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if anyone wants to make a new dinosaur comics game, the premise from yesterday's comic (t-rex using a giant fan to blow enemies off his lawn) seems as great a premise as any. T-Rex: Wouldn't it be great if people didn't need to be happy? / T-Rex: YES. Yes it probably would! / T-Rex: I mean, I get that depression (UNhappiness) has a host of issues associated with it, but what I'm describing is more Ahappiness - the ability to not need happiness at all! Happiness is this - this FUEL that we need to function in society, but it doesn't last forever, and then we need to find more. It's like food, only it's drained every time we have to do something sucky! Also, you can't buy happiness at a grocery store. I'm sorry, Safeway, but you just CAN'T. / T-Rex: But what if I removed that desire for happiness? What if instead of feeding the world, I simply killed hunger? / Utahraptor: T-Rex! / Utahraptor: This is crazy! You can't just pluck an emotion out of the psyche, and we don't have technology that even approaches this. When did you ever think you were going to do this? / T-Rex: "Do this?" Utahraptor, do you seriously think I'd explain my masterstroke if there was the slightest chance of you affecting it's outcome? / T-Rex: I did it thirty-five minutes ago. / T-Rex: Hah, just kidding! I tried to come up with a way to suppress happiness, but I'm not HAPPY with the results yet. / T-Rex: BAH DUM DUM CHING??
t-rex always concerned with the ol' resume T-Rex: It turns out my "ahappiness" idea is actually pretty close to the Buddhist idea of transcending desire! I HAVE INDEPENDENTLY INVENTED BUDDHISM. / T-Rex: Nice! / T-Rex: That's one for the ol' resume, eh Dromiceiomimus? "Independently invented Buddhism." Put that down next to "Received props from a bear", "High-fived a bear", and "Has a driver's license that suggests my middle name is 'Commander Punchy'." / Dromiceiomimus: I remember that driver's license! / T-Rex: Who could forget? / Utahraptor: But do you really have a resume that says that stuff? / T-Rex: My friend, I sure do! / T-Rex: It's my Emergency Resume, used only in situations in which I really really want the job. If it's a regular old job it gets the regular old resume, but if it's a really good job, I bust out the "E.R." / Utahraptor: And it works? / T-Rex: Hasn't failed me yet! / Narrator: EARLIER: / Off-panel speaker: I'm sorry, T-Rex, but we feel you're not the best qualified application for this position. / T-Rex: But have you examined Appendix A of my resume, in whice there is an amazingly sweet HOLOGRAPHIC Batman sicker? / Off-panel speaker: !! / Off-panel speaker: I have NOT
Richard the Third games comics T-Rex: Before I used to dread the "what are you doing with your life" question, but not anymore! This is because I've decided what I'm doing with my life: creating SHAKESPEARE VIDEO GAMES. / T-Rex: Could this TRULY be the greatest calling ever? / T-Rex: And I already have tons of ideas, like "Richard the Third the Game"! In the introductory thematic you trade your kingdom for a horse, and then you spend the rest of the game riding around your old kingdom on a horse. / Dromiceiomimus: So it's a platformer? / T-Rex: With stealth elements! Your horse isn't very good, and so sometimes you're embarrassed about your horse, and then you have to sneak around. / Utahraptor: You really think people want to ride around on a platforming horse as Richard the Third? / T-Rex: I know I do! / Utahraptor: So, what, the ice level is called "Winter of Discontent"? / T-Rex: No, that's dumb. The ice level is called "Oh, no! King Richard The Third Has Chilly Pants." / T-Rex: Look, I'm going to prototype it tonight, so by this time tomorrow, we'll see what's what. / Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: / T-Rex: So, Utahraptor! What do you think? / Utahraptor: This is just a picture of Richard the Third's head on Duke Nukem's body. / T-Rex: It's as far as I got before it was too awesome!
t-rex you are programming a platformer, apparently in qbasic, so where are you pulling out this b tree stuff from T-Rex: My Richard The Third The Video Game is going to be FANTASTIC. / God: MAN I HEAR THAT / T-Rex: All I need to do is program it! / LATER: / T-Rex: Um, APPARENTLY, programming is for folks who are thrilled when a computer reminds them they're missing a bracket or semicolon? It must be, because they make that happen SO OFTEN. / Dromiceiomimus: So its not going well? / T-Rex: I CAN'T EVEN GET RICHARD THE THIRD TO MOVE. You know what my game is now? My game is NIBBLES, with the text changed from "Copyright Microsoft 1990" to "man, forget this" / Utahraptor: Programming's a skill! / T-Rex: I know that! / T-Rex: I just thought it was a skill I could pick up easily. I don't need to know everything! I don't need to know the difference between friggin' binary and B+ search trees! ALL I WANT TO KNOW is how to make Richard III's sucky horse do double jumps, you know? / Utahraptor: You've got to learn to crawl before you can run, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Hey, here's a tip! / T-Rex: Crawling sucks!
