'm on plane. Movies are always better on planes. / Humphry: I've been fooled before. / [[Thought bubbles.]] / [[Deep in thought. Eyes up.]] / Humphry: You know what? No. / Humphry: I need to trust myself here. / Humphry: I know a good movie when I see it. / Humphry: And [[bod]]this[[/bold]] is a good movie. / [[Clear shot of back of seat with live action Smurfs movie.]] / Humphry: Gargamel, you salty dog, you!|
|78 - 07/27/11 - Sex Ed||[[bold angled letters, zombie with thumbs up]] / Sex Ed in the Wake of the Zombie Apocalypse / [[Frank having sex with a zombie from behind]] / [[Uncle bursting in]] / Uncle: FRANK!. / Uncle: Have you lost your mind? / Uncle: You've [[bold]]got[[bold]] ta use protection. / [[Uncle knowingly hands shotgun]] / [[Still having sex with zombie, shotgun up to head. Other guys smiling satisfied.]] / Uncle: Didn't 'cha folks ever teach you 'bout the zombirds and the zombies?|
|96 - 09/28/11 - Snack Duty||[[Mo and Stan playing Don't Break the Ice]] / Stan: Humphry, could you make us some food? / Humphry (off panel from kitchen): Not a chance. / Stan: C'mon, you're already in the kitchen. / [[Humphry in apron delivering plates, one with three slices of bread, the other with two]] / [[Stan pulling up the top piece of bread and looking in.]] / Humphry: Bon appetit. / Stan: There's nothing in it. What is this? / [[Close up of bread sandwiches. One is three pieces of bread other two.]] / Humphry: A bread sandwich. / Stan: And that? / Humphry: Open face bread sandwich.|
|94 - 09/21/11 - Splitting Image||[[CEO at board meeting. Bar chart with profits for bed bath and beyond. Two bars for each very adjacent. Separation between the types. Using a long pointing stick at beyond.]] / CEO: As Q2 to Q3 profits clearly demonstrate, interest in all thing bed and bath is better than ever. / CEO: Beyond, however, is woefully underperforming. / [[CEO closer up grimmer face]] / CEO: To assure customers waste no time perusing items unsuitable for the bed or bathroom setting, and in a move even I don't understand, we're the splitting the company in two... / CEO: Gentleman, I present to you / [[Two stores. Giant bed bath and beyond on left. Shack like looking thing with Byondster.]]|
|79 - 07/31/11 - Sprout||[[Magician with beans doing his song and dance for boy who holds reins to cow.]] / [[Boy explaining to mother with speech bubble of previous scene. Mother disappointed.]] / [[Mother cooking beans dejected over pot. Boy tugging at shirt. Mother explaining empty cabinet.]] / [[Mother and son dead at table. Giant beanstalks growing out of their bellies. Bloody mess.]]|
|163 - 08/01/12 - Stilted Conversation||[[Girl and guy at bar.]] / [[Nicely dressed girl on stilts. Middle of legs at eye level of guy. / Girl: They accentuate my calves.|
|74 - 07/13/11 - Street Value||[[Receptionist flipping over page on clipboard. Cup of coffee next to her.]]
/ Mo: I filled our your form, now where do I fill up?
/ Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Moreau. We're not currently accepting seed of your caliber. / Receptionist: We can't afford to dish out fifty bucks to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that strolls in here. / Mo: I'll do it for ten.
/ Receptionist: How about
|180 - 04/10/13 - Sundae, Bloody Sundae||[[Man and baby bear at an ice cream parlor. Man eating ice cream gentlemanly. Bear ravaging an ice-cream sundae.]] / Narrator: "Don't tell mom."|
|131 - 02/01/12 - Super Bawl||[[Football player celebrating in the endzone.]] / [[Ref hands up for touchdown.]] Whiiiiiiirrrrrrr! / [[Score bar on bottom.]] / [[Opposing player walking by head down.]] / [[Scoring player still dancing]] / [[Opposing player pouting by ref.]] / [[Ref blowing whistle. Hands on hips.]] Whiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! / [[Ref making a motion of fists to eyes.]] / Ref: Unsportsmanlike Conduct. / Ref: Number seven. Defense. / Ref: Excessive moping.|
|165 - 08/15/12 - T & A & R & D||CEO: We're going green. It's time we start using natural air bags. / Scientist: [[off panel]] Natural air bags? / CEO: Boobs. / Scientist: [[off panel]] Boobs? / CEO: Boobs. / Scientist: Every experiment in the past 30 years supports the use of gaseous deceleration to safely distribute impact forces. / Scientist: Not to mention breasts aren't something we can simply attach to the inside of a car. / CEO: Enough with your science mumbo-jumbo. Stop talking and start testing. / Scientist: But the funding. / CEO: I'm the CEO, let [[bold]]me[[bold]] worry about the funding / [[CEO with big grin, tie flagging in wind, on test track, flying towards a woman's chest, crash test dummy in back]]|
|166 - 08/22/12 - Textual Content||[[Mother back to son folding clothes, him drying off hair.]] / Mom: Oh, that reminds me. / Mom: Your girlfriend texted while you were in the shower. / [[Mother turned around still holding a piece of clothing.]] / Mom: I responded for you. / Son: Mom! / Mom: I sent her a picture of your penis. / [[Boy staring blankly, mouth agape. / Mom: Is that not what the kids are doing these days?|
|176 - 03/13/13 - The Age of Uninnocence||[[Title: The Age of Uninnocence]] / [[Axes: Years Since Birth vs Porn Age]] / [[Real: 0 - 18, Porn: Diagonal Line, 18 to 0 years until legal.]] / [[Point on graph at real 16, Netherlands Legal]] / [[Real: 18 - 21. Porn: 18 - 21]] / [[Real: 21 - 32 Porn: 18]] / [[Real: 25 - 35, Porn: Milf]] / [[In between lines "Ambiguous pigtail zone."]] / [[Real 35 - 50. Porn: Mature]] / [[50, with celebrity exceptions]] / [[Real: 50 - 80 . Porn: Oh god, no!]] / [[The Uncanny Witch of Agnesi]] / [[Real: 80- , Porn: Yes?]]|
