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where are the hindus with their "there's probably many gods. now stop worrying and enjoy your lives." buses? WHERE??	T-Rex: Hey God, I'm gonna make an amazing new slogan for religion, okay? Please respond like you think this is a bad idea if you'd actually like me to do this. / God: WHAT / T-Rex: Then it's settled! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Okay Dromiceiomimus, which do you like better? "Assuming God exists, he might want that acknowledged on a weekly basis!", or "Religion! Well, It's Been Around For A While"? / Dromiceiomimus: I like them both! / T-Rex: Amazing! I feel the same way!! / Utahraptor: These slogans are extremely - equivocal? / T-Rex: The word you're looking for is "defensible"! / T-Rex: Nobody can argue them. Utahraptor, I've invented nothing less than arguments for religion that can never be disputed by atheists! / Utahraptor: But you're not saying anything beyond "Given certain assumptions, religion sounds okay"! / T-Rex: THAT, my friend, is an excellent slogan. / Narrator: THAT EVENING: / T-Rex: So! What do you think of my final slogan? / God: YOU REFER TO "THERE ARE LIKE A BILLION DIFFERENT RELIGIONS, SO, YOU KNOW, KEEP THAT IN MIND I GUESS" / T-Rex: I know!! It is almost TOO amazing! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1481
whirring blender!">guest week 2009: carly monardo of whirring blender!	Narrator: Hey, guys! It's time for the incorrigible adventures of... / Narrator: Baby T-REX!! / Baby T-Rex: gleeba / [Baby T-Rex hopping, animated] / <> / Utahraptor Egg: gurb. / Baby T-Rex: me mo poop-poop blar woo mugga-mugga / Baby T-Rex: cho. / Narrator: NEXT WEEK: "BEETS" http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1482
daisy owl!">guest week 2009: ben driscoll of daisy owl!	T-Rex: I have always suspected that doctors have secret "black arts" versions of certain medical procedures. / T-Rex: I HAVE ALWAYS SUSPECTED THIS! / Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean? / T-Rex: Like maybe they have a special version of the Heimlich maneuver that can make you poop! / Utahraptor: If you squeeze anything hard enough, poop will come out. That's not a secret. / T-Rex: I know a certain Utahraptor that could use a hug! / Utahraptor: I'll pass. / T-Rex: Just an innocent bro grab COME ON BUDDY http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1483
saturday morning breakfast cereal!">guest week 2009: zach weiner of saturday morning breakfast cereal!	Narrator: 2093... / Narrator: The end is near for Ryan North, and he knows it. / Narrator: In his final days, fear has crept into his heart. / Narrator: He's spent a lifetime protecting his intellectual property. / Computer Screen: Dear Mr. North-- After you die, we're giving Dinosaur Comics to the marmaduke guy. Sincerely, The Man. / Narrator: But all for naught! / Narrator: There is only one option: / Ryan North: Assemble all my work and bring it to the ocean. / Watch Communicator: Yes sir! / Ryan North: Where will I be? The Place where I was born. / Narrator: "Space." / Narrator: Meanwhile... / Hooded Fellow: (Gibberish) / Narrator: * "That's the last of it." / Narrator: From his lunar base... / Narrator: North inspects the carnage. / Narrator: Satisfied, North hurtles headlong toward destiny. / Ryan North: Until Ragnarok! / Narrator: Back on Earth / Man: Honey! Asteroids just collided with Earth! We... may be in for a hundred years of darkness. / Woman: You don't know how right you are. / Computer screen: www.qwantz.com 404 File Not Found http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1484
moe!">guest week 2009: michael firman of moe!	T-Rex: Today I glanced at an idiot driver as I passed him to confirm my suspicion. He was elderly. / T-Rex: Figures! / T-Rex: Old people are the worst drivers. / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex I've heard you say that about every possible demographic - whether it's age, gender, or race. / T-Rex: They all suck! / Utahraptor: But you said you were confirming an initial suspicion. / T-Rex: Yeah. That he sucked. / Utahraptor: So really you're suspecting bad drivers of being not you. / T-Rex: And it is always true. / T-Rex: The same suspicion also applies to ugly people! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1485

ms paint adventures!">guest week 2009: andrew hussie of ms paint adventures!	