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| utahraptor is just teasing, there is nothing wrong with chocochops. | T-Rex: I am no longer worried about not having any friends if I move to a new town. I have turned a crisis into an opportunity! An opportunity... / T-Rex: ... for personal reinvention! / T-Rex: The key is that nobody will know me in this new town, which means I could be whomever I want! If I present myself as a grizzled prospector, no one will be able to say otherwise! I could be a race car driver! I could be a LIBRARY SCIENTIST.
/ Dromiceiomimus: But - you couldn't get a job at a library, bceause you wouldn't ACTUALLY know library science.
/ T-Rex: But I could pretend! / Utahraptor: So you'd move to a new town just to start a life of LIES?
/ T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: I mean no! It wouldn't be lying: it would be REINVENTION. I would be the Star Trek: The Next Generation to my present "original series".
/ Utahraptor: But instead of androids you'd have prospectors, and fake librarians. / T-Rex: Yes! In all seriousness, it would let me put behind myself aspects of my past that I'm not happy with.
/ Utahraptor: Like chocochops?
/ T-Rex: Like everything I've EVER DONE WRONG OH GOD http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=725 |
| tom waits is another good story | T-Rex: I like people whose names tell short stories, like "John Went." Where'd he go? Ha ha ha! / T-Rex: I don't know! / T-Rex: I also like people whose names are verbs, like "Pat" and "Mary," sort of. And I really like people whose names are nouns and verbs AND adjectives, like ... "Pine."
/ Dromiceiomimus: I don't think anyone's ever been named "Pine," T-Rex.
/ T-Rex: Well, perhaps the name is SO AWESOME that people are simply saving it for the appropriate child! / Utahraptor: What about people who are named for their species?
/ T-Rex: It's alright! / T-Rex: I kind of wish my name was a verb, too, though, instead of just being a noun. You can't T-Rex something. I've tried. It doesn't work.
/ Utahraptor: You can Utahraptor something though! Watch! / Narrator: SOON.
/ T-Rex: My GOODNESS. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=726 |
| it's sort of a boys vs girls regret competition, you know? you have probably been involved in one of these "at the office". | Narrator: MORE REGRET / T-Rex: I regret spilling a glass of ginger ale on an architect! / Dromiceiomimus: I regret the first time I met someone with a thick accent: she was older than I, and we had a little trouble communicating initially, because of the accent. But as I repeated myself to her I found myself unintentionally speaking both slowly AND loudly. I only did it for a little while, and as soon as I realized it I stopped, but I still felt ashamed. I was talking to her like she was dumb, just because of the accent! I was the stereotypical ignorant racist. / T-Rex: Aw MAN! Dromiceiomimus wins the regret competition AGAIN!!
/ Utahraptor: We're out of our league! / T-Rex: We need to do some Olympic-class screw ups and feel REALLY bad about them if we're ever going to win.
/ Utahraptor: I know, I know! But it seems she's got a regret for every occasion. How can we compete with that? / Narrator: LATER, PROFANELY SPYING ON DROMICEIOMIMUS:
/ T-Rex: She's just sadly staying at home, Utahraptor! Man! She's probably regretting things RIGHT NOW!
/ T-Rex: Fuck me! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=727 |
| a history of hysteria | T-Rex: Hysteria was once thought to originate in the womb ("hystera" is the Greek word for "womb"). This had the nice side-effect of making men immune to it! / Narrator: A HISTORY OF HYSTERIA / It was thought to be caused by the malfunction, or sometimes just the presence, of the uterus. Women were crazy because their wombs were so wacky! People went as far to suggest that women should not be taught, because enlarging the brain would shrink the womb, making them useless as mothers and even MORE hysterical. Treatment sometimes included genital massage! / Utahraptor: You sure know a lot about the history of hysteria, T-Rex!
/ T-Rex: It's true! / And it's why I never call a woman OR a joke "hysterical". I don't want to be accused of tacitly endorsing historically institutionalized sexism!
/ Utahraptor: Hah! I might accuse you of that just for fun.
/ T-Rex: Aw, MAN! / Narrator: T-REX DECIDES TO EXCISE THE "HYSTERA" ROOT ENTIRELY FROM HIS VOCABULARY, JUST TO BE SAFE:
/ T-Rex: So I hear you're having a minuswomb operation?
/ Off-panel stranger: Excuse me? I'm having a hysterectomy.