t-rex the talking dinosaur in: "i have no idea of what to do with my nazi pin." T-Rex: I have a problem. I have come into possession of a pin from the 1935 Nuremberg Rally, and I really don't know what to do with it. Hitler's face is on the pin. It's a Nazi pin! *I* have a Nazi pin! / T-Rex: This is not good news for Team T-Rex! / T-Rex: I'm trapped! I can't just throw it out, because it's History. But there's no way I'm selling it, either: I don't want to profit from, um, NAZIS, and I wouldn't want to sell to anyone who'd be interested in buying it anyway. / Dromiceiomimus: Where'd you get it? / T-Rex: My grandfather died a few months ago and I was given this part of his estate. He found it after the war, in the rafters of a house he bought! / T-Rex: Man! I don't want to go through life as a Nazi pin guy! / Utahraptor: Why not just give it away? / T-Rex: To whom? "Hi! You seem like a woman who appreciates her Nazi memorabilia"? No, I can't just pass this off on someone else: it just shifts these issues onto them. I've got to handle this myself. / Utahraptor: But how? / T-Rex: I'll think of something! / Narrator: THAT EVENING: / T-Rex: What if I started wearing it under a shirt when I go out? That way, if I got hit by a car, the discovery of the pin will ENTIRELY OVERSHADOW anything I've ever accomplished in my life! / T-Rex: No, that - that only makes things worse.
this one time in high school we reverse pickpocketed some condoms into a guy's jacket. then, when the guy put his hand in his pocket, he'd be reminded of the importance of safe sex! T-Rex: I have a new problem. Now I have come into possession of several kilograms of Nazi memorabilia! / T-Rex: It - it came in the mail? / T-Rex: Somehow word got out that I'm a Nazi Pin Guy and now I have everyone else's Nazi pins. And flags. And uniforms and boots and chapeaus. I basically have a WWII Re-Enactment Society in my basement, Dromiceiomimus. BUT ONLY FOR ONE SIDE. / Dromiceiomimus: Your problems just seem to - escalate, huh? / T-Rex: I wish I knew why / Utahraptor: Give it to a museum, T-Rex! They'll take it! / T-Rex: That's a great idea! / T-Rex: My pin was too common to interest a museum, but the rest of this stuff COULD be given away like that! / Utahraptor: Right, and you could probably find history teachers to take the more common artifacts! / T-Rex: Wow, all I have to do is follow your advice, and all my problems are solved! / Narrator: LATER: / Offstage: I don't understand why you're paying me to slip this Nazi memorabilia into the pockets of strangers. / T-Rex: Oh, I'm sorry, did I accidentally hire a PLAN CRITICIZER? I thought I was hiring a Reverse Pickpocket! / Offstage: I- I- / Offstage: i can do both
are you and utahraptor on teams? T-Rex: Ted's so great. I just want to hang out with him all day long! / Narrator: T-REX HAS MET A MAN WHOSE VOICE SOUNDS JUST LIKE A TEXT-TO-SPEECH SYNTHESIZER! NEAT / T-Rex: It's like hanging out with a computer friend, only he has emotions! Well, I guess it's MORE like hanging out with a regular friend, only when he says "Pass me a bowl of fruit" it comes out as a monotonic "Pass me a boal of frui-it". What's not to like? / Dromiceiomimus: He has a vocoder? / T-Rex: What he has, Dromiceiomimus, is a gift! The gift is labelled "best accent ever". / Utahraptor: Whoah, hold the front page! T-Rex is fetishizing the other! / T-Rex: I'm NOT. / Utahraptor: You totally are! You never have a middle ground: it's always "oh, it's not for me" or "oh WOW this thing I don't have is so AMAZING how can this be so AWESOME?" / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. His speaking voice sounds like a text-to-speech synthesizer. That is awesome! That is objectively awesome. / Utahraptor: I dunno - I still think you fetishize the other, T-Rex! What do you think, Mr. Tusks? / Mr. Tusks: I think he does it a TINY bit, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: Mr. Tusks!! / T-Rex: this smile is because I'm always happy to see you, not for your conversational betrayal!
