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i used "hakeem" so that all the hakeems in the audience will be startled!! T-Rex: Animals sometimes have names that share the first letter of their species. Tony the Tiger, Katy the Kangaroo, Ernie the Elephant, and so on. Ridiculous! But just as ridiculous... / T-Rex: ...as every human being who has a name that starts with "H"!! / T-Rex: I had this realization just now so I haven't done much with it, but I do hope I meet a Hakeem soon so I can exclusively refer to him as "Hakeem the Human", over and over and over again! HILARIOUS. / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex the T.rex? / T-Rex: That - that doesn't work as well. / Utahraptor: It seems we're all pretty vulnerable to this crticism, huh? / T-Rex: APPARENTLY. / T-Rex: Utahraptor the Utahraptor. How'd you get such a name? / Utahraptor: My parents gave it to me T-Rex the Tyrannosauroid. / T-Rex: Okay. Sinve we've ALL apparently got stupid names, let's just promise never to mention this again. / Utahraptor: Deal! / God: DEAL / T-Rex: But your names' not stupid, God! / God: UM HELLO. I'M GOD THE GOD. / God: PEOPLE SAY HUH MAYBE I'LL PRAY TO GOD THE GOD TODAY / God: AND I SAY / God: MAAAAAN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1513
we say "let's party!!" all the time, it is time to admit it T-Rex: We say "Let's Party!!" all the time, but when we say "Let us Party!!" it sounds hella formal! / T-Rex: "Let's" is a crazy contraction, you guys! / T-Rex: Other contractions sound a little formal when uncontracted ("You will definitely love this" versus, "You'll definitely love this"), but "let's" is INSANE! "Dudes! Let us now gobble these sausages!" Are we KINGS AND PRINCES? In summary and in conclusion, "let's" is contracted so RELIABLY that it seems like a big affectation to use "let us" as separate words. / Utahraptor: So let us break that association by no longer contracting it! / T-Rex: Let us see how that goes, Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: I think that this has been successful so far. Let us continue this experiment! / T-Rex: Let us! Incidentally, my favourite Salt-N-Pepa song is "Let Us Talk About Sex". / Utahraptor: Let us listen to it right now! / Salt-N-Pepa: Let us talk about sex, baby / Let us talk about you and me / Let us talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be / Let us talk about sex / T-Rex: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HOW'D THEY KNOW WHAT WE WERE DOING i'VE HAD THAT TAPE FOR TEN YEARS OH MY GOD
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1514
thank you, 19-minute version of "lady madonna" by the rose hill junior high school jazz ensemble, for giving me something to listen to a few times while i wrote this here internet comic T-Rex: It's safe to eat chalk, right? Probably? / T-Rex: Probably it's safe to eat chalk? / T-Rex: Let us totally assume that it's safe to eat chalk!! / T-Rex: And seriously, if it's not safe to eat chalk then it's DEFINITELY safe to eat sawdust. And even if it's not, there's got to be things that'll pass through you ENTIRELY UNDIGESTED but that also won't cause any harm when you gobble them! / T-Rex: Guys! We should be making food out of these things! / Utahraptor: Another weight-loss scheme? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, this one's perfect though! / T-Rex: You'll be able to eat all you want and get that great "I'm so full, you guys" feeling, but never gain any weight! / Utahraptor: Ah, yes, that coveted "I'm so full of chalk and sawdust, you guys" feeling. / T-Rex: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it! / Narrator: T-REX TRIES IT / T-Rex: bleh
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1515
how could i mention "teri hatcher" and not mention dean "sugar" cain, who starred as superman? um obviously i couldn't! oh, sugar cain. T-Rex: Hey, you graduated high school! Super. / T-Rex: Why haven't you got a university degree yet? / T-Rex: You say you've got several, all the way up to a PhD? Neat! Only, how come you haven't published more papers? You have? How come you don't have honourary degrees? You do! But how come yours isn't a household name? If you're so great, WHY IS ANYTHING STILL LEFT UNEXPLAINED?? / Dromiceiomimus: No matter what you do, there's always something more you could have done, and more you could have achieved? / T-Rex: Exactly! / Utahraptor: This isn't a bad thing, T-Rex! / T-Rex: It sure is! / T-Rex: I can't ever say "There, I've accomplished all that I could." Things just level up to new challenges! / Utahraptor: Sure, but it also means that there's no limit to your horizons, that the future can always promise more than the present, and that you'll never run out of things to learn. / Narrator: MANY YEARS LATER: / T-Rex: Utahraptor, remember when you said I'd "never run out of things to learn about Teri Hatcher"? / Utahraptor: What? I never said "Teri Hatcher"! I meant knowledge in general. / T-Rex: R- Really? / T-Rex: Okay well either way you were totally right!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1516