|117 - 12/11/11 - The Best Policy||[[Two guys in elevator. One staring angrily at other. The other looking forward.]] / [[Second guy now looking at first. / Guy: What!? / Guy: I didn't fart. / Guy: I'd tell you if I farted.|
|133 - 02/08/12 - The Bodily Function||[[Man watching television from his recliner.]] / [[Farting and burping at the same time.]] / Eeeeeerrrrrrrpppp. / [[Sly smile.]] / Man: Jinx. / [[Shocked look.]] / Butt: Jinx.|
|128 - 01/22/12 - The Bums Rush||[[Pointing at face. Grimace. Mo looking on.]] / Humphry: Okay, so first, you make this face. / Humphry: Note the teeth. The teeth are important. / [[Some art writing for growl.]] / Humphry: Next, you need a threatening noise. / Humphry: I prefer a low growl, but I've heard shrieking works just as well. / [[Making strange arms.]] / Humphry: The finishing touch: monster claws. / Humphry: Locked elbows. Undulating knuckles. / Humphry: You're a beast on the hunt. / [[Mo, walking past Hobo Joe shrieking.]] / Humphry: Executed properly, my method guarantees no hobo in his right mind asks you for money.|
|103 - 10/23/11 - The Candy Man||[[Still obviously at movie line.]] / Humphry: Mo, you can't bring in outside candy. / Mo: These people don't care. / Humphry: That guy cares. [[pointing]] / [[Back of Mo's head. Police agent.]] / TSA Agent: Sir? / TSA Agent: Sir, are you carrying contraband snack foods on your person? / Mo: No. / TSA Agent: Lift your arms please, Sir. [[putting on gloves]] / [[Patting down Mo's legs.]] / TSA Agent: Sir, what's this? / Mo: That's my penis. / [[TSA agent pulling a Mr. Goodbar from Mo's Pants.]] / [[Humphry peering]] / TSA Agent: Your penis is a Mr. Goodbar, sir? / Mo: That's what the ladies call it.|
|142 - 03/21/12 - The Cap||[[Guy trying to be macho. Girl disinterested at party.]] / Guy: Then I was like, "Hold up, Bro." / Girl: Mmm-hmm. / [[Super hero with an O on his chest zooms in with blurred fade.]] / Captain Obvious: He wants to sleep with you. / Captain Obvious: She doesn't. / [[Puzzled look on people's faces. Zoom in other direction. Hair blowing.]] / [[Super hero pose. Ideally at a party with adoring fans.]] / Captain Obvious to the Rescue.|
|121 - 12/28/11 - The Coupe||[[Mo and Stan walking down aisle.]] / Stan: Mo, remember when airlines decided to make the obese buy two seats? / [[Still walking down aisle.]] / Stan: Well, the fatties flipped, so companies reasoned with them. / Stan: They still buy two tickets, but they can sell the extra to anyone willing to sit next to them / [[Dialogue from off panel.]] / [[The blob over two seats.]] / Stan: Anyway. Enjoy your flight. / Stan: And thank Hector for the discount.|
|173 - 02/20/13 - The Finger||[[At a coffee shop Fan 1 leaning over to Fan 2.]] / Fan 1: Dude! / Fan 1: Dude, check it out. / Fan 1: It's Dave Grohl! [[Tiny Foo Fighters symbol.]] / [[Dave Grohl with his finger covered by sign.]] / Fan 2: No, it can't be. / Fan 2: Look how he's holding his coffee. / [[Back to guys.]] / Fan 2: ...Like a sissy. / Fan 1: No, wait. / [[Dave Grohl bringing coffee cup to mouth with the metal hand,]] / [[Fan 1 smiling smugly.]] / Fan 2: Rock on. [[in smaller type in big bubble]]|
|80 - 08/03/11 - The Gift of Giving||[[Grandma handing wrapped gift box with a bow]] / Wife: Happy Birthday! / Wife: This is from the both of us. / [[Grandpa with arms extended]] / Husband: And for the both of us. / [[Grandpa on ground ripping open the present like a child, child looking on confused]]|
|102 - 10/19/11 - The Next Guy||[[Stan on line for movie tickets. Mo arrives with Raisinets.]] / Mo: I hope you like Raisinets. / Stan: I like them as much as the next guy. / [[Pan to next guy behind them in line. Stan still visible looking at him. Man vehement.]] / Next Guy: I hate 'em! / [[Knocking candy from Mo's hand.]] / Stan: You heard the man. / [[SMACK]] / Stan: I'll have none of these. [[separate bubble]]|
|156 - 06/13/12 - The Only One||[[Guy with guitar on stage. Lens flare. Silhouettes of arms and screaming fans in front.]] / Lyrics: You're the air in my lungs. / You're the waves on my sea. / [[Holding hand with some girl, guitar slung over back. Pulling into the dressing room with star.]] / Lyrics: You're my moon, you're my sky, / You're the sun on my tree. / [[Just star closed door.]] / Lyrics: Plant my root in your earth. / You're the only one for me. / Lyrics: The only one for me. / The only one for me. / [[Girl walking out disheveled.]] / [[Bouncer holding back line of girls.]]|
|148 - 04/25/12 - The Razr's Edge||[[Phone salesman presenting to customer.]] / Salesman: And here we have the new Motorola Droid Razr. / Salesman: It comes in five different colors. / Customer: So, these are the black ones? / [[Salesman showing the sides of two phones. Tiny strip of color.]] / Salesman: No, this one's white. / Salesman: And this is the purple model, our best seller. / [[Holding what seems to be a semi-transparent pane of glass.]] / Salesman: Or you could go with the new Windows Pane 2XP / Salesman: So thin, it's all screen. / Salesman: It also comes in five colors. / Salesman: The guy who made this one was thinking: "orange."|
|130 - 01/29/12 - The Sex||[[Two pretty young kids sneakily talking in a classroom sitting at desks.]] / Boy 1: Pssst. Billy. / Boy 1: Do you know what the sex is? / Boy 2: I don't know the first thing about it. / Boy 2: But I know the last thing. / Boy 2: It's when you shoot it in her face.|