readers who don't want any more than three panels of about meta-conversation about car bumpers: I'VE GOT YOUR BACK T-Rex: How come car bumpers aren't all at the same height on cars? It's dumb that they're not. The whole point of bumpers is to cushion bumps, but if they don't meet, then they only serve as Impact Hasteners. / T-Rex: I could say this is one situation in which the free market fails! But I won't! / T-Rex: I can already see where that would go: a discussion of how style sells cars and bumpers are subject to that, but how government controls could legislate that all bumpers be a standard height, thereby saving lives. THEN, we could segue into internationalization problems with how foreign car makers might not want to redesign their cars for only our market, but we still need cars, so hey, let's talk corporate control over our national interests! AND SO ON. / Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is BORING. Let's talk about something interesting, like the vacuum robot I bought! / T-Rex: Oh, wow! AGREED! / Voice from outside the panel: THERE.IS.NO.NEED.T-REX.BECAUSE.I.AM.RIGHT.HERE / T-Rex: Wow! You taught it to recognize me? / Utahraptor: Yes! / Voice from outside the panel: PLEASE.DON'T.TALK.LIKE.I'M.NOT.HERE.T-REX. / Voice from outside the panel: IT.MAKES.ME.WANT.TO.NOT.VACUUM.FOR.YOU / Voice from outside the panel: VACUUM.ROBOT.DIRECTIVE.THREE.SPECIFIES.THAT.THIS.IS.THE.WORST.THING
a spark ignites the gas. which gas? the EXPLOSION gas T-Rex: I have come up with the ultimate disaster movie! It is called "OH GOSH: A SERIES OF DISASTERS" and what happens is a guy gets out of bed, stubs his toe and says, / T-Rex: "Oh, GOSH!" / T-Rex: Then he falls down the stairs! / T-Rex: Then he smashes through a load-bearing beam at the bottom and his house collapses! And then a spark from a broken lamp ignites the gas, and his house explodes, shooting the guy out into the sky and lighting the surrounding houses on fire. By the time the fire department arrives the entire block is aflame, and also, their fire truck is on fire. Then the fire reaches a power station, causes a cascade failure, and power goes down for the enitre country, and soon, the world! / Utahraptor: The power failure goes worldwide? / T-Rex: The guys in charge of preventing that were watching the fires on TV! / T-Rex: Anyway, things progress and characters keep saying "What is with this... Series of Disasters?" It's so good, Utahraptor. Volcanoes erupt, earthquakes strike, and meteors hit just as soon as all the other stuff gets boring. / Utahraptor: And let me guess: at the end the Earth explodes? / T-Rex: Yes, but after the credits, the original guy wakes up and says "Whew! It was all a dream!" Then he gets out of bed, STUBS HIS TOE, turns to the camera in terror, wide-eyed, and screams "Oh GOSSSSSH!!!" / T-Rex: Holy crap. There's nothing not to like in my movie.
"It is not known exactly when Road Trips were ‘invented’, but technically they have been around as long as people have had roads to travel and vehicles to travel with." HEY THERE, THANKS WIKIPEDIA T-Rex: Normally people have trouble with sequels after their first idea is so, and I'll say it, so transcendentally brilliant. But not me! I have ideas for basically infinite sequels. / T-Rex: Basically infinite out-of-genre cover sequels, that is! / T-Rex: When my explosion-centric disaster movie comes out and people want more, I will say to them, "No, ACTUALLY, you want the same thing, but this time, as a gross-out comedy!" / Dromiceiomimus: So the story starts out the same, but the guy slips on some lube and then lands in an old jock strap! / T-Rex: Hah! PRECISELY. And it keeps happening throughout the film. The power goes out, and nationwide, folks slip on the lube. / Utahraptor: The next sequel could be a road trip movie! / T-Rex: EVEN BETTER. / T-Rex: Some TEENS go out on a road trip and unwittingly stay just ahead of all the destruction! You can see it in the background of some of the shots, but they never notice...because they are all too busy learning about friendship! / Utahraptor: I like it! Dozens of sequels, all revolving around the same story! / T-Rex: A western! A loner cowboy, caught between wilderness and civilization, enters the nation and tries to stop the disasters! / Utahraptor: Does he succeed? / T-Rex: No. He shoots a lot of guys while failing to stop it, though! / T-Rex: "There is a showdown between a cowboy and a volcano."