i can hear jenn is downstairs watching a morning show on tv and i'll tell you this: i could do a better morning show, an sleepy dog could do a better job. in fact, that's an awesome idea, let's have morning shows that are just shorts of puppies yawning a T-Rex: People's last words are sometimes awesome. It's a thing: if they get the chance to, folks choose them carefully! In contrast, people's first words are usually boring, similar AND similarly boring! / T-Rex: We need to start recording people's middle words! / T-Rex: I'd love to know what my middle sentence is: the one right between my first "mama" or "dada" and my final "I confess, old bean, I never cared for durian". It might be revealing! / Dromiceiomimus: You'd have to be dead though. / T-Rex: Or I could just take a vow of silence until I die! / Utahraptor: You'd also need total surveillance recording your every utterance! / T-Rex: Well, OBVIOUSLY. / Utahraptor: But this sentence is just gonna be something random anyway. Why not choose a random sentence from your diary and avoid, um, THE NEED TO LIVE IN A SURVELLIANCE STATE THAT RECORDS EVERY SINGLE SPEECH ACT? / T-Rex: Why not? Why not? I'll tell you why not!! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Utahraptor? / Utahraptor: Yes, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Listen, I still really value our friendship
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1517
 
by my calculations, even a randomly-chosen predictive bet is 99.999% more likely to turn out to be true in the year 2019 than t-rex's Dialup Boner Euphemism T-Rex: Sometimes people who disagree on the future will make a public bet: I bet the ice caps will melt in 10 years, you disagree, and we go public, each betting $1000 on the outcome! / T-Rex: This, my friends, is awesome! / T-Rex: One of us will win not only $1000 dollars of PURE PROFIT, but also the pride of having been totally right for a whole decade! And the bet ties this elastic band between you and the other party: no matter how far apart you travel, you'll be snapped back together again years later for this - this SETTLING OF ACCOUNTS. I think that's special. I think that's awesome! / Utahraptor: So let's make one of these bets! / T-Rex: Yes PLEASE Utahraptor! You're on! / T-Rex: Okay! I bet that in ten years um... people will OFTEN refer to sex as "connecting via dialup to boner central". / Utahraptor: You're ON. Thanks for the $1000! / T-Rex: Awesome!! You're going to lose, by the way! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: I should've bet that, in ten years, he'd win the bet.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1518
you may not like this comic, but your kids are gonna love it. IF YOU BRING THEM UP RIGHT T-Rex: If I get married, we have to play "Earth Angel" as the first dance, okay? / T-Rex: You guys! It'll be amazing!! / Dromiceiomimus: That's that climactic slow dance from Back to the Future, right? Why do you like it? / T-Rex: Oh! It's - romantic? I, um - I like how he says he will love the eponymous earth angel forever and ALSO ever more. / Dromiceiomimus: And what if "Johnny B. Goode" was played as the next song? / T-Rex: THAT would be entirely awesome! / Utahraptor: Ha! You don't want to get married. You want to go to a dance played by Marty McFly! / T-Rex: Man, whatever! / T-Rex: I've been to like two weddings in my life, but I've seen them portrayed in media thousands of times! Is it SO WRONG to incorporate elements of these media portrayals into my own expectations?? / Utahraptor: I guess not, except for the fact that the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance is a HIGH SCHOOL BALL and not a wedding! / T-Rex: Hello?? Marty's parents share a relationship-making kiss at that dance! The parallels are TOTALLY OBVIOUS. / T-Rex: I'll say it again: if I had one wish, it'd be "Tell me how long it's going to take until everyone realizes they should never argue with me about Back to the Future".