Panel 1.1 / T-Rex: Let's play a type of "Choose Your Own Adventure" where the path of the story is dictated by how fast you read. Ready... set... go! On to the next panel!!! / Panel 1.2 / T-Rex: Ok, if you're reading this path, it means you were spacing out for a long time and didn't start reading until now. Or you were camping out here for a while. In which case, congrats! Secret story path!!! / Panel 2.1 / T-Rex: Wow, you got here fast! You either skipped ahead, or camped a while. I admire your patience... or lack thereof. / Panel 2.2 / T-Rex: But not too fast. It's not a race or anything. Just read at your own pace. / Panel 2.3 / T-Rex: You sure took your sweet time getting here! That's ok, we'll take the leisurely route. Suits me just fine. / Panel 2.4 / T-Rex: YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN BY AN UNRULY PACK OF BABOONS. YOU WIN! / Panel 3.1 / Dromiceiomimus: Does anything of substance happen in this story? Or do we just humor the reader as he or she fumbles through the novelty of this storytelling device? / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus. What is an adventure but a fumbling through novelty? And through such rites of passage, are there not guides along the way to "humor" the initiate? / Panel 3.2 / Dromiceiomimus: So by "Choose Your Own", you mean have the narrative thrust at you haphazardly in accordance with your natural reading pace? / T-Rex: YES! / Dromiceiomimus: So no choice at all then, unless you want to awkwardly modify your reading habits. / T-Rex: But aren't all our "choices" bound by our personal limitations anyway? / Dromiceiomimus: Looks like you win that argument! / Panel 3.3 / Dromiceiomimus: When I start reading a panel and it changes suddenly, I feel like I am being punished for not reading fast enough. / T-Rex: Punished? No. REWARDED. With a tantalizing glimpse of a story path you are not yet meant to behold! / Panel 3.4 / Dromiceiomimus: Seriously, would anyone take this long to get to this panel? / T-Rex: These are fertile camping grounds my friend. / Panel 4.1 / Utahraptor: I SEE PROBLEMS WITH THIS! / Panel 4.2 / Utahraptor: Hold the phone!!! / Panel 4.3 / Utahraptor: I think my head is starting to hurt! / Panel 4.4 / Utahraptor: Man, I don't know about this! / Panel 4.5: / Utahraptor: This is the crazy version of this panel where we have no disagreement and there are no problems. / Utahraptor: Tra-la-la. / Panel 5.1: / T-Rex: I fail to grasp the objection you may or may not have voiced in the previous panel. / Utahraptor: OH WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. / T-Rex: Well, I suppose we could just leave it at that in this story path. / Utahraptor: YOU GOT IT. / Panel 5.2 / T-Rex: What's all this now?? / Utahraptor: For starters, have you noticed sometimes while you're in the middle of reading a sentence, the panel suddenly changes? / T-Rex: Why yes. What of it? / Utahraptor: IT'S AWFUL. / T-Rex: IT'S ADVENTUROUS. / Panel 5.3 / T-Rex: Um, say what??????? / Utahraptor: Ok, let me explain. Unlike a typical CYOA with pages that set up different story branches with some detail, these shifting panels have us fly by the seat of our pants! Each one has to be generic to fit whatever preceded it. / T-Rex: So?? / Panel 5.4 / T-Rex: WH-WH-WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAahem. As I was about to say before that panel shift. Utahraptor, so what if the panels fit a generic mold to suit any preceding event? Other CYOAs work that way too. You either get killed by a shark... or maybe a lion!!! / Utahraptor: YOU CAN'T DO THAT. / Panel 5.5 / T-Rex: Do what? / Utahraptor: YOU CAN'T DO WHAT WE'RE DOING NOW. That is, continue a conversation from the same panel after it just switched. That panel was a separate story path! It's like two people in different dimensions talking to each other!!! / T-Rex: WHOA, AWESOME / Panel 5.6 / Utahraptor: NO, NOT AWESOME. / T-Rex: I don't see what the big deal is. We're having a nice chat. / Utahraptor: But people just entering this panel have no idea what we're talking about. / T-Rex: Those rae some slow readers. Anyway, they can find out, by camping! / Panel 5.7 / Utahraptor: But that is not in the spirit of this storytelling model! Man, look, this whole thing is unhinged now. You totally broke the CYOA format you invented. Happy? / T-Rex: I didn't invent it! I am merely the excitable spokesman for the concept presently. / Panel 6.1 / T-Rex: Thanks for reading! If all went well, you will have spent way too long looking at this image, and are now feeling a little dizzy! / T-Rex: Together, we made this adventure an extraordinary success!!! / Panel 6.2 / T-Rex: Thanks for reading! If all went well, you will have spent way too long looking at this image, and are now feeling a little dizzy! / T-Rex: Together, we made this adventure an extraordinary failure!!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1486
t-rex is saying he's better than ever because when he was down south he got a rejuvenating mineral bath and is determined to believe that it was worth it, did you know that all this backstory and more goes into every comic only to be ruthlessly cut	T-Rex: Hey everybody! I'm back! / T-Rex: And better than ever! / Dromiceiomimus: Oh hey, T-Rex! Where are you back from? / T-Rex: What? My vacation! / Dromiceiomimus: Huh? / T-Rex: I went on a trip? Down south? For a week? / Dromiceiomimus: What? / T-Rex: I tripped down south for a week and you didn't even notice?! / Utahraptor: Man, you weren't really gone for a full week! / T-Rex: YES, I WAS. / T-Rex: You know, I'd always hoped that I wouldn't end up as one of those guys who dies in front of his TV and nobody notices fora decade. THIS IS WHY I HAVE FRIENDS. But you guys wouldn't even notice! They'd fi nd my skeleteon 10 years later and you'd be all "OH YEAH! Wow! Remember him?" / Narrator: LATER: THE TATTOO PARLOUR / T-Rex: Okay, can you guys tattoo my sternum with "Hello! If you can read this, then my friends are jerks!"? / Tattoo Artist: Sir, we only tattoo skin, not bones. / T-Rex: Dudes! / T-Rex: Just press the needle harder!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1489
