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| It clearly specified that participation today is mandatory. | T-Rex: Alright dudes! Today is TELL EVERYONE ABOUT ME (T-REX) day. It's the day where I finally get tons of new friends! I will finally be / T-Rex: POPULAR / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, what are you doing here?! You should be out talking me up!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Huh. I guess I'm just really bad at TELL EVERYONE ABOUT ME (T-REX) day. / Utahraptor: T-Rex, I -
/ T-Rex: Utahraptor, you too?? / T-Rex: Did NOBODY read my email in full last night? You should be out talking me up to others, getting me some new friends!
/ Utahraptor: To be honest, I find this whole idea kinda insulting.
/ T-Rex: Utahraptor if you ever wanted me to talk you up, I'D do it! Check it: / T-Rex: "Hey, Utahraptor's, um, great! He's tall I guess and his skin is orange and also brown I think. On his belly or whatever?"
/ Utahraptor (presumably): That's really the best you can do?
/ T-Rex: You didn't let me finish!
/ T-Rex: "If we were friends, MAYBE I could find out more about his belly?" http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1814 |
| how about you call your play "knaves ahoy", i will pay you 500 of what you'd call futurebux if you call it "knaves ahoy" | T-Rex: We don't have all of Shakespeare's plays. Turns out, we TOTALLY LOST some of the work of the greatest playwright in the English language ever! / T-Rex: Whoops! Butterfingers! / T-Rex: So yeah, if you're wondering what happened in "The History of Cardenio" then KEEP WONDERING, because none of us kept a copy around. When we were done watching the play we all said "Neat" and then forgot about it forever. When the actors were done they all said "Cool" and threw their copies in the garbage. And then they died years later and their last words were "Forsooth! Nobody ever asked me to recite my part of Cardenio from memory, OH SNAPS." / T-Rex: PERSONALLY, I think the problem is the title.
/ Utahraptor: You don't like history? / T-Rex: The play sounds like a lecture! If he'd called his play "Check out Time... at Hotel Erotical!" or "Good Grieffe, More Robot Suits" then MAYBE people would have kept the play around.
/ Utahraptor: I don't -
/ T-Rex: Oh! "Teens! Teeens!! Teeeens!!!" is objectively better too. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND
/ T-Rex: Shakespeare, how about you call your play "Space Quest ]|["?
/ Shakespeare: um zero of my character are questing for space t-rex
/ T-Rex: Dude!
/ T-Rex: WE CAN FIX THAT. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1815 |
| Mr. How Come I Can't Nominate Myself, Nobody Knows My Accomplishments Better Is The Thing | T-Rex: Another year without me being awarded a Nobel Peace Prize! I hate to me "Mr. Where's My Peace Prize Already", but, well - here we are. I GUESS that's who I am now. I GUESS I should get some new business cards printed up. / T-Rex: This is kinda getting old, you guys! / T-Rex: I'm just - I'm not sure what else I can do, Nobel Peace Prize Award Committee. Ask anyone if I can get more peaceful! They'll say "No way, dude!!" or they'll say "I'm sorry, I don't know who T-Rex is."
/ Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, but the prize isn't for being peaceful! It's for working TOWARDS peace.
/ T-Rex: Hello?? I've done so much work for peace! / Utahraptor: Like what, T-Rex?
/ T-Rex: Um, like not becoming a brutal world dictator? / T-Rex: By failing to take even the SMALLEST STEP towards dictatorship, I've saved millions of lives that would otherwise be lots in the ensuing conflict. Wow, you guys! That's a lot of peace!
/ Utahraptor: That's just inaction with good PR! That's not work.
/ T-Rex: BELIEVE ME, some days it's work. / Utahraptor: Okay. I kinda set you up for that.
/ T-Rex: And I kinda ran with it! That's why we're such good comedy partners!
/ T-Rex: I mean FRIENDS http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1816 |
| lawsuits are a KIND of fame | T-Rex: I am going to write an amazing play, and it will be hilarious and beautiful and meaningful and have depths that will keep critics writing for generations, and it will make me famous and rich. / T-Rex: Looks like this morning just got a friggin' GOALSET, baby! / Narrator: SOON:
/ Dromiceiomimus: How's the play going so far, T-Rex?
/ T-Rex: Good! So far I've got over FOU- over THREE characters, and I've got a conflict too! The characters want to go to the ice cream store but one of them is like, "oh hey, I feel like I've had enough ice cream." / Utahraptor: You can never have enough ice cream!
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: That's what the other characters say to the first character. Then they get into a fight. The fight spreads, and before long the audience is drawn into it too!
/ Utahraptor: Audience participation?
/ T-Rex: They get punched by actors, so: yes. / Narrator: SOON: THE PLAY IS NOT HILARIOUS OR BEAUTIFUL OR MEANINGFUL AND IT DOESN'T MAKE T-REX RICH BUT IT DOES HAVE AUDIENCE PUNCHING
/ T-Rex: And after, lawsuits!!
/ Narrator: AND AFTER, LAWSUITS http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1817 |
| lawsuits are a KIND of fame | T-Rex: I am going to write an amazing play, and it will be hilarious and beautiful and meaningful and have depths that will keep critics writing for generations, and it will make me famous and rich. / T-Rex: Looks like this morning just got a friggin' GOALSET, baby! / Narrator: SOON:
/ Dromiceiomimus: How's the play going so far, T-Rex?
/ T-Rex: Good! So far I've got over FOU- over THREE characters, and I've got a conflict too! The characters want to go to the ice cream store but one of them is like, "oh hey, I feel like I've had enough ice cream." / Utahraptor: You can never have enough ice cream!
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: That's what the other characters say to the first character. Then they get into a fight. The fight spreads, and before long the audience is drawn into it too!
/ Utahraptor: Audience participation?
/ T-Rex: They get punched by actors, so: yes. / Narrator: SOON: THE PLAY IS NOT HILARIOUS OR BEAUTIFUL OR MEANINGFUL AND IT DOESN'T MAKE T-REX RICH BUT IT DOES HAVE AUDIENCE PUNCHING
/ T-Rex: And after, lawsuits!!
