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home movies T-Rex: Okay - um, okay! / T-Rex: "I - I've been awakened by nuclear testing!" um / T-Rex: "Rawr!" / T-Rex: "Oh boy, I see in the distance a villag- CITY that I can destroy!" / T-Rex: "Look out humanity! For I embody... um... / Utahraptor: Post-war nuclear paranoia! / T-Rex: Right, right! "LOOK OUT, humanity! I embody post-war nuclear paranoia!" / T-Rex: Was that okay? / Utahraptor: Cut! Cut, cut, cut! / T-Rex: What? That was perfect! / Utahraptor: It was awful! Look, I know you're trying your best, and your my friend, T-Rex, but you didn't even memorize your lines! / T-Rex: I did! / Utahraptor: You didn't! Look, it's my movie, and I'm going to put the Dromiceiomimus in the lead. / T-Rex: WHAT
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a case of cuttlefish Narrator: A CASE OF CUTTLEFISH / T-Rex: I believe I shall take a brief repose to calm my agitated nerves! / T-Rex: Ah, 'tis something soothing to discover yourself engaged in something you very much enjoy. / T-Rex: Stomping for me is one such pass-time! / Utahraptor: Good sir! I pray that you stop! / T-Rex: What knavery? / Utahraptor: I ask only for your attention, for my sister is deathly ill with the cholera! / T-Rex: Why, we dined together just a fortnight ago, did we not? / T-Rex: I remember it well; I had a disappointing dish of cuttlefish. / T-Rex: Do you not recall how I remarked on my disappointment?
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life-sized cardboard cutouts Narrator: T-REX IN: "THE LIFE-SIZED CARDBOARD CUTOUT" / T-Rex: It's the perfect plan! / T-Rex: And so simple! / T-Rex: whenever I don't want to face my problems, I'll send, in my stead, a cardboard cutout of myself! / T-Rex: Ideally, he'll have an intense, yet thoughtful expression on his face. People will say, "Oh, I'd better just leave T-Rex alone: he's intense yet thoughtful!" / Utahraptor: And you believe people will fall for this, no doubt! / T-Rex: I do! / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor: Oh, that's clearly a cardboard cutout. / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor: See, that's clearly you standing very still as IF you were a cardboard cutout. / T-Rex: [[thinking]] just a little closer...
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credit card fraud Narrator: "CREDIT CARD FRAUD" / T-Rex: Credit card fraud is a growing problem in today's society! / T-Rex: I believe the fault of this lies in the inherent design flaws of the credit card system. If I give a credit card to someone, that should authorize one purchase, for a specific amount, at that specific time! Instead, knowing someone's credit card information allows you to make charges to it for any amount, at any time, all over the world! / Utahraptor: This certainly is a lot of talk about credit cards! Aren't there any more pressing issues, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Like what? / Utahraptor: Oh, like, I don't know... WORLD HUNGER? / T-Rex: But I don't know how to solve that problem! I do have opinions about the broken credit card infrastructure, however. / T-Rex: It's my blessing and my curse!
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these just showed up in my mail, unsolicited! Narrator: "DINOSAUR COMICS" by Morley Callaghan. / Narrator: It is true that as a dinosaur, the T-Rex should have been inclined toward gnashing his ferocious jaws and making claws of his little hands, but he had been stomping on things for so long that no one remembered a time when he had gnashed instead of stomped. / Narrator: Inside, he wanted to gnash, but he doubted himself. He knew that he could stomp. He was not sure he could gnash. / Narrator: "DINOSAUR COMICS" by Robert Service. / Narrator: Well it was long ago, on some grim plateau, When this story first was told, About a land in fear made more severe By a terrible threat of old. / Narrator: And though the men were brave, the risks were grave In these misty days of yore; None could ever be safe, in this ancient place, From the threat of Dinosaur. / Narrator: Now the dinosaurs had their fearsome roars, But they had their friendships, too; And while they stalked they often talked, And debated what was true. / Narrator: "DINOSAUR COMICS" by Kurt Vonnegut. / Narrator: Dinosaurs were giant reptiles that lived long ago. They looked like this:
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things it is cool to do Narrator: THINGS IT IS COOL TO DO / T-Rex: Two chicks at once! / T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you think it's cool to do two chicks at once? / Dromiceiomimus: I object to the word "Chicks"! Change it to "women". / T-Rex: Okay, it's cool to do two women at once! / Utahraptor: I object to the fact that this includes chicks, but excludes dudes! / T-Rex: FINE. / T-Rex: It's cool to do two non-gender-identified people at once. / Utahraptor: That's super cool! / T-Rex: Then we're agreed! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Hey ladies!
