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Let's call him "Ryan!" Narrator: THE MOVING COMIC / T-Rex: I have a friend... / T-Rex: Let's call him "Ryan!" / T-Rex: Anyway, Ryan moved to a new city this weekend. He loaded up all his books into his car, but when he arrived they were soaked! / T-Rex: Ruined. / T-Rex: PULP. / T-Rex: I understand he was pretty upset about this. / Utahraptor: Oh well! / T-Rex: Well, that's not very supportive! / Utahraptor: Hey, I know this guy! The books were probably all comics anyway, and they don't matter, right? / T-Rex: Hey, that's right!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=151
Adventure comics! Narrator: ADVENTURE COMICS! / T-Rex: Oh boy! / T-Rex: Today is a good day I think. . . for adventure! / Narrator: THE END / T-Rex: What? I never got to go on my adventure? / God damn it! / T-Rex: This makes me so angry! / Utahraptor: Me too! / T-Rex: Why are you angry? / Utahraptor: I was hoping your adventure would take you out of town for a few days! / I could have come over and watched TV! / T-Rex: I don't have a TV! / Utahraptor: Forget it then!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=152
update bodies set status = 'dead' T-Rex: Well my screenplay for "(A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder?" didn't work out. Nobody wanted to produce it! So, I have started a new screenplay, based on the structured Query Language for databases! / T-Rex: It's called... / T-Rex: "UPDATE bodies SET status = ' DEAD ' " ! / T-Rex: It's about a database administrator for a large company who uncovers a secret database by accident! / T-Rex: A database...of MURDERS! / Utahraptor: Your screenplay once again, appeals only to a micro-niche market! / T-Rex: How do you mean? / Utahraptor: Well, the only people who will enjoy it are those in the intersection of the set of people who know databases with the set of people who like crappy movies! / T-Rex: Pretty nerdy, my friend!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=153
skydiving Narrator: Excitement Comics / T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to find some excitement! / T-Rex: Hmm...stomping this house is kind of exciting, but it's a more familiar feeling - like getting served a favourite meal. It's good, but I know how it's going to end. I think I can do something more exciting. / T-Rex: Well! Stomping on this woman is exciting but again - too familiar. / Utahraptor: What are you doing? / T-Rex: I'm looking for excitement! But so far it's been pretty much a "bust". / Utahraptor: Hmm...You could go skydiving! / T-Rex: Yeah man! / T-Rex: And I could land on my enemies houses! / T-Rex: "Surprise!"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=154
sexy celebrity cartoonist week - scott bevan and kent earle! T-Rex: I want to be Dick Tracy for Halloween / T-Rex: But my mom says I should be a witch / T-Rex: Oooh, she burns me up!!! Only pussies dress up as witches / Dromiceiomimus: I want to be a witch / Utahraptor: I heard you were going as a witch this year / T-Rex: Who told you that?! / Utahraptor: Your mom. / Utahraptor: Pussy! / T-Rex: Harry Potter's not a pussy!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=155
 
sexy celebrity cartoonist week - steve carey! Narrator: Dinosaur Comics Presents: Fun-Pun Corner! Today: Fun-Puns with t-Rex's Fave Activity! By Steve Carey / Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, why won't you lend me $20? / T-Rex: Because I have to put my foot down! / Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, why are you putting in all these long hours? / T-Rex: I'm just trying to get a leg up! / Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, why are you dressed up so fancy? / T-Rex: I'm stepping out! / Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, what's your favourite percussion-based theatrical experience? / T-Rex: The Blue Man Group! / T-Rex: What?! I really do like it! It makes me so happy!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=156
sexy celebrity cartoonist week - joseph kovell! T-Rex: Today is a good day, I think, for a guest comic. / T-Rex: I'm in a comic!? / T-Rex: It appears that by informing me of my current existence within a medium of entertainment, the guest comic author has already broken the so-called "fourth wall". / Dromiceiomimus: Why should that matter? Your existence now is in no way different than it was before. / T-Rex: but as a character in a comic, I am required to be a source of entertainment. This is a demand that I have up to now been unaware of. Thus I must provide the reader with some semblance of comedic banter... perhaps a pun using the phrase "breaking the fourth wall" and my current action of crushing many walls. / Dromiceiomimus: I believe that particular point would have been better off remaining a subtle irony. / T-Rex: Since I do not have a joke readily available, I will just have to resort to entertainment through violence. / Utahraptor: But you don't NEED to come up with a joke or rely on entertaining violence! / T-Rex: How so? / Utahraptor: As a character in a comic, you have no true free will of your own. Nor do you think at all! It is the author that will com up with the joke. / T-Rex: But what if he forgets to come up with a funny punchline? If I have no free will, does that mean that I will be forced to just take up space in the last caption and say nothing at all? / Utahraptor: If the author is a lazy bum, yes. / T-Rex: I don't see a punchline! / Narrator: Just say "who the hell goes to Cornwall" / T-Rex: Seriously, who does that? / Narrator: I know! Seriously!