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dude needs to think these things through, daaaaaam T-Rex: I have come up with the ULTIMATE COMEBACK to be used on musicians! All I have to do is wait for one to put me down, and then I can be all: / T-Rex: "Oh yeah? Well here in the REAL world, WE don't get to rest for 32 bars!" / T-Rex: Hee hee! It's funny, Dromiceiomimus, because sometimes in a song musicians get to rest for 32 bars, while here in the real world, we don't get to do that because we're not, um - trained musicians. / Dromiceiomimus: I got that, yeah! It seems like it would only work on a musician who's lazy though, right? Or who's insulting you about being lazy? / T-Rex: IT WILL WORK ON ALL MUSICIANS. Just you wait! / Utahraptor: Do you even know any musicians, T-Rex? / T-Rex: I will soon! / Utahraptor: I see! You're going to befriend some musicians, purely for the hope that one day one of them will turn out to be a jerk and insult you and then you can use your elaborate zinger on them! / T-Rex: YEP! Here's a tip: it's part of the reason WE first became friends. / Narrator: YEARS AGO: / T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well HERE in the REAL WORLD, the rest of us don't have to raise the giant toenail of our second toe up while running to avoid damaging it! / Utahraptor?: That's a racially charged insult! / T-Rex: I take it back I take it back!!
Then here we go! T-Rex: Who here would like to hear an old joke about oatmeal? / God: DAAAMN / God: I WOULD / T-Rex: Then here we go! / T-Rex: Okay okay, so there's this monastery, with three monks, and only one monk is allowed to speak, once, each year. They take turns! The first year, at breakfast, the first monk speaks and says "I hate oatmeal." A year later, again at breakfast, the second monk speaks and says "I love oatmeal." Finally, one year later, the last monk gets to speak and HE says "I'm tired of this constant bickering about oatmeal!" / T-Rex: Hee hee! Comedy gold! / Utahraptor: Aw, that's an old joke! / T-Rex: BUT A GOOD ONE! It's funny, I think, because the conversation is spread over three years, and NORMALLY, you'd expect monks not to talk about oatmeal for that long. / Utahraptor: I think it's funny because monks are normally thought of as holy, not as oatmeal obsessed OR oatmeal loathing! / God: I THINK IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY / T-Rex: Is it? / God: WELL NO BUT I CAN MAKE IT SO IT IS IF YOU WANT / T-Rex: Dude!! / T-Rex: I'm afraid I'll have to insist!
no more mistakes for ryan i mean t-rex day T-Rex: Man! I need to stop making all the mistakes. Today is NO MORE MISTAKES FOR T-REX DAY. / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Aw diggity damn! Somehow I forgot to rinse my toothbrush after use today! / T-Rex: WELL, it seems that despite my proclamation, I keep on making mistakes! / Dromiceiomimus: What kind of mistakes besides the toothbrush one? / T-Rex: Oh, tons of mistakes. I accidentally offended a friend last night and it was entirely my fault, and I feel terrible. Mistakes like that ! Big mistakes. / Utahraptor: Oooh, juicy gossip! Let's dish! / T-Rex: Nopers! / T-Rex: I'm not dishing on MYSELF, because then you'll clearly spread the gossip around, since only gossips would say "let's dish!". Also I am sincerely embarrased and ashamed! / Utahraptor: Please? Pleeeease tell me what you did that was so stupid? / T-Rex: Okay. But you have to keep it secret! / Narrator: SOON, T-REX TELLS UTAHRAPTOR THE STORY AND UTAHRAPTOR RESPECTS HIS WISHES FOR PRIVACY! WHAT A SATISFYING ENDING.
i'm not the kind of guy who says 'hot and cold running chicks', but i'm the kind of guy who kind of wishes he was. Narrator: T-REX HAS SNUCK INTO UTAHRAPTOR'S HOUSE AND SWITCHED THE HOT AND COLD PIPES LEADING TO HIS BATHROOM SINK. / T-Rex: Tee hee! / Narrator: LET'S WATCH! / Dromiceiomimus: Isn't that kind of an expensive, elaborate prank, T-Rex? The worst that'll happen is he'll get cold water when he expects hot. / T-Rex: Hilarious! / Dromiceiomimus: Maybe he'll burn himself a little! / T-Rex: COMEDY RELENTLESSLY ENSUES?? / Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! What's new? / T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor! How's your bathroom sink treating you? / Utahraptor: Oh, same old, same old! "The good ol' bathroom sink", you know? Good ol' reliable whitey! / T-Rex: Huh! / T-Rex: Well! I guess I'm not a qualified plumber after all! / Narrator: BUT, THREE PLUMBING DEGREES LATER! / T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor! How's your bathroom sink treating you? / Utahraptor: Whitey's hot and cold pipes got reversed! / T-Rex: Awesome, man! Awesome!!