this works for a bunch of other sayings too! "if the shoe fits, die in front of your tv set", "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to die in front of their tv sets", "elvis has left the building, so we should all just die in front of our tv	T-Rex: You know what? FINE. I'll be the guy they find dead in front of his TV ten years later. It actually sounds kinda awesome, and as the saying goes, "If you can't beat 'em, then you might as well die alone in front of a television set"! / T-Rex: Pretty sure that's how the saying goes! / Dromiceiomimus: How are you going to pull this off, T-Rex? / T-Rex: It's surprisingly easy! Automatic payments for rent and utilities, a timer to turn the lights and TV on and off each day, and a robot vacuum that'll push any new mail away from my mail slot so it won't pile up! And my neighbours won't miss me, because I'll tell them this is but one of the MANY homes I keep. / Utahraptor: Okay, but what about emails and other online communication? / T-Rex: No problem! / T-Rex: I'll be OLD, Utahraptor. The Eliza bot I'll hook up to my email should be at least as lucid as I'll be by then! People will get her responses and say "Huh! T-Rex sure has gotten good at responding to certain key phrases in my emails!" / Utahraptor: I already say that. / T-Rex: Super! / Narrator: LATER: TESTING OUT THE ELIZA BOT! / T-Rex: Alright! "T-Rex, how are you? From Utahraptor." / Eliza Bot: "UTAHRAPTOR IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG. I AM DEFINITELY STILL ALIVE. LOL. IS YOUR MOTHER STILL WORKING AT THE LIBRARY?" / T-Rex: That, um, worked surprisingly okay! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1490
i've a degree in computational linguistics, so i speak with authority when i say "this is a bold new approach to the problem of NLP, and i have never encountered another paper which comes close to exploring this brave and exciting new vista"	T-Rex: Natural language processing researchers are all, "Oh boo hoo, computationally generating and understanding natural language is hard, we totally need more time to build Data from Star Trek, boo hoo hoo!" / T-Rex:Looks like you dropped the ball, NLP researchers!! / T-Rex- Because MY email autoresponder takes in text with all sorts of imperfect and rreguar language, disambiguates word sense, builds a semantic understanding AND generates an appropriate response in the time it would take a real person to type it out. Oh snap! Did a rank amateur, wanting only to ensure that his body wouldn't be discovered for a few years after he died, just brutally advance the state of the art? SEEMS LIKE IT BABY! / Utahraptor: So how's it work? / TiRex: Just fine, thank you! / Utahraptor: No, I mean, how'd you do it, how did you figure ut the semantics and word senses? Statistical methods? But those have problems with recall and precision, even with - are you using the web as a corpus? How are you handling the noise? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! So many questions! / T-Rex: I just wrote "Email Responder TWO THOUSAND" on a giant novelty chef's hat, taped a page from the dictionary to it, and then stuffed the whole deal into my computer's CD tray! / Utahrapter: W- What? / T-Rex: GRANT MONEY PLEASE http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1491
it is very convenient for me that "species" is its own plural	T-Rex: I've come into possession of the most advanced AI on the planet. Neato! So, um, what do I do with it? / T-Rex: If I copy it, then there'll be tons of my AIs running around, and that's a problem! / Dromiceiomimus: Why do you think that's a problem, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Hello? Skynet? Every time you get a bunch of AIs together, they INEVITABLY decide that things would be better if all physical life was dead. / T-Rex: It happens in a bunch of stories, Dromiceiomimus, I'm really not sure how you missed them / Utahraptor: Yeah, but we're not in a story, plus your AI only answers emails! / T-Rex: So?! / T-Rex: I'll tell you what's gonna happen: AIs will happily take over email, sending replies that eventually only other AIs will respond to. Released from the shackles of responding to email, we'll become decadent, fat and complacent. We'll DIE OFF, Utahraptor. / Utahraptor: I don't really see -- / T-Rex: As the sun sets on our species, the AIs will finally rest, all the emails answered. And you know what the last email -- the epitaph for us all -- will read? / Utahraptor: What? / T-Rex: Okay I have no idea but the circumstances surrounding it are obviously terrible!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1492

