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"neutron" is a shout out to "neutron dance" by the pointer sisters. you may have heard this song in the 80s! it's still good! T-Rex: How come it's not cool to have stories with morals at the end anymore? Are we too ironic and cool to appreciate a story that, you know, just straight-out tells you what to believe? / T-Rex: Seriously! How come? / T-Rex: I liked it when you read a story and you knew that at the end, the moral would be spelled out for you in the last sentence, so you'd be sure you didn't miss anything. Does slow and steady win the race? Can this be clarified in the conclusion somehow? / Utahraptor: You're saying you wish more literature was like fairy tales? / T-Rex: I guess so! / Utahraptor: Well, instead of complaining about stories you don't like, why not write some that you do? / T-Rex: YES! and we'll have a "story off" where we write stories and compete with each other! / Utahraptor: Okay. I guess that's what I'm going to spend my life doing today. / Narrator: AT THE "STORY OFF": / Off screen: Once upon a time there was a bashful cat named "Neutron". He had so many fingers. / T-Rex: ADD A LOVE INTEREST! / Off screen: It's my turn right now, T-Rex! / T-Rex: MY STORY HAS TWO LOVE INTERESTS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=785
nobody say love T-Rex: I wonder: what's the strongest emotion? What's the most powerful emotional experience I can look forward to? / T-Rex: NOBODY SAY LOVE! / T-Rex: Love isn't allowed because it's TOO OBVIOUS. What's the strongest non-love emotion, Dromiceiomimus? / Dromiceiomimus: Hate? / T-Rex: Okay, hate isn't allowed either on account of house it's ARGUABLY the opposite of love. / Dromiceiomimus: Um. Boredom? / Utahraptor: I think the strongest feeling is that of shame, T-Rex! / T-Rex: A good choice, my friend! / T-Rex: But, are you not forgetting the memorable emotion of hunger? / Utahraptor: Hunger isn't an emotion. / T-Rex: Then why do I suddenly FEEL hungry, hmm? Riddle me that! / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE CHILLING "HUNGER UNIVERSE": / T-Rex: Constant hunger has robbed me of all identity.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=786
t-rex almost said "as a timeline" instead of "as a people" in panel 2, but that would have been distracting, so I got him to cool it on the multiverses for a bit T-Rex: It's been what - four thousand years of civilization? Five thousand? How come we haven't solved all the problems and answered all the questions? / T-Rex: I think, as a people, we have kind of dropped the ball! / T-Rex: Seriously! I can't think of any revolutionary philosophical discoveries - like one that would make us all friends - that we've come across recently. Man, even DEMOCRACY was invented in Grecian times and we've just fleshed out some of the details since then. How come we haven't made any ultimate discoveries of essential truth? / Utahraptor: We have, T-Rex! We have made all sorts of SCIENTIFIC discoveries. / T-Rex: TRUE. / T-Rex: But the big questions - why are we here, where are we going - these are left OPEN despite lifetimes of work being thrown at them! I expect nothing less than total truth and civilization has given me five thousand years of LETTING ME DOWN. / Utahraptor: Civilization probably meant it personally too! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX IS TRYING TO DISCOVER ESSENTIAL TRUTHS AND IT'S SO HARD: / T-Rex: Man, forget this! I take back some of the things I said about civilization!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=787
come on. dromiceiomimus was most likely already late to the dentist to begin with. Narrator: TRYING TO DISCOVER AN ESSENTIAL TRUTH: / T-Rex: I have had a revelation! I am wasting my time trying to discover one ultimate essential truth, when really I should be looking for essential truths, plural! / Narrator: T-REX THE DINOSAUR IN: ESSENTIAL TRUTHS, PLURAL / T-Rex: What's true for you might not be true for me, Dromiceiomimus! Indeed, what's true for me today might not be what's true for me a month from now. I accept that there are many ways of living and that all that needs to be discovered is what is right for me, as an individual! / Dromiceiomimus: Okay! Now I'm late for the dentist! / Utahraptor: Are you serious about this, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Somewhat to moderately! / Utahraptor: Well, there are many ways of living, but those are lifestyle choices, not truths! All you're really doing is applying the label of truth to circumstances, desires and trends. The truths you're looking for are more universal, aren't they? / T-rex: Well! SO MUCH FOR THAT LITTLE SHORTCUT. / Narrator: LATER, STILL TRYING TO DISCOVER ESSENTIAL TRUTHS: / T-Rex: Maybe it's universally true that everyone likes... to party? / Cephalopods: WE DON'T LIKE TO PARTY T-REX / T-Rex: Good God! What are you cephalopods doing in my bedroom?? / Cephalopods: CHILLAXING
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=788