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1519
they are the wipes that mime the hand of a clock passing a full cycle. they're - they're the best wipe. star wipes are for chumps T-Rex: I am a sensible guy who does sensible things. My favourite expression is "Fellows! Let us be SENSIBLE." However! / T-Rex: I am not all guys! / T-Rex: Some guys wake up in the morning, and they're crazy. They don't know how many men they'll punch that day. They write in their diary and say, "Dear Diary, anything could happen today." Then they pause thoughtfully, adding "I don't even know." Some guys get to wake up in minimum-security holding cells, laughing. Some guys get to think about it when you ask them what city they lived in last year! / Utahraptor: The romance of the rebel? / T-Rex: A little, I guess! / Utahraptor: Well if it's any consolation, you're not THAT sensible. You've done tons of crazy things! You just THINK you're sensible because you always did them for reasons you believed were rational. / T-Rex: That's exactly it: I never surprise myself! When will I do crazy things? When will I wake up in jail and laugh? / T-Rex: Hah! It would be awesome if there was a clock wipe right now, cutting to me three minutes later, behind bars and shouting "I believe there's nothing particularly funny about my new circumstances!" / Off Panel: Not really
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1520
three worse reasons for donating sperm than the sense of mystery: "i was told there would be pizza", "my freezer at home is just about full", "well, the apartment's already rotten with the stuff anyway" T-Rex: Guys, it's not hard to stay fully unknowable even to yourself. There's an easy way to go through life and still have mysteries. All you have to do is... / T-Rex: ...donate some friggin' sperm! / T-Rex: Find a program where they don't inform you when your sperm is used, and you're done! From now on, you'll NEVER KNOW if you've got a particular descendant - a child! - running around. People will say, "Hey, do you have any biological descendants?" and you'll be able to say "Man, WHO KNOWS??" Plus, you've done it all without the hassle of unplanned pregnancies! / Utahraptor: And this is appealing, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Oh yes! Entirely. / T-Rex: Wouldn't you love to be able to imagine every stranger of a certain age as your child? Utahraptor, it's a guaranteed sense of wonder for the rest of your life! / Utahraptor: That's sort of cool, actually. / T-Rex: I know! And it's all thanks to sperm! / God: T-REX DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES YOU'VE OFFERED "DONATE SOME FRIGGIN' SPERM" AS A SOLUTION TO AN APPARENTLY INSOLUBLE PROBLEM / T-Rex: Sixteen times? / God: THAT IS / God: AMAZINGLY / God: PRECISELY CORRECT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1521
followers on my ryanqnorth twitter account already know that i would buy "horse game 64"; now they know t-rex would buy it too. THE JOYS OF TWITTER T-Rex: Why do we say "rest in peace"? Is it just for the "rest in pieces" pun we can make when we explode someone? / T-Rex: Because if so, I approve 100%! / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING / T-Rex: Why do we say "rest in peace"? Is it just- / Utahraptor: It comes from Latin! / Utahraptor: It's a prayer, "reuiescat in pace", which also works in English with about the same meaning: rest in peace. It comes from the Christian tradition, which at various points and to various people has held that there is a time of "soul sleep" after death but before judgment. / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING: / T-Rex:Dudes!! / T-Rex:If they made "Horse Game 64", I would TOTALLY buy that game! / Narrator: ALTERNATE WHOLE THING ACTUALLY
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1522
 
this comic allows you to almost pinpoint the point where the "let us" experiment ended for t-rex God: HEY T-REX DO YOU BELIEVE MONEY MAKES PEOPLE HAPPIER / T-Rex: Let's discuss! / T-Rex: I think it's clear that at some income levels, money DOES buy happiness! / T-Rex: If you can't afford to eat or buy diapers for your child and then you can, that money will make you happy and have obviously bought you happiness! / Dromiceiomimus: On the other hand, some lottery winners are less happy a few years after winning than they were before! / T-Rex: Mo' money CAN, apparently, indeed lead to mo' problems. / T-Rex: So let us say money can buy happiness, assuming it's not received all at once. / Utahraptor: But billionaires aren't uniformly jolly! / T-Rex: That's true. Okay, so clearly there's a function where money buys happiness with less efficiency as happiness increases. / Utahraptor: That implies giving a depressed dude a few bucks will cheer him right up. / T-Rex: Heck, maybe it does! Let's find a depressed dude and find out! / God: T-REX I WAS JUST MAKING CONVERSATION / T-Rex: Oh! / God: THERE'S NO NEED TO DO SCIENCE ON DEPRESSED DUDES / T-Rex: ...oh. / God: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY THAT MORE THAN ONCE YOU KNOW / T-Rex: I said "oh"!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1523