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something to do with history T-Rex: Historically speaking, all I know are broad stereotypes! For instance, most people in the Middle Ages all wore dumpy clothes and spent all day hoeing. / T-Rex: Now, I know that can't be accurate! / T-Rex: What I need is some cultural context, but it seems like most of that is lost. What was it like living as a teenager 40 years ago? I have no idea! And anyone who did know has now grown up, so they don't REALLY know either, on account of memories altering over time. / T-Rex: So much information is lost! / Utahraptor: It's the beauty of life, T-Rex! You can't really know anyone, even in the present, except for yourself! / T-Rex: And that's beautiful? / Utahraptor:Well, it might as well be, since it's all we've got. / T-Rex: Hmm, I guess this is why people keep diaries: to fight against this inexorable loss! / T-Rex: Too bad they lose!
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ryan in ny / per jorner fills in: mary sue comics Narrator: T-REX IN: MARY SUE COMICS / T-Rex: I have finally completed my theory of everything, toiling in selfless, unappreciated obscurity. / T-Rex: Surely a little recognition is more than I could ever hope for! / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I read your brilliant theory! It puts every other scientist to shame - indeed, all of dinokind! / T-Rex: Thank you! I did only what came naturally to me. / Dromiceiomimus: You are so wise and modest, T-Rex! I hope I can be your friend forever. / Utahraptor: I'm the one who's been working against you in the faculty! Please accept my apologies, T-Rex! / Utahraptor: I see now that I've been petty and unfair and all I really wanted was to have a little of your attention. Can you ever forgive me and let me admire you from a distance? / T-Rex: Well...OK! Let's hug! / God: A LITTLE SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU T-REX / T-Rex: A Nobel Prize! You shouldn't have!
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ryan in ny / per jorner fills in: pragmatism T-Rex: I finally figured out how to gain the upper hand on that stupid utahraptor. I will adopt for my own the philosophy of pragmatism. / T-Rex: From now on, I'll be sticking to things that WORK! / T-Rex: For instance, some might say that the destruction of this log cabin violates fundamental principles. But if I were to show that it is a necessary means to a noble end, such arguments are revealed to be petty and ideological! / T-Rex: Pragmatism! / Dromiceiomimus: But you didn't... oh well, too late. / T-Rex: Similarly - / Utahraptor: T-Rex, stop! you cannot invoke pragmatism itself as an argument! / Utahraptor: Any pragmatic view must still be rooted in an idea of what's good and desirable. Stating what does and does not "work" is not a moral and philosophical passkey! / T-Rex: According to your fancy logic, perhaps, but I happen to live in the REAL world. / Utahraptor: Oh, I see. "Questioning everyone's motives but your own" mode today, huh? / T-Rex: You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first!
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ryan in ny / per jorner fills in: disasterous events Narrator: BASED ON A TRUE STORY! / T-Rex: Disastrous events seem less horrible when they happen: a) As part of an ongoing process over time... / T-Rex: b) To people we do not usually identify with, and... / T-Rex: c) Far away! / T-Rex: That's why we are shocked and horrified by a shoot-out at the local cafeteria, but barely bat an eyelid when we read in the paper that 20,000 Bangladeshi have drowned in the Pacific. It's just the way of things! / Utahraptor: That's silly! Bangladesh isn't even on the shores of the Pacific. / T-Rex: Um, that's right. I was thinking of something else. / Utahraptor: Morbidly funny image, though - makes you wonder what they were all doing there. / T-Rex: Yeah! See? / T-Rex: It's funny because it's far away!
