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live every day like it's your last OKAY T-Rex: "Live every day like it's your last." How hard could it be? / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Upon closer inspection, forget THAT noise! / T-Rex: I'm not going to live my life according to a dumb clich? saying, and anyway, IF I DID, it would be ridiculous because I'd either end up spending each day in increasing terror trying to do something universally memorable, or, more heartwarming, spending each and every day thanking my friends for their love and watching the sunset while quietly weeping! NO THANKS. / Utahraptor: So you're not going to do either of those things today? / T-Rex: I guarantee it! / Utahraptor: Ah well! That's too bad. Dromiceiomimus and I had some plans tonight to watch the sunset while quietly weeping. We were going to invite you, but nope! / T-Rex: You know what? I find the existence of those plans DOUBTFUL. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Oh man, a sunset! Boo hoo hoo!
later: economic ruin T-Rex: I will become rich and famous by becoming the world's best baker. My flagship product will be brilliant! It will be rich, delicious, low-fat... / T-Rex: ...gender rolls! / T-Rex: Hee hee! Get it , Dromiceiomimus? They're rolls, like bun rolls, but also GENDER rolls! / Dromiceiomimus: So they're shaped like naughty bits? / T-Rex: No, those are sex rolls. Gender rolls are shaped like housewives and firemen! / Utahraptor: And shaped rolls will make you rich and famous? / T-Rex: Dude, it is certain! / T-Rex: They're animal crackers for a new generation. Come on! It's a great pun, PLUS, every time you go into my bakery you can choose your own gender roll! It's brilliant! / Utahraptor: Do people HAVE to choose a gender roll? / T-Rex: They do if they want to use the washrooms, dammit. / T-Rex: Ha! I have made a hilarious typographic error! / T-Rex: BUT HOW TO PROFIT FROM IT?
t-rex has a telling analogy for relationship problems in panel 1 T-Rex: I have started a radio show! It is an advice show. People can call me and I will give them advice on all of their problems, from being locked out of their house to being EMOTIONALLY locked out of their house in a RELATIONSHIP. / T-Rex: I call it, "I Know! I'll Ask T-Rex About My Stupid Problems!" / Dromiceiomomimus: Do you think people will call into a show with that title, T-Rex? They'd be, you know, tacitly admitting that their problems are stupid. / T-Rex: This is a good thing! Stupid problems, like "I bought too much mayonnaise", are easy to solve. (The solution is to give away, return, or consume the extra mayonnaise.) / Utahraptor: But what if people call in with real problems? / T-Rex: Easy: my mom answers them! / T-Rex: We're going to team up. I'll answer the silly questions, and there'll be a feature called "Ask T-Rex's Mom", where she'll answer all the hard questions. Moms are really good at things like that. / Utahraptor: That's a really charming answer! / Narrator: LATER, RECORDING "ASK T-REX'S MOM"! / T-Rex's Mom: Dear Stranded On The Moon, that's an interesting problem you have there. It's almost as interesting as how a full grown T-Rex could forget Mother's Day! / T-Rex: Aw MOM!