/ Narrator: AND AFTER, LAWSUITS http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1817 |
| back in time in all caps in the first panel, back in time in all caps whenever i say it | T-Rex: Okay, I hate to be the one to say it, but I must be pretty great because I just had ANOTHER brilliant idea about time travel! Suppose it's possible to send a message BACK IN TIME. / T-Rex: And suppose causality still holds, so that events in the past determine the future! / T-Rex: So when I send a message to Past T-Rex, he'll act on it - and that'll change the universe that I, Present T-Rex, live in! So presumably now I'd send a different message back in time, which will again change how past T-Rex acts. We've got an unstable loop of constantly changing timelines, but it SHOULD proceed towards an equilibrium! / Utahraptor: And the simplest equilibrium is that no message is sent at all? / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: I send a message that makes Past Me decide not to send a message back in time. When he reaches the present, no message is sent, and the universe reverts to how it was originally! Time travel might ERASE ITSELF every time it happens! / Utahraptor: Wow! That's amazing! Too bad Larry Niven came up with it already. / T-Rex: Larry Niven already invented T-Rex's Law? That's crazy! / T-Rex: ... Why do you think he named it after me? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1818 |
| and yes, i AM fun at parties. until someone keeps blinking | T-Rex: What day is it? Friday? It must be Friday because it's time for more... / T-Rex: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION / T-Rex: So what you do is tap someone on the head between the eyes and above the nose! They'll reflexively blink each time you tap them until they get wise to you game, at which point they'll suppress the reflex and the blinking will stop. But until then, THEIR EYELIDS ARE AT YOUR MERCY. YOU CONTROL SOMEONE ELSE'S EYELIDS WITH YOUR MEREST WHIM.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Neat, I guess!
/ T-Rex: Pretty neat I guess, yeah! / Utahraptor: So your secret is tap someone on the head and they'll blink? You must be fun at parties.
/ T-Rex: That's only part of it! / T-Rex: The other part is if they CONTINUE to blink after the first few taps, then that's one of the early symptoms of Parkinson's disease.
/ Utahraptor: Holy crap!
/ T-Rex: But it's not NECESSARILY Parkinson's. It could also be dementia! Or any number of progressive neurological illnesses, really. / Narrator: THIS PANEL INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
/ Narrator: ON ACCOUNT OF HOW YOU ARE CURRENTLY TAPPING YOUR FACE http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1819 |
| and yes, i AM fun at parties. until someone keeps blinking | T-Rex: What day is it? Friday? It must be Friday because it's time for more... / T-Rex: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION / T-Rex: So what you do is tap someone on the head between the eyes and above the nose! They'll reflexively blink each time you tap them until they get wise to you game, at which point they'll suppress the reflex and the blinking will stop. But until then, THEIR EYELIDS ARE AT YOUR MERCY. YOU CONTROL SOMEONE ELSE'S EYELIDS WITH YOUR MEREST WHIM.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Neat, I guess!
/ T-Rex: Pretty neat I guess, yeah! / Utahraptor: So your secret is tap someone on the head and they'll blink? You must be fun at parties.
/ T-Rex: That's only part of it! / T-Rex: The other part is if they CONTINUE to blink after the first few taps, then that's one of the early symptoms of Parkinson's disease.
/ Utahraptor: Holy crap!
/ T-Rex: But it's not NECESSARILY Parkinson's. It could also be dementia! Or any number of progressive neurological illnesses, really. / Narrator: THIS PANEL INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
/ Narrator: ON ACCOUNT OF HOW YOU ARE CURRENTLY TAPPING YOUR FACE http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1819 |
| "i hope you do because oh snap!": the unchallengeable explanation that can always stand on its own | T-Rex: Do you guys know about T-Rex's Three Laws of Parties? I hope you do, because oh snap! This dude just went eponymous! / Narrator: T-REX'S THREE LAWS OF PARTIES / T-Rex: Law one: a sweet party may not injure sexy times or, through inaction, allow sexy times to come to harm. LAW TWO: a sweet party must allow admittance to any sentient being who is totally sweet, except where admittance would conflict the First Law. Law three! A sweet party must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the other laws.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Aren't these just superficially altered Asimovian laws of robotics? / T-Rex: How is that a bad thing? Hello?! The laws worked for friggin' ROBOTS.
/ Utahraptor: In fiction! / Utahraptor: In real life they're super vague! How does a robot classify "harm"?
/ T-Rex: But identifying sexy times at a party is EASY, Utahraptor! Any sweet party that obeys my laws is known as T-Rexian and it has my full support, okay? AND they get my stamp of approval too: / Utahraptor (off panel): T-Rex.
/ Utahraptor (off panel): I can't see what I assume you're imagining. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1820 |
| "i hope you do because oh snap!": the unchallengeable explanation that can always stand on its own | T-Rex: Do you guys know about T-Rex's Three Laws of Parties? I hope you do, because oh snap! This dude just went eponymous! / Narrator: T-REX'S THREE LAWS OF PARTIES / T-Rex: Law one: a sweet party may not injure sexy times or, through inaction, allow sexy times to come to harm. LAW TWO: a sweet party must allow admittance to any sentient being who is totally sweet, except where admittance would conflict the First Law. Law three! A sweet party must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the other laws.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Aren't these just superficially altered Asimovian laws of robotics? / T-Rex: How is that a bad thing? Hello?! The laws worked for friggin' ROBOTS.
/ Utahraptor: In fiction! / Utahraptor: In real life they're super vague! How does a robot classify "harm"?
/ T-Rex: But identifying sexy times at a party is EASY, Utahraptor! Any sweet party that obeys my laws is known as T-Rexian and it has my full support, okay? AND they get my stamp of approval too: / Utahraptor (off panel): T-Rex.
/ Utahraptor (off panel): I can't see what I assume you're imagining. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1820 |
| AND ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE CELEBRATION I am! | God: T-REX ISN'T YOUR BIRTHDAY COMING UP SOON
/ T-Rex: It is! / God: AND ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE CELEBRATION
/ T-Rex: I am! / God: AND HAVE YOU ACHIEVED YOUR LIFE-LONG GOAL OF BECOMING IMMORTAL YET
/ T-Rex: I -
/ T-Rex: Oh yeah. / T-Rex: Okay guys: I've seriously got to become immortal, STAT.
/ Utahraptor: Why not just enjoy the time you've got? / Utahraptor: There's been tons of folk in every generation who wanted to be immortal, and I don't see any of them still kicking around.
/ T-Rex: Aha, but were THEY motivated by an acute awareness of their failures and compromises, brought on by the anniversary of my birth?? / Narrator: SOON:
/ T-Rex: I'm still not immortal, but I HAVE managed to recontextualize birthday cakes into second-place consolation prizes for failing to achieve immortality! Now all birthday parties are super depressing.