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ryan in ny / per jorner fills in: treasure map T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp and eggs. / T-Rex: Minus the eggs! / T-Rex: Lovely stomp, wonderful stomp! Little house, how would you like a moderate dose of stompage today? / T-Rex: Don't mention it! / Narrator: Some time later... / T-Rex: Stomp! Stomp! / Utahraptor: T-Rex! Exciting news! / Utahraptor: My uncle left me this treasure map which shows the location of buried doubloons in relation to several carefully placed log cabins! / Utahraptor: Let's go look for them! / T-Rex: Those pirates should have used more permanent structures for reference! / T-Rex: Like TREES!
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ryan in ny / per jorner fills in: derivative comics Narrator: VAGUELY SELF-REFERENTIAL AND DERIVATIVE COMICS / T-Rex: I had the most disturbing thought today... / T-Rex: By being true to yourself, you are forever derivative! / T-Rex: Novice artists spend years looking for their "own voice" only to find they've painted themselves into a corner or waited for a bus that never comes! And what of myself? Do I stomp tis house because I want to, or because I can't think of anything else? / T-Rex: There! I did it again. / T-Rex: To be free we must give ourselves up to being totally protean and chameleonic! / Utahraptor: Sigh. / / Utahraptor: You're assuming that no voice is better than another. But it's perfectly natural to seek variety of expression within a set format, in the arts as well as in life and society! / Utahraptor: The totally unpredictable is also void of interest! / T-Rex: Oh yeah? / T-Rex: Maybe I'll expect a new format of rebuttal from you next time!
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a brief history of charles babbage Narrator: A BRIEF HISTORY OF CHARLES BABBAGE AND HIS WONDERFUL CALCULATING ENGINES COMICS / T-Rex: Charles Babbage spent a lot of his time working on mechanical calculating engines! / T-Rex: These were machines that could add and subtract, and later multiply and divide (through repeated addition and subtraction), forecasting in many ways the design of modern-day computers! / T-Rex: Unfortunately the machines, with thousands of tiny gears and cogs, were too complex, beyond his means to fully manufacture at the time (early 1800s). / T-Rex: While some see Babbage as the father of modern computers, he had little actual influence! / Utahraptor: Yes, quite right! / Utahraptor: This is because many of the innovations in his Analytical Engine, such as conditional branching and a separation of processing and memory, were left to be re-discovered by a new generation of pioneers! / T-Rex: Indeed! / T-Rex: This concludes the brief history of Charles Babbage and his wonderful calculating engines!
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self-improvement: time to make some changes around here T-Rex: It's time to make some changes around here! Some things have been allowed to slide for too long! / Narrator: T-REX IN: "IT'S TIME TO MAKE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE" / T-Rex: But rather than point out the failings of others, I will first endeavour to improve myself! / Narrator: A WEEK LATER... / Utahraptor: Hey! Where have you been all week? / T-Rex: Off improving myself! / Utahraptor: Really! So I'm talking to the new improved T-Rex? / T-Rex: Yep! Ask me anything. / Utahraptor: Y-You don't- / Utahraptor: Self improvement isn't a trivia context, T-Rex! / Narrator: WHAT IF... SELF IMPROVEMENT REALLY WAS A TRIVIA CONTEST? / T-Rex: Brussels! / Person off-panel: Incorrect! / T-Rex: This contest doesn't even make sense in the first place.
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sexual ambiguity T-Rex: Sexual ambiguity! / T-Rex: What's it all about? / T-Rex: I mean - / T-Rex: Am I right? / Utahraptor: You seem a little less persuasive than usual! / T-Rex: Hmm! / Utahraptor: Perhaps it's because instead of arguing a point, you're just asking us if you're right? / T-Rex: Well - come on! / T-Rex: SEXUAL ambiguity! / T-Rex: What's it all about?