4:59 Devil: GREETINGS T-REX ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH SPEED RUNS / T-rex: Only in the drug slang sense, which I'm probably inventing right now! / T-rex: Is it when people do a lot of "speed" and then run around? / Devil: NEGATIVE IT IS MORE ACCURATELY WHEN ONE BESTS A VIDEO GAME IN THE SMALLEST POSSIBLE TIME / Devil: I HAVE BEEN DOING A SPEED RUN FOR THE FIRST MARIO BROTHERS FAME AND I CAN ASSURE YOU MY BEST TIME SO FAR VERGES ON INSANELY FLABBERGASTING / T-rex: So this is like a skill people develop? / Devil: INDEED IT IS AKIN TO A VIRTUOSO PIANO PERFORMANCE IN EVERY REGARD / T-rex: Well, I guess that WOULD be kind of neat to see! / Utahraptor: What would? / T-rex: Seeing someone go through a video game as fast as they can. The Devil tells me these are called "speed runs". / Utahraptor: Is he talking about machine-aided runs where you slow down the game and restore, or unassisted runs? / T-rex: Um - he didn't specify? / Devil: T-REX PLEASE INFORM YOUR COMPANION THAT DABBLING IN MACHINE-ASSISTED RUNS IS THE ULTIMATE FORM OF HERESY / T-rex: I guess you'd know about that, huh? Cause of the whole "religion" thing? / Devil: T-REX / Devil: PLEASE TRY TO FOCUS ON THE TOPIC AT HAND
MORAL: If you are in trouble with someone, you could probably do worse that prepare them dinner? T-Rex: There are some phrases, usually joined by "and" or "or", that we always say the same way even though it would make logical sense to say them another way. For example: "I am sick and tired of these phrases!" / T-Rex: Or am I merely... TIRED AND SICK of them? / T-Rex: Eh, Dromiceiomimus? Pretty awesome! By saying the words of these phrases in UNPOPULAR order, I subvert people's expectations AND the bolts and nuts of language itself! / Dromiceiomimus: That's nice, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Aw, you're not interested? You just want some quiet and peace? You're not falling for this sinker, line, and hook? / Utahraptor: So - at the end of the day, what does this prove, T-Rex? / T-Rex: That I have BLOWN PEOPLE'S MINDS?? / T-Rex: Also: that I have played loose and fast with language. / Utahraptor: Yeah, I mean, I get what you're doing, but what's the point? / T-Rex: The POINT, my friend, is - that you should come over for dinner tonight? / Narrator: LATER: ALL PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED WITH INVITATIONS TO DINNER: / Police [[out of frame]]: THIS IS THE POLICE, T-REX! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATIONS. / T-Rex: Maybe you'd all like to come and have some dinner first? / Police: Sweet!
yeah so this is why i don't write action movies anymore T-Rex: Sleeping with the window open: second best thing ever? / T-Rex: OR, absolutely the BEST thing ever?? / Dromiceiomimus: Man, you must really like sleeping with the window open,T-Rex! / T-Rex: Sure do! I love getting a fresh breeze on my face and smelling the dew on the grass or whatever that night-time smell is. It's great! In summary and in conclusion: if there's a sleeping with the window open fan club, sign me up to be EL PRESIDENTE. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A DYSTOPIAN FUTURE! / Utahraptor: We're out of food! / T-Rex: And ammo! / Utahraptor: What will we do? Someone will kill us soon to take our supplies and eat us probably! / T-Rex: We're doomed! Damn this dystopian future! What kind of world have we made for our children?? / T-Rex: Sleeping with the window open still rules, though! / Utahraptor: Obviously!!
the big nice day party T-Rex: Man - it's a totally awesome day today! And it will probably be a totally awesome evening too, and perhaps even a totally awesome night. / T-Rex: Yes, today is looking up! / Dromeceiomimus: It is indeed the first really nice day of spring, T-Rex! / T-Rex: You know what? We should have a party tonight at my place, just because it's so nice. Could you come? / Dromeceiomimus: I could and I will! / T-Rex: AWESOME. / Utahraptor: I'll be there too, T-Rex! This'll be fun! / T-Rex: Sweet! / T-Rex: It'll be pretty mellow, but I will be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN to buy some delicious snacks, so we can have tasty things to eat! Everyone loves tasty things! / Utahraptor: Sounds great! / T-Rex: I, in particular, sincerely enjoy tasty things. / Narrator: BUT, SECONDS BEFORE EVERYONE ARRIVES: / T-Rex: Aw man! I SERIOUSLY FORGOT TO BUY ANY SNACKS. I am the worst party host ever! / T-Rex: Am I now to live in a world where all my future impulses towards spontaneity will be tempered by no small measure of regret?