this is also my theory on webcomics: webcomics help to show people who don't like comics that the medium isn't just batman and archie and newspaper strips! GO TEAM COMICS ON THE INTERNET. ALSO I LIKE BATMAN; FURTHER, JUGHEAD CERTAINLY HAS HIS MOMENTS Devil: MMM GREETINGS T-REX WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS ON THE RISE OF CASUAL GAMING / T-Rex: Nobody should be excluded from games just because they can't afford a cummerbund, top hat, and pince-nez! / Devil: I WAS CLEARLY REFERRING TO SIMPLER VIDEO GAMES BUILT FOR A CASUAL AUDIENCE / T-Rex: Ah! / Devil: ON ONE HAND THESE GAMES APPEAL TO THOSE OUTSIDE THE STANDARD GAMING DEMOGRAPHIC AND THUS SERVE TO BROADEN THE APPEAL OF THE MEDIUM AND DISPEL SOME NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES ABOUT THOSE WHO PARTAKE OF ELECTRONIC ENTERTAINMENT / Devil: ON THE OTHER HAND THE CASUAL MARKET IS SO BIG THAT IT MAY ENCOURAGE FRANCHISES THAT I ENJOY TO BECOME MORE CASUAL FRIENDLY AND THIS OFTEN UNFORTUNATELY MEANS MORE SHALLOW / T-Rex: I really haven't thought about industry ramifications of casual gaming that much! / Utahraptor: Me neither! / T-Rex: No, I - I was talking to the Devil. He's concerned that casual gaming could eclipse the parts of the market he identifies with. / Utahraptor: Well you tell him that more people playing games means fewer people looking down on gamers! / T-Rex: Man, it'd be easier for me if others could hear you too! / Devil: AND IT'D BE EASIER FOR ME T-REX IF I COULD CONVERSE WITH SHIGERU MIYAMOTO / Devil: HOWEVER / Devil: HE WILL NOT BE BORN FOR 65 MILLION YEARS BECAUSE WE ARE IN THE PAST REMEMBER
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1524
LET'S GO HAVE SOME INTELLIGENT FRIGGIN' BABIES! LATER ON ONE OF THEM MIGHT BLOW UP A ROCK IN SPACE T-Rex: Guys! There's a VOLUNTARY EXTINCTION movement. If we can decide to all stop havin' babies, then we can choose to go extinct!! / T-Rex: It probably sounded like a good idea at the time? / T-Rex: Then again, our actions, as a people, HAVE been responsible for untold thousands of involuntary extinctions around the world - which could all be avoided in the future by voluntarily offering ourselves up instead! The final generation gets to spend everyone's life savings and throw a totally wicked part, and the last one out turns off the lights. The end! / Utahraptor: You sound like you're actually convincing yourself that this is a good idea! / T-Rex: I am, a little! / Utahraptor: Okay, but one could argue that the intelligent life we represent is something that could be ENTIRELY UNIQUE in the Universe. That's worth preserving! / T-Rex: Yeah, maybe. I think I still need some more convincing. / Utahraptor: *sigh* / Utahraptor: ...Fine. / Utahraptor: We shouldn't choose to go extinct because if an asteroid threatens the planet, we're the only ones with enough science to blow it up. / T-Rex: !! / T-Rex: HECK YES
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1525
i got opinions, i still got opinions T-Rex: Some words are special, reserved for only the worst situations, and as such carry weight when we dare to use them! / T-Rex: Some words have MEANING, cats and kittens! / T-Rex: And because of this I cringe when someone says a test RAPED them, or that a movie was so terrible it RAPED the excellent book it was based on. Being raped is totally way worse than failing a test! / Dromiceiomimus: "Being raped is totally way worse than failing a test." / T-Rex: What? It's FACTUAL! People need to know! / Utahraptor: You're walking on dangerous land, T-Rex! / T-Rex: I know that folks got opinions about rape! I'm one of 'em! / T-Rex: But MY opinions are about usage. Let us eschew all this metaphorical rape and only talk about LITERAL rape, okay?? / Utahraptor: So, um, when you look back on this, I hope you realize that the reason I left is your phrase "let us... talk about LITERAL rape, okay??". / God: SOMETIMES LIFE IS HARD FOR YOU ISN'T IT T-REX / T-Rex: Only when my friends quote me in a misleading fashion!! / T-Rex: ...Oh wait nevermind it's hard at other times too
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1526
this hypothetical book of quotations only serves to underline the importance of a trained and qualified proofreader. or a backspace key T-Rex: Okay, time to get myself into some of them books of quotations! / T-Rex: Hah! I mean, "some of THOSE books of quotations"! / T-Rex: So here's some quotable quotes for you, Dromiceiomimus! "Failure is just success rounded down", "I enjoy friendly good times", and "Whom is responsible for all these hards on?". Perhaps you'd like to compile them into a volume? / Dromiceiomimus: Hey, imagine if the only quotation that survived from you was "Time to get myself into some of them quote books"? / T-Rex: I choose not to! / Utahraptor: Yeah man, maybe all that survives from you is that quote! / T-Rex: It's not even accurate!! / Utahraptor: Years in the future, folks will try to reconstruct you from those few words. "Who was 'T-Rex'? We know of his interest in 'them quote books' [sic], and we can assume he found demonstrative pronouns a challenge." / T-Rex: "Ignore that last bit! I meant to write that we know T-Rex was awesome and I wish I were like him." / Off Panel: "Anyway it's really too bad he couldn't talk well!" / T-Rex: "Hold on, I meant to write that he COULD! For more TRUE FACTS, turn to page 45." / Off Panel: "Astute readers will note this book only goes to page 40." / T-Rex: "Screw you, dude! Attention readers! Only read the good sentences!!"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1527
 
