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if any of my readers explode today due to a loss of atomic cohesion, i'll be all, wow, did i call that or what? Narrator: HI! HERE'S SOME THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG TODAY! / Narrator: UNCONTROLLED WILDFIRES / T-Rex: I don't live near trees! / Narrator: THEY'LL FIND YOU / Narrator: THE AIR SURROUNDING YOU SI THERE DUE TO THE COMPLEX AND RANDOM MOTION OF GAS MOLECULES. IT'S POSSIBLE THAT EACH AND EVERY MOLECULE COULD HAPPEN TO BOUNCE AWAY FROM YOU AT THE EXACT SAME MOMENT, LEAVING YOU ASPHYXIATING TO DEATH IN A COMPLETE VACUUM. / T-Rex: That's ASTRONOMICALLY unlikely! / Narrator: IT COULD STILL HAPPEN / Narrator: OR AN ENEMY COULD BE POISONING YOU TO DEATH, A LITTLE EACH DAY. / T-Rex: Man! My enemies SUCK. / Utahraptor: Oh my God, mine do too! / Narrator: TINY BLACK HOLES COULD BURROW INTO YOUR BODIES, EATING YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT. / T-Rex and Utahraptor: If they ened up inside our stomachs, we could eat anything we want and not get fatter!! / Narrator: LISTEN / Narrator: THAT'S NOT HOW THEY WORK / Narrator: OR EVERY ATOM IN YOUR BODY COULD LOSE ITS COHESION AND YOU COULD EXPLODE. / T-Rex: Frig! I think I missed my bus! / Narrator: SEE? WHAT DID I TELL YOU / Narrator: TODAY, MAN: NOTHING BUT PROBLEMS
imaginary australian batman needs to stop having such a stereotypical viewpoint about australian batman T-Rex: BEFORE we had dictionaries, words could be spelt in a variety of different ways. Now that we have dictionaries, spellings are fixed. / T-Rex: This I accept! / T-Rex: It speeds up reading AND comprehension, and spelling errors give editors "easy points" when looking for something to edit. FINE. But we've lost the ability to encode the way words are spoken: the pronunciation and accents of a speaker! We can get a little of that back through capitalization and creative! punctuation! but still - it's hard in text to tell an Australian from an American, assuming they're both speaking English. / T-Rex: The result of this is a proliferation of stereotypes! / Utahraptor: How so? / T-Rex: Well, say I'm writing a story about Australian Batman and I want to show people that Batman's Australian now. Spelling means I can't rely on his accent, so I'm forced to have him call people "mate" and grimly refer to "shrimps" placed upon "barbies". It's the only way! / Utahraptor: Um - pretty sure there are others! / Narrator: LATER / Utahraptor: And FINALLY, you could just have the narration mention the fact that Batman's Australian, and leave it at that. You don't need to rely on pseudoracist sterotypes! / Batman: T-Rex! Just put me in a Crocodile Dundee hat!! / [[Batman in T-Rex thought bubble]]
for reasons why i didn't write it like "british empiah", see the previous comic T-Rex: Attention, everyone: stop misusing "literally"! / T-Rex: The word still has meaning, okay? / T-Rex: It is not a generic intensifier! / T-Rex: If you say that you were so hungry that you literally ate a horse, I want to see evidence that some horse lover is cheezed off at you. Similarly, if you say that you literally ate your heart out, the I want to be talking to a corpse. Or someone with distributed hearts. I don't know. / Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure if one guy can change the way language is used, T-Rex! / T-Rex: I am going to try!! / T-Rex: And I'm doing it by bringing back "figuratively". / Utahraptor: "I'm figuratively bored to death"? / T-Rex: Exactly! I'm figuratively sick of intensifiers. What I want are DEintensifiers: words that make it clear that while something might sound amazing, it's actually just being used in a metaphorical sense! / Utahraptor: But do you really want a world where people hasten to clarify their metaphors and linguistic flourishes? / Utahraptor: T-REX'S IDEAL WORLD: Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, "Figuratively, this was their finest hour." / T-Rex: THAT's more like it!