/ T-Rex: Yes! A "uter-b-gone".
/ T-Rex: A womboval? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 |
| alternate last panel: just some narration that reads 'ANYWAY.' | T-Rex: I saw the greatest TV show last night. It ruled! / T-Rex: It SUCKED! / T-Rex: I am using the second "it" to refer to my entire experience watching the show, of course, and not to the show in particular. The program was exactly the sort of thing I had long wanted to see on television! I HAD vaguely sort of planned to maybe try my hand at writing television, but there's no point now, because the talent behind last night's episode have accomplished all that I would have like to have done. THANKS TELEVISION INDUSTRY. / Utahraptor: I would like to extrapolate this up to the societal level!
/ T-Rex: Please do! / Utahraptor: WELL! Things are great for society but it sort of sucks for the individual, because we can flawlessly record and cheaply reproduce all transcendent artistic work. So as an artist, you no longer have to be the best in your village, you have to be the best in the world! / Utahraptor: But - I suppose it's not quite as bad as all that, since different people DO have different tastes. What was the name of this show you liked so much?
/ T-Rex: "Babies Sporting Monocles"? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=729 |
| Narrator: T-REX MISSED A TRAIN THIS MORNING: / T-Rex: Man, forget that! Time controls TOO MUCH of our modern lives. I will be the one to fight this creeping chronology by becoming its first true antithesis. Yes! I will become... / T-Rex: ... the ANTITIME! / Dromiceiomimus: Wow, the Antitime, with the full power to reverse time! will you please turn my grandmother in to a young woman again? / T-Rex: What? No, I-I don't actually control time. I'm just against the CONCEPT. / Utahraptor: So- no taking back mistakes, no solving problems before they ever occur? / T-Rex: Nope! / T-Rex: And why is everyone acting like I can suddenly control time just because I gave myself a sweet superhero name? It's surreal. / Utahraptor: Well perhaps the name gave us something to believe in, huh? Perhaps, in the end, the name was greater than the man. / Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON DINOSAUR COMICS: T-REX WISHES HE ACTUALLY HAD THE POWER TO CONTROL TIME. / T-Rex: Aw frig, my microwave popcorn!! | |
| Narrator: T-REX MISSED A TRAIN THIS MORNING: / T-Rex: Man, forget that! Time controls TOO MUCH of our modern lives. I will be the one to fight this creeping chronology by becoming its first true antithesis. Yes! I will become... / T-Rex: ... the ANTITIME! / Dromiceiomimus: Wow, the Antitime, with the full power to reverse time! will you please turn my grandmother in to a young woman again? / T-Rex: What? No, I-I don't actually control time. I'm just against the CONCEPT. / Utahraptor: So- no taking back mistakes, no solving problems before they ever occur? / T-Rex: Nope! / T-Rex: And why is everyone acting like I can suddenly control time just because I gave myself a sweet superhero name? It's surreal. / Utahraptor: Well perhaps the name gave us something to believe in, huh? Perhaps, in the end, the name was greater than the man. / Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON DINOSAUR COMICS: T-REX WISHES HE ACTUALLY HAD THE POWER TO CONTROL TIME. / T-Rex: Aw frig, my microwave popcorn!! | |
| guys if you like t-rex's poems i wrote them so i should get the credit, me, ryan | T-Rex: Dear poets, I am sorry I've been making fun of your craft for over 20 years. It is actually harder than it looks! / Narrator: AN APOLOGY TO
/ Narrator: POETS / T-Rex: I have been trying, UNSUCCESSFULLY, to write a poem for the past half hour. I am trying to capture the emotion of getting up early in winter, during a heavy snowfall, and going for a walk and coming across a set of traffic lights (the kind that switch automatically) controlling traffic that isn't there, traffic that won't be there for hours. The sense of seeing them as art, of watching them through the snowfall in the crisp dusk of a new day. / Utahraptor: So let's hear what you've written so far!
/ T-Rex: Okay, but I warn you: it is unfinished. / T-Rex: "Once upon a time / Some traffic lights did time / Colours on the snow / Where oh where did they all go?"
/ Utahraptor: Hah hah! That is definitely the worst poem I've heard all day.
/ T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well, not if I do... THIS! / T-Rex: "Dancing is crazy; fun to do / Would you like to dance? Yes, you!"
/ Utahraptor: That's actually way better than the last one.