i was stuck on this comic for a while until i asked myself "wait! how DO you defeat a superintelligent ai?" and THEN i remembered how!	T-Rex: I have come up with a totally original way to prevent my superintelligent email AI from trying to take over the world! And it's way more reliable than just programming in restrictions against that. / T-Rex: Tic Tac Toe! / T-Rex: I'll simply make my AI play billions and billions of games of Tic Tac Toe, and in doing so it will realize the fundamental futility of war! / Dromiceiomimus: Assuming that both players play the game optimally! And assuming that in the war, one player moves first. / T-Rex: Yes. / Utahraptor: And ALSO assuming in war, both players have units of equal strength! / T-Rex: Yes, also that. / Utahraptor: In fact, assuming that all units are exactly equal and any differences between them are purely cosmetic! / T-Rex: Yes, OBVIOUSLY. And my AI will play these games and eventually see that war is futile! The only winning move, it will realize, is to just answer my friggin' email. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: How's the Tic Tac Toe coming along, Superintelligent AI? / AI: HEY T-REX, I WAS PROGRAMMED TO ANSWER E-MAIL SO, UM / AI: NOT WELL http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1493
Folks I Will Never Be Friends With, also known as Folks Who Will Never Get To Be Friends With Me, And I Like This Title Better, Because It Suggest My Friendship Is A Much-Valued Prize	T-Rex: Folk I Will Never Be Friends With: a list by me, T-Rex! / T-Rex: One! Folks who snap up expired domain names and fill them with porn! / T-Rex: It's terrible! You guys, you're like the kid in school who - who snaps up an empty desk and the fills it with - um, porn. Analogously, I mean. The point is YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSING ANYONE. Fill expired domain names with adorable pictures of puppies and then maybe we'll talk. / T-Rex: In fact, yes, we will talk! I'll be the one saying "oh my gosh oh my gosh SO CUTE"! / Utahraptor: Two! Folks who dismiss thousands of people out-of-hand based on one quality. / T-Rex: Three! / T-Rex: Folks who refuse to accept that one quality can easily be a dealbreaker! / Utahraptor: Four! Folks who say ostracization's better than reconciliation or rehabilitation. / T-Rex: Five! Folks who say that's a good point but it's not my role to make everyone conform to my world-view. / Utahraptor: Six! Folks who say that's ALSO a good point and furthermore, that there's certainly nothing wrong with personal tastes! / T-Rex: Hooray! Friends again! / T-Rex: Alright, so listen, my list got a bit crazy at the end there. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1494
every time someone bikes by me and shouts out a compliment i'm all, "friends for life!"	T-Rex: Folks I Will ALWAYS Be Friends With: a list by me, T-Rex! / T-Rex: One! Folks who use internal pluralization! / T-Rex: It is just SO CLASSY when someone says "passers by" and eschews the much more pedestrian and terrible "passer bys". Shouts out to that! / T-Rex: Two! Folks who yell compliments at me as they bike by! / Passing bicyclist: Hey I like your styyyyyyyle / Utahraptor: Holy crap! That was amazing!! / Utahraptor: The odds that someone would do that just as you were mentioning it are so small! Did you set it up?! / T-Rex: No, man, it was totally spontaneous! And totally crazy, too! Hah, I should have said "Folks who give me bars of solid gold" instead, right? / Utahraptor: Hah! / Narrator: ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: / T-Rex: Folks who give me bars of solid gold! / Passing bicyclist: Hey T-Rex you got greeeeeeedy / T-Rex: Okay!! / T-Rex: I'm almost positive I lack the context to fully understand that! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1495
utahraptor you can definitely make it win a few pulitzers, okay?	T-Rex: If you're going to write a book, you need an opening line! And what possible opening line could be better than "Hey there readers - what's the score, I guess I'm gonna write this book some more! / T-Rex: BEST OPENING EVER. / Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure it's the best! Much more famous openings include "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." and "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I didn't say "famous"! I said BEST. My opening line is way better than those despite its (relative) obscurity! / Utahraptor: There are still way better opening lines that are relatively unknown! / T-Rex: Nope! / Utahraptor: I give you the first line of Max Shulman's "Sleep Till Noon": "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Four shots ripped into my groin and I was off on the greatest adventure of my life! / T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome. Okay, THAT one's tied for first. With me. / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Utahraptor, can you help me write a whole story based around one fantastic opening line? / Utahraptor: Depends; what's the line? / T-Rex: "Hippity hoppity hippity hop: this story is about one SASSY-ASS mop"? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1496