A Modest Proposal: For Preventing Vandals the World Over from Being a Hilarious Burden to Wikipedia and Its Readers, and for Making Them Move Beneficial to the Stern, Encyclopaedia-Reading, Publick T-Rex: The Problem with Wikipedia is that it's peppered with vandalism at various times and at various locations: vandalism that remains until it's noticed by someone who knows enough and cares enough to fix it! SOMETIMES THIS CAN TAKE A WHILE. BUT! / T-Rex: *ahem* / T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen: I have solved the Wikipedia Problem! / T-Rex: The solution is as brilliant as it is awesome: instead of vandalizing the ENTIRE encyclopedia, we all just agree to vandalize one article, leaving the other ones alone! That article is the one about chickens. Why? It's pretty obvious. DUDES ALREADY KNOW ABOUT CHICKENS. / T-Rex: In conceding that one TINY article to the vandals, Wikipedia wins! Their victory: a FULLY ACCURATE encyclopedia that covers every topic in the universe, 'cept chickens. / Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is worse than taking on the mob! Wikipedia will be HELLUVA mad at you! / T-Rex: No way! I am doing them a FAVOUR. / T-Rex: Their vandalism problem GOES AWAY, FOREVER, and all that I ask is that chickens become The Forbidden Topic. "We never talk about chickens", they can say. "DON'T ASK." / Utahraptor: But how are you going to get people to respect this idea? Plus, IS IT NOT TRUE THAT MANY WIKIPEDIA EDITORS ARE TRULY HUMOURLESS ABOUT WIKIPEDIA?? / T-Rex: I guess we're about to find out! I bet Fictitional Jimbo Wales loves the idea. / Fictional Jimbo Wales: I do love this idea, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Fictional Jimbo Wales! You brought cupcakes!!
t-rex is stealing the 'sounds like a good date!' thing from me, age two years ago, and i stole it from a dude who used it on me when i was telling him about how i had a hole in my bike tire and yeah, it's a rad story T-Rex: I have the ultimate CONVERSATION FILLER. Now no longer will there be awkward pauses in my conversations! Oh yes. No longer. / T-Rex: Because whenever I don't know what to say, I'll just exclaim "Sounds like a good date!" / T-Rex: An example! Dromiceiomimus - can you describe your ideal waterslide for me? / Dromiceiomimus: Um, sure! It's long, I guess, with lots of twists and turns, and some parts are dark so it's scarier, and everyone's screaming! Oh, and at the end, we all accidentally get chlorinated water in our eyes. / T-Rex: SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DATE, my friend!! / Utahraptor: What? That wasn't even your example! / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR! What are you doing here? / Utahraptor: I WAS WALKING BY AND COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING. You're all "here's an example of an awkward pause!" but then set her up to say exactly what you want! Also it didn't even work, because nobody wants chlorinated water in their eyes on a date. / T-Rex: We'll see about THAT! / Narrator: T-REX CALLS HIS MOM ON SPEAKERPHONE: / T-Rex: Hey mom, if you went out on a date with someone, would you want them to splash chlorinated water in your eyes? / T-Rex's Mom: No, honey. / T-Rex: Aw MOM!
t-rex is stealing the 'sounds like a good date!' thing from me, age two years ago, and i stole it from a dude who used it on me when i was telling him about how i had a hole in my bike tire and yeah, it's a rad story T-Rex: I have the ultimate CONVERSATION FILLER. Now no longer will there be awkward pauses in my conversations! Oh yes. No longer. / T-Rex: Because whenever I don't know what to say, I'll just exclaim "Sounds like a good date!" / T-Rex: An example! Dromiceiomimus - can you describe your ideal waterslide for me? / Dromiceiomimus: Um, sure! It's long, I guess, with lots of twists and turns, and some parts are dark so it's scarier, and everyone's screaming! Oh, and at the end, we all accidentally get chlorinated water in our eyes. / T-Rex: SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DATE, my friend!! / Utahraptor: What? That wasn't even your example! / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR! What are you doing here? / Utahraptor: I WAS WALKING BY AND COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING. You're all "here's an example of an awkward pause!" but then set her up to say exactly what you want! Also it didn't even work, because nobody wants chlorinated water in their eyes on a date. / T-Rex: We'll see about THAT! / Narrator: T-REX CALLS HIS MOM ON SPEAKERPHONE: / T-Rex: Hey mom, if you went out on a date with someone, would you want them to splash chlorinated water in your eyes? / T-Rex's Mom: No, honey. / T-Rex: Aw MOM!