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god vs. the stolen bike God: T-REX IT'S BEEN A WHILE / T-Rex: God! How's it going? / God: OH YOU KNOW SAME OLD SAME OLD / T-Rex: Good to hear it! / God: YEA IT LOOKS LIKE THINGS ARE OK WITH YOU TOO / T-Rex: Yep! Things are pretty okay! So, um, any particular reason why we're talking? / God: YOU KNOW JUST CHECKING IN WITH MY MAIN MAN / Utahraptor: Somebody stole my bike, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Oh no! / God: DON'T WORRY GUYS I'M ON THE CASE / T-Rex: Don't worry! God and I will help you look for your bike! / Utahraptor: Well, with God on the case, it will be returned for sure! One giant hand reaching down from the sky, with bike, coming up! / God: TELL HIM I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE / T-Rex: He doesn't do that anymore! / God: MY HAND GETS SORE
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this summer: the earth stops and everybody flies into a wall T-Rex: I have an idea for the ULTIMATE disaster movie: basically, what happens is the Earth stops dead in its orbit one day, and everybody flies into a wall! / T-Rex: (Or, if they're outside, into the sky!) / T-Rex: Hah hah! / T-Rex: Best movie ever! / T-Rex: So It'd be told in a series of shorts: each short starts a little before everybody flies into a wall, and ends with everybody flying into a wall. / T-Rex: It would be SO GOOD! You start out small: regular people, a fat guy at a buffet, building up to a parking lot full of cars tumbling into the sky, the star quarterback kicking the ball and then he, and everybody else in the game, flying up after it. / Utahraptor: Your movie sounds awesome! / T-Rex: I know! / Utahraptor: But wouldn't it get a little repetitive? / T-Rex: No way! The viewers would know what's going on after the first few shorts, so you play off those expectations. Like, there's this shot of a really elaborate wedding, and the audience is all, "Oh man, all those people are going to fly into a wall SO HARD!" / Utahraptor: And? / T-Rex: And then we cut to years afterwards, when they're old and stooped, holding hands out on the porch, and THEN the Earth stops in its orbit and they fly off together into the sky! / T-Rex: Hah hah! Two tickets, please!
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the bad news is there's finitely many songs about sad robots T-Rex: I submit that there are a finite number of songs! Therefore, the art of writing music is the art of exploring a closed space of possibility. / T-Rex: Consider the following! / T-Rex: There are effective limits on what constitutes music. If we take a week as a very generous upper-bound on the length of one song, then we have a temporal limit. Furthermore, since our ears are not able to distinguish between very similar tones, we do not have a continuum of notes, but rather, a finite set. Therefore, there are only so many songs that can be written! / Utahraptor: I am forced to disagree with you, my friend! / T-Rex: Surely not! / Utahraptor: I think that you're omitting many dimensions of song. What about the way it's played, the lyrics? These too can be varied almost indefinitely. / T-Rex: Almost, but there are still effective limits, therefore: finite number of songs! / Narrator: SHOCK ENDING: / T-Rex: Or are there?
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and i didn't even get to ken thompson's "reflections on trusting trust" Narrator: T-REX AS: "THE COMPUTER SCIENTIST' / T-Rex: Computers store information in binary code, which is a series of 1s and 0s! / T-Rex: In fact, ALL information in a computer - text, video, sound, even PORNOGRAPHIC IMAGES - are stores in the same fashion, as 1s and 0s. Here's the interesting part: / T-Rex: Any series of 1s and 0s can be converted (quite easily) into a regular number! So, for instance, your favorite song is contained - quite literally - in one single, 4 million digit number. / Utahraptor: So copyright las is in a state of self-contradiction! / T-Rex: Quit right! / T-Rex: You can't copyright a fact (like a number), but you can copyright a creative work, like a song or a piece of software. But since one can be transformed into another, copueight law is logically INCOHERENT. / Utahraptor: That's really cool! / Utahraptor: I know! / T-Rex: But, being really cool IS one of the perks of being a computer scientist!
