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i looked up what people call paris hilton ("socialite" seemed a bit imprecise) and wikipedia calls her a "celebutante"! now there is a word for you! T-Rex: I have invented the best way to reveal the prejudices and preconceptions of my friends. / T-Rex: Reverse lightbulb jokes! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'll give you the punchline and you'll supply the identifiable social group to be mocked, okay? The puchline is: "Just one: they hold the lightbulb still while the world revolves around them." / Dromiceiomimus: Easy! "How many socialites does it take to change a lightbulb?" / T-Rex: INTERESTING. / God: DO ME / Utahraptor: Do me! / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: Um, okay: "Just one, but it doesn't matter: they'll never see the light anyway." / God: ENTHUSIASTS OF THINGS THAT I AM NOT A FAN OF / Utahraptor: Blind people! / T-Rex: Oh snap! Wow. Classy, guys! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Alright, last one, everyone! "Both of them." / Person 1: Honest politicians! / Person 2: Actually important bloggers! / Person 3: People at work who I haven't had sex with! / T-Rex: Pardon? / Person 3: See, I have a lot of sex.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1145
based on a true story in which fedex failed to deliver a package to me, oh, four times now Narrator: AMAZING AND TRUE STORIES FROM THE LIFE OF UTAHRAPTOR / Narrator: also starring T-REX / Narrator: This morning I skipped breakfast and met T-Rex for lunch. He seemed excited. He always seems excited. / Narrator: I asked him why, and it turned out that Dromiceiomimus had a customer service issue with a shipping company, and wanted T-Rex to call because he's better at these sorts of things. They'd failed to deliver her package four times now. T-Rex already has "suckified delivery companies" on his revenge list (he'd said), so he was pleased to call. He spent ten minutes listing all the ways suckified delivery companies had made his life worse, got a full head of steam, and called them up. Long story short, the package had actually been delivered that morning. T-Rex claims victory. / Narrator: I actually ran into him (almost literally) later that afternoon, and we discussed it some more. / Narrator: My contrarian position (I freely admit it) was that he was wrong to chew out the lady on the phone: with companies this size, there's no way she was responsible for the package. Responsibility is so diffused that really, nobody is responsible - it's a system failure, and the person in the call centre can't change the system. He replied that as his only contact point, agents should expect complaints and offer solutions - he's not going to make allowances for someone else's broken system. We agreed to differ. / Narrator: I realize that this is my diary for the new year, and all I've written about so far is T-Rex. the responsibility for this, I feel, lies solely in this Christmas gift "stationary" from T-Rex himself. He's drawn himself in every panel, and the same pre-printed title takes up all the space in the first one. Still - grocery shopping's more fun. / T-Rex: pick up eggs / T-Rex eggs are great / T-Rex you can put them on your plate
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1146
There was a guy named "egg". Augustus Egg. He was a Victorian artist, and he painted a painting called "Queen Elizabeth Discovers she is no Longer Young", which is hilarious. You should go look it up. T-Rex (thinking): People will DEFINITELY pay for a robot that "accidentally" steals all their girlfriends! / Narrator: BAD IDEAS COMICS / Narrator: LATER: / Dromiceiomimus (thinking): Has anyone ever made a doctor-themed parody of Back to the Future, called "Back to the Suture"? / Dromiceiomimus (thinking): I should probably do that. / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor (thinking): skin flavoured jello / T-Rex (thinking): utahraptor's skin flavoured jello / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex (thinking): I should make a comic where famed scientist Francis Bacon teams up with a guy named "Eggs", so they can be called Bacon and Eggs. In issue two, Francis could mistakenly rename himself to "Chris P."! Chris P. Bacon! / T-Rex (thinking): OH MY GOD / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex (thinking): I'm still thinking about Chris P. Bacon
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1147
i have never complimented someone on the colour of their skin before. MAYBE SOME DAY?? God: HEY T-REX REMEMBER WHEN WE STOLE THE KILOGRAM / T-Rex: Sure do! / God: LET'S STEAL SOMETHING ELSE / God: SOME-THING / God: FROM HISTORY / Narrator: LATER: / God: MAN I GOT ARRESTED / Narrator: the end / God: HEY T-REX REMEMBER WHEN I WAS ARRESTED / T-Rex: Sure do! / Utahraptor: Sure do what? / T-Rex: oh. I, uh, I sure do like that colour on you Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: What? what colur? The colour of my skin? You're saying you like the colour of my skin? / T-Rex: It - uh, / T-Rex: it goes well with your eyes / T-Rex: Man what's the deal with nobody hearing you but me, God? It's a hassle! / God: WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ME GETTING FRIGGIN ARRESTED BACK THERE / God: CAN I CREATE AN OBJECT SO VALUABLE EVEN I CAN'T HEIST IT / God: IS MY QUESTION