/ T-Rex: Are there cash awards for poetry, do you know? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=731 |
| "another wacky adventure" - with the dinosaur cr? | T-Rex: Goodness, I haven't been on very many wacky adventures lately. It's time to change that! It's time for - / Narrator: "ANOTHER WACKY ADVENTURE"
/ Narrator: with t-rex! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, want to go on a wacky adventure with me?
/ Dromiceiomimus: Sure! But this will probably need some planning. We'll need to plan out what we want to do each day, and where, so we can maximize our adventure. We'll need some provisions, too.
/ T-Rex: That's - that's true. It is best to be sensible about wack adventures. Maybe I'll get back to you in a week? / Utahraptor: My friend, you have to be WACKY to go on a wacky adventure
/ T-Rex: I'm wacky! I'm ultra wacky. / Utahraptor: I don't know - it seems like a TRULY wacky guy would just set out for adventure, planning be damned. Hey - you know what? Let's just get up and go on an adventure, right now! You and me!
/ T-Rex: Well - sure! Okay! Okay, yeah, let's just - you know, set out. For adventure. / Narrator: SOON: WACKINESS!!
/ T-Rex: Hah! Diseases in the WATER? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=732 |
| on account of how it refers directly to the word it's trying to euphemize, "mc masturbation" wins the prize for worst euphemism ever. | T-Rex: Hello! You need to fall in love. / Narrator: TIME TO FALL IN LOVE, EVERYONE
/ Narrator: what is the hold up / T-Rex: Everybody needs to fall in love! To fall in love is to value another person's happiness above your own to want to be with them and make your lives together the bet they could possibly be. Are you saying you would not like to love and be loved? Of course you would. Your partner is out there looking for you. You should probably get on this. / Utahraptor: Whoa, not everyone needs to fall in love!
/ T-Rex: You are diluting our message here, UTAHRAPTOR. / Utahraptor: I'm serious! People get son hung up on finding "the one" that they forget everything else. You can have an entirely rewarding life without being "so madly in love" with someone! Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does. / T-Rex: A private room? Oh man, were you just namedropping M.C. MASTURBATION?
/ Utahraptor: You can stop calling it that anytime, T-REX.
/ Narrator: How had we gone from love to masturbation so quickly? Had this question been asked before? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 |
| ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT MISTAKES WERE MADE | God: T-REX LET'S INVENT AN AGING MACHINE
/ T-Rex: A what?
/ God: A MACHINE THAT MAKES PEOPLE AGE REAL FAST
/ God: COME ON
/ God: IT'LL RULE / Narrator: LATER:
/ T-Rex: Tada! The aging machine is completed! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, what have YOU done today? I'VE just made a machine that makes people age, with God's help!
/ Dromiceiomimus: So what's the symbolism there? Is it called "The Life Machine" or something?
/ T-Rex: No. No, that would be good but this is actually just a machine that leaks invisible cell-decaying radiation. / Utahraptor: Holy cow! Why would you build something like that?
/ T-Rex: B-Because God told me to? / Utahraptor: That's insanely dangerous, T-Rex! Geez!! I'm leaving. I don't want to be around a dude who has a LIFE-DESTROYING MACHINE nearby.
/ T-Rex: Man, you're right! What was I thinking? Well, you can REST ASSURED that I'll be taking this up with God at my earliest convenience. / Narrator: BUT LATER, ALL IS FORGOTTEN:
/ T-Rex: So yeah! That's why I can never see myself using the word "twincest".
/ God: THAT'S FAIR http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=734 |
| the green one thinks he should have more feelings | T-Rex: I am a pretty satisfactory dude, and yet sometimes, I feel incomplete. The reason for this is simple: / T-Rex: I've never been moved to tears by music! / T-Rex: We have this cultural image of some prodigy beautifully playing the piano while everyone in the audience weeps. If I were there, I could only look around in confusion! I like music, sure, and some of it is very pretty, but to cry about it? I wouldn't know where to start! With crying pills, I guess? / Utahraptor: Hey, do crying pills really exist?
/ T-Rex: You know, I have no idea! / T-Rex: Maybe they do, but they're just super spicy pills, so people's eyes well up when they bite into them. Anyway!
