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is that me being bored at a table with flowers on it, yep, yep, yuss T-Rex: Which dude spent their weekend painting themselves into all the famous works of art? / T-Rex: Oh snap!! / T-Rex: I'm pretty sure it was this dude!! / T-Rex: Is that ME sitting at the last supper? I believe it is! Is that me poking my head in front of the Mona Lisa, obscuring her face entirely? COULD THAT HANDSOME VISAGE BELONG TO ANYONE ELSE? / Dromiceiomimus: You painted yourse - / T-Rex: Is that ME playing poker with dogs? Yes! Is that me riding the backseat of a rearing horse with Napoleon? IT MOST DEFINITELY IS SUPPOSED TO BE. / Utahraptor: Let me guess: you did this to teach yourself painting? / T-Rex: Yep! Partially! / T-Rex: The other reason is that I know this guy with a fallout shelter, so I'm giving him the paintings. That way, in the case of NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE, future remnants of civilization may have only my paintings to go off of. / Utahraptor: ... And eventually they'll think you're this really great, important guy! / T-Rex: Precisely!! I figure, sheesh, SOMETHING good has to come out of the nuclear apocalypse, you know? / T-Rex: For me, I mean
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1724
if she's vegetarian, she's got a bunch of veggie burgers on the side, and she makes it WORK T-Rex: "My ultimate woman", by me, T-Rex. / T-Rex: *ahem* / T-Rex: My ultimate woman is pretty much super awesome, OKAY?? / T-Rex: She loves me and she's super smart at lots of things, but I'm still smarter at a few things, like knowing how to skateboard best, and we get along really well. Oh! And she's a flapper. AND an aviatrix! / Dromiceiomimus: A flapper aviatrix, huh. / T-Rex: Yep! And she's got those retro goggles and cap and EVERYTHING. / Utahraptor: And a plane with shark teeth painted on the front! / T-Rex: Oh my god. YES. / T-Rex: And you know how they'd paint an enemy kill count tally on the side? Well she's got a bunch of cow silhouettes instead, and she's leaning against the wing eating a burger as big as her head. / Utahraptor: ... / T-Rex: ...Holy crap. I - / T-Rex: I think I just ruined myself for every other woman. / T-Rex: No regrets, Utahraptor!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1725
can you imagine a more boring name for software than "windows for workgroups"? i'd sooner use "windows for times of lonely sorrow, 3.11" T-Rex: Fifteen dollars, a plastic dancing flower, a copy of Windows for Workgroups that I found in an alleyway. / T-Rex: All these are things I've loaned out and which have not been returned! / T-Rex: And I'm CALLING IN THE DEBTS, Dromiceiomimus! I'd like my Windows for Workgroups back please. / Dromiceiomimus: I never borrowed that from you. / T-Rex: THEN WHO DID?? / Utharaptor: Um, you're not allowed to lend out that software like that, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Who's going to stop me?? / Utahraptor: Well, probably no-one, but by loudly demanding your software back, you're also loudly admitting to COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. / T-Rex: Man, you know what? It's WINDOWS for WORKGROUPS. The last person to actually use this software died in like 1855. / Utahraptor: Computers didn't exist back - / T-Rex: HE WENT BACK IN TIME. / T-Rex: To tell everyone how he borrowed it from me and how now I'm never going to get it back and how he's SUCH A DICK
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1726
ultimate baby ultimately prefers ungendered pronouns T-Rex: "My ultimate baby", by me, T-Rex. / T-Rex: *ahem* / T-Rex: My ultimate baby is kinda okay, I guess!! / T-Rex: It's not too fussy and it's toilet trained super early. Oh! ALSO, it's one of those super genius babies that learns how to speak in a few months and has a fully developed personality. / Dromiceiomimus: Those don't exist; T-Rex, those are movies. / T-Rex: Oh. I'm sorry! Are you suggesting I shouldn't even dream as big as the producer of a TALKING BABY MOVIE?? / Utahraptor: Okay, so you've got a talking baby. / T-Rex: Yes! And it's sassy! / T-Rex: And it's solving all my problems. It's sitting me down at night saying, "Look, T-Rex, here's what you're doing wrong." and when I'm just at the point of hopelessness, it says "No problem, T-Rex. Here's how you fix everything." I - I love my ultimate baby. / Utahraptor: Too bad it doesn't exist, huh? / T-Rex: What - / T-Rex: What is there to say but "yes"?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1727
IF SO, is it creepy to then take it home? T-Rex: Is it creepy to try to touch a glass that you saw a celebrity has drinken from? / T-Rex: IF SO, is it creepy to then take it home? / T-Rex: AND BEFORE YOU ANSWER, is it creepy to declare that this is your new favourite glass, and that only you and the celebrity are allowed to drink from it? / Dromiceiomimus: Well - / T-Rex: AND BEFORE YOU ANSWER THAT, is it creepy if I cup my hands around your ear and whisper that maybe you can drink from it on an OCCASIONAL basis?? / Utahraptor: I'm gonna say ... yes? / T-Rex: Okay! / T-Rex: Well, then I guess I'm creepy, because I totally did those things. I stole a glass because someone I'd seen on TV touched it. I didn't know I was that sort of creeper, Utahraptor, but here we are. / Utahraptor: Who's the celebrity? / T-Rex: DOES IT MATTER? I found out I'm a creepy stalker!! / T-Rex: Who knows what I'll find out about myself next? Maybe I'm the kind of guy who keeps hair in a box!! / Utahraptor/anonymous: ...What? / T-Rex: I don't know! / T-Rex: GOTTA KEEP SOMETHING IN IT / Mouseover: now! which one of us produces hair?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1728
 