shouts out to the swedish rhapsody numbers station T-Rex: I have gained provisional access to a shortwave radio! Last night I was flipping around and discovered a NUMBERS STATION. Question: how excellent is that? / T-Rex: Answer: TOTALLY EXCELLENT?? / T-Rex: If you're unfamiliar with them, Dromiceiomimus, number stations are radio stations that play pre-recorded voices reciting long strings of numbers, often with a short musical cue beginning or ending the segments. They are encoded communication often meant for spies, encrypted using one-time pads! / Dromiceiomimus: Neat! / T-Rex: I KNOW. / T-Rex: I love that I live in a world where I can hear actual secret messages for spies! / Utahraptor: What are they like? / T-Rex: Entertaining and affecting and surreal. Man! Can you imagine waking up one day and finding that all the radio stations have been replaced by a little girl's voice reading out endless strings of numbers? It would be GREAT. / Utahraptor: And menacing. / T-Rex: And GREAT. / T-Rex: It would be like, "Hey, I wonder what's on the radio? Oh, it's '39398 32348 59378 70636'!" / Utahraptor: Yep! That's what it would be like! / T-Rex: And then the dude would be like, "IT'S TOO AWESOME MY MIND IS BREAKING"?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=789
 
the new face of war T-Rex: I have come up with a perfect way not to believe in anything wrong ever again. Evidentialism / T-Rex: A belief is justified only if there is sufficient evidence to support it! / T-Rex: Therefore, I won't believe in things like faith healing, because there's no room for faith in evidentialism! I also don't believe there's convincing evidence for anyone having kissed someone SO HARD that both people exploded, so I will have to regretfully concede that I don't believe that's happened yet either. But, at least I won't believe in anything I can't prove! Thanks, evidentialism! / Utahraptor: But - how do you know to believe your evidence, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Dude! It's EVIDENCE. / Utahraptor: Yeah, but this evidence must need justification to be believed. So evidence requires its own evidence, and so you have an infinite chain of proof. This spells disaster for you my friend! / T-Rex: A valid attack, perhaps strengthened by the old "What if we're all just brains in jars" question! / T-Rex: BUT! What if I switch my beliefs to foundationalism, in which I mark a few beliefs as "foundations" I consider to be "self-evident"? / Utahraptor: Then you have abandoned evidence for faith! / T-Rex: Faith, AND the possibility of weaponized kissing??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=790
vampire DAY raises more questions than it answers T-Rex: The worst part of owning a cape is having to find excuses to wear it. / Narrator: T-REX HAS A CAPE / Narrator: LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS / T-Rex: Luckily, I am just the dude to manufacture such excuses! I have the perfect plan. Since it sucks to be the only dude in the room wearing a cape, I will simply start telling people that EXISTING holidays are now cape-wearing holidays. Like... Thanksgiving! / Dromiceiomimus: Thanksgiving? / T-Rex: Yes! It is now a day to give thanks AND wear stylish outmoded fashions. / Narrator: NOW IT'S THANKSGIVING! / Utahraptor: You forgot to wear your stupid cape, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Aw damn!! / T-Rex: But YOU forgot to wear it too, Utahraptor. / Utahraptor: Yeah, but I was never going to. / T-Rex: Well! I certainly hope you'll change your mind for VAMPIRE DAY next week. I'm DEFINITELY not forgetting my cape for that! / Narrator: NOW IT'S VAMPIRE DAY! / T-Rex: Aw damn!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=791
naturalistic pantheism comics! featuring god as himself! T-Rex: Pantheism is the belief that everything, the entire universe, is literally God! / God: WHAT / T-Rex: Like I said! The universe and God are the exact same thing! / T-Rex: We all get to be divine, Dromiceiomimus! Better, everything I do is an act of God! Right now, THIS aspect of God wants to stomp on this other, more housey aspect of God. / Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure that's how pantheism works! Isn't it more like, we're all cells in the "body" of a divine universe? / T-Rex: I see it more like, every tasty thing in the universe is God, and I'm getting HUNGRY. / Utahraptor: T-Rex, you're just redefining "God" to mean "existence"! / T-Rex: Perhaps! / T-Rex: But PERHAPS by making everything special, by spreading that divinity around a bit so that everyone gets a piece, we'll all see our world as the extraordinary place it is. / Utahraptor: Right. Or more likely, you just want to say "I'M GOD AND GOD WANTS GODLY SANDWICHES". / God: GOD DOES WANT GODLY SANDWICHES T-REX / T-Rex: Dude! It's not like you can't just make your own! / God: I LIKE IT WHEN YOU CUT OFF THE CRUSTS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=792