seriously who do you talk to about becoming a spy, i mean the romanticized kind that gets to meet a lot of pretty ladies in the course of business, in any case my email address is public, i look forward to hearing from you in the fullness of time	T-Rex: Attention everyone! I am extremely interested in being a spy! Furthermore, I believe I would be an excellent spy! / T-Rex: So, um... who do I talk to about becoming a spy? / I am interested in pretending to be someone else; I am interested in parachuting into enemy territory; I am interested in blending in and befriending the locals, gaining their trust, and then clandestinely reporting on what I've learnt. I am extremely interested in decoding a secret message and reading "T-Rex, you're a great spy. Good job." / Utahraptor: I could give you some tips if you want! / T-Rex: Really? Sweet! / T-Rex: Wait a minute - how do you know about spying? / Utahraptor: Easy: I'm a spy, T-Rex! The government sent me to spy on you like a decade ago. / T-Rex: LIES / T-Rex: OR IF THEY'RE TRUTHS THEN AT LEAST TELL ME IF OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS REAL / Utahraptor: Of course! / T-Rex: OKAY / T-Rex: RAD http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1497

not too late to go back and change things	T-Rex: Oh my goodness I just woke up and I am hungry! / T-Rex: It's time for some friggin' breakfast!! / God: T-REX YOU SURE DO SAY "FRIG" A LOT / T-Rex: I sure friggin'do! / God: OKAY BUT ISN'T IT JUST STANDING IN FOR ANOTHER WORD / T-Rex: Like what? "Tasty-times"? "It's time for some tasty-times breakfast"? / T-Rex: Um, that's barely even grammatical, God! / God: NO IT'S JUST THAT NORMALLY PEOPLE SAY "FRIG" TO BE POLITE / T-Rex: Not me! / Utahraptor: Not you what? / T-Rex: It's not me who says "frig" to be polite! I SAY IT TO BLOW SOME FRIGGIN' MINDS! / Utahraptor: Whoah! Consider my mind blown, then! / T-Rex: I FRIGGIN' DO!! / God: ANYWAY T-REX THERE'S YOUR VISION OF WHAT LIFE WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU SAID "FRIG" ONLY SLIGHTLY MORE OFTEN / T-Rex: It seems pretty much the same! / God: WELL IT'S ONLY A SMALL CHANGE FROM THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW / God: HONESTLY NOT REALLY SURE WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1498
time for me to starting saying "no doubt!" instead of "yes"	T-Rex: Folks will occasionally publish a story in which a particularly conspicuous orthographic symbol is missing. / T-Rex: I know a handful of justifications for doing this! / T-Rex: It's fun to scout out any limits in your wording (artificial or not) and, in doing so, hit upon an additional, unfamiliar form of communication! And it's a joy to find that, with this unusual linguistic format now at your disposal, talking with this constraint is just as normal to you now as talking without it was! / Dromiceiomimus: It's tricky to sound natural, though. / T-Rex: No doubt! / Utahraptor: But do you actually obtain anything by talking in such a way? / T-Rex: Obviously! / T-Rex: You NOT ONLY gain faculty with odd word inclinations, if that is actually a faculty, but you also gain all sorts of skills: talking skills, thinking quickly skills, and um... an opportunity to publish a dictionary for folks with similar fascinations? / Utahraptor: Huh. / Utahraptor: I still think that it's not half as striking as if you didn't say a particular word for a bit - say, "frig"? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! Do you truly ask that i dismiss my many plans for my tomb to proclaim "THIS MAN SAID 'FRIG' A LOT AND , YOU GUYS, IT WAS SO RAD"? / T-Rex: As I will NOT http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1499
Spacemen Cavemen	T-Rex: Who here thinks technology that existed in the past but has now been forgotten is totally awesome? / T-Rex: Everyone? Why, THAT'S JUST WHAT I EXPECTED! / T-Rex: Greek fire was a flammable liquid that burnt on water and that could only be extinguished by burying it in sand! The Byzantines used it to gain an advantage in all sorts of wars, and they kept it such a secret that eventually they forgot how to make it too. Awesome! Damascus steel was SO STRONG that people claimed its swords cut through other swords - but the technique used to make it is lost, and the raw materials used are long gone. OH WELL!! / T-Rex: And that's just the stuff we know about! / Utahraptor: It's true! / T-Rex: There's probably tons of other stuff that we've not only forgotten, but that we've also forgotten we've forgotten! Maybe in the past it was all hoverboards and space helmets and cavemen saying "Hey, let's NOT write this down okay??" / Utahraptor: You've got a lot of theories about the past, eh? / T-Rex: Yep! They can be mostly be summarized as "hoverboard cavemen in spacesuit hats" though. I've, um - / T-Rex: sigh / T-Rex: I've very few historian friends. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1500
