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I am realizing that a good 50% of cards could conclude with "anyway i felt bad, so here's a card." the other 50% are the happy cards, so they can end with "anyway i felt GOOD, so here's a card, i guess" T-Rex: I had a really good time on the swimming trip you planned! / Narrator: "THANKS FOR TAKING ME SWIMMING" / Narrator: a web card / T-Rex: Normally when we get together we all see a movie or something, but it was a great idea to go swimming. I had a great time, and I'm sure we all enjoyed the decadence of swimming in an indoor pool when it's still chilly outside. Let's do it again sometime! Thank you for setting this up. / Narrator: THE END / T-Rex: Okay, listen, I kinda walked in on you while changing and I saw your naked crotch. / Utahraptor: But it was an accident! / Narrator: "I SAW YOUR NAKED CROTCH BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT" / Narrator: a web card / T-Rex: I don't want to comment on whether or not it was a nice naked crotch! It was fine. I only looked out of some weird instinct. I think we've all got it. / T-Rex: Anyway I felt bad, so here's a card. / Narrator: THE END
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1451
they were called "oh's" and just try to track down an o-shaped cereal that is called "oh's". i cannot imagine a more crowded namespace T-Rex: Once upon a time there was this really great cereal. It was oats in the shape of an "o", sweetened, and inside the "o"s there were clusters of tasty nuts. / T-Rex: It was SO good! / T-Rex: And then they took the cereal off the market and this little kid could never find it again. Okay, it was me. I was the kid. I looked and looked and was convinced all the grocery stores were hiding it somewhere. But it was gone, and that one box of the cereal was all I ever had. I never stopped looking, however, and yesterday I found it - under a different name, but with all the same ingredients! / Utahraptor: And? How was it? / T-Rex: WAY too sweet, Utahraptor. / T-Rex: It wasn't too my taste at ALL. And the kicker is I remembered it as being even sweeter! I realized that my tastes had changed long ago - that I'd never again be able to enjoy the cereal I remembered so vividly. I'd been chasing a dream that had somehow become impossible when I wasn't looking. / T-Rex: And for who? For a child I knew decades ago, a child who had long since faded into adulthood - into me. Anyway bottom line I had to see food go to waste so I poured the rest through your mail slot.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1452
i was going to do the myth of medusa, but she's basically king midas with stone instead of gold and the male gaze instead of touch. you heard it here first. Narrator: THE MYTH OF ICARUS / T-Rex: Icarus and his dad were imprisoned on an island with water patrols, so they couldn't escape by boat. But they still wanted to escape anyway, so they made wings out of wax and feathers and flew away. / T-Rex: Pretty clever, boys!! / T-Rex: And while they were flying, his dad warned Icarus not to fly too close to the sun, because the wax in his wings would melt and he'd fall to his death! Icarus said "Frig, is this symbolic of how we mortals should not aspire to usurp the power of the Gods? Is this an allegory showing the limits and folly of earthly invention? Because we just invented heavier-than-air flight out of WAX and FEATHERS, Dad. I think maybe the Gods won't mind." / T-Rex: And then Icarus flew straight up! / Utahraptor: As high as he could! / Utahraptor: And as saying that things get hotter the higher up you get is incredibly naive (how come mountain tops aren't sweltering?), Icarus was fine. Temperature actually DECREASES as you go up the troposphere, and there's no way Icarus could fly up to the thermosphere, where things DO get hot, because there's just not enough air. / T-Rex: So Icarus had a great time flying and when he finally landed his dad said "Wow, I sure was wrong", and they spent the rest of their lives flying just as close to the sun as their clever mechanical wings would take them. Kids! The moral is never listen to your elders!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1453
dromiceiomimus you are the most patient dinosaur of all T-Rex: If I changed my name to "Well and Good", then if I was killed and mangled in a horribly brutal death, the inspector on the scene could chuckle and nudge his friend and say "Hey. I suppose this is MOSTLY Well and Good?" / T-Rex: Hilarious! / T-Rex: Plus, if people saw me on the street they could say "Hey, it's all Well and Good!", except that they wouldn't actually say the "all", so it would just be "Hey, it's Well and Good", which doesn't really work. / T-Rex: ...Alright, I've decided. I'm not going to change my name if it ONLY works in the event of my horrific death, Dromiceiomimus. / Dromiceiomimus: okay / Utahraptor: Why can't you just be happy with the name you've got? / T-Rex: I am! / Utahraptor: It doesn't seem like it: you're always trying to change it to something with more of a punchline to it. But jokes get old! And if your name's a joke, you'll be the first one to get tired of it. / T-Rex: That's - that's a really good point, Utahraptor. Alright. No more joke names. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Everyone! If I was called T-Tex I could wear big Texas hat all the time!! / T-Rex: THIS IS NO JOKE