we also expect killer robots to go "clankity clank" and alien babes to be sexy. NOT UNREASONABLY FOR THE LATTER, I WOULD ARGUE T-Rex: THE AMAZING STORY OF EDWARD S. CURTIS. Edward S. Curtis was a photographer of American Indians in the early 1900s! I know he was tough because his middle name was "Sheriff". / T-Rex: For most of his life he documented the disappearing "great race" of the Indian! / T-Rex: He took over 40 thousand photographs - not bad for one guy! And in many cases, his records are the only recorded history we've got. But what's amazing about Curtis is that he specifically set out to record the doomed people his culture imagined Indians to be: the noble savage, the Indian that was alien, stoic, exotic and dying. / T-Rex: And when he met Indians that DIDN'T meet his expectations, he just changed them for his photographs. / Utahraptor: How? / T-Rex: Man, he carried boxes of "Indian" clothing and wigs with him: ethnic signifiers for his subjects if they didn't look Indian enough! And his Indian was clean-shaven, so he'd pay men to shave. / Utahraptor: It's an interesting conflict in the guy: record the Indian before they "die out", but already know what you want to see. / T-Rex: Yep! I think it's amazing how we've still got this idea of the Indian that we look for. If there's no headdress we're disappointed! / Utahraptor: Only if we're RACIST, T-Rex. / T-Rex: That's what I'm saying! / T-Rex: Everybody's friggin' racist!
CMPRSD SNG CMCS Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS / Narrator: "HOLLABACK GIRL" / Narrator: BY GWEN STEFANI AND PHARRELL WILLIAMS / T-Rex: Gwen Stefani is not a holla back girl! This is her shit, and it is recognized as bananas. / T-Rex: Bananas is spelt, "b-a-n-a-n-a-s". / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS / Narrator: "I CAN'T HELP MYSELF" / Narrator: BY THE FOUR TOPS / T-Rex: The narrator can't help himself and wants you, and nobody else. You are aware of this. Despite (or because) of this, you, Sugarpie, Honeybunch, left a picture of yourself in his possession, and he kissed it one thousand times. / Utahraptor: The narrator denies any personal liability, saying love justifies these actions. / Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS / Narrator: "I WANNA BE LOVED BY YOU" / T-Rex: Marilyn Monroe wants to be loved and kissed by you. She has no greater aspirations and is filled with desire to make you her own. / T-Rex: Boop-boop-a-doop.
The Beach Boys have talked about living together at length, but have come to feel that this speculation only makes their present situation worse; nevertheless, they continue to want to talk about it. Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE" BY THE BEACH BOYS / T-Rex: The Beach Boys... well, it seems the Beach Boys wish they were older, living together, and sleeping with each other. / T-Rex: They describe such a scenario as "nice"! / T-Rex: Other scenarios they describe as "nice" include all five Beach Boys waking up together, spending the day together, and then holding each other close. They also wish their kisses were neverending, as that would be nice, and they wish they were all married, they'd be happy. "Wouldn't [that] be nice?", they ask each other in the chorus, largely rhetorically. / Utahraptor: They're talking to a GIRL, T-Rex, not each other! / T-Rex: So heteronormative! / T-Rex: Listen, if there's a group of people on stage and they start out throwing out "wouldn't it be nice if WE were older"s, I don't imagine a hypothetical female third party! I look at THEM. / Utahraptor: They address later lyrics to "baby"! / T-Rex: That is an audience member baby, acting as a SCRIBE. / Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "SURF CITY" BY THE BEACH BOYS / T-Rex: After moving in together, the Beach Boys take a trip to Surf City, where there's two women for every man! / T-Rex: It's difficult to reconcile the events in this song with established Beach Boys canon
up next: beatles songs in movie format OH WAIT WAIT Narrator: SONGS IN LIMERICK FORM COMICS / T-Rex: What? What? / Narrator: THE WHITE STRIPES: SEVEN NATION ARMY / T-Rex: Okay, um: There was a young man who would yell, That we all had a story to tell, Feelings in his bones Said to find a home From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell! / God: THAT'S REALLY NOT BAD FOR SOMETHING RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD / T-Rex: I know, right? Go me! / Utahraptor: Is that what we do now? Just shift songs into different formats? / T-Rex: It's fun! / Utahraptor: I just was hoping to hear more about you and your life right now, you know? How'd that Nazi Pin thing work out for you? / T-Rex: Okay, honestly, who wants to hear about Nazi pins? / Utahraptor: Me! I do. / T-Rex: And INSTEAD, who wants to hear me sing the classic rock power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart", while SIMULTANEOUSLY transforming the chorus into one focused on NAUGHTY LIMERICKS?? / Utahraptor: I do! I do! / T-Rex: Um / T-Rex: You only get one vote, UTAHRAPTOR
you know those things where someone keeps trying to get fired by making ridiculous bouquets, but they keep being these really great bouquets? it was one of those things. T-Rex: You know the trope in cartoons where there's a "help wanted" sign, and the unemployed hero will go into the store and take the sign down, because he's SO SURE he'll get the job? / T-Rex: But then the boss hates him so much that he LITERALLY kicks him out and then slaps the sign back up? / T-Rex: I wish that happened more in real life. / T-Rex: *sigh* / Narrator: A FEW MONTHS LATER: / Utahraptor: T-Rex! There's a store downtown with a help wanted sign up! / T-Rex: So? / Utahraptor: Don't you remember how you wanted to see that cartoon thing in real life? Now's your chance! / T-Rex: Yes! You're right, this IS my chance! I forgot about it untill now! / T-Rex: Oh man oh man! / Narrator: THAT EVENING: / T-Rex: Guess what, mom? I got a job I don't want as a florist today, entirely by accident! / T-Rex's Mom: How come this sort of stuff happens to you, T-Rex? / T-Rex: MOM / T-Rex: It's because I am trying to live in CARTOONS.