if you think choosing a job based on its sexual attractiveness is a good idea, then have i got a comic for you! Narrator: THE SEXIEST JOB COMPETITION: / T-Rex: The sexiest job competition is tasked with finding out who has the sexiest job. We must begin! / Narrator: BEING T-REX: / T-Rex: Congratulations self! You are our leading candidate! / Narrator: GUY WHO GIVES OUT PARKING TICKETS AND IS REALLY KIND OF A JERK ABOUT IT: / T-Rex: You do a profoundly unpopular job. I am sorry to announce that yours is the least sexy job thus far. / Dromiceiomimus: Why do you have to be kind of a jerk about it, parking ticket guy? / Narrator: INTERNET CARTOONIST: / Utahraptor: That's pretty sexy, I'm told! / T-Rex: I'd do anyone who has their own website! / Narrator: GUY WHO BITES HIS OWN TOENAILS: / T-Rex: I respect how you've made a career out of it, yet, it's still gross! / Utahraptor: But he's not even biting the toenails of others. I'm confused on the economics of this. Is it - performance art? / T-Rex: There's one way to find out! / T-Rex: Hey! HEY DUDE! TOENAIL DUDE! / Toenail Dude: Huh? / T-Rex: HOW DO YOU GET PAID? / Toenail Dude: num num num
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=793
men! i'm out of tips!! Narrator: TIPS FOR MEN / T-Rex: Attention Men! Are you a man? Here are some tips! / T-Rex: Tip 1: Grooming is important! / T-Rex: This means that you have to shower and if you always wake up with food on your face then you have to understand that you have a problem. We all have problems, but yours is that you go to sleep beside bowls of wet salad and then in your sleep, you tip over the bowl. You need to work on that. I don't know what to tell you. / T-Rex: Tip 2: prostate exams: apparently important? / Utahraptor: Apparently prostate exams are pretty important! / T-Rex: Tip 3: In some situtations, like truck stops, manliness is measured by virility, so you may wish to boast of sexual conquests. But in other situations (job interviews), it's measured by problem solving skills and your ability to work in groups! / Utahraptor: True men can easily distinguish between such situations. / Narrator: TIPS FOR WOMEN / T-Rex: Attention women! Sometimes men fall asleep next to bowls of wet salad. I don't know what to tell you.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=794
 
i'd like to see THAT DINOSAUR COMICS PRESENTS: "A LOG ON THE HEAD" / T-Rex: I have a friend who was hit with a 40 pound log on the head. She might have a concussion? / T-Rex: What's the deal with THAT? / T-Rex: What's the deal, logs? / THE END / "A TIME FOR CONCERN" / Utahraptor: Hey, is your friend alright? / T-Rex: Yeah, she's fine! / T-Rex: She might have a concussion, but yeah. Still. I blame logs. / Utahraptor: What happened? / T-Rex: She was at a log stacking show and this one chick totally sucked at stacking logs, basically? / Narrator: AT THE LOG STACKING SHOW: / T-Rex: Man! My grandmother could stack logs better than you! / Chick who totally sucks at stacking logs: You're not allowed to heckle! / T-Rex: What are you gonna do? Accidentally bean a friend of mine with a log and then feel powerfully guilty about it??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=795
but seriously folks, there's nothing wrong with being dumb for bananas. they may well be dumb for you as well! T-Rex: I think that comedy goes bad after a while! I don't think I've EVER laughed at a joke that's more than two hundred years old. / T-Rex: Screw you, comedy! / T-Rex: It's not just that jokes get dated, but that whole standards for comedy shift, I think. Stuff that was edgy fifty years ago is old hat today! We can recognize HOW it was supposed to be funny, but there's comedic writing from a hundred years ago that goes right over our heads today, simply because we don't have the cultural context to recognize that jokes are being made, that parody and satire are taking place. Ouch for those guys! Ouch for us in 200 years! / Utahraptor: Well, most everything changes with time, T-Rex! / T-Rex: I guess! / T-Rex: But I think comedy changes more than most. We can read serious writing from centuries ago and the arguments are WAY more accessible than any jokes. / Utahraptor: I guess that's true, but I'm sure there are also "stupid people do stupid things" jokes that are pretty timeless. / T-Rex: Oh man, I never told you! One time, I saw a stupid guy nobody likes eating too many bananas!! / Utahraptor: Hah hah! Why'd he do that? / T-Rex: 'Cause he was dumb! / T-Rex: Dumb for BANANAS.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=796