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=157
sexy celebrity cartoonist week - joey comeau! T-Rex: Did you know you can find instructions for making a bomb on the interweb? / T-Rex: I didn't have any plutonium though, / T-Rex: so I filled it with pictures from when we were kids!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=158
sexy celebrity cartoonist week - r. sikoryak! T-Rex: There's a house to stomp... / T-Rex: STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! / T-Rex: Wait, I've been here before...it's the Tyrone residence! Mr. Tyrone is arguing with his sons again... / Tyrones: Another shot in the arm! / Tyrones: Cut out that kind of talk! / Tyrones: Hold your foul tongue and your rotten Broadway loafer's lingo! / Dromiceiomimus: They're always arguing! / T-Rex: And there's Mrs. Tyrone, wandering aimlessly. I could stomp her too... / Utahraptor: No, DON'T! / T-Rex: Why shouldn't I stomp them all? / Utahraptor: Because the Tyrones will be more miserable if you let them live. / T-Rex: Oh.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=159
sexy celebrity cartoonist week - jeremy clarke! T-Rex: I've been thinking... If my decisions are based on my desires, and my desires are just the product of phsysiological and environmental factors beyond my control, / T-Rex: then I have no control over the decisions I make! / T-Rex: See, if I am just the psychological product of my environment, then each action I take I could not have taken in any other way. I HAD NO CHOICE! / T-Rex: like squashing this cat. / T-Rex: Free will doesn't exist! / Utahraptor: Isn't that just a bit too convenient? / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: Well your theory fails to account for the fact that we obviously CAN make decisions, and that we do so constantly. Can you really tell me that you think the brain is nothing more than a complicated computer with delusions of grandeur? / T-Rex: YES! / T-Rex: And you're DRUNK!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=160
 
sexy celebrity cartoonist week - justin pierce! T-Rex: Maslow says I can only maximize my full potential and achieve the highest state of being in one way: realization of self. / Narrator: SELF ACTUALIZATION COMICS: part 1 of 1 / Dromiceiomimus: What are you doing? / T-Rex: I'm continuing to stomp things until someone yells, "look out! A MONSTER!" / T-Rex: To which I will reply, "Look at yourselves! Who is the REAL monster, my friends?" / Utahraptor: You are! / T-Rex: "Look at yo-- / Utahraptor: You're an enormous dinosaur with fangs and claws! / Utahraptor: Hell, I'm a monster and you're bigger than ME! / T-Rex: OH, WOW....
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=161
the cursed nutrinomicon T-Rex: I have noticed that eating different foods has different physiological effects on myself. There must be some 'balanced diet' that maximizes the agreeable effects of such nourishment! / T-Rex: With this in mind, I have created... the Nutrinomicon! / T-Rex: The Nutrinomicon divides foods into four different 'groups.' These 'groups' have prescribed allowances per day. / T-Rex: By following the nutritional regime of the Nutrinomicon, you can be assured of a fine diet! / Utahraptor: Your "Nutrinomicon" is nothing more than a Food Guide, repackaged! / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: All the major governments have published Food Guides, which do exactly what your Nutrinomicon purports to do: divide food into groups, and describe how much of each group is allowable for a balanced diet. / Utahraptor: I have to admit, your name is cooler, though. / T-Rex: But - I stayed up all night working on the celebrated and unmentionable Nutrinomicon. / T-Rex: I even skipped dinner, which is ironic, because I was working on a guide to nutrition!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=162