anyway, the feeling t-rex was feeling was "shame (cheeseburger related)" T-Rex: I think I have a problem, guys. / T-Rex: I think I have some feelings! / T-Rex: Yep, I definitely think I got some feelings on me. And as a man who inures himself to all but the most entertaining of emotions, I am neither inclined nor equipped to deal with these feelings! / Dromiceiomimus: What feelings? / T-Rex: I don't want to talk about them, Dromiceiomimus! On account of how they're SUPER BORING?? / Utahraptor: Haha, you've got a case of the feelings! / T-Rex: I know! / T-Rex: But I'm looking for help, not for teasing. / Utahraptor: Well, without knowing what these feelings are, um - I suppose you could figure out their root cause, and then deal with that issue? / T-Rex: FINE, but if this doesn't solve the feelings then I'm gonna be SUPER CHEEZED!! / T-Rex: ...Wait. Feeling cheezed is a feeling! And that feeling will automatically drown out any leftover original feelings! / T-Rex: T-REX WINS AGAIN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1729
there's a lot of guessing in this comic, are you aware?? The Devil: GREETINGS T-REX IT'S THE DEVIL GUESS WHERE I WENT DOWN TO LAST WEEK / T-Rex: Man! Georgia? / The Devil: WHAT / The Devil: CORRECT / (10AM) / Narrator: T-REX'S BUSY DAY / God: HEY T-REX GUESS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT / T-Rex: Um - you caught up on your reading, focusing mainly on periodicals? / God: T-REX DID YOU FORGET THAT I AM GOD AND THAT READING OLD MAGAZINES IS SOMETHING ONLY NON-GODS DO / God: BECAUSE IF SO THERE WILL BE VERY FEW RAISED EYEBROWS WHEN I ANSWER YES TO YOUR QUESTION / (1:30 PM) / T-Rex: Guess what I just ate, Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: Um - / T-Rex: ALL THE CHEERIOS / (3 PM) / T-Rex: So in conclusion that's TOTALLY how I ate all the cheerios! / Utahraptor: Wow, I can really see why you'd want to talk about this for over an hour! / T-Rex: Was that sarcastic? Sorry, I couldn't quite hear you over ALL THE CHEERIOS I JUST ATE, UTAHRAPTOR. / (4:05 PM) / (9:30 PM) / T-Rex: Utahraptor, hi! It's me, T-Rex! On speakerphone! / T-Rex: Listen, my tummy hurts
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1730
songs listened to while writing this comic: martha (tom waits), if rap gets jealous (k'naan), around the corner (sarah harmer). all pretty much entirely unrelated, but Here We Are T-Rex: Let's suppose we all have cows! Ladies and gentlemen: this is totally awesome. / T-Rex: Now we all have cows! / T-Rex: But let's also say we all share a field for them to graze in. The problem is that any field can only support so many cows -- any more and those ladies will gobble the grass faster than it can regrow! / Dromiceiomimus: So it's in our shared interest not to overcow the field. / T-Rex: NO OVERCOWING. Yes! / Utahraptor: But if I add just ONE extra cow, it's not going to be the end of the world. / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: But the tragedy is we might ALL rationally conclude "one more cow won't hurt", which destroys the field! Worse, we can foresee this situation, and realize our only option left is to get all our cows in the field as quickly as possible, BEFORE it's gone. / Utahraptor: That's pretty terrible. / T-Rex: To conclude: this is why I got the heck out of authority-free shared land cow ownership! / T-Rex: S-T-R-E-S-S.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1731
panel three is a sad one for me, because i really thought there were enough nanoseconds in my life to fill up a glass of water. OH WELL T-Rex: Let's say the average person can expect to live for 81 years. That's a little over 2.5 billion seconds. / T-Rex: Honestly, I - I kinda thought it'd be more. / T-Rex: 2.5 billion is really not that much! / T-Rex: I thought I'd compare the seconds in a life to the molecules in a glass of water, but even a gram of water has over ten sextillion molecules in it! Even if I measure my life in nanoseconds I'm still not on a par with a gram of boring ol' WATER. / Dromiceiomimus: Molecules are super tiny, T-Rex! You should measure yourself in bigger units. / T-Rex: Like ... cubic millimeters? / Utahraptor: That'd give you 2500 litres. That's a lot! / T-Rex: Dude, that's just a a GIANT BATHTUB. / T-Rex: I want to visualize my lifespan as something impressive! / Utahraptor: Okay: 2.5 billion kilometers is enough to make a one-way trip to Saturn and get most of the way back before dying, OR to travel part of the way to Uranus, but again, dying well before you arrive. / LATER: / T-Rex: Dear audio diary! Today I learned why we measure lifetimes in years and not in "failed trips to Uranus where only corpses show up at the end". / T-Rex: It's, um - for the reasons you'd expect, basically.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1732
in personal news, judging by the yelps, the downstairs neighbours have either gotten a small dog or gone insane T-Rex: When you borrow money from someone, they usually charge you interest. I just figured out why! / T-Rex: It's RENT MONEY. / T-Rex: The lender is renting out money, just the same as if they'd rented out a helicopter! And just like the familiar helicopter rental, I've got to pay money to rent it - usually proportional to the value of the thing borrowed and for how long I've got it. / T-Rex: Also, eventually I've PROBABLY got to return the helicopter. / Utahraptor: That's what interest is, T-Rex! It's rent. / T-Rex: I always thought it was something special! / T-Rex: But the only difference between interest and rent is the interest is paid in the same medium as the thing borrowed, which, in a single word, is KINDACRAZY. It's like renting a helicopter and then paying rent in tiny pieces of helicopter! / Utahraptor: You're big into helicopter analogies, huh? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, how long have we been friends?! / T-Rex: Your question insults us both
