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as he matured, "the new tattoo shoots the old one" became "the old tattoo flies out of the new one's mouth". OLD AGE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! T-Rex: I've always been reluctant to get a tattoo, because what if my tastes change? I don't want to be the guy at 50 with "BETTY AND VERONICA 4 LYFE" tattooed on my back. I mean, right now I kinda do, but I can see that changing in like two seconds. / T-Rex: But I've come up with a solution! / T-Rex: The whole problem comes from the fact that tattoos can't be altered, but that's not true! For example, imagine I get a tattoo of a butterfly, and THEN, I realize I wish I'd gotten a tattoo of a flexing guy with guns for eyes instead. All is not lost! I just get a tattoo of a flexing guy using his gun eyes to SHOOT the butterfly, and I'm the coolest! I instantly become the coolest dude. / Utahraptor: So each new tattoo shoots the old one, but what happens when you run out of space? / T-Rex: Well! / T-Rex: I acknowledge I have finite room on my body for "the tats", but I don't think I'm THAT indecisive. Anyway, once I have the Enterprise shooting Batman shooting gun eyes shooting a butterfly, I think I'll be happy. I just - I can't ever see regretting that. / Utahraptor: Really? / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: / [[Close up of a T-Rex tattoo and an Enterprise tattoo flying out of its mouth, all on an alarmingly green background.]] / Some Person Out of View: Wow / Some Person Out of View: Your skin is really green
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1295
deleted dialogue: "just hook Dr. Sbaitso up to a random number generator, I don't know" T-Rex: Guys, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but, well, here we are. I should just say it. / T-Rex: Bingo is totally suboptimal and inefficient! / T-Rex: Check it out: replace the caller with a computer, and you make the bingo numbers get called like a billion times faster. Replace the bingo players with other computers, and you speed up the rate at which the game is played. Tie both these innovations together and you can play HUNDREDS of bingo games per second! ONCE AGAIN, something has been made orders of magnitude more efficient by simply replacing all life involved with cold and soulless bingo-playing machines. / Utahraptor: But the fun thing of bingo is in dabbing the numbers, in building up suspense as the game progresses. You've made it boring! / T-Rex: Nope! / T-Rex: My new, hyper-efficient bingo is basically like putting in your money, pressing a button, and being informed whether or not you've won. / Utahraptor: Exactly! / T-Rex: But that's what slot machines do, and people LINE UP to play them! OH SNAP! IS THIS ANOTHER ARGUMENT WON BY T-REX?? / Narrator: THREE DAYS LATER: / T-Rex: HEY UTAHRAPTOR! DO YOU REMEMBER THREE DAYS AGO, WHEN I TOTALLY BEAT YOU IN AN ARGUMENT? / T-Rex: TO BE HONEST / T-Rex: I'M KINDA LINGERING ON IT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1296
many chicks and dudes emailed me to let me know that the bingo machines t-rex envisioned yesterday already existed. thanks guys! the best email was reuven's because it contained the catchy slogan "dinosaur comics: predicting the present, today!" T-Rex: It turns out there are some regions where my HyperBingo(tm) is played. Neat! / T-Rex: And it's all thanks to legal loopholes! / T-Rex: AS IT HAPPENS, in some areas gambling is heavily regulated, but bingo is a special case that isn't. And so companies have built electronic bingo machines, exactly as I envisioned! Whats more, some have used bingo as an engine to power other types of gambling, like poker and slot machines. The game plays a hidden bingo game, and if you get a bingo, your slots will ALWAYS come up as three cherries. It's nuts! Bingo's being used in ways GOD NEVER INTENDED. / Utahraptor: But how do they translate bingo into poker? You have choice over what cards stay in your hand! / T-Rex: They CHEAT! / T-Rex: Say you got a quick bingo, and that translates into a royal flush. You're doomed to win! If you throw away all your cards, you're just gonna get dealt the same flush in a new suit. Even if you try to lose, the computer will step in and CHANGE YOUR CARDS, or just make you win the next game. / Utahraptor: Insane! / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE! / Cyborg: CITIZENS! YOU HAVE ABUSED THE POWER OF BINGO, AND WE BINGO-POWERED CYBORGS ARE THE PRODUCT OF YOUR BINGO-POWERED HUBRIS. GUESS IF WE ARE GOING TO DESTROY ALL ORGANIC LIFE! / T-Rex: Y- yes? / Cyborg: ONE WORD: / Cyborg: BINGO.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1297
