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| PLATONIC FORMS | T-Rex: Plato was a philosopher guy who said perfect dudes don't exist. Rather, all dudes are the imperfect instantiations of the perfect ideal of dudes, the essential dude, intangible essence of dudeness! / T-Rex: Plato also said things like "I'm hungry guys, frig!" but we're not remembering him for... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1603 |
| bedbug sex is just part of the beauty of Mother Someanimalsengageinterribleawfulsexyouguys | T-Rex: When a man and a woman love each other very much, they share a very special hug!
/ T-Rex: It's not always that special though, you guys! / TRAUMATIC INSEMINATION COMICS / T-Rex: Sometime in the past, male bedbugs realized that since they have an open circulatory system, if a female doesn't want... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1604 |
| openoffice doesn't have "utahraptor" OR "superduds" in its spell check dictionary. it's open source; ... | T-Rex: Today I made peace with the possibility that I might never get wrapped up in a madcap case of mistaken identity. / T-Rex: I also made peace with the possibility that I might never have kids! / T-Rex: Then I made peace with the possibility that even if I HAD kids, they could grow up to be superduds.... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1605 |
| seriously tempted to put out a whole line of these novels: "CLASSICS OF WESTERN LITERATURE: THE ODYSSEY, ... | T-Rex: What day is it? It's December now, isn't it? / T-Rex: It's DEFINITELY time for me to fix the great works of fiction! / T-Rex: The great out-of-copyright works of fiction, anyway. My brilliant idea is to completely recontextualize them through the magic of framing stories! So for example, instead... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1606 |
| OH, ALSO, THE SENDER OF THIS CARD WANTS TO LICK YOUR TEETH CLEAN, EVEN IF THEY DENY IT, THEY TOTALLY ... | Narrator [[written as title of the comic]]: "HEY. HEY. YOU HAVE SOMETHING STUCK BETWEEN YOUR TEETH"
/ Narrator [[written as title of the comic]]: a web card / T-Rex: Hey. Hey! You have something stuck between your teeth! / T-Rex: And the sender of THIS card clearly thought the best way to tell you was... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1607 |
| anyway, i'll show myself out, professor!! | Narrator: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE
/ T-Rex: Today's letter from Professor Science comes from Alexis, who writes: / T-Rex: "Dear Professor, how much would it cost to buy the WHOLE DANG PLANET??" / T-Rex: Wow! I guess we need to know how much our planet is worth, then. I'm guessing... a kabazillion dollars?
/ Dromiceiomimus:... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1608 |
| guys i think i made myself sad for bacteria with the phrase "those tiny lives" | T-Rex: You know what? We totally can put an exact price on life, down to the nearest cent. / T-Rex: In fact, we do it all the time! / T-Rex: Every time we land somewhere on the gradient between safety and expense, we do it. If a new ambulance costs $100,000 but would likely save at least 100 lives... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1609 |
| Congratulations to my friend Amanda McCoy, who just got her PhD! That's just excellent. I'm really ... | T-Rex: So, um, I spent a few days putting a price on LIFE ITSELF, and now I've got a dollar figure for my own life! / T-Rex: Kinda depressing, you guys! / Dromiceiomimus: Well, you can bolster it some, right? Like, you could add on the price each your organs would fetch on a black market. That'd raise... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1610 |
| i am a very mature fellow whose interests include maturity and whose primary hobby is being extremely ... | T-Rex: The greatest proof that time travel isn't possible is that we're not being visited by tourists from the future. I call this Sexy T-Rex's Argument Against Time Travel! / God: STEPHEN HAWKING SAID THAT ALREADY
/ T-Rex: ...fine! FINE. / T-Rex: Stephen Hawking is a smart guy; it makes sense he'd... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1611 |
| not the ADJECTIVEST NOUNS in the VESSEL is my favourite analogy. there's so many words you can substitute ... | T-Rex: A bunch of us want to find meaning and purpose in our lives and the Universe. Unfortunately, the Universe itself is indifferent, uncaring and meaningless! / Narrator: Absurdism comics
/ Narrator: woooo / T-Rex: So! Since the Universe is TOTALLY MEANINGLESS, looking for any sort of meaning in... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1612 |
| remember when knowing different types of shorthand was something people bragged about? it only happened ... | T-Rex: Okay, so, turns out I might be dead someday. / T-Rex: We all might be dead SOMEDAY! / T-Rex: And it would be great for future generations to not have to make the same mistakes I did. So pay attention, future generations! HERE'S WHAT I'VE LEARNT: if you know a bit about a bunch of things you'll... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1613 |
| it has a certain jee nee says quey | T-Rex: If honeybabe made a mistake, I might say "Honeybabe, you made a mistake!" / T-Rex: Or maybe I'd say "Honeybabe, you blew it!" / T-Rex: Maybe I'd suggest our honeybabe in question blundered. Did she just slip up, or did she totally botch it? Maybe it was just an error? A miscalculation? An... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1614 |
| this comic started life as a "old web design elements: where are they now", but man, those horizontal ... | Narrator: WHERE ARE THEY NOW? CELEBRITIES FROM THE 80S:
/ T-Rex: Some are dead, most are still around! Some are happy, others are not so happy, but I'm sure they hope to be happy soon. / T-Rex: Best of luck, unhappy 80s celebrities!! / Narrator: THOSE HORIZONTAL BARS ON OLD WEBSITES THAT LOOK LIKE... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1615 |
| i locked myself out but my girlfriend came home, close call! the last time i locked myself out before ... | Lock: *click* / T-Rex: Aw dang!! / Narrator: SOON:
/ T-Rex: Frig Dromiceiomimus, I locked myself out! My keys AND everything else I own is trapped in a housethat, thanks to my thoughlessness, I no longer have access to!!