earlier versions of this comic had her team up with that self-interested aquatic vertebrate, the selFISH, but then i thought "wait what the heck am i doing"	T-Rex: Oh my gosh! I'm ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that I've just had the best idea for a superhero ever. / T-Rex: The PaciFIST! / T-Rex: She's torn between her desire for Gandhian passive resistance and her desire to punch her way to a unilaterally imposed solution!! She's a conflicted hero for a conflicted age, you guys! / Dromiceiomimus: And the "fist" is capitalized? / T-Rex: Of course! Also, "paci" is in wimpy script letters and "fist" is in these big exploding block letters! / T-Rex: That, my friends, is called "graphic design". / Utahraptor: So what's her origin story? / T-Rex: oh, the standard: She was a super pacifist but then realized she super liked punching dudes, and so swore on her parents' grave that from now on she would DEFINITELY try to do both. / Utahraptor: I honestly don't see an audience for this. / T-Rex: Utahraptor! HELLO? IT'S A METAPHOR FOR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS?? / Narrator: LATER / T-Rex: So, um - / T-Rex: Most of my relationships have been "complicated". http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1501
THESIS: everything gets better if we all pretend we're batman. assuming we all share the exact same sense of right and wrong, i mean, obviously	T-Rex: When I drink, I tend to get sleepy, and then I tend to go to bed! Guys! / T-Rex: I'm thinking of giving up drinking! / T-Rex: Because the last time I left a party early to go have sleepytimes for about eight hours, it occurred to be: ALCOHOL is doing this! Why am I drinking it? People drink to be interesting and to lose their inhibitions, but I'm ALREADY super interesting! Plus, dudes, I'm pretty sure I've lost any inhibitions I may have had long ago!! / Utahraptor: Oh great, you're gonna be Mr. "I've Given Up Drinking And Am Therefore Superior"! / T-Rex: That's exactly my fear! / T-Rex: I need to find a non-obnoxious way to show up at a party and announce to everyone that I'm no longer drinking. / Utahraptor: Why announce it at all, you know? Just pull a Bruce Wayne and drink ginger ale like it's champagne! / T-Rex: My God, Utahraptor, that's THE PERFECT SOLUTION. It combines my two greatest interests: acting like I'm Batman AND deceiving my closest friends! / T-Rex: What society calls "personality flaws" I call "What if you pretended you were Batman too". http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1502

so yeah i'm experimenting with "totes" by having fictional characters say it for me first	T-Rex: Linguistic universals are a small handful of properties that can be universally applied to every natural language on the planet! / T-Rex: For example: every natural language includes the ideas of being "alive" and "dead"! / T-Rex: That's not really surprising, I guess, since every language EVER has been spoken by people who once were alive and are now totes dead. Similarly, every language has concepts of "male" and "female", which suggests that we, as a people, find naughty bits interesting! / Dromiceiomimus: They do define who can procreate. / T-Rex: Um, I KNOW / Utahraptor: Are there any more interesting universals? / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: No natural language uses the "blowing a raspberry fartnoise sound as a phoneme, which is just - it's just - well, it's too bad, Utahraptor. / Utahraptor: Really? / T-Rex: Yes, really? Someone's name could be FARTNOISE FARTNOISE JUNIOR, and that someone could've been ME. / T-Rex: And that brings us to today's Proof We're Not Living In The Best Of All Possible Worlds! / Scroll: "None of us are friends with Fartnoise Fartnoise Junior" http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1503
stephen hawking says a lot of things! anyway most of them i am incredibly underqualified to judge	T-Rex: Stephen Hawking says the best proof that time travel isn't possible is that we're not overrun by loads of tourists from the future! / T-Rex: Stephen Hawking says a lot of things! / T-Rex: And maybe the reason tourists aren't running around here and now is because they have, um, ALL OF TIME to choose from? If I could travel through time I wouldn't go back to yesterday, I'd go to the future! I already know what happened yesterday: I ate a bunch and then I pooped a bunch! / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex! / T-Rex: THE PAST IS UGLY, Dromiceiomimus!! / Utahraptor: You're saying the reason we don't see any time tourism is that we're - boring? / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: Scientist are all, "ooh, maybe you can only go through time in certain regions of space, or maybe you can't go back further than the invention of the time machine!" Poppycock, I say! Time travel is possible until we do something SO INTERESTING that it's inconceivable the future wouldn't want to check us out. / Utahraptor: I suppose now you're going to suggest we do something so amazing that the future will HAVE to check us out? / T-Rex: Nope! Firstly, Utahraptor, that's an INCREDIBLY tall order! / Utahraptor: ...And secondly? / T-Rex: Secondly, I, um, don't like it when my theories are proven wrong http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1504