maybe unicorns practiced zero-footprint hovercraft construction, and ALSO built their hovercrafts out of paper. you don't even know. T-Rex: If you want to know what life on Earth was like yesterday, there's like a billion people you turn to! MORE, probably! Probably more. / T-Rex: But if you want to know about life 6 million years ago, there's only a handful of fossils! / T-Rex: And it would be TOTALLY RAD if this record was all really exceptional people. Like if I lived millions of years ago, only I was a mutant with a fully-formed extra hand growing out of the base of my spine! If I was the only specimen from the time, we might conclude that EVERYONE had butt hands then, and that would be provably hilarious. Then I thought: maybe we're already doing this! / Utahraptor: How do you figure? / T-Rex: Well, maybe we're doing the opposite! / T-Rex: Maybe millions of years ago life was awesome and surreal, but only the boring specimens got preserved. Maybe the non-chumps knew to avoid river beds and tar pits! Maybe dragons don't fossilize. / Utahraptor: That's incredibly unlikely! / T-Rex: You know what else it is? Incredibly AWESOME. / Narrator: YEARS LATER: / T-Rex: It is impossible to know if my dream came true
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1298
oh, did i say "memorable"? I meant "difficult". T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for riddles! And hey, look at me! / T-Rex: I have the perfect riddle memorized right here, in my awesome brain! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Which creature goes on four feet in the morning, two feet at noon, and three feet in the evening? / Dromiceiomimus: Its a human, T-Rex. Babies crawl on all fours, then they walk around and then when they're old they use a cane. Come on, that riddle's from Ancient Greece. That riddle is so old-school, the techniques necessary for modern school construction won't be invented for two thousand years. / T-Rex:Huh! People know the riddle of the Sphinx? / Utahraptor: You're surprised? / Utahraptor: T-Rex, it's most likely the oldest riddle on the planet. Without hyperbole, entire civilizations have risen and fallen since someone first came up with that riddle. IT predates PAPER. / T-Rex: Well... Patrick Stewart liked it. / Narrator: EARLIER: / Patrick Stewart: T-Rex, your riddle spoke to me personally because I started today on four feet, managed to walk on two feet at noon, and now I'm using three feet! / T-Rex: Wow, Patrick Stewart! / Patrick Stewart: It has been a memorable day
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1299
 
someone's been getting their idea of spaniards from zorro stories. not even! from stereotypes about zorro stories. anyway it's t-rex not me T-Rex: I have filled out change of name forms for Utahraptor! I have done this because I am a good friend who likes to make surprises. / T-Rex: From now on, Utahraptor will be known only as "Utahraptore"! / T-Rex: The added "e" gives him an exotic Spanish flair. Utahraptore, the fiery outlaw fighting for the repressed, the mysterious man of dark passions! The man whose smile disarms the men as easily as his rapier disarms the women. Who is this masked man? Who is this... this Utahraptore? / Utahraptor: I'm not signing those forms! / T-Rex: Come on! It Will Be Awesome. / T-Rex: You'll get a new name and a new reputation AND a new driver's license, and I'll get to say "Oh, him? He's my mysterious friend, Utahraptore." All you need to do is sign! / Utahraptor: I'm not signing them. / T-Rex: Well, frig, this has been a complete waste of a Monday morning! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Frig, it's actually Tuesday!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1300
running jokes about what day of the week it is, here at qwantz.com Narrator: LATER THAT SAME DAY: / T-Rex: No way! There's no way. "T-Rex" is a great name and IF I were to change it, it would be to "T-Tex", and ONLY if I had a guarantee of oversized cowboy hats. / Utahraptor: Come on! / Utahraptor: I think you'd make a great "Shortpants". / T-Rex: Utahraptor, the very mention of the name has filled me with UNSTOPPABLE RAGE! I get that you're trying to revenge yourself on me for filling out your Utahraptore name change forms, but the difference was THAT name is awesome. Shortpants is what you call a dog that - that acts like a squirrel or something. And I'VE - Utahraptor? / T-Rex: Where'd he go? / Utahraptor: I'm right here! / T-Rex: Whatever!! / Utahraptor: Please just sign the name change forms, PLEASE? I'd love to call you Shortpants. "How was your day, Shortpants?" "Stop eating all the ice cream, Shortpants!" / T-Rex: No. T-Tex or nothing. / Utahraptor: Well frig, Shortpants, I guess I'VE wasted a Monday afternoon! / T-Rex: ARGH! / T-Rex: It's TUESDAY
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1301
