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the sequel is "The Pedestrian Who Was Dropping His Pants While Also Dropping A Barf" T-Rex: Most of Shakespeare's life is a mystery! People spend their time reading his plays and saying "Man, this guy has dudes sailing from cities that are days away from large bodies of water." / T-Rex: "He must not have known geography that well!" / T-Rex: "Therefore... he must not have travelled that much! I HAVE UNCOVERED A FACT ABOUT SHAKESPEARE'S LIFE!" and then they're happy. / Dromiceiomimus: But that's because there's not much we actually know about Shakespeare's life. / T-Rex: That's exactly my point! We're RECONSTRUCTING it from hints, subtext, deduction and innuendo from his works. I CAN USE THIS. / Utahraptor: How? / T-Rex: In my own life! / T-Rex: I'll write plays that HINT at how great I am, how smart and sexy and awesome everyone finds me. Then I just excise every other mention of myself from history, and the plays are the only source left! They're the only way to learn about the towering mind behind them, this Adonis of authors, this... T-Rex. / Utahraptor: But what if your play sucks and nobody wants to know ANYTHING about its author? / T-Rex: Please. My first play is called "The Motorist Who Spewed Racial Epithets While Also Spewing Vomit"! / T-Rex: (It was inspired by an actual motorist I felt terrible about AND for!)
WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE AFTERLIFE, AMIRITE? SOMEBODY SHOULD GET ON THIS T-Rex: So, God! / God: HEY WHAT'S UP / T-Rex: I was wondering, what happens when you die? / God: UM / God: PRETTY SURE I GET TO LIVE FOREVER / T-Rex: No no, I mean, what happens when the RHETORICAL "you" dies? / God: WE ALL START SPEAKING MORE PRECISELY / T-Rex: What happens to ME when I die? Me. Myself! / God: I DO BELIEVE YOU GET BRAINED BY A TEAP CUP / T-Rex: Argh! Never try to have a theological discussion with God! / Utahraptor: I never do! / Utahraptor: In fact, I don't try to have theological discussions, period! Debating something that boils down to "I believe this despite an absence of proof" is not my idea of fun times. / T-Rex: ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DIE / Utahraptor: ...Don't you get brained by a teacup? / T-Rex: Alright, that's it. Attention, everyone! I have an announcement to make! I don't know when people started using "brain" as a verb, but i find I am forced to give it my full endorsement!!
it's only plagiarism if you write "plagiarism: the final frontier" and then you have a li'l footnote saying "i totally wrote every word of that, SCREW GENE RODDENBERRY" T-Rex: I think it would be a great idea to write a really convincing essay praising plagiarism, and have significant parts of it plagiarized. Hilarious! / T-Rex: Looks like this Thursday morning just got filled up!! / T-Rex: Ahem. Plagiarizing is the act of plagiarizing; taking someone's words or ideas as if they were your own! That's from the dictionary, Dromiceiomimus. I plagiarized it! / Dromiceiomimus: At what point does plagiarism begin, though? When defining a word, especially in brief, it's possible you'd hit on the exact same word structure as someone else. That's not plagiarism, that's just –independent invention! / Utahraptor: Yeah, and if you say "I'm hungry", you're not plagiarizing everyone who's said it before! / T-Rex: FINE. / T-Rex: "How do I love plagiarism? Let me count the ways." / Utahraptor: Well, there you're using a poem so famous I'd argue it doesn't need citation. It's a reference! People will get it. / T-Rex: Ah! You mean like "Plagiarism: the final frontier"? / T-Rex: "But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Plagiarism is the sun"? / T-Rex: "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, plagiarizing, fearing"? / Utahraptor: I feel like maybe you're not sure what plagiarism is
astute readers will notice that t-rex has travelled through time on many occasions. just sayin'! T-Rex: Any machine that travels through time has to be a machine that travels through space as well! I've been saying this for years. / T-Rex: Because dudes, the Earth is spinning on its axis! / T-Rex: And it's whipping around the sun, and the sun is rotating in the arm of a galaxy that's also whipping around the Universe. You go back in time without travelling through space, you're likely to find yourself alone in the vacuum, millions of kilometers behind the Earth you left a (relative) instant ago! / Utahraptor: Perhaps! But this problem only comes up if you're not the centre of the Universe. / T-Rex: Huh? / Utahraptor: If you're not the centre of the Universe, then you're perched on an Earth that's whipping through space, and sure, there's problems from that. But if you ARE the centre of the Universe, then everything's revolving around you! You can go through time without worry, because you'll always arrive right where you started. / T-Rex: Oh, wow! This means that if we can travel through time, then we can also SCIENTIFICALLY PROVE whether of not someone is actually the centre of the Universe. / T-Rex: Science keeps surprising me in surprising new ways!