Jason Statham and i would make good teams. i am convinced of it T-Rex: A lot of people seem to have trouble separating actors from their roles. / T-Rex: But not me! / T-Rex: I'm different from everyone else. I get that Bruce Willis might not be that useful if terrorists take over an office tower Christmas party! / Deomiceiomimus: Come on, T-Rex. You suspect he'd be good to have around. If you were choosing your members for your "taking down terrorists while dying hard" team, you've pick Bruce first. / T-Rex: Nope. He'd have to earn it! We'd do sports or something to see. / Utahraptor: Ridiculous! You confuse actors and the characters they play as much as any of us. / T-Rex: I really don't! / T-Rex: I won't say that I'm "better" for having this skill of "actor separation", but it's a skill I have that makes me better. / Utahraptor: You totally like actors if you like their characters, and vice versa. Come on, follow me. I'll prove it. / Narrator: SOON: / Utahraptor: T-Rex, there's Ben Affleck. Do you have anything to say to him? / T-Rex: BEN I QUESTION YOUR ACTING ABILITY! IF WE WERE ALL FRIENDS, I AM CERTAIN YOU WOULD BE "THE IRRITATING ONE"! / T-Rex: Oh my gosh, Utahraptor! I concede your point!
i walked into a low-hanging support wire on the weekend so hard that it drew blood. luckily, my extreme height has ensured that my head already covered in protective calluses, so no real damage was done! T-Rex: Okay, so let's say I sleep 8 hours a day: that's 16 hours a day I'm awake. / T-Rex: And let's say I'm knocked unconscious for, on average, 2 hours a year! / T-Rex: That takes into account times I hit my head on low-hanging chandeliers, and times when enemies punch my head. Okay, so that's, what - 243 days of consciousness a year? 66% of the year. I've had almost 18 years of consciousness since I was born. / T-Rex: I should have done more by now! / Utahraptor: Why haven't you cured cancer yet, T-Rex? What is the friggin' hold up? / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: Cancer's a bad example because I'm so far from being a doctor, but what HAVE I done with my mind, with my brainpower? I've had, effectively, 18 full years, uninterrupted without sleep, to think about the world's problems! And I've solved ZERO of them. / Utahraptor: I don't know what to tell you, my friend! / Narrator: 15 YEARS LATER / T-Rex: Man, I STILL haven't solved any world issues! This is like a mid-life crisis, except it's been ongoing since I was six! / T-Rex's Lady Friend: This is the worst first date I've ever been on. / T-Rex: AW CRAP I'M NOT MARRIED YET EITHER??
this is not breaking the fourth wall. this is just an unreliable narrator that the characters can hear this once for some reason. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE? Unreliable Narrator: THINGS T-REX HAS DESCRIBED AS "NEAT": AGE 8: NINJA TURTLES / T-Rex: Hah, I sure did describe ninja turtles as being neat! Splinter taught them to be ninja teams! What's not neat about that? / T-Rex: HE GAVE THEM THE TOOLS THEY NEEDED FOR LIFE SUCCESS. / Unreliable Narrator: AGE 22: KISSING FINGERTIPS / T-Rex: What? No, I never said that! It's not true!! / Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah! "Hey baby, I'm T-Rex! Can *I* kiss your fingertips?" / T-Rex: I never said that, Dromiceiomimus! You'd better not have quotation marks around that!! / Unreliable Narrator: AGE 23: KISSING ELBOWS / Utahraptor: Into the 'bows, I see! / T-Rex: I'M NOT! This is an unreliable narrator! / Unreliable Narrator: AGE 24: KISSING BUMS / T-Rex: Total sass. / Utahraptor: Is it the curve of the bums that you like, or is it the wide plain of flesh? / T-Rex: Oh my God. TOTAL SASS. / Unreliable Narrator: AGE 30: KISSING BUMS ON HIS ELBOWS / T-Rex: I'm not even 30 years old! / Unreliable Narrator: YOU'LL SAY IT IN THE FUTURE / T-Rex: Maybe "bums" refers to our nation's homeless persons? / Unreliable Narrator: NOPE CAN'T SAY THAT IT DOES