a button has popped off one of my favourite shirts! in addition, all of the buttons have also popped off all of my shirts. and pants. and i think i learned to dress wrong. T-Rex: A button has popped off of one of my favourite shirts! / T-Rex: Will NO-ONE sew it back on for me? / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, YOU'RE a good friend! / T-Rex: Would you sew a button back onto one of my shirts? / Dromiceiomimus: I could, but this is something you should really learn to do for yourself, T-Rex! / T-Rex: But that's the thing: everyone else has ALREADY learned how to do it, so I'd be needlessly duplicating their efforts if I learned it myself! / Utahraptor: You're justifying laziness through minimizing inefficiencies? / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: At the societal level! / T-Rex: If only 25% of the population learnt button sewing AND everyone had four friends, then we'd expect one friend to do the button sewing when needed, and the remaining three could use that free time to learn something else! / T-Rex: SOCIETY ADVANCES. / Utahraptor: I'm not sewing your button on either, T-Rex. / Narrator: YEARS LATER: / Unknown: Excuse me, sir: this is a black tie dinner, and you've shown up completely naked. / T-Rex: I blame society!! / Unknown: Sir / Unknown: That is not yet on my list of acceptable excuses
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1302
"taxes. what are taxes? we just don't know." T-Rex: A Story about a Man, by T-Rex! / T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a radical guy! / T-Rex: He filed his taxes on time, but ONE DAY, the government mailed him and was like, "Dude you need to file taxes for the past five years" and the dude was like "DUDES I ALREADY TOTALLY DID" and the government guy was like "Hah hah, our mistake!" but then their computers kept mailing him threatening "pay your taxes" letters and he felt like the problem would never be fixed and it caused him a lot of stress THE END. / Utahraptor: Autobiographical? / T-Rex: Absolutely not! / T-Rex: FICTION. As a man who is attuned with the world around him, I make up stories that SEEM real, but are actually just lies that I imagined! It's called "writing"; look it up? / Utahraptor: You're sure it's not autobiographical? No problems with the tax man? / T-Rex: No sir! / God: ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN YOU HAVE NO TROUBLES WITH THE TAX MAN / T-Rex: Yep! You know what? I'm not even fully sure what taxes ARE. / God: OKAY YOU ARE A GROWN ADULT SO / God: THAT'S A CONCERN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1303
we all have different tastes, but what if we all share the same as-yet-undiscovered supertaste? what then? WORLD PEACE BROKERED THROUGH A SHARED APPRECIATION OF A SINGLE SONG?? A SINGLE INDIVIDUAL WHO HATES THE SONG FEELING PRETTY FRIGGIN' EXCLUDED?? T-Rex: People like different songs because they have different tastes in music. This I concede. / T-Rex: However! / T-Rex: I still think there could be One Perfect Song! / T-Rex: I think someone, some day - let's say, ME - might sit down and write a song that is legitimately great. A song that transcends personal taste and never gets old and is everyone's favorite, without exception. The best of all possible songs. What would the music world be like if there were no longer any chance of anyone else having a number one song - THE number one song? What if everyone was left fighting for second place? / Utahraptor: I actually think it would be fascinating! / T-Rex: Really? / Utahraptor: Yeah! It would be amazing seeing how some artists react, knowing the best epitaph they could hope for was "runner up". I think you'd see a lot of esoteric music, exploring areas that aren't in the number one song! / T-Rex: Well! I guess I'd better get to work, huh? / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SOMEONE HAS ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED THIS: / Offscreen: Yo, I'm not number one but I'm still good/ My parents know that I've done/ basically the best I could! / T-Rex: Man! I miss OLD gangsta rap!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1304
 
attention, readers! in retrospect, i'm not even sure if bears do it. T-Rex: If you drop something heavy on your foot, your first instinct is likely to scream in pain. / T-Rex: Dudes and ladies! This is not such a useful reaction! / T-Rex: Screaming doesn't fix the problem, it just draws attention to your bruisey foot. And when your scream is followed by cursing, THAT just says "My foot hurts now, and I believe this is equivalent to poo." / T-Rex: We can do better! / Utahraptor: What else would you suggest? / T-Rex: Anything, man! / T-Rex: Throw a punch! Yell "Totally intentional, folks!!" Tuck into a spin to deflect any other falling items! ANYTHING's better than the standard "ARGH FRIG OW FRIG." / Utahraptor: I think I'd rather NOT be around a guy who punches upon injury. / T-Rex: Whatever, man! Bears do it, and everybody likes bears! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX FEELS REGRET FOR HOW THE CONVERSATION WENT. HE WORRIES THAT UTAHRAPTOR WANTED TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION. BUT HE WAS MAKING JOKES ABOUT BEARS. / T-Rex: Sometimes i worry that if I were someone else, I wouldn't want to be friends with me.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1305