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1454
i am a man who enjoys eating a barbequed anything now and again T-Rex: I am a man who enjoys eating a barbecued pork chop now and again and then a few times more. / T-Rex: There's no shame in that! / T-Rex: And if you are a man - OR a woman, Dromiceiomimus! - who shares my love for tasty barbecued meat, then you should come over tonight and we'll have a barbecue! / Dromiceiomimus: You can barbecue vegetables, T-Rex. I'll bring some vegetables and I'll show you how! / T-Rex: FINE / Utahraptor: You can also barbecue whole chickens, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Oh man, and you'll bring some chickens and show me how? / Utahraptor: Sure! I'm sure I can pick some up. / T-Rex: EXCELLENT. It's going to be a meat and smoke orgy, Utahraptor. I'm pretty sure we'll end up eating one of ALL of God's creatures, which reminds me, I should invite God to this! / Narrator: LATER: / God: T-REX THERE ARE LIKE TWENTY TRILLION DIFFERENT KINDS OF BACTERIA THAT YOU'D HAVE TO BARBECUE TO TASTE ONE OF ALL THE LIFE ON EARTH / God: THAT SAID / God: THEY'RE ALL DELICIOUS SO I'M TOTALLY THERE
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1455
 
i can set my calendar by it. "oh, i could kinda go for some fried chicken. i last pigged out on it in april, so what is this - september? it's probably september." Narrator: T-REX IN: "MY FRIED CHICKEN CYCLE" / T-Rex: Oh daaaaaamn! I'm at the absolute peak of my fried chicken cycle, dudes! / T-Rex: Every eight months or so I really want some fried chicken, the greasier the better. Then, I eat the fried chicken, and THEN, that itch is totally scratched! But it never lasts, and my desire begins to grow again, culminating eight months later, when guys, I could SERIOUSLY go for some fried chicken. / Utahraptor: What happens if you don't eat any fried chicken! / T-Rex: The cycle continues regardless! / T-Rex: It's a force of nature. I'm actually proud of it, because most men don't know what having a mammalian menstrual cycle is like - but I do! You know what it's like? / Utahraptor: What's it like? / T-Rex: It is entirely analogous to wanting some delicious fried chicken, once every two-thirds of a year. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: What the heck, Oxford English Dictionary?! / T-Rex: I could've SWORN that "unsay" was something a person can actually do.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1456
add a few Is each time you do it Narrator: COMICS THAT END IN "OH SHIIII-" / T-Rex: Wow! The plants are nice and the birds are singing and the sun is almost down from the top of the sky. / T-Rex: What a beautiful day! / Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, what if beauty is nothing but an illusion? What if we're all nothing but dreams within dreams that, for an instant, imagine themselves to be real? / T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: OH SHIIIIIIII- / Narrator: THE END / Utahraptor: Man, I was paying my taxes and paying my heating bill today, and I think I put the wrong cheque in the wrong envelope! / T-Rex: No worries, Utahraptor! With two cheques, if you put the right cheque in the wrong envelope, you'd have a problem. But the wrong cheque in the wrong envelope is logically equivalent to the right cheque in the right envelope! / Utahraptor: T-Rex! That's not what I meant! / T-Rex and Utahraptor: OH SHIIIIIIIIII-
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1457
i guess there's not much science fiction where time travel is facilitated by, you know, god God: T-REX IF YOU COULD SAY ONE SENTENCE TO YOUR PAST SELF WHAT WOULD IT BE / T-Rex: Um - "What's shake-a-lakin', past dude?" / God: WHAT'S SHAKE-A-LAKIN' PAST DUDE" / T-REX: You put me on the spot! / T-Rex: I need time to think of what I'd say to my younger self. What would you say, Dromiceiomimus? / Dromiceiomimus: "Have confidence in this certainty: things will be alright." / T-Rex: Really? That's a little too after-school special for me and my past self. / Utahraptor: I'd say "sending messages through time is possible, and you'll live long enough to take advantage of it!" / T-Rex: Not bad! / T-Rex: But that's already implied by the medium itself. I suppose I could take advantage of the "one sentence" policy and compose the longest most complex sentence ever, and pour my heart into it. / Utahraptor: That works too! / T-Rex: But what to say? What to say? / God: ANYWAY THE REASON I ASKED IS THAT I'VE GOT A MESSAGE FROM YOUR FUTURE SELF / God: IT READS "TELL PAST ME THAT SAYING 'BONERS AHOY' IS STILL WAY HILARIOUS IN THE FUTURE" / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: BUT I WAS ALREADY ASSUMING THAT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1458