(the dinosaurs/author are/is unsure about what their/his friendship fantasy actually symbolizes) T-Rex: I am on the lookout for a new friend. A new, more ultimate friend: the best friend ever. / T-Rex: I am on the lookout for science, personified! / T-Rex: It will be so awesome, Dromiceiomimus! Can you imagine being friends with Science Personified? You'd never have your science questions go unanswered. I'd be all "Hey, how does a bumblebee fly?" and he'd be all "Yo, dynamic stall" and I'd be all "Sweetness!" / Dromiceiomimus: So science personified is a man? / T-Rex: Man! He can be a chick if he wants. He's SCIENCE PERSONIFIED. / Utahraptor: And his name is - what, "Science Personified"? / T-Rex: I don't know! / T-Rex: All I know is that we'll be able to test our theories of what his name really is through repeatable experimentation and observation. / Utahraptor: I like how you're ignoring the problems of being friends with him, like what happens if you're out with Science AND Religion Personified and THEY BOTH CALL SHOTGUN. / T-Rex: Luckily, I could just ask Invention Personified to come up with a way to settle the argument! / Utahraptor: They're all siblings? / T-Rex: I'm gonna say, "yes"?
nature vs nurture vs THE INCREDIBLE HULK!! T-Rex: Something people like to argue about sometimes is whether or not certain things are genetically innate, or personal decisions! / Narrator: NATURE VERSUS NURTURE / Narrator: in comic form, baby / T-Rex: If it's natural, then you can't really blame a person for having it, because they didn't have a choice. But if it's because of nurture, then you CAN blame them for it, or the very least their parents! OR SOCIETY. / Dromiceiomimus: Is the whole nature/nurture debate really about assigning blame? / T-Rex: I think so! It doesn't change the "nature" (oh ho ho!) of what's being discussed, just its origin. / Utahraptor: Well, it's not just about blame or credit, T-Rex, it's also about free will! / T-Rex: Free will? / Utahraptor: Yeah, because if something important about you is fully determined by your genes, then you never had any control over that, and you're not responsible. You didn't have a choice. On the other hand, if you think babies are born as blank slates, then that's limitless personal freedom, but that has problems too! / God: GUYS THERE IS A THIRD OPTION / T-Rex: What's that? GOD wanted it to be that way? / God: I WAS GONNA SAY LEPRECHAUNS BUT YEAH / God: DANG / God: THAT'S GOOD TOO
the great thing about duplicator rays is that they're REALLY easy to manufacture, once you've made the first one! or two, if you don't have a mirror. what could possibly go wrong T-Rex: Literally hours of work have paid off, and I have come up with my greatest invention yet...a DUPLICATOR RAY! / T-Rex: (Duplicator rays let you make perfect copies of anything!) / Dromiceiomimus: Really? So if I have, say, a papier-m?ch? pi?ata dog filled with tasty candies, your duplicator ray will make a PERFECT duplicate? / T-Rex: Yep! The duplicate is identical in every regard. The ray examines the object at the quantum AND subquantum levels and thanks to the twin fists of Actual Science and Heisenberg Compensators, makes a perfect copy, indistinguishable from the original! / Utahraptor: I call baloney, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Aha! On account of how it violates conservation of energy laws? / Utahraptor: Nope, on account of how it's truly impossible to have a perfect copy of anything! Philosophically: if I paint a picture and you duplicate it, I'll grant that they can be identical in every way BUT ONE: mine is the original. That's a property that doesn't have a physical realization, so you can't ever duplicate it! / T-Rex: Okay YEAH it's not original, but it's an OTHERWISE PERFECT DUPLICATE. I can destroy economies based on scarcity and generate clean drinking water for everyone! I can even DUPLICATE DUDES! I can't believe you're not more excited. I CAN DUPLICATE BRENT SPINER
is it time for a new catchphrase? nope! it's time for a lower back pain. T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen: is it time for a new catchphrase? / T-Rex: Sources say: "DAMN girl, sure is!" / T-Rex: That's not the new catchphrase though. I've got - I've got different ones. And here they are! "Let's get remarkably frisky" (useful in many situations), "That's gobbles!" (meaning "that's crazy!", short for 'gobbledygook'), and "I lose at sex". / Dromiceiomimus: Um. / T-Rex: You can use "I lose at sex" for when you lose at sex. / Dromiceiomimus: Um. / Utahraptor: What's this "lose at sex" thing all about? / T-Rex: Losing at sex! Dude! It's right there. / T-Rex: It's like when people say "You lose at life", only better because it's more specific and also suggests that sex is not a competition, but that you found a way of making it one, and then, you lost at it. It's "the gobbles"? / Utahraptor: Right! Anyway, I'm late for work! / T-Rex: Shit! / T-Rex: I'm unemployed!