/ T-Rex: ...Go me? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1821 |
| some people think t-rex having a birthday means the end of history. well... we haven't run out of history just yet. | T-Rex: Man, I shouldn't be down about not YET being immortal. There's all sorts of different forms of immortality! Immortality through art, through deed... / T-Rex: ...through ensuring that if I don't live forever, the forever only lasts only as long as I do... / Dromiceiomimus: What?! What was that last one again, T-Rex?
/ T-Rex: Oh! Just idly speculating that if you define immortality as "living as possible to live", then if I were somehow responsible for the complete destruction of the universe, I'd EFFECTIVELY be immortal. I'd have lived for as long as it was possible to, until the UNIVERSE ITSELF was lost!
/ T-Rex: ...You know? / Utahraptor: T-Rex! That's super-villian logic!
/ T-Rex: I know!! It just sort of - happened. / T-Rex: I awoke this moring - my birthday - and found I'd discovered how to personally benefit from the end of all things. What do you do after that?
/ Utahraptor: Just because you'll benefit from something doesn't mean you should do it!
/ T-Rex: Okay but
/ T-Rex: What if it does though / God: T-REX IF YOU DESTROY THE UNIVERSE I'M GOING TO BE SUPER CHEEZED
/ T-Rex: With a Z?
/ God: WELL HONESTLY I'D BE SO MAD I'M NOT SURE IF I'D TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE IT DOWN http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1822 |
| I think they'd really like it! | T-Rex: I'd really like to get my friends a "thanks for being awesome" present! But all I can think to give them is a website link. It's to a site that lets you check out how sweet some home appliances are! / T-Rex: I think they'd really like it! / T-Rex: But our culture is crazy, Dromiceiomimus, because I can't just give you a URL as a gift. No matter how much you'd like it!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Sure you can!
/ T-Rex: Well yeah I CAN, but it doesn't count nearly as much as a REAL present. You can't say you'd not be disappointed if you unwrapped a gift that was just "checkoutthesesweethomeappliances.com" written on a slip of paper! / Utahraptor: Well, maybe the site has a book version or something?
/ T-Rex: But why does that make the gift better? / T-Rex: Is it because a book costs money? Are gifts only good if they cost money?
/ Utahraptor: No, home-made presents are good too.
/ T-Rex: THOSE COST TIME. Are we so psychopathic that we think gifts are only good if they lessen the giver in some way?? / T-Rex: Everyone had better adjust their attitude before replicators get invented! Because once that happens I'm getting everyone action figures of the two of us for their birthdays, and they're not gonna cost me a cent and everyone will have to DEAL.
/ T-Rex: We'll have little chapeaus http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1823 |
| I think they'd really like it! | T-Rex: I'd really like to get my friends a "thanks for being awesome" present! But all I can think to give them is a website link. It's to a site that lets you check out how sweet some home appliances are! / T-Rex: I think they'd really like it! / T-Rex: But our culture is crazy, Dromiceiomimus, because I can't just give you a URL as a gift. No matter how much you'd like it!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Sure you can!
/ T-Rex: Well yeah I CAN, but it doesn't count nearly as much as a REAL present. You can't say you'd not be disappointed if you unwrapped a gift that was just "checkoutthesesweethomeappliances.com" written on a slip of paper! / Utahraptor: Well, maybe the site has a book version or something?
/ T-Rex: But why does that make the gift better? / T-Rex: Is it because a book costs money? Are gifts only good if they cost money?
/ Utahraptor: No, home-made presents are good too.
/ T-Rex: THOSE COST TIME. Are we so psychopathic that we think gifts are only good if they lessen the giver in some way?? / T-Rex: Everyone had better adjust their attitude before replicators get invented! Because once that happens I'm getting everyone action figures of the two of us for their birthdays, and they're not gonna cost me a cent and everyone will have to DEAL.
/ T-Rex: We'll have little chapeaus http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1823 |
| okay so more analogies involving SIEGE MACHINES please | T-Rex: Alright, I'll say it: speeding music up makes songs sound ridiculous. / T-Rex: There must be a way to capitalize on this!! / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I believe this has already been capitalized on... by Alvin and his associated Chipmunks?
/ T-Rex: Right, right. Okay. Well, um, slowing DOWN music makes it sound ridiculous AND boring. Maybe I can capitalize on that! Or maybe I can play it slow, and then fast, and then slow again. And then reverse slow? / Utahraptor: Maybe you can just enjoy music and not try to make money off it by playing it oddly?
/ T-Rex: Utahraptor, PLEASE. / T-Rex: You're the guy lounging in his boat. I'm the guy on shore, strapping boats into a colossal trebuchet and firing them into the sky. Oh snap! There one goes now. You idly glance up, a hand trailing in the water. Can you see it?
/ Utahraptor: W--
/ T-Rex: You can see it. / T-Rex: You have trouble processing it as the boat descends towards you, but then - you realize! It's all an analogy for how you like boring regular music and I'm busy inventing the FUTURE!!
/ Utahraptor: I paddle really fast!
/ T-Rex: It's too late! Your last words are "T-Rex was right, that was sweeeeeeeeeet"! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1824 |
| okay so more analogies involving SIEGE MACHINES please | T-Rex: Alright, I'll say it: speeding music up makes songs sound ridiculous. / T-Rex: There must be a way to capitalize on this!! / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I believe this has already been capitalized on... by Alvin and his associated Chipmunks?
/ T-Rex: Right, right. Okay. Well, um, slowing DOWN music makes it sound ridiculous AND boring. Maybe I can capitalize on that! Or maybe I can play it slow, and then fast, and then slow again. And then reverse slow? / Utahraptor: Maybe you can just enjoy music and not try to make money off it by playing it oddly?
/ T-Rex: Utahraptor, PLEASE. / T-Rex: You're the guy lounging in his boat. I'm the guy on shore, strapping boats into a colossal trebuchet and firing them into the sky. Oh snap! There one goes now. You idly glance up, a hand trailing in the water. Can you see it?
/ Utahraptor: W--
/ T-Rex: You can see it. / T-Rex: You have trouble processing it as the boat descends towards you, but then - you realize! It's all an analogy for how you like boring regular music and I'm busy inventing the FUTURE!!
/ Utahraptor: I paddle really fast!