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1733
in personal news, judging by the yelps, the downstairs neighbours have either gotten a small dog or gone insane T-Rex: When you borrow money from someone, they usually charge you interest. I just figured out why! / T-Rex: It's RENT MONEY. / T-Rex: The lender is renting out money, just the same as if they'd rented out a helicopter! And just like the familiar helicopter rental, I've got to pay money to rent it - usually proportional to the value of the thing borrowed and for how long I've got it. / T-Rex: Also, eventually I've PROBABLY got to return the helicopter. / Utahraptor: That's what interest is, T-Rex! It's rent. / T-Rex: I always thought it was something special! / T-Rex: But the only difference between interest and rent is the interest is paid in the same medium as the thing borrowed, which, in a single word, is KINDACRAZY. It's like renting a helicopter and then paying rent in tiny pieces of helicopter! / Utahraptor: You're big into helicopter analogies, huh? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, how long have we been friends?! / T-Rex: Your question insults us both
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1733
 
the walk of acclaim THE WALK OF SHAME / T-Rex: The Walk of Shame is when you're coming home in the same clothes you partied in last night. You spent the night somewhere else, maybe you had sexy times, and therefore you're to be ashamed! / T-Rex: That, my friends, is BALONEY SANDWICHES! / T-Rex: They should call it the "Walk of Oh Look, My Night Didn't End At Ten Thirty" or maybe the "Walk of I Am In Full Possession Of My Sexual Identity" or maybe even the "Walk of Stop Assuming I Had Sex, Maybe We Talked And Then Had Ice Cream; Ice Cream Is Awesome Too and Don't Lie, You Want Some Right Now." / T-Rex: Speaking of which! Dromiceiomimus, would you like to go get some ice cream? / LATER: / Utahraptor: That was extremely delicious ice cream! / T-Rex: Yeah, I'm glad you could join us! / T-Rex: What was I talking about...? Oh yeah, the "walk of shame" - it's a stupid term and they should call it the "Walk of I'm Still Hungry for Ice Cream; Let's Go Get More Ice Cream." / Utahraptor: ... Okay / MUCH LATER: / T-Rex: Attention, everybody!! / T-Rex: I, um, find it difficult to have opinions around ice cream.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1734
i liked the goal where the goalie was out of net, and there was a shot on net, and in the space of a few paces the goalie raced the ball back and, FROM BEHIND, lept and kicked it back to safety. i thought that was pretty awesome T-Rex: Oh crap, has it been four years? That means World Cup Football has started again! And THAT means it's time for ... / CUTE STORIES FROM WHEN T-REX WAS A BABY / T-Rex: ...what? / T-Rex: No, that's not what it's time for. It's World Cup fever time!! And that means it's ALSO time for ... / COMICS EXPLORING THE ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNOWLEDGE OBTAINED THROUGH DEDUCTION AND KNOWLEDGE OBTAINED THROUGH INTUITION / T-Rex: Oh my gosh NO. / Utahraptor: What's going on, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Hold on. Soccer! It's time for... / FIVE FUN WAYS TO A THREE-MINUTE SALAD / T-Rex: ... / Utahraptor: ...what? / T-Rex: Nevermind. I'M GOING HOME. / THAT EVENING: / T-Rex: Okay, LAST CHANCE! It's time for... / NEW, FUN, AND EXTREMELY EFFECTIVE WAYS TO DELIVER PLEASURE TO A SEXUAL PARTNER / T-Rex: ...Neato
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1735
tarrare's story was sent to me by a reader who said that for some reason, he thought the story would appeal to me. HE WAS EXTREMELY CORRECT T-Rex: I used to be a guy who'd say, "Historians: nice folks! They are Most Definitely not screwing with us." / T-Rex: I used to volunteer those very sentences at parties! / T-Rex: NOT ANYMORE! / T-Rex: Okay, so according to HISTORIANS there was a dude named Tarrare who lived in France and ate a lot. And when he ran out of food, he ate scraps. And then garbage from the gutter. And then he joined the army where he gobbled a meal meant for 15 men, and then he ate a cat a live. And then he threw up its fur. And later he was hospitalized and then later accused of trying to eat CORPSES from the MORGUE. / Utahraptor: You call shenanigans?? / T-Rex: I CALL SHENANIGANS. / T-Rex: Probably there was a Tarrare dude who ate a lot, sure. WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE. But his story is ridiculous. The army wanted to use him as a spy because they could keep boxed secret messages in his amazing distended stomach? And when he proved he could swallow boxes whole, they gave him 30 pounds of raw bull lungs as a reward?? / T-Rex: That should've been ME
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1736
when confronted with poison, don't swallow it! rather, distract your would-be poisoners with a masterful display of tooth rubbology T-Rex: So uh, it turns out that the flouride in toothpaste is, um, TOXIC. POISONOUS. There's enough flouride in a tube of toothpaste to END LIVES. Dentists weren't joking about not swallowing toothpaste! / T-Rex: Dentists weren't joking about a lot of things! / T-Rex: This is super concerning, Dromiceiomimus! I've been putting poison in my mough, TWICE A DAY, and RUBBING IT AROUND. Three times a day if I''m lying to my dentist! / Dromiceiomimus: There's barely enough in a tube to kill a child, T-Rex, and that's if they eat it. It'll take much more than a tube of toothpaste to take you down! / T-Rex: How much more? TWO tubes? THREE? / T-Rex: I'M PRETTY SURE YOU CAN BUY THEM IN BULK. / Utahraptor: Man, you're looking at this the wrong way! / Utahraptor: For years, you've been dosing yourself -- twice daily-- with a tiny amount of poison. If anything, you've built up an immunity! / T-Rex: . . . Oh my gosh, you're right! I MAY WELL BE IMMUNE TO FLOURIDE POISONING. / T-Rex: Assuming immunity works like in the movies! And also assuming that, rather than swallowing the poison, I just rub it all over my teeth. / T-Rex: And the best part is: that's what I was ALREADY planning to do anyway!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1737