man, they're out of cheerios at the grocery store? FRIGGIN' MONOTHEISM God: T-REX IF YOU COULD HAVE A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF ANY ONE THING WHAT WOULD IT BE / T-Rex: Friendship! / God: IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING PHYSICAL / T-Rex: Physical Friendship! / God: NO I MEAN IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING YOU CAN BUY AND PUT IN YOUR ROOM / T-Rex: W-water? / God: WATER / God: LISTEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY "GOLD" / T-Rex: Why? / Utahraptor: Why what? / God: BECAUSE THEN YOU GET A BUNCH OF GOLD BUT IT HAS NEGATIVE EFFECTS AND DISTANCES YOU FROM YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU REALIZE THAT FRIENDSHIP IS THE REAL TREASURE / T-Rex: Sorry, Utahraptor, God's hasslin' me. GOD, I said "friendship" at the start of this stupid conversation!! / Utahraptor: I - okay? / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Dear audio diary: today I looked crazy and didn't get a lifetime supply of gold or water. I blame monotheism / GOD: I HEARD THAT / T-Rex: HEY! TOO BAD YOU'VE GOT NO OTHER GODS TO COMPLAIN TO, HUH?? / God: ARGUABLY / God: YES
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1306
astute readers will notice that t-rex himself has gone back in time on several occasions. why doesn't HE use time travel to solve all his problems? the explanation is: there are reasons? and they are - undisclosed reasons? T-Rex: Hey God, you know on Star Trek, when sometimes they go back in time? / God: YEP / T-Rex: It interferes with my ability to enjoy the show! / God: OKAY / T-Rex: Seriously though. It ruins my suspension of disbelief! / T-Rex: The issue is they're traveling back in time in an understood, repeatable way: slingshot around the sun! It's just - why wouldn't they do that all the time? When anything bad happens, whenever there's tension and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance, I always think, "Well, worst case, they could just go back in time and fix this. I wonder - I wonder why they don't do that." / Utahraptor: You can't put the genie back in the bottle! / T-Rex: Utahraptor! Exactly!! / T-Rex: Well, I mean, not EXACTLY. Metaphorically. It was a good metaphor. By "exactly", I meant to communicate "Utahraptor, that is an exact metaphor." / Utahraptor: Gotcha. / T-Rex: Okay. Good. Alright, I'm going to go back to talking about Star Trek now. / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Attention, everyone!! That was pretty much all I had to say, actually
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1307
Hiccuping forever is this weird sort of... forced immortality! T-Rex: You know those guys who have been hiccuping for 70 years or whatever? I'm glad I'm not one of those guys. / T-Rex: Hiccuping forever is this weird sort of... forced immortality! / Dromiceiomimus: But I thought you were all about going down in history, T-Rex? / T-Rex: It's true! But on my own terms. I can't control hiccups, so it's really being remembered for something that my body's doing that's really incidental to who I am, you know? Anyone who heard of me would know me as The Hiccup Guy, and it would overshadow anything else I did with my life. / Utahraptor: I think if you cured cancer or something, we'd still know your name! / T-Rex: True! / T-Rex: But the headlines would still be "Hiccuping Doctor Cures Cancer". It's too memorable to overlook! I like choosing my OWN destiny. / Utahraptor: Okay, so go to that. Choose your own adventure. / T-Rex: Utahraptor, that reference has instantly inspired me to be the best I can possibly be!! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX DISCOVERS THAT 80S REFERENCES WORKED INTO CONVERSATION INSPIRE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING! / Out of Panel: We're focusing too much on the mistakes of the past. Let's get back to the future, shall we? / T-Rex: YES!! YES, LET'S DO THAT! HOLY CRAP!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1308
i went to my cousin's wedding this weekend and it was lovely. there were no hookups AND my cousins and i snuck up onto the roof! thank you for inviting me to your wedding, ginny Narrator: T-REX HAS BEEN INVITED TO ANOTHER WEDDING. / T-Rex: Yes! I know what that means... / T-Rex: Ill-advised hookups!! / T-Rex: It's the wedding experience! You get some single people together who think life is a race, and then you convince them THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF WEDDING that the only way to avoid coming in dead last is to get married! The result: hookups! / T-Rex: Hookups of the ill-advised nature!! / Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex, that's just a stupid stereotype and lame soap opera trope! / T-Rex: Lame and SEXY / Utahraptor: I just think that if you go into this wedding evaluating all the guests by their hookup potential, it'll colour your wedding experience in a really weird way. / T-Rex: Utahraptor, guess what? / Utahraptor: What? / T-Rex: I'm still totally gonna be on the lookout for bad hookups!! / Narrator: AT THE WEDDING. / Voice: So what are you thinking, baby? Yes or no? / T-Rex: Um, I'm thinking... That a lot of my internal conflict and malaise comes from the tensions between the life I ACTUALLY want to live, and the stories I'd love to be able to tell?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1309
 