hi! here are some things that could go right today! Narrator: HI! HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT COULD GO RIGHT TODAY! / T-Rex: Yes! Unbridled optimism appears to be the order of the day! / Narrator: YOUR RESPIRATION MIGHT BE UNINTERRUPTED! / T-Rex: Nice! / Narrator: YOUR CIRCULATORY SYSTEM MIGHT NOT SUFFER CATASTROPHIC FAILURE, LEAVING EVERY ONE OF THE CELLS INSIDE YOUR BODY TO SILENTLY DIE! / T-Rex: Excellent! Go, circulatory system! / T-Rex: Keep on not suffering catastrophic failures! / Narrator: YOUR BRAIN MIGHT NOT STOP FUNCTIONING IN A WAY WE CANNOT DIAGNOSE. / T-Rex: I love it when that doesn't happen! / Utahraptor: Me too! / Narrator: AND FINALLY, YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM MIGHT NOT START RUNNING IN "FULL REVERSE" / T-Rex: Hah! Wow, I - I don't even know what form that would take. / T-Rex and Utahraptor: But at least it hasn't happened yet!! / T-Rex: Wait a minute, that brain one is ambiguous! Do you mean my brain might NOT stop functioning, or that it might CONTINUE to function in an undiagnosable way? / Narrator: THE TIME FOR QUESTIONS IS OVER. NOW IS THE TIME FOR UNBRIDLED OPTIMISM / T-Rex: Okay
t-rex was going to go with "dearie", but cartoon grandmothers laid their claim on THAT long ago T-Rex: Everyone knows I look forward to being an old man - that I covet the societal get out of jail free card that being old gives you! People will say, "Oh, don't mind T-Rex! He always pees on his neighbour's flowers." / T-Rex: "But it's because he's OLD." / T-Rex: But I think my issue is that while I can see myself now (young, vibrant, effervescent) and imagine myself when I'm old (crotchety, petulant, charmingly belligerent), I don't see any in-between stages. The day I start going around with a walker is the day I finally become an old man, and that sucks! That means I'm old as soon as my body's old, and it's way too late to fully enjoy it then. / Utahraptor: Don't tell me you're planning to become prematurely old. / T-Rex: It is now my stated intention!! / T-Rex: And I'm going to start it by calling everyone "my boy". How's it going, my boy? / Utahraptor: I'm not your boy. / T-Rex: My boy, when you're my age, you get to call all sorts of things all sorts of things! / Utahraptor: You're creeping me out. IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU'RE NOT OLD. / T-Rex: My boy, my boy, my boy. / T-Rex: Myyy boyyyyyyyy
 
dromiceiomimus winning an award for best supporting actor in a spontaneous tableau T-Rex: Tableau vivant, or "tableau" is a form of theatre in which the actors strike a pose and then don't move! It's like a living picture. It is, in fact, French for "living picture". / T-Rex: And I am the kind of tableau, my friends! Check it out: / T-Rex: ...TABLEAU! / Utahraptor: Um, you're not supposed to speak during tableau, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Beg pardon? / Utahraptor: It's motionless AND silent. Interestingly enough, it was favored by early art photographers, as they already needed their subjects to stay motionless for minutes at a time. / T-Rex: Huh. Interesting. / T-Rex: Anyway. I'm still the best at tableau. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX ACTUALLY IS THE BEST AT TABLEAU: / T-Rex: TABLEAU! / T-Rex: {{thought bubble}} I must keep the other actors from discovering my secret to excellent tableau. / T-Rex: {{thought bubble}} It's a very competitive business.
HELPFUL TIPS FOR ESSAY WRITING Title: HELPFUL TIPS FOR ESSAY WRITING / T-Rex: Students! Are you having trouble writing essays? Maybe they're a little short? / T-Rex: Maybe just a little? / T-Rex: Well then, here are some friggin' tips!! / T-Rex: Okay, so everyone knows about making margins wide and using a big font, but teachers know that one too. They see it and they think "Come on, you can do better," and then they uncap their red pens and write "You could use some friggin' tips!" all over your cover page. / Dromiceiomimus: Has that ever happened to you? / T-Rex: Nope! But that's because *I* happen to use a little friggin' thing called "tips"! / Utahraptor: So let's hear these tips then! / T-Rex: Prepare yourself to be friggin' fipped, my friend! / Ben Chuckles: CUT! / Ben Chuckles: I'm sorry, but we don't think you're right for the role. We're really looking for an actor who doesn't add "friggin'" to each of his lines. / T-Rex: Well then! / T-Rex: It looks like YOU'VE got the wrong friggin' guy!!
"for reals" is the new "seriously". for reals! T-Rex: Man, I don't need that acting job anyway! I can get by on my good looks and charm ANYWAY, and "essay writing tips" are easy. / T-Rex: Easy! / T-Rex: For example, here's a tip! Maybe you could try understanding the topic at hand and expressing your views on it in a clear yet persuasive manner? / Dromiceiomimus: When I was in high school, I'd increase the font size on all my periods from 12 points to 14 points, thereby extending my paper in a way that was very difficult to detect! / T-Rex: Dromieciomimus! I am shocked!! / Utahraptor: Man, I just added "very" in front of my adjectives! / T-Rex: What? For reals? / Utahraptor: Of course! It was a great way to extend the length of my essay, AND it made my points more emphatic. "Trees are tall and pretty" became "Trees are very tall and very very pretty. Verily!" / T-Rex: What, you were The Mighty Thor? / Utahraptor: Only in essays, my friend! Only in essays. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Hello, radio call in show? Did you know Utahraptor abused the word "very" in all his essays? / Radio Host: I've told you: this isn't an advice show! It's a show about RVs. / T-Rex: Okay but did you not hear the rest of my question though?