if this were the last dinosaur comic ever, it would be exactly the same, except the last panel would be replaced with t-rex's painting T-Rex: So let's say I'm a painter, and I've studied really hard and I've worked really hard and I've become one of the best painters in the world. Hooray! Except there's one problem: / T-Rex: There's nowhere to go but down! / T-Rex: I've got no new frontiers to challenge! Do I quit while I'm ahead? That seems like a waste of all effort. or do I power throgh and continue painting as my body begins to fail, trying to recall my earlier successes as my work inevitably declines, sliding towards self-parody? / Utahraptor: I think that's egotistical and false dichotomy! / T-Rex: Explain! / Utahraptor: Just because you've conquered everything about painting TODAY doesn't mean you've also conquered everything about painting in the future. You're in privileged position of a master painter: from that high vantage point, maybe you can see where the medium can go next! / T-Rex: I have a confession, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: I was 10 the last I painted! And it was muscley dog doing the splits. And I'm sure Leonardo could have painted it better. And I'm pretty sure I'm talking about the Ninja Turtle there. / T-Rex: Aaaaand now I'm certain of it. I am speaking of the ninja teen.
 
hey everyone, remember xtreegold? man i have been on, like, a 24-hour xtgold nostalgia bender T-Rex: It's Tuesday, everyone! Let's talk about our bodies!! / T-Rex: Wooooo / T-Rex: Okay, my body is big AND tall AND it has many hidden surprises. I wonder which one YOU'LL discover next? / Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who describes their own body as "surprising". / T-Rex: It's not "Oh gosh oh gosh I didn't know that smell could exist" 24/7! There's good surprises too! / Utahraptor: You really think your body is perfect, don't you? / T-Rex: Honestly, I don't see any flaws! / Utahraptor: Really? Because if you had wings on your back, that would look incredible in this amazing death metal sort of way, and they might even give you limited flight abilities. I'd say that's MORE perfect! I'd say it's so much more perfect, in fact, that their absence becomes an almost palpable flaw. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: I used to be better at imagination
AND BY "RELIGION" I MEAN "CHRISTIANITY" T-Rex: If I had lived in the past I'd have different beliefs, because I'd have nobody modern around me to teach me anything else! / T-Rex: FACT. / T-Rex: And I find it really unlikely that I would come up with all our modern good stuff on my own, running around saying "YOU GUYS! DEMOCRACY IS PRETTY OKAY. ALSO, WOMEN ARE EQUAL TO MEN, AND RACISM? KIND OF A DICK MOVE!". If I was raised by racist and sexist parents in the middle of a racist and sexist society, I'm pretty certain I'd be racist and sexist! I'm only as enlightened as I am today because I've stood on the shoulders of giants. / Utahraptor: I'm pretty certain that you're right! / T-Rex: Okay, good! / T-Rex: But that doesn't make me a terrible person, right? We're judging the past by the standard of the present. / Utahraptor: Right. / T-Rex: Right. So that raises the question: IS EVERYONE FROM THAT PERIOD IN HELL, OR IS HEAVEN OVERWHELMINGLY POPULATED BY RACISTS?! / God: T-REX LISTEN THIS IS WHY I DON'T THINK ABOUT RELIGION THAT HARD / T-Rex: Don't you mean, "This is why YOU shouldn't think about religion that hard"? / God: MAN / God: EITHER WAY
i've eaten so many friggin' animals!! i've eaten ALL the friggin' animals. T-Rex: I have been assuming that our development as a people is linear, moving generally from less to more permissive. It occurs to me: / T-Rex: Maybe that isn't always the case! / T-Rex: Maybe 100 years from now people will look back on us and say "MAN I can't believe they permitted lifestyles different than my own, current lifestyle. Sheesh!" / Dromiceiomimus: Or maybe they'll look back and be aghast at all the animals we kill and eat for food? / T-Rex: Aw man, do you really think so? Frig, I'd be TOTALY POOCHED. I've eaten so many friggin' animals! / Utahraptor: Most of us have though! / T-Rex: Yeah, but I'm totally the worst. / T-Rex: Future folks can munch on a carrot, look back on us and say "They were wrong to eat so many tasty animals." FINE. But then when they see the caliber, frequency and verve of MY animal consumption, they'll spit out their carrots in surprise! And teh carrot chunks are 99% guaranteed to spell out the words "HISTORY'S GREATEST VILLAIN"! / Utahraptor: Come on! Our culture COULD end up swinging towards rampant fleshotarianism instead. / T-Rex: That's true. Man! / T-Rex: The future having different opinions than the present is making it REALLY HARD for me to be popular across all possible timelines.