it's called a negative income tax because instead of bottoming out at you owing the government $0, it can become negative, so the government can owe you money. that's right! taxes, bitches! T-Rex: A negative income tax, or "NIT", is when the government pays you money when your income is low! Pretty sweet! / Narrator: NEGATIVE INCOME TAX COMICS / Narrator: it will be interesting I PROMISE / T-Rex: But there is a catch. You still pay taxes - say, a flat tax of 10% - BUT, the government also pays you enough to survive! This way there's a guaranteed minimum income - like welfare, but simpler. So if you make only $1000 in a year you'll pay $100 in taxes, but since the government pays everyone, say, $10000, you'll end up $9900 ahead in tax money. As you make more money, you net less from the government, until you end up actually paying taxes! / Utahraptor: So this acts to replace welfare? / T-Rex: Yep! And a bunch of related programs. / T-Rex: It simplifies things, plus it includes a flat tax, which a lot of amateur economists AS WELL AS even some real economists like! / Utahraptor: I can see fraud being a problem, though, especially since if the fraud's successful, the government loses real money. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Utahraptor! I just found out that Milton Friedman, proposer of the NIT, died yesterday at age 94! / Utahraptor: One wonders if our conversation today would be an appropriate epitaph. / T-Rex: Dude! I believe this not to be the case!!
you can point all your happily married friends to this comic and say 'see? you may have found someone to share your life with, but *i* get to read comics on the internet'. wait God: HEY T-REX HAVE YOU FALLEN IN LOVE YET AND IF NOT / God: WHY NOT / T-Rex: Dude! I've been busy! / God: COME ON EVERYONE WHO'S ANYONE IS TOTALLY MARRIED / T-Rex: Man, whatever! / T-Rex: First it was romance movies telling me that I won't be TRULY HAPPY unless I'm in a relationship, then it's the media at large, and now it's God? I AM TEMPTED TO NEVER LOVE ANYONE AGAIN JUST TO PROVE A POINT. / Dromiceiomimus: Aww! T-Rex, that would be terrible. I love you / T-Rex: I love you too and I'm glad we're friends. But MAN, I don't love people asking me when I'm going to get married. / Utahraptor: So when are you going to get married, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Argh! Two weeks! / T-Rex: Happy? I'm going to find someone and we're going to get married and it's going to take two weeks. Okay? / Utahraptor: Okay! / T-Rex: Okay. Well then. I'd better get on this. / Narrator: TWO WEEKS LATER, T-REX STILL ISN'T MARRIED. HE'S HAPPY THOUGH! HE'S HOSTING AN AWESOME PARTY INSTEAD! IT'S SO COOL! / Jodie Foster: Hey T-Rex, do you have any more potato chips? / T-Rex: Hah hah! You sure do love your chips, JODIE FOSTER!
a sequel three years in the making? Narrator: COMICS WITH SUDDEN CHANGES IN GENRE II / T-Rex: I'm going nuts! / T-Rex: LIQUID NUTS! / T-Rex: See what I did there, Dromiceiomimus? I used "liquid" as an intensifier. / Dromiceiomimus: Like "super"? / T-Rex: Yep! It goes nuts, super nuts, nutty crackers, and then liquid nuts for only the nuttiest things. / Dromiceiomimus: Can this also be applied to chocolate bars? / T-Rex: YOU KNOW IT CAN'T. That would be heresy! / Utahraptor: Liquid heresy! / T-Rex: Exactly! / Utahraptor: I do think "nuts" can be applied to chocolate bars though. / T-Rex: Okay honestly it can apply to chocolate bars, but it becomes confusing if the bar isn't crammed with nuts, or somehow liquidly nutty. There is a SEMANTIC COLLISION. / Narrator: SUDDENLY! / T-Rex: Anyway, I meant what I said about going nuts. I feel like I've got this powerful instinct for self-destruction, and I'm just fooling myself if I think I can control it. / Utahraptor: You're so crazy T-Rex! / T-Rex: I'm wacky times!
another time where the first panel could be up there all on its own T-Rex: Man, I've been feeling down all morning. What could possibly cheer me up? / Raccoon and Cephalopod Neighbors: PENETRATION / T-Rex: / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: And so my damn freaky raccoon and cephalopod neighbors were all "penetration" and then I froze, and THEN, I ran away. Why are they always up in my base, freaking out my dudes? / Dromiceiomimus: They're just teasing you, T-Rex! They just get a rise out of you so they keep at it. / T-Rex: You'd react too! IT'S DAMN UNSETTLING. Plus, they shouted after me about "a new sexual position". Argh! / Utahraptor: So what's so new about it? / T-Rex: I HAVE NO IDEA. / T-Rex: And I don't want to find out! You'd think that anything that could be invented has already been PRETTY MUCH COVERED. / Utahraptor: I still think they're jsut trying to be your friend. They like you! / T-Rex: They don't like me! They just like freaking me out! / Narrator: LATER: / Raccoon and Cephalopod Neighbors: IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK T-REX! COME LEARN ABOUT OUR NEW SEXUAL POSITION. / T-Rex: No, thank you! I am busy with non-disgusting activities! / Raccoon and Cephalopod Neighbors: BUT IT'S CALLED THE "WIDOWMAKER", T-REX. / Raccoon and Cephalopod Neighbors: WE NEED YOUR TORSO?