this is me shamelessly appealing to the digging-ditches-and-hating-it part of the audience T-Rex: We'd all be a heck of a lot more productive if work was as entertaining as - you know, entertainment! In particular, I'd be a lot better off if learning accounting was as relentlessly entertaining as learning, I don't know... / T-Rex: ...of the sexual histories of friends and acquaintances, PERHAPS?? / T-Rex: Heck, if being a responsibly and productive member of the community was as entertaining as turning on the TV and seeing Batman punch someone in the junk, I'd be all over that! / Dromiceiomimus: Over what? Batman punching or being a good member of society? / T-Rex: Both at the same time, Dromiceiomimus! / Utahraptor: I suppose you're proposing we somehow make "work" more entertaining? / T-Rex: Actually, no! / T-Rex: Such an approach is doomed from the start. Don't you think generations of parents have tried this? Despite their best efforts, cleaning a room is never as fun as making it messy again. And when we grow up, digging a ditch is never as fun as - I don't know, the opposite of digging a ditch. / T-Rex: Digging a ditch is never as fun piling things onto a small ridge by the side of the road. / Narrator: THE END
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1459
i'm the handsome one T-Rex: I was doing a search on my name and discovered that there's ANOTHER guy called "T-Rex" out there! / T-Rex: And he's a VEGAN! / T-Rex: HILARIOUS. / Utahraptor: Vegans are hilarious now? / T-Rex: Oh man, are they? / Utahraptor: No no, I meant, "This is hilarious because he's vegan?" / T-Rex: Ah, no, it's hilarious because he's the opposite of me! He's a vegan while I'm adding meat to my milkshakes. When I'm high fiving people left and right, he's sitting around just leaving 'em hanging! / T-Rex: When I'm taking a beautiful woman to dinner, he's helping a homely man throw up! When I'm writing a beautiful narrative, he's writing Koopa Troopa fan fiction. / Utahraptor: Sounds like he's having the more interesting evening. / T-Rex: I know, right? / T-Rex: I'm not sure how that happened
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1460
 
MORE ON TATTOOS FROM THE GUY WHO WILL ONLY GET ONE WHEN HE HAS CONSIDERED THEIR SIGNIFICANCE FROM ALL POSSIBLE ANGLES T-Rex: Tattoos are insurance policies! They're ways of reserving who you are now for the rest of your life. / T-Rex: And I present proof! Proof by explaining what I just said! / T-Rex: When you get a tattoo, you're getting pictures or words - or both! - written right onto your flesh permanently, assuming you don't remove or alter them. And pictures or words are really just communication, and communication is really just ideas in transit, right? So a tattoo is really just Present You telling Future You "Look, this was important to me, so um, I kinda made sure you're not going to forget it." / Utahraptor: It's an insurance policy for personal development? / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: If I get a Koopa Troopa tattoo, I know that no matter what happens to me in the future, no matter what jobs I take or interests I develop, I'll always be, AT MINIMUM, the sort of guy who has a Koopa Troopa burned into his flesh. / Utahraptor: ... / T-Rex: Or a Koopa Para-troopa. Whatever. / Narrator: LATER / T-Rex: They're the ones with wings!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1461
i'm not making fun of the devil. anyone to get 10 billion points in arcade nibbler is amazing and probably supernatural Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: HOW IS TODAY SPECIAL FOR YOU? / T-Rex: Today is special because today is the day I show everyone how manly I am. Today is the day I punch out the friggin' sun!! / God: TODAY IS SPECIAL BECAUSE NO WAY COULD T-REX EVER PUNCH OUT THE SUN / T-Rex: Aw nuts! / Dromiceiomimus: Today is special because today I'm going to be a lady with poise and grace, who excels at her job and does all that she can to make the world a better place! / T-Rex: Not bad! / Dromiceiomimus: I know, right? / Utahraptor: Today is special because we're all healthy and happy! / T-Rex: Um, hello, BORING / Devil: TODAY IS SPECIAL BECAUSE TODAY IS THE DAY I ACHIEVE 10 BILLION POINTS IN THE ARCADE VERSION OF "NIBBLER" WHICH YOU WILL NOTE IS A FULL ORDER OF MAGNITUDE HIGHER THAN WHAT HAS BEEN ACHIEVED BEFORE / Devil: IT WILL BE / Devil: I ASSURE YOU / Devil: A TRULY STAGGERING ACHIEVEMENT / Raccoons/Cephalopods: TODAY IS EXTREMELY SPECIAL, T-REX. TODAY IS THE DAY WE REDEFINE THE UNCANNY VALLEY SO THAT IT CAN ALSO BE APPLIED TO SEX! / T-Rex: I'm - I'm not sure I understand? / Raccoons/Cephalopods: T-REX / Raccoons/Cephalopods: YOU WILL