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1148
jenn came up with that 'backstory' joke. thanks, jenn! T-Rex: I have the best joke for Dromiceiomimus! / T-Rex: Is it my curse to ALWAYS have the best jokes? / T-Rex: Okay, Dromiceiomimus! Here is the best joke ever for you. It's way better than all other jokes. / Dromiceiomimus: I'm listening! / T-Rex: So I went to the chiropractor, right? And he examined me and said "what happened to your back?" and I smiled at him and I said "well, Doc, let me tell you the BACKstory!" / Dromiceiomimus:That- that was terrible. / T-Rex: Man, she's right! It WAS terrible. / Utahraptor: What if you're out of jokes, T-Rex? / T-Rex: WHAT? / Utahraptor: Yeah, what if you were born with a set number of funny jokes, and now you've used them all up? / T-Rex: Don't even joke about that, Utahraptor! I rely on my sense of humour as a social lubricant! It's the secret to how come girls want to kiss me sometimes. / Narrator: LATER THAT DAY: / T-Rex: Mr. Tusks! What if I'm clean out of funny jokes? / Mr. Tusks: That would be a TINY bit inconvenient for me T-Rex! I need you to write a joke for my speech tomorrow to the Chiropractor's Union. / T-Rex: noooooooo
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1149
 
also it doesn't really make a difference OH WELL T-Rex: Guys, guys! / God: WHAT / T-Rex: Our universe is almost certainly a simulation! / God: SHIIIIIIIIT / T-Rex: I know, right? / T-Rex: Because check it out: if you assume that computers will continue to get better, then it stands to reason that one day we'll be able to simulate an entire universe. And then there'll be a day shortly afterwards when we can simulate universe on our cell phones! And once you imagine this possibility, what are the odds that OUR universe is the one real one? It's much more likely that all creation is running in the background of some future dude's iPhone 3K! / Utahraptor: Seriously? You're seriously arguing this old idea. / T-Rex: I am, yes! / Utahraptor: But T-Rex, think of all the stories in which the characters are running around in a realistic universe, unaware that they're fictional! DUDE! It's overwhelmingly likely that WE'RE in a story right now! / T-Rex: That's stupid. / Utahraptor: That's your theory, stripped of it's trendy technology. / God: UTAHRAPTOR HAS A POINT THERE / T-Rex: noooooooooo
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1150
t-rex is doing "i am legend" for ghosts. the reason the poltergeists break so many dishes isn't that they're throwing them around! they're just bumping into them because they can't see T-Rex: Ghost have got to be the saddest thing ever! They're dead people PLUS they're blind. / T-Rex: That's right, I said it! Ghosts are blind! / T-Rex: They HAVE to be, because they're invisible! And light needs to hit something to be seen, and if ghosts have transparent eyes they're not going to see anything. PLUS you can walk right through a ghost, so sound waves will pass through them too. They're deaf and blind most of the time, and when they do become a little visible, the world that fades into focus around them is filled with people screaming at them in terror. It's so sad! / Utahraptor: You're picking apart the science of ghost senses, but accept the fact of their invisibility? / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: Ghosts have to be invisible, at least part of the time - that's what makes them ghosts! But if you accept that, it's fun to try to see how ghostlike you can make them without making any FURTHER assumptions. / Utahraptor: But our friend Zach is a ghost, and he's not blind OR deaf! / T-Rex's thought bubble: Aw, heck. / T-Rex's thought bubble: I hate being reminded of Zach.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1151
for those of you who don't remember america's funniest home videos, it's basically youtube, but with none of the brutally dumb comments and with way more bob saget. you know, in retrospect, we had it pretty good T-Rex: The curses of the Greek gods: / T-Rex: not actually that bad! / T-Rex: For example: Prometheus! / T-Rex: Guy gives fire back to mortals, and as punishment by Zeus he's chained to a rock and has his liver eaten by a vulture every day. / T-Rex: But his liver magically regenerates overnight! / Dromiceiomimus: So? / T-Rex: So Prometheus' liver is a perfectly clean, natural and renewable fuel source! / T-Rex: He doles out to the world a small amount of an INFINITE SUPPLY of biofeul daily. / T-Rex: Way to go, Prometheus! / Utahraptor: Seems like a pretty painful way to go through life! / T-Rex: Still, it's not that bad. / Utahraptor: What about Cassandra, prescient but cursed so that nobody believes her? / T-Rex: Screw everyone else! / T-Rex: She can avoid falling pianos and win the lottery. / T-Rex: BOO HOO. / T-Rex: And before you say "Sisyphus", he's immortal, PLUS he's got time to ponder the universe, PLUS a buff bod. / T-Rex: All I'm saying is, it wouldn't be terrible. / Narrator: MANY MONTHS LATER: / TV: Up next, we have a man who claims he was cursed by a Greek god, and who has preternatural knowledge of what the winning clips will be on every episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. / T-Rex: It's not that bad!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1152