originally in panel 3 t-rex said 'i am seriously trying to evolve my head off over here', but that was a pretty disgusting mental image. T-Rex: Sometimes when you're in an accident or about to be hurt, time seems to slow down! This gives you more of a chance to react to ensure your survival! / / T-Rex: This is AWESOME. / / T-Rex: Assuming that time isn't ACTUALLY changing, this means that my brain has the incredible ability to slow down my perception of time! I must harness this, Dromiceiomimus! / T-Rex: I could become TRULY UNSTOPPABLE. I could read books faster AND also do well on timed tests! / Dromiceiomimus: It does sound like it would be an evolutionary advantage. / T-Rex: I am seriously trying to evolve so hard over here! / / Utahraptor: But wouldn’t it be boring? / T-Rex: Nope! / / Utahraptor: Sure it would! If you’re all “I perceive the world slowly, allowing me more reaction time”, wouldn’t this conversation be slowed down? Wouldn’t everyone look like statues and sound like dull rumbles when they open their mouths? / T-Rex: THERE IS ONE WAY TO FIND OUT. / Narrator: T-REX INCREDIBLY GAINS THIS POWER FOR ONE DAY ONLY! IT’S SO PLAUSIBLE / T-Rex: I’m trapped in a body that moves so slowly as to seem motionless. Ah well! At least I have plenty of time to think about…. Mammalian breasts? / T-Rex: Self, what is the deal with mammalian breasts?
god only said 'um' because his mouth was full and god believes in a little thing called GOOD MANNERS T-Rex: God, do you think I'm a good enough dude to write an opera? / God: UM / T-Rex: Man! Even God thinks I can't write an opera! / Dromiceiomimus: Why would you want to write an opera, T-Rex? / T-Rex: WELL, the consensus seems to be that opera is the classiest of the classical arts. If I could write a great opera, it would mean that I was awesome at composing music AND awesome at writing words for dudes and ladies to sing! It would also mean that I could move people with my AMAZING UNDERSTANDING OF EMOTIONS. / Utahraptor: Hah! You're not a guy who understands emotions! / T-Rex: I am. I am! / Utahraptor: Not really dude! You understand how to make fun of them, MAYBE, but if I had a serious emotional issue, I don't think I'd come to you for empathy! / T-Rex: I'm empathetic! Watch! Watch me be so emPATHETIC right now! / T-Rex: Perhaps you have not yet noticed my odd pronunciation of "empathetic", hinting at a pun and a belief at odds with my literal speech? / Utahraptor: No, I got that! / T-Rex: Sweet! / T-Rex: I'm glad we're friends!
i started this comic three years ago and just got around to finishing it now T-Rex: Remember my friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female)? That is not the only sexy adventure she has had! / T-Rex: Not by a long shot! / T-Rex: Like this one time she had a gentleman caller spend the night. Nothing happened, but the next day while she was at work, this guy did all her dishes for her! / T-Rex: Then, that night, they had SEXUAL CONGRESS! / T-Rex: Coincidence? / Utahraptor: Or just one more way sexual intimacy is commodified? / T-Rex: Sex for clean dishes! Exactly! / Utahraptor: I was more pointing out that you're the guy who's drawing the equal sign between doing the dishes and having sex. They could be unrelated! / T-Rex: And I'M just pointing out now we can tease her by offering to do her dishes and raising our eyebrows! I'm gonna do it like this: / T-Rex: Hello! Can i clean your dishes??