|110 - 11/16/11 - The Sneak||[[Humphry poking head around corner of movie theatre hallway. Ticket collector visible in front looking the other way.]] / Humphry: The coast is clear. / Humphry: Run! / [[Hallway view doors on the two sides]] / [[Mo entering second door, Smoodge running across with chair on back.]] / [[Humphry pointing at second door, spinning arm urging them to go.]] / Humphry: Move! / Humphry: Move! / Humphry: Move! / [[Sitting in different theater. Beginning of Empire]] / Smoodge: Whoah, whoah, whoah! / Smoodge: Black and white. Ambient soundtrack. / Smoodge: All that effort! To sneak into an artsy-fartsy!? / Humphry: It's not about the movie. It's about the thrill of the sneak.|
|171 - 02/06/13 - The Survey||Guy: So, can we build our mall here? / Geologist: We've looked into it. / Guy: And...? / [[Geologist that looks like classic archeologist pointing diagonally at the sky.]] / Geologist: Geological survey says... / [[Family Feud Board]] / [[1.Dirt 2. Oil 3. 4.Dinosaur bones. 5.People bones 6.Regular Bones 7. Pirate Treasure ]] / Geologist: Oil! / [[Geologist and guy looking worriedly at Daniel Plainview. ]] / [[Daniel Plainview staring holding bowling pin menacingly .]]|
|160 - 07/11/12 - The Terms of Endearment||[[Couple sitting casually on park bench with bluebird.]] / [[Girl farts, guy looks surprised.]] / [[Guy smells fart, looks upset. Bird flies away.]] / [[Guy realizes intensity of fart.]] / Guy: I think we should break up.|
|164 - 08/08/12 - The Too-Trite Show||Leno: First things first, Jon. Do you have any flirting tips for the guys at home? We want to pick up the ladies like you do. / Jon: Listen, Jay. Before we get started, I've got to say... / Jon: ...I think your show is terrible. Your interviews are straight out of Us Weekly. Your bits are boring. And worst of all you tell [[bold]]exclusively[[bold]] bad jokes. / Jon: But I'm glad to be here. I'm having a great time. / Jon: And to answer your question, no. / [[Leno monologue position.]] / Leno: So last night we had Jon Hamm on the show. / Leno: Interview, ah, didn't go so well. / Leno: Maybe we should have gone with Plan B: Ham Sandwich.|
|93 - 09/18/11 - Uncharitable||[[Panda at door with briefcase.]] / Panda: Care to donate to my uncharity? / Panda: We file frivolous lawsuits against regular charities to drain their funds. / Panda: Imagine! Your five dollars can help keep food from the mouth of a starving African. / Humphry: Why would anyone ever[[interrupted]] / Panda: Donate and I'll let you hold me. / [[Humphry holding panda, really happy.]] / Humphry: Best ten dollars I've ever spent.|
|184 - 05/15/13 - Unexpected Development||Narrator: 1980. / Head: Let's hear game ideas. I'm thinking scary. / [[People serious around board table except Developer 3, who's already nuts.]] / Developer 1: Getting chased... / Head: Mmm hmm. / Developer 1: ...relentless enemies out to kill. / Developer 2: In a maze. / Head: Okay. / Developer 3: Like The Shining! / Head: Love it! / [[Developers excited.]] / [[Developer 2 pointing downwards emphatically.]] / Developer 1: And the bad guys are horrible, scary like wolves. / Developer 3: Or werewolves. / Developer 2: No! Ghosts! Even if you [[italics]]think[[/italics]] you kill them, they come back. / Developer 3: Cause they're ghosts, so they're already dead! / Head: Brilliant! / [[Developers off the wall bouncing excited, Head guy distressed.]] / Developer 3: And...and the only reason you're even in this maze...is cause you're hungry. / Head: What? / Developer 2: Really hungry. And there's food everywhere. And sometimes fruit. / Developer 3: Fruit! / Head: What!? / Developer 1: And you yourself are a delicious wheel of cheese. With one desire. One drive. / Developer 3: Insatiable hunger! / Head: Guys, I don't..[[cut off]] / Developer 2: And if those ghosts try to get in your way, you'll eat them too. / Developers: Yeah! Yeah! / Narrator: Pacman: One catered lunch from the scariest game ever.|
|120 - 12/21/11 - Up and Running Joke||[[Back of Mo's head. TSA agent.]] / TSA Agent: Sir, are you carrying fluids on your person? / Mo: That's a loaded question. / TSA Agent: Spread your legs, Sir. [[putting on gloves]] / [[Patting down Mo's legs.]] / TSA Agent: What's this, Sir? / Mo: That's my penis. / [[TSA agent pulling a bottle of head and shoulder's from his pants.]] / [[Humphry peering]] / TSA Agent: Your penis is Head and Shoulders, Sir? / Mo: Only if you include the testicles.|
|138 - 02/29/12 - Utittytarianism||Girl: Professor, in supporting a rule based morality, you've neglected the simple logic of Utilitarianism. Why not take actions that benefit the most people? / [[Smug professor.]] / Professor: Why not show the class your breasts? / Girl: Because Utilitarianism requires aggregated benefit. You can't know my embarrassment won't outweigh whatever momentary pleasure might ensue. / [[The rest of the class looking on eagerly.]] / Professor: Yes we can.|
|153 - 05/23/12 - Voices||[[Shot from behind man. Staring in mirror, see the reflection. Bloodshot eyes, dark circles, straight face.]] / [[Voice is scary black bubble white scrawled lettering:]] / Voice: Do it. / Guy: I can't. / Voice: Dooooo it. / [[Similar shot. Staring in mirror, now with scary overly smiling face, and holding knife.]] / Scary black voice: Use the knife. / [[Guy carving "Boobs" into a bathroom stall wall.]] / Voice: Hehe. Boobs.|