Oh wow, is that a quarter on the ground? Narrator: A DAY OF DISAPPOINTMENTS! / Narrator: STARRING T-REX THE TALKING DINOSAUR / T-Rex: Oh wow, is that a quarter on the ground? / T-Rex: Oh, it's one someone glued to the ground as a joke. / T-Rex: Hah hah / Narrator: LATER: / Unknown: Free chocolate bars! / Utahraptor: Woo hoo! / Unknown: To anyone under the age of 12! / T-Rex and Utahraptor: Awwwww! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex (thought bubble): How old am I? 27? / T-Rex (thought bubble): Wow, I was DEFINITELY expecting to be married by now.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1153
utahraptor's line in panel 5 as i originally typed it was "Heck, I'm not busty. Let's go right now!". PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT UNALTERED?? Off Panel: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. / T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? / T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! / T-Rex: It's so great, Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like in the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and then when they go to pick up their hat, he boxes them in the butt!! / T-Rex: WE HAVE TO GO. / Dromiceiomimus: Okay! / Utahraptor: Did I just hear you say / T-Rex and Utahraptor: "boxing kangaroo"?! / T-Rex: You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come. You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve his problems with his fists, and when he's done his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. / Utahraptor: Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! / Narrator: AT THE CIRCUS: / T-Rex: Hah hah! What's the matter, monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo??? / Monocle Guy: I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! / T-Rex: Hah! Monocle guy! The kangaroo just punched off your monocle!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1154
 
the 'fake gas smell' idea is terrible because you'll probably get arrested as a stink terrorist T-Rex: Natural gas in its natural state is colorless and odourless, right. But when it's sold, we add a distinctively smelly chemical to it, so that gas leaks can easily be detected! / T-Rex: This provides an opportunity for AMPLE PRANKS of HILARITY. / T-Rex: All I have to do is find out what that odorant is, get some myself, and spread it around someplace! People will think that there's a gas leak when REALLY, all there will be is... um - / Dromiceiomimus: Tertiary-butyl mercaptan. / T-Rex: Tertiary-butyl mercaptan! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is a very terrible idea. / T-Rex: See, I thought it was too, but then I thought, maybe it's not? / Utahraptor: Nope, it's terrible. Why not forget about t-butyl mercaptan and instead get your hands on some cadaverine and putrescine, which are the organic compounds responsible for how a corpse smells? It's a much more hilarious joke! / T-Rex: Daaaamn! That IS a much more hilarious joke! / Narrator: LATER: / Off-panel: It smells like gas and corpses in here. / T-Rex: Guys! That's me! / T-Rex: *I* did that!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1155
seriously, utahraptor, what in the heck Narrator: T-REX VISITS A GHOST TOWN. / T:Rex: Attention, any ghosts that can hear me! I have one thing to say to you: / T:Rex: this is awesome / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: It was great, Dromiceiomimus: a whole town that had been abandoned! All these collapsing buildings and rusting machines. It was APOCALYPSE PORN. / Dromiceiomimus: I'd love to see it! / T-Rex: We should go! It's so great. You get a glimpse of what the world would be like if it all went wrong, and we all died tomorrow! / Utahraptor: What actually happened to the town? / T-Rex: The mine dried up and everyone moved away! / T-Rex: But the buildings are still there, and they're great. It's clich?, but walking around you see all these amazing little tokens of previous life: a forgotten doll, a can of food long since unidentifiable... Dromiceiomimus and I are going back. Want to come? / Utahraptor: Sure! / Narrator: BACK AT THE GHOST TOWN: / Utahraptor: It's okay, I guess. It's mostly just a bunch of crappy buildings! / T-Rex: Don't even, Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: Don't even what? / T-Rex: Don't even - don't even tell me you don't appreciate the stark aesthetics and beauty of decay
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1156