hippocleides doesn't care! T-Rex: Okay, so perhaps there ARE those who find old jokes in old books to be hilarious, and we just happen to have different senses of humour! IT MAY HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE TO GENERALIZE ACROSS EVERY LIVING THING THAT CAN LAUGH, AND ALSO READ. / T-Rex: This I do concede! / T-Rex: But, I still think that it's true that, given a random joke from the present and one from the past, the average person will be more likely to laugh at the present joke, just because they have more context. I'm convinced present-day jokes about airplane food will fade in cultural relevance and become less funny as airplanes are replaced by HoverPants! / Utahraptor: Hey, nice move, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Ah, you refer to my classy search for a middle ground! / Utahraptor: No, I meant the whole "shift the argument to the future" thing, so that nobody can disagree with you! It was smooth. / T-Rex: Hee, it's true! It's the same argument, but since the future doesn't exist yet, nobody can really argue with me about it one way or the other! / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: / T-Rex: The hell? What was I saying about us not existing? / Utahraptor: I dunno man! / T-Rex: I would have words with past T-Rex! That dude has a lot of STALE FRIGGIN' OPINIONS.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=797
annnnnnna bennnnnnson..... dot net T-Rex: Man! What is the DEAL with triflin' friends indeed? / T-Rex: They appear to reliably take my money when I'm in need! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Here's a crazy question. Would you say that YOU are a triflin' friend indeed? / Dromiceiomimus: I would not, T-Rex! I would not. I'm not triflin'! / T-Rex: I don't know — are you sure you're not possibly . . . . triflin'?? / Dromiceiomimus: You don't even know what the word means! You got it from a song. / Narrator: EARLER: / T-Rex: I am IN LOVE with this song! / Utahraptor: Which song? / T-Rex: The "Gold Digger" one. It's about a woman who is a gold digger, and then the narrator suggests to her that maybe she's a gold digger! / Utahraptor: Then what happens? / T-Rex: Then she takes the narrator's money when he's in need! / Narrator: EARLIER: / T-Rex: What's this, a radio? / Radio Kanye West Voice: we want pre-nup
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=798
i peeked in high school T-Rex: What if this is the high point of my life? What if it's all downhill from here?! That sucks! / T-Rex: For me!! / T-Rex: I kind of hoped I might go a bit further than this in life, but then again, maybe not. It's entirely possible that this, right here, is as far as I go. In 10 years I could be that guy who is WAY too nostalgic for the past. "Remember how great it was before I screwed up my life, guys?" That'll be me. / T-Rex: I'll be that guy! / T-Rex: I could be TOO TIRED from the weight of a life squandered to stomp on even the smallest of log cabins and women. / Utahraptor: Maybe! / Utahraptor: But I honestly don't think you'll be that guy. You'll probably end up doing something different than you expect right now, but that doesn't mean you've FAILED AT LIFE. / T-Rex: I don't think so either, really, but maybe guys who peaked in high school thought this too! Then they made some bad decisions. / T-Rex: People who've made bad decisions: I salute you!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=799
 
t-rex is a friend to all the children NARRATOR: VISITING OLD FRIENDS COMICS / T-Rex: Hooray for visiting old friends! / T-Rex: Old friends are the best kind of friends because you still get along really well, even though you maybe haven't seen each other for a long time. It is a time for healthy nostalgia and for talking of tomorrow! / Dromiceiomimus: But current friends are good too, aren't they T-Rex? / T-Rex: Yes! My endorsement of old friends is not meant to be taken as a slight against friends currently in rotation. / Utahraptor: What do you like best about visiting old friends, T-Rex? / T-Rex: An excellent question! / T-Rex: I think what I like best is how you have the intimacy years of friendship provides, but also the perspective gained from any time spent apart. It lets you be honest with each other! You can see how everyone's changed and talk and laugh about it. / Utahraptor: That's great - BUT WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE THAT DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS?? / T-Rex: Aww! Well, I'll be their friend, unless there's a good reason why they don't have any friends, such as rampant murderism or incurable stealie-o-holicism. / Utahraptor: Neither of those are actual afflictions, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Then we're SET!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=800
wikipedia says there's like 80 emotions on its 'list of emotions' page, but wikipedia's just some guy with an internet connection! some guy who thinks 'being horny' is an emotion and not just a case of boners God: HEY T-REX HOW MANY EMOTIONS ARE THERE / T-Rex: How many emotions are there?? I can think of at least three. / T-Rex: Desire, elation, and rage! / God: YOUR LIST OF EMOTIONS IS A SHORT STORY HUH / T-Rex: Yep! It's about a woman who desires something, then gets it and is pretty elated about the whole thing, but then, AFTERWARDS, she's pretty pissed. / God: COOL / Utahraptor: I think emotions are not discrete but rather a continuum, T-Rex! / T-Rex: I find your views interesting! Tell me more! / Utahraptor: The emotions we have in English are just labels we've applied to a SPECTRUM of feeling. You can almost always divide existing emotions into smaller, more precise chunks! For example, your well-known satisfaction at eating cereal in the morning is an exact, identifiable, reproducible joy that I can only label "breakfast pleasure." / T-Rex: Breakfast pleasure! Finally, I have words for that most sublime of satisfactions!! BREAKFAST PLEASURE. I love breakfast pleasure. / Utahraptor: I know, T-Rex. / T-Rex: I'm not entirely certain that you do!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=801