a better example would be the rollover from 1999 to 2000 but people got worked up about that one too, so let us Wisely Keep Our Pie Holes Shut about it T-Rex: According to the Mayan calendar, the world will end in 2012! / T-Rex: The Mayans tried to warn us!! / T-Rex: Oh SHIIII- / Dromiceiomimus: According to the calendar in my computer, the world began on January 1st, 1970 at very the stroke of midnight!! It's impossible to make it go back earlier, and every moment is measured by the number of seconds since that one incredibly significant date! History is a lie! Unix software developers tried to warn us!! / T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Oh SHIIII- / Utahraptor: According to the calendar on my desk- / T-Rex: Yes? / Utahraptor: The world began on January 1st of this very year, and will end no more than 365 days later! The calendar is only 365 date-bearing pages dates thick and I've counted three times! The Page-A-Day publishing house tried to warn us! / T-Rex and Utahraptor: Oh SHIIII- / off-screen: The Mayan Long Count calendar you're discussing doesn't end in our year 2012, it just rolls over to a new digit, much like the year 1 BC rolled over to 1 AD. / T-Rex: WHILE FACTUAL, THAT'S NOT A GREAT EXAMPLE BECAUSE THE GREGORIAN CALENDAR WASN'T ACTUALLY IN PLACE FOR THAT ROLLOVERRRRR
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1528
if you re-read the comic again with "girlfriend" you will see that t-rex has had a great dating history. no regrets! T-Rex: I will, one day, have the best breakfast of my entire life. / T-Rex: It is inarguably so! / T-Rex: Arrange all of my breakfasts from worst to best, and one's going to come out on top. I believe there are easily enough variables involved in breakfast that if you look closely enough, you can break any ties! One breakfast will be best. And what kills me is I'll probably not even notice it! / Utahraptor: How do you figure that? / T-Rex: Most breakfast are pretty great! EVEN THE JUST OKAY ONES. / T-Rex: It's unlikely my best breakfast will be so amazingly different enough from a regular breakfast that I'd notice it. That's sad, isn't it? That in a lifetime of breakfasts, the best one should pass unnoticed? / Utahraptor: I - I guess? / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE INSTEAD OF SAYING "BREAKFAST", T-REX SAID "GIRLFRIEND": / T-Rex: There are easily enough variables involved in girlfriend! / (Off-screen): Interesting
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1529
if by "kinda sucky at the best of times" t-rex means "kinda sensual under very particular, controlled circumstances" T-Rex: Going to the dentist means lying down and baring your teeth and paying a stranger to scrape at them: kinda sucky at the best of times. But then I realized! / T-Rex: Dentists are totally CYBERNETICISTS. / T-Rex: I know, Dromiceiomimus, I was skeptical of myself too! But teeth naturally accumulate plaque and decay. Dentists apply technology to biological life (me!) to upgrade my smile and stop biological decline! Isn't that what cyberneticists do?? / Dromiceiomimus: Cyberneticists study the structure of regulatory systems. / T-Rex: Honestly I don't know what you feel that brings to the conversation. / Utahraptor: Doesn't technology have to be implanted to make you a cyborg? / T-Rex: They implant fillings! / T-Rex: Dentists are cyberneticists that operate with metal scrapers instead of experimental medical contraband, and the result is cleaner teeth instead of glowing red pupils. / Utahraptor: I suppose! / T-Rex: I've bribed cyberneticists to ply their trade and enhance my fragile mortal body!! / T-Rex: [[tooth sparkle]]
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1530
This theory is called "panspermia"! T-Rex: Certain bacteria may be able to survive a long trip in space, and there's a theory that life on OUR VERY PLANET was seeded by such space-born organic materials. / T-Rex: This theory is called "panspermia"! / T-Rex: HILARIOUS. / Dromiceiomimus: Undermining serious work into the origins of life on our planet, I see. / T-Rex: I'm not! / T-Rex: They're undermining it by choosing such hilarious names! You know what it's called if you think the organic life is sent out on purpose by aliens? / Dromiceiomimus: No. / T-Rex: DIRECTED PANSPERMIA. That doesn't sound like the origin of life on earth! That sounds like a CRAZY FRIDAY NIGHT. / Dromiceiomimus: "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"! / T-Rex: Nobody's smelling roses called Flower of Sperm Directed Onto Everything Ever"! / T-Rex: ...Okay, listen, maybe they'd smell them ONCE.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1531