when i was a kid i solemnly vowed that, when i was an adult, i would make a batch of chocolate chip cookies and eat all the dough, because my mom wouldn't let me eat raw cookie dough. it is a vow i have yet to satisfy and which haunts me still Narrator: WHAT YOUNG T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: / T-Rex: I have lots of my own money so I can eat cookie dough whenever I want. I don't even have to cook it! / T-Rex: I don't!! / T-Rex: / T-Rex: My job is "astronaut" / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: WHAT TEEN T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: / T-Rex and Utahraptor: We're rich and have our own cars! / T-Rex: yeah! / T-Rex: Hey, remember when my mom switched off my computer for no reason and didn't even let me save my game? I bet she feels bad about it NOW and wishes she had been nicer to me NOW that I've MOVED OUT FOREVER just like I said I would!! / T-Rex and Utahraptor: But it's too late! / God: T-REX NOW YOU HAVE TO SHOW AN ALIEN WOMAN WHAT LOVE IS / T-Rex: Oh, excellent! / T-Rex: That's - that's just excellent!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1157
guys, my med student friend is now my doctor friend! let's hear it for her success and her knowledge about what, in particular, makes bodies gross! T-Rex: Ssh! Come closer! / T-Rex: I know more secrets! / T-Rex: More SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! / T-Rex: Okay, so peritonitis is when your peritoneum gets infected, and the peritoneum is basically the lining for your abdominal cavity, where your guts are! So if that's infected, you're going to be in pain whenever your belly moves. And when the doctor walks in the room, he might see how you're sitting, cautious in your movements, guarding your belly, and he might suspect peritonitis. And then he might "accidentally" bump into your bed or chair! / T-Rex: If you start to scream from just that small bump, he'll know the peritonitis is bad! / Utahraptor: But why all the subterfuge? / T-Rex: Well, they can just come up and say "I'm going to shake your belly so tell me if it hurts", but that primes the patient, and they'll be LOOKING to feel pain. The bump can get you an unsolicited result and lets you quickly ascertain degree! / Utahraptor: So if you scream, they suspect bad-times peritonitis. / T-Rex: Yep! And then they'll send you for emergency surgery. Did you know that one of peritonitis' causes is your BOWELS becoming PERFORATED so that RAW SEWAGE sloshes around in your belly? / T-Rex: Man, bodies are nasty! I can TOTALLY SEE why nascent machine intelligences don't wanna hang with us.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1158
customers know what they want, but they want what they know. BUY MY BUSINESS BOOK PLZ T-Rex: My last attempt to be a motivational speaker didn't go so well. But this time I have a plan: GENERATIVE ADVICE. For example! / T-Rex: "Customers know what they want, but they want what they know!" / Dromiceiomimus: Wow, that actually sounds like good business advice, T-Rex. Customers want to buy something they're already familiar with! / T-Rex: I know, right? But I totally just made it up, according to my Generative Advice Formula. And I have tons more! Like, for a restaurant: "Customers eat what they see, but they see what they eat." / Dromiceiomimus: That one is less impressive. / T-Rex: Maybe because it follows the first one? / Utahraptor: Your formula is "Customers VERB1 what they VERB2, but they VERB2 what they VERB1", for all transitive verbs, right? / T-Rex: Okay YEAH it's obvious, but it works! And it can be customized to any environment. Self-help? "Do what you want, but want what you do." Writers? "Write what you know, but know what you write." / Utahraptor: Oh, yeah? What about colonists? / T-Rex: "Colonize what you explore, but explore what you colonize." / Utahraptor: Zookeepers! / T-Rex: "Tame what you keep, but please, keep what you tame." / Utahraptor: Nurses? / T-Rex: "Nurses take care of the injured, but they injure who they take care of." / T-Rex: Okay, whatever! My formula is still good DESPITE nurse racism.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1159
 
i saw casablanca for the first time last night! i am the guy who watches casablanca because he didn't even realize the superbowl was on Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS / Narrator: today's film: / Narrator: CASABLANCA / T-Rex: Okay so it's WWII and we're in Casablanca and people here want to go to America but they can't. But check it out: / T-Rex: I'm an American named Rick and I have two free tickets to America! / Dromiceiomimus: And I am Ilsa, a mysterious woman who had a torrid affair with you in the past, but who then stood you up at a train station. But check THIS out: I was married the whole time we were dating and still totally am! Also, I love you and you'll have to do the thinking for both of us. / T-Rex: FINE / Utahraptor: I am Captain Renault! I'm a corrupt French official but I'm totally likeable. / T-Rex: I know! / T-Rex: You APPEAR to help the Nazis in the film, but then you let me get away with murdering one at the end so that Ilsa and her weaksauce husband can go to America. The movie should really be about OUR relationship! / Utahraptor: Seriously! We're these two great dudes who get all the film's best lines. Why don't we hang out more? / God: GUYS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO COMPRESS THE FILM NOT MAKE IT INTO A GAY ROMANCE STORY / T-Rex: Too late! We already did! / Utahraptor: "Here's looking at you, kid!" / T-Rex: See, why didn't I ever say that to YOU? / T-Rex: This movie needs way more gay