MORAL: if you are faced with something that doesn't seem to have a desirable solution, maybe try adding rockets! space rockets! T-Rex: Has this strapping young dinosaur perhaps become a little... COMPLACENT? / T-Rex: It's time to go traveling! / T-Rex: This is because travel beats complacency if you do it right! When you're traveling as a backpacker, outside of the regular tourism industry, you're off the beaten path AND doing a lot of new things all on your own. You meet new people and, since you're put in an environment where you're probably less comfortable than you usually are (both literally and figuratively), you're in a prime situation for self-discovery as well! / Utahraptor: So you'd rather do your own thing than go on a big tour with a travel agency? / T-Rex: Absolutely! / T-Rex: But - I mean, I know it's not entirely a positive thing. All tourism can change the areas it touches! My role as a backpacker COULD be seen as an advance scout for the larger tourism industry - and if I find something wonderful, odds are others will soon follow. / Utahraptor: So what's the solution? / T-Rex: I don't know, man! Stop traveling? Encase unspoiled areas in amber? Use spaceships to colonize new planets and therefore delay the issue until there are no new frontiers? / Utahraptor: That last one sounds pretty awesome! / T-Rex: That's cause it's got rockets!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=802
it seems that, once again, i have become privy to the private talk of dudes T-Rex: Hey! Hey Utahraptor! Do - do you think that some guys go to liquor stores to pick up chicks because they know everyone there is over 18? / T-Rex: Or at least - / T-Rex: - willing to pretend? / Dromiceiomimus: Hah! Aw! That's terrible, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, what are YOU doing here? I thought it was Just The Guys! / Dromiceiomimus: It seems that, once again, I have become privy to guy talk due to conversational negligence!! / T-Rex: Disaster! / [[EARLIER:]] / T-Rex: So personally, Dromiceiomimus, I feel that - / Utahraptor: Hey, where is she? / T-Rex: Whoah, Utahraptor! I thought that DROMICEIOMIMUS was behind me! / Utrahraptor: Nope! Just me, your male friend Utahraptor! Were you about to have a conversation about feelings? / T-Rex: NO. NO I WASN'T. / {{Banner: "SOME PEOPLE TREAT THEIR GENDERED FRIENDS DIFFERENTLY"}} / T-Rex: Incidentally, I don't have any friends who aren't gendered! / {{Banner: OKAY}}
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=803
punch as if nobody's going to get hurt, sleep as if nobody's going to get any rest, laugh as if nobody's going to find the joke funny. T-Rex: Man, forget television, books, films, short films, to a lesser extent plays and other theatre, and the remaining popular media! They have cheapened emotion by putting it on constant display. / T-Rex: This I do believe! / T-Rex: Maybe "cheapened" is too strong a word, but it's now - routine? Predictable? Now if we've made a big mistake we can't say "My God! What have I done?" because it's too clich?: we either have to acknowledge that or reach for another way to express it. IN CONCLUSION AND IN SUMMARY, the highest experience life can offer us have already been acted out for us, cheapened by imitation and reference instead of experienced firsthand! / Utahraptor: Do you really feel this way? / T-Rex: Sometimes! Especially when I get angry. / T-Rex: It's just that - it can be hard to have a meaningful conversation when you're dancing around all these clich?s. / Utahraptor: Well, actually, that's one of the things that first attracted me to you: your ability to IGNORE popular culture, your willingness to talk as if nobody's listening. / T-Rex: Aww! That is me! I talk as if nobody's listening, I dance as if nobody's watching, and I eat as if nobody's hungry. / Off-panel: That last one is a BIT less attractive. / T-Rex: I also vacuum as if nobody's going to get their carpets any cleaner! / T-Rex: Daaaamn!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=804
 