the last panel is directed to the crowd across the street that gathered in anticipation of just such an awkward moment T-Rex: I am a man who, when he is at an all-you-can-eat restaurant, will restrict what he eats based on his peers. I don't know when to stop, so I rely on the verbal and non-verbal cues of my dining mates to tell me when I'm full! / T-Rex: I call this condition "Appetite Asperger's"! / T-Rex: It is a hilarious AND excellent name because people with Appetite Asperger's analyze the behaviour of others while eating and come up with a ruleset for saying when they're full. Just like someone with real Asperger's! Only, instead of applying this to social interaction, I apply it exclusively to knowing when to say "Wow, dudes, I'm full! How about you guys, huh? Pretty full? Oh my gosh, me too!" / Utahraptor: I would've thought you'd call it "T-Rex's condition" or something! / T-Rex: NORMALLY, I would have! / T-Rex: But I made a list and I've already got like four or five T-Rex's conditions. Plus, Appetite Asperger's has assonance going for it! / Utahraptor: I suppose. I'm still not comfortable with the name! / T-Rex: And I'm STILL not comfortable with the full range of my sexuality, but we all have to make do!! / T-Rex: That's right, everyone! / T-Rex: TODAY IS THE DAY I SHARE MORE ABOUT MYSELF THAN MAYBE I WANTED TO
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1310
this comic began as the "if you could have a lifetime supply of something" comic with god from last week, but then when i was rewriting that one this comic popped out instead! so i held onto it and finally came up with the last panels today TRUE STORY God: T-REX PICK A WORK ANY WORK BUT MAKE SURE IT'S A NOUN OKAY / T-Rex: Done! / God: OKAY WHAT WORK IS IT / T-Rex: I'll never say!! / T-Rex: I've read Greek myths, man! I know you guys are all about SNEAKY TRICKS and IRONY and MORALITY TALES in which dudes get wicked punishment for BASICALLY no reason. I don't want to be in any noun-based morality tales! Not unless the moral is "T-Rex Is The Best, Holy Cow You Guys." / God: HEY GUESS WHO'S NOT A GREEK GOD / God: I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT / God: YOU'RE TALKING TO HIM AND HE'S AWESOME / God: ALSO HE'S ME / Utahraptor: What's going on? / T-Rex: God wants a noun! / Utahraptor: And you're not giving it to him? / T-Rex: I was accusing him of the whole "ironic punishment" Greek God thing. But he's not so bad! I give him a hard time sometimes. / T-Rex: Hey God! You want my word? Here it is! / T-Rex: "Meritocracy". / God: FINALLY HERE'S YOUR MADLIB / God: SALLY COULDN'T BELIEVE THE SIZE OF HER MERITOCRACY / God: I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1311
what movies did t-rex see that were so terrible? why, the same two movies that YOU hate the most! oh my god! t-rex is So Relatable! T-Rex: Wow, that was a terrible movie. Definitely one of the top 50 worst films ever! / God: T-REX THERE IS BARELY 100 YEARS OF FILM SO THAT'S NOT SAYING MUCH / God: A FILM 1000 YEARS FROM NOW BEING ON THAT LIST NOW THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING / T-Rex: Ridiculous! / T-Rex: There's still bad movies. Anyway, most "Worst Book Ever" lists have mainly modern entries despite THOUSANDS of years of book history. / Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, because most ancient texts are lost forever! I'd bet less than 10% of movies are lost and I'm sure more than that amount of text is gone. / T-Rex: How are you measuring volume? Sure ANCIENT books are lost, but we generate so much text today that it's probably a tiny percentage overall! / T-Rex: you have to include web sites, emails, spam... / Utahraptor: You're seriously comparing email to film? / T-Rex: Well! / Utahraptor: Come on! If you're including spam as text, are you including webcams as film? What about security camera footage, stored and erased without ever being watched? And how are we defining worst? Personal taste? Objective value? Box office performance, ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION OF BOTH MONEY, POPULATION, AND BOX OFFICES? / Narrator: ONE WEEK LATER: / T-Rex: What a terrible movie THAT was. I'd definitely rate it one of the Top 50 Worst Films Of All Time!* / Someone off-panel: Did you just make an asterisk sound? Why the asterisk sound? / T-Rex: OH GOD
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1312