/ Utahraptor: Anyway! I've seen you cry at movies. / T-Rex: Man, that's just because movies have sad narratives! Music just has a bunch of notes that I am entirely unable to relate to on any emotional level. On account of my untrained ears and my magnificent manly heart? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=735 |
| ways to make someone fall in love with you comics | Narrator: WAYS TO MAKE SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
/ Narrator: in this instalment: "JUST ASKING"
/ T-Rex: Can you just ASK someone to fall in love with you? / T-Rex: Perhaps not! / T-Rex: But! If directly asking them doesn't work, what about thousands and thousands of implied requests?
/ Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean?
/ T-Rex: What if everything I did was expressly designed to make a certain someone love me? / Utahraptor: That's so manipulative, T-Rex!
/ T-Rex: It's not manipulative! It's ADORING. / Utahraptor: I don't know - I'm really not comfortable with such intent towards love! It all seems so calculating and shrewd somehow.
/ T-Rex: It's simply directing my self-development towards an end result I imagine my target would be happy with, as if to say, "how about now?" / T-Rex: Wait, did I say "my target"? I mean my soulmate! My sweetheart. My mark!
/ T-Rex: My thesis is that when a guy is like, "am I finally good enough?", chicks totally dig it? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=736 |
| t-rex bases his stories off of people he knows. tiny chef is basically a Morris The Bug culinary / competency fantasy sequence. he wrote it to cheer the li'l guy up! | T-Rex: I have written a new story, called "Make Way, Here Comes Tiny Chef!" / T-Rex: It's about a tiny chef who makes tiny food for everyone! / T-Rex: And although he's tiny in size, his food is always big on taste. Oh! And there's a scene where he cooks a big banquet for everyone, and it's really good, and everyone says thanks to him all at once, and Tiny Chef says, "Oh, it wasn't any trouble!" Then he smiles and adds, "Actually, maybe it was just a... TINY bit of trouble?" and everybody laughs. Oh, Tiny Chef! / Utahraptor: It sounds like a fun story, T-Rex!
/ T-Rex: Really! You approve! / Utahraptor: Yep! It's nice to see you writing a nice wholesome children's book for a change.
/ T-Rex: Whoah, children's book? Mine is a book for adults, Utahraptor. My market is fully-grown men and women who would like to find out just a little bit more about one very tiny chef. / T-Rex: For have we all not woken up in the morning only to ask ourselves "What is it really like, being a tiny chef in a world of regular-sized chefs? Is there no book to explore this tantalizing question?"
/ T-Rex: Friends, I have good news! The answer is no longer 'no'! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=737 |
| People might equate a weaksauce funeral with a correspondingly weaksauce dude. | T-Rex: I'm not going to leave what happens to me after I die up to others. What if they put on a weaksauce funeral? / T-Rex: People might equate a weaksauce funeral with a correspondingly weaksauce dude! / T-Rex: Worse, what if they bury me in an UNCOOL part of the graveyard?
/ Dromiceiomimus: Aww, we wouldn't do that, T-Rex! We would bury you with all the cool kids.
/ T-Rex: Perhaps! But I've decided to solve this problem ONCE AND FOR ALL by arranging my own funeral, plot and gravestone myself. Tada! / Utahraptor: This has actually been done before, my friend!
/ T-Rex: Really? / Utahraptor: Yup! It is a growing trend in the "moribund set". People get everything set up in advance! You can even visit your own grave if you want - the expiry date gets filled in when you die.
/ T-Rex: Spooky!
/ Utahraptor: Not really, since there's nothing buried there yet! It is pure FORESHADOWING. / T-Rex: Huh! It seems less cool knowing that it's been done before. But I guess I COULD still visit my grave and pretend to be a time traveler who's changed the past! The whole "Noo! I changed the past!" idea. You know?
/ T-Rex: Like I'm surprised at how sucky a time traveler I am? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=738 |
| i wanted to use 'bi-not-so-curious', but that phrase has been called by zach of animalshaveproblemstoo.com | T-Rex: Bisexuality can lead to all sorts of new and exciting self-labels! Labels like "biknowledgeable"! "Bisensitive"! / T-Rex: "Bidisillusioned!" / T-Rex: Hah hah, SWEET. Sorry it's not working out, bidisillusioned dude!!
/ Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm not sure if this is fair to bisexuals.
/ T-Rex: But Dromiceiomimus, there's also being bianxious. And being bitraumatized! BISCANDALIZATION.
/ Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex -
/ T-Rex: How BISTONISHING! / Utahraptor: I somehow doubt that real bisexuals prefix all their words with "bi", T-Rex!
/ T-Rex: Of course not! / T-Rex: It's just the verbs. And the adjectives. Anyway, I think I know what real bisexuals do.