/ Dromiceiomimus: You can hire a locksmith to cut the locks open.
/ T-Rex: HOW CAN... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1616 |
| if the "you have to solve a crime for every dollar you receive" clauses aren't going to be enforced, ... | T-Rex: You guys! I just wrote the best will. It's the best will! / God: DOES IT HAVE NIGHTS IN A HAUNTED HOUSE
/ T-Rex: It DOES! / T-Rex: And that's just where it starts. After my would-be heirs spend the night in the haunted house, which is clearly specified in my will to be ACTUALLY HAUNTED, they... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1617 |
| oh, also it can't be something illegal. you're not allowed to rob a bank because a will told you to ... | T-Rex: Cats and kittens, chicks and dudes!! I was wrong! / T-Rex: You CAN force your heirs to punch a bear in your will! / T-Rex: If I make a CONDITIONAL bequest while of sound mind and body and possessing FULL TESTAMENTARY CAPACITY, a probate court is entirely likely to honour those clauses!
/ Dromiceiomimus:... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1618 |
| my friend eric worked at a phone survey company, and he often had to ask the elderly to tell him what ... | T-Rex: Surveys are kinda baloney, you guys! They're kinda phoney baloney to the ultimate max. / T-Rex: And I'm not one to say things like that often!! / T-Rex: Say there's a survey about applesauce: like most dudes, I don't really have APPLESAUCE OPINIONS, so I'm probably not going to answer a whole... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1619 |
| the phrase is also oddly named because it suggests the involvement, even though he didn't help, of our ... | T-Rex: Time for me to invent a new emotion! THIS is the feeling you get when you've said the wrong thing to someone by accident, and it's awkward and you've both noticed it, but it's days later now and you're still thinking about it! / T-Rex: And there's nothing you can do without making things MORE... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1620 |
| by end of week all parts of speech will be replaced with "hugga bubba", right here at qwantz.com | T-Rex: Okay, so maybe "hugga bubba" ISN'T the best adjective. / T-Rex: Maybe it is though!! / T-Rex: But just in case it isn't, I've invented a new way for it to be used! JUST LIKE THAT, BABY. Now "hugga bubba" is ALSO the new "um", the new "ah", and the new "er". Instead of saying "Um, I have no idea",... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1621 |
| A false document is when you refer to or quote books and stuff that don't exist in real life, but your ... | T-Rex: A false document is when you refer to or quote books and stuff that don't exist in real life, but your whole story pretends like they actually do. Like when Shakespeare reads the dictionary! / Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS
/ Narrator: today's technique: FALSE DOCUMENTS / Dromiceiomimus:... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1622 |
| ATTENTION ALL CIVILIZATIONS ACROSS THE UNIVERSE: HAVE A SIMULATED GOOD TIME | T-Rex: It's possible that one day, an advanced civilization (and not necessarily our own!) might be able to reasonably simulate an entire universe, or at least fake it for simulated people living inside. / T-Rex: And these simulated dudes wouldn't even know they're in a simulation! / T-Rex: And if... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1623 |
| in any case: behind the couch | T-Rex: So all my talk about the entire universe being a big simulation ignored one pretty big question, which is this: / T-Rex: Why simulate an entire universe when you can just simulate one awesome dude? / T-Rex: Let's assume that if we're simulating universes, we're doing it for a reason. Sure,... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1624 |
| in any case: behind the couch | T-Rex: So all my talk about the entire universe being a big simulation ignored one pretty big question, which is this: / T-Rex: Why simulate an entire universe when you can just simulate one awesome dude? / T-Rex: Let's assume that if we're simulating universes, we're doing it for a reason. Sure,... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1624 |
| in any case: behind the couch | T-Rex: So all my talk about the entire universe being a big simulation ignored one pretty big question, which is this: / T-Rex: Why simulate an entire universe when you can just simulate one awesome dude? / T-Rex: Let's assume that if we're simulating universes, we're doing it for a reason. Sure,... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1624 |
| in any case: behind the couch | T-Rex: So all my talk about the entire universe being a big simulation ignored one pretty big question, which is this: / T-Rex: Why simulate an entire universe when you can just simulate one awesome dude? / T-Rex: Let's assume that if we're simulating universes, we're doing it for a reason. Sure,... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1624 |
| again, i should stress, adam and eve are dinosaurs here in t-rex's story. i think it's fair to assume ... | T-Rex: In the Garden of Eden story, Adam and Eve eat an apple from the tree of knowledge and then they're kicked out of paradise and THE AMAZING ADVENTURE OF NOT LIVING IN A GARDEN BEGINS. / T-Rex: Not in my version, peeps! / T-Rex: In MY version, this isn't an allegory or anything. Instead, it's an... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1625 |
| I got a postcard from a reader in antarctica a few years back, it remains a treasured possession and ... | T-Rex: If I can't be a bog person, I can be the next best thing!