i should put the question of whether extremely beautiful people have problems to you, my readers, BECAUSE EACH OF YOU IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE LAST, when properly arranged in order of increasing beautifulness T-Rex: What's life like for the objectively beautiful people? It's probably great to look in the mirror and think "WOAH, STILL AWESOME", but on the other hand, people would always treat you differently! / T-Rex: Maybe it gets boring when people are super nice to you all the time! / T-Rex: MAYBE that waitress brought you a free dessert because you're easy on the eyes, not because you're actually a nice person who truly deserves a fudgie brownie chocsplosion! Maybe that stranger offered you their seat not out of basic kindness and decency, but because they liked your handsomeness. How could you be certain of the sincerity of ANY interaction? / Utahraptor: Man, how can ANYONE be certain of the sincerity of anything? / T-Rex: I- / Utahraptor: When someone's nice to you, maybe it's because youre beautiful, but maybe it's because you're so UGLY that he honestly doesn't know what else to do. Maybe he's acting SUPER NORMAL because if he acts prejudiced against uggos, or handsomos, or averagos, or whatever it is he thinks you are. / Utahraptor: Maybe EVERYONE draws you with hearts for eyes. Or maybe with stink lines instead? Maybe they doddle their first name with your last; maybe they doddle their name and THEN write "drew T-Rex with stink lines: hilarious." / T-Rex: Dude, precisely half of your hypotheticals are really hurting my feelings!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1738
 
i have done some Quick Photoshop Work and determined that it is possible for t-rex to pick his nose. there. i just saved you like five minutes. T-Rex: I propose a new law: that folks cannot be held responsible for what they do while they're sleeping! / T-Rex: Motion: PASSED! / T-Rex: Now when I'm asleep and I burp in a hilarious way, I'm not to be made to feel bad about it! When I wake up, we can ALL share a laugh together, okay?? And the same goes if I pass gas or pick my nose or whatever. TOTALLY HILARIOUS, and also TOTALLY NOT MY FAULT. / Utahraptor: People claim to have been sexually assaulted by people who were sleeping. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: ...Really? That's how we're playing this? I'm proposing a fanciful law to get out of GAS EMBARRASSMENT, and you're Mister Hey Guys, I'm Gonna Bring Up Serious Incidents of Possible Sexual Assault. / Utahraptor: Lawmakers have to consider the full impact of their laws! / T-Rex: I'M NOT A LAWMAKER! / T-Rex: I'm a GUY with OPINIONS who I guess FARTS while he SLEEPS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1739
it makes calls AND makes my opinions towards cellphone users inconsistent! T-Rex: Is it that time again? Has the hour finally been struck? Should I send not to know for whom the bell tolls, because it tolls for me? IS IT TRULY TIME ... / T-Rex: ... FOR MORE EUPHEMISMS FOR SEX?? / T-Rex: Okay! Let's call sex "wacky times for two or more, but actually usually one", "kinda weird hugs" "kinda weird hugs with benefits", or "annoying the bed". / Dromiceiomimus: And let's call kissing "the check to see if my lips are smushy". / T-Rex: "The double-check"! / Utahraptor: And what of oral sex? / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR! The most salacious of all raptors! / T-Rex: How about "mouthrotica"? "Switching to handsfree mode"? "Racking up roaming charges"? "Checking to see if 3G access is available in my area"? / Utahraptor: Those became less funny and more "things you do with cellphones". / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: I've got my own problems, AND a new cellphone.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1740
Then prepare for my amazing "Vampire Novel 2000"! T-Rex: Vampires are in, right? That's not too passe? We're not all into ants that have combined themselves together to form the shape of a giant ant yet? Yes? / T-Rex: Then prepare for my amazing "Vampire Novel 2000"! / T-Rex: Ahem. Vampire Novel 2000! Vampire Novel 2000 opens up on the first page, where the title of the book is printed. Your eyes caress the words, your lips mouthing them as you read: 'Vampire Novel'. And then, two numbers that are also four, the paradox of repeated digits. 2000. A number that promise the future. A year, but more than a year: an aesthetic. The future we all remember, now novelized, and also with vampires. / Utahraptor: Are you going to do anyting beyond describe the reading process? / T-Rex: Dude, that's the book! / T-Rex: It's a book ABOUT reading a book, and what's more, it's a book about READING THE VERY BOOK THAT YOU'RE CURRENTLY READING. Oh, sorry! DID I JUST BREAK YOUR MIND? / Utahraptor: It sounds kinda...terrible. / T-Rex: Oh, how awful! / T-Rex: That is the only sentence someone whose mind is broken can say.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1741