how did i get 700 comics in without ever using 'viz.' before. T-REX IN: "FLOWERS IN RELATIONSHIPS" / T-Rex: I am against giving your sweetie flowers when you are in a relationship. Oh God! Think of the symbolism! / T-Rex: The horrible symbolism! / Dromiceiomimus: What symbolism? They just show that you care! / T-Rex: No way! They represent AFFECTION, right? They represent your love. But they die in like a week, no matter what you do! I don't need no punkass flowers reminding me that everything beautiful dies sooner than I want to believe. / Utahraptor: So what do you do when you want to give a loved one a present that is alive? / T-Rex: I buy POTTED PLANTS. / T-Rex: They're still in the ground, so they last for years! Tada! / Utahraptor: Yeah, but they'll still die eventually! All that's changed is that NOW your sweetie has to care for the plants until then, as they represent your relationship in much the same way the flowers did! / T-Rex: True! However, the plants now ALSO serve as a constant reminder of me and how I need water (viz., smooches)! / T-Rex: I am writing a book called "Relentless Reminders of Physical Neediness: Maybe She'll Like You Now?"
does today truly mark the day all my fake lesbian friends start getting called 'sweeps week'? T-Rex: Here are some of the worst things I've ever done by accident! ACCIDENT ONE: slapped someone right in the face! / T-Rex: Kapow! / Dromiceiomimus: How was that an accident? / T-Rex: I didn't see them there, that's all! / Dromiceiomimus: And - what? You were just slapping the space around you to pass the time? / T-Rex: WHO CAN SAY? All we really know for sure is that it was DEFINITELY an accident. / Utahraptor: Man, that was ME you slapped in the face, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Hah! Accidentally! / Utahraptor: It was only an "accident" after the fact. Before the fact, you were like, "Hey, Utahraptor, I'm going to slap you in the face. I have been planning this slap for weeks and only now does my plan reach fruition!" / T-Rex: Man, such slander! You're parents should have named YOU "Sweeps Week". / T-Rex: By that, I mean to say that you are doing something controversial and exciting in order to get higher ratings! I'm likening you to a TV show. / T-Rex: We cool?
man! what's the deal? T-Rex: Primitivism is the artistic and cultural idea that prehistorical and tribal societies were, and are, better that modern societies. / T-Rex: Okay guys! Whatever! / T-Rex: The trouble I have with primitivism is the half-assed way it's always evoked: it's this simplified idea of "primitive" cultures, where some things get highlighted while a lot of detail gets ignored or obliterated completely. All the women were totally topless and all the men wore body paint and hunted with spears! Life was good in the forest! / T-Rex: Primitivism has this strange semi-positive racism attached to it too. / Utahraptor: Semi-positive? / T-Rex: Yeah! You exaggerate traits as you often do with racism, but you make them positive things instead of negative. Natives were better because they were all stoic and noble and loved Mother Nature. Okay, great, but what if you're native and you're not like that? / Utahraptor: Comedy ensues! / Utahraptor (offscreen): Whoah, did I say "comedy"? I meant to say "an encounter with prejudice about model minorities". / T-Rex: Man, you're always screwing those two up!!
AN APOLOGY TO FURRIES: sorry i don't draw my female dinosaurs with knockers T-Rex: I wonder what it's like, being an attractive woman. Would I be tired of guys coming up and talking to me just because I'm pretty? Or would I rather find it flattering? / Narrator: WHAT IF T-REX WERE A CHICK COMICS / Dromiceiomimus: You'd also have to deal with sexual prejudice, T-Rex! All your bragging about your sexual prowess and "memorable lovemaking techniques" would probably make people think you're kind of slutty! / T-Rex: No! / Dromiceiomimus: Yes! Some people, anyway. / T-Rex: But - I'm not slutty! / utahraptor: Well, you talk like you are, sometimes! / Utahraptor: You're always all, "Feelings are boring. Kissing is awesome!" You should make yourself a shirt that says that and wear it all the time. / T-Rex: I would honestly wear a shirt that says that. / Utahraptor: I know! That's totally why I'm suggesting it. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE IS AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: / T-Rex: Spring break!!