filmic techniques comics Narrator: FILMIC TECHNIQUES COMICS / T-Rex: Oh boy! / T-Rex: I believe I'll offer some advice on employing everyday filmic techniques! / T-Rex: To begin: when filming, you always want to say on one side of the action. This is because if you suddenly start filming from the OPPOSITE side of the action, it will appear to be reversed! / T-Rex: Observe: / T-Rex: Notice how I appear to be stomping in the opposite direction! / Utahraptor: Amazing! / Utahraptor: Have you covered the "flashback" yet? / T-Rex: No, please be my guest! / Utahraptor: The flashback can be used to provide more detail about a character's motivation! For instance: / Narrator: TWENTY YEARS AGO... / T-Rex's Mom: I told you, son: no stomping! / T-Rex: You're not the boss of me!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=163
everyone's a winner T-Rex: When you spend your time talking to a T-Rex... / T-Rex: Everyone's a winner! / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus. Would you care to have a little chat, perhaps? / Dromiceiomimus: Gosh, I'm sorry - I was just on my way to the grocery store. Some other time, OK? / T-Rex: Oh, OK. / T-Rex: Well, that neither proves nor disproves my theory! / Utahraptor: Which theory? / T-Rex: Today I've been operating under the assumption that when you talk to a T-Rex (such as myself, you understand) - everyone's a winner! / Utahraptor: "A winner"? How do you mean? / T-Rex: Like, everybody is better for the experience? Geez, man! It's not that complicated a sentiment!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=164
't-rex, your house is on fire!' T-Rex: What's the deal with people who quote other people all the time? / Narrator: PEOPLE WHO QUOTE OTHER PEOPLE ALL THE TIME COMICS / T-Rex: Anyway, I'd better get on with my day! / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: 'T-REX, YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE!' / Utahraptor: T-Rex, your house is on fire! / T-Rex: I know! I'm trying to collect on the insurance money! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, you don't have any fire insurance! / T-Rex: Oh no! / Narrator: LATER... / T-Rex: What the hell was he talking about? I've got the insurance papers right here!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=165
 
joy comics Narrator: JOY COMICS / T-Rex: "Joy"?! / T-Rex: Who uses the word "joy" anymore? "Happy", sure - but outside of a religious context, is anything described as "joyous" anymore? Besides weddings, I guess. And childbirths. / Utahraptor: Maybe you're too old and cynical and embittered to believe in things like joy, T-Rex! / Utahraptor: The reason the word seems odd to you is that it is completely untouched by popularity or irony! "Awesome" has lost all its power through overuse, but "joy" still means something! I think perhaps you are a bit embarrassed by the idea of joy! Maybe because you've never experienced it? / T-Rex: I have so experienced joy! I have so! / T-Rex: It was awesome!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=166
i wonder what life would be like if i were a lady T-Rex: I wonder what life would be like if I were a woman! / T-Rex: I wonder! / T-Rex: Hello Dromiceiomimus! Do you want to go shopping for women's underwear? We are after all both women! / Dromiceiomimus: That is true! I see no reason why we both couldn't go out and buy some women's underwear! / T-Rex: Nor do I! / Narrator: LATER... / Utahraptor: Are you doing anything tonight? / T-Rex: Why no - besides going out with a strapping young man such as yourself! / Utahraptor: Excellent! Shall we say, nine-ish? / T-Rex: It's a date! / T-Rex: I'm glad I keep these little fantasies to myself!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=167
sarcasm comics Narrator: SARCASM COMICS / T-Rex: What if people can't tell when I'm being sarcastic? / T-Rex: This is a serious question! What if in the past, when I assume somebody has picked up on what I took to be obvious sarcasm, they took me at face value? Oh my God! The misunderstandings would be legion! This is a huge concern! / T-Rex: I may have unintentionally lied or alienated every one of my friends! / Utahraptor: Again? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! Can you tell when I'm being sarcastic? / Utahraptor: Well, I think so, but say something sarcastic now and I'll tell you what it sounds like. / T-Rex: Ok- just give me a second to think of something! / T-Rex: *ahem* / T-Rex: Oh no! I'm so worried! What if people can't tell when I'm being sarcastic?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=168
a hurricane! T-Rex: I just found out that a hurricane is expected to hit this area! / T-Rex: More specifically, the area including my house! / T-Rex: A category one! We hardly ever get actual hurricanes here! / T-Rex: I am the EXCITED one. / T-Rex: In fact - more like category fun! This is going to be awesome! / Utahraptor: Aren't you afraid? / T-Rex: Why? I'll be able to don a raincoat and hat, go outside in the storm and pretend to give pseudo-meteorological reports! / T-Rex: "Back to you, Utahraptor!" / Utahraptor: That - that actually sounds like a lot of fun. / Narrator: LATER... / T-Rex: My house!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=169