if you want to say the same thing about me, ryan north of dinosaur comics dot com, that would be, um, cool Narrator: RUMOURS / T-Rex: Someone's been spreading some stupid! / T-Rex: ...about ME! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, did you hear the rumour about me? / Dromiceiomimus: No, I didn't! What is it? Is it so JUICY? / T-Rex: It's terrible! SOMEONE has been telling people that the only reason I stomp on things is because I have issues. PARENTAL issues! It makes me say this: "what??" / Utahraptor: Hah! I think it's awesome you're still stomping on things, even with the rumour. / T-Rex: Hells yes! / T-Rex: I'm not gonna stop! I'm going to show people that the reason I stomp on things is because stomping on things is TRULY EXCELLENT. You should try it! / Utahraptor: Nope! I'm not really one for the destruction, plus, I don't have your ... PARENTAL ISSUES?? / T-Rex: You know what? That doesn't bother me, because I'm starting my own T-Rex rumour! Tell your friends that I stomp things because WHENEVER I kiss someone, they always pull away, smile, give me a double thumbs up, and then run off over the horizon yelling "Totally radical!!" / T-Rex: it's frustrating
bad decisions comics T-Rex: It's time to spice things up, dudes and ladies! Today I am only going to make BAD DECISIONS. / Narrator: BAD DECISIONS COMICS / Dromiceiomimus: Aw no, T-Rex! Why can't you be like a regular person and only make bad decisions by mistake? I don't get this romance you have for regret. / T-Rex: It's exciting, Dromiceiomimus! And I guess I do like the IDEA of bad decisions more than I like the, you know, ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES of bad decisions, but this might cure me of that at least! / Utahraptor: So let's hear these bad decisions then! / T-Rex: I haven't made any yet! / T-Rex: The only idea I have right now is to invent kitchen appliances that somehow crave the flesh of the living. That'd be a bad decision, right? / Utahraptor: Kinda? / T-Rex: EXCELLENT. / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Don't try to eat me, toaster! / Toaster: i won't t-rex / T-Rex: I can see you licking your lips while looking at my sumptuous belly, toaster! / Toaster: awww darn
later: t-rex learns that you're not allowed to cause harm to people if you're enlightened and is all 'what about if I could stomp on HITLER though' and then we all get to have that argument again God: HEY T-REX I BET YOU FIFTY BUCKS YOU CAN'T ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT IN THE BUDDHIST SENSE / T-Rex: Oh, IT'S ON! / Narrator: BUT SOON: / T-Rex: Man! Forget discovering the true nature of reality! / T-Rex: How exactly am I supposed to lose my ego and become enlightened through meditation? SAYING "PRACTICE" DOESN'T COUNT. What I want is unambiguous, non metaphorical step-by-step instructions! Buddha is supposed to be a dude who took steps to move from unenlightened to enlightened, right? Is there any reason why the steps he took are not understandable, communicable, repeatable and verifiable? / Utahraptor: I think I it's probably supposed to be different for each person, maybe? / T-Rex: That doesn't matter! / T-Rex:: Write down in detail the precise steps each person took and let me generalize across the set. I want an algorithm for enlightenment! A checklist for nirvana! / Utahraptor: You - you want religious practices to be subject to scientific method? / T-Rex: Yes please! / Narrator: LATER RELIGIOUS PRACTICES STILL NOT SUBJECT TO SCIENTIFIC METHOD / T-Rex: Excuse me, Buddhist monks? I'm gonna owe God fifty bucks if I don't get enlightened soon. / Off-screen Buddhist Monks: Dude! We get that ALL THE TIME!
the first snow of the year in this immediate locale T-Rex: It snowed last night. The first snow of the year! / T-Rex: It's sincerely excellent! / T-Rex: I'm sure in a few months I will be bored with the snow, but right now it is exciting and magical and makes everything look pretty! / Dromiceiomimus: Yes! It is unfortunate that the cabin you're stepping on has such poor insulation, as to cause all the snow to melt from the roof! / T-Rex: Indeed! Also, this car appears to be recently driven, causing the snow on it to blow away. / Utahraptor: It has been unseasonably warm SINCE the snow, as well! / T-Rex: This is true! / T-Rex: That explains why we're all not wearing snowsuits, and it's too bad, because we'd look adorable. Can you imagine? / Utahraptor: You'd have little mittens attached with yarn through the sleeves so you don't lose them! / T-Rex: Aww. I'd be a cutie! / T-Rex: Yes, today truly has been a day of frustrated expectations!
PALAEONTOLOGY NOTE: t.rexes did actually have ears. they didn't have pinnae, which are the external flaps of skin you're probably thinking of when you say 'ears'! T-Rex: I Have come up with a hilarious THREE-LEVEL PUN, Dromiceiomimus! Check it out! Instead of saying "I'll play it by ear", I point to my ear and say "I guess I'll play it by HERE!" / T-Rex: Hah hah hah! / Dromiceiomimus: I don't get it, T-Rex. I mean, I get that "here" sounds like "ear", but - / T-Rex: - but that is just level one of pun! I'm also pointing to my ear and saying "here", so there's level two (a visual pun!) and level THREE is how "here" sounds like "hear" and you can use ears to hear things. I'll play it by "hear", i.e., by how I hear it! It is a PERFECT STORM of wordplay, Dromiceiomimus! They make movies out of perfect storms. / Narrator: WEEKS LATER: / T-Rex: Guess what, everyone? My pun is still awesome! / Utahraptor: It's been weeks, T-Rex! / Utahraptor: I think it's time to concede that you're not going to get the response you want from "play it by here" and to move on to bigger and better things. None of us think it's that great! / T-Rex: Guess what, Utahraptor? It is great, and weeks from now you'll be apologizing to me for not recognizing it's uncut brilliance! / Narrator: WEEKS LATER: / T-Rex: Guess what, everyone? / T-Rex: you all suck
PEOPLE IN TELEGRAMS TALKED LIKE GOD COMMA THE DEVIL STOP OR AT LEAST THEY DID IN MY ROMANTICISED MEMORY OF TELEGRAMS STOP AND BY MEMORY I MEAN FICTION STOP T-Rex: How come nobody has ever sent me a telegram? Telegrams are old-skool classiness given physical form! / / T-Rex: One telegram, please !! / Dromiceiomimus: Can you still send non-singing and stripping telegrams? I thought email had basically replaced them. / T-Rex: Not Hardly! Telegrams were better because they made you go to the door to get them, which meant folks knew you were popular AND getting an important message. Plus they charged by the word so people were concise! Also I think you had to write "STOP" instead of a period so the messages were rad, stop. / Utahraptor: Hey, I'll send you a telegram, T-Rex! / T-Rex: You will?! / Utahraptor: Sure! I won't do it now though because you'll be expecting it, but in a few weeks, months, or years, you'll get one! / T-Rex: Awesome!! Wow, thanks, Utahraptor! You're a real friend! / Narrator: YEARS LATER: / Offpanel: I have a telegram for you, sir! It says "HEY T-REX, STOP I AM HERE TO PARTY STOP DO YOU WANT TO PARTY STOP" / T-Rex: I've NEVER been more intrigued!