utahraptor is assuming t-rex may occasionally think of him as "an orange man"; it seems a fair assumption Narrator: EPISTEMOLOGY COMICS / T-Rex: If I say "Guys, I know I'm rad", what am I saying? What does it actually mean to KNOW something? Philosophers have struggled with this for ages! / T-Rex: Luckily, the answer is super easy and they should have come up with it sooner! / T-Rex: Knowledge of anything, radness included, comes about if three conditions are met: that this thing is true, that I believe it to be true, and that I have a JUSTIFIED cause for this belief! Perhaps my justification of radness is that I've been shot out of a cannon onto a motorbike, which is extremely rad. When these three conditions are met, then I've got what's called a Justified True Belief, and that, my friends, is what knowledge is! / Utahraptor: Okay, so we're hanging out, and I say "T-Rex, I'm gonna go nap in your bed." / T-Rex: I say, "Dude, feel free!" / Utahraptor: However, once in your room I startle a sleepy murderer, who without alarming you, quietly murders me, stuffs me in the closet, and then goes back to nappy times - in your bed!! A few minutes later you say, "Nice. An orange dude is sleeping in my bed." Clearly, this is justified, and it may even be true. / Utahraptor: But only if the murderer was orange! Don't you see? It's sheer luck that this murderer was coloured to make your belief true. Are you really going to call random chance "knowledge"? / T-Rex: Utahraptor!! / T-Rex: Please don't get murdered in my bedroom, Utahraptor
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1532
 
just ran all these queries and am now relieved to be so innocent T-Rex: A person's activity is often used by law enforcement when pursuing a conviction! Facebook posts, Twitter updates and Google searches for "how to murder the sucky neighbour" have all been used as evidence of intentful wrongdoing. / T-Rex: I can totally use this to my advantage! / T-Rex: AS SUCH, I've recently done tons of Google searches for "how to avoid breaking laws", "i love being not guilty", "how to be an EVEN MORE innocent dude", and "how to avoid crime because, not unlike Batman himself, I too hate crime". / Dromiceiomimus: There's nothing like a Twitter post that says "Definitely not planniny any crimes ever! #seriouslyyouguys" / T-Rex: Nothing!! / T-Rex: Now if I'm ever accused of wrongdoing, any investigation will reveal these posts and my extreme innocence! / Utahraptor: Really? / Utahraptor: You're not worried how suspicious it is for someone to be SO CONCERNED with appearing innocent? / T-Rex: Man, there's nothing illegal about being big into innocence! Besides, Utahraptor, I'M not the one who looked up "how to frame T-Rex for future criminal activities??" on my home computer. / T-Rex: ...I looked it up on yours. / T-Rex: But friends forever, right? / T-Rex: That's binding, right?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1533
Here Lies T-Rex: He's Dead, But That Doesn't Mean You Should Make Fun Of Him. T-Rex: Time for some more epitaphs, bitches! / God: I'M NOT BITCHES / T-Rex: Time for some more epitaphs, everyone!! / T-Rex: Here Lies T-Rex: Hey I Bet He's Still Wicked Handsome! / God: HERE LIES T-REX HE WAS MORTAL SO THEN HE DIED / T-Rex: Depressing! / Dromiceiomimus: "Here Lies T-Rex: He Never Stopped Saying "Frig" / Even If He Stopped Saying Other Words". / T-Rex: BAD. ASS. / Utahraptor: Here lies T-Rex: He lived his life well / and tried to understand. / T-Rex: Boooring! / T-Rex: Epitaphs need to grab the attention of passers by, Utahraptor - you're competing with EVERYONE ELSE who's ever died! / Utahraptor: Here Lies T-Rex: His Heart Was Punched Out Of His Chest By A Robot, But Then Wind Blew His Heart Into The Robot's Face And The Robot Said, "Error, Oh Man, Gross". / T-Rex: Niiiiiice. I also would have accepted "Here Lies T-Rex: He Tried To Eat One Of Every Animal; Hopefully That Counts For Something!" / T-Rex: Because. . . hopefully it does, you know?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1534
if ANY ONE of these predictions fails to come true before the final heat death of the universe, i will PERSONALLY buy each of my readers a doughnut. T-Rex: Guys, it's totally easy to predict the future. Observe: IN THE FUTURE, the general public will be given ample opportunities to purchase the solid gold hits of this, our current decade! / Narrator: THE FUTURE, YOU GUYS / Dromiceiomimus: IN THE FUTURE, portrayals by others of our shared past will infringe upon our memories of it, and people born after our time will only understand it through the shorthand aspects of cultural consensus found in the media. / T-Rex: Just like how everyone in the 20s was a flapper!! / Dromiceiomimus: Exactly! / Utahraptor: IN THE FUTURE, our actions and beliefs will be evaluated by standards we didn't have! / T-Rex: No doubt! / T-Rex: IN THE FUTURE, we'll solve the old problems but we'll also have new problems. / Utahraptor: Also, we'll still have some of the old problems. / T-Rex: The future, ladies and gentlemen!! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Maaaan! / T-Rex: I forgot to predict friggin' ROCKET BOOTS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1535