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1160
it's a clothing store but he hates all the clothes. we've all been there, amiright? T-Rex: I've never worked retail! How bad could it be? / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: THIS JOB IS KILLING ME AND I CAN FEEL IT / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! Every customer is either rude or bland and my coworkers are all spiritually beaten down and when I look at them I know that soon I will be spiritually broken too! And the worst part, the WORST part is that weekends suck because I know work starts up again on Monday! I hate Mondays now!! / T-Rex: I HAVE BECOME GARFIELD / Utahraptor: Aw, come on, it's not that bad! / T-Rex: Utahraptor! / T-Rex: It totally is!! / T-Rex: And it's boring, too! It's so boring it literally steals my life force. I'm not even misusing "literally" there. I have a life force and it's precious and then I go in and then when I come out I have less of it. Hot crackers. You know what I do to pass the time? / Utahraptor: What? / T-Rex: I stare at the MANNEQUINS. / Narrator: AT THE STORE: / T-Rex [[thinking]]: It's always a cold day in mannequin land, I guess
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1161
how great would it be to compare versions of hamlet from universe 1 and universe a, noting the way the plot unfolds differently, the subtle changes in word choice, the way the character of Ophelia was merged with Polonius? PRETTY GREAT, I IMAGINE!! T-Rex: Building a time machine is hard! / T-Rex: But maybe, building a time machine to an alternate universe: NOT SO HARD?? / T-Rex: See, Dromiceiomimus, my new plan is to visit alternate universes to take back objects and ideas from them! Hopefully that will be much easier than using godless science to violate the natural laws of time? / Dromiceiomimus: So it's the same old "steal technology from the future" idea? / T-Rex: A little! But a lot of alternate universes would probably be at about the same tech level. What I'm really interested in is culture! / Utahraptor: You're hoping that in alternate universes, you'll get alternate versions of Hamlet! / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: That's a great example. Shakespeare wrote some fantastic plays, but there's only so many of them. But infinite parallel Shakespeares on infinite parallel typewriters pretty much have to give us some terrific pieces of literature! / Utahraptor: New ideas and themes from the Bard WOULD really be something! / Narrator: MEANWHILE IN UNIVERSE x95: / T-Rex: Shakespeare is the greatest author in history, but all he's written is 38 plays and 154 sonnets about "how much [he] likes to gaze at yonder bosoms"! / T-Rex: Sometimes I feel the only purpose of our universe is to act as a warning for others
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1162
krazy komics typo korner: "i've got this magic feelings bog." T-Rex: So I've got this computer problem and I can't figure it out. Half the time it boots up it find the sound card, but half the time it doesn't! Aren't computers deterministic? / T-Rex: I really thought computers were deterministic! / T-Rex: But now, it seems instead of a computer I've got this MAGIC FEELINGS BOX on my desk, and when my feelings box feels like I deserve music, I get it, and when it doesn't, I don't. It's voodoo, Dromiceiomimus! It is voodoo. / Dromiceiomimus: Any sufficiently-advance technology is indistinguishable from magic, T-Rex! Arthur C. Clarke said it. / T-Rex: He said it after he invented satellites, I KNOW / Utahraptor: I'm having a similar problem with my MP3 player! It keeps losing my playlist and I have no idea why. / T-Rex: Well Utahraptor, AS YOU KNOW, any sufficiently-advanced music player will be indistinguishable from magic. / Utahraptor: Come on, any sufficiently-advanced ANYTHING will be indistinguishable from magic. / T-Rex: Wait, you've given me a great idea! Has that saying ever been applied to... PARTIES? / Narrator: SOON, AT T-REX'S SUFFICIENTLY-ADVANCED PARTY: / Ladies: This party rules, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Thanks, ladies! / Ladies: It's sufficiently-advanced!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1163