CONFESSION CORNER: i am a dude who will probably never get a real chance to shout "hold the front page!", and sometimes that makes me very sad. T-Rex: Zombies! Everyone loves zombies. They are a window onto the Other! They let us face our fears of society in a way that is accessible and compelling, as well as accessibly and compellingly cannibalistic! / God: HEY T-REX CAN YOU SUMMARIZE THAT IN ONE SENTENCE FOR ME / T-Rex: T-Rex loves zombies! / T-Rex: I think what I love best about them is when they're used to represent mindless behaviour in our own society. For example, if instead of me, we saw a ZOMBIE DINOSAUR stomping on this house, then wow! Suddenly stomping on things is highlighted as maybe something we should think about more! Are we really acting that thoughtless when we stomp on things? Thanks for the eye opener, dinosaur zombies! / Utahraptor: I bet you like all your social commentary to incorporate endless hunger for the flesh of the living! / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: When feasible, anyway. I ALSO really like it when zombies catch someone and tear them apart, and the person is all "O no, zombies! My day is ruined!" / Utahraptor: PERSONALLY, I really like how when you wanted something zombies could show as "bad", you chose stomping on things. / T-Rex: Man, that's just because it was a convenient example! I am still ENTIRELY IN FAVOUR of stomping on things. / T-Rex: In other news, will the illustrative power of zombies forever be fumbled in my mighty hands?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO FASCINATED BY ANOTHER PERSON'S PET. T-Rex: Occam's razor is a principle of simplicity! It says that one should always choose the simplest explanation for something, when given a choice between competing theories of different complexity. / Narrator: OCCAM'S RAZOR COMICS / T-Rex: Anyway, yeah! / T-Rex: It makes sense! / Utahraptor: That's all you have to say about Occam's razor? / T-Rex: Yep! As I say, it makes sense. / Utahraptor: Huh! Well, I mean - I agree. There's no reason to prefer a more complex explanation when a simpler one has equal predictive power. / T-Rex: INDEED. / T-Rex: Hooray for Occam's Razor! / Narrator: LATER: NOBODY FRIGGIN' CARES ABOUT OCCAM'S RAZOR / T-Rex: Holy crap, is that a pet duck? How do you go about getting a pet duck? / T-Rex: I MUST OWN ONE.
a comic with shouts out to both the cradle of civilization and the MRCA but no mitochondrial eve, hollah T-Rex: Time to go back in time and visit the CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION. / Narrator: SOON: THE PAST? / T-Rex: Radical! / T-Rex: Wait, Dromiceiomimus? What are you doing here? I was trying to go back in time to visit the CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION. / Dromiceiomimus: And what, screw things up? You'd probably end up stomping on the woman from which all our species are descended. / T-Rex: I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY THOSE PLANS. / Utahraptor: Wait, you were seriously planning that?! / T-Rex: No! Maybe! I don't know! / T-Rex: I just wanted to visit the most recent common ancestor for all of us - the woman from whom we are all descended, and, you know, chat her up. / Utahraptor: If you messed things up it would completely change the present! If her kids didn't multiply somebody else's would, and everyone alive today would NEVER BE BORN. / Utahraptor: Also, you want to chat someone up just because she's related to you? That's incest, my friend! / T-Rex: My God, is that what "chat up" means?! / T-Rex: I - / T-Rex: My God.
t-rex came up with the phrase in grade 2, and you have to say it out loud. they're ghost pubes or something, i don't know T-Rex: I have a new philosophy which is terrible AND compelling – arguably, the best kind of philosophy! Okay, so! Some dudes are stronger and/or smarter than other dudes, right? / T-Rex: Right! There are some tough and smart dudes! / T-Rex: BUT, none of them are so tough or so smart as to not be afraid of death (here we are ignoring sage Buddhist dudes who are probably not actually afraid of death). So! In a state of nature, everyone wants to avoid being killed, and so will defend themselves when faced with death. But since we need resources like food and water to live, and they're not infinite, we are constantly warring with one another for access to them. / T-Rex: Everyone is fighting everyone in and ENDLESS BATTLE FOR SURVIVAL! / Utahraptor: And the only way out? / T-Rex: That's for us to realize that war sucks (it makes us die too), and so to give up a little of our freedom in exchange for an ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY who will ensure internal peace and common defence. Tada! / Utahraptor: Wow, you've entirely ripped off Hobbes' Leviathan, in which he says EXACTLY THIS. / T-Rex: Not exactly this! He also says that life in the state of nature was "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short", a compelling phrase unmatched by my poor offering of "sage Buddhist dudes". But I have a better phrase! / T-Rex: Is it once again time... FOR "SPOOKY PUBES"??