DIFFERENT WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEY ARE COMEDIANS WHO ARE INCORRECT?? Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEY ARE WRONG COMICS / Narrator: WARNING: use only when somebody is DEFINITELY not correct right now / T-Rex: Yes! This will be handy for me, because people is sometimes wrong! / Narrator: THE "HEY DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE" APPROACH: / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, all I'm saying is that i can be just as "manly" as I am now if I don't go "extreme baseball skydiving" with you. / T-Rex: Hey, have you see the movie "Boy! Is Dromiceiomimus Ever Wrong."? / T-Rex: It's, uh – / T-Rex: It's pretty convincing / Narrator: THAT ONE'S PRETTY FUN. YOU GET TO MAKE UP DIFFERENT MOVIE TITLES / Narrator: FUN TIMES / Narrator: THE DIRECT APPROACH: / Utahraptor: I think maybe there are other options! / Narrator: THIS ONE ISN'T SO FUNNY ACTUALLY / Narrator: YOU CAN ALSO TRY USING BODY LANGUAGE: / T-Rex: That sounds like a GREAT idea! Now I'll be backing away from you with my arms held up in a "don't shoot" position. / 1st Off-page voice: Guys! I think he's using body language to criticize our idea!! / 2nd Off-page voice: Let's mug him anyway!
An alternate corporate controlled universe where all songwriters have brain damage? T-Rex: I like it when commercials license pop songs and then make up their own product centric lyrics. It's a window into an alternate corporate-controlled universe! / T-Rex: An alternate corporate controlled universe where all songwriters have brain damage? / T-Rex: The lyrics are always so terrible and the songs entirely arbitrary. It's like - it's like they license "Candle in the Wind" and then have some Elton John sound-alike singing "Goodbye, Norma Jeane / Did you ever / Use Duracell / They make some fine batteries / On this we all should dwell" / Dromiceiomimus: Hah! You know, I'd watch that commercial. / T-Rex: It's so representative! / Utahraptor: Now do "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"! / T-Rex: Sure! Um... how about - / T-Rex: "Someone's Sara-Lee branded / cherry pie / makes me glad that I've heard that / they're now in high supply" / Utahraptor: Hilarious! It makes me want to buy a Sara-Lee branded cherry pie. / T-Rex: It's not that hard! You just imagine being good, and then don't do that. / Narrator: THAT EVENING (SET TO THE TUNE OF "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"): / Radio (quietly): I see leaves of green / red onions too / I see them here, for me and you / And I think to myself: / "What A Wonderful Pre-Packaged Asian-Style Salad from Loblaw's Grocery." / T-Rex: Man, *I* did WAY better than that!!
 
that's the "writer being surrounded by his own words as he composes them" trope, so rarely used today T-Rex: Man, who hasn't written a story about a Man With A Problem for a while? Is it me? / T-Rex: I'm pretty sure the answer is "YES!" / T-Rex: So my new story will be about a man whose problem is he weeps all the time. He's not sad, his eyes just produce water like it's going out of style. And he tells everyone that it's just a biological thing and he's very happy to see them, but they all suspect he's sad. They say "Are you alright?" and he says "YES dammit I just got leaky eyes." Then he locks his weeping eyes with them and says "What's for dinner?" / Utahraptor: It sounds like he's a pretty unsettling character! / T-Rex: No man, he's nice! He just weeps all the time. / T-Rex: I'm going to use it to explore PREJUDICE. What's it like to be a man of tears in a world where most men don't even like to cry at weddings? He faces a lot of preconceptions. / Utahraptor: How does he deal with it? / T-Rex: Sometimes, in his most private moments - the tears are real. / Story Quote: The airline had a strict "no crybabies" policy, and wouldn't let him board, no matter how he protested. Prejudice. He pointed at his eyes. "See these? These are tears of PITY." But as he stormed out of the terminal, he knew that they were really tears of frustration, mixed with the standard tears he always produced. / T-Rex: I don't know, self! I still kinda suspect that this sucks!