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1462
TRUE FACTS: there was a duke3d ladder, and i was really good - in the worldwide top 50! i thought i was really somethin' else until i saw a video of the top two players in a match, and it was clear to me i would never get to that level. T-Rex: I have a favourite video game company, WHICH SHALL NOT BE NAMED, but which has been working on the same game for the past 12 years. And they just closed down! / T-Rex: Without releasing the friggin' game! / T-Rex: I feel strong - feelings, Dromiceiomimus! I think it's some shock, some anger, but mostly disappointment! 12 years of a life is a long time. / Dromiceiomimus: It's your entire adult life! / T-Rex: And then some! I've been waiting for this game to come out for my entire adult life. Wow. / Utahraptor: There are worse things to happen that a video game not coming out, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Obviously! / T-Rex: But this COLOURS them all, you know? The food chain collapses, you can bet I'm gonna say "Man, this SUCKS!" But now i'm ALSO going to say, "Plus, my game never came out!!" / T-Rex: Friiiiig / Narrator: YEARS LATER: / T-Rex: Hey, my game eventually came out! FINALLY. Things are looking up! / Offscreen: On the other hand, you never talked to that woman at the bus stop 15 years ago. / T-Rex: Oh yeah! / T-Rex: Friiiiig
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1463
this comic was made for the comics festival book for free comic book day 2009! it was an all-ages book so t-rex's "heck no" line was altered from "FRIG, WHAT DO YOU FRIGGIN' THINK??" Narrator: THE STORY OF ROBIN HOOD / T-Rex: Robin Hood was a guy who lived in a forest with some of his chums. Guys, he made tree forts! / T-Rex: He ALSO stole form the rich and gave to the poor! / T-Rex: He made tree forts AND crimes. And the Sheriff of Nottingham didn't like this one bit! He was a good sheriff who believed in the rule of law and the court system. He took his job and his sheriff school degree very seriously and always did his best. He said, "Not only will I arrest Robin Hood for 'robbin' from rich people, but I will also sword fight him if he wants, and I will marry his girlfriend. I really hope that will teach him to obey the law!" / Utahraptor: Did it work? / T-Rex: HECK NO. / T-Rex: Robin's girlfriend didn't want to marry the Sheriff, and then to make matters worse, Robin Hood killed the Sheriff and his men! The Sheriff's last words were "I'm sorry I could never convince you, Robin, to work for positive change from within the system." / Utahraptor: What an amazing tale! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: DANG I got that all backwards
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1464
please nobody who reads my comic break up today!! okay sweet Narrator: T-REX SOLVES YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. / T-Rex: Hello everybody! If you stopped having relationships, maybe you'd stop having relationship problems! / T-Rex: Okay anyway! / T-Rex: Let's say you've got a problem with your partner: THAT SUCKS. But you two should talk about it, and if you can't reach a solution, resolution or compromise that's mutually satisfying and that you both believe will be acceptably implemented, then you should break up! It is a fail-proof algorithm for relationship satisfaction. Tada! / Utahraptor: So the relationship now hangs in the balance of every disagreement, no matter how small! / T-Rex: Of course not! / T-Rex: OBVIOUSLY, if you value the relationship and it's potential future more than the sum of this problem plus all previous problems, then you should stay together! I folded that into "mutually satisfying". / Utahraptor: Ah. / T-Rex: All relationship problems ever: TOTALLY SOLVED?? / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Dear audio diary: sometimes I worry that the only thing I'm not great at is modesty! / T-Rex: However! / T-Rex: These thoughts are, at best, infrequent
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1465
 