this was going to be a comic about how people nowadays seem unable to accept that you can write a fictional story even if it hasn't actually happened to you, but then i got way into the totally awesome retarded premise T-Rex: I am writing the best story ever! In it, I simply APPROPRIATE a popular novel, and then place its author in a generalized version of its premise! THEN, the author has eerily familiar, but thoroughly modernized,adventures. / T-Rex: So, it's like, H.G. Wells actually has a time machine that he uses for wacky escapades! / T-Rex: And then he goes back in time to meet Edgar Allan Poe, who actually IS haunted by the supernatural and has a creepy raven in his study, next to the silken sad uncertain rustling of his purple curtains. After picking up Mary Shelley, they ALL go forward in time and meet Patricia Highsmith, who is surrounded by morally compromised antihero neighbours! Then they all go on a train ride and have an adventure. / Utahraptor: Then what happens? / T-Rex: THEN, my friend, the story writes itself! / T-Rex: And at the end, all the characters high five each other and go home to their own times, promising to write their own versions of what happened. Then, they all write their most famous works! / Utahraptor: Huh! / Narrator: MUCH LATER: / T-Rex: Edgar Allan Poe! What are YOU doing here? / Edgar Allan Poe: I'm just chillin' on your couch, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Awesome! I like how you rhyme.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=805
the implication in panel 5, and i do stand by it, is that if you have access to a time machine, you have an obligation to use it for cooler things than Relationships Chats. T-Rex: Edgar Allan Poe, I have things to do today! We can't hang out the entire time. / Edgar Allan Poe: I don't want to hang out the ENTIRE time, T-Rex, I just want quality time when we DO hang out. I need quality, not just quantity! / T-Rex: Edgar Allan Poe! You are so needy. / Edgar Allan Poe: When you call me "needy", T-Rex, you make me feel like I'm crazy, just because I want to spend time with you! That's not crazy: that's what friends do. If you don't want to be friends with me then we should talk about that, but if you do, then you need to spend more time with me. / T-Rex: Edgar! We're spending time together RIGHT NOW! That counts! It HAS TO count if you follow me around. / Utahraptor: Hey, your friend back there looks just like Edgar Allan Poe! That's crazy! / T-Rex: That's because he is! / T-Rex: Hey, here's a fun fact for you: Edgar Allan Poe has access to a time machine, and ALL HE WANTS TO DO is talk about our relationship. / Utahraptor: T-Rex! He's right nearby! He can probably hear you. / T-Rex: I'M FINE WITH THAT. HELLO POE. / Narrator: BUT SOON: / T-Rex: I'm sorry I snapped at you, Edgar Allan Poe! / Edgar Allan Poe: I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you said you needed space, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Can you - can you keep this out of your famous and memorable poems, do you think?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=806
t-rex said something yesterday that he regrets, so he resolved NEVER TO SAY ANYTHING EVER AGAIN, and then later resolved to stop making totally dumb resolutions T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for keeping all my wicked sweet opinions to myself! I will keep my own counsel. / T-Rex: *gasp* / Narrator: the end / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, what's up? You seem kinda - silent! / T-Rex: That's because I am! / T-Rex: I am keeping all my awesome rad opinions to myself today. / Utahraptor: Oh. Why? / T-Rex: Things were just going that way! But who knows what tomorrow will bring for me, T-Rex? / Narrator: TOMORROW: / T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for eating hobosnacks! Hobosnacks are snacks for hobos. I think they're commercially marketed as "Cheetos"! / Some Dude: This is a laundromat, sir! / T-Rex: Indeed!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=807
people 'in the biz' sometimes rather cheekily refer to helicopters as 'copters' T-Rex: I am PRETTY SURE that I could be a pretty great soccer player if I really tried to be! I just haven't explored it! It's probably one of my many / Narrator: HIDDEN TALENTS / T-Rex: I'm probably ALSO really good at surfing, stand up comedy, cross-stitching and helicopter theft! I just haven't tried them because I prefer believing that I have secret talents the world hasn't seen to knowing for certain that I don't actually have anything special and secret in me waiting to be accessed. / Utahraptor: You prefer hidden talent to palpable failure! / T-Rex: Precisely! / Utahraptor: Well, why not just reframe them so they're talents that you HAD, but missed out on? Like, you could have been a great soccer player if only you'd practiced when you were a kid. So the talent's still there, it's simply your flabby aged and relatively enfeebled body that's no longer suitable! / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS BEEN STEALING HELICOPTERS SINCE HE WAS EIGHT: / T-Rex: I'm so awesome at stealing copters, but I wonder if I could ever be good at stomping on things! / T-Rex: Is this finally a conundrum that CAN'T be solved with helicopter theft?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=808