/ T-Rex: It's too late! Your last words are "T-Rex was right, that was sweeeeeeeeeet"! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1824 |
| ERROR: L IS FOR THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME O IS FOR THE ONLY ONE I SEE V IS VERY VERY EXTRAORDINARY E IS EVEN MORE THAN ANYONE THAT I ADORE | T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, we've been friends for over 10 years! / T-Rex: When you think about it, we've been friends for over a quarter of my life! / T-Rex: Woah. That's - that's actually a really long time.
/ Dromiceiomimus: But a good time too!
/ T-Rex: Oh, absolutely! But imagine our friendship as a sweaty lump sitting in a corner. We're pointing to it and saying, "So hey, we spent a quarter of our lives working on that." Is is worth it?
/ Dromiceiomimus: ...What? / Utahraptor: Man, why'd you pick a sweaty lump?
/ T-Rex: I had to pick something!! It's all that came to mind! / Utahraptor: If you're going to physicalize a friendship, make it something awesome! Pick a jetpack! Pick a grizzly bear you've taught to play the piano.
/ T-Rex: Okay, I can still pull this out. Watch and learn, Utahraptor! / Narrator: SOON:
/ T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, our friendship is a robot we've built, powered by our platonic love and also sometimes our sexytimes love too! He says only one thing: "ERROR: I'M GLAD I'M SO AWESOME"
/ T-Rex: Let's spend another decade making it so it can say other stuff too, okay? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1825 |
| ERROR: L IS FOR THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME O IS FOR THE ONLY ONE I SEE V IS VERY VERY EXTRAORDINARY E IS EVEN MORE THAN ANYONE THAT I ADORE | T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, we've been friends for over 10 years! / T-Rex: When you think about it, we've been friends for over a quarter of my life! / T-Rex: Woah. That's - that's actually a really long time.
/ Dromiceiomimus: But a good time too!
/ T-Rex: Oh, absolutely! But imagine our friendship as a sweaty lump sitting in a corner. We're pointing to it and saying, "So hey, we spent a quarter of our lives working on that." Is is worth it?
/ Dromiceiomimus: ...What? / Utahraptor: Man, why'd you pick a sweaty lump?
/ T-Rex: I had to pick something!! It's all that came to mind! / Utahraptor: If you're going to physicalize a friendship, make it something awesome! Pick a jetpack! Pick a grizzly bear you've taught to play the piano.
/ T-Rex: Okay, I can still pull this out. Watch and learn, Utahraptor! / Narrator: SOON:
/ T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, our friendship is a robot we've built, powered by our platonic love and also sometimes our sexytimes love too! He says only one thing: "ERROR: I'M GLAD I'M SO AWESOME"
/ T-Rex: Let's spend another decade making it so it can say other stuff too, okay? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1825 |
| anyone who can show their 100% authentic birth certificate authenticating their name as "Cheeseburger" can stay the heck away from me | T-Rex: I don't have all the details on my new fantastic story, but I have a title! It's called "Oh No, I Think That Machine Tells You How You're Going To Die!" / T-Rex: It takes place in a world where everyone knows how they're going to die! / T-Rex: You waltz into a doctor's office and take a blood test, and the machine spits out a piece of paper that says "cheeseburger overdose" and that's 100% how you're going to die.
/ T-Rex: But it's not straightforward, so you could die from eating too many cheeseburgers, but you could ALSO die from a guy named "Cheeseburger" stuffing his hand down your throat.
/ T-Rex: That's gross.
/ T-Rex: That won't be in my story / Utharaptor: Hey T-Rex, what were you doing five years ago?
/ T-Rex: Chilling out, maxing, relaxi-
/ Utharaptor: Nope! / Utharaptor: ACTUALLY, you were describing a book with the exact same premise. You're plagiarizing yourself, dude!
/ T-Rex: Nuh-uh! There's a new twist: now the results for everyone born AFTER the machine's invention read simply "suicide".
/ Utharaptor: Gah! / T-Rex: Frig! I freaked myself out too!!
/ T-Rex: ...
/ T-Rex: Utharaptor when I stand like this it means HUGS PLEASE http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1826 |
| anyone who can show their 100% authentic birth certificate authenticating their name as "Cheeseburger" can stay the heck away from me | T-Rex: I don't have all the details on my new fantastic story, but I have a title! It's called "Oh No, I Think That Machine Tells You How You're Going To Die!" / T-Rex: It takes place in a world where everyone knows how they're going to die! / T-Rex: You waltz into a doctor's office and take a blood test, and the machine spits out a piece of paper that says "cheeseburger overdose" and that's 100% how you're going to die.
/ T-Rex: But it's not straightforward, so you could die from eating too many cheeseburgers, but you could ALSO die from a guy named "Cheeseburger" stuffing his hand down your throat.
/ T-Rex: That's gross.
/ T-Rex: That won't be in my story / Utharaptor: Hey T-Rex, what were you doing five years ago?
/ T-Rex: Chilling out, maxing, relaxi-
/ Utharaptor: Nope! / Utharaptor: ACTUALLY, you were describing a book with the exact same premise. You're plagiarizing yourself, dude!
/ T-Rex: Nuh-uh! There's a new twist: now the results for everyone born AFTER the machine's invention read simply "suicide".
/ Utharaptor: Gah! / T-Rex: Frig! I freaked myself out too!!
/ T-Rex: ...
/ T-Rex: Utharaptor when I stand like this it means HUGS PLEASE http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1826 |
| proportions of coloured males is stable in the long term, but fluctutes quite a bit in the short term, as the different tribes adopt different strategies. SO AWESOME, you guys. | T-Rex: There's a species of side-blotched lizards where the males have coloured throats, and they're either orange, blue, or yellow! The orange ones are biggest, the blue ones ar medium sized, and the yellow ones are tiniest. / T-Rex: I PROMISE THIS STORY TOTALLY GETS BETTER / T-Rex: Okay, so what's awesome is that the big orange lizards are toughest: they beat up the blue lizards and steal their girlfriend! But the blue lizards can defend against the smaller yellow ones, AND they form stronger relationships. Meanwhile, the yellow ones are so small that they can sneak in and sex up the orange lizard's girlfriend while he's out fighting! The blue lizard's sweeties are in committed relationships though, so Yellow can't seduce them away. / Utahraptor: So orange beats blue, blue beats yellow, and yellow beats orange!
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: Or in other words: Rock Paper Scissors. So awesome! The lizards are playing it endlessly, only they're way more hardcore than us, because they're PLAYING FOR SEX.
/ Utahraptor: I've played Rock Paper Scissors for sex.