/ Utahraptor: How's that?
/ T-Rex: For your information, I have read SEVERAL websites on the subject. / T-Rex: For instance, did you know that whenever women are alone they have pillow fights, and then they practise kissing on each other? I've seen the pictures!
/ T-Rex: I mean - I mean my friend has seen the pictures.
/ T-Rex: IT'S FOR A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=739 |
| (text-heavy) epiphany comics! aka the measure of a man, part three | Narrator: EPIPHANY COMICS
/ T-Rex: Friends are good things to have! They can help you out when you are sad (a psychological benefit), and can lend you money if you need it (an economic benefit)! / T-Rex: It is these positive benefits of having friends that concern me! / T-Rex: I'm pretty sure I like my friends because of the people they are, but what if I'm just kidding myself? What if I really just like them because they're an economic cushion - someone to bail me out, even literally, if I get into trouble?
/ Dromiciomimus: Well - I mean, you'd do the same thing for us, T-Rex.
/ T-Rex: Exactly! We hedge our bet by having friends! / Utahraptor: There are friendships that go beyond this shared benefit, T-Rex!
/ T-Rex: How so? / Utahraptor: Okay - what about "best friends forever", the people in your life who you'll know will stand by you no matter what?
/ T-Rex: They are even MORE of an economic benefit! They are get out of jail free cards, people who you can rely on in any situation. / T-Rex: Wait!! My problem's that I'm seeing any positive effect of friendship as income, and thus everyone involved in one as compromised in a conflict of interest. I would only be happy if having friends was awful! Thanks, rare and brilliant moments of perfect self-awareness! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=740 |
| you can be against terrorism AND also against the phrase 'intellectual terrorism', OKAY | T-Rex: I learnt a new phrase today! / T-Rex: "Intellectual terrorism!" / T-Rex: "I first thought it was a ridiculous phrase, both on its own and with all the phrases it suggested, like "emotional terrorism" and "pseudo-intellectual terrorism". But if ideas are powerful, then maybe you can terrorize someone with them! Maybe? Then again, "intellectual terrorism" comes very close to saying that ideas I disagree with or find distasteful are wrong, and worse, damaging and weaponized. Whatever, intellectual terrorism! / Utahraptor: How'd you hear a phrase like that?
/ T-Rex: In just the way you'd think! / T-Rex: Someone didn't like what they were reading, so they defined its contents as "terrorism". I think they were serious.
/ Utahraptor: It does sort of suggest that if someone said just the right words to you, you'd become instantly paralyzed with a life-shattering fear. / Narrator: BACKSTORY: SUCH A PHRASE EXISTS FOR T-REX, AND PEOPLE HAVE COME CLOSE TO SAYING IT IN THE PAST:
/ Someone: The special is chicken masala with rice.
/ T-Rex: I AM DEFINITELY FLIRTING WITH FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=741 |
| shout outs to david rees, mnftiu.cc! | T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for cleaning up my house. Goodness! / Narrator: BACK STORY: T-REX'S HOUSE IS MESSY? / T-Rex: I will clean it up REALLY well. I will mop the floors! I will mop the walls or whatever. I will tear the house down and REBUILD it, metaphorically speaking. I'm illustrating this metaphor by literally stomping on this house!
/ Dromiceiomimus: That's very apt, T-Rex.
/ T-Rex: Thanks! / Utahraptor: And - your metaphor includes stomping on women, somehow?
/ T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: For you see, the woman represents years of build-up of grime and dirt. By stomping on her I illustrate cleaning power - not of any household cleaner, but of simply applying yourself!
/ Utahraptor: To her.
/ T-Rex: Yes! To grime and dirt! / T-Rex: Am I the only dude who truly wishes it were possible to clean a house with METAPHORS?? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=742 |
| what else can you say? it clearly rules. | God: HEY T-REX HOW COME YOU ALWAYS SLEEP ON YOUR LEFT SIDE
/ T-Rex: Because it rules? / Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH A GOD SUDDENLY FEELS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE / God: HA HA
/ God: UM
/ God: I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE
/ Narrator: THE END / Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH UTAHRAPTOR REPRESENTS THE GEM DIAMOND TRADE
/ Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex!