/ God: ALIVE
/ T-Rex: Better! / T-Rex: A person frozen solid at the north pole! / T-Rex: Or the south pole, I'm not picky. But I want to be perfectly preserved in some cavern somewhere, so that when future generations stumble upon me, they'll... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1626 |
| to compare, we humans have only done like 1/1250th of a galactic orbit since we first evolved: dinosaurs ... | T-Rex: The earth's orbiting around the sun, but our sun is orbiting around the center of the friggin' galaxy! / T-Rex: At a speed of over eight hundred thousand kilometers an hour, no less! / T-Rex: But the galaxy is so big that each orbit takes 250 million years. So every second that passes, we're... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1627 |
| i don't know what t-rex is talking about here. when *i* walk into a bar everyone turns towards me, each ... | T-Rex: Wait a second. Wait a second! / T-Rex: I've never bought a drink for a stranger in a bar! / T-Rex: Holy crap! How did I get THIS FAR in my life without doing that? How did I spend SO MUCH TIME ALIVE without ever sending a drink over, and when the bartender points me out to the recipient, smiling... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1628 |
| that dash in | T-Rex: Utahraptor and I enter a bar, him dressed mostly in black, and me dressed mostly in white. We sit at opposite ends of the bar. / T-Rex: I order a drink for the angriest-looking lady in the room! / T-Rex: Utahraptor orders one for her too, only his drink is slightly fancier than mine. And we... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1629 |
| that dash in | T-Rex: Utahraptor and I enter a bar, him dressed mostly in black, and me dressed mostly in white. We sit at opposite ends of the bar. / T-Rex: I order a drink for the angriest-looking lady in the room! / T-Rex: Utahraptor orders one for her too, only his drink is slightly fancier than mine. And we... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1629 |
| a DELETED SCENE had T-Rex going to Tiny Towne Island to help name Mr. Tusks' hypothetical son, one Tiny ... | T-Rex: I don't have a son, but if I did, I'd have no idea what to name him. / T-Rex: But I've got great names for everyone else's hypothetical sons! / T-Rex: For example, Dromiceiomimus, if YOU had a son, a great name for him would be DromiceioHEmus. Eh? ...Since he's a man, I thought we should emphasize... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1630 |
| a DELETED SCENE had T-Rex going to Tiny Towne Island to help name Mr. Tusks' hypothetical son, one Tiny ... | T-Rex: I don't have a son, but if I did, I'd have no idea what to name him. / T-Rex: But I've got great names for everyone else's hypothetical sons! / T-Rex: For example, Dromiceiomimus, if YOU had a son, a great name for him would be DromiceioHEmus. Eh? ...Since he's a man, I thought we should emphasize... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1630 |
| this is the second time i've done the ol' "top three panels are thoughts from the bottom three panels" ... | ((Thought Bubble Scene 1))
/ T-Rex: "Why hello there, Utahraptor, great to see you! I meant to mention: I borrowed your shovel. I meant to mention it before but you weren't around and I was certain you wouldn't mind! I just completely forgot to return it." / ((Thought Bubble Scene 2))
/ T-Rex: "I'm really... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1632 |
| INFORMATION; THIS IS A COMIC ABOUT SEASPEAK; OUT. | T-Rex: Who here wants to learn a new language by breakfast? Any takers? ...No? / T-Rex: What if I told you it was the LANGUAGE OF THE SEA?? / Dromiceiomimus: Ah yes, seaspeak, otherwise known as the Standard Marine Communication Phrases! A set of simple English words and phrases, designed to facilitate... http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1633 |
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