SPIDER-MAN! WILL!! DIE!!! T-Rex: A narrative hook is when you introduce a story with something incredible so your audience will keep reading! It happens when you're told that in this comic... SPIDER-MAN! WILL!! DIE!!! / Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS / Narrator: today's technique: / Narrator: NARRATIVE HOOK / T-Rex: Setting, themes, and basically anything else can ALSO be used as a narrative hook, but they're all pale imitations of Spider-Man's death being announced on the first friggin' page! Compare and contrast "As the bullet sped towards his eye, Neil wryly observed that things probably couldn't get any worse!" with "As the bullet sped towards his eye, Neil suddenly remembered that by the end of the chapter, Spider-Man! Will!! Die!!! The bullet sped closer." / Utahraptor: Yeah, but Spider-Man never dies! / T-Rex: That's what makes it such a great hook! / T-Rex: We know that, WORST CASE, Spider-Man will show up in the next issue and say "Hey did anyone miss me? I thought I was dead, but then I remembered I wasn't!" And yet we keep coming back for more! / Utahraptor: And that's great? / T-Rex: Yes! It's why the first sentence of ANY BOOK is improved by adding Spider-Man. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! / T-Rex: Hey Shakespeare, you know what's a better first line for "The Taming of the Shrew" than "I'll pheeze you, in faith"? / Shakespeare: no what / T-Rex: BASICALLY ANYTHING
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1466
turbellaria flatworms you better not be fighting in there! oh. oh my goodness. T-Rex: Turbellaria flatworms are hermaphroditic, with viable male AND female sex organs! / T-Rex: Pretty great, I know! / T-Rex: But because of this, when it comes to reproduction, who's gonna be the mother is up for debate. And it turns out that being pregnant is hard work! So these worms FIGHT IT OUT, and by "FIGHT IT OUT" I mean they pull out their dagger-like penises and try to stab sperm through the other's flesh. / Utahraptor: The loser gets pregnant first? / T-Rex: The loser gets pregnant first! / T-Rex: And it's called "penis fencing". Utahraptor, I can't get enough. / Utahraptor: In another reality, you could've had a PhD in penis fencing. / T-Rex: Frig, man! I sentence like that could make a fella feel like he's made some bad decisions! / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER REALITY: / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, it's called "penis fencing"! In another reality, I could have a PhD in penis fencing. / Dromiceiomimus: But you do, T-Rex! / T-Rex: UM OBVIOUSLY I MEANT A BETTER DEGREE FROM A MORE RESPECTABLE SCHOOL.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1467
QUANTUM EROTICA is not only a great concept, it's is also a great name for someone. feel free to use it and remember changing your name is only a matter of a few forms and a couple'a bucks T-Rex: Some people think pornography is bad, since when they see it they get offended and say "That's way too explicit. SHEESH!" With that in mind, I've come up with something special: pornography for them! But it's also - / T-Rex: Pornography for everyone! / T-Rex: Obviously, you can't control how explicit images are, since they're set. But, you CAN control how explicit text it, since any images there are imagined by the reader. So all you need to do is craft sexy fiction that relies on the reader generating any eroticism in the scene! That way, they only have themselves to blame if they imagine something they think is way too sexy. / Utahraptor: I'd like to see an example! / T-Rex: Of course! / T-Rex: Pat and Alex had some sort of relationship. One time they were expressing it physically - in a remarkable way! Their location: erotic. Upon seeing it a third party would likely say "How are they... wow. Just - wow." / Utahraptor: That's not very erotic. / T-Rex: You criticize only your own imagination! / T-Rex: Did you even NOTICE how I used names that work for both men and women? It is QUANTUM EROTICA, at once straight, lesbian, gay and other, which only collapses into one sexuality upon being observed by the reader! / T-Rex: Honestly! Sometimes I wonder how I'm not more famous!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1468
t-rex is wrong: a google search for "He's an A number one writer dude" returns zero results, with or without references to shakespeare. UNTIL NOW T-Rex: So folks say that Shakespeare was a pretty good writer, right? Everyone's all, "He's an A+ umber one writer dude"? / T-Rex: Right! / T-Rex: But I think a big part of this is that we're only familiar with his greatest works! If he'd lived TODAY, he might still have written Hamlet, but he also would have written tons of awful stuff: terrible blog posts, terrible comments on other people's blog posts, and so on. I think with all that crap, his reputation would be far less pristine. / Utahraptor: Actually Shakespeare did write some pretty terrible stuff, T-Rex! / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: Yeah, but the good stuff is so good that we overlook the bad! Dude wrote some bad sonnets, and no less than T. S. Eliot referred to his rarely-performed "Titus Andronicus" as "the worst play ever written". / T-Rex: Hah! That sounds like a challenge to me!! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: In retrospect, writing a play "worse than Shakespeare" wasn't a challenge at all! Perhaps I could have spent my time better than on composing "The Smelly Dog That Pooes: The Action Play" / T-Rex: - "With Real Poops".