today is "wear your dinosaur comics shirt and interesting people will talk to you day", it's going to be AWESOME T-Rex: What's today? Friday? Is it Friday? Or is it... / T-Rex: JUDGE EVERYTHING BY THE SAME STANDARDS YOU'D JUDGE A ROMANTIC COMEDY BY DAY? / Narrator: HOW'S YOUR SANDWICH? / T-Rex: My sandwich has a sassy female lead, and I use "sassy" in the delicious sense and "female lead" in the novel-but-soon-to-be-familiar "spiced ham and brie cheese interior" sense. / Dromiceiomimus: Mine started off promising enough, but derailed in the third act. / T-Rex: Oh my god I know EXACTLY WHAT THAT'S LIKE. / Narrator: HOW'S YOUR LOVE LIFE? / T-Rex: Um - 90 minutes long? / Utahraptor: The perfect length! / Narrator: HOW'S YOUR BODY IMAGE? / T-Rex: Good, I guess? Produced by the combined efforts of hundreds if not thousands of people, all of whom expect a profit? / Utahraptor: That one made me sad. / T-Rex: *sigh* / T-Rex: Yeah. / Narrator: THE NEXT DAY, T-REX'S TAX RETURN IS STILL WAY OVERDUE: / T-Rex: Oh dang it dang it dang it! / T-Rex: NO MORE PROCRASTINATING
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1742
today is "wear your dinosaur comics shirt and interesting people will talk to you day", it's going to be AWESOME T-Rex: What's today? Friday? Is it Friday? Or is it... / T-Rex: JUDGE EVERYTHING BY THE SAME STANDARDS YOU'D JUDGE A ROMANTIC COMEDY BY DAY? / Narrator: HOW'S YOUR SANDWICH? / T-Rex: My sandwich has a sassy female lead, and I use "sassy" in the delicious sense and "female lead" in the novel-but-soon-to-be-familiar "spiced ham and brie cheese interior" sense. / Dromiceiomimus: Mine started off promising enough, but derailed in the third act. / T-Rex: Oh my god I know EXACTLY WHAT THAT'S LIKE. / Narrator: HOW'S YOUR LOVE LIFE? / T-Rex: Um - 90 minutes long? / Utahraptor: The perfect length! / Narrator: HOW'S YOUR BODY IMAGE? / T-Rex: Good, I guess? Produced by the combined efforts of hundreds if not thousands of people, all of whom expect a profit? / Utahraptor: That one made me sad. / T-Rex: *sigh* / T-Rex: Yeah. / Narrator: THE NEXT DAY, T-REX'S TAX RETURN IS STILL WAY OVERDUE: / T-Rex: Oh dang it dang it dang it! / T-Rex: NO MORE PROCRASTINATING
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1742
-UUUUUUUE. BUT THAT'S CERTAINLY SEEMS A FAIR COMPROMISE AS I RECALL THE CEREAL TO BE EXCEEDINGLY SWEET. T-Rex: Spring break! Woo! / T-Rex: SPRING BREAAAA- / T-Rex: -AAAAAAAAAA- / T-Rex: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- / T-Rex: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- / Utahraptor: -AAAAAAAAAAAAA- / T-Rex & Utahraptor: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- / T-Rex: -AAAK IS NOT SOMETHING I REALLY HAVE ACCESS TO AS AN ADULT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1743
 
the voice in panel two's line was originally "But my bladder is at 110% capacity!" but then I was like, man, what does that mean, is there like - a bottle somewhere? it raised too many questions for such a small panel, believe you me T-Rex: When going on road trips (woo!), there are two kinds of drivers! The first kind of driver is: / Narrator: The NEVER-STOP: / Off screen passenger: But I need to pee! / T-Rex: NEVER / Narrator: THE SCENIC ROUTER / Dromiceiomimus: Isn't this a great farmer's market, T-Rex? Aren't you glad we stopped? / T-Rex: Oh my god, Dromiceiomimus / T-Rex: Never have I been so bored by corn / Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, what are you doing here? / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR? / T-Rex: I didn't expect to find you at a farmer's market. You like corn? / Utahraptor: Well, I like fresh vegetables, including corn. / T-Rex: Excuse me, but what's that noise? Is it SOMEHOW the sound of you becoming EXTREMELY BORING?? / T-Rex: beewooowoooooooooo / T-Rex: OH MY GOD I THINK IT IS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1744
the voice in panel two's line was originally "But my bladder is at 110% capacity!" but then I was like, man, what does that mean, is there like - a bottle somewhere? it raised too many questions for such a small panel, believe you me T-Rex: When going on road trips (woo!), there are two kinds of drivers! The first kind of driver is: / Narrator: The NEVER-STOP: / Off screen passenger: But I need to pee! / T-Rex: NEVER / Narrator: THE SCENIC ROUTER / Dromiceiomimus: Isn't this a great farmer's market, T-Rex? Aren't you glad we stopped? / T-Rex: Oh my god, Dromiceiomimus / T-Rex: Never have I been so bored by corn / Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, what are you doing here? / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR? / T-Rex: I didn't expect to find you at a farmer's market. You like corn? / Utahraptor: Well, I like fresh vegetables, including corn. / T-Rex: Excuse me, but what's that noise? Is it SOMEHOW the sound of you becoming EXTREMELY BORING?? / T-Rex: beewooowoooooooooo / T-Rex: OH MY GOD I THINK IT IS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1744
apology not accepted T-Rex: Mistakes are terrible. From now on, doctors are NOT ALLOWED to make mistakes, okay? Excellent. / T-Rex: EXCELLENT. / T-Rex: Also mechanics aren't allowed to make mistakes either. And the police. And judges and lawmakers. And corporations. NO MORE MISTAKES, EVERYONE. It's too easy to say "It was a mistake", and it's way too easy to say "I'm sorry". From now on we're all going to try something a little bit harder, and we're going to call it "NOT SCREWING UP". / Utahraptor: Mistakes happen, T-Rex! We don't have absolute control over everything. / T-Rex: Too easy, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: "Mistakes happen" is the effect, and I'm talking about stopping the cause. Just don't allow mistakes to happen in the first place, and OH SNAP, your homespun excusionary aphorisms will no longer apply! / Utahraptor: I look forward to seeing you never make a mistake again. / T-Rex: SO DO I, ACTUALLY. / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: Things are gonna be GREAT.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1745