hey so um how about that cultural obsession with true love huh T-Rex: Here's something that I, T-Rex the talking dinosaur, have trouble believing in: true love! / Narrator: T-REX AND FRIENDS DISCUSS: TR? L?V / T-Rex: The problem I have is that so many people claim to have found if, but the odds that you'd ever meet that one person AND that they'd be available, willing, and of the right gender and sexual orientation are really pretty small. CONCLUSION: a lot of people must be faking it! / Dromiceiomimus: But "true love" doesn't mean that there's only one person you can have it with! / T-Rex: Debatable! People often talk about finding "the one". / Utahraptor: I think that you're being too strict about this, T-Rex! / T-Rex: How's that? / Utahraptor: You're reading it as if there's one "true" person that "true love" can refer to, meaning that you've got ONE CHANCE for total happiness in the world, and loving anyone else is just settling for second place or worse! I've always seen it as referring to, say, how a wheel can be true, when it spins perfectly and doesn't wobble. / Narrator: TALKING ABOUT LOVE: NOT THE SAME AS ACTUALLY BEING IN LOVE / T-Rex: Hey, since when do you come up with such nice analogies for true love? / Utahraptor [[outside the panel]]: It has always been my special power! / T-Rex: Man! LUCKY.
Being Tall T-Rex: Being tall in a world designed for average people can be sucky sometimes! / T-Rex: On account of the occasional back pain, that is! / Dromiceiomimus: Whoa, you get back pain? Mr. "I'm So Tough I Barely Miss Having Feelings?" / T-Rex: Sometimes! Only when I do the dishes. It's just because the counters at my house are designed for "norms", so I have to bend over to wash things in the sink! / T-Rex: ("Norms" is what I call normal people, AND sets of guys named "Norm".) / Utahraptor: Hey, can we segue this into talking about disabilities? / T-Rex: Sure, I guess! / T-Rex: ALTHOUGH, I'd rather if we didn't. There's a lot of issues and politics around disabilities (can deafness be something to be proud of? What do you make of strangers who volunteer to push you in your wheelchair?), and I'd rather not get involved in the debate via my being "super tall". / Utahraptor: Okay nevermind! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS INVOLVED IN THE DEBATE ANYWAY: / Moderator: Be it resolved that deaf couples should not be encouraged to adopt children who can hear. / T-Rex: HEY AN AUDIENCE MEMBER HAS SOME OPINIONS HE'D LIKE TO SHARE / T-Rex: ME / T-Rex: I'M THE AUDIENCE MEMBER
based, it would seem, on an embarrassing true story T-Rex: Is it possible to imagine something SO INSANELY DISGUSTING that I actually, physically, throw up? Is my imagination that powerful? / T-Rex: I actually don't think I ever want to find out! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you ever approach something new, and sort of decide if you want to be really good at it, or just a dabbler? / Dromiceiomimus: Sometimes, I guess! / T-Rex: Yeah, I do that sometimes too. You know? Like with painting. I don't think I even WANT to be that good at it. I just like my na?ve enjoyment of it. / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor: T-Rex! We'll be late for the movie!! / T-Rex: Just a sec just a sec! / Utahraptor: Man, come on! It starts at 9:20 and it's almost nine now and it'll take us about twenty minutes to get there! The ads they play before the film won't last forever!! / T-Rex: Okay, okay! Just a sec! / Narrator: YEARS LATER: / T-Rex: Aw, darn it! GROSS!