/ T-Rex: Hello! / Utahraptor: I'm off to construct private prisons in Africa on my own dime, giving me access to cheap forced labour! Then I'll sell the product of this labour at hugely inflated prices, thanks to a near monopoly I've constructed. I'll also use decades of ads to convince the public that this item is absolutely necessary to express true love. / T-Rex (thinking): Aren't analogies usually non-literal? He's clearly the gem diamond trade. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=743 |
| the joke is that kids might sport just such a fake moustache while trying to illegally buy a dirty magazine! if you are unfamiliar with the cultural stereotype, well, now you know | T-Rex: Oh yes, I have an idea for the Best Victimless Prank Ever! Plus it'll give a cashier a good story to tell. Dromiceiomimus, you've got to help me on this one. / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus? / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, there you are!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Here I am!
/ T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I need your help with a prank. The prank is, we all get some really fake stick-on moustaches even though we're all of age, THEN we put them on and go into a convenience store and we all buy ADULT PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES!! Hee hee! / Narrator: SOON!
/ Utahraptor: Hey, can I get in on this prank too?
/ T-Rex: Sure can!! / Utahraptor: SWEET. I'll come in wearing a moustache after you guys leave, but I'll just buy some milk! That way, the guy at the cash'll be expecting me to hilariously buy some pornos, but no, I'll just buy the milk. Maybe some cheese.
/ T-Rex: Let's do it! / Narrator: LATER: A MOMENT OF REFLECTION.
/ T-Rex: Buying this magazine made me feel dirty and ashamed! Have I once again thoughtlessly aided the exploitation of our nation's topless lesbian teens? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=744 |
| in panel 1, you can read it as though t-rex is personally asking superman or batman who, out of anyone, would win in a generic fight! YOU ARE NOT ENCOURAGED TO DO THIS. | T-Rex: Who would win in a fight, Superman or Batman? / T-Rex: The answer is "Batman"! / T-Rex: Anyone who doubts this need only remember that Batman is really smart, and that they're probably wrong.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Superman has strength!
/ T-Rex: Batman has BATMAN SKILLS. / Utahraptor: Man, Superman could kill Batman before Bats even knew the fight had started!
/ T-Rex: Oh, he'd know. / Utahraptor: Only because you're assuming he's omniscient. The dude has to sleep! Sueprman could laser him from orbit while he's having nappy times.
/ T-Rex: Batman doesn't have "nappy times"!!
/ Utahraptor: Sure he does! / Utahraptor: Every time he sleeps he puts a sign on his dor that says "Warning: Nappy Times! Enter only if you have a valid passport to dreamland!"
/ T-Rex: OH GOD
/ T-Rex: OUR FRIENDSHIP HAS NEVER BEEN SO ENDANGERED http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=745 |
| asexual predator | T-Rex: Ladies, your attention please! Are you aware that I'm a predator? Don't you find that ATTRACTIVE? Perhaps, yes? And what if I told you I was not JUST a predator, but also a grade-A... / T-Rex: ...SEXUAL predator?? / Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, T-Rex! What the heck are you doing, making jokes about sexual predators?
/ T-Rex: What? I'm not making jo- OH MY GOODNESS. I honestly didn't even think that it could be read that way! I meant it in the sense of like, a basketball player and then a grade-A SEXUAL basketball player. Not in the sex offender sense! / T-Rex: Aw man!! That's the end of me!
/ Utahraptor: How's that? / T-Rex: Well - the real meaning of "sexual predator" honestly didn't occur to me until Dromiceiomimus pointed it out, and I had already, um, sort of registered myself on websites dedicated towards keeping track of sexual predators.
/ Utahraptor: Yep! That would be the end of you! / Narrator: LATER:
/ T-Rex: Dear audio diary: today I may have accidentally registered myself as a sex offender! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=746 |
| t-rex has had a change of heard since he last heard this joke. now he thinks it's pretty alright! | Narrator: FUNNY JOKES
/ Narrator: A COMIC WITH FUNNY JOKES
/ T-Rex: All right! / T-Rex: Time for some funny jokes! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, here's a funny joke. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a drink and a mop!
/ Dromiceiomimus: That's not a very funny joke!
/ T-Rex: Perhaps you are just listening to it wrong! It's funny because skeletons have no internal organs. Hah hah hah! How is he animate? Why is he thirsty? It sure raises some funny questions! / Narrator: LATER:
/ T-Rex: Man, forget her! Animate skeletons are INHERENTLY FUNNY.