apology not accepted T-Rex: Mistakes are terrible. From now on, doctors are NOT ALLOWED to make mistakes, okay? Excellent. / T-Rex: EXCELLENT. / T-Rex: Also mechanics aren't allowed to make mistakes either. And the police. And judges and lawmakers. And corporations. NO MORE MISTAKES, EVERYONE. It's too easy to say "It was a mistake", and it's way too easy to say "I'm sorry". From now on we're all going to try something a little bit harder, and we're going to call it "NOT SCREWING UP". / Utahraptor: Mistakes happen, T-Rex! We don't have absolute control over everything. / T-Rex: Too easy, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: "Mistakes happen" is the effect, and I'm talking about stopping the cause. Just don't allow mistakes to happen in the first place, and OH SNAP, your homespun excusionary aphorisms will no longer apply! / Utahraptor: I look forward to seeing you never make a mistake again. / T-Rex: SO DO I, ACTUALLY. / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: Things are gonna be GREAT.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1745
you can also cut out panel six for that mysterious air Narrator: HOW TO PASS FOR A HUMAN BEING / T-Rex: Human beings are complicated, but they're also not really that complicated. It's super easy to pass for one. / T-Rex:...which is great, because that's what you'll be doing for the next 13 cycles! / T-Rex: The most important tip is to invest in at least a level 5 exoform: if you're going to pass for any extended period of time, the added comfort is definitely worth it. Be sure to show many human interests, such as in whether or not other humans like you, in images and stories of what other humans are doing or have done, and SOMETIMES, in getting naked and mixing genetic traits through gamete combination. / T-Rex: HOT. / Utahraptor: Also, be sure not to blow your cover! / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: You'd risk undoing combined efforts sustained over 14 zetacycles. In an emergency, fake your own death and make it look like you died of something plausible, like "old age," or "suffocation." / Utahraptor: Yes. On account of how humans respirate! / Narrator: PRINT THIS COMIC OUT AND PUT IT IN YOUR WALLET! THAT WAY, WHEN YOU DIE, IT WILL BE TOTALLY AWESOME WHEN THE AUTHORITIES LOOK FOR ID AND FIND THIS COMIC AND *FREAK OUT* / Narrator: ASSUMING THEY STOP READING AT PANEL 5 ANYWAY
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1746
i think "ha ha, etc." is a great punchline indicator that goes woefully underused, ha ha, etc. Narrator: HANDY PHRASES FOR WHEN SOMEONE HAS JUST HAD A BABY / T-Rex: "Oh, how adorable!" / T-Rex: "To date, that's definitely the best baby I'VE ever seen!" / T-Rex: "Have you considered naming the baby after me? It's a great name! Ha ha, etc." / Dromiceiomimus: "My goodness, he or she has your smile!" / T-Rex: "Or other identifying trait!" / T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: "Neaaaaaaaaat!" / Utahraptor: "I envy your fertile loins." / T-Rex: "They've really demonstrated the value of teamwork." / T-Rex: "I was never one to believe in love at first sight, but I confess: I love your child." / Utahraptor: "Not romantically, though." / T-Rex: "No, I will definitely not love your child romantically until it has reached the age of majority and provided explicit consent." / T-Rex: "Thank you for inviting me to share this moment with you today."
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1747
i think "ha ha, etc." is a great punchline indicator that goes woefully underused, ha ha, etc. Narrator: HANDY PHRASES FOR WHEN SOMEONE HAS JUST HAD A BABY / T-Rex: "Oh, how adorable!" / T-Rex: "To date, that's definitely the best baby I'VE ever seen!" / T-Rex: "Have you considered naming the baby after me? It's a great name! Ha ha, etc." / Dromiceiomimus: "My goodness, he or she has your smile!" / T-Rex: "Or other identifying trait!" / T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: "Neaaaaaaaaat!" / Utahraptor: "I envy your fertile loins." / T-Rex: "They've really demonstrated the value of teamwork." / T-Rex: "I was never one to believe in love at first sight, but I confess: I love your child." / Utahraptor: "Not romantically, though." / T-Rex: "No, I will definitely not love your child romantically until it has reached the age of majority and provided explicit consent." / T-Rex: "Thank you for inviting me to share this moment with you today."
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1747
i think "ha ha, etc." is a great punchline indicator that goes woefully underused, ha ha, etc. Narrator: HANDY PHRASES FOR WHEN SOMEONE HAS JUST HAD A BABY / T-Rex: "Oh, how adorable!" / T-Rex: "To date, that's definitely the best baby I'VE ever seen!" / T-Rex: "Have you considered naming the baby after me? It's a great name! Ha ha, etc." / Dromiceiomimus: "My goodness, he or she has your smile!" / T-Rex: "Or other identifying trait!" / T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: "Neaaaaaaaaat!" / Utahraptor: "I envy your fertile loins." / T-Rex: "They've really demonstrated the value of teamwork." / T-Rex: "I was never one to believe in love at first sight, but I confess: I love your child." / Utahraptor: "Not romantically, though." / T-Rex: "No, I will definitely not love your child romantically until it has reached the age of majority and provided explicit consent." / T-Rex: "Thank you for inviting me to share this moment with you today."