dude kinda undermines himself in panel 5 T-Rex: SOCIoLOGICAL THEORY: We, as a people, have lost the "big picture", worrying more about problems at home than problems that affect us on a planetary scale! We have lost a sense of global purpose. And I have proof! / T-Rex: Proof in the form of lyrics from POPULAR MUSIC, baby! / Dromiceiomimus: What makes you think this, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Popular music! I just said. Popular music. Because in the 60s it was all, "everyone around the world, join hands", but recently, it's all "people in the house, say 'wayoooh'" or whatever. We are singularly focused on rooms in houses and have forgotten the rest of the world! Theory: incontestably proven? / Utahraptor: Theory: probably just an attempt to somehow pick up chicks by T-Rex? / T-Rex: No way dude! / T-Rex: My theory is both funny AND accurate, and I believe you diss stems from the fact that you're JUST JEALOUS of how I pick up chicks with my fine, fine theories. / Utahraptor: What chick? Where are all the chicks? We're two dudes and we're alone! / T-Rex: I told you before! THEIR CAR BROKE DOWN. The chicks were all coming to hang out with me in the same car to save on gas, and it broke down. That is what happens to cars sometimes! / T-Rex: Even chicks are subject to ENTROPY, man.
in panel 4, the author reminds himself of some important Dinosaur Facts. [[T-Rex's dialog is in a thought bubble]] / T-Rex: People probably find sleeping in the fetal position comfortable because it reminds them of the womb / T-Rex: Wait, I'm a brilliant psychologist! ALL COMFORT COMES FROM THE WOMB! / T-Rex: People find hugs comforting because it reminds them of the tight squeeze of the womb! My kisses are popular because they remind people of amniotic fluid in the womb. / Dromiceiomimus: I think you may be doing something wrong if your kisses remind people of amniotic fluid, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Perhaps! But that is a topic for ANOTHER TIME / Utahraptor: What about people who came from eggs? Like, for example, EVERY DINOSAUR EVER. / T-Rex: Right, right! / T-Rex: Well, I think my points are still valid. I don't know about you, but I do sleep in the "egg fetus" position. / Utahraptor: And your kisses are yolky? / T-Rex Besides being amniotic fluidy, YES, my kisses are memorably yolky. / Narrator: AFTER THIS, WILL ANYONE EVER KISS T-REX AGAIN? LETS FIND OUT: / T-Rex: Yes, they will! / Narrator: HAH! AWESOME
crazy utahraptor! how did your crazy ass get in here? T-Rex: I don't want anything bad to happen to my friends! I don't want anything bad to happen to people who aren't my friends either, but I don't want anything bad to happen to my friends IN PARTICULAR. / Narrator: T-REX, UTAHRAPTOR AND DROMICEIOMIMUS STAR IN: COMICS! / T-Rex: The odds are that SOMEONE I know will be a victim of theft or crime or an accident or even violence, and that sucks, because there's basically nothing I can do to stop it! / Dromiceiomimus: You COULD stop it if you had absolute dominion over time and space, T-Rex. / T-Rex: You know I don't!! / Utahraptor: You can't really live your life in fear of bad things happening, my friend! / T-Rex: Oh, it's not fear. / T-Rex: It's just - a preemptive sadness, I guess? Melancholy. By "melancholy" I mean "a thoughtful sadness" as opposed to the archaic definition ("a black bile once believed to be excreted by the kidneys"). / Utahraptor: I got that from context, yeah. / Narrator: EPILOGUE: / T-Rex: I stomped on people while talking about how sad it is when bad things happen! This is an example of "dramatic irony". / Utahraptor: No it's not! / T-Rex: Utahraptor, you crazy dude! What are you doing in my epilogue?