it was the most inappropriate thing he could think up on such short notice T-Rex: If I could give up any sense, what would it be? It's not going to be hearing or talking, because I do those ALL THE TIME. / God: ALSO "TALKING" ISN'T A SENSE / T-Rex: Whatevs! / T-Rex: And I don't want to give up touch, because then I'd be bumping my body into spikes and BARELY EVEN NOTICING. Taste wouldn't be too bad, but I'd miss tasting tasty things! I think it would have to be smell, assuming that wouldn't impact taste!. / Dromiceiomimus: I'd give up taste because smell is good to warn you of fires! / T-Rex: Yeah but so's sight, and I can ALSO use sight to check out women, and dictionaries. / Utahraptor: I'm surprised at you, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Really? Why's that? / Utahraptor: You're basically sticking to the canonical five senses! I would have bet the first sense you'd give up is your sense of EMPATHY, or your sense of what's appropriate to say in social situations. / T-Rex: Hah! MAN. I would love to give up that sense! Can you imagine? / T-Rex: It would probably go down like this. Ask me if I want to go get a pizza! / Utahraptor: Okay. Do you want to go get a pizza, T-Rex? / T-Rex: SURE! Also, I - / T-Rex: - I have controversial theories about emigration?
I, like most men, am a giant neon green tyrannosaurus rex T-Rex: I, like most men, have stepped on a few tiny women in my day. / T-Rex: This i claim! / T-Rex: However, I don't claim to be a misogynist! It is a problem that the very tall face when confronted with the very tiny. Sometimes you step on them by accident! / Dromiceiomimus: But you step on them on purpose! You're stepping on that house on purpose! There's no accident. / T-Rex: I AM MERELY SHADING IT FROM THE SUN, and then my foot gets heavy and tired. / Utahraptor: Okay, but now you're stepping on one! / T-Rex: Yes! I am! / T-Rex But it's not misogyny. I'm not stepping on her BECAUSE she's a woman. Her sex and gender are incidental to the whole event! That's all I'm trying to say. / Utahraptor: I don't get why you're trying to say that though. Have you been called misogynist lately? / Narrator: EARLIER: / Tiny Women: t-rex! stop stepping on us! we think you are misogynist / T-Rex: Daaamn, tiny women! That's crazy! Come closer for a sec? / Tiny Womeen: NO DICE
if you know someone named 'boy howdy' then you could send just panel two to them and be kind of a jerk Narrator: BAD KISSES COMICS / Narrator: featuring t-rex: dinosaur, protagonist, erstwhile, smoocher / T-Rex: Here are some bad kisses i have had. Boy howdy! / T-Rex: KISS THE FIRST: one time i was SERIOUSLY kissing a lady and thought of how bad it would be if I started laughing right then, and the image of her being so PISSED at me was so funny that I laughed right into her mouth! 16 months later, we broke up. COINCIDENCE?? / Dromiceiomimus: Hey! You've laughed in my mouth too! / T-Rex: Don't try to change me, baby! / T-Rex: KISS THE SECOND: one time I kissed a woman who just threw up? / Utahraptor: Ewwwwwwww! / T-Rex: Well I didn't KNOW she'd just thrown up! She tried to warn me. / Utahraptor: What'd she say? / T-Rex: "Wait, I just threw - ", and then we were smoochin'! I THOUGHT she was going to say, "...out all doubts I had about our kissing in the near future." / T-Rex: I miss her
joey comeau of a softer world dot com likes will and grace, so i ask him to tell me some good 'will and grace' jokes, and he pulls out the most terrible stuff. i've barely even watched the show, but the will and grace jokes joey tells are SO BAD. T-Rex: God, I've been watching a pretty good TV show lately! It's called "Scrubs". It's pretty okay! / God: ARE YOU KIDDING ME / God: THE BEST TV SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TIME IS WILL AND GRACE / T-Rex: What?! / T-Rex: You're crazy! Will and Grace is terrible! They always forget to put in jokes in their episodes! Scrubs is comedy gold compared to Will and Grace! / God: WILL AND GRACE IS CUTE AND I LIKE HOW SOME OF THE CHARACTERS ARE GAY AND IT'S LIKE THEIR WHOLE LIFE / T-Rex: You know what Will and Grace is? Will and Grace is Congealed Human Suffering! / Utahraptor: Hey, who are you arguing with? / T-Rex: God! About SITCOMS. / Utahraptor: Wow! You're one step away from being a crazy person on the street, huh? / T-Rex: HE'S the one who's crazy! He likes Will and Grace! Damn it! Now he's making me look crazy! / God: HEY T-REX / T-Rex: What!? / God: WILL IS THE GAY ONE