half-way through writing this comic, I realized that if dame judy dench reads my comic then t-rex WOULD, in her head, to her, already sound just like dame judy dench. niiiiiice T-Rex: My life - ALL LIVES, in fact - would be measurably improved if I had a sweet accent! FACT. / T-Rex: And it totally doesn't count to say I already have an accent! / T-Rex: We're being relative here; it has to be different from everyone else around me. Wouldn't it be great if I sounded like Dame Judi Dench, Dromiceiomimus? I mean, a male version? Ooh, or like Cary Grant! I could sound like the platonic form of charming, suave, unreliable and debonair MANHOOD. / Dromiceiomimus: Have you tried faking it? / T-Rex: Oh, for sure, but all my accents sound like bad Irish fakes! / T-Rex: It's confusing and disappointing. / Utahraptor: So, you want to sound like Cary Grant, eh? / Utahraptor: Why not hire voice and accent coaches, like actors do? I don't see why the same "here's how to talk like someone you're not" lessons wouldn't apply just as well to you. / T-Rex: Utahraptor, that's brilliant! Oh my gosh. My lifelong dream can finally now be realized! / Narrator: A FEW MONTHS LATER: / T-Rex: Why, hello there, Utahraptor! Wouldn't you say I sound like a young Cary Grant? / Utahraptor: I would! / T-Rex: Well, sure! It would be harder to hear my accent, however, if our conversation were relayed in a text-based medium.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1536
i always felt bad for the kids who'd respond with "thank you" to an insult, as if that diffused it. you still understood the intent of the hurtful words and saying thanks at least superficially indicates you appreciated it and as such works to Narrator: INTERNET ARGUMENT COMICS / Narrator: NAZI ACCUSATIONS / T-Rex" Can we accept that everyone on the internet is PROBABLY a Nazi, and move on?? / Narrator: YOU'RE BEING PRESCRIPTIVIST ABOUT LANGUAGE AND KEEP TELLING EVERYONE ELSE HOW TO TYPE / T-Rex: Keep up the good work! / Narrator: NO THE PROBLEM IS THIS IS A JERKY THING TO DO / T-Rex: I respectfully disagree!! / T-Rex: Bitches gotta know when they've screwed up capitalization! / Narrator: YOU THINK "FAIL" IS SYNONYMOUS WITH "Q.E.D." / Utahraptor: Who says "Q.E.D." online? / T-Rex: Honestly. / Narrator: YOU ARE TYPING IN ALL CAPS / T-Rex: I ACTUALLY HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT / Utahraptor: ME NEITHER AS A FIND IT TO BE A REASONABLE FORM OF EXPRESSION / T-Rex: RIGHT ON / Narrator: YOU SEEM UNAWARE THAT "FAG" IS SHORT FOR "YOU ARE A *F*RIEND I RESPECT; *A*S SUCH I *G*REATLY LOOK FORWARD TO COMMUNICATING WITH YOU IN AN HONEST WAY IN THE FUTURE" / T-Rex: Man, here I thought it stood for "Fellow Against Galactophagists"! / T-Rex: Sheesh
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1537
 
i wrote this comic while listening the TWO separate albums called "the ocarina of rhyme". i know mc hawking has "a brief history of rhyme"; apparently i am a big fan of the ol' time/rhyme switcharoo Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS / Today's origin story: ALL LIFE (in the Judeo-Christian tradition) / T-Rex: I'm God and I'm going to create life! / God: INTERESTING / T-Rex: Okay so first off I'm going to invent the week! Monday's for inventing light, Tuesday's for inventing sky, Wednesday's for inventing stars and moons, Thursday's for inventing land and trees, Friday's for inventing sea beasts and birds, and Saturday's for inventing animals and dinosaurs and humans! Sunday's for chillaxin'. / God: I GOTTA SAY THAT IS A PRETTY GOOD GIST OF WHAT HAPPENED. / T-Rex: And now I'm going to put everyone into a big garden! Nobody eat the fruit of one particular tree, okay?! / Utahraptor: Okay! / Utahraptor: But I gotta say, there's this one forbidden tree that has this AMAZING fruit and you should definitely eat some right away. / T-Rex: Okay! / Utahraptor: AWESOME. / God: T-REX ADAM AND EVE ARE TE ONES WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO EAT FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE YOU'RE GOD IN THIS STORY REMEMBER / T-Rex: Oops. Oh well! / God: IT'S JUST THAT IS SOME HELLA CONFUSING SYMBOLISM
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1538
