You're browsing the archives of Dinosaur Comics.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| PLATONIC FORMS | T-Rex: Plato was a philosopher guy who said perfect dudes don't exist. Rather, all dudes are the imperfect instantiations of the perfect ideal of dudes, the essential dude, intangible essence of dudeness! / T-Rex: Plato also said things like "I'm hungry guys, frig!" but we're not remembering him for that right now! / T-Rex: Ours is an imperfect world, and as such there's no perfect dudes in it. All the dudes we have are imperfect instances - copies, if you will- of the ideal dude, who is so great he can't even EXIST.
/ Dromiceiomimus: But what about if you and I have different ideas about what the perfect dude is?
/ Dromiceiomimus: It's just I'm - I'm pretty sure we do. / Utahraptor: Plato really said this about... dudes?
/ T-Rex: Okay, NO, not technically. / T-Rex: He was actually talking about everything, but that includes dudes! I used dudes because it's an example EVERYONE can get behind.
/ Utahraptor: Wouldn't circles be a better example? We can all imagine the perfect circle, but we can't draw one.
/ T-Rex: Um, computers can?? / Utahraptor: Those are pixelated if you look closely, T-Rex! And before you say "robots can", they still draw on some medium, and that's made of atoms.
/ T-Rex: And atoms are NATURE'S pixels! You just proved my case for me! Awesome!
/ T-Rex: Okay now, bring it back to dudes!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1603 |
| bedbug sex is just part of the beauty of Mother Someanimalsengageinterribleawfulsexyouguys | T-Rex: When a man and a woman love each other very much, they share a very special hug!
/ T-Rex: It's not always that special though, you guys! / TRAUMATIC INSEMINATION COMICS / T-Rex: Sometime in the past, male bedbugs realized that since they have an open circulatory system, if a female doesn't want to have sex with them they can just CRACK OPEN HER BODY and inject their sperm right into her chest, where it will eventually reach her ovaries! And now all males have these HYPODERMIC STAB WEINERS, and the women are left with fully-functional genital tracts that are only used when it's time to deposit the eggs! / Utahraptor: The ladies evolved some countermeasures though, didn't they?
/ T-Rex: Yep! In the form of EXTRA GENITALS. / T-Rex: They've got this paragenitalia - paragenitalia! - on their chests that's this target for the guys, but which also limits their damage and lowers the chance of infection.
/ Utahraptor: Wow.
/ T-Rex: Yeah, when people talk to me about intelligent design, I yell "BED BUGS HAVE INSTITUTIONALIZED STAB RAPES". / T-Rex: That - that normally ends the conversation right there http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1604 |
| openoffice doesn't have "utahraptor" OR "superduds" in its spell check dictionary. it's open source; what do i need to program to fix this for future generations | T-Rex: Today I made peace with the possibility that I might never get wrapped up in a madcap case of mistaken identity. / T-Rex: I also made peace with the possibility that I might never have kids! / T-Rex: Then I made peace with the possibility that even if I HAD kids, they could grow up to be superduds. Then, I went on to make peace with the possibility that there might be somewhere out there who doesn't like Batman, and literally NOTHING can change their mind!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Today I made peace with the possibility that some people might enjoy being wrong.
/ T-Rex: Totally what I just said!! / Utahraptor: Today I made peace with the possibility that -
/ T-Rex: Yes? / Utahraptor: Well, today I made peace with the possibility that if I die tomorrow, people might not say "Such a tragedy; he had so much potential."
/ T-Rex: Ouch. Utahraptor, I promise I'll say it even if you die with tons of fully realized potential!
/ Uthraptor: Hey, thanks! / Narrator: THE NEXT DAY:
/ T-Rex: Today I made peace with the possibility that MY cause of death might not be listed as "kung fu".
/ *sigh*
/ T-Rex: Frig, wait! No I didn't!!
/ T-Rex: http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1605 |
| seriously tempted to put out a whole line of these novels: "CLASSICS OF WESTERN LITERATURE: THE ODYSSEY, NOW TOLD AS IF IT WAS THIS REALLY LONG COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTING A TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES CARTOON, AND AT THE END, THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE | T-Rex: What day is it? It's December now, isn't it? / T-Rex: It's DEFINITELY time for me to fix the great works of fiction! / T-Rex: The great out-of-copyright works of fiction, anyway. My brilliant idea is to completely recontextualize them through the magic of framing stories! So for example, instead of Moby Dick being about this guy after a whale, it's this CRAZY SCIENTIST writing whaler fan fiction, and at the end, the scientist stops and says "Sheesh, I didn't mean to write so much whaler fan fiction." / Utahraptor: And Moby Dick takes place in the middle?