|123 - 01/04/12 - Waiting On Love||[[Man and attractive woman]] / Man: I think you're great. / Man: It's just that I'm looking for someone to wait on me hand and foot.|
|129 - 01/25/12 - War Stories||[[Commanding officer sitting next to new guy in trench.]] / New Guy: So what now? / Commanding officer: You wait here for the next five to six months. / Commanding Officer: And occasionally point this gun thataways. / New Guy: That's it? That's all we do? / Soldier:[[Crawling over with stupid proud grin]] I get to have trench foot!|
|97 - 10/02/11 - When I?m Dead||Middle-Aged-Woman: Dad, you're not a cripple. Get off your ass, walk over here, and help with this door. / Off panel: I'll walk when I'm dead / [[Woman barricading roof door, man still on bench, zombies below.]]|
|145 - 04/04/12 - Your Princess is in Another Castle||Go check out our guest comic at eqcomics.com* / *See blog for details|
|136 - 02/19/12 - Ziggy||[Older Toby not yet yelling, but almost realizing that he blames Sarah] / Toby: I bust my ass for minimum just to support a wife and kid who both hate me. / Toby: You know what, Sarah? This is [[bold]]your[[bold]] fault. / Toby: Think of what I could have had. / [[Dance Magic Dance scene from Labyrinth.]] / Bowie: Dance Magic dance! / Toby: I should be drinking goblin beer and singing goblin songs with David Bowie! / Toby: David Bowie! / Labyrinth: Where Are They Now|
|90 - 09/07/11 - Not-So-Superpower #1||Narrator: Today on Not-So-Superpowers
/ [[Two people hovering over another guy]]
/ Man: [[sprawled on ground screaming, scared to death]] aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
|1 - 11/10/10 - The Hyena||[[Clown handing hairy balloon animal to kid]] / Boy: This isn't a dog. / Humphry: Rounded ears, disgusting scraggly back hair. / Humphry: It looks just like a hyena. / Boy: But I want a dog! / Humphry: Kid, it IS a dog. / [["Science is Fun" booth]] / Scientist: Actually, while often thought of as a type of dog, the hyena is, technically speaking, a malformed cat-beast. / Humphry: Then why the hell didn't it get its own Thundercat. From the sound of it, it's twice the cat Snarf was. / [[combined thought bubble of kid and Humphry]] / [[Disgusting Thundercat Hyeno, prominent Thundercat symbol]] / Boy: Ewww! Gross. / Humphry: Oh. / Humphry: That's why.|
|167 - 08/29/12 - 2 Legit, Acquit||Guard: I've got two pieces of good news: / Guard: You're going to be a father. / [[Gaoler opening cell for inmate]] / Guard: And therefore not a legitimate rapist. / Guard: You're free to go.|
|2 - 11/17/10 - The Mime License||Cop: Clown license and registration please, for you AND Fancy-pants over there. / Cop: Alright, your paperwork checks, but Mr. Too-big-for-his-britches's is just an old moist towelette. / Humphry: You mean a dry towelette, Officer? / Cop: You guys know the deal: no license, no tom-mimery. I think Ragnar-shaggy-trousers needs to spend a couple of hours in lockup. / [["Philosophy is fun!" banner]] / Philosopher: Jail scares no mime! For what is the life of a mime but an interminable metaphysical imprisonment? / Cop: With the muteness and all the bumping into invisible crap, they're like the Helen Kellers of street performance. I guess I can cut him some slacks. / H: Mute?! You know Helen Keller was a banshee, right? / Cop: Oh. Well, um, so is your mime pal / Cop: Under the right conditions. [[Holding up a gun]] / PANEL 5 / [[Mo, shot in kneecap, bleeding, possibly profusely, yelling into the air]] / Mo: " " [[bubble entirely blank]] / Cop: Well I'll be damned. [[hand on chin]]|
|3 - 11/21/10 - The Fop||Cop: And you, what do you think you're doing, loitering over there? / Humphry: Loitering!? Sir, that man is clearly moving. That's meandering if I've ever seen it. / [[dapper man walking down to street corner]] / Fop: Meandering!? How dare you foist a purpose on my wandering. / Cop: No purpose you say? And it appears to me you've stopped moving! Loitering it is! / [[man walking away]] / Fop: ...Unless I saunter away first! / Humphry: Just look at that leisurely gait. / Humphry: The elevated knees. / Humphry: The swiveling hips. / Humphry: That there's the best damn mosey in town. / Cop: Yeah, no way I'm giving him a ticket.|
|101 - 10/16/11 - 4Steve||[[Night time outside house, pressing IPhone 4s. The screen is bright shining on face.]] / [[Looks next door down street, from over shoulder see neighbors pointing iphones to the sky.]] / [[Raises phone one arm, phone face up straight into the air. Light pointing towards sky.]] / [[Shadowy outline of the US. Bright dots form Steve Jobs' Face.]] / iEndure|
|4 - 11/24/10 - The Monocle||[[Dapper man from previous comic still walking away]] / Cop: That was the sort of guy I'd expect to wear a monocle. / Humphry: And in any lesser comic, he would have. / Cop: Monocles, aren't those the sort of stupid things you'd usually get angry about? / Humphry: [[fist raised in anger]] Did our ancestors not realize we saw out of both eyes, and that squeezing a fragile piece of glass mere millimeters from our eyeball is a horrible idea. / Stanislav [["History is Fun" booth]]: What's even worse is that the monocle was invented nearly 500 years after glasses. People just thought it looked cool. / Stanislav: Oh my god! / Stanislav: I'm going to be a millionaire. / [[Outside a Gap store, "The Pant" ads on sides, people at line buying pant, which is a single legged bottom with a suspender. Man with pant celebrating in front of store.]]|
|5 - 11/28/10 - Like Tootsie Roll||[[On trail in woods]]
/ Humphry: What's shakin', toots?