n-gage jokes, four years behind the times, ladies and gentlemen! The Devil: T-REX I HAVE CONSIDERED THE MATTER AND THE NES WAS MOST ASSUREDLY THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME CONSOLE EVER MADE / T-Rex: Okay! / The Devil: OR WAS IT / The Devil: WHILE THE NES BOASTED AN ENVIABLE LIBRARY MANY OF ITS GAMES FOUND LARGER SUCCESS IN MORE RECENT FRANCHISE INSTALLMENTS I SUPPOSE THE DEFINITION OF "GREATEST" IS OF PRIMARY CONCERN / T-Rex: Oh God. Utahraptor, do you think the NES was the greatest video games system ever? / Utahraptor: Huh? What? / T-Rex: The Devil is clearly trying to get me involved in a doubtlessly fruitless discussion of "OMG BEST VIDEO GAME SYSTEM EVAR" and I was hoping maybe you could take the ball on this one. / Utahraptor: But I can't hear him! It'd be a pointless discussion. / T-Rex: Oh God, it already is. / T-Rex: Okay, look! You want to know what the greatest video game system ever is? It's the N-Gage. / The Devil: WHAT WHAT I AM IN HELL AND THAT IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1164
 
if you have never seen "one froggy evening" then hey, welcome to confusion towne. TOO BAD WE DON'T HAVE THE EXACT SAME CULTURAL UPBRINGING, HUH?? [[Song from off-panel.]] / Michigan J. Frog: Hello! my baby / Hello! my honey / Hello! my ragtime gal / Send me a kiss by wire / Baby, my heart's on fire! / Narrator: T-REX IN: ONE FROGGY EVENING / [[T-Rex imagines himself theatrically promoting the singing frog as in the cartoon. Dollar signs are around his head.]] / Utahraptor: So you were dating the singing frog from Warner Brothers? / T-rex: What? No! It's an allegory! / Utahraptor: I don't get it. She's the singing frog and you tried to make money off her performances, but she never sang showtunes when you wanted her to? Is that the story? / T-rex: I was telling you about a woman I dated! She was fun alone but clammed up in public. The frog was an allegory! A Chuck Jones allegory! / God: WHY WERE THERE DOLLAR SIGNS AROUND YOUR HEAD IN THE ALLEGORY THEN / T-rex: They represented my selfish excitement to show her off in front of my friends! / God: HEY CHECK IT OUT / God: ME AND THE OTHER GODS ALL DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU NEVER USED AN ALLEGORY AGAIN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1165
if you have never seen "one froggy evening" then hey, welcome to confusion towne. TOO BAD WE DON'T HAVE THE EXACT SAME CULTURAL UPBRINGING, HUH?? [[Song from off-panel.]] / Michigan J. Frog: Hello! my baby / Hello! my honey / Hello! my ragtime gal / Send me a kiss by wire / Baby, my heart's on fire! / Narrator: T-REX IN: ONE FROGGY EVENING / [[T-Rex imagines himself theatrically promoting the singing frog as in the cartoon. Dollar signs are around his head.]] / Utahraptor: So you were dating the singing frog from Warner Brothers? / T-rex: What? No! It's an allegory! / Utahraptor: I don't get it. She's the singing frog and you tried to make money off her performances, but she never sang showtunes when you wanted her to? Is that the story? / T-rex: I was telling you about a woman I dated! She was fun alone but clammed up in public. The frog was an allegory! A Chuck Jones allegory! / God: WHY WERE THERE DOLLAR SIGNS AROUND YOUR HEAD IN THE ALLEGORY THEN / T-rex: They represented my selfish excitement to show her off in front of my friends! / God: HEY CHECK IT OUT / God: ME AND THE OTHER GODS ALL DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU NEVER USED AN ALLEGORY AGAIN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1165
it tastes like when a fireman's house burns down, but after the fireman was like, no way is my house ever gonna burn down T-Rex: The problem with Valentine's Day is that, if you get your sweetie chocolates, the sweetness of the gesture is tainted with some measure of Societal Expectation! / T-Rex: That's the problem with Valentine's Day! / T-Rex: And that's all I have to say on the subject!! / Utahraptor: T-Rex! / Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! / T-Rex: WHAT? / Utahraptor: I got you a chocolate / T-Rex: These chocolates don't taste like they're tainted by Societal Expectation at all. Thank you Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: You're welcome! / T-Rex: They taste a little like ironic comeuppance, but - / T-Rex: I like that flavour.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1166
homo superior T-Rex: Synesthesia is an amazing neurological condition in which one sensory pathway involuntarily stimulates another. The result is sensory overlap: tones with distinct tastes, letters of the alphabet with their own shades of colour! / T-Rex: People with synesthesia BASICALLY have super powers. / T-Rex: There's all sorts of synesthesia: some people taste words and syllables when they say them - sometimes even if they just think them! Others have distinct personalities associated with numbers or letters, so that the letter "M" might be polite while "7" gets all up in everyone's fries. They still sense normally, it's just they've got this extra layer of perception on top of what the rest of us get. I admit to being jealous! / Utahraptor: I actually know a woman who has synesthesia, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Oh wow! Really? / T-Rex: I'd love to meet her. I know she might not be as into her condition as I am and that I'm probably glorifying it or at least fetishizing it some, but I'd still love to talk to her about it! / Utahraptor: You are, but it's okay, she's into it too! She loves it, actually. I'll give you her number! / Narrator: SOON: / Friend: So yeah, notes that are higher tend to be brighter colours for me! / T-Rex: I see what you're saying there! / T-Rex: Pretty clever, right? My friends say I'm "pretty clever". / T-Rex: We should date!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1167