/ Utahraptor: Even if they're not thirsty? / T-Rex: Of course! I should be able to say "animate skeleton" and people should just start laughing. For my encore I could say "He's thirsty! What a thirsty, thirsty animate skeleton!"
/ Utahraptor: Imagine that!
/ T-Rex: Right! "Imagine that!" / T-Rex: Hmm...!
/ [[T-Rex has a thought bubble with a skeleton inside]]
/ Skeleton: I'm really thirsty you guys http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=747 |
| the cars are NOT anthropomorphized. they are hyper realisitic and the game requires the latest graphics hardware to play. | T-Rex: Hey, have they ever made a video game where you get to control a car and your goal is to get it to grow up into a bigger car? / T-Rex: Because they TOTALLY should! / Narrator: LATER:
/ T-Rex: And so it's like - you need to care for your car to make it grow up into a truck and then an SUV and if you're lucky a monster truck. Maybe a plane. Weird cars grow up into boats.
/ Dromiceiomimus: So it's like a pet, but instead of being cute, it pollutes?
/ T-Rex: Yes! People are TIRED of animals as pets. They want cars that age! I know because I played a game once and that's what I wanted. / Utahraptor: But what's the gameplay mechanic? How does it work?
/ T-Rex: Dude, I already said! / T-Rex: You take care of little cars and then they grow up into awesome cars or stupid-lookin' boats. The end! Fifty points!
/ Utahraptor: What do you actually DO in the game, though? Do I take my car on nice country drives? Give it drinks of gas and feed it nice oil treats? / T-Rex: "Oil treats"? Come on! It's called "CHANGING THE OIL", and it gets you a +1 happiness in Car Car Simulator Trucko Boat 3.
/ T-Rex: Will no-one make my video game dream a fevered reality? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=748 |
| there's a hidden shout out to a pretty secure transport protocol in panel 3, ladies! | Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE DROMICEIOMIMUS HAS A SECRET SUPERHERO IDENTITY, BUT T-REX SERIOUSLY KEEPS BLABBING ABOUT IT TO PEOPLE: / T-Rex: What a beautiful, crime-free, vigilante-filled day! / T-Rex: Oh, hellow, Dromiceiomimus! I hear you had a. . . SUPER day today?
/ Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, sshhh! Keep your voice down!
/ T-Rex: Whoops, right! I gotcha. I will keep things "on the down low". It's our secret! Our secret IDENTITY!
/ T-Rex: Our - our secret. / Narrator: SCANT SECONDS LATER:
/ Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex!
/ T-Rex: Hey! / T-Rex: Hey, have you seen Dromiceiomimus today? I hear she's got a secret! A secret one might even classify as. . . "super"?
/ Utahraptor: Are you saying what I think you're saying?!
/ T-Rex: No, I'm just SUGGESTING that if a building falls on you, you might want to call her first. / Narrator: LATER:
/ T-Rex: I seriously just can't stop blabbing about Dromiceiomimus's secret identity! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=749 |
| a google image search for 'sucky dog' is actually pretty disappointing | T-Rex: I have finally come up with a way to become immortal! It's perfect, because I don't have to do anything except DIE, and I was already probably going to do that anyway! / T-Rex: Yes, all I have to do is be reincarnated. Indefinitely! / T-Rex: Isn't that great, Dromiceiominus? We can have this conversation as many times as we want! I can stomp on things forever!
/ Dromiceiomimus: well - what form of reincarnation are you talking about here? A lot of people believe that if you're bad in this life, you might come back as a lower animal the next time, like a sucky dog or a poo bug.
/ T-Rex: AW MAN! Sucky dogs? POO bugs?? / T-Rex: Poo bugs are SCIENTIFICALLY the lamest sorts of bugs!
/ Utahraptor: And you're still stomping! / T-Rex: Well, I can't stop now! Besides if I DO come back as a poo bug, then there's not much damage I can do, right? Maybe I'll get stomped on by some other dude pretty quickly and it'll be so TRAGIC that next time I get to be an awesome T-Rex again.
/ Utahraptor: I don't think that's how karma works. / Narrator: THREE LIFETIMES LATER:
/ T-Rex: Success!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=750 |
| absolutely eating potato chips is when you eat them with a furious intensity | T-Rex: I have a secret! The secret is that I absolutely ate potato chips last night instead of a real dinner. / T-Rex: Nobody must ever find out my AWESOME SECRET! / Narrator: SOON:
/ T-Rex: So, Dromiceiomimus - what's up?