for more information on these diseases, i, um, i made comics about them T-Rex: It turns out there actually is a disease where you cry all of the time! Dacryorrhea! I made it up, but it already exists. / T-Rex: This is not the first time this has happened! / T-Rex: There's TONS of horrible diseases that sound like they're just made up by somebody, but actually do exist. Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva, in which connective tissue becomes bone, freezing a person in place! The Capgras delusion, in which loved ones appear to be replaced by identical imposters! And these are just the two I know about. / T-Rex: And THEN, there's the diseases that are familiar because they're so common, but still messed up! / Utahraptor: Such as? / T-Rex: Man, Alzheimer's? I mean, I know this disease has always been an issue for me, but it's so terrible. And honestly, it sounds like something out of bad fiction. It's ridiculous on the same level as "always cries". It shouldn't happen. / Utahraptor: I don't know what to tell you, man! / T-Rex: God, how come we live in a world where these awful diseases exist? / God: T-REX HOW COME YOU WALK AROUND THE DOWNTOWN CORE NAKED / T-Rex: Man! These two questions better not have the same answer!!
sheep have freaky rectangular pupils. i'd have put them in with the raccoons and cephalopods, but nobody believes how freaky their eyes are until they wake up and there's a sheep perched above them, staring, their moist breath condensing on your cheeks T-Rex: Here are some more things that can go wrong with your body! Hypochondriacs: YOU ALREADY HAVE EVERY ONE OF THESE DISEASES! There is no room for doubt!! / T-Rex: First disease: fatal familial insomnia! / T-Rex: This is basically what it sounds like: fatal insomnia. First you have trouble sleeping, then you can't sleep at all, then you go demented and then you die. / Dromiceiomimus: Isn't that an inherited disease? / T-Rex: PERHAPS!! / Utahraptor: But you can't catch an inherited disease. You're just egging on hypochondriacs! / T-Rex: Man, they could inherit it! / Utahraptor: The gene required for it has been found in, what, less than 30 families WORLDWIDE? They're more likely to be struck by lightning, or hit by a car, or, I don't know, punched by a sheep or something. / T-Rex: Sheep can't punch. / Utahraptor: They'll learn if you don't stop goading hypochondriacs. / Narrator: Later: / Sheep: Baaaaaa / T-Rex: Oooh, what's this, a sheep? What are you going to do, PUNCH ME? / Sheep: Baaaa maybe baaaaaa
my friend naseem can't figure out these dinosaur comics either. TOO MANY WORDS, TOO MANY WORDS T-Rex: A few months ago I said I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. It turns out it's a lot of work? / T-Rex: But guys! I still totally want to be a stand-up comedian! / T-Rex: So I've been doing RESEARCH. I've been going to Comedy Club after Komedy Klub and figuring out how their performers make jokes. It's easy to duplicate the bad comedians, but it's hard to figure out the good ones! / Dromiceiomimus: How so? / T-Rex: Comedy relies on surprise, I think! There's a twist that makes a joke funny, and I haven't figured out a generative algorithm yet. / Utahraptor: Hey, I wanted to try stand-up, too! / T-Rex: Then come with me tonight: we'll go to a show! / Narrator: AFTER THE SHOW: / T-Rex: Man! How do those guys do it? Every comedian up there was HILARIOUS and I don't know why. Especially the Triceratops. / Utahraptor: Comedy's hard, I guess. / T-Rex: I just can't figure out these...these Dinosaur Comics. / God: OH GOD / T-Rex: What? / T-Rex: You know what? It's really weird when you say that.
shouts out to everyone ELSE named "jack thompson". you guys - you guys got a bum deal. The Devil: GREETINGS T-REX ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE NEWEST ENTRY IN THE POPULAR YET CONTROVERSIAL "GRAND THEFT AUTO" SERIES OF VIDEO GAMES / T-Rex: Yes! / The Devil: GUESS WHAT / The Devil: I MADE IT / T-Rex: Oh no you didn't! / T-Rex: We don't need people hearing that the DEVIL HIMSELF is now claiming credit for GTA IV. Oh my goodness, that's just what "video game watchdogs" want. They're just realizing it now as I'm saying this, but in their heart of hearts they want the Devil to stand up and claim credit for GTA IV. I'm not letting you do that!! / The Devil: BUT I ASSURE YOU / The Devil: IT REMAINS SOME OF MY FINEST WORK / T-Rex: Baloney! You don't even have a console that can run it. / Utahraptor: Huh? / The Devil: PROBABLY I CAN BORROW ONE / T-Rex: The Devil is claiming credit for GTA IV. He wants to undermine the entire gaming industry. / Utahraptor: That's kinda evil, isn't it? I thought he was, you know, more Aspergers than adversary. / The Devil: I GUESS I PARTICULARLY ENJOYED PROGRAMMING ALL THE MURDER SIMULATOR PARTS / T-Rex: This stops here! Admit you had nothing to do with GTAIV, The Devil! / The Devil: FINE / T-Rex: Now admit that you had everything to do with people saying "utilize" when they could just say "use". / The Devil: MMM / The Devil: NEVER
 
sorry, David B's "Epileptic" and "No Country For Old Men"! your narrative devices don't work on me! it's - it's too bad. T-Rex: I have a Problem as a reader, as a Consumer of Fictional and Non-Fictional Worlds. My problem is this: / T-Rex: I really don't think dreams are important? / T-Rex: I didn't think that MOST people thought that dreams were all that important, but I must be in a minority, because I keep seeing fiction that uses dreams as very significant symbolism. And the worst is when stories end on these significant Dreams, because in my mind, I'm thinking "This is ridiculous; when will we get back to the real story? This is entirely irrelevant." and then it's over and I think "Oh. Huh." / Utahraptor: You really can't get past your opinion on dreams? / T-Rex: I can't. Nor do I want to! / T-Rex: They're random firings of sleepy brains.They're stupid stuff that my brain does to entertain itself when I'm not around to make it look at chicks or punches. / Utahraptor: I mean, I agree with you, but I can still accept dreams as a narrative device. / T-Rex: Never!! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex's story: Hamlet II dreamed he was the lead singer of C+C Music Factory. He woke up. "C+C Music Factory?" he thought shaking his head. "How irrelevant." He then focused himself on the seriously erotic business of being Hamlet II. / T-Rex: There! Sex AND politics!