the statute of limitations on 22-year-old ryan has run out! yesssss T-Rex: So I kind of shot my mouth off on an online forum? / T-Rex: And it happened to be a forum in which I use my real name! / T-Rex: And now I am concerned that if someone looks up my name online, they will see me acting like a jerk, and will conclude that I AM a jerk, and then they won't want to hire me or marry me or whatever. They - they won't want to do the thing that they were thinking of doing before they looked up my name. / Utahraptor: So what are you going to do? / T-Rex: Avoid it, dude! / T-Rex: The way I figure it, after about five years we gain the ability to look back on anything and laugh, and I can reasonably say "Oh, but I was young and stupid back then!". So, BASICALLY, I'm going to wait five years and then stop worrying about it. / Utahraptor: I see. / Narrator: FOUR AND A HALF YEARS LATER: / T-Rex's Grandma: Hey T-rex, you were a real dick on the internet four and a half years ago! / T-Rex: I KNOW, GRANDMA. / T-Rex: HOW DIDTHE MUFFINS YOU WERE PLANNING TO BAKE TURN OUT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1168
T-Rex's Thought Process Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, do you want to go swimming this evening with me and some friends? / T-Rex's Mental Text: Do I want to go swimming? / Radio Button 1: Yes / Radio Button 2: No / T-Rex's Mental Text: Do I want to go swimming? / Radio Button 1: Yes / Radio Button 2: No / Radio Button 3: Maybe, but who's going? I don't want to go swimming if that guy from high school who made fun of me at the beach is there. / Radio Button 4: Hah hah, but what if he's really dumb looking now? Hah hah hah! / Radio Button 5 (selected): "GREETINGS! Your face is now STUPID!!" / Radio Button 6: Hah hah hah! / Radio Button 7: Sweet. / T-Rex's Mental Text: Wait, my list doesn't make sense. The responses don't follow from the question! / Radio Button 1 (selected): It's cool / Utahraptor: T-Rex? / Utahraptor: What the heck, T-Rex? I invite you out a'swimmin, and you get a far-away look in your eyes and walk away? / T-Rex's Mental Text: Aw darn, I totally did that. What should I do? / Radio Button 1 (selected): Apologize / Radio Button 2 (selected): Make a mental list / Radio Button 3 (selected): Add small tasks so that accomplishment is EASY / Radio Button 4 (selected): Radio buttons don't actually work like this
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1169
 
Good, nobody's around. Now I can stop self-narrating and do something REALLY embarrassing! Narrator: EARLIER: / T-Rex: Good, nobody's around. Now I can do something REALLY embarrassing! / [[Black bar over T-Rex's eyes]] / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: It occurs to me: every time I do something private, I'm REALLY just betting that technology to look into the arbitrary past won't ever be developed. Because if it is ever invented, game over, man, game over! People will be able to look at any moment in history! / T-Rex: Folks will know all of my embarrassing little SECRETS. / Utahraptor: Actually, T-Rex, there's been a few stories written on that theme: Asimov and Clarke both wrote one! / Utahraptor: The technology means the end of all privacy, but also the end of most violent crime... / T-Rex: Okay YEAH I read them! All I'm saying is it just takes this tech to be developed ONCE, at any point in the future, and my privacy is pooched. Friggin' dudes watching me poop 20,000 years in the future. / Narrator: TWENTY-THOUSAND YEARS IN THE FUTURE: / Future Dude 1: I don't know why he thought we'd want to watch him poop. / Future Dude 2: Yeah, it's weird! / Future Dude 3: Let's just do it though
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1170
anyway a week later t-rex is forced to go through with this and kisses a guy who found out he only has a month to live. it doesn't work out and the last month ends up being super awkward for everyone involved. the end! T-Rex: Some people do not cherish awkward moments as I do. Lukily for them, I have come up with a solution! / T-Rex: The solution, as in most things, is smooching! / T-Rex: Awkward moments are awkward because nobody knows what to do or say. But if you swoop in for a kiss, it's no longer an awkward moment! You've avoided it entirely by transitioning it into a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HACK NOW I HAVE TO SLAP THIS PERSON FOR THEIR UNWANTED ADVANCES" or even a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HECK NOW THEY LOVE ME TOO" / Dromiceiomimus: I feel like you haven't thought this out, T-Rex. / Dromiceiomimus: I - I really do. / Utahraptor: My friend, if you're going to be doing that much kissing, you'd better brush up a bit on it! / T-Rex: wHAT? / Utahraptor: I'm serious! If you kiss someone and it's a sucky kiss, that just escalates the awkward moment! And I don't mean to brag, but I'm a pretty great kisser. One time I kissed a guy and he said, UNSOLICITED, that it was the best kiss he'd ever had. / T-Rex: Seriously? Can you teach me? / T-Rex: with - words? / Narrator: THAT EVENING: / T-Rex: Nobody even noticed how I made my examples of the awkward moment kiss gender neutral! / T-Rex: It's so you can imagine a man slapping a woman after an unwanted kiss, and then you get to examine your ideas of gender roles and heteronormativity