10,000-pound gorillas!! Narrator: ADVENTURES IN METAPHORS! / T-Rex: Hey everyone, let's kick up our metaphors a notch, okay? It's time for 800-pound gorillas to become 1000-pound gorillas! / T-Rex: 10,000-pound gorillas!! / T-Rex: It's time for us to do things three-quarters assed. Or deci-assed. If we're doing something femto-assed then why are we even doing it at all? / Domiceiomimus: It's time for us to not just break the ice, but smash it? / T-Rex: We can do whatever we want, Dromiceiomimus! We can gently tap on the ice. We can rub our cheeks on the ice. WE CAN SMASH THROUGH THE ICE WITH A SUPERHEATED NUCLEAR BOMB!! / Utahraptor: I don't see how this engenders effective communication. / T-Rex: And I don't see how that's possible! / T-Rex: We will not be "rolling in dough", Utahraptor. We will be SNOWBOARDING down MOUNTAINS of dough. Dough will splash up and get in our eyes. We will have to go to the doctor, and we will say, "You can keep what you pull out of my eyes, Doc. These days I'm snowboarding down mountains of the stuff." / Narrator: LATER: ADVENTURES IN FRIENDSHIP! / T-Rex: Why didn't he compliment my metaphor
to my knowledge there are no helicopter pilots who have married poorly who read my comic. if you are one, then hopefully by "married poorly" you just mean "the wedding itself was ridiculous, strictly amateur hour" T-Rex: What's so great about being an adult? / T-Rex: Let's consider! / T-Rex: Adults can eat whatever foods they want, but also have to pay income taxes and manage personal finances, which is Boring and Stupid! / Dromiceiomimus: Adults can buy their own clothes, but also have to reconcile themselves to the fact that sooner or later, their best years will be behind them! / T-Rex: Adults can own grocery stores, but also have to face the long slow of their body, mind and self! / Utahraptor: Adults can see R-rated movies, but also have responsibility for their own well-being! / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: Adults can pilot helicopters, but also can marry poorly! / Utahraptor: Adults can sex each other up, but also can put so much meaning and pour so much hope into a single dream that, when this dream is finally achieved, it can never possibly live up to its expectations! / T-Rex: Utahraptor? / Utahraprot: Yes? / T-Rex: ...That one made me sad.
 
the gift-givers were like, "SERIOUSLY?? ALL YOU HAVE ARE NASEEM BALLOONS? FRIG. I'LL TAKE *ONE*" T-Rex: Here are some things that are sad! / T-Rex: Abandoned puppies, and little birds with a wing in a cast. Aww! / T-Rex: And then you throw in an orphan with a crutch! And a little girl holding the limp string and rubbery plastic remains of her only birthday gift this year, a balloon with the words "Happy Birthday Naseem!" printed on it. The girl's name is Jenn. / Dromiceiomimus: And the balloon wasn't filled with helium! It was filled with water. / T-Rex: Brackish, swampy water! And it was tossed to her without warning and now she's drenched. / Utahraptor: And the water also drenched the orphan and puppies and birds! / T-Rex: Yes! / Utahraptor: They're all drenched, lost in sorrow - a new kind of sorrow, a grief, a sadness so intense it could smother them. Dripping wet, staring at the ground, they weep. Eventually Jenn looks up and smiles as best she can, bravely, but it's so small, so fragile. She turns and walks away, her broken balloon dragging behind her. / T-Rex: A scientist runs up, explaining that dogs and birds can't cry! But, as she examines the animals she discovers that in addition to tear ducts, they have ALSO evolved the ability to experience sadness with an intensity previously unknown on the planet. THE END.