robbing a cartoon bank runs the risk of sending you to cartoon jail, where you are legally obliged to hold the bars of your cell while peering outwards with a big frown T-Rex: I've come up with the best idea ever! Oh my goodness. LAUNDRY BAGS WITH GIANT GREEN DOLLAR SIGNS ON THEM. Hah hah! Am I robbing a bank in a cartoon or am I doing my laundry? / T-Rex: IT IS DIFFICULT TO TELL! / Dromiceiomimus: Are you planning to sell these bags to people who want to turn every laundry day into a chance for arrest, AND ALSO to those nostalgic for the charming visual shorthands of early cartoons? / T-Rex: I am indeed! Or at least, I was indeed, until I realized that you could just make your own with just a little fabric paint and a working knowledge of what dollar signs looks like. / Utahraptor: I actually think this has been done before, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Aw man, really? / T-Rex: I did kinda suspect it might've been done before, since it seemed like a really funny idea, but I've never seen any such laundry bags! I'll just claim to have INDEPENDENTLY invented them. / Utahraptor: Like how Alexander Graham Bell and that other dude both independently invented the telephone! / T-Rex: Yes! I will be that other dude! I will be forever immortalized as a "second place finisher" in history. / T-Rex: Wait, no, that sucks!
telling secrets about all your friends and deities comics! T-Rex: Utahraptor is afraid of ghosts! / T-Rex: Hah hah hah! Spoooooky! / T-Rex: Utahraptor is afraid of ghosts and his favourite song is "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers. / Dromiceiomimus: I never knew that about him! / T-Rex: It's true! He also bakes way too many cookies whenever he's baking treats and then when he's done he freezes the extras for later. / Utahraptor: I don't do any of those things! / T-Rex: Sure you do! / T-Rex: But allow me to distract you with some facts about Dromiceiomimus : she really likes all kinds of boats. AND, and, she's afraid of heights sometimes! / Utahraptor: Hah hah! Really? / T-Rex: Yep! / God: ZERO OF THESE FACTS ARE TRUE T-REX / T-Rex: I am making life interesting! Also, did you know the Devil likes grape juice from concentrate? / God:HAH HAH MAN HE PROBABLY DOES EH
t-rex actually has been talking to the devil. he stole this idea from the devil. i - i stole this idea from the devil. T-Rex: Wouldn't it be totally neat if life was more like a text-based adventure game? / T-Rex: "You look around and see that the answer is yes!" / T-Rex: It'd be great because people would have solid goals - nobody would be left wondering what to do with their lives! / Dromiceiomimus: But everyone would demand you do favours in exchange for inventory items! / T-Rex: Yeah! Plus, we'd have omniscient second-person narration! / Utahraptor: Have you bee talking to the Devil, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Nopers! / Utahraptor: Huh! This really sounds like something he'd come up with. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this would be sucky, because we'd all be in bed thinking "get up" and then thinking "I don't see 'up' here", and then thinking "get out of bed", "stand up", "and so on", until we hit the right syntax to get ourselves moving. No thanks! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX COMES ACROSS A GIANT CRUISE SHIP! / T-Rex: "take boat"
unfortunately, 'new bike day' does not actually exist in the real world. if it did, it would be today, and this is what it would look like. notice the carnage in panels 3 and 4. T-Rex: New bike day is when everybody gets new bikes! / Narrator: NEW BIKE DAY / T-Rex: Woo! New bike day! / T-Rex: And then, after we all get the new bikes, do you know what happens? / Dromiceiomimus: What happens? / T-Rex: What happens is we all receive gold medals for having such nice bikes! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Now, we DEFINITELY have to name our bikes. / Utahraptor: I've got my name picked out! / Utahraptor: My bike will be called "Susan". / T-Rex: My bike will be called "Sexual Intercourse: The Bike"! / Utahraptor: MAN. That's a good name too. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Guys, guys - our gold medals are made of solid and delicious CHOCOLATE!! I'm SO GLAD new bike day truly exists here, in the real world. / T-Rex: Let's hear it for reality, huh?
the last panel raises a lot of questions about dreamland that i'm not comfortable in answering, or even considering. T-Rex: Who here had a series of dreams last night where they were back in school and missing assignments? The answer: me, T-Rex! / Narrator: T-REX HAD SOME CRAZY DREAMS LAST NIGHT AND HEY, HE'S STILL TALKING ABOUT THEM / T-Rex: It was nuts! I never had such a stereotypical dream before. I got in an assignment late and was trying to convince the professor to accept it, only he didn't want to and kept critiquing my penmanship. Also the assignment was on pink paper. I think it was the only paper I had! / Utahraptor: I had a weird dream last night too! / T-Rex: What was it? / Utahraptor: I was a teacher with a student who kept handing in assignments late, ON PINK PAPER. / T-Rex: NO WAY. NO WAY. / Utahraptor: Yeah man! And I think the student in question was - GREEN?? / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN DREAMLAND! / T-Rex: Professor, there must be SOMETHING I can do to convince you to take this assignment... / Utahraptor: This dream has taken a turn for the sexy! / T-Rex: I know! What is the friggin' deal?