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: And Pride and Prejudice is still this fancy romance story, but now it's framed by this dude being asked to describe the ultimate video game, and at the end the dude says "Anyway after that it becomes a turned-based strategy game with a focus on resource management".
/ Utahraptor: ...Huh. / T-Rex: Hamlet ends as it normally does, but then the framing play starts up again and it's Hamlet's dad looking into a crystal ball, and he says "Forsooth, now let's see what would happen if I won the lottery!!"
/ T-Rex: It's SO GOOD, Utahraptor! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1606 |
| OH, ALSO, THE SENDER OF THIS CARD WANTS TO LICK YOUR TEETH CLEAN, EVEN IF THEY DENY IT, THEY TOTALLY DO | Narrator [[written as title of the comic]]: "HEY. HEY. YOU HAVE SOMETHING STUCK BETWEEN YOUR TEETH"
/ Narrator [[written as title of the comic]]: a web card / T-Rex: Hey. Hey! You have something stuck between your teeth! / T-Rex: And the sender of THIS card clearly thought the best way to tell you was to go home, boot up their computer, and email you a web card.
/ Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, we're in the future! People have PHONES that can send emails now.
/ T-Rex: Hah! EVEN WHEN THE EMAILS CONTAIN WEB CARDS?? / Utahraptor: Yep, even then.
/ T-Rex: R...really? / Utahraptor: Yep! So it's not so unreasonable that someone would send this web card. If the other person also had a fancy phone, it would be a discreet way of letting them know!
/ T-Rex: Okay, wow! That's cool. I didn't know phones could do that! / T-Rex: Anyway! It's like - broccoli or something between your teeth? Maybe pesto? Anyway, it's all over the place.
/ T-Rex: It's -
/ T-Rex: It's like your gums were replaced with green peanut butter http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1607 |
| anyway, i'll show myself out, professor!! | Narrator: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE
/ T-Rex: Today's letter from Professor Science comes from Alexis, who writes: / T-Rex: "Dear Professor, how much would it cost to buy the WHOLE DANG PLANET??" / T-Rex: Wow! I guess we need to know how much our planet is worth, then. I'm guessing... a kabazillion dollars?
/ Dromiceiomimus: What if we took the sum value of all the world's currencies? That'd tell us how much everything is worth, in total!
/ T-Rex: That works, right? Because money itself isn't worth anything, but we all PRETEND it's worth the value of the goods it's traded for, right? / Utahraptor: Except that doesn't include oceans and stuff - things you can't buy!
/ T-Rex: TRUE. / Utahraptor: Plus, buying the WHOLE DANG PLANET means buying everything on it, and that means we now have to put a price on LIFE ITSELF.
/ T-Rex: I always knew this day would come, Utahraptor. I - I just never thought it'd be soon.
/ T-Rex: Alright! Life itself is, what - like twenty bucks? / Narrator: LATER:
/ T-Rex: Professor Science, we can SCIENTIFICALLY PROVE that people are wrong for getting mad at me for saying life is worth like twenty bucks? It grows in crusty milk, it is like the most free thing ever!! ... PROFESSOR ARE YOU EVEN HOME http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1608 |
| guys i think i made myself sad for bacteria with the phrase "those tiny lives" | T-Rex: You know what? We totally can put an exact price on life, down to the nearest cent. / T-Rex: In fact, we do it all the time! / T-Rex: Every time we land somewhere on the gradient between safety and expense, we do it. If a new ambulance costs $100,000 but would likely save at least 100 lives while it was in use, and we decide NOT to buy it, then we're saying those particular lives aren't worth $1000. Ouch! Sorry, ambulance dudes! / Utahraptor: But maybe we don't have the money to buy an ambulance anyway!
/ T-Rex: Sure! It's not a perfect measurement. / T-Rex: All I'm saying is we ESTIMATE it all the time. Heck, you do it whenever you're paid hourly and you speed into work! Divide the extra money you get by being there sooner by the increase chance of death the added speed brings you, and you've just VALUED YOUR OWN LIFE.
/ Utahraptor: ...I - I guess so! / T-Rex: On the flip side, whenever housecleaners clean a bathroom, they're PAID to kill the bacteria there! So those tiny lives are worth negative dollars. And there's SO MANY bacteria, Utahraptor!