over two years ago i had a comic that ended with "warning: the preceding erotica was extremely sexually charged". I SAY THIS IS DIFFERENT ENOUGH TO STILL BE FUNNY. I LAUGHED. I LAUGHED AT MY OWN JOKE. YOU CAN TOO IF YOU WANT??? T-Rex: Here are some things that are joyous! / T-Rex: Puppies! And little birds with tiny ADORABLE wings! / T-Rex: And then throw in a happy little girl with a bow in her hair to play with the puppies and the birds. Ooh! And give her a bright blue balloon that's printed with the words, "Congratulations everyone, on curing all diseases!" / Dromiceiomimus: And another one that says "We all get to live forever now!" / T-Rex: And her THIRD balloon says "Also we replaced hate... with SNUGGLES." / Utahraptor: And the balloons are filled with pure joy! / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: Joy has been distilled into a useful gaseous resource! And everyone's so happy that it's basically infinite. We all keep being joyous, and our balloons keep getting more full. When they pop, it's not with a bang, but rather with the intimate sound of a lover's sigh at the end of a rousing session of SEXUAL CONGRESS!! / Narrator: WARNING: THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE
wikipedia says secrets are in our biology, and that sexual reproduction allows us to SECRETLY share genetic improvements without sharing them with the rest of the community. oh, wikipidia. sometimes - i just don't know, wikipedia. T-Rex: SECRETS. / T-Rex: Do we keep them in order to keep relationships running smoothly? / T-Rex: Do we share them to cement friendships? Treasure them because we value knowledge, and if the knowledge is privileged then it's even MORE valuable? Create them because we are all hopelessly duplicitous and our public faces and private personas can never be reconciled? / Utahraptor: Perhaps we create them out of shame? / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: Those who keep their failings secret appear more perfect, and so we too keep our shames private, in order to bring ourselves up to this impossible standard! / Utahraptor: And when failings are revealed, we react with judgement, fearing any sympathy might arouse interest in our own secrets! / T-Rex: [[Thinking]] No-one must know I peed on the wall / Utahraptor: [[Thinking]] No-one must know I peed on the wall / T-Rex: [[Thinking]] No-one must know I bet Utahraptor peed on the wall though
don't call us "the contamination". just call us "the other", and respond to us accordingly, i guess Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: FLASH FORWARD / T-Rex: Flash forwards are a useful storytelling technique! They happen when you- / Narrator: / T-Rex: Frig, we're all dead!! / T-Rex: Get the hell out of here, Dromiceiomimus! The Contamination is right behind me! / Dromiceiomimus: You let it loose?! / T-Rex: I didn't let is loose - it let itself loose! It's self-aware, I'm sure of it, but all it seems to be aware of... / Dromiceiomimus: ... is REVENGE. / Utahraptor: T-Rex! Thank God I found you! Is there anything we can do? / T-Rex: No. GOD DAMN IT, no! / T-Rex: It takes over our minds, our bodies! How do you fight something like that? / Utahraptor: You don't, T-Rex: you join it. You - embrace it. Don't call us "the Contamination" We just want to... elevate you. / T-Rex: Leave me alone! Leave me alone, you monsters!! / Narrator: EARLIER / T-Rex: - jump ahead to show where actions might lead. It's Foreshadowing taking off her negligee! / Utahraptor: I wish you wouldn't sexualize literary techniques, T-Rex. / T-Rex: And I wish you wouldn't interrupt my sexualizin', Utahraptor!!
the real murderer was you, the reader. nice going. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's literary technique: PLOT TWISTS / T-Rex: Plot twists are when you think the murderer was the cape guy, but then it turns out.... / T-Rex: ...the murderer was actually this other cape guy!! / T-Rex: They also happen when a plant is revealed to ACTUALLY be a ghost plant. Or when Oedipus realizes he's in Oedipus Rex and then stabs out his eyes! / Dromiceiomimus: He actually stabs out his eyes becuase he realizes he's murdered his father and married his mother. / T-Rex: *gasp* / T-Rex: Twists upon twists!! / Utahraptor: Plot twists don't always happen at the end, though! / T-Rex: It's true! / T-Rex: Sometimes they happen in the middle. Like in romantic comedies when the female lead says "You know what I'M just not that into? NOT BEING INMY GIANT ROBOT SUIT!" and then she walks around in her giant robot suit. / Utahraptor: ...What? / T-Rex: And then Mr. Darcy shows up in HIS robot suit, and he holds up a sign that says, "Forsooth, I had forgotten I ownned this robot Suitte"? / T-Rex: Holy crap, Utahraptor! Would it be a plot twist IN MY OWN LIFE to spend all my time rewriting out-of-copyright books??