/ T-Rex:...Okay that wasn't where I saw this coversation going but yeah let's do this. / Narrator: SOON
/ T-Rex: So you REALLY chose paper and he chose rock and then you had sexy times?
/ Utahraptor: For the third time: YES.
/ T-Rex: REALLY?? It wat that easy? Because -
/ T-Rex: - because stories like this make me worry I'm living my life wrong http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1827 |
| don't *I*?? | T-Rex: Wouldn't it be amazing to write down everything you are and everything you know into a book, so that someone reading it could know you as well as you know yourself?
/ T-Rex: Hey! / T-Rex: I'll save you the trouble; the answer is "YES, OBVIOUSLY IT WOULD BE!" / T-Rex: So um, why hasn't anyone done this already?
/ Dromiceiomimus: Because it's probably not even POSSIBLE to capture an entire person in a book, and even if it were, there's just too much information? I'm not convinced our brains have enough space to store ourselves PLUS all of another person at the same time!
/ T-Rex: No problem! Write your own book, and you can restore yourself from backup by reading it after! / Utahraptor: But then I'd be backup me, I'd have no memories of reading the other book!
/ T-Rex: ...TRUE. / T-Rex: Okay, so record yourself on camera when you've read my book you can watch the footage and say "Hey, I made a pretty sweet T-Rex. Maybe I should read that book again."
/ Utahraptor: ...Don't you have, like - a job you should be at right now?
/ T-Rex: ...Don't you? / T-Rex and Utahraptor: Friiiig http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1828 |
| i feel like i should do more comics about death, what good is being part glenn beck's liberal culture of death if you don't do anything with it | T-Rex: So um, I just I found out that you can make a really good pasta sauce out of like, a can of crushed tomatoes and some spices. Maybe some garlic too. / T-Rex: I've been paying ACTUAL DOLLARS for canned pasta sauces for years! / T-Rex: I've chumpatized myself! I'm like the guy eating at Burger King his whole life and you know he's actually never realized you can make burgers at home. You don't even have to be dressed for home burgers, me! And naked burgers are one of life's great pleasures!
/ Dromiceiomimus: It's great you're cooking more, but you don't even need the canned tomatoes. You can start with fresh ones!
/ T-Rex: WHAT / T-Rex: Next thing you'll say is I don't have to get spices in little jars!
/ Utahraptor: You don't! / Utahraptor: You can get fresh ones. You can grow a lot of them on your windowsill, actually, for basically zero dollars.
/ T-Rex: Hah! What's next - somehow growing my own TOMATOES??
/ Utahraptor: Yeah, you can do that too.
/ Utahraptor: They need a lot of water. / THE NEXT DAY, AT THE MALL FOOD COURT: / T-Rex: Attention, everybody else enjoying delicious fast food mealtime treats! I'm gonna go ahead and say what we're all thinking:
/ T-Rex: I WON'T TELL IF YOU WON'T http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1829 |
| how to bluff your way through every conversation about Sports Day, that loveable member of the Day household | T-Rex: Have you lied about liking a sport and now you're being called out on that lie? Okay. Lucky for you, it's / Narrator: HOW TO BLUFF YOUR WAY THROUGH EVERY CONVERSATION ABOUT SPORTS
/ T-Rex: ... day! / T-Rex: Maybe that wasn't clear. It's "How to bluff your way through every conversation about sports DAY."
/ Dromiceiomimus: What's sports day? Why are we talking about it?
/ T-Rex: Right. Okay, this isn't going well; I think it's my fault. I am going to show you how to bluff your way through sports conversations. Today has taken its name from this task. / Utahraptor: So, T-Rex, let's talk about sports!
/ T-Rex: SUPER. / T-Rex: I'll start! The ref's been blind; I'll go on to say if one team got their act together, they could win it all.
/ Utahraptor: Ah, but I was referring to the sport of CHESS.
/ T-Rex: And I, my friend, was referring to the chess prodigy known only as "The Ref"! / T-Rex: He's been blinded recently. And he's a one-man team that prefers collective pronouns? I'm surprised you missed it; it was in all the papers.
/ T-Rex: So!
/ T-Rex: ... you still believe me when I'm talking to you, yes? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1830 |
| If I want to lose twenty pounds, I have to work at it! I can't just dehirsutify. UNLESS...! | T-Rex: Mammals have it pretty great! I gotta admit: I'm kinda jealous of them sometimes! / T-Rex: What with all their hair and whatnot! / Dromiceiomimus: You're seriously jealous of mammals, T-Rex?
/ T-Rex: Just their body hair, Dromiceiomimus! Not only can they style it so that one mammal can look totally different from another mammal, but it's gotta be the most amazing way to lose weight. If you're too fat: no problem! Just squeeze out some hair and cut it off. Instant weight loss! / Utahraptor: I'm not sure hair works that way.
/ T-Rex: Come on, You know PROBABLY it does. / T-Rex: The only place that the energy and matter needed to produce body hair can come from is through food! Bottom line: that's a VIABLE WEIGHT-LOSS VECTOR that I simply don't have.
/ Utahraptor: But you've got finger nails, right?
/ T-Rex: Holy crap! I DO / Narrator: LATER:
/ T-Rex: I cut off my fingernails, but they were only a few grams and took weeks to grow back! It also didn't help that I chewed them up into a crunchy paste before I swallowed them though.
/ T-Rex: Okay I need to start keeping some thoughts to myself, like ASAP http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1831 |
| this comic originally began with the line "My name is T-Rex and I'm here to say / That I'm the rappingest guy who'd like to rap for a spell!". i rewrote it pretty heavily, i gotta say | T-Rex: I'm not in love! I'm not. So everyone can just remember that. You know what it is? / T-Rex: IT'S A PHASE. / T-Rex: It's just - it's a silly phase I'm going through.
/ Dromiceiomimus: You'd like to see someone, but then again, it doesn't mean they mean that much to you?
/ T-Rex: YES. Oh my gosh, that's PRECISELY how I feel.
/ T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, how did you know?? / Utahraptor: Those are song lyrics, T-Rex.
/ T-Rex: Hah.
/ T-Rex: Really, though: how'd she know? / Utahraptor: They're song lyrics! "I'm Not In Love" by "100cc". It's a 70s song.
/ T-Rex: OH MY GOD. That's amazing! SOMEHOW, my life was the inspiration for a 70s song - THIRTY YEARS AFTER IT WAS RELEASED!!