Not when you have friggin' tips! T-Rex: Writing fiction certainly isn't hard. Not when you have tips! / God: FRIGGIN' TIPS / T-Rex: Right. Not when you have friggin' tips! / Narrator: WRITING TIPS COMICS / T-Rex: Sometimes it can be hard to name characters. Here's a tip: name them after other, more famous characters, and add in some Roman numerals! If you want to show that a character is tough, name him Genghis II. If your character is this big lover guy who has fallen for, um, a 14-year-old, call him "Romeo IV"! Hey presto! Suddenly your characters write themselves! / Utahraptor: "Genghis II punched Romeo IV on the nose." doesn't sound like good drama! / T-Rex: Are you kidding? / T-Rex: ATTENTION, EVERYONE! Genghis II punched Romeo IV on the nose! / Passers By 1 and 2: Wow! / Passer By 3: I really want to hear more!! / Utahraptor: Man, passers by always take your side! It's ridiculous! / Utahraptor: Listen, I'll talk to you later. / Passers By 1, 2, and 3: So what happens next, mysterious stranger? We still really want to hear more! / T-Rex: Um... Genghis II and Romeo IV decide... to take you all to the fair! / Passer By 1: Yay! / Passer By 2: Yaaaay! / Passer By 3 (small text): but i've already been to the fair
say something better, like "He said, 'Either these curtains go or I do' and I said 'Yeah, thanks, OSCAR.'" T-Rex: When I die, nobody say "he's at peace now", okay? I'm so serious right now. / T-Rex: Say something better, like "I can't believe he ate the whole thing!" / Dromiceiomimus: What's wrong with "He's at peace"? It's nice. / T-Rex: It's demeaning! It suggests that the whole point of life is to be at peace, like it's this goal that we should all achieve, and I'M kind of a screw up but at least I achieved it by dying! It's like telling the kids who came in last in a three-legged race that the REAL goal was just to finish. / Utahraptor: I think it's supposed to be taken in a "his suffering is over" sort of way. / T-Rex: Oh. Well. That makes more sense. / T-Rex: Did you at least like my comparison of life to a three-legged race? / Utahraptor: It was a little confusing! You need a partner for a three legged race, but you can easily go through life profoundly alone. / T-Rex: Wow. That's - that's true. / T-Rex: *sigh* / Narrator: LATER: / Mr. Tusks: Hullo T-Rex! Can I ask you a question? It won't take a minute. / T-Rex: Oh, Mr. Tusks! Your delightful minute (as in time) and minute (as in tiny) pun has cheered me right up!!