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1469
t-rex is wrong: a google search for "He's an A number one writer dude" returns zero results, with or without references to shakespeare. UNTIL NOW T-Rex: So folks say that Shakespeare was a pretty good writer, right? Everyone's all, "He's an A+ umber one writer dude"? / T-Rex: Right! / T-Rex: But I think a big part of this is that we're only familiar with his greatest works! If he'd lived TODAY, he might still have written Hamlet, but he also would have written tons of awful stuff: terrible blog posts, terrible comments on other people's blog posts, and so on. I think with all that crap, his reputation would be far less pristine. / Utahraptor: Actually Shakespeare did write some pretty terrible stuff, T-Rex! / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: Yeah, but the good stuff is so good that we overlook the bad! Dude wrote some bad sonnets, and no less than T. S. Eliot referred to his rarely-performed "Titus Andronicus" as "the worst play ever written". / T-Rex: Hah! That sounds like a challenge to me!! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: In retrospect, writing a play "worse than Shakespeare" wasn't a challenge at all! Perhaps I could have spent my time better than on composing "The Smelly Dog That Pooes: The Action Play" / T-Rex: - "With Real Poops".
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1469
wrote this comic while listening to sound of water dripping and a door creaking, thought it was amazing music then realized it was hallowe'en sfx reel i downloaded last year and never used, living with no regrets T-Rex: Who gets to wake up this morning with nausea, dizziness, and an uncanny ability to feel physically terrible? / T-Rex: Oh boy! It's me, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Okay, so I am ready to evolve into an energy being now please! Or a machine intelligence! Or a distributed cloud of pure thought! My body has been great up to now but it's time to put away childish things, especially when this PARTICULAR childish thing has become diseased and wants to throw up its stomach contents. / T-Rex: ...Seriously ready to evolve any time now over here! / Utahraptor: Have you at least taken some medicine? / T-Rex: Nope! / Utahraptor: Ah, so your first instinct when sick is to claim a desire to evolve beyond the need for mortal bodies, rather than taking even a small step toward treatment. / T-Rex: Yep! / Utahraptor: I see. / T-Rex: If you're waiting for me to apologize, I won't! Maybe if more of us worked harder on evolving beyond the need for friggin' mortal bodies, WE WOULDN'T STILL HAVE A NEED FOR FRIGGIN' MORTAL BODIES?? / T-Rex: Anyway I'm off, I need to go drop a barf
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1470
 
okay so i have had that "man held prisoner by robots" image scanned and waiting since the week after i started dinosaur comics T-Rex: I had the craziest fever dream last night! / T-Rex: It was the craziest! / Dromiceiomimus: So what happened in your dream, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Well, I'm not sure I can put it into words, but I'm pretty sure it went a little something like this. / T-Rex: [picture] / Dromiceiomimus: Wow! Robots and all! / Utahraptor: That was poetry, T-Rex! Amazing! I've never heard such evocative words. / T-Rex: Thank you! / T-Rex: I can do more, you know. I've been practicing! Here are my thoughts, dear Utahraptor, on what your spirit looks like. From one beautiful soul to another, you know? / T-Rex: *ahem / T-Rex: [picture] / T-Rex: Wait! Wait, I can do this. / T-Rex: [picture] / T-Rex: Okay! Honestly not really sure what I just said there!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1471
LATER: t-rex's decides if he names his kid "t-rex jr." it will be pronounced "t-rex jay arr" and he will be the one that insists upon it T-Rex: If my parents had named me "Lord Britishface the Third", would I be a different person? / T-Rex: The answer is "I say, most certainly!" / T-Rex: A name sets up EXPECTATIONS. "T-Rex" says, "This awesome dude will probably be a great friend!" But Lord Britishface III says "Here is a man who will wear a monocle in his old age; surprise him, it may pop out comedically. He takes his tea by the Hamptonshire while reminiscing of the summers of his youth." And these expectations are set up not only in others, but in the child himself! / Utahraptor: I agree such a name might colour a child's life! / T-Rex: Excellent. Then it's settled! / Utahraptor: But I also know that you can't legally choose a name with military titles or other honourifics in it. The government won't accept it! / T-Rex: Man, whatever! I'll just legally name my kid "T-Rex Jr." and then refer to him exclusively as "Lord Britishface the Third"! / T-Rex: What's the government going to do? ARREST ME? / T-Rex: I'd really like to see them try! / T-Rex: ...to ignore my provocation and leave me alone, that is!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1472