/ Utahraptor: Or, here in Plausible Land, you unconsciously plagiarized it. / Narrator: FIFTEEN DAYS LATER AND THIRTY YEARS AGO:
/ 100 cc: Guys, guys! I just had a vision of a giant talking green dinosaur with emotional problems! Let's write a song about him, okay?
/ T-Rex: I KNEW IT. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1832 |
| this comic originally began with the line "My name is T-Rex and I'm here to say / That I'm the rappingest guy who'd like to rap for a spell!". i rewrote it pretty heavily, i gotta say | T-Rex: I'm not in love! I'm not. So everyone can just remember that. You know what it is? / T-Rex: IT'S A PHASE. / T-Rex: It's just - it's a silly phase I'm going through.
/ Dromiceiomimus: You'd like to see someone, but then again, it doesn't mean they mean that much to you?
/ T-Rex: YES. Oh my gosh, that's PRECISELY how I feel.
/ T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, how did you know?? / Utahraptor: Those are song lyrics, T-Rex.
/ T-Rex: Hah.
/ T-Rex: Really, though: how'd she know? / Utahraptor: They're song lyrics! "I'm Not In Love" by "100cc". It's a 70s song.
/ T-Rex: OH MY GOD. That's amazing! SOMEHOW, my life was the inspiration for a 70s song - THIRTY YEARS AFTER IT WAS RELEASED!!
/ Utahraptor: Or, here in Plausible Land, you unconsciously plagiarized it. / Narrator: FIFTEEN DAYS LATER AND THIRTY YEARS AGO:
/ 100 cc: Guys, guys! I just had a vision of a giant talking green dinosaur with emotional problems! Let's write a song about him, okay?
/ T-Rex: I KNEW IT. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1832 |
| it's a powerful image for the passage of time that ALSO doubles as a reminder of when Martin Luther King Jr's Birthday (Observed) is | T-Rex: Okay! So the average life expetancy is what - 81 years? That's pretty terrific. That's a good long time - 29585 days! / T-Rex: EACH OF THEM SUPER AWESOME, hopefully?? / T-Rex: But MY awesome idea is this: a page-a-day calendar with 29585 pages on it! You tear off a page every day until you run out of pages, at which point you're either dead, or congrats, you beat the odds! Either way, it's a powerful image and reminder of our finite lives!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Especially since when you tear a page off, your calendar gets that much smaller.
/ T-Rex: And then you throw the page away! The symbolism: SO PERFECT. / Utahraptor: But you couldn't sell this, because most calendars would be starting and ending on different days!
/ T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: That's what custom print on demand is for! You get this printed up TODAY, Utahraptor, and you can have it tomorrow. TOMORROW.
/ Utahraptor: When it came, I'd have to throw away a good chunk of it for the days I've already lived.
/ T-Rex: I KNOW. IT'S SUCH A GREAT IDEA. / Narrator: SOON:
/ Utahraptor: T-Rex, I did some research and your calendar would easily cost upwards of ten thousand dollars to print.
/ T-Rex: *sigh*
/ T-Rex: FINE.
/ T-Rex: I GUESS I can print up a 2061 calendar and circle a day there for FREE http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1833 |
| electrons: they're okay | Narrator: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE
/ T-Rex: Seriously though, only ask him about science stuff, okay? / T-Rex: Our first letter comes from Utahraptor! / T-Rex: Utahraptor writes, "Dear Professor Science: all electrons share the same properties, but we don't know any reason why this should be so. Could the fact that all electrons are identical be explained by them actually all being the EXACT SAME ELECTRON that's TRAVELLING THROUGH TIME, and we're just catching it in various positions in that journey?? PS: T-Rex rules"
/ T-Rex: Utahraptor, that is a CRAZY LETTER. PS: I liked the PS though. / Utahraptor: I didn't write that!
/ T-Rex: Um dude, says here you did! / Utahraptor: You're not holding anything. You MADE UP the letter because YOU had the crazy idea, and you're afraid of being called crazy so you attributed it to me, but you'd still like to know if your idea is actually possible.
/ T-Rex: We'll let the Professor decide that!! / Narrator: LATER: DISAPPOINTMENT REIGNS SUPREME
/ T-Rex: We have to come back during office hours http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1834 |
| electrons: they're okay | Narrator: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE
/ T-Rex: Seriously though, only ask him about science stuff, okay? / T-Rex: Our first letter comes from Utahraptor! / T-Rex: Utahraptor writes, "Dear Professor Science: all electrons share the same properties, but we don't know any reason why this should be so. Could the fact that all electrons are identical be explained by them actually all being the EXACT SAME ELECTRON that's TRAVELLING THROUGH TIME, and we're just catching it in various positions in that journey?? PS: T-Rex rules"
/ T-Rex: Utahraptor, that is a CRAZY LETTER. PS: I liked the PS though. / Utahraptor: I didn't write that!
/ T-Rex: Um dude, says here you did! / Utahraptor: You're not holding anything. You MADE UP the letter because YOU had the crazy idea, and you're afraid of being called crazy so you attributed it to me, but you'd still like to know if your idea is actually possible.
/ T-Rex: We'll let the Professor decide that!! / Narrator: LATER: DISAPPOINTMENT REIGNS SUPREME
/ T-Rex: We have to come back during office hours http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1834 |
| three hidden comic extras enter the website's html markup - one of them leaves (it up to you to find the others) | T-Rex: Two men enter the ring - one man leaves!
/ God: THAT'S A LITTLE SEXIST DUDE
/ T-Rex: And THAT is fixed easily enough! / T-Rex: Two dinosaurs of any gender enter the ring - one dinosaur of any gender leaves! / Dromiceiomimus: Now you're excluding non-dinosaur sentient life! Isn't your friend Mr. Tusks a TINY bit sentient?
/ T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! He's ENTIRELY sentient, and you shouldn't be so racist against dwarf elephants in in bowler hats who have been elected to the office of vice mayor.
/ Dromiceiomimus: ...Okay done. / T-Rex: Two sentient life forms enter the ring - one of them leaves!
/ Utahraptor: Sounds good to me! / Utahraptor: So um, why are they doing this?
/ T-Rex: Well, I WAS going to propose a FIGHT TO THE DEATH with you guys, but you know what? Now I'm so irritated by all this correcting of my clearly awesome language that instead, I'M GOING HOME. / Narrator: LATER, FORESHADOWING!
/ T-Rex: Man, it sure would've been nice to fight my friends to the death. Maybe... SOME DAY?