t-rex was racist against taxi drivers a few years ago, but that's faded. he's forgotten it, so his wanting to be racist again is not a continuity error! it is a hopeful message for us all!! T-Rex: I really don't understand racism. I get it at a "hey, here's what it is" level, but I don't understand how someone can really BE racist. Don't they feel kind of... ridiculous? / T-Rex: Anyway! With this in mind, I am going to become totally racist!! / T-Rex: But in order to keep my friends and Status in Society, I am going to be fake racist. I'm going to be racist against folks who - who say "y'all". / Dromiceiomimus: That's still an identifiable group of society, T-Rex! / T-Rex: TRUE. Plus I too say "y'all" when the situation demands it of me. Okay, I'm racist against people who... wear running shoes to the opera? / Utahraptor: Wow, you hate people who appreciate culture but who can't afford expensive artifacts? / T-Rex: FINE. NO I DON'T. / T-Rex: Look, the whole point was to experience prejudice from the inside. I just need a safe racism! / Utahraptor: You need something random. How about folks who have red hair? / T-Rex: That's genetic! Utahraptor! That's the worst fake racism yet!! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Okay. Everyone, pick a number between one and ten! / Passerby: If I pick nine, you'd better not be racist against me! / T-Rex: HEY. HEY. / T-Rex: NO PROMISES
my friend d. payne never got a doctorate degree OR became a major in the military. only recently have i been able to forgive him T-Rex: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH MY ANKLE. / T-Rex: HOLY CRAP. / Narrator: BACKSTORY: T-REX HAS HURT HIS ANKLE! / Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you should go see a doctor, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you have stumbled upon my shameful secret! I- I don't have a family doctor! / Dromiceiomimus: Hey, it's no big deal. You can go to a clinic, or you can look up doctors in your area and make an appointment. / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor: So, how's your ankle? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! It's so awesome! / T-Rex: I mean, my ankle still hurts, but I was looking up doctors in the area and there's so many that have awesome names. There's a Doctor Plumber! And a Doctor Dinner! A Doctor SENSIBLE. / Utahraptor: Which one are you going to? / T-Rex: Um, the best one of them all??? / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Dr. Doctor, what's the latest on my ankle? / Dr. Doctor: As I said before, I believe you may have a hairline fracture. / T-Rex: Dr. Doctor! / T-Rex: I like your name
 
this comic was inspired by a conversation i had with someone, but i can't remember who. was it you, chris mcninja? i bet it was. T-Rex: The problem with Superman, and Spider-Man, AND Batman, and pretty much every other superhero, is that their stories don't have ends. They're all stuck in the same productive age range, 20-30 years old, and it's easy to see why! / T-Rex: Companies don't want their most popular characters dying of old age! / T-Rex: But the result is that their stories don't have ENDS. We don't know how Batman deals with a failing body and the rigours of old age, how Spider-Man reacts when Mary Jane loses her looks. I mean, we DO, because sometimes out-of-continuity stories explore this, but they're never for real - they don't count! Bats is always 30 again in the next story. It's like David fights Goliath, but they keep fighting every few issues for 50 years, and you never see how it ends. / Utahraptor: You know, there are a lot of interesting parallels here with soap operas! / T-Rex: How so? / Utahraptor: Soaps have long-running narratives, but characters die all the time. The difference is soaps focus on PREMISE rather than individuals, so they're not killing a cash cow when someone dies. They just bring in someone new! / T-Rex: So Batman dies, and the book focuses on his butler Alfred working for Spider-Man instead! / [[T-Rex's thought bubble: / Alfred: Sir, I am old and conservative. You can't expect me to "loosen up" overnight. / Spider-Man: Alfred, I'm young and liberal! I don't like your "rules"!! / T-Rex: Gentlemen, gentlemen!! Please!]] / T-Rex: YES.
is the judge male or female? THAT depends on you, dear reader T-Rex: I've come up with a great way to make any otherwise-flattering compliment totally creepy. It's so easy! / T-Rex: You just have to follow it up with "I like that in a woman"! / T-Rex: An example! Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! / Dromiceiomimus: Um, thanks, I guess! / T-Rex: Now compare and contrast: Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! I like that in a woman. / Dromiceiomimus: Oh God. Let's never talk again. / Utahraptor: Hey, I bet it works on men too! / T-Rex: There's one way to find out, my friend! / T-Rex: Utahraptor, you're a friendly guy. I like that in a woman. / T-Rex: Wait, hold on; I think I know how to fix this. Utahraptor, you're pretty gay! I like that in a man. / T-Rex: Wait. Huh? / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Your honour, you seem very competent! I like that in a woman. / Judge: Are you trying to go to jail? / T-Rex: Are you trying to be... um, everything that I like in a woman?