 
today is the day my ms word spell check evolved the ability to hate T-Rex: Dudes! It's time to impress my friends with my EXPANSIVE VOCABULARY! / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: Okay, shoot, I know I had something planned here. What word was I going to use? S-... "Standard"? / Dromiceiomimus: "Standard" is the word you were going to impress us with? "Standard". / T-Rex: I - maybe? / Utahraptor: I would've at least added some suffixes! / T-Rex: Standard-tastic? / Utahraptor: "Standard-tastic". No, real words, like "standardized". You know? Or "restandardizational". "DiDODECArestandardizational"! Now we're moving into the realm of me being impressed: 11 syllables! BUT DUE TO YOUR STUMBLES, I'M ONLY BECOMING MORE AND MORE IMPRESSED WITH MYSELF!! / T-Rex: That's not a real word. / Utahraptor: Didodecarestandardizational: something referring to or about the restandardization process in a way that is related to 2 groupings of 12. / T-Rex: Okay but the first time actually someone uses that word the world will end! / Utahraptor: I KNEW THE RISKS
it's also the universe where t-rex puts asterisks in conversation. it's a two-in-one T-Rex: I bet that I could be an amazing ballet dancer. In fact... yes. Wait. Yes! / T-Rex: Yes, I'm certain of it! / Dromiceiomimus: Ballet is hard and takes years of training, T-Rex! To suggest that you could just barge onstage during Swan Lake and just join in is actually kind of offensive to ballet dancers. / T-Rex: Oh, I know! That's not what I meant. I meant, "I bet that, HAD I SPENT YEARS TRAINING, I could be an amazing ballet dancer". / Dromiceiomimus: Ah. / Utahraptor: But it takes more than training! / T-Rex: Oh, of course! / T-Rex: My true meaning was, "I bet that, had I the body type, circumstances, inclination, talent AND training, I could be an amazing ballet dancer." / Utahraptor: Ah. Well. I guess that would indeed be the case. / T-Rex: Yep! / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A BALLET DANCER! / T-Rex: Well, *I* bet that I could be an amazing -- um, guy who walks around and talks shit up?
someone monitoring my google searches today would find "where are darwin's remains", "where is darwin buried", "how long does it take a skeleton to decay", and "okay but what if it was near an anthill though" T-Rex: Guess who's two hundred years old today? Charles Darwin! / T-Rex: He invented evolution. / God: T-REX / T-Rex: What? / Dromeceiomimus: Darwin didn't invent evolution, he described it! It existed before he came along. And he's not two hundred years old today, T-Rex! His birthday was two hundred years ago, but he's dead. / T-Rex: Today is the day Darwin's remains turn two hundred years old! / Utahraptor: But most of them are probably long decayed! / T-Rex: FINE! / T-Rex: Today is the day the raw material in Darwin's body, WHICH HAS SINCE PASSED BACK INTO THE EARTH AND LIKELY BEEN REINCORPORATED INTO MANY LIFE FORMS SINCE, is two hundred years old! / Utahraptor: But this material existed before Darwin did. / T-Rex: ARGH / Narrator: IN CONCLUSION, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
guys valentine's day is TOMORROW! if you're single, holy crap time is running out!! T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury! I appreciate you giving me the chance to address you. This whole thing started... / Narrator: ...TWO DAYS AGO: / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: I'm really excited about this, Dromiceiomimus. / Dromiceiomimus: I am too, T-Rex! It's going to be great. / T-Rex: I know! And the best part: there's NOTHING illegal about it! / Utahraptor: Hey, do you guys need some friggin' help? / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: The more the merrier! / Utahraptor: Wow, I'm really excited about this! / T-Rex: I am too. I think this will be the best TEAM ESSAY ON THE SIGNIFICANCE OF FRIENDSHIP IN EARLY EASTERN LITERATURE ever! / Narrator: END OF FLASHBACK. / T-Rex: So! In summary and in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: / T-Rex: ...Um, I'm actually not really sure why I'm here?