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1171
what is the upper bound on the speed of the treadmill, given perfect manufacturing techniques? i imply it's terminal velocity but i really don't know. randall? any help? T-Rex: I would like to have an inclined treadmill, so that I could build an indoor skateboarding track. Am I that crazy? / T-Rex: Am I that crazy... TO DREAM? / T-Rex: The idea is that it's like a moving sidewalk, but the speed is computer controlled! So you hop on your skateboard and get on the track, and within a few moments the speed of the treadmill is exactly matching the speed your board would otherwise be travelling at! You're not moving, but the board FEELS like it's travelling at speed. / T-Rex: The slogan will be, "Yes. You can skateboard in your apartment in winter." / Utahraptor: So it's like a reverse Segway, only the computer controls speed by moving the ground, instead of the wheels. / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: But can you imagine how fun it would be, to have that sensation of movement indoors, while not actually moving? / Utahraptor: And hey, if you fall, you'll be whipped backwards at the speed you were travelling at! / T-Rex: Here's a solution to that! DON'T FALL DOWN?? / Utahraptor: But you're describing a virtual infinite hill. The treadmill will eventually have to be moving at terminal velocity! / T-Rex: Oh yeah, NOBODY is gonna want to buy the TERMINAL VELOCITY SKATEBOARD SIMULATOR. / Utahraptor: I just - / T-Rex: EXTREME! !
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1172
THERE ARE PROBABLY OTHER CONCERNS AS WELL. T-Rex: Okay, so whatever. MAYBE the Terminal Velocity Skateboard Simulator would never reach terminal velocity, since there's no wind resistance. But do we not have an obligation to future generations to make sure?? / Narrator: NOPE / T-Rex: Whatever! If I were in the future and I could open up a book and see "The awesome terminal velocity skateboard didn't work, OH WELL", then I would do that. / Dromiceiomimus: I don't think you would, T-Rex! Because you could basically do that today, if you wanted to read up on the physics. The issue is that even with the ground moving, the board is going to slide down the ramp because of gravity. / T-Rex: Ridiculous! There's friction in the wheels that - / Utahraptor: - wouldn't be enough! / Utahraptor: The treadmill speeds up to match the board's forward momentum, right? But if you've got impossibly perfect bearings, that's just going to make the wheels go faster while the board still slides down. So it's just the friction in the bearings that can keep you in place, and at the levels we're talking about, your wheels would melt first! / T-Rex: FINE. You know what? FINE. I'm done dreaming! / {{In T-Rex's thoughts.}} Bathroom symbol for women: t-rex we symbolically represent sexy babes who forgot our clothes today! wooo! / T-Rex: Okay, NOW I'm done dreaming. / {{In T-Rex's thoughts.}} Bathroom symbol for women: we're still here woooo
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1173
it's changed from skateboard simulator to 'old man on the porch yelling at kids to get off his lawn revenge fantasy realizer', and i'm - i'm happy with that. T-Rex: Guys! Guys! / T-Rex: I came up with a way to get my skateboard treadmill to work! / T-Rex: All I need is a treadmill that tilts! / T-Rex: That way, rather than relying on friction and stuff to manage the position of the skateboarder, I can just tilt the incline up or down in order to keep them in the right position. Then, hey presto, it works and physics is happy! FOR ONCE. / T-Rex: Alternatively, I could have a giant fan, like the kind used in skydiving simulators, and use air to help keep the skateboarder where I want him to be. / Utahraptor: Both of these seem like pretty expensive solutions! / T-Rex: It's true! / T-Rex: And I realized: if I do have this giant fan, it'll be way more fun to use it OFFENSIVELY than it'd be to simulate skating indoors. So anyway, I bought the fan, installed it on my house and now I blow enemies off my lawn. / Utahraptor: Ha, no way! / T-Rex: Utahraptor. It's so awesome. / Narrator: THAT EVENING: / T-Rex: Attention, enemies! / T-Rex: Why not come onto my lawn for a second
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1174
 

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