my name is ryan north and i write comics about dinosaurs beating up farmstock. T-Rex: I had the weirdest dream last night. Again! Two nights of memorable dreams in a ro: A NEW PERSONAL BEST. / T-Rex: I dreamt I was a cockfighter! / T-Rex Only, I wasn't a regular cockfighter, who battles his animals against those of an opponent. It was with turkeys instead of chickens, and rather than fighting each other, I raced my own turkey around the countryside. Halfway through the race we started fighting - I would punch and the turkey would hop up and peck me. I remember holding back my punches a bit because I didn't want to be known as the kind of dude who would punch out a turkey. / Narrator: LATER: RUMOURS SPREAD. / Utahraptor: Hey! You punch out turkeys? / T-Rex: No! / T-Rex: That was in a dream. A DREAM. I never actually punched out a turkey. / Utahraptor: I heard that parents should lock up their turkeys, because you'll punch them out! / T-Rex: No!! I promise to never punch out a turkey. / Narrator: YEARS LATER: PROMISES ARE BROKEN. / Off-Panel: Hey, how come my turkey is unconscious? / T-Rex: Good heavens! I HAVE NO IDEA. What??
sign my guestbook view my guestbook!!! T-Rex: I am a dude with a lot of OPINIONS. Sexy opinions? / T-Rex: Hells yes! / T-Rex: But ALSO, all sorts of opinions, including the UNSEXY. Give me a subject, Dromiceiomimus, and I'll demonstrate! / Dromiceiomimus: Okay - lemons! / T-Rex: I am for them! Citrus is INSANE! / Dromiceiomimus: Premarital sex! / T-Rex: Well, um, you must be both prepared and careful, and decide for yourself? / Utahraptor: My friend, a dude with so many opinions should have his own website, just for them! / T-Rex: Oh wow! / T-Rex: Can I do that? A website just for my opinions? Is that seriously allowed?? / Utahraptor: I do believe so! / T-Rex: Sweet!! I'm so doing it. I'm going home RIGHT NOW and making a website with all my awesome opinions! It will REVOLUTIONIZE the internet! / Narrator: WALKING HOME, T-REX HAS AN EVEN BETTER IDEA: / T-Rex: Oh man!! / T-Rex [in thought bubble]: Dogs / DOES EVERYONE LOVE DOGS??? / You can eat them but you shouldn't. / [animated working man under construction gif]
I regret nothing but my lack of regrets!! T-Rex: Am I doing the right thing with my life? What if what I'm doing with my time is actually something I will one day regret? What I NEED is some way to measure regret for every action and career path. / Narrator: TWO SECONDS LATER: / T-Rex: Done and DONE! / T-Rex: All I'll need to do is ask old people about their lives, and measure how many of them regret certain things! This "regret index" will range from 0 (no regret) to 1 (total ultimate regret). With it, I can tell kids today that if you rub spider eggs into your eyes, you're 96% likely to regret it, but if you drink delicious lemonade and pop wheelies, the regret index on that is near 0! / {{label: LOG CABIN: REGRET INDEX .24}} / {{label: OUT-OF-SCALE CAR: REGRET INDEX .992}} / Utahraptor: So basically you're just asking people what they liked and what they didn't like? / T-Rex: Yeah! / T-Rex: But "regret index" makes it sound more scientific. I honestly think this could be useful! You could find out how many people are still happy that they memorized every Star Trek episode! / Utahraptor: I know I am. / T-Rex: I, too, remain fully satisfied. / Narrator: EARLIER: / Captain Jean-Luc Picard: "Make it so." / T-Rex: It all goes in the vault!

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