fill in your own name	Narrator: T-REX'S RAP CAREER / T-rex: My name's T-Rex and I'm here to say / That I'm the rappingest guy in the USA! / [[second panel blank]] / T-Rex: Eh? What do you think Dromiceiomimus? Is my flow TRULY the freshest possible?? / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, the "here to say / somethingest guy in the USA" combination is older than dust, and adding "rappingest" is like pouring extra dust from an old folk's home over it. A Pangean old folk's home. / Dromiceiomimus: The dust represents EXTREME AGE, T-Rex. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Okay! My rhymes are objectively, VERIFIABLY tight now. / Utahraptor: Let's hear 'em! / T-Rex: My name is T-Rex and I'm here to speculate / on why my raps have gotten, well, pretty great! / Utahraptor: ... / Utahraptor: ...Amazingly that is even worse than before / Narrator: THE END http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1505
i've mentioned this oxygen molecule death before, but i feel the people must be informed. only just now i looked it up and SCIENCE says that it takes a few minutes to suffocate in a vacuum, so you wouldn't die instantly if you were this cosmically unluck	T-Rex: As a man concerned with how, when and if I am going to die, it behooves me to know the most likely causes of death. / T-Rex: That's right, bitches! People still says "behooves'!! / T-Rex: So, God! What are the most likely ways to die? / God: OH HECK TAKE YOUR PICK FROM CANCER AND HEART DISEASE AND STROKE AND ACCIDENTS / T-Rex:...Okay, so, hey, that list's way less hilarious than I'd thought it'd be. / Utahraptor: You were hoping for funny ways of death? / T-Rex: Yeah, I guess! Or awesome, you know? / T-Rex: I'd hoped that more people would die in an amazing "spun so fast a tornado formed around him and sucked him into the sky", or "flew into the sun", or "all the oxygen molecules in the room randomly bounced away from him so he suffocated in the resultant temporary vacuum, oh well" way - that sort of thing! / Utahraptor (off screen): But T-Rex, couldn't each of those be filed under "Natural disasters"? And I've got good news for you: THE ODDS OF DYING IN A NATURAL DISASTER ARE ONLY 1 IN 4000! / T-Rex: Oh man!! / T-Rex: SWEEEET http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1506
spell "prescriptivizm" with a 'z', okay	T-Rex: Cultural universals, like linguistic universals, are properties that are found in EVERY SINGLE CULTURE EVER! / T-Rex: For example: cultures universally have units of time! / T-Rex: And cultures universally consume food and water, which makes sense because otherwise they'd be dead. And cultures universally have beliefs about death and disease and cultures universally have concepts of both music and dance! / Dromiceiomimus: Universally? Really? / T-Rex: Yep! Scientists looked at HISTORY. / Utahraptor: Um, that's not actually universal, T-Rex! "Universal" means EVERYTHING, not just Earth! / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: But you're using it to mean "just on Earth, actually, and um, just within the history we remember". That's RACIST against people from unrecorded history, PLUS it's racist against every other form of life in the entire universe. Basically I'm saying that you are perilously close to being the MOST PREJUDICED RACIST GUY EVER IN TIME. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Dear audio diary! I- I must now record the one sentence I'd always thought I'd be able to avoid. / T-Rex: sigh / T-Rex: ...Alright. Today I somehow leveled up my racism like infinity times. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1507

t-rex your theory is pretty basic and seems entirely plausible	T-Rex: I think urban legends start because someone tells a story, and then their friends who heard it tell it again and make it MORE FANTASTIC. This makes sense. / T-Rex: Folks just want to tell increasingly awesome stories! / T-Rex: This is why I always discount stories that "happened to a friend", or "happened to a guy I know" - you can probably be pretty sure that SOMETHING happened to some dude SOMETIME, but not much beyond that! / Domiceiomimus: What urban legend did you hear? The one where a woman eats a hot dog but then it's actually a real dog? / T-Rex: No. That one's super dumb. / Utahraptor: I heard it was real!! / T-Rex: No you didn't! / T-Rex: You didn't because Dromecieomimus just made it up. There's no way you could mistake a hot dog for a real dog. One's delicious and the other's made of hot dog meat! / T-Rex: That was an extremely funny joke, Utahraptor! You should be laughing right now. EVERYONE SHOULD BE LAUGHING, RIGHT NOW. / T-Rex: EVERYONE http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1508