panel five's dialogue of 'public love and recognition' was originally typed as 'public love recognition', and yeah, i guess both would be pretty good to achieve. T-Rex: What have I done with my life? For serious! I am getting older and if things keep up this way I will die an unremarkable dude. / T-Rex: My epitaph will be "HERE LIES AND UNREMARKABLE DUDE :( BUT HEY I GET THERE'S SOMEONE RAD TO THE LEFT ;D"! / T-Rex: Actually, that's a pretty sweet epitaph. / T-Rex: But! My concerns about my own lack of impact still stand! / Utahraptor: You've done stuff, T-Rex! / T-Rex: You're going to say that I've made a positive impact in the life of my friends, ET CETERA, but I'm talking about - well, I guess I'm talking about public love and recognition. You know who won a Nobel Oscar Price at age 26? / Utahraptor: Who? / T-Rex: Not me!! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS A VISION OF HIS FUTURE THANKS TO THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: / T-Rex: Good Spirit, are these the shadows of the things that will e, or are they the shadows of things that May be, only? / T-Rex: 'cause my epitaph sucks
i would make informed opinions about archaeology comics, but my only archaeologist friend is in grenada! [[UNINFORMED OPINIONS ABOUT ARCHAEOLOGY COMICS]] / T-Rex: I am a dude with some SERIOUSLY UNINFORMED opinions about archaeology! / T-Rex: Okay! We're digging up stuff all the time, right? And talk to any archaeologist and they'll complain about sites that have been damaged or destroyed by under-informed Victorian archaeologists that didn't have the knowledge and skills we have today. Doesn't it stand to reason that in 100 years we'll be making the same complaints about today's work? We only have so much history. Shouldn't we wait until we've perfected archaeology before we dig? / Utahraptor: Well, doctors don't wait until medical technology is at a peak before operating! / T-Rex: True! / T-Rex: But dudes and ladies have finite lifetimes. The past isn't going anywhere! We can dig it up whenevs. / Utahraptor: Perhaps it's only through excavation that archaeologists learn how to better their trade. / T-Rex: Perhaps! / Utahraptor: Or perhaps it's hard to admit that hypothetical future people would be more on the ball than you could ever be! / T-Rex: Man, that's not hard! I suck at flying but fully expect future T-Rexes to be flying all over the place. / T-Rex: Thanks to the heady power of evolution?
t-rex's last line is supposed to be like a "damn it, ryan!" as you might say if i ruined your quiche AGAIN, and not a "damn it, the fuzz!" as you might say if the fuzz is hot on the trail of your latest caper. it kind of works both ways though Narrator: INFORMED OPINIONS ABOUT ARCHAEOLOGY COMICS / T-Rex: Yes! I have actually done some research this time. Schwing! / T-Rex: And it turns out I was TOTALLY CORRECT! / T-Rex: Archaeologists ARE aware that they're mining a finite resource, and when possible, they only dig a little and leave some for the future. But there are time limits: often they'll be examining a site just before it's dug up for a new building of something, which means this is their last chance to see what's there before it's destroyed. And sometimes the ground is volatile enough that if they don't dig soon, whatever's there will be lost anyway! / T-Rex: In conclusion and in summary, way to go archaeologists! / Utahraptor: Hooray for archaeologists! / T-Rex and Utahraptor: We have nothing but good things to say about the women and men of archaeology! Nothing but smiles for the trained and capable few who dedicate themselves towards exploring and explaining our shared history! / Narrator: LATER: ARCHAEOLOGISTS TOTAL T-REX'S CAR! / T-Rex: Damn it, archaeologists!

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