computational linguistics Narrator: T-REX IN: COMPUTATIONAL LINGUISTICS / T-Rex: Computational linguistics is the study of computer-based language processing! / T-Rex: A major area of computational linguistics is that of "ambiguity resolution". It turns out that many things people say in a language - English, for example - can have more than one meaning! / T-Rex: Consider the phrase "fruit flies like a banana". Is it describing the taste of fruit flies, or rather flying fruit? How can a computer hope to figure this out? / T-Rex: Many have focused on statistical modelling of language, but this approach is approximate. / Utahraptor: I agree! / T-Rex: What do YOU know about computational linguistics? / Utahraptor: Ever read a little paper called "Non-Statistical Models for Unsupervised Prepositional Phrase Attachment"? / Utahraptor: That was me! / Utahraptor: It was some of my earliest work on head word tuples! / T-Rex: Shit man, you know more about this than I do! / T-Rex: You know what? You should be the one doing the talking here!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=170
 
a wedding invitation T-Rex: I received an invitation via the post last night! A very exclusive invitation... / T-Rex: ...to a wedding! / Dromiceiomimus: Who's getting married? / T-Rex: A friend of mine! She's getting married to a woman she met four years ago! / Dromiceiomimus: Wow! / Utahraptor: Ooh! Ooh! Can I be your guest for the wedding? / T-Rex: Sure! / Utahraptor: Awesome! I've never been to a wedding before, much less a lesbian wedding! This is exciting! / T-Rex: I know! We'll get to see them KISS! / Utahraptor: That's not what I meant! / T-Rex: Whatever, man! I bet I won't be the only one taking a picture!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=171
at the wedding Narrator: AT THE WEDDING / T-Rex: Being at my first wedding is exciting, but also makes me nervous! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! What are YOU doing here? / Dromiceiomimus: It turns out MY sister knows your friend's bride! Small world! / T-Rex: Yeah, small world! / Utahraptor: T-Rex! The wedding is about to start! / T-Rex: Oh man! How do I look? / Utahraptor: Great! Great! How do I look? / T-Rex: Supoib! / Utahraptor: Then let's go! I'll meet you in the third row! / T-Rex: Wait up!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=172
at the reception Narrator: AT THE RECEPTION: / T-Rex: Well, the wedding went off without a hitch! / T-Rex: Ha ha, not counting the slang meaning of 'hitch' of course! / T-Rex: What did you think of the wedding, Dromiceiomimus? / Dromiceiomimus: I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but I cried! It was a beautiful wedding. Are you going to see the brides? / T-Rex: I'm on my way there now! / T-Rex: I will congratulate them on finding happiness! / Utahraptor: What are you talking about? / Utahraptor: The brides are gone, T-Rex! Remember when they ran down the church stairs while we showered confetti on them? They've left for their honeymoon! / T-Rex: Oh yeah! But there's still cake for us, right? / Utahraptor: Right! / T-Rex: I love lesbian weddings!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=173
i didn't know he could read! T-Rex: This marriage has gotten me thinking about monogamy. / T-Rex: I did some research! / T-Rex: I found a book called "The Ethical Slut"! / T-Rex: Basically it gives advice for having loving polygamous relationships. A lot of it makes sense! Like say your girlfriend has a best friend, and they go out one night. You're happy for her, right? You love her, you want her to be happy. So why should that change when you add sex to it? The book also posits that an artificial 'economy of scarcity' in sex leads to jealousy and possessiveness. / Utahraptor: You're saying that because sex is 'rare', it has increased value, and is therefore treasured unreasonably? / T-Rex: Yeah! / T-Rex: That's what the book says, anyway. It's not anti-monogamy, but it is pro-polygamy. / Utahraptor: But don't you find that these things don't work in real life? I know I want my partner to be happy, but I also want all of his or her kisses. / T-Rex: Artificial economy of scarcity, my friend! Like diamonds! / Utahraptor: Why are you so interested in this, anyway? / T-Rex: Who knows!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=174
that's the coolest Narrator: COMICS WITH EMBEDDED FASHION ADVICE / Narrator: PART ONE / T-Rex: Man, did you see what that Triceratops was wearing at the film last night? / Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, he has really bad fashion sense! / T-Rex: You said it! / Utahraptor: Did you see him last weekend? / T-Rex: No, what was he wearing? / Utahraptor: Well, let's just say that a lime green t-shirt coupled with electric blue shorts is not exactly the most stylish of outfits. / T-Rex: W- / T-Rex: What's wrong with that? / T-Rex: That's the coolest!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=175
 