one day i'll write a comic like this and get a visit from the government, and the government will say, hey, how did you know about our listening device? and then the government will say, hey, we read your comic. we're big fans. keep it up, ryan. T-Rex: Okay, so let's assume you know the position of every air molecule in the room. / T-Rex: Things are going pretty well for you, my friend! / T-Rex: Someone in the room says something to another person, and then they both leave. Assuming you know exactly how they moved when they left (and therefore how they displaced the air!) then any remaining displacement is due to sound waves. By looking at the location of the air molecules in the empty room, you can reconstruct what was said in the past! Dudes! It's a perfect, UNDETECTABLE listening device! / Utahraptor: But how much particle displacement happens at conversational levels? / T-Rex: LOTS, probably! / Utahraptor: I dunno, Sound's a wave that travels THROUGH the medium it's in, right, so I'd imagine that's mostly oscillation, not displacement. If you talk to me from across the room, I'm not being splattered with air from inside your lungs. / T-Rex: Oh REALLY? / Narrator: SOON: / Utahraptor: T-Rex / Utahraptor: It doesn't count if you're just spitting on me
 
TINY BATMAN HEAD APPEARS COURTESY OF DC COMICS, WHO INVENTED HIS ENTIRE BODY ALSO ACTUALLY T-Rex: Let's say I break the law BUT I had a really good reason for doing it. Maybe I'm Batman! / T-Rex: MAYBE I'M BATMAN. / T-Rex: So maybe I'm Batman and I break the law and I get caught but I had a really good reason. I'm going to hope that the police take that into account! I'm BASICALLY going to hope for selective enforcement of the law. But that's kind of a terrible thing to hope for: it puts the law in the hands of an individual police officer, with all their preconceptions and prejudices! / Utahraptor: You'd prefer zero tolerance? / T-Rex: Not hardly! / T-Rex: That fails to consider extenuating circumstances, like the fact that maybe I'm Batman! So I'm stuck. I know it's useful to allow the police to make exceptions, but I don't want my freedom dependent on whether I get a nice cop or a mean one! / Utahraptor: I suppose that is a reasonable concern! / Narrator: LATER / Batman: t-rex, guess how many times i've worried about mean cops! / T-Rex: S-Several? / Batman: okay / Batman: THAT was a lucky guess
it's way cuter if mr. tusks does it. 'excuse me, but the inside of your mouth looks a LITTLE dry', he says. aww! mr. tusks! Narrator: HOW TO KISS / T-Rex: Some people who have never kissed before worry, "What if I'm bad at it? My sweetie will never want to kiss me again!" / T-Rex: This is entirely reasonable! / T-Rex: In the high-stakes world of kissing, there's just no room for second chances. Luckily for anyone, I can teach you how to kiss! You simply whisper "The inside of your mouth looks a little dry", lock mouths with your partner, and then, you flood them with your saliva. / Dromiceiomimus: Oh God. That's disgusting. / T-Rex: That, Dromiceiomimus, is a very peculiar way to pronounce "erotic". / Utahraptor: You've actually kissed like that? / T-Rex: I call it, "The Inundation". / T-Rex: No, wait. "The Deluge". "The Monsoon". No, "The Happy Swamping"! / Utahraptor: Okay, promise me right now that you'll never perform anything on me that could possibly be referred to as "The Happy Swamping". / T-Rex: ...FINE. / Narrator: SIX MONTHS LATER: / T-Rex: Utahraptor!! / T-Rex: I renamed it to "The Oral Overflow"
here i am assuming that the amount of radiation needed to kill a human (10 Gy) is the same as the amount needed to kill a dinosaur. IF SCIENCE PROVES ME WRONG I WILL BE THE FIRST TO APOLOGIZE, AND THEN I WILL SAY, HEY WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DINOSAUR T-Rex: Deinococcus radiodurans is one of the most radiation resistant bacterium ever! It can ALSO survive dehydration, exposure to vacuum, and acid being thrown in its face. / T-Rex: It is the T-Rex of the animal world! / T-Rex: You give this guy enough radiation to kill a dinosaur, and it survives. Then you give it 500 times that dose, and it still shrugs it off! Dudes are friggin' NIGH-INVINCIBLE against radiation. Just like, or so I suspect, myself! / Dromiceiomimus: That's pretty amazing! / T-Rex: Yep! it pulls this off by protecting its repair enzymes from radiation damage, AND by keeping multiple known-good copies of its DNA! / Utahraptor: But there's no place on Earth that even comes CLOSE to having such high radiation levels! / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: Why would bacteria evolve such effective protection against an entirely nonexistent threat? / Utahraptor: That's what I'm saying. / T-Rex: Unless, of course, the threat actually exists... / T-Rext: ... or should I say - ACTUALLY EXISTED?? / Narrator: T-REX'S THEORY: / [[Inside thought bubble: a graphical chat log.]] / Little Alien Yorps: <> / Deinococcus radiodurans: man, keep shooting me and i'm just gonna evolve defense against lazer beams! / Little Alien Yorps: <> / Deinococcus radiodurans: FINE / Deinococcus radiodurans: ps it's millions of years ago right now