"ryan north died today. he was the guy who put the words in the dinosaur mouths. man, remember them?" God: T-REX WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR OBITUARY TO SAY / T-Rex: I've already come up with the perfect one! / T-Rex: "T-Rex died today while saving a busload of baby orphans... FROM THE JOKER." / T-Rex: And it has to have the caps like that too. Ooh! Or it could read "In today's obituary we focus on T-Rex, one of the greatest men to ever rip open his shirt by flexing his pectoral muscles, and one of the only men to save the city by doing so. / Dromiceiomimus: You seem to be big on going out by saving people! / T-Rex: It ensures a good write up, Dromiceiomimus! / Utahraptor: You're not a fan of "T-Rex died today after being really old for a while"? / T-Rex: Man, that's the worst! / T-Rex: If I've got to die, I'd rather it's from being too awesome than being too old, you know? I want my obit to tell a story that doesn't end with "and then his body decined until it stopped working entirely, the end." / Utahraptor: I can see the appeal in having a good solid sending! / God: SO UM / God: YOU WOULDN"T BE HAPPY IF IT READS "T-REX DIED THE WAY HE LIVED: ON IMPACT" / T-Rex: Hah! / T-Rex: No no, that one is entirely great too!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1473
later on t-rex is like, whatever man, my neck flaps look awesome, screw all the hatahs T-Rex: Who is getting a little tubby? Me. I am getting a little tubby. / T-Rex: I've got neck flaps! / T-Rex: Time for me to start counting my friggin' calories! / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, do you actually know what a calorie is? It's just, sometimes people use the phrase without actually knowing what they're saying. / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, please. Of course I know what a calorie is! / T-Rex: It's a measurement of h- how fat you'll get? / Utahraptor: It's a measurement of food energy, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Excellent! Um, how much energy? / Utahraptor: The amount needed to heat one kilogram of water by one degree Celcius. And the suggested diet has a daily calorie level of around 2000. / T-Rex: So my energy needs are equivalent to slightly heating 2000 litres of water. That's, what - a big bathtub or an extremely tiny pool? / T-Rex: Well! At least I now know that, EVERY DAY, we can each look ourselves in the mirror and ask, "Are the sum total of my accomplishments today greater than a slightly heated giant bathtub?" / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: *sigh*
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1474
some readers get a double dose of raggin' on fahrenheit. thanks sam for inspiring this comic! T-Rex: Celsius is way better than Fahrenheit! Celsius puts zero at the point where water freezes, and 100 at the point where it boils. That's handy! Water's EVERYWHERE, man. / T-Rex: If you're ever trapped in the past you can recreate Celsius, no problem! / T-Rex: But Fahrenheit? FAHRENHEIT is based on the temperature of brine for zero and the temperature of some eponymous dude's armpit for - 96 degrees? They should've called it "Armpits! The Temperature Scale". / Dromiceiomimus: Fahrenheit DOES ensure there's no negative numbers when dealing with commonly-encountered temperatures. / T-Rex: Oh, boo hoo! So does Kelvin, and that's BASICALLY Celsius anyway! / Utahraptor: I think all this underscores how arbitrary these systems of measurement are! / T-Rex: What? How? / Utahraptor: You're always just picking two temperatures and dividing the space between up into arbitrary degrees! We could just as easily be dealing with the freezing and boiling points of a 50/50 mixture of champagne and caviar, say. / T-Rex: ...Oh My God. / T-Rex: YES. / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The Classiness Scale. Degrees are easily measured in "PC", or "degrees pure class"! / [[off-panel]]: So you'd say that it's what... 20 degrees of Pure Class out today? / T-Rex: You would, my friend! You would indeed.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1475
 
cetirizine hydrochloride works well at minimizing the symptoms of being incapacitated by the sperm cells of plants, PRO TIP T-Rex: Man, how come I'M the one who always get the same cold in spring? Darn this runny nose! This sneezing! And these itchy, watery eyes! / God: SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE GOT ALLERGIES T-REX / T-Rex: Nuh-uh! / T-Rex: I just have the SYMPTOMS. It's this stupid cold I keep getting. Um, every spring. / Dromiceiomimus: It sounds like you've got allergies, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I don't! It's honestly just a stupid cold; one which, FOR WHATEVER REASON, responds well to allergy treatments! I'm tough! / Utahraptor: It doesn't make you "weak" to have allergies, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Oh, no, of course not! / T-Rex: Being incapacitated by the sperm cells of plants? Super tough! And nothing's manlier than dripping mucus all over yourself! / Utahraptor: I do actually think that's pretty manly. / T-Rex: Okay, yeah, upon reflection my idea of manliness ALSO involves being way too tough for hygiene. / Narrator: T-REX'S MANLIEST MAN: / T-Rex: A steel worker lumberjack, skin shiny with sweat and mucus, wastin' food with one hand and high fiving three woman at once with the other! / T-Rex: ... It sounds weird when I say it out loud.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1476