/ Woman: Toots? Like a train, like toot-toot?
/ Woman: That's your line?
/ Humphry: Not toots, tootse.
/ Woman: I'd pronounce that the same way. / [[Hand and forearm reaching out of ground]]
/ Humphry: Tuuts?
/ Woman: You see, the problem with comic strips is I have to READ the bubbles floating over your head. / Zombie Ferdinand de Saussure: If you had listened to me while I was alive, you'd have a perfectly reasonable way to represent:
|6 - 12/1/10 - The Pant Profit||[[Stanislav, Mo, and Humphry sitting in living room. Mo same outfit, backwards hat, black]] / Mo: Smoodge, why haven't we haven't pimped out our crib with all your Pant money? / Stanislav: Yeah, about that. / Mo: About what?! Just saying that doesn't get you off the hook. / Stanislav: We sold scads of pantanta in the first quarter, and recouped our investment capital. Problem was, I only patented the right one. Zombie Thomas Edison, that undead asshole, swooped in on the left. Turns out, the right pant was a [[italics]]bit of a liability. / Mo: Liability? / [[Staring through window]] / Stanislav: Bicycles. / Mo: Oh dear God! / Humphry: PANTEMONIUM! / [[ pant in bicycle pandemonium. Naked man running from bike with pant in gears. One or two men tumbling with their pant sort of on their leg attached to the flipping bike.]] / Zombie Thomas Edison: [[riding old-timey bicycle]] Suckers.|
|7 - 12/05/10 - Humphry's Name||[[In front of two posters]] / Mo: Humphry, I've been thinking. What the hell kind of name is Humphry? / Stanislav: It's Humphry's name, sir. [[Aside]] / Mo: I mean, MPHR?! . / Stanislav: And sometimes Y!? That's a logjam of consonants. / Humphry: I'll have you know I come from a tradition of well-respected Humphries. / Mo: Name one besides Humphrey Bogart. / Humphry: Bogart!? That pot-crazed Hum-fraud sullies the refined elegance of my name with his superfluous vowels. / Humphry: [[pointing at poster]] Humphry Knipe, now there's a Humphry a man can stand behind or, in this case, in front of. / Mo: Wait a hot second! You're saying it's not a nudie of Tom Wilkinson? / Mo: Next you're going to tell me that's not Ron Jeremy. [[pointing in other direction]] / [[closeup on Balzac poster with back of heads]] / Humphry: Nope, it's Honore [[with accent]] de Balzac, which my limited spanish leads me to believe is the world's greatest name. / Mo: And the best sex column advice EVER.|
|8 - 12/08/10 - Dicknames||[[Humphry staring at audience, at talk show desk, Stanislav on one of 2 couches to the side]]
/ Humphry: As a fledgling comic, we understand it's our duty to ingrain ourself into the consciousness of our new readership. Inspired by our previous strip, we've decided to offer some recommendations for a pressing masculine matter that's sure to get you talking:
/ Humphry: Original penis names.
/ Humphry: Without further ado
/ Humphry: Number 1. / Stanislav: The Sex Column.
/ Humphry: How have columnists not come up with this? Either I don't read enough of them or they really dropped the balls on this one.