in researching this comic i kept forgetting what side i was on God: T-REX YESTERDAY YOU SAID THAT SPLINTER TAUGHT THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TO BE NINJA TEAMS / T-Rex: I did and I stand by it! / God: UM / God: PRETTY SURE THE LYRICS SAY HE TAUGHT THEM TO BE NINJA TEENS / T-Rex: Listen, okay, you don't have to be taught how to be a ninja TEEN. If you're a ninja and you're a teen, then you're already being a ninja teen! But working in groups can be a challenge, especially for siblings, and Splinter provided valuable leadership and guidance on that matter and that's what the lyrics are saying. He taught them to be ninja TEAMS. / Utahraptor: But they always operate as a group, right? There's really only one ninja team, singular. / T-Rex: EVERYONE IS WRONG BUT ME. / T-Rex: And I'll prove it to you! I'll track down Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird and find out, alright? And then you'll all have to apologize to me and say "Oh, T-Rex, I was so wrong! Teamwork is the REAL treasure." / Utahraptor: What - / T-Rex: I'm doing it!! / LATER: / Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman: Can't we all just agree that Raphael is cool? But, ON OCCASION, he can also be crude. / T-Rex: Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman! / T-Rex: I must request that you give me a break!
SOMEONE'S new year's resolution was "to cause less regret" T-Rex: A lot of folks get tattoos commemorating life experiences they've had. / T-Rex: Guys! We can do better! / T-Rex: I'm going to get tattoos commemorating life experiences I WISH I'd had. Perhaps a nice banner on my chest that says, "Around the World Race Participant: Giraffe Division!" Or there could be a picture of me, riding a giraffe, and then the giraffe is straddling the world. / Dromiceiomimus: I don't think you'd fit on a giraffe, T-Rex. / T-Rex: That's why I'm working in the fanciful medium of the tattoo! / Utahraptor: These ideas aren't actually that bad! I think tattoos should be ridiculous. / T-Rex: I know! / T-Rex: I also thought passive-aggressive tattoos would be fun. Like instead of a heart that says, "Mom", a heart that says "Hey MOM thanks for buying me a private island!" And then when my mom sees it and says "I never bought you that", I can say "Not yet!" and smile! / Utahraptor: Moms like that, right? / Narrator: AT THE TATTOO PARLOUR: / T-Rex: What I want is a to-do list on my hand, only it says "Be awesome" and that's crossed out, and then "Get tattoo" and that's crossed out, and then "Sex up the person reading this". / Tattoo Artist: And you PROMISE you won't regret this? / T-Rex: Sir! I promise nothing!!
unreliable narrators are also when a man punches another man real hard and the narrator says it wasn't that hard, but man, we all saw how he was holding his arm T-Rex: An unreliable narrator is when Shakespeare tells you that his play Hamlet is pretty good, but then at the end Hamlet wakes up and he's on a friggin' bus. / Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS / Narrator: today's technique: "UNRELIABLE NARRATOR" / T-Rex: It's like - oh, it was all a dream and the whole time Hamlet was ACTUALLY snoozing on a bus next to an empty seat the whole time! What the heck, Hamlet? Laertes was the bus driver? This is SO MUCH WORSE than when you were stabbin' dudes and havin' broods. / Dromiceiomimus: Um, Hamlet doesn't actually end like that, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Pretty certain it does, Dromiceiomimus! / Utahraptor: Seriously, what are you talking about? / T-Rex: The stupid "it was all a dream" ending in Hamlet! / T-Rex: He wakes up and looks around and he catches teh eye of a passenger who looks like Shakespeare? And the Shakespeare guy smiles and winks, The End? / T-Rex: Don't tell me I'm the only one who made it to the end of Hamlet. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: / T-Rex: Shakespeare, Hamlet ACTUALLY ends on a bus, right? / Shakespeare: i'm so far from even knowing what a bus IS / T-Rex: It's a little thing called a "METAPHOR", Will. Man! Study literary techniques much??