this comic at one point was about t-rex's womanliest woman, the venus to his mars, the muliebrity to his virility GOD: T-REX HOW COME YOUR IDEA OF ULTIMATE MANLINESS INVOLVES HIGH FIVING THREE WOMEN AT ONCE / T-Rex: I dunno. Probably because it's awesome! / T-Rex: As the saying goes, "three women are trice as nice"! / GOD: OKAY YEAH PROBABLY BUT IT SEEMS LIKE YOU EQUATE MANLINESS WITH POLYAMORY AND I FIND THAT REALLY INTERESTING / T-Rex: Oh, with high fives standing in for sex? It's not THAT interesting. Our culture equates virility with manliness, and so, hey presto, someone who can get more people pregnant is manlier! It's super dumb because getting someone pregnant isn't difficult! People do it accidentally ALL THE TIME. / Utahraptor: I really don't see this "pregnancies induced equals manliness" connection! / T-Rex: Really? / Utahraptor: Yes really. I don't see the paragon of manhood as being able to successfully deliver sperm to the most eggs. It's a very literally biological view of manliness, you know? I think we as a gender can aim higher. / T-Rex: Fine. Utahraptor, what's your manliness man then? / Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR'S MANLIEST MAN: / Utahraptor: Someone who is able to lead well, but also is able to admit and correct their mistakes. / T-Rex: weaaaaaaaak / Utahraptor: Also someone who doesn't heckle their friends when he disagrees. / T-Rex: That's not meeeeeee
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1477
i am not intending to produce this t-shirt for i know, in my heart of hearts, that none of my readers are ACTUALLY mama's suckiest boys T-Rex: Oh my goodness, is my absolute favourite weather TRULY the high winds just before a storm? / T-Rex: I have considered the matter and my answer is this: / T-Rex: Most assuredly! / T-Rex: The wind is awesome. So awesome! You can stand on the edge of a cliff, leaves swirling around you, staring out in the wind - into DESTINY - and it's just great. Everything feels dramatic and apocalyptic and awesome. It's WAY better than trying to stare out into destiny during a snow storm, believe you me! / Utahraptor: So your favourite weather is: wind. / T-Rex: Yes! / Utahraptor: That's it? No great insight, no perspective beyond "I like it when it's windy"? / T-Rex: Yep! I really like it though. Anyway, what's your favourite weather? Hail? TORNADOES? / Utahraptor: I don't know - sunny, with a chance of clouds? / T-Rex: Wow! Your coolometer level just dropped from "pretty okay" to "striped mesh t-shirt that reads 'Mama's Suckiest Boy'"! / Utahraptor: I'm cool with that! / T-Rex: Utahraptor! / T-Rex: You're really not!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1478
feelin' bad about the limitations of my non-super tear ducts :~( God: T-REX HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT YOUR LIFE WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU HAD SUPER POWERS / T-Rex: Frig! I am now!! / [[t-rex begins imagining]] / T-Rex: Please excuse me, Dromiceiomimus! I'm off to save some citizens. AS YOU KNOW, I have super strength. / Dromiceiomimus: Yep! But don't worry about it, I already saved 'em all. As you know, I have super strength AND super speed. / T-Rex: Ah yes. / T-Rex: How could I have forgotten / T-Rex: I can at least save this woman from the damaging UV rays of the noonday sun! / Utahraptor: Got it covered! / Utahraptor: I already used my "sunscreen vision" to cover her in SPF 50. She'll be fine for up to 50 times her normal exposure tolerance. / T-Rex: Your super power is shooting sunscreen out of your eyes. / Utahraptor: What do yours do? Dribble out salty water, but only when you're sad? / God: T-REX YOUR FANTASY LIFE IS FILLED WITH CONFLICT AND ALSO DISTURBING IMAGERY / T-Rex: Man!! / T-Rex: I know it
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1479
my fare lay dee T-Rex: You know that story where a classy guy takes a not-so-classy lady and then makes her classy? / God: PYGMALION / T-Rex: My Fair Lady, yeah! / T-Rex: I think it's time for some My Fair Lady sequels! / T-Rex: Like one where the lady from the first story takes a not-so-classy guy and sculpts HIM into total class! / Dromiceiomimus: That's a bit obvious for a sequel, don't you think? / T-Rex: Okay, so we mix it up some! The lady takes a not-so-classy guy and turns him into a classy LADY! Whoah, what just happened! I know I'M intrigued! / Utahraptor: Why not write your own story? / T-Rex: That's what I'm doing! / T-Rex: The story of a not-so-classy person who becomes classy and then has some problems - it's as old as time, man! I'm riffing on the themes that have obsessed our culture since forever or at least since the 1900s. / Utahraptor: That's not a bad point. Okay! I look forward to seeing what you come up with! / Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: / T-Rex: Utahraptor! All I've come up with is the name of the dude for when he becomes a classy lady: Professorita Henrietta Higginsfem! / T-Rex: I'll tell you one thing! / T-Rex: Writing is hard, but THAT is an excellent start!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1480
 

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