dinosnore comics Narrator: Paleontology Phunnies Dept. Once in a long while we come across a comic strip that is so mind-bogglingly bad, we can't help but wonder why it isn't already extinct! It's time for a MAD look at... DINOSNORE COMICS / T-Blech: It's a good thing I've come up with some things to talk about today! Otherwise, I could lose my job! / T-Blech: Hello Dromiceiolongname! People call me the T-Blech! / Dromiceiolongname: Because you're the king of dinosaurs? / T-Blech: No! Because I have such bad breath! How could I ever brush my teeth with these tiny arms? / Utahrapper: Yo yo, T-Blech! Can you help me and my home dinoz stomp out all the humans? If they don't die out soon, we'll lose the survival competition to these upstart primates, dawg! / T-Blech: I'm already on it, Utahrapper! I've been stomping on humans and their houses for months now! Haven't you noticed their population getting smaller? / Utahrapper: Yo, I thought I was just getting bigger! / T-Blech: That is an interesting philosophical point! Is everything relative? / Utahrapper: Forget it, T-Blech! We've philosophized instead of taking action, and now the humans have won! We'll all be extinct by tomorrow! / T-Blech: Oh well! For some reason I feel as if the world would be better off without us! I only have one fear, Utahrapper: that the humans might one day invent reality television!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=176
things i've read on the internet comics (mild anti-vegetarian sentiment) Narrator: THINGS I'VE READ ON THE INTERNET COMICS / Narrator: also featuring: mild anti-vegetarian sentiment / T-Rex: I once read how to make bombs! / Dromiceiomimus: I once learned how to hypnotize anyone! / Utahraptor: I once read how to make a really good salad! / T-Rex: That's it? The whole Internet and you look up salads? / Utahraptor: You don't understand! It's a really good salad! / T-Rex: Is it meat salad? / T-Rex: Because if not then I doubt it would be a very good salad!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=177
thanksgiving day comics T-Rex: Today is Thanksgiving Day! / Narrator: THANKSGIVING DAY COMICS / T-Rex: I'm excited! I always look forward to all the food you get to eat during Thanksgiving! / T-Rex: My favourite is mashed potatoes! I've left extra room in my stomach for mashed potatoes! / Dromiceiomimus: But, T-Rex, Thanksgiving was- / T-Rex: Sorry to interrupt, but I must be on my way! I'm having dinner with the Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, where the hell were you? / T-Rex: Huh? What do you mean? / Utahraptor: I cooked all day and you didn't even show up! / T-Rex: But - that dinner's tonight! / Utahraptor: No! You always have the big meal the night BEFORE Thanksgiving Day! / Utahraptor: You missed out! / T-Rex: Aww boo! / T-Rex: This time, I've disappointed even myself!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=178
the white lie that spiraled, out of control! Narrator: T-REX IN: "THE WHITE LIE THAT SPIRALED OUT OF CONTROL" / T-Rex: I stayed at home last night and watched a movie! / T-Rex: But as not to appear nerdy, I told everyone that I went out "clubbing"! / Narrator: PRESENTLY: / Dromiceiomimus: How was the club, T-Rex? / T-Rex: It was great! I had a great time dancing with, uh, three different women! / Dromiceiomimus: Three women? / T-Rex: Yeah, at once! It was awesome! I have pictures! / Utahraptor: Wow! Can I see your pictures? / T-Rex: Sure! I'll make enlargements for everyone! / Utahraptor: Great! / T-Rex: And David Suzuki was there too! I boogied with him! / Utahraptor: Awesome! / Utahraptor: Wow T-Rex, I can't wait to see those incredible pictures! / T-Rex: And so you shall! / Narrator: NEXT: HIJINKS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=179
perhaps i will eat my friends Narrator: A METHOD BY WHICH SOCIAL CONSTRAINTS SERVE TO LIMIT PERSONAL FREEDOM / Narrator: a comic / T-Rex: Today I am hungry! Perhaps I could satisfy this hunger by eating... / T-Rex: ...everyone? / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you look delicious today! I would love to have you for dinner tonight! / Dromiceiomimus: W-what, you want to eat me? / T-Rex: I am going to eat everyone! / Utahraptor: You can't threaten to eat your friends! / T-Rex: Says you! / Utahraptor: Well, you CAN, but then they won't be your friends anymore. / T-Rex: Because i will have eaten them! / Utahraptor: No! Because they will eat YOU and cut you up with their pointy toenails! / T-Rex: Perhaps I will not eat my friends after all! / Utahraptor: Perhaps! / T-Rex: Perhaps!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=180
 

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