the pebble was actually found in an australopithecine cave, so it may have been discarded before the dude died, left behind, untouched and alone and forgotten for millions of years. QUESTION: IS THIS VERSION OF EVENTS MORE OR LESS MAUDLIN T-Rex: So, SOMETIMES, archeologists find things that don't belong in their geological contexts: shells where there were no oceans, that sort of thing. And there's lots of explanations like "maybe an animal ate it and pooped it out, GROSS." / T-Rex: But sometimes these objects are found with human remains! / T-Rex: And when that happens they call it a manuport: something that was carried by hand by ancient dead dudes. Manuports are neat because they show you what ancient dead dudes found interesting! And the most awesome manuport is the oldest one, called the Makapansgat pebble. It dates to 3 million years ago! / Utahraptor: There weren't humans around to carry it 3 million years ago, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Nope! / T-Rex: But there were PROTOHUMANS. Australopithecines! And the Makapansgat pebble has this natural "eye eye mouth" face shape on it. A protohuman had enough curiosity and aesthetic sense, 3 MILLION YEARS AGO, to see the face in the rock, and thought it was special enough to carry around with him until he died. / T-Rex: I think it's beautiful and amazing that millions of years later, another human being dug up the same pebble, recognized the same face, and maybe even for a moment, dreamed the same dreams. / Utahraptor: You stepped on a human being back there. / T-Rex: That's - um, that's beautiful too?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1313
ah, the dream of being a jerk while having a doctor's note saying it's allowed Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: IF YOU COULD LOSE ANY SENSE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? / T-Rex: Me sense of proprioception! / T-Rex: That's the sense that lets you know where your body parts are at any given time! / T-Rex: And it's ALSO a sense that gets dulled when you drink, which is why you have trouble touching your nose with your eyes closed in such situations. You're forced to rely on proprioception, and with it dulled, you miss! You poke out your eye with your hand or whatever. / T-Rex: Proprioception! / Utahraptor: And you really want to be CONSISTENTLY SURPRISED about where your limbs are when you can't see them? / T-Rex: Maybe! / Utahraptor: You know what? I don't think you would! I think you ACTUALLY chose proprioception because it's not one of the classical five senses, and you wanted to be Mr. "Look At Me Guys I Chose An Unexpected Answer". / T-Rex: Oh, it's true! But I messed up. I'd really prefer losing nociception: the sense of pain! / Narrator: BUT THAT IS A LIE TOO! / Voice: T-Rex, I'm afraid this accident has robbed you of one of your senses: the sense of what's appropriate in a given social situation! / T-Rex: yessssss
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1314
 
when someone stubs their toe in metropolis, there's got to be some level that blames superman Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: IF YOU COULD GAIN ANY SENSE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? / T-Rex: A sense of FUTURE sight! Dudes! / T-Rex: I could look around and say "In ten minutes it's going to rain!" / T-Rex: But then the downside is that if I saw a car accident, I'd be duty bound to try to prevent it. And PLUS, once word got out about my awesome power, whenever I was with my friends and they tripped or whatever, they'd blame me! They'd sit on the ground rubbing their knee saying "THANKS T-REX" with ultimate sarcasm when THEY were the clumsy chumps! / Utahraptor: Well, why wouldn't you warn us? / T-Rex: Maybe my mouth was full! / T-Rex: Maybe I was warning someone else to my left! MAYBE RISK IS PART OF FREEDOM AND BY PROTECTING MY FRIENDS FROM ALL POSSIBLE DANGER I STUNT THEIR GROWTH AND BECOME THE SINGLE GREATEST THREAT TO THEIR OWN SELF-REALIZATION?? / T-Rex: Also, maybe the guy tripping was HITLER. / T-Rex: That's right, Utahraptor! I'll say I'm friends with Hitler to win an argument!! / T-Rex: It is the "Reverse Godwin" and the most powerful debate technique ever?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1315
I know it can be seen as an insult but it's just such a cute word that I can't see anyone being insulted. Oh, Fubs! T-Rex: Hey, is it FUBSY in here? It feels like it's fubsy in here. Are you wondering what "fubsy" means, God? / God: NOPE / T-Rex: "Short and stout; squat!" / T-Rex: I was using it incorrectly! / T-Rex: It's just -- it's such a good word, I wish I had more chances to use it. Would you say you're FUBSY, Dromiceomimus? / Dromiceomimus: I sometimes feel fubsier than most, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Are we TRULY the fubsiest?? / Utahraptor: Do you know what someone who is fubsy is called? / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: Fubs! / T-Rex: FUBS! Oh my goodness. I have to get a dog so I can name him Fubs. / Utahraptor: You already have a dog, the angriest dog in the world, if I remember correctly. / T-Rex: From now on he's Fubs! His SUBTITLE is The Angriest Dog in the World. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Aw man, who peed on my couch? I bet it was Fubs!! / [[thinking]] / T-Rex: Hah hah hah! "Fubs". / T-Rex: It's still good!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1316