|9 - 12/12/10 - Unrequested Guest Comic #1: Flamingos||[[In the style of The Far Side]] / [[Two flamingos, in classic one-legged pose]] / Flamingo: I'm putting my foot down! / Narrator: Gary finally takes a stand against monopodism.|
|10 - 12/15/10 - Opera||[[Clown car driving down wooded road, bubbles out of respective windows]] / Mo: At least the pant made enough cash that you don't have to man that History Booth. / Humphry: Did you really think two-bit Bill Nye and Mr. Wizard Hat were the in-crowd? / Mo: Plus, we got this bad-ass clown car. / [[Front view though windshield, Stanislav driving, Humphry passenger, Mo in back]] / Stan: Yeah, and I have time to pursue my passions. / Humphry: Like what? / Mo: Like sleeping? / Stan: No, like umm / Stan: Opera. / Mo: I didn't know you could sing. / Humphry: That's because he can't. / Stan: [[Head out the window, barely holding wheel]] NURRRGGH / [[Stan still nurrrgghing under his breath]] / Humphry: He sometimes mistakes his mating call for singing due to its effect on - / Mo: Hippo? / Mo: Stop the car! / Mo: STOP THE CAR! (interrupting, maybe in sharp pointy shout bubble) / [[Everyone standing outside the car, giant female hippo in the way, Stan with arm on realistic hippopotamus]] / Humphy: - the ladies. / Stan: You have to admit, it works like gangbusters. / Humphry: It's an honest-to-goodness coochie clarion call. / Mo: Your life is a men's bodywash commercial. / [[shower set of oldspice commercial]] / Stan: Hello ladies. Your man may not look like me, and you certainly don't want him smelling like he's me...|
|11 - 12/19/10 - Immodest Proposal||[[Stanislav lying provocatively on rug in front of fire, women's legs, high heels, pinching nipple]] / Stan: Oh, I didn't see you come in. / Stan: I think we've both seen this coming for a long time. / Stan: Questions is: / Stan: what are we going to do about it?|
|12 - 12/22/10 - The Christmas Card||[[Stanislav standing next to Winnie the Pooh style honey Jar]] / Stanislav:"I was planning on giving you a jar of honey, but you know what they say: / Stan: "Give a man honey, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man bees" / [[Man holding out a wrapped gift with bow, with a beekeeper mask on]] / Stanislav: "and there's a five percent chance he dies from anaphylaxis." / Stanislav: Merry Christmas! / Stanislav: Enjoy your gift. / Happy holidays all the way / Up to my Nipples|
|86 - 08/24/11 - The Snarly Snoot (1/3)||[[cover]] / The Snarly Snoot / by Will Moore / [[Narrator standing]] / Let me tell you / of the snarly snoot, / Which in my hous / one night took root. / [[Back-end of snoot under sofa]] / 'Neath the sofa in / the parlor he did reside, / [[Front-end of snot under sofa]] / With long slimy / tentacles and / a scaly hide. / [[Nash getting onto couch]] / Upon the couch / sat poor Mr. Nash, / [[Nash on couch]] / The snoot grabbed / his boot and he / was gone in a flash. / [[Nash being dragged]] / Under his seat / I saw him dragged, / [[Nash being dragged]] / Across a carpet / newly shagged.|
|13 - 12/25/10 - A Very Nipples Christmas Part 1||[[Title card from a christmas movie, piece of mistletoe] / Up to my Nipples Presents: / A Very Nipples Christmas / [[Robin Hood, fat with a big grey beard sitting in chair]] / Narrator: Decades of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor had taken its toll on Robin Hood. His whiskers, once golden and finely trimmed like a young conquistador, were now hoary and unkempt. His tights lived up to their name. / [[Little John looks like Lil' Jon with a goblet/chalice but in normal Merry men attire]] / Narrator: More importantly his morality was undergoing a rigorous self-imposed overhaul. / Robin Hood: Little John / Little John: Yeah!? / Robin Hood: I've been thinking. / Little John: What!? / Robin Hood: What are we doing favoring the poor? They're just rich people with fewer things. / Robin Hood[[unconnected circle from off-panel]]: And always ungrateful. / [[Robin Hood presenting a single boot and taking a rug from a cart]] / Peasant 1: What am to do with an unpaired boot? Am I to feed my starving children leather for supper? / Robin Hood: I guess you can have this rug too. / Peasant 1: You expect me to use this rug without a matching armoire. / Robin Hood [[unconnected circle from off-panel]]: No matter how trifling a gift I give them, those dickwads lord it over the other peasants. / [[Same peasant wearing a single boot sitting on another peasant on the rug. A third peasant kneeling before him A fourth peasant behind the armoire ready to push it down.]] / Peasant 1: Kneel before your vagrant overlord! / Peasant 1: Kiss the boot of reckoning or be crushed by the armoire of sorrows!|
|14 - 12/27/10 - A Very Nipples Christmas Part 2||Narrator: Since curing his kleptomania was out of the question, Robin Hood had to find a more worthy crowd upon which to bestow his plunders. What once was rich vs. poor became naughty vs. nice. But nearly all those that appeared nice were, in some sense, naughty.
/ [[Robin Hood scratching head]]
/ Robin Hood: Those priests seemed grateful and all, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with what they intended to do with those sheep. / [[Sheep in field wearing a pink bra and a nun's veil]]
/ Sheep: Bah. / Robin Hood: I need a new plan.
/ Little John: Have you considered children?
/ Robin Hood: And let them suffer the same fate as those sheep?
/ Robin Hood: Are you mad!?
/ Little John: No, not like that.