this comic continues the series of "comics in which immigration is used as a way to segue to robocop" found irregularly peppered throughout the historical record T-Rex: The immigrant experience: / T-Rex: ...what's the deal? / T-Rex: Well, if you ask ME, I'd say it's the experience of "immigrating", if you will, to a new country. Coupled, of course, with the emigrant experience of leaving your old country behind! / Dromiceiomimus: That's all you've got? / T-Rex: I'm in over my head, Dromiceiomimus! I've totally barely ever immigrated! / Utahraptor: I've never been to the bottom of the ocean, but I still know there's freaky-ass transparent fish there! / T-Rex: FINE. / T-Rex: I'll go learn about immigration, okay? And then I'll return here in exactly 24 hours and dazzle you with the nuances of my new, hyperinformed opinion synthesized from my own reactions to the many viewpoints I've encountered, alright?? / Utahraptor: Okay, sure! / Narrator: 23 HOURS LATER, AT THE VIDEO STORE: / T-Rex: Excuse me, do you guys have any movies about "the immigrant experience?" It's an emergency! / Video store guy: Yes! / T-Rex: ...Starring Robocop? / Video store guy: No. / T-Rex: Maaaaaaaaaan
hey, all the bill petersons out there in the world who read my comic and who are coming to terms with their lives! assuming you exist, big ups!! T-Rex: My new book is called "BILLY THE TEEN! BILLY WAS THE TEEN... WHO LOVED BEING A TEEN!" / T-Rex: (It's aimed towards teens!) / T-Rex: So, after clearly being established as a teen, Billy goes off and meets some other teens! They become friends and they hang around outside fast-food restaurants, and sometimes, they go in and get some fast food FROM the restaurant. Later, Billy announces that he just plain loves being a teen! All his friends nod their heads in ready agreement. / Utahraptor: And then what happens? / T-Rex: A few pages in, Billy realizes his 20th birthday is coming up! / T-Rex: He'll no longer be a teen. It's a disaster! He's TERRIFIED. He's waking up in cold sweats. Billy's certain that when he becomes 20 he'll lose something vital of himself. / Utahraptor: And then? / T-Rex: And then... he dies of a heart attack! / T-Rex: But like, 50 years later, you know? Long after he's come to terms with everything. The vast bulk of the book details Billy's entire adult life, and the last page says "The actual title this book is 'Mr. Bill Peterson, Who Came To Terms with His Life Over 60 Years'".
 
it took a few tries to find a domain name like businesssuccessislifesuccess.com that wasn't already taken by some terrible person that i hope to never run into at a party Narrator: TIPS FOR JOB HUNTERS / T-Rex: Attention, people who are hunting jobs! You are know as "job hunters" and guess what? I have some tips for you, my friends! / T-Rex: Tip number one is to have a good email address! / T-Rex: If I were an employer and I had two equally qualified candidates, but one resume came from colin@businesssuccessislifesuccess.com and the other resume came from colin@chumpstakingdumps.com, I know which one I'd want to hire! / Dromiceiomimus: Is it colin@chumpstakingdumps.com? / T-Rex: It is without hesitation! / T-Rex: That business success jerk has the most obnoxious email address ever. / Utahraptor: And the other guy doesn't? / T-Rex: No man! The other guy surveyed the field of resume email addresses and said, "You know what? It can be done better." I'm fascinated by him! Who is Colin? And furthermore, what of his Chumps, who it seems are presently Taking Dumps?? I don't know, but I want to offer him a job to find out! / Narrator: T-REX PUTS UP A FAKE JOB LISTING TO SEE WHAT EMAIL ADDRESSES HE GETS. THE BEST IS FROM COLIN@BONERSAPOPPIN.NET / T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome! / T-Rex: ... It's not the guy I made up, though.