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1747
dinosaur-style comics Narrator: STUPID DUMB ADVERTISING SLOGAN TECHNIQUES / T-Rex: There are tons of stupid dumb advertising slogan techniques Oh my goodness, they're so terrible. Let's consider a few such as... / T-Rex: ...Style. As in "bakery-style" buns! / T-Rex: This word "style" promises authenticity but delivers the cruelest of approximations. This is the same "style" you'll see in when I offer "enthusiastic-style kisses", "food-style protein digestibles", or when you discover your "bakery-style" buns were baked by an AUTOMATION with a CONVEYER-BELT OVEN MOUTH and PRESSURE DIAL eyes. / T-Rex: ...Which is actually awesome, so um, let's put this one down in the "actually awesome" column. / Utahraptor: What about self comparatives? That's where something is pitched as "30% less fat", but is still fatty! / Utahraptor: It's just got less fat than the manufactures own, comparatively fattier product. / T-Rex: That's me punching you in the face, saying "Try my other fist, now with 30% less fat!" and then punching you again!... Which is also rad. Huh. I guess I like THIS ad slogan too! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX IS UPDATING HIS DATING PROFILES: / T-Rex: "I can't stay upset around analogies involving robots OR fight scenes." / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: Colour me dateable!!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1748
 
what's that there blocking the hallway, oh man, it looks like a big ol' pile of CONTINUITY Narrator: WE JOIN OUR STORY AFTER T-REX HAS LOST HIS SENSE OF SMELL: / T-Rex: It happened yesterday, shortly after I was complaining about advertising slogans! / T-Rex: And it was DEFINITELY the most interesting part of my day! / T-Rex: Do you remember it, Dromiceiomimus? How amazing it was? How it was awesome, in both the colloquial AND old-schoool biblical sense? / Dromiceiomimus: I do! And as I recall, it went a little something like this... / Dromiceiomimus: "YOU WERE TALKING TO UTAHRAPTOR" / T-Rex: Utahraptor! We meet again, sooner then usual! / Utahraptor: Yep! / Dromiceiomimus: "YOU ASKED HIM IF HE'D ANYTHING TO ADD ABOUT AD SLOGANS" / T-Rex: Do you have anything to add... about AD SLOGANS?? / Utahraptor: No. No, I think we covered it pretty well earlier. / T-Rex: Okay, me too / Dromiceiomimus: "LATER ON, THE CALL OF ADVENTURE WAS HEARD" / T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen: the mummy's gold isn't going to rescue itself! / Dromiceiomimus: "JUST THEN I WONDERED WHY I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT YOUR OWN RECENT HISTORY"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1749
"Explosions have been going off across town, and nobody knows who to blame. A neighbour volunteers some theories based mainly on his own prejudices." T-Rex: "A handsome T-Rex has just found out he's spending his summer vacation on the run from the law -- and from the agents of the law that enforce it!" / T-Rex: Oh snap! Is it "Everyone Owes Me Five Excellent Movie Ideas Thursday" AGAIN?? / Dromiceiomimus: "After falling into experimental chemicals, a lovely Dromiceiomimus discovers that she can see the future -- only the future isn't what it used to be! It's a musical and she must now accustom herself to the idea." / T-Rex: "A cursed mansion leads a band of teenagers - led by an older and handsome T-Rex - to confront their greatest fear: becoming separated from each other and dying alone in a cursed mansion." / T-Rex: "Explosions have been going off all over town, and the culprit has escaped justice." / Utahraptor: "SO FAR." / Utahraptor: "A handsome T-Rex investigates, but his pratfalls only interfere with the ongoing police investigation." / T-Rex: "Someone's poisoned the town's water, and the clock is ticking. Will a handsome T-Rex have time to solve... The Riddle of 'Man, Which One Of You Dicks Poisoned The Water Supply?'" / T-Rex: "A casual use of the word 'dick' has raised eyebrows across town. Now, one T-Rex (handsome) has to confront his destiny in an unrelated matter." / T-Rex: Guys! / T-Rex: ...I think that one might be the best yet!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1750
"Explosions have been going off across town, and nobody knows who to blame. A neighbour volunteers some theories based mainly on his own prejudices." T-Rex: "A handsome T-Rex has just found out he's spending his summer vacation on the run from the law -- and from the agents of the law that enforce it!" / T-Rex: Oh snap! Is it "Everyone Owes Me Five Excellent Movie Ideas Thursday" AGAIN?? / Dromiceiomimus: "After falling into experimental chemicals, a lovely Dromiceiomimus discovers that she can see the future -- only the future isn't what it used to be! It's a musical and she must now accustom herself to the idea." / T-Rex: "A cursed mansion leads a band of teenagers - led by an older and handsome T-Rex - to confront their greatest fear: becoming separated from each other and dying alone in a cursed mansion." / T-Rex: "Explosions have been going off all over town, and the culprit has escaped justice." / Utahraptor: "SO FAR." / Utahraptor: "A handsome T-Rex investigates, but his pratfalls only interfere with the ongoing police investigation." / T-Rex: "Someone's poisoned the town's water, and the clock is ticking. Will a handsome T-Rex have time to solve... The Riddle of 'Man, Which One Of You Dicks Poisoned The Water Supply?'" / T-Rex: "A casual use of the word 'dick' has raised eyebrows across town. Now, one T-Rex (handsome) has to confront his destiny in an unrelated matter." / T-Rex: Guys! / T-Rex: ...I think that one might be the best yet!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1750
Some people think that shooting energy beams out of your eyes means the end of history. Well... We haven't run out of history quite yet. T-Rex: Back in the time of History, how sight worked was pretty confusing. Rather than light entering our eyes, folks thought our eyes were sending beams OUT to whatever they were seeing. / T-Rex: Oh snap! It's the emission theory of vision, bitches! / Dromiceiomimus: But if it were true, how come we can't see in the dark? / T-Rex: Ah, that's because our eye beams need sunlight to work properly. And before you say "How come we can glance quickly at stars and see them even though they're super far away", THAT'S because our eye beams move infinitely fast, OBVIOUSLY. / T-Rex: The theory also implied that anywhere someone wasn't looking was TOTALLY DARK. / Utahraptor: That's kind of awesome! / T-Rex: I know! I imagine Earth, seen from space, spots lighting up wherever people are looking, darkening briefly as they blink, beams blasting out into the universe whenever someone glances above the horizon. / T-Rex and Utahraptor: Totally sweet! / T-Rex: Anyway! It turns out that emission theory was wrong: our eyes don't shoot out energy beams; the only things we ever shoot out of our eyes are tears, lymph, and blood. / T-Rex: And even then: ONLY SOMETIMES.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1751