/ Little John: Give the gifts
|15 - 12/29/10 - A Very Nipples Christmas Part 3||Narrator: Over time, Robin Hood developed a knack for knowing exactly what children wanted, and more importantly, exactly where to get it. / Narrator: 1565 / Store Owner: Some band of miscreants have purloined our entire stock of hoop-and-sticks. / Off-panel: What ever will the children trundle? / Narrator: 1958 / [[Same positioning of everything, including pose of shop keeper, except sterile 1950's look]] / Store Owner: A gang of doggone rascals has pinched all our hula-hoops. / Off-panel: What now? / Off-panel: I'll not have my child gyrating outside the numinous confines of a hoop! / [[Panel split in 3]] / [[News Reporter holding notes in two hands, little box in top right with picture of appropriate toy. News reporter has a different hat or tie or something in each panel, but otherwise is exactly the same.]] / Narrator: 1983 / News Reporter: Retailers face customer outrage as stores across the county report empty shelves of My Little Ponies. / Narrator: 1984 / News Reporter: ...Care Bears. / Narrator: 1985 / News Reporter: ...Cabbage Patch Kids. / Narrator: 1998 / [[Manager holding back the door, talking to a clearly frightened Steve]] / store manager: Can't hold 'em back much longer. Goddamnit, soldier, where the hell are the Furbies? / Steve: Sir, they're gone. Vanished, just like the tamagotchis last year. You don't think... / Manager [[interrupting]]: You know damn well it wasn't the Tamagotchi Bandit. / Manager: It couldn't have been. / Manager: His M.O. was tamagotchis.|
|16 - 01/02/11 - A Very Nipples Christmas Part 4||[[Little table, plate of cookies and milk]] / Narrator: Year after year, under the guise of benevolence, Robin Hood wrested control of the season's hottest items and doled them out at his own capricious discretion. / [[Unlit fireplace, 3 stockings hanging]] / Narrator: With a front of holly-jolly and very-merry, he reveled in having the joy of children at his velvet-gloved fingertips. But sometimes us adults want those gifts too. / [[Stanislav holding huge net, hiding next to fireplace, shadowed]] / Stanislav: Enough is enough. / Stansilav: The fat man must go down. / Stansislav: It's my turn to get a Nerf N-Strike Stampede ECS Blaster. / [[Santa kicking in door with WHAM]] / [[Quad split double panel]] / [[1: Santa grabbing arrow.]] / Santa: You'd better watch out. / [[2: Stanislav closeup of face and neck, shadow of Santa.]] / Stanislav: Santa? / Santa: You'd better not cry. / [[3:Santa aiming bow and arrow]] / Santa: You'd better not shout / [[4: Arrow making THUNK noise lodged in Stan's neck]] / [[Stan grabbing at arrow]] / Santa: I'm telling you why / [[View from squinted eyes, barely see santa]] / Santa: Santa Claus is going to town. / [[Santa crazy angle like from feet, hovering above] / Santa: On your ass.|
|17 - 01/05/11 - A Very Nipples Christmas Part 5||[[Humphry standing next to Stanislav pinned to the wall upside-down with arrows.]] / Stan: Am I alive? / Humphry: Apparently. / Stan: Ughhhhhhh. / Humphry: I usually like to keep a hands-off policy with these theories of yours, but THIS has my attention. / [[close up of upside down Stan head]] / Stan: I should have known better. / Stan: He's dyed his duds red and added frills, but the rest is all a ruse. / Stan: There's no sleigh. No reindeer. / Stan: No chimneys or ho ho hos. / Stan: No rosy cheeks or "What would you like for Christmas, little boy?" / [[Humphry walking off]] / Stan: The only question I remember is "Where should I stick this boot?" and I don't recall an opportunity to respond. / Mo: [[off-panel]] Humphry, get in here, somebody left us presents! / Humphry: What'd we get? / Stan: Too little too late. / Stan: That's what. / Humphry: [[off-panel]] Fuck yeah, a new apron! / Stan: Big mistake, Claus. / Stan: You should've killed me when you had the chance. / Narrator: Coming Christmas 2011 / Narrator: A Very Nipples Christmas 2: / Narrator: The Wreath of Con / Narrator: Christmas is about to get Christmessier.|
|18 - 01/08/11 - Safety Scissors||[[Sign "Ribbon Cutting!!!". Scissors standing at door, not allowing kindergarten scissors in.]] / Big Scissors: You just can't cut it. / Narrator: Designed, instead, to withstand the pastes and mouths of kindergarten, Jerry's social life was crippled by sheer functional limitations.|
|19 - 01/12/11 - The Quaker||[[At gas station, Humphry pumping gas, hippo bungee corded to the roof]]
/ Hippo: Muff. Muff. Muff.
/ Quaker:[[off-panel]] That there's a top-notch hippo.
/ Humphry: Thanks?
/ Humphry: By the way, your hat and kerchief are just dandy. / [[Quaker pumping gas into his bus, middle visible reading "Society of Friends"]]
/ Humphry:[[off-panel]] I thought you Quakers abandoned the oatmeal guy shtick.