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compression schemes Narrator: T-REX AS: "THE COMPUTER SCIENTIST" / Narrator: part 2 / T-Rex: Okay, so we covered how everything in a computer is stored in binary code! / T-Rex: And we covered how any series of binary digits (called bits) can be transformed into a number. But these numbers are really large! They take a long time to send to someone. Luckily, it's possible to send any number, and therefore any file of ANY size, using only two / T-Rex: single / T-Rex: bits. / Utahraptor: Sure, all you need are sychronized timers! Send one bit to say 'start counting' and a second to say 'stop!' / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: Yeah! Then all you have to do is count the amount of time between when you got the 'start' and 'end' bits, and that's your number! Transform it into binary code, and you've got your file! / T-Rex: Well - yeah! / Utahraptor: Ha ha, I knew it! I am the smartest dude! / T-Rex: Yeah, but there's more to being smart than knowing compression schemes! / Utahraptor: No there's not! / [[Thought bubble]] T-Rex: He knows the secret!!
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movie etiquette Narrator: T-REX IN: "MOVIE ETIQUETTE." / T-Rex: Okay, so I can accept that nobody applauds at the end of a film anymore. / T-Rex: (Even though it is the classy thing to do!) / T-Rex: But what is up with the staff coming in to clean up before the credits are even half over? That's just rude! / Dromiceiomimus: You're a dying breed, my friend! There are only a few credit watchers left! / Utahraptor: Yeah, why do you watch the credits? / T-Rex: I like them! / T-Rex: It gives me time to think about the movie I just saw. / Utahraptor: Man, I hate to stay for the credits! / T-Rex: This is why we can't see movies together! / Narrator: T-REX FROM THE FUTURE TRAVELS BACK IN TIME TO THIS EXACT MOMENT / Utahraptor: This is why we can't see movies together! / T-Rex: HEY! / T-Rex: Stay away from women named "Susan"!
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i like my rum like i like my women T-Rex: I like my women like I like my cars! / T-Rex: Expensive! / T-Rex: I like my women like I like my cars! / Dromiceiomimus: Foreign? / T-Rex: Good one! Um... / Dromiceiomimus: Fast? / T-Rex: Low-maintenance? / Dromiceiomimus: Freshly waxed, with a GPS tracking system? / Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is insanely sexist! / T-Rex: hee hee! / Utahraptor: Besides, I like my women like I like my databases! / T-Rex: Manageable? / Out-of-panel: Corrupted? / T-Rex: Eww!
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a moral allegory Narrator: A MORAL ALLEGORY / T-Rex [[whispers]]: T- oh my gosh! / T-Rex [[whispers]]: I've lost my voice! / T-Rex [[whispers]]: This is a disaster! Dromiceiomimus, you have to help me! / Dromiceiomimus: Ha ha, nope! Maybe this will let US get a word in edgewise! / T-Rex [[whispers]]: I let you guys talk! I am always interested in what you have to say! / Narrator: LATER... / Utahraptor: I heard you lost your voice! / T-Rex: It's back! / T-Rex: And, I've learned my lesson: always listen to others! / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: JUST IN CASE: / T-Rex: I represented vanity!
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the old 'culture by association' trick T-Rex: I've never seen the world, but that's going to change... / T-Rex: ...today! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I am going to go on a trip around the world. Would you like to be my "travelling companion"? / Dromiceiomimus: Sure! Although, the emphasis you placed on "travelling companion" does fill me with some suspicion. / T-Rex: Ha ha! Little does she know! / Utahraptor: Little does who know what? / T-Rex: Little does the Dromiceiomimus know that I intend to show her the great vistas of the world, and by doing so, make her fall in love with me! / Utahraptor: Ah, the old "culture by association" trick! / T-Rex: Wait- / T-Rex: It's been done before?
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math jokes: eigenvouch for that! T-Rex: The other day I heard a math joke that I just had to share! So there's this party, right? / T-Rex: A party of functions! / T-Rex: All of the functions are there: e^x, (pi)r^2, i^2, even some old-school guys like abs(x). Anyway, poor e^x is alone in a corner, acting all morose. His good friend 2^x comes over and says, "What's the problem? Come on, integrate yourself into the party!" And e^x looks at him and he says, "Why? It's not going to make a difference!" / T-Rex: Hah hah! / Utahraptor: Oh boy, are we telling math jokes? / T-Rex: We are! / T-Rex: I didn't know you liked math jokes! / Utahraptor: Oh, eigenvouch that I do! / T-Rex: BOO! / Utahraptor: Ha ha! You know, some people say pi r squared, but I know they're round! / T-Rex: That's it! / T-Rex: Friendship annulled!!