british readers: wikipedia tells me that you call the telephone game "chinese whispers". that's racist, british readers. that's racist, wikipedia. T-Rex: Time for a funny joke, everyone! Alright? Alright. / T-Rex: Okay, so this man gets into a car accident and wraps his car around a telephone pole! / T-Rex: And there's this passer-by who is, um, passing by, and he happens to see it. He rushes over to the crumpled car and says "Oh my God, are you okay??" and the guy says "Well, I get by!" / Dromiceiomimus: ... I don't get it. / T-Rex: The driver misunderstands the question; he thinks it's about whether or not he makes enough money to "get by" in today's difficult world! / Utahraptor: But nobody says "Oh my God, are you okay??" to mean "Oh my God, do you have a sufficient salary??" / T-Rex: Sure they do! / Utahraptor: No they don't! They lock eyes with you and say "Are you doing alright?" with a hand on your shoulder or something. Honestly, this joke seems like it could have been funny at some point, but you telephone gamed it in your head and it doesn't make sense anymore. / Narrator: EARLIER: / Passerby: So he rushes over and puts a hand on the guy's shoulder and says "Oh my God, are you okay? Are you doing alright?" and the guy says "I make a comfortable living!" / T-Rex: Hah! I think I get it! Listen, I'm gonna BASICALLY commit parts of this joke to memory.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1317
also! dromiceiomimus! it's awful bright at 3 am where you live. T-Rex: It is common to imagine your life as a story, with yourself as a main character! It's a story with no real climax that always ends with you totally dead. / T-Rex: However! / T-Rex: My issue is that STUFF happens to main characters: dramatic stuff! Stuff that's not always good. It would be fun to be a bit character, a guy who gets one or two lines and whose personality is encapsulated in a few words: 'likes boats', 'old and wise', or 'eats a lot and, therefore, can't control himself around food. When someone says, "Where's the beef?" he runs up and says, "Did someone say BEEF?" because that is definitely how people who like food act.' / T-Rex: Then I was thinking, maybe I am that! / Utahraptor: But you've said WAY more than two lines,my friend! / T-Rex: Yeah, but it's Rosencratz and Guildenstern, right? I've got my own life, but it only counts when I'm around the main character. Everything else is forgotten! / Utahraptor: so who's the main character? / T-Rex: ...Dromiceiomimus? / Narrator: MUCH LATER, OUTSIDE DROMICEIOMIMUS'S HOUSE. / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Are you in? / Dromiceiomimus (off screen): T-Rex?! What are you doing here? It's late! It's 3 AM! / T-Rex: I - like boats?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1318
based on this time in grade six where i thought i was really something T-Rex: Everyone! / T-Rex: Guess what? / T-Rex: I'm pretty great! / T-Rex: I'm serious! I was thinking about it: I'm a great friend, I'm smart and I'm fun AND funny and I've been a success at every job, hobby, and challenge I've tried! / Dromiceiomimus: And so modest, too! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let's put modesty aside for a second and just "rap", person to person. I think when we do that, we can agree: there's nothing I've done that I haven't excelled at. / Utahraptor: You're so egotistical! "I'm great at everything I've tried!" / T-Rex: We're putting ego ASIDE today, Utahraptor. / Utahraptor: You know what? It's still egotistical, and if you've succeeded at everything you've tried, you're not trying hard enough things. Here, here's something to try: why don't you cure cancer? And hey, why not come up with a clean, safe, cheap, efficient, powerful, renewable AND reliable energy source while you're at it? / T-Rex: I'll do better, Utahraptor! I'm going to come up with a clean, safe, cheap, efficient, and powerful, renewable energy source THAT CURES CANCER. / T-Rex: LATER / T-Rex: AFTER I GO HOME AND SUCCEED AT THINKING OF A BETTER COMEBACK
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1319
 
the dinosaur comics timeline takes another hit in this comic T-Rex: I think we can all agree that as a popular culture shifts with time, there were some years that were great and there were some years that were way terrible. / T-Rex: For example! / T-Rex:Everyone knows that the 1920s were awesome ultimate fun times (on account of flappers and swing music!), and everyone knows that the 1970s were a decade of bad decision after bad decision: a cacophony of just - really bad decisions. / Dromiceiomimus: I think that some folks like the 70s. / T-Rex: Hilarious! / T-Rex: However, I have studied the past 2000 years and come up with the DEFINITIVE CULTURAL low. / Utahraptor: Really? 2000 years? / T-Rex: Yes, Utahraptor: I have gone all over 2000 years and found the global minimum: the exact day when North American, and indeed, world culture reached its, um, opposite of zenith. / Utahraptor: Nadir. / T-Rex: Yes. And it's the day AFTER the film "Forrest Gump" was released: July 7th, 1994. / Utahraptor: But... why? / Narrator: THURSDAY, JULY 7TH, 1994: 8:04 AM. T-REX IS RUNNING TO CATCH A BUS. / Unnamed: Run Forrest, run!! / T-Rex: FRIG!! / T-Rex: That's really obnoxious!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1320