Some people think that shooting energy beams out of your eyes means the end of history. Well... We haven't run out of history quite yet. T-Rex: Back in the time of History, how sight worked was pretty confusing. Rather than light entering our eyes, folks thought our eyes were sending beams OUT to whatever they were seeing. / T-Rex: Oh snap! It's the emission theory of vision, bitches! / Dromiceiomimus: But if it were true, how come we can't see in the dark? / T-Rex: Ah, that's because our eye beams need sunlight to work properly. And before you say "How come we can glance quickly at stars and see them even though they're super far away", THAT'S because our eye beams move infinitely fast, OBVIOUSLY. / T-Rex: The theory also implied that anywhere someone wasn't looking was TOTALLY DARK. / Utahraptor: That's kind of awesome! / T-Rex: I know! I imagine Earth, seen from space, spots lighting up wherever people are looking, darkening briefly as they blink, beams blasting out into the universe whenever someone glances above the horizon. / T-Rex and Utahraptor: Totally sweet! / T-Rex: Anyway! It turns out that emission theory was wrong: our eyes don't shoot out energy beams; the only things we ever shoot out of our eyes are tears, lymph, and blood. / T-Rex: And even then: ONLY SOMETIMES.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1751
i spent a lot of time deciding whether or not god could use the : in "answer:" in today's comic. i did all this deciding for YOU, the amazing, generous, sexually-successful reader T-Rex: God, I'm BORED. / God: HOW CAN YOU BE BORED WHEN AT ANY MOMENT YOU COULD TAKE A BUS TO THE AIRPORT / God: GO TO THE ARRIVALS AREA / God: AND HOLD UP A SIGN THAT SAYS "ANYONE WHO JUST WANTS TO FRIGGIN' PARTY" / God: ANSWER: / God: YOU CAN'T / T-Rex: But suppose... BUSES TO THE AIRPORT HAVE ENDED FOR THE DAY?? / God: THEN YOU COULD WATCH AS A METEORITE PUNCHES THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE / Utahraptor: Hi T-Rex! / T-Rex: One sec. / God: MOST OF ITS MASS AND SPEED IS LOST AS IT BURNS UP AND ARRIVES NEAR THE SURFACE AS A MERE WARM PEBBLE THAT BOUNCES OFF YOUR RAISED HAND THUS MAKING YOU A RECIPIENT OF THE ULTRA-RARE / God: SPACE HIGH FIVE / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I've got to go. Holy crap. / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: Don't leave me HANGING
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1752
i spent a lot of time deciding whether or not god could use the : in "answer:" in today's comic. i did all this deciding for YOU, the amazing, generous, sexually-successful reader T-Rex: God, I'm BORED. / God: HOW CAN YOU BE BORED WHEN AT ANY MOMENT YOU COULD TAKE A BUS TO THE AIRPORT / God: GO TO THE ARRIVALS AREA / God: AND HOLD UP A SIGN THAT SAYS "ANYONE WHO JUST WANTS TO FRIGGIN' PARTY" / God: ANSWER: / God: YOU CAN'T / T-Rex: But suppose... BUSES TO THE AIRPORT HAVE ENDED FOR THE DAY?? / God: THEN YOU COULD WATCH AS A METEORITE PUNCHES THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE / Utahraptor: Hi T-Rex! / T-Rex: One sec. / God: MOST OF ITS MASS AND SPEED IS LOST AS IT BURNS UP AND ARRIVES NEAR THE SURFACE AS A MERE WARM PEBBLE THAT BOUNCES OFF YOUR RAISED HAND THUS MAKING YOU A RECIPIENT OF THE ULTRA-RARE / God: SPACE HIGH FIVE / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I've got to go. Holy crap. / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: Don't leave me HANGING
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1752
to find out more about t-rex's best night ever, you'll need a much more reliable narrator Narrator: T-REX'S BEST NIGHT EVER T-REX'S PLACE 9:00 PM / God: DUDE IT IS MOST DEFINITELY TIME FOR SOME HIJINKS / Narrator: T-REX'S PLACE 11 AM THE NEXT DAY / T-Rex: Best night EVER!! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you know those 80s movies where a group of teens have one FINAL CRAZY NIGHT before they all graduate and go their separate ways? Last night was like that! Only instead of being a group of teens who learn about life AND each other, I was AN OLDER NON-TEEN who has obligations AND responsibilities! / T-Rex: ...Wait. / T-Rex: I'm making this sound not as rad as it should be. / Utahraptor: Your mistake was comparing yourself to teens, my friend! / T-Rex: Man! Nobody can compete with teens! / T-Rex: I could be telling you a story about a friggin' SPACE ASTRONAUT and you'd be all "Neato", but if someone else starting talking about Teen Astro: Astronaut Teenager, there's no way you wouldn't listen. / Utahraptor: Teen Astro sounds kinda dumb, actually. / T-Rex: Please! / T-Rex: He's been to Pluto and back... and he's still 100% teen!! / T-Rex: He's the most compelling character of our generation: we all know it
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1753
to find out more about t-rex's best night ever, you'll need a much more reliable narrator Narrator: T-REX'S BEST NIGHT EVER T-REX'S PLACE 9:00 PM / God: DUDE IT IS MOST DEFINITELY TIME FOR SOME HIJINKS / Narrator: T-REX'S PLACE 11 AM THE NEXT DAY / T-Rex: Best night EVER!! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you know those 80s movies where a group of teens have one FINAL CRAZY NIGHT before they all graduate and go their separate ways? Last night was like that! Only instead of being a group of teens who learn about life AND each other, I was AN OLDER NON-TEEN who has obligations AND responsibilities! / T-Rex: ...Wait. / T-Rex: I'm making this sound not as rad as it should be. / Utahraptor: Your mistake was comparing yourself to teens, my friend! / T-Rex: Man! Nobody can compete with teens! / T-Rex: I could be telling you a story about a friggin' SPACE ASTRONAUT and you'd be all "Neato", but if someone else starting talking about Teen Astro: Astronaut Teenager, there's no way you wouldn't listen. / Utahraptor: Teen Astro sounds kinda dumb, actually. / T-Rex: Please! / T-Rex: He's been to Pluto and back... and he's still 100% teen!! / T-Rex: He's the most compelling character of our generation: we all know it
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1753
 

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