/ Narrator: IS IT STILL FORESHADOWING IF THIS NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENS http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1835 |
| apropos of nothing, will someone please start an antarctic comics convention because i am 1000% motivated to go there and am totally just looking for an excuse. also, the means to travel | T-Rex: Who wants to party? Because THIS GUY is totally ready to party. / T-Rex: I am this guy, in case that wasn't clear! / Dromiceiomimus: Well, I'd love to party with you, T-Rex, but I'm actually on my way to work.
/ T-Rex: Well, I'd love to party with YOU, Dromiceiomimus, but you're making that REALLY HARD. I don't even know if your work lets friends party there!! / Utahraptor: Her work probably doesn't let friends party there.
/ T-Rex: ...Yeah. / T-Rex: But you're down to party, right? Ol' Utahraptor, "always down to party"!
/ Utahraptor: Not today! I've got to run some errands.
/ T-Rex: Oh.
/ T-Rex: Okay. / Narrator: LATER: A PARTY OF ONE!
/ T-Rex: Otherwise known as "eating chips alone on the couch".
/ T-Rex: Otherwise known as NO REGRETS, BITCHES!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1836 |
| i kinda admire the naming strategy Daguerro used with his daguerrotype. From now on, these are not Dinosaur Comics. Call them: Northotype Multi-graphetric Jokeotropes. | T-Rex: Oh crap, you wanted to know about the year 1837? Quick, everyone: say everything we've memorized about 1837! / T-Rex: This is the emergency we've trained for!! / Dromiceiomimus: In 1837, Alexandrina Victoria turned into Queen Victoria and announced she was moving to Buckingham Palace!
/ T-Rex: In 1837, Oliver Twist began being serialized! It had a... Twist ending?
/ Dromiceiomimus: No, it had a Dickens ending; STICK TO WHAT WE PRACTICED T-REX THIS IS SERIOUS. / Utahraptor: Daguerre invented the dageurreotype in 1837, so there's photographs!
/ T-Rex: And Morse patented the telegraph! / Utahraptor: There were a couple of rebellions in the Canadas, a fire in the Winter Palace and an earthquake in Galilee!
/ T-Rex: And EVERYONE ALIVE TODAY had ancestors in 1837 who either had or would have sexual congress producing offspring!
/ T-Rex: ...Also the US economy crashed so bad that 40% of banks died. / T-Rex: I'm pretty sure those last two events are unrelated!
/ T-Rex: ...No way to be sure, really http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1837 |
| i've been saying "new autobiography title" after my friends say something particularly great, which is how joey comeau's autobiography has come to be called "are you saying NONE of us had sex all weekend? - the joey comeau story" | T-Rex: So the average adult is supposed to think about sex like, a billion times a day, right? Sometimes more? / T-Rex: ...Especially if they're bored? / T-Rex: Well I'm going to be ABOVE-average, Dromiceiomimus, and I don't mean I'm going to think about sex two billion times per day! Instead, I'm going to think really productive thoughts instead of sexy ones. Every time I start to think "sex" I'll instead think "How can I make things better? How can I solve ALL the problems?"
/ T-Rex: And I'm not allowed to answer these questions with "sex" either! / Narrator: Later:
/ Utahraptor: So how's the problem-solving going?
/ T-Rex: Honestly: not so well! / T-Rex: The thing is, I've had YEARS of practice at thinking sexy thoughts; I've got that down COLD. But I'm a rank amateur when it comes to this!
/ Utahraptor: None of those skills transferred over, huh.
/ T-Rex: I'm SINCERELY SURPRISED by how poorly my erotic imagination prepared me for solving such serious world issues. / Book title: I'm Sincerely Surprised By How Poorly My Erotic Imagination Prepared Me For Solving Such Serious World Issues.
/ Subtitle: The T-Rex Story
/ Blurb: "A biography full of surprises, not the least of which is how poorly T-Rex's erotic imagination fared on the world stage." -The New Yorker http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1838 |
| i've been saying "new autobiography title" after my friends say something particularly great, which is how joey comeau's autobiography has come to be called "are you saying NONE of us had sex all weekend? - the joey comeau story" | T-Rex: So the average adult is supposed to think about sex like, a billion times a day, right? Sometimes more? / T-Rex: ...Especially if they're bored? / T-Rex: Well I'm going to be ABOVE-average, Dromiceiomimus, and I don't mean I'm going to think about sex two billion times per day! Instead, I'm going to think really productive thoughts instead of sexy ones. Every time I start to think "sex" I'll instead think "How can I make things better? How can I solve ALL the problems?"
/ T-Rex: And I'm not allowed to answer these questions with "sex" either! / Narrator: Later:
/ Utahraptor: So how's the problem-solving going?
/ T-Rex: Honestly: not so well! / T-Rex: The thing is, I've had YEARS of practice at thinking sexy thoughts; I've got that down COLD. But I'm a rank amateur when it comes to this!
/ Utahraptor: None of those skills transferred over, huh.
/ T-Rex: I'm SINCERELY SURPRISED by how poorly my erotic imagination prepared me for solving such serious world issues. / Book title: I'm Sincerely Surprised By How Poorly My Erotic Imagination Prepared Me For Solving Such Serious World Issues.
/ Subtitle: The T-Rex Story
/ Blurb: "A biography full of surprises, not the least of which is how poorly T-Rex's erotic imagination fared on the world stage." -The New Yorker http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1838 |
| pro tip: sometimes it's also NOT very fun to watch someone else play video games for a while, maybe you should take this lesson to heart OLIVER BRACKENBURY | T-Rex: I hope you have all saved up your $59.95 because my new video game is going to be amazing! And it will cost $59.95. Now you have all the facts you'll need to enjoy... / T-Rex: Oh Crap, Who'S Gonna Shoot These Bad Guys?? / T-Rex: In OCWSGSTBG??, there are some bad guys and we need to shoot them, but nobody knows who'll do it. Some say the player should do it, but the only button you have is labelled "1 2 3 Not Me", and then when you press it that's what your character says.
/ T-Rex: SOMETIMES after you say it, you shrug. / Utahraptor: Then what happens?
/ T-Rex: So much, Utahraptor! The whole game! / T-Rex: The other computer characters talk it out and eventually one of them is elected to shoot the eponymous bad guys, and then you watch THEM play the game. It's so sweet. There's, like, explosions.
/ Utahraptor: So the game plays itself.