Someone must have gotten it right by now! T-Rex: People are predicting the future all the time. All the time, you guys! / T-Rex: Someone must have gotten it right by now! / T-Rex: So I'm going to go back and read tons of "Life in the World of Tomorrow" articles from centuries past, and find the one dude who was the closest to being accurate. / Dromiceiomimus: And then what? / T-Rex: What do you mean, "And then what"? And then I'm going to read a bunch of startlingly accurate predictions about our futuristic society! / Utahraptor: It is kind of neat to imagine the one guy who, purely by chance, has the most right predictions. / T-Rex: I know! / T-Rex: I'd love to go back in time and tell him "Hey man - of everyone here, you were the most right." Actually - I think I'd mostly just like to hear that myself. / Utahraptor: It would be pretty amazing to go through life knowing that in the future, people not only remember but also APPROVE of you. / Narrator: THAT EVENING: / T-Rex: Okay, time travellers! This is your LAST CHANCE to tell me I'm the more right guy here. Right now. Now! Nownownow. Now! Nnnnnnow! Now. ...Aw maaaan.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1539
the wikipedia page on pedigree collapse writes about "the common historical tendency to marry those within walking distance", which i find to be ENTIRELY CHARMING. you're within walking distance, baby! let's get hitched! T-Rex: Let us assume that everyone alive today has two biological parents, a mother and a father. I will call this the "No Cloned Chicks" hypothesis! / T-Rex: And let us further assume that everyone's parents had a biological mother and father too! / T-Rex: This seems pretty reasonable. But it can't possibly be the case! If you take me, I've got two parents. My parents have two parents themselves, so this means that three generations ago, four people are needed to eventually produce me. Another generation back, we're eight people, and five generations ago gives me sixteen ancestors! / Utahraptor: And if you go back 1500 years or so, say, fifty-five generations? / T-Rex: That's exactly the problem! / T-Rex: At fifty-five generations, I've got over TEN QUADRILLION grandparents all running around at the same time! Man! There's NO WAY there was room for that. / Utahraptor: Ah, but you're assuming everyone's sexing up a totally genetic stranger. If you sex up a relative, any child produced will have fewer grandparents! / T-Rex: ...Huh! So the fact that there weren't ten quadrillion people 1500 years ago SCIENTIFICALLY PROVES that some of my ancestors liked sexing it up with their cousins!! / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: ...Huh.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1540
let's say you have a giant heap of sand. God: T-REX LET'S SAY YOU HAVE A GIANT HEAP OF SAND AND I REMOVE ONE GRAIN AT A TIME / T-Rex: Ooh, let's!! / God: CLEARLY WHEN THERE'S ONLY ONE GRAIN OF SAND LEFT IT'S NOT A HEAP ANYMORE / T-Rex: Clearly! / God: AHA MY FRIEND BUT WHEN PRECISELY DID IT SWITCH FROM HEAP TO NON-HEAP / T-Rex: I dunno! At some fuzzy point if would switch for most observers from "heap" to, say, "small pile", and there we can draw the line. Language isn't that precise. / God: LISTEN THIS IS A CLASSIC PARADOX THAT EUBULIDES OF MILETUS CAME UP WITH OVER 2000 YEARS AGO / God: YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN NOW OKAY / T-Rex: Sounds kinda dumb to to me! / Utahraptor: What does? / T-Rex: The point at which a shrinking heap of sand becomes a non-heap. Clearly I'm supposed to struggle with an arbitrary threshold, because piles on either side of it look much the same. But it's just language! Look at statistical usage of the word "heap", decide using that average, end of story. / T-Rex: Oh snap, philosophers! Did T-Rex just totally school you with statistically-based descriptivist approach to semantics? IT APPEARS THAT HE TOTALLY DID!! It also appears he's speaking in the third person because he's so impressed with his awesome self!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1541
if you think either t-rex or utahraptor is being unreasonable, just adjust the amount of money owed up or down until you can see their point of view Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH T-REX OWES UTAHRAPTOR FIFTY BUCKS / T-Rex: Hah hah! Yep! / T-Rex: And I TOTALLY haven't paid it back yet, either! / Dromiceiomimus: What? Are you talking about your $50 debt to Utahraptor? / T-Rex: He told you about that? / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, he told me because he'd lent you the money a long time ago, and he was concerned that asking you for it a third time in as many months was not polite. I told him YOU were the one who was impolite in for putting him in this situation! / T-Rex: Man, now I'M the bad guy for not honoring debts in a timely manner? / Utahraptor: My debt? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! Homeslice! Oh, I wasn't talking about you, I was referring to another debt which - um, I also owe? / Utahraptor: T-Rex, you only ever call me nicknames when you owe me money. / T-Rex: Aw, that's no true! C'mon, Shortpants! / T-Rex: !! / T-Rex: Oh my God, from now on his name is definitely Shortpants.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1542
 

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