CORPORATE verbing weirds language T-Rex: I am generally a pretty easy-going guy! But guys, there's this one thing really boils my potatoes! / T-Rex: TWEETING. / T-Rex: Okay, I get that you're using Twitter! SUPER. But I really don't get why we need a new verb for that.. All "tweeting" means is "posting to Twitter": it's got the same meaning as "post", except THIS verb can only be used in relation to a single corporate website. That's insane! Corporations invent nouns all the time, and I can accept that, but verbs? Really? Is updating Twitter SO DIFFERENT than updating any other website that we need a whole new word for it? / Utahraptor: Man this is old news, Professor Curmudgeonly! You ever seen something escalate? / T-Rex: Sure have! / Utahraptor: OH DAMN "ESCALATE" IS A VERB MADE UP FROM "ESCALATOR", WHICH WAS ITSELF A TRADEMARK! So now you can't escalate. And you also can't zip up your pants. Or go trampolining, roller-blading, or jetskiing. Or tase your enemies. / T-Rex: Man! Friggin' English friggin' lets me down friggin' again!! / T-Rex: Also! / T-Rex: ...I do believe that last sentence let me down as well
T-Rex: Somebody please write a really popular song about me, okay? / T-Rex: And make it really catchy, okay? / T-Rex: And make sure all the lyrics are really positive, stuff like "Oh T-Rex you're so fine / you're so fine you blow my mind / Oh T-Rex / you are assuredly the best is what I'm communicating here", okay? / Dromiceiomimus: Why? / T-Rex: A #1 song all about how great I am -- It's the best PR imaginable! Folks'll meet me and say, "YOU'RE T-Rex?! Suddenly, arousal washes over me as unstoppably as the ocean tide." / Utahraptor: You meet some eloquent people! / T-Rex: Once this song is written I will, anyway! / Utahraptor: But have you considered that no song stays popular forever? There's bound to be a backlash, and the faster a song becomes popular, the greater the backlash to it once it begins to fall from favour! / T-Rex: Impossible! I'm certain that THIS song will be so good that, for the rest of time, folks will forever say, / Off-Panel speaker: Dear God, this song is like a polka equivalent of Vanilla Ice covering "Achy Breaky Heart" in a quarter-time falsetto. / T-Rex: Hey! Hey you, across the street! / T-Rex: Daaaaang.
What if dreams are the REAL world? T-Rex: You know when people say "oh my GOSH what if dreams are the REAL world and this world is all a crazy mixed-up dream??" / T-Rex: Attention everyone! You should not listen to these people!! / T-Rex: If the dream world is real, then the real world is one where stuff is crazy all the time, where people are always showing up for their public speaking engagements naked, where things are stupid and then really sexy and then stupid again. And in this insane universe, people are going to bed, falling asleep, and having entirely consistent dreams about checking their email? / Dromiceiomimus: Makes sense to me! / Utahraptor: Yeah, why wouldn't that be the case? / T-Rex: Because it's helluva stupid! / T-Rex: Any universe so insane would self-destruct before its inhabitants had the chance to go to sleep and dream of filling out dream income tax forms for dream income they got at their dream job. Dream there is used in a pejorative sense. / Utahraptor: Yeah, I followed that. / Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: / T-Rex: So apparently in the REAL world, my friends are swarmed by zombies. The zombies then advance on me, and my response is to scream, charge them, and then instantly fall into REM sleep and wake up here. / T-Rex: I say again: STUPIDEST UNIVERSE EVER.
What if dreams are the REAL world? T-Rex: You know when people say "oh my GOSH what if dreams are the REAL world and this world is all a crazy mixed-up dream??" / T-Rex: Attention everyone! You should not listen to these people!! / T-Rex: If the dream world is real, then the real world is one where stuff is crazy all the time, where people are always showing up for their public speaking engagements naked, where things are stupid and then really sexy and then stupid again. And in this insane universe, people are going to bed, falling asleep, and having entirely consistent dreams about checking their email? / Dromiceiomimus: Makes sense to me! / Utahraptor: Yeah, why wouldn't that be the case? / T-Rex: Because it's helluva stupid! / T-Rex: Any universe so insane would self-destruct before its inhabitants had the chance to go to sleep and dream of filling out dream income tax forms for dream income they got at their dream job. Dream there is used in a pejorative sense. / Utahraptor: Yeah, I followed that. / Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: / T-Rex: So apparently in the REAL world, my friends are swarmed by zombies. The zombies then advance on me, and my response is to scream, charge them, and then instantly fall into REM sleep and wake up here. / T-Rex: I say again: STUPIDEST UNIVERSE EVER.
in undergrad i was batman against parking tickets. i can't tell you how; you'll all just have to accept it as the truth, okay? T-Rex: Parking tickets! / T-Rex: Everyone who loves parking tickets, throw your hands up in the air! Raise the friggin' roof! / [[No hands raise up in this panel.]] / T-Rex: Ah. So everyone's stealing my anti-ticket opinions INSTEAD of raising the roof. That's fine, that's cool. / Utahraptor: Whatever! / Utahraptor: People hated parking tickets long before you came along. They ALSO dislike restrictive bank service hours, computer phone systems that make it difficult to talk to a real person, AND unjustified authority. / T-Rex: But I hate all those things too! HAVE I NEVER HAD AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT IN MY LIFE?? / T-Rex (thinking): It would be awesome if popsicles tasted like the stick they're on instead, and then the stick tasted like the flavoured ice / T-Rex: *phew*
 

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