if you aren't spelling "hovertrains" as one word, let me tell you: You Are Missing Out. Narrator: "HORSES VS. TRAINS" / T-Rex: Ah, the age-old debate! Horses are okay. / T-Rex: If you don't have any trains around, that is!! / T-Rex: Horses eat grass. Trains are huge multi-ton machines that GET THINGS DONE. And then when you think trains are as great as it gets, you discover maglev trains! These are literal HOVERTRAINS that wrote in their diaries, "Screw it, diary! I'm just gonna go as fast as I can from now on!!" and then they go 581 km/h like it's no big deal. NICE. Horses eat grass, and SOMETIMES, hop over buckets. / Utahraptor: I guess the old stereotype of boys liking trains is true! / T-Rex: Come on, that's dumb! / T-Rex: I like trains because they're big complicated machines that NOT ONLY get folks places quickly, but also, threaten maidens tied to the tracks by mustachio-twirling villains. If horses could do that I would like horses too. / Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure horses CAN do that. / T-Rex: WELL THEN. I GUESS I'M A FAN OF HORSES. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: EXCUSE ME LIBRARIAN DO YOU HAVE ANY BOOKS ON HORSES / Librarian: Yes sir! We have books on many topics, here at your local library! / T-Rex: THANK YOU PRETTY SURE ONE WILL SUFFICE
if comic strip AND irony-loving aliens are looking for an excuse to blow up the planet today, then this one is "my bad". T-Rex: Everyone! / T-Rex: Let's pretend the Earth is going to explode at midnight tonight! / Dromiceiomimus: Aw crap! The world is going to explode at midnight tonight! / T-Rex: I know, right? Who are you going to hang out with? If you try to reach a single person who's far away, it means you can't visit people closer to you that maybe, cumulatively, you like more! / Dromiceiomimus: Ah, it's no biggie! I'll just divide how much I like someone by their distance from me. / Utahraptor: Personally, I'm just flattered you're hanging out with us! / T-Rex: Yeah, I guess I am! / T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, the planet is exploding at the end of the day. Anything you wish you'd done before you die? / Utahraptor: I mean, YEAH, but nothing I can see through to completion in a few hours. / T-Rex: Personally, I'M going to eat a lot of junk food, since who cares about heart disease now? NOT ME! / Narrator: FIFTY YEARS LATER: / T-Rex: man, SCREW heart disease
this year, yesterday was the day that i broke out the shorts. T-Rex: Man, who is the dude who dropped his wallet in the toilet last night? WAS IT ME? / T-Rex: DEFINITELY NOT. / Dromiceiomimus: Hey, T-Rex, did you drop your wallet in my - / T-Rex: You've got the wrong guy, my friend! / Dromiceiomimus: Okay, it's just - there was a wallet in my toilet this morning, and you left last night in a hurry, saying you'd "Need to visit the wallet store soon" but then came back once and clarified that you were pretending you were a friend of yours when you said that. / Utahraptor: Yeah, the evidence against you does look pretty bad! / T-Rex: I've got my wallet right here! / Utahraptor: Okay, you're posed like you're hiding your wallet from me, but I can see that your hands are empty, and there's nowhere else you could hide it. / T-Rex: I - / Utahraptor: Listen, if you want your wallet back, Dromiceiomimus left it inside your mailbox. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, AT THE MAILBOX: / T-Rex: Aw man! There's probably pee on it! / Narrator: OH MY GOSH, T-REX'S TWIN BROTHER?? NO, IT'S T-REX! I MESSED UP WITH "MEANWHILE" AND SHOULD'VE SAID "MUCH LATER". / Narrator: THIS IS CALLED "WRITING"
 
"phallocentric euphoria sounds like regular sex?" - JOEY COMEAU T-Rex: There are not enough internet acronyms. If I want to speak entirely in internet acronyms like LOL and ROFL - / T-Rex: - WHICH I DO - / T-Rex: - then my emotions are limited only to the crudest of feelings! I can laugh out loud or I can roll on (the) floor laughing, but what if I'm chuckling? What if I have a condescending smirk that fades into a distant smile of recognition? What if I want to communicate the nostalgia you have for an old girlfriend when you're dating someone who's way better, but you still miss her sometimes? IS THERE AN ACRONYM FOR THAT, INTERNET?? / Utahraptor: "IMMOGBNR" / T-Rex: Immogebeaner? / Utahraptor: Yep! Stands for "I Miss My Old Girlfriend, But Not Really" Used all the time / T-Rex: Huh! Is there one for, like, groups of people who draw pictures of kinky sex? / Utahraptor: Sure! "We Illustrate Kinks Involving Phallocentric Europhia During Intercourse. Awesome." / T-Rex: WIKIPEDIA! Oh my God! has it stood for that all along? / Utahraptor: It's the Secret Mission of Wikipedia! Don't tell anyone, okay? / T-Rex: Hah! Awesome! / T-Rex: ...Why didn't they just say so?