shouts out to all the forrests and forests who emailed me yesterday with their stories. i wish they could have made him a sexy double agent instead too. T-Rex: Frig, man! Frig! / T-Rex: FRIG. / T-Rex: I've got one thing to say, Dromiceiomimus! Do you know what it is? / Dromiceiomimus: A minced oath? / T-Rex: Frig! / T-Rex: Probably!! / Utahraptor: So what's up? What went wrong? / T-Rex: Oh, nothing. Frig. / T-Rex: Nothing I want to talk about anyway, frig. / Utahraptor: Okay. Frig though, right? / T-Rex: Yes, frig! Frigs and dangs, drats and cruds. Heck! / T-Rex: ...FRIG. / Narrator: EARLIER: / T-Rex: It occurs to me that, as a single man, every romantic relationship I've ever had has ended in breakups! / T-Rex: I think every time I remember this I'll swear a li'l and feel bad about myself
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1321
lots of folks emailed me saying "what about widows and widowers? there's a relationship that didn't end in a breakup" and so, um, the deal is, i forgot about them? which makes me a horrible person? and i'm not really comfortable making jokes about it? The Devil: GREETINGS T-REX I HAVE A QUERY / The Devil: ARE YOU AWARE WHICH VIDEO GAME CONSOLE IS NOW THE BEST OF ALL TIME / T-Rex: Super Nintendo? / The Devil: Y- / The Devil: YES / The Devil: I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD SAY SOMETHING ELSE / T-Rex: Nope! Super Nintendo! / The Devil: MMM I MUST CONFESS TO HAVING THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION PLANNED OUT IN MY HEAD BUT I FAILED TO ANTICIPATE THIS RESPONSE / The Devil: PERHAPS YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR ANSWER TO THE VECTREX AND THEN WE COULD PROCEED / The Devil: ALTERNATIVELY SHOULD YOU CHOOSE THE GENESIS I HAVE PREPARED AN EXCELLENT ESSAY-RESPONSE / T-Rex: Sorry? I said the SNES was the best console ever because I never had one and they looked fun! / Utahraptor: No way, man! The Genesis was the best console ever! / T-Rex: Hey! Perfect! / T-Rex: Did you hear that? Utahraptor says the Sega Genesis was the best ever! Did you hear that? / T-Rex: Did you hear that? / T-Rex: Did you — / Utahraptor: YES I DID HEAR MYSELF / T-Rex: I WAS TALKING TO THE DEVIL ABOUT VIDEO GAMES UTAHRAPTOR / Utahraptor: OKAY FINE WHATEVER I'M GOING TO GO PLAY SEGA GENESIS / T-Rex: CAN I COME / Utahraptor: I AM THINKING NO / T-Rex: AW MAN / Utahraptor: OKAY NOW I AM THINKING YES
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1322
this is easier in photographs T-Rex: Guys, guys! Check out my awesome trick! / T-Rex: I'm a statue! / Dromiceiomimus: But you're moving! / T-Rex: I'm not! / T-Rex: I'm not, hold on, hold on / T-Rex: Ok NOW I'm a statue. / Utahraptor: I've never seen a worse statue! You just turned around and switched feet! / T-Rex: ONE GOT TIRED / T-Rex: Hold on, okay? Just - just hold on. Okay, NOW. Statue! / Utahraptor: Statues don't talk! You are a terrible statue and a worse friend!! / T-Rex: *gasp* / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor (offscreen): See, T-Rex? THIS is what a statue of you looks like. / T-Rex (also offscreen): Utahraptor / T-Rex (still offscreen): Can we talk about what was said earlier
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1323
guest week 2008: david malki ! of wondermark! Narrator: THE THUNDER-LIZARD'S DAY OUT / Narrator: STARRING THOS. REX, ESQ. / Narrator: The morning dawned bright and clear as the thunder-lizard began his perambulation. / Narrator: The neighbour-woman was outside tending her radishes. "Good morning," said the thunder-lizard. "Good morning!" said the neighbour-woman, a different (and inferiour) species of thunder-lizard. / Narrator: "I'm so glad you've come by," she said. "I ordered this hat from the specialty thunder-lizard haberdashery, but it's the wrong size! It looks like it might fit you, though - would you care for it?" / Narrator: "Would I!" beamed the thunder-lizard. What a morning! / Narrator: "Ho, there," came a cry from across the boulevard. "Quite a smashing hat you've got there!" It was the thunder-lizard's friend, another thunder-lizard. / Narrator: "It's the latest in fashions for thunder-lizards," said the thunder-lizard. "It fits my crown perfectly!" / Narrator: "Ah, but can it withstand a scissor-kick to the noggin?" asked the friend. "I've just come from judo class and I'm eager to share what I've learnt." The idiotic nature of this idea went unnoticed by either party. / Narrator: Twenty seconds later, the longstanding friendship was over. / T-Rex: NON-CANNON
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1324
 

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