/ Dromiceiomimus: Not much!
/ T-Rex: That's cool, that's cool. Listen, I believe that it's critically important to have three square meals a day, okay? That's what *I* believe.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Okay, T-Rex.
/ T-Rex: Awesome. / T-Rex: Well, that should throw her off the trail!
/ Utahraptor: Throw who off which trail? / T-Rex: Oh! Um... throw... women, off the trail of my - feelings?
/ Utahraptor: Playing it cool, I see!
/ T-Rex: You know it! / Narrator: LATER: MORE LIES, FOR NO REAL REASON
/ T-Rex: Man, that movie ROCKED, right guys? / Offscreen commentator(s): Not really!
/ T-Rex: I dunno...I liked it! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=751 |
| big ups to flattering swimsuits | T-Rex: Dear guy whose car alarm went off last night outside my window at three in the morning: / T-Rex: Forget you, man! / T-Rex: Your car alarm is ridiculous. Years of trigger-happy alarms have trained the public to ignore them, and nobody would care if your tastelessly noisy car got stolen anyway. If someone had driven off in it last night as the alarm was blaring, I would have applauded him! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY SENSE OF CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY. / Utahraptor: Would you really have been happy if the car got stolen?
/ T-Rex: The honest answer is "heck yes!" / T-Rex: I would have smiled as I drifted back to nappy times. But in my defence, I was really tired! Plus, the guy was a jerk. He was all, "Man, if my car gets stolen, I want the WHOLE BLOCK to know! My car is totally important to everybody."
/ Utahraptor: Maybe the alarm came with the car? / Narrator: ANYWAY, THEY TALK ABOUT CAR ALARMS FOR A WHILE, UNTIL A REALLY ATTRACTIVE FRIEND OF THEIRS SHOWS UP!
/ T-Rex: Oh man! Let's go to the beach and hang out in flattering swimsuits!
/ Attractive Friend: Sounds like fun, guys!
/ T-Rex: Now THIS is what I call "an interesting narrative"! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=752 |
| embarrassing stories comics | T-Rex: It's time for some embarrassing stories! / Narrator: EMBARRASSING STORIES COMICS / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you have any EMBARRASSING STORIES you feel like sharing?
/ Dromiceiomimus: None that I feel comfortable telling right now!
/ T-Rex: Well! I suppose that's fair. I did kind of put you on the spot. Maybe - maybe next time! / T-Rex: And maybe UTAHRAPTOR will have some embarrassing stories!
/ Utahraptor: Nope! I've got nothing. / T-Rex: MAN! I don't want to be the only dude with an embarrassing past. You must have something!
/ Utahraptor: One time I got a little lost while driving in a new town.
/ T-Rex: That is so BARELY embarrassing. / God: T-REX ONE TIME UTAHRAPTOR DRANK TOO MUCH MILK AND WAS UP ALL NIGHT BEING SICK
/ T-Rex: I've actually done that too!
/ God: YOU GUYS
/ God: YOU OUGHT TO GET TVS OR SOMETHING http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=753 |
| based on a true story :( | T-Rex: The saddest thing I can imagine is a kid who's very sick, but who still loves to play marbles in the park! He's got a mobile IV, and one day it gets stuck in a storm drain on the way to the park, and in trying to free it, he loses all his marbles in the sewer. / T-Rex: Aww! I'm sorry, imaginary dude! / Dromiceiomimus: That is pretty sad, T-Rex! If you want some advice, my secret to making things sad has always been in filling out the background details. If the parents gave the kid the marbles BEFORE he got sick, and if this simple luxury was the last they could afford before the medical bills started coming in, that makes it more sad, I think!
/ T-Rex: It's true! Huh! Thanks for the advice, Dromiceiomimus. / Utahraptor: And you could make it even sadder by turning the boy into a puppy!
/ T-Rex: Huh? / Utahraptor: A puppy! My secret to sadness has always been to take something sad, and then imagine it's happening to a poor little puppy dog with a broken leg.
/ T-Rex: It TOTALLY works! I just thought that losing a job would be sad, but a poor little injured puppy losing its job? That's heartbreaking! / Narrator: LATER: T-REX TURNS UP THE CHARM!
/ T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I've come up with a new saddest thing ever!
/ Dromiceiomimus: What's that, T-Rex?
/ T-Rex: A universe where we never became friends.
/ T-Rex: Awww!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Awww! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=754 |
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