whenever i mention something specific in the comic i get emails from someone who did that specific thing today. hello, person who just bought a new patio set! i hope it brings you many happy returns! Narrator: AWKWARD MOMENT COMICS ] [: / T-Rex: Earlier today my nose was like, "Hey, T-Rex! I'm gonna leak blood for no reason!" and I was all "...Awesome?" / T-Rex: And as it turns out... it is not that awesome? / T-Rex: And it seems I bled all over my pillow during the night, and then when I woke up my face AND sheets were covered in blood! / Dromiceiomimus: Was that awesome, at least? / T-Rex: Not really! It was disturbing until I realized what happened, and then it was still kinda disturbing, but in a "I wish I slept with someone on a regular basis because they'd be so FREAKED OUT by this" kinda way. / T-Rex: But, I don't! / Utahraptor: Don't what? / T-Rex: Don't sleep with someone on a regular basis. Anyway, what's new with you? I'm talking about my nose that leaks blood. / Utahraptor: Not much! I bought a new patio set! / T-Rex: Sweet! / Narrator: SUDDENLY, T-REX HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY! IT IS THE AWKWARD MOMENT PROMISED IN THE TITLE CARD. / T-Rex: uh / T-Rex: Can I come over and - / T-Rex: ...bleed my nose on it? / Narrator: NICE
the heart-pounding-out-of-the-chest thing is so that it's very easy to tell when someone likes you. however, it is entirely mortifying if you are the victim. Narrator: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON STEREOTYPE COMICS / T-Rex: Oh man. The heart pounding out-of-the-chest "I'm in love" reaction shot! / T-Rex: Second ONLY to the "I'm so angry my head is now a steamwhistle, toot toot" motif. / T-Rex: If I had three wishes - and the wishes had to be about cartoon stereotypes being real, I guess - then those are the two I'd choose. The third one would be "no falling when running off cliffs unless you look down and notice you're running on air", because that, my friends, would be HANDY. / T-Rex: Free bridges for the strong-willed! / Utahraptor: I would have thought you'd choose the bullet hole / water one! / T-Rex: Which one's that? / Utahraptor: It's the one where you're shot with a machine gun, and then later you're thirsty, and then you drink water, and then the water springs out of the holes in your body. / T-Rex: Hilarious!! Plus, it offers some resistance to machine gun fire. / Utahraptor: Exactly! It's right up your alley. / God: T-REX IN HEAVEN THE BULLET HOLE WATER THING HAPPENS TO ANYONE WHO DIED FROM BEING MACHINE GUNNED IN THE CHEST / God: LISTEN / God: I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON A SOLUTION
My body temperature matches the environment's to within a small degree! T-Rex: I'm cold-blooded! Check it and see. / T-Rex: My body temperature matches the environment's to within a small degree! / Dromiceiomimus: You're cold-blooded? / T-Rex: I'm cold-blooded! / Utahraptor: No you're not, T-Rex! / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. / Utahraptor: The whole idea of the cold/warm blooded binary is discredited. It turns out there's an entire spectrum of thermal management possibilities between these two misleadingly-named endpoints! In any case, you're warm blooded. / T-Rex: Well! That settles that! / T-Rex: Now on to my next topic of conversation! When people say "I want you inside of me," isn't that weird? / T-Rex: I - I think it's weird. / T-Rex: *sigh*
To The Bitter End Narrator: JOKES FOR OFFICE WORKERS / T-rex: What's the deal with hitting "Reply all" when really you just wanted to hit "reply"? Am I right? / T-Rex: There's the modern age for you, cats and kittens! / T-Rex: Why don't they make some sort of confirmation whenever we want to reply to all so we don't end up doing it by mistake? Only that would be irritating, so maybe- well, I'm not sure what the solution is. But it sure is funny when we accidentally reply to all, in a "well, maybe it will be funny 20 years down the road" sort of way! / Utharaptor: T-Rex, this is entirely terrible! / T-Rex: Wait, wait, I'm just getting to the good part! / T-Rex: And we've all been spammed, am I right? It would be great if spammers found something else to do! / Utharaptor: Oh god / T-Rex: Maybe they could send us chocolates instead of email! Because we all hate spam! / Utharaptor: T-Rex this is - / T-Rex: Laughing in recognition is fun! We all should do it right now!
To The Bitter End Narrator: JOKES FOR OFFICE WORKERS / T-rex: What's the deal with hitting "Reply all" when really you just wanted to hit "reply"? Am I right? / T-Rex: There's the modern age for you, cats and kittens! / T-Rex: Why don't they make some sort of confirmation whenever we want to reply to all so we don't end up doing it by mistake? Only that would be irritating, so maybe- well, I'm not sure what the solution is. But it sure is funny when we accidentally reply to all, in a "well, maybe it will be funny 20 years down the road" sort of way! / Utharaptor: T-Rex, this is entirely terrible! / T-Rex: Wait, wait, I'm just getting to the good part! / T-Rex: And we've all been spammed, am I right? It would be great if spammers found something else to do! / Utharaptor: Oh god / T-Rex: Maybe they could send us chocolates instead of email! Because we all hate spam! / Utharaptor: T-Rex this is - / T-Rex: Laughing in recognition is fun! We all should do it right now!
 

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