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you are great: a web card Narrator: YOU ARE GREAT / Narrator: a web card / T-Rex: Dear recipient of this comic: / T-Rex: Whoever sent this to you thinks you are great! / T-Rex: Let's assume this person is a guy. Boy, does he ever like you! He likes you so much he lets someone else do his writing for him and uses pre-packaged sentimen- / T-Rex: - But that's not the point. / T-Rex: The point is, this card is to tell you that you are great. / Utahraptor: Wait, what were you saying about pre-packaged sentiment? / T-Rex: Nothing! / Utahraptor: Were you perhaps implying that the emotions of someone who feels he can't properly express them are somehow less valid than those of someone who can? / T-Rex: Nope! / Utahraptor: Well, good! Cause that's wrong! / Narrator: THE END: / T-Rex: Dear recipient of this comic, whoever sent this to you thinks you are great!
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neoclassical pastiche T-Rex: "Life is a neoclassical pastiche"! / T-Rex: This is gold! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, would you agree that life is a neoclassical pastiche? / Dromiceiomimus: I would not, as I think you couldn't even define what a neoclassical pastiche is, my friend. / T-Rex: Well, Dromiceiomimus, I think it's pretty clear. / T-Rex: Ah, yes indeed! Life is a neoclassical pastiche, and I, a great philosopher. / Utahraptor: No you're not! / Utahraptor: And you should stop saying that, because saying life is a neoclassical pastiche is ridiculous, and nobody agrees with you. / T-Rex: Oh yeah? Let's put it to the public, shall we? / Utahraptor: Fine! Let's do it right now! / Utahraptor: Excuse me! Everybody? Would you say it's true that life is a neoclassical pastiche? / T-Rex: Somebody say yes!
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compressed novel comics: lolita Narrator: COMPRESSED NOVEL COMICS / Narrator: today's book: LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov / T-Rex: Lolita, light of my life! Fire of my loins! My sin, my soul! / T-Rex: Ha ha, so seriously, I have a thing for 12-year-old girls. I'm ashamed of it, and yet - / T-Rex: - and yet, I certainly enjoy marrying widows in order to gain access to their pubescent daughters! / Utahraptor: What you're doing is wrong! / T-Rex: Oh, but I love her, my Lolita! / T-Rex: I love her SO MUCH that I never let her out of my sight and try to keep her locked in the house as much as possible! AND, I deny her her allowance if she, in her childish way, won't give me certain favours. My love for her is THAT POWERFUL. / Utahraptor: Makes sense. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: She ran away?!
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life is beautiful but sad sometimes T-Rex: Another beautiful day: such nice sun, a fresh scent in the air, and I'm out for a walk! / T-Rex: Yes indeed, it's good to be young! / T-Rex: Hmm, but would it be better to be both young and in love. / T-Rex: *sigh* / T-Rex: Life is beautiful but sad sometimes! / Utahraptor: Maybe you should write something about it! / Utahraptor: Sometimes writing lets you explore your feelings better. / T-Rex: "Explore your feelings"? Shuck that jive, man! Feelings are for sissies and the elderly! / T-Rex: Whom, it's worth noting, I respect!
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how to attract women! Narrator: HOW TO ATTRACT WOMEN / T-Rex: Attracting women is easy! / T-Rex: Personally, I rely on my rugged physique and piercing orange eyes (in which, because they are so deep and soulful, one feels they could drown), coupled with my delightful conversational skills and coquettish flair! / Utahraptor: This is not much help to people who do not have such coquettish flair! / T-Rex: True! / T-Rex: In that case, I would advise them to meet women on the Internet. / Utahraptor: That's your advice. "How to meet women: use the Internet." / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: If you don't have the Internet, put up flyers around town!
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