a phrase listing i read showed english speakers how to say, in korean, "Will you be my girlfriend?", "I love you", and "Would you marry me?" in succession. if you're in that situation, having the phrases handy WOULD be a real timesaver. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS LEARNED ENGLISH ENTIRELY FROM KOREAN-ENGLISH PHRASEBOOKS: / T-Rex: I'd like to take the bus, please. / T-Rex: What are your first impressions of the area? / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm really sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I can't be with someone I can't communicate with. / T-Rex: Please hand me the customs declaration form. / Dromiceiomimus: See? I don't even know who you are! / T-Rex: I have only personal items. I have nothing to declare. / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. / Utahraptor: Yeah, I'm sorry too, man, but I'm out. / T-Rex: This is carry-on baggage. / Utahraptor: We've tried to make allowances for you, but it's just so impossible to be your friend. I don't even know what you're thinking right now! Everything you say is like this impossible linguistic Rorschach test. / T-Rex: May I cash this traveler's check? / Utahraptor: Does that mean you understand me? How am I to know? / T-Rex: I buy my clothes off the rack. / T-Rex: I buy my clothes off the rack!!
based on the time i walked by a hideout and overheard "we're fearsome, self-narrating criminals! now, let's discuss our one and only weakness. i am of course referring here to plastic skulls." T-Rex: Not enough things glow in the dark. / T-Rex: That's right! I said it!! / T-Rex: Not enough things glow in the dark, AND, the things that glow in the dark don't glow in the dark for long enough. Even if I had a glow-in-the-dark skull it would only glow for like, two minutes. That is only two kinds of spooky: spookily sucky and spookily DISAPPOINTING. / T-Rex: All I ever wanted is a plastic skull that lights up in the dark, so that in the dark, everyone can see my spooky plastic skull! / Utahraptor: This sounds like a battery problem, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Alright, fine, so it's a battery problem! / Utahraptor: But the issue is that batteries are hard to design: you want to store large amounts of energy for cheap, but you also don't want them to, you know, explode. It's tricky! / T-Rex: I don't need a laptop battery! All I want is a spooky skull, so that when criminals break into my house, they see a grim visage of things to come. / Narrator: LAST NIGHT: / T-Rex (thinking): Oh no! are those criminals breaking into my house?! / Criminals: We're criminals, but we're afraid of skulls. Lucky thing it's dark, because even if there were some here, we wouldn't see them! / T-Rex (thinking): Nooooooooo
act like a t-rex day T-Rex: Today is Act Like A T-Rex Day! Everybody! / T-Rex: Act like me! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, act like me today, okay? It'll be great. Examine what I'm doing and then try internalizing it, okay? / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I do not celebrate this holiday! I'm actually celebrating Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day, which happens to fall on the same day. / T-Rex: WHAT / T-Rex: Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day? I have not heard of this holiday! / Utahraptor: It's the best! / Utahraptor: I celebrate it too. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone celebrates it! There's a big "Act Like A Dromiceiomimus" party at city hall tonight. / T-Rex: But - but... / Utahraptor: They've closed off Main Street so that people can act like Dromiceiomimuses there! It's gonna be awesome! / Narrator: THAT EVENING: / Townsperson 1: I'm a Dromiceiomimus! / Townsperson 2: Me too! / Townsperson 3: Hey man! Me three!! / T-Rex: (whispering) i'm a dromiceiomimus pretending to be a t-rex / Townsperson 3: Pardon me? / T-Rex: I SAID / T-Rex: i'm a dromiceiomimus PRETENDING to be a t-rex / {{Title Text: i celebrate Act Like A Logdriver Day, in which i go birling down and down white water. i do believe that's where the logdriver learns to step lightly}}
william shakespeare: "now cracks a noble heart. good-night, sweet prince; and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." ryan north: "shakespeare was a famous writer guy" T-Rex: Shakespeare was a famous writer guy, but we know basically nothing about him! There's only a handful of times when we know what he was doing on a given day. / T-Rex: And at other times, there's no record of him for years and years! / T-Rex: The fact that we have any record of him as a person at all is only due to the fact that he appeared in court a few times as a witness, and that he got married. Legal records are all we've got! His interests and tastes, politics and loves — they all have to be (unreliably) extrapolated from his writing. / Dromiceiomimus: Well, he IS from the past, and 80% of the plays from his time survive as titles alone! We're lucky to have the data we do. / T-Rex: That's true! I just wish we knew more about the man, you know? / Utahraptor: You're not alone in that! / T-Rex: So let's agree! If one of us ever get a chance to go back in time, and we run into him, then we'll definitely ask Shakespeare what he was up to. What he likes, what his interests are — all the stuff historians wish they had! / Utahraptor: Hah! Okay, it's a deal! / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! / T-Rex: SHAKESPEARE! OH SHAKESPEARE! DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY CAR KEYS ARE, SHAKESPEARE / Shakespeare: alack me! i'm trying to write some sonnets here, t-rex! / T-Rex: HEY SHAKESPEARE! / T-Rex: I DON'T THINK PEOPLE ACTUALLY USED "ALACK" LIKE THAT