/ Quaker: Sir, I reckon you're confused. / [[Quaker walking onto the door of the bus, end of sign visible, hot girls in windows, back of Humphry's head]]
/ Quaker: We're the Society of Friends
|20 - 01/16/11 - Sesame Street||[[driving in car, hippo on roof, Mo leaning back seat]] / Humphry: ..and that's why you can never use my shoehorn again. / Stan: Aww, c'mon. [[hands up]] / Mo: Yo guys, hold up, check this out. / Mo: Smoodge, pull up next to this woman. / [[Car stopped, Moron leaning out window talking to woman sidewalk]] / Mo: Excuse me. / Mo: Can you tell me how to get... / Mo: ...how to get to Sesame Street? / Woman: Absolutely. Follow this to Danby, take a left, and you'll see it on your right. You can't miss it. / [[Back in car. Stanislav and Humphry turned around staring at Mo. Mo head down, embarrassed]] / [[Mo still embarrassed in the back]] / Stan: So, really, I'm banned from your shoehorn!? / Humphry: Three strikes, you're out. / Stan: Strike two's a farce. They're called water moccasins. How was I to know?|
|21 - 01/19/11 - The Power of Cheese 1 & 2||[[On hilly countryside]] / Voice: How would you like to race down a steep hill at break-neck speed among a throng of tumbling bodies? / Man: I wouldn't. / Voice: How would you like to race down a steep hill at break-neck speed among a throng of tumbling bodies chasing a wheel of cheese? / Man: You had me at cheese. / [[Wheel of cheese, man upside down on hill giving the thumbs up, cheese flying by]] / Banner: Ahh, The Power of Cheese. / [[Looking at fridge open door, see body sticking out from side, holding handle]] / M3: God damn it, Randall, I told you to clean this fridge 6 months ago. What the hell is this?. / M3: It's almost entirely green. But there's purple on the bottom. And random splotches of red. / M3: You know what, this is magnificent. Son, I forgive you. / [[Close up of disgusting mold ball with colors on plate with knife] / Banner: Behold The Power of Cheese.|
|178 - 03/27/13 - Catch 22 Lbs||[[Gretchen hovering over a pram.]] / Gretchen: Awww, what a cute baby! / Gretchen: Look at his puffy little cheeks. / [[Angry mother]] / Mom: His cheeks are puffy because he has Lyme disease.|
|22 - 01/21/11 - The Power of Cheese 3: Lactose Intolerants||[[Man contorted away from an opened door, covering his mouth/nose, a men's bathroom sign, another exiting]] / Man: Ugh! Sweet...ah...oh, jesus! Brad, you've gotta come smell this. / [[Close up of a pristine toilet]] / Banner: Ahh, the Power of Cheese.|
|87 - 08/28/11 - The Snarly Snoot (2/3)||[[Narrator pointing at sky]] / "I'll have my revenge!" / I did then intone, / And began to siege, / his snootly throne. / [[Narrator pointing elephant gun]] / With courage and gusto / I did assail, / But all, alas, / to no avail / / [[Closer up of narrator]] / As failure loomed / at the end of the day, / I cried to the snoot / "Good sir, parley!" / Narrator: "Release my friend / if you'd be so kind," / Snoot: "Not until a girl snoot / for me you find." / Narrator: "Then I shall do / as you request." / Snoot: "for the sake / of your friend, / I think you'd best." / [[Flying from USA]] / So off to Africa / in a plane I flew, / / [[In plane over Africa]] / Where all the girl snoots lived / I knew.|
|23 - 01/23/11 - Washington Crossing the Sea Monster||[[Giant squid attacks Washington Crossing the Delaware]]|
|24 - 01/26/11 - The Junk in the Trunk||[[Stan and Mo sitting on couch, fist bump, female hippo walking out the door, ass still visible]] / Mo: Check out that badunkadunk! / Humphry: Disgusting. Both of you. Disgusting. / Stan: I wouldn't expect you to approve of such a fine lady specimen. / Humphry: Your alleged lady specimen is mustachioed. / Stan: And what of the junk in her trunk? / Humphry: She's got junk in her trunk, all right. / Humphry: And that junk is leeches. / Stan: Wait, wait, what are you talking about? / Humphry: Placobdelloides jaegerskioeldi. Those badboys live exclusively in the poop chutes of wild hippos. You'd better hope she wasn't contagious. / [[Stan with a computer]] / Stan: I don't believe you; it's not on Wikipedia. / Humphry: Why check Wikipedia when you could just check your ass?|
|25 - 01/30/11 - In British Units||[[Internal view of Hippo's rectum. Clear view of leeches. Maybe unclear what the whole picture is representing]] / Mo: [[offpanel]] Yup. / [[Stan bending over, Mo behind him with grill tongs and maglight]] / Mo: You've got mad leeches. / Mo: That's what you get when you pick up hippos from the side of the road. / Stan: That leecherous hussy! / Humphry: Mad leeches, eh? That could mean five or five-hundred. / Stan: Or pissed-off. [[as an aside]] / Stan: Get / Stan: them / Stan: out. / Mo: I don't know the exact count. / Mo: His butt is jam-packed with leeches. / / [[Stan holding up Mo and Humphry by the collars]] / Humphry: Would you say the amount's closer to an ass-load or a shit-ton? / Mo: Which is bigger? / Humphry: I think that depends on the ass. / Stan: Get them out now. [[behind other dialogue]]|
|26 - 02/02/11 - Take Thee to Proctology||Stan: Please! / Stan: Get these leeches out of me. / Humphry: I wouldn't be caught dead elbows deep in a hippo's rectum. / Stan: Then get me to a proctologist. / Humphry: I doubt their colonic gear can handle your heft. / Mo: I've got it. / Mo: To the clown car. [[pointing while running]] / [[Outside the gated fence of a mansion, next to clown car]] / [[Smoodge in night-vision goggles]] / Mo: Alright, Smoodge, head for that bathroom window. Once you're in, you'll know what to do. [[holding walkie-talkie]] / Mo: Humphry, follow me to the front door. We're running interference. / [[Humphry juggling on a unicycle. Mo being a mime. Rich owner looking at them with the front door open. Stan butt and legs sticking out a window]] / Narrator: An hour later. / [[Same rich man talking to his wife]] / Owner: Penelope? / Owner: Darling? / Owner: Kindly explain to me how it is that a colony of leeches has made its into way our bidet?|
|27 - 02/06/11 - Cannibar||[[Tattered white shirt, pony-tail, emaciated sailor with classic cannibal for bartender,another cannibal at the end of the bar eating roasted leg]] / Bartender: "Sorry. We don't serve food here."|
|28 - 02/09/11 - A More Perfect Word||[[Humphry at podium with reading glasses and a tome next to a cherub statue.]] / Humphry: There are no words for how wonderful you are. / [[Close up of humphry holding glasses with a smirk.]] / Humphry: But I've got plenty for how much you suck.|
|29 - 02/12/11 - Love is a Double Take||"Love is..." / [[Man peeing in the kitchen sink]] / "never having to say you're sorry." / [[Inverted white/black]] / "Love is..." / [[Woman drowning her children in lake]] / "never having to say you're sorry."|
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