utahraptor knows that they're green Narrator: A CAUTIONARY TALE FOR ALL THE CHILDREN / T-Rex: Gosh, am I the ultimate friend? I am supportive and a good listener! I do favours and care and keep track of everything that's going on in my friends' lives. / T-Rex: T-REX: THE ULTIMATE FRIEND? / Dromiceiomimus: You're a good friend, T-Rex, but I'm not sure if you're the ultimate friend! It seems to ME that the ultimate friend would come over and do my dishes for me. / T-Rex: Aha, my friend, but once again I said "the ultimate friend", not "the utimate pushover"! But I'll still do your dishes sometimes, if I'm there! / Dromiceiomimus: Aww! / Utahraptor: Ultimate Friend, close your eyes and tell me what colour my eyes are! / T-Rex: Easy! / T-Rex: Your eyes are a distinctive shade of... icy blue!! / Utahraptor: Nope! / T-Rex: Piercing Orange! / Utahraptor: Nope! / T-Rex: A chartreusey shade of puce? / Utahraptor: Nobody's eyes are a chartreusey shade of puce. / Narrator: THE END
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=809
 
the heartbreaking thing that everyone knows but that nobody talks about is that zach was a GREAT guy in real life, but now he's a ghost through no fault of his own, and he's just having no end of troubles. the poor kid is trying his best and he just can't T-Rex: Today I am going to try to be a better friend. I will tell secrets, as secrets are one of the MANY currencies of friendship! I will also listen to what my friends have to say, and then make helpful comments that solve every one of their problems! / T-Rex: EVERY / T-Rex: SINGLE / T-Rex: ONE. / Dromiceiomimus: Well T-Rex, here is one of my problems! A friend of mine is pregnant, and she's really happy about it, but we're all not really sure that she's ready or that it's with the right person. It's not like it's any of our business, actually, but it's not like we can talk to her about it! / T-Rex: I - um. Wow! / T-Rex: Wow! Pregnancy! / Utahraptor: I know! / T-Rex: And it's such a personal thing too. People get upset when you tell them you think they're DATING the wrong person - how do you tell them you think they're creating life with the wrong person? / Utahraptor: Maybe the answer is that you don't! / T-Rex: OR MAYBE the answer is you get a ghost to show them your dystopian vision of their future! Do you know any ghosts? / Utahraptor: Only one, and he's not suitable at all. / T-Rex: Hah hah! The ghost of Zach, right? Aw, poor Zach. / Utahraptor: He's so terrible at being a ghost!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=810
the heartbreaking thing that everyone knows but that nobody talks about is that zach was a GREAT guy in real life, but now he's a ghost through no fault of his own, and he's just having no end of troubles. the poor kid is trying his best and he just can't T-Rex: Today I am going to try to be a better friend. I will tell secrets, as secrets are one of the MANY currencies of friendship! I will also listen to what my friends have to say, and then make helpful comments that solve every one of their problems! / T-Rex: EVERY / T-Rex: SINGLE / T-Rex: ONE. / Dromiceiomimus: Well T-Rex, here is one of my problems! A friend of mine is pregnant, and she's really happy about it, but we're all not really sure that she's ready or that it's with the right person. It's not like it's any of our business, actually, but it's not like we can talk to her about it! / T-Rex: I - um. Wow! / T-Rex: Wow! Pregnancy! / Utahraptor: I know! / T-Rex: And it's such a personal thing too. People get upset when you tell them you think they're DATING the wrong person - how do you tell them you think they're creating life with the wrong person? / Utahraptor: Maybe the answer is that you don't! / T-Rex: OR MAYBE the answer is you get a ghost to show them your dystopian vision of their future! Do you know any ghosts? / Utahraptor: Only one, and he's not suitable at all. / T-Rex: Hah hah! The ghost of Zach, right? Aw, poor Zach. / Utahraptor: He's so terrible at being a ghost!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=810
k-ray-zed, t-rex? what? T-Rex: I wonder, what's the craziest way to spell "crazy"? / T-Rex: My suggestion: "K-RAY-Z"! / Dromiceiomimus: That's pretty crazy, T-Rex, but what about... "CHRA-HAY-ZEE"? / T-Rex: That's totally crazy! / Dromiceiomimus: I know! / T-Rex: That's why I like it. / Utahraptor: What about "Quai-Zhi"? / T-Rex: Eh! Too crazy. / Utahraptor: What? No it's not. Too crazy is like, "fhqwhgads". / T-Rex: That's Inaccessibly Crazy, which is its own beast all together! / Utahraptor: Man, forget you guys! I'm done playing this game. I'VE got things to do today! / Narrator: THINGS T-REX THINKS UTAHRAPTOR MIGHT HAVE TO DO TODAY: / T-Rex: Learn to tango? / T-Rex: Eat a whole bag of plums? / Utahraptor: I'M JUST BUYING GROCERIES / T-Rex: Buy a whole bag of plums, and then eat the plums, and then blame a passing dog for the resulting plummy mess?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=811