/ T-Rex: Hello? It's a lesson in DIGITAL STORYTELLING? / T-Rex: The lession is, "sometimes it's fun to watch someone ELSE play video games for a while, maybe next time I'm over you should pass the controller over, Utahraptor"??
/ T-Rex: Ah yes, a moral I hold near and dear to my heart. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1839 |
| T-REX WE ARE BROS WE ARE TOTAL BROS I AM YOUR DEI-BRO | Narrator: LIFE HACKS FOR MEN
/ T-Rex: Men! Are you looking to "hack" your life? Too bad that doesn't make any sense!!
/ T-Rex: I do however have some tips for m- / Narrator: TIPS FOR MEN
/ T-Rex: -en!
/ T-Rex: Tips for men, yeah! / T-Rex: The first tip is this: never ever ask if a woman is pregnant, because she might not be pregnant and then not only have you just called her fat, you've just implied she has a glow as if LIFE ITSELF is developing inside her body.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Assuming she's a mammal!
/ T-Rex: Yes! Also: NEVER ASSUME A WOMAN IS A MAMMAL. / Utahraptor: Another good tip is to only buy one colour of socks!
/ T-Rex: Indeed! / T-Rex: If all you have are black socks of the exact same size and style, then they'll all match forever and you can lose one and it's no biggie.
/ Utahraptor: Assuming you wear socks, anyway.
/ T-Rex: If you don't wear socks then you've ALREADY levelled up to ultimate convenience. / God: T-REX THESE TIPS WORK FOR WOMEN AS WELL AS MEN SO THE QUESTION IS WHY ARE YOU DIVIDING THIS ALONG GENDER LINES
/ T-Rex: Nuh-uh! The real question is this:
/ T-Rex: How come you eavesdrop on me SO MUCH; this is a PRIVATE CONVERSATION between BROS? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1840 |
| without further adieu here is today's comic; take it slowly so as to avoid post-dramatic stress disorder | T-Rex: So as I was saying, for all intensive purposes, the REAL bro here is ?
/ GOD: I THINK YOU MEAN FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES
/ T-Rex: Hello? Purposes just got intense!! / GOD: IT'S STILL THE WRONG WORD
/ T-Rex: Far me it for me to correct GOD, but ? / GOD: FAR BE IT FROM ME
/ T-Rex: Right. But it's kinda a mute point ?
/ GOD: MOOT POINT
/ T-Rex: ...Okay. I get that as God you're a font of knowledge, but ?
/ GOD: FOUNT OF KNOWLEDGE
/ T-Rex: Um, both are off-quoted sayings of the same origin ?
/ GOD: OFT-QUOTED YOU MEAN / T-Rex: FINE. I'll try another tact!
/ GOD: TACK
/ Utahraptor: Arguing with God again, T-Rex? / T-Rex: YES. Apparently I only know a hack-kneed pigeon English, and today God's decided to ignore ALL SOCIAL MORAYS and correct me NON-STOP.
/ Utahraptor: Well, you ARE using the wrong words. I counted three.
/ T-Rex: Oh, I guess I'd better be internally grateful then!! THANKS GOD! THANKS UTAHRAPTOR! / Narrator: LATER: T-REX LEARNS THE CORRECT SAYING IS ?DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD?
/ T-Rex: I thought it was a doggy-dog world!! Dog-eat-dog is WAY more graphic. I'd ? I'd really prefer to live in a doggy-dog world.
/ T-Rex: *sigh*
/ T-Rex: Well, all be darned. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1841 |
| this comic started life as one where t-rex was excited that he could change his name was "david lorean" because then he would be "d. lorean" like the car from back to the future. i guess... i guess i rewrote it pretty hard | T-Rex: Everyone! Check this out and I hope you haven't left your balls on the floor because after this you might trip on them. Are you ready? ARE YOU READY TO POSSIBLY TRIP SOME BALLS?? / T-Rex: ?This sentence is a lie!? / T-Rex: Get it? If the sentence is true, then it's lying, which makes the sentence not true. But if the sentence isn't true, then it's lying, which makes the sentence true! WELCOME TO PARADOX TOWNE, POPULATION: YOU. YOU LOOK AROUND PARADOX TOWNE AND SEE ONLY BALLS. OH CRAP. YOU FEEL YOURSELF GETTING CLUMSIER.
/ Dromiceiomimus: This paradox is ancient, T-Rex! / T-Rex: WHAT'S THAT? YOU CAN'T HEAR YOUR OWN CRITICISM AS YOU QUICK-TRIP BALLS, IN SERIES AND ALSO, IN PARALLEL.
/ Utahraptor: It?s OLD, man! / Utahraptor: We've all heard this before and we dealt with it. Most of us didn't trip balls. PERSONALLY, I said ?Oh, I get it.?
/ T-Rex: YOU SAY ?OH, I GET IT? BUT IN HERE PARADOX TOWNE THAT ACTUALLY MEANS ?OH BALLS, I AM HERE TO TRIP YOU? / T-Rex: HOURS LATER, PARADOX TOWNE IS STILL INFESTED BY BALLS. YOU STRAP A SHOTGUN TO YOUR BACK AND SET OFF ALONE DOWNTOWN. WE SEE THE SUN QUIETLY SETTING ON THE TOWNE AS YOUR FIRST SHOT GOES OFF. BIRDS SCATTER INTO THE SKY.
/ T-Rex: Oh wow, THIS must be how Shakespeare felt! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1842 |
| i almost wrote utahraptor's line as "for all intensive purposes", WEDNESDAY COMIC HAS RUINED ME FOREVER AND EVER ALMOND | T-Rex: AS WE ALL KNOW, once light reaches our eyes, it can take upwards of 50 milliseconds before the chemical process of vision has completed and the information is in a usable form in our brain. 50 milliseconds, you guys! That's like... / T-Rex: FOREVER / T-Rex: It seems to me there's a lot of room for improvement there! And it seems to me that perhaps - I'M the one who's taken the next step and evolved a vision system that spits data out in 5 milliseconds, instead of 50??
/ Dromiceiomimus: Let's assume you are that guy with the 5-millisecond vision!
/ T-Rex: Oooh! Let's!! / Utahraptor: Congratulations, you've just become the most dangerous man on the planet!
/ T-Rex: ...How? / Utahraptor: Seeing things 45 milliseconds before than every other living thing means that, for all intents and purposes, you can see the future. You can react to things before anyone else is even aware they've happened!
/ T-Rex: Holy crap! I need to evolve this ability stat!
/ T-Rex: RRRrrrRRR / < http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1843 |
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