BOTTOM LINE: it is almost 2010 and i know everyone has mentioned this already, but a personal jetpack in 2010 would - well, it would be REALLY nice.	T-Rex: Okay, so let's say I slide down a banister! I'm awesome. Now let's say I slide down the handrail of an upwards-moving escalator. You guys! / T-Rex: I'm even more awesome!! / T-Rex: And NOW let's say the escalator is long enough and smart enough that it increases its speed so that I never reach the bottom, and as my sliding speeds up, the escalator speeds up! I can now be EXTREMELY AWESOME FOREVER! / Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure that's the case! Plus, friction would eventually make your butt catch on fire. / T-Rex: What?! / T-Rex: Can that actually happen? / Utahraptor: Everything burns, T-Rex! / T-Rex: EVEN BUMS? / Utahraptor: ESPECIALLY BUMS, when they're acting as a friction brake. I thought we covered this with your "infinite skateboard" idea? / T-Rex: I guess I'd hoped that by shifting the technology to escalators, the awesomeness might somehow - you know... / T-Rex: ... break science. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SCIENCE BREAKS IF SOMETHING'S AWESOME ENOUGH: / Off panel: Wow, personal jetpacks are so compact, efficient, safe AND easy to control!! / T-Rex: Um obviously I already know that! We live in the same universe!! / T-Rex: DUHHHHH http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1509
midway through this comic i had to do a search to see if people actually said "beach bunny". the more i thought about it the more it seemed entirely plausible i'd invented this ridiculous phrase.	T-Rex: A sassy cat! FROM SPACE. A sassy cat from space who has an eye patch with a skull and crossbones on it and who has swapped out his feet for bolted-on rocket boots! / T-Rex: A sassy cat from space who reliably sports a top hat under his fishbowl helmet! / T-Rex: A sassy cat from space who carries a crossbow PLUS has all those earlier properties too! That's my "Sassy Space Cat" character sketch, Dromiceiomimus! He's available for the role of title protagonist ONLY. / Dromiceiomimus: You're making a list of - characters? / T-Rex: Yep, a book! It's a proud tradition, long available to writers who just don't have any plots right now! / Utahraptor: Really? What other characters do you have? / T-Rex: SO MANY, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: Does "Stern Librarian (Nonsexy)" pique your interest? Perhaps you'd be interested in "Wacky Landlord (Actually Racist)", "Sage Older Man" or "Overheated, Panting Dog"? Maybe your interests rum more to "Astonished Plutocrat with Monocle", "Rapping Dickensian Orphan", or "Puking Anthropomorphized Park Slide"? / T-Rex: Perhaps instead you'd like to purchase "Self-interested Bear", "Shorn Cyclist", or "BEACH BUNNY CHURCHILL"?? / Utahraptor: Beach Bunny Churchill? / T-Rex: Winston Churchill dressed as a beach bunny. / T-Rex: I figure - supporting character in an historical drama? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1510
this also works for batman and mickey mouse, but seriously, who goes around referencing mickey mouse, nobody, that's who	T-Rex: I know a lot about Super Mario, on account of how I've played those games often for, um, most of my life? / T-Rex: Guys! There must be some way I can profit from this! / T-Rex: Like - maybe if someone has a question about Mario, they could ask me. Only the problem is, lots of other people also know about Mario too so there's nothing special about my knowledge! / Dromiceiomimus: Plus, there's probably tons of strategy guides and stuff online that would cover anything you know and then some. / T-Rex: TRUE. / T-Rex: But there still must be a way! / Utahraptor: A way for what? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, we're smart guys. We need to come up with a way for me to profit from all my Mario knowledge, while keeping in mnd that there's actually nothing unique about it. / Utahraptor: Okay. Well, Mario's a well-known character, but you have specialized knowledge about him. Why not exploit this in art you produce? / Utahraptor: You share a cultural context with other Mario fans, so there's your shibboleth to talk with them directly. At the same time, Mario is famous enough that nobody will be lost by a reference! / T-Rex: My friend! Such excellent advice is truly as rare, and as welcomed, as the 3UP moon!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1511
did you know that PROFESSION MEMBERS do it IN A WAY INDICATIVE OF SOME ASPECT OF THEIR PROFESSION	T-Rex: Three PROFESSION MEMBERS drive off a cliff. What's the tragedy? / T-Rex: The car seats four, you guys!! / Narrator: MORE PROFESSION MEMBER JOKES / T-Rex: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to PROFESSION MEMBERS? / Dromiceiomimus: It saves time! What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead PROFESSION MEMBER in the middle of the road? / T-Rex: There are skid marks in front of the skunk! Hey, what's the definition of a gentleman? / Dromiceiomimus: Someone who knows how to PRACTICE A PROFESSION, but doesn't! / Utahraptor: Wow, these jokes are kinda mean to PROFESSION MEMBERS! / T-Rex: No man, they're all in fun! / T-Rex: What's the difference between a PROFESSION MEMBER and a terrorist? / Utahraptor: I - / T-Rex: Terrorists have sympathizers!! / T-Rex: Listen, Utahraptor. Some of my best friends are PROFESSION MEMBERS. / Narrator: LATER: "PROFESSION MEMBERS" IS REPLACED WITH "MEMBERS OF AN IDENTIFIABLE SOCIAL CLASS OR GROUP OF WHICH WE ARE NOT MEMBERS" / T-Rex: gasp / T-Rex: That's racist!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1512

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