alternate panel 2: i love you, t-rex! / i've got my own problems! Narrator: CONVERSATIONAL TECHNIQUES COMICS today's technique: "I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS" / Narrator: A POWERFUL TECHNIQUE IN ANY SITUATION: / Off-Panel: Do YOU want eggs? / T-Rex: I've got my own problems! / Narrator: A WAY TO COMMUNICATE YOUR PRIVILEGING OF SELF INTEREST! / Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, do you want to come with me today to the Lengthy Exhibit of Items of Exclusively Female Interest? / T-Rex: Aw man! I've got my own problems. / Dromiceiomimus: You totally have your own problems! / Narrator: A HARBINGER OF FRIENDSHIP: / Utahraptor: I've got MY own problems! / T-Rex: Hey, me too! / Narrator: HEY, WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH THE EGGS IN THE SECOND PANEL? OH WELL / Utahraptor: Was he an egg salesman, do you think? / T-Rex: He was wearing one of those umbrella hats, so - maybe? / Narrator: "I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS" - IN ANY SITUATION! / Off-Panel: Oh God, we're being attacked by zombies! / T-Rex: I've got my own problems! / Off-Panel and T-Rex: Hah hah hah! / Off-Panel: It's ALWAYS funny when you say that!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=812
if you were clever you could call it 'casino evil' because there's a hilarious pun involved! HILARIOUS T-Rex: I have come up with the worst idea aver, and it's so simple. All you have to do is combine online gambling with online role playing games! / T-Rex: The result will be a game to RUIN LIVES! / T-Rex: MMORPGs are already really popular and addictive - some people play them upwards of eight hours a day. Throw in a casino where you can not only win REAL money but also rare in-game items and experience points, and you've merged two addictions into one, feeding them into each other! It'll be a terribly effective way to make profits from those with addictive personalities. / Utahraptor: So people can bet in-game money to win real-life money? / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: You'd allow bets like that, but balance it so, overall, you don't end up losing real money. The more you gamble, the better stats your characters get, and the more you play, the more chances you have to win in the casino. Both addictions encourage the other! / Utahraptor: It really is an awful idea, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet! / T-Rex: That's a horrific idea! / T-Rex: What is wrong with me?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=813
if you were clever you could call it 'casino evil' because there's a hilarious pun involved! HILARIOUS T-Rex: I have come up with the worst idea aver, and it's so simple. All you have to do is combine online gambling with online role playing games! / T-Rex: The result will be a game to RUIN LIVES! / T-Rex: MMORPGs are already really popular and addictive - some people play them upwards of eight hours a day. Throw in a casino where you can not only win REAL money but also rare in-game items and experience points, and you've merged two addictions into one, feeding them into each other! It'll be a terribly effective way to make profits from those with addictive personalities. / Utahraptor: So people can bet in-game money to win real-life money? / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: You'd allow bets like that, but balance it so, overall, you don't end up losing real money. The more you gamble, the better stats your characters get, and the more you play, the more chances you have to win in the casino. Both addictions encourage the other! / Utahraptor: It really is an awful idea, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet! / T-Rex: That's a horrific idea! / T-Rex: What is wrong with me?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=813
'whoah! this dog's got breasts!': an all-purpose expression of surprise for the new generation Narrator: THINGS WOMEN LOVE: / T-Rex: I know all sorts of things women love! For example: women LOVE IT when you dismiss them in arguments by saying "Whoah! This kitten's got claws!" / God: ACTUALLY NOBODY LOVES IT WHEN YOU SAY THAT T-REX / T-Rex: No way dude! / T-Rex: It's hilarious! It's IRONIC, because I've never actually called a woman a "kitten", on account of how I'm not a facial hair dude from the seventies? And it also says "I understand you're upset, but not REALLY upset, because I'm willing to make a joke that's sort of at your expense, but also really at my expense too, because now I look like a sexist facial hair dude! Let's share a laugh!" / T-Rex: There are layers upon layers! / Utahraptor: So you're using sexism ironically now! / T-Rex: Yep! But it's not SINCERE sexism. I wouldn't say, "Whoah! This cute, somehow inferior gender's got claws!" / Utahraptor: And you'd laugh if a woman said something similar, but at the expense of men, to you. / T-Rex: PROBABLY. It's never happened! / Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR ASKS DROMICEIOMIMUS TO HELP HIM OUT BUT FAILS TO BRIEF HER PROPERLY: / Dromiceiomimus: Whoah! This dog's got breasts! / T-Rex: I wanna see!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=814
 

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