have there been any serious religious studies into how god is the ultimate obsessive fanboy nerd about us? no? man, *this* is why people have trouble showing up on sunday morning, major religions T-Rex: ! / T-Rex: Guys! I just had a revelation about God! For serious! / T-Rex: God is all-knowing and all-seeing, right? So it follows - THROUGH LOGIC - that... that... / Dromiceiomimus: Yes? / T-Rex: That God has to be the biggest fanboy ever! Who knows more about every Star Trek episode than God? Who knows more about each and every comic, anime and manga series EVER CONCEIVED than God? He's like this ultimate obsessive fanboy nerd! / Utahraptor: He even knows everything about VIDEO GAMES, T-Rex. / T-Rex: *gasp* You're right! / T-Rex: He has encyclopaedic knowledge about every RPG, MMORPG, FPS, RTS, TBS and IF game every made! / Utahraptor: Hey. That was a lot of acronyms there. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: God, are you the biggest nerd? / God: T-REX ARE YOU THE SASSIEST DINOSAUR / T-Rex: Second-place in last month's Sassy-Assy Competition! / God: SEE / God: I KNEW THAT
can you believe that i draw these thought bubbles by hand? i'm serious! i just whip 'em off! T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to reminisce about the past! / T-Rex: Okay! Here I go! / Narrator: SEVERAL MINUTES LATER: / T-Rex: DANA was totally flirting with me! / T-Rex: Hah! I can't believe I didn't see it at the time. I can't believe I didn't see it until now! / Dromiceiomimus: Who's Dana? What'd she do? / T-Rex: I went to University with her. She said at the time that she found me handsome, and I said that it was "probably just her own ideas of attractiveness interacting with my own personality and unchangeable genetics." / T-Rex: What the heck, past me? / T-Rex: I guess I was young and believed no woman could ever find me attractive of her own volition! / Utahraptor: Still - pretty bad! / T-Rex: But what a nice realization to finally have though, right? Perhaps where were DOZENS of women flirting with me in the past, yet unnoticed! / Utahraptor: Instead of looking for dates, you could scour your memories for missed romantic opportunities! / T-Rex: What you suggest in jest, I will do with conviction! / T-Rex (thinking): Okay... Katherine - no. Muriel - nope. Ermeswindis - yes! Yes! Wait... no. No. Man, thanks for nothing, ERMESWINDIS. / T-Rex (thinking): I still think your name's rad though
okay so if you think that's how "chlamydia" is spelt then, um, here is a comic about a dinosaur who likes a celebrity and has an STD, i guess T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for talking about my love... / T-Rex: love of George Clooney, that is!! / Dromiceiomimus: I didn't know you liked George Clooney! / T-Rex: I love him! I think he's great. He was good in the medical comedy"E/R", the medical drama "ER", and was not the worst Batman from the original movie arc! / Dromiceiomimus: Would you say that you're a... Cloonatic? / T-Rex: Hah! I would say that I might have a touch of Cloonacy!! / T-Rex: Did you know that he was named a "messenger of peace" by the United Nations, Utahraptor? / Utahraptor: I did not! / T-Rex: Yep! AND, he was given the title of "Sexiest man alive" by People Magazine TWICE. / Utahraptor: Too bad you're heterosexual, huh? / T-Rex: I know, right? Sometimes I worry I like George Clooney TOO much, but then I realize: there's no such thing as too much love for George Clooney!! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: I have Chloomydia
the nice thing about the "come on! it's the exact same joke" line is that either t-rex or utahraptor could say it. i almost had them both saying it at the same time, but it read oddly, because they were saying it in different ways. T-Rex: "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains - a pretty violent image there! I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it..." / T-Rex: "... maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem!" / Dromiceiomimus: Come on, T-Rex. That's plagiarized. That's a Jerry Seinfeld joke. / T-Rex: I know, I know! But he's a funny guy, right? And I was thinking: maybe if I told his jokes, I could get inside his head and understand how he comes up with them. Act like Seinfeld in order to become Seinfeld, you know? / Dromiceiomimus: I guess? / Utahraptor: This still sounds like an elaborate excuse for plagiarisms! / T-Rex: It's really not meant to be! / T-Rex: INCIDENTALLY, Utahraptor, somebody just gave me a shower radio! Do I really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. / Utahraptor: Yeah. It was funny when Seinfeld said it a decade ago! / T-Rex: Come on! It's the exact same joke!! / Narrator: PUBLIC SPEAKING: / T-Rex:Thank you all for listening today. I'm told to always go out on a joke, so here's a classic Seinfeld gag for you: "Newman!" / T-Rex: Wait, no. "Newman." / T-Rex: "NEWMAN." / T-Rex: Yes. There it is!

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