/ T-Rex: There are like a decazillion of them I am ALMOST certain http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1609 |
| Congratulations to my friend Amanda McCoy, who just got her PhD! That's just excellent. I'm really happy to list Dr. McCoy among my friends, pretty sure I'll never call her by her first name again | T-Rex: So, um, I spent a few days putting a price on LIFE ITSELF, and now I've got a dollar figure for my own life! / T-Rex: Kinda depressing, you guys! / Dromiceiomimus: Well, you can bolster it some, right? Like, you could add on the price each your organs would fetch on a black market. That'd raise it some!
/ T-Rex: THAT JUST MAKES IT MORE DEPRESSING! I don't want to be commodified, Dromiceiomimus. When people said "You can't put a price on life", they didn't mean it was an impossibility - they meant it in the permissive sense! They were trying to give me GOOD ADVICE. / Utahraptor: Not a fan of your entire life reduced to a single number? Then don't do it!
/ T-Rex: Huh? / Utahraptor: These prices are estimates anyway, dependant on so many assumptions. Even if someone's dead, you can't say for sure how much they're worth! How much was Newton worth? Or Shakespeare? Or some dude who fathered Shakespeare's great-great grandmother? Or some OTHER dude who was there, encouraging him to do it? / T-Rex: {{in italics}} ...Weird. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1610 |
| i am a very mature fellow whose interests include maturity and whose primary hobby is being extremely mature | T-Rex: The greatest proof that time travel isn't possible is that we're not being visited by tourists from the future. I call this Sexy T-Rex's Argument Against Time Travel! / God: STEPHEN HAWKING SAID THAT ALREADY
/ T-Rex: ...fine! FINE. / T-Rex: Stephen Hawking is a smart guy; it makes sense he'd get there first. However, did he ever say maybe time tourists are ALREADY walking among us, but they've disguised themselves so well that we've never noticed?
/ Dromiceiomimus: No, but Carl Sagan did.
/ T-Rex: ...
/ T-Rex: ...He WOULD. / Utahraptor: Turns out greater minds than yours have thought about time travel already, huh?
/ T-Rex: Sure, but that's fine! / T-Rex: I'm PERFECTLY CONTENT if nobody ever talks about T-Rex's Argument Against Time Travel. It's the idea that's important, not who gets credit for it!
/ Utahraptor: Really? That's very mature of you.
/ T-Rex: Thank you! I am an extremely mature gentleman, and I'm flattered you noticed. / Narrator: LATER: T-REX VANDALIZES A BATHROOM WALL WITH THE WORDS "STEPHEN HAWKING AND CARL SAGAN, YOU BOTH HAVE UNWITTINGLY DONE ME A SMALL UNKINDNESS"
/ T-Rex: It's as forceful as I could get; I love those guys!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1611 |
| not the ADJECTIVEST NOUNS in the VESSEL is my favourite analogy. there's so many words you can substitute in there, there's no reason to use the same one twice! it's just a perfectly excellent analogy, and i wanted to share. | T-Rex: A bunch of us want to find meaning and purpose in our lives and the Universe. Unfortunately, the Universe itself is indifferent, uncaring and meaningless! / Narrator: Absurdism comics
/ Narrator: woooo / T-Rex: So! Since the Universe is TOTALLY MEANINGLESS, looking for any sort of meaning in life is absurd, and we're all sorta stuck. But lucky for us, the absurdist philosophers came up with three ways to resolve this! The - the first resolution is suicide.
/ T-Rex: I've said it before, but I'll say it again: the absurdists were not the cheeriest potatoes in the bag. / Utahraptor: But if we don't want to kill ourselves, we can find religion, right?
/ T-Rex: Right! / T-Rex: Religion can give hope of a kind and caring world beyond our absurd one. But since they see reason as the greatest tool we've got and religion relies on faith, it's rejected by the absurdists as a (just as deadly!) PHILOSOPHICAL suicide.
/ Utahraptor: So what's left? / T-Rex: What's left? Only to accept the absurd and try to find any meaning we can in our own personal journey from life to death!
/ T-Rex: Anyway, this is how come I'm so into vegetables that look like celebs. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1612 |
| remember when knowing different types of shorthand was something people bragged about? it only happened to me once; i don't know what happened | T-Rex: Okay, so, turns out I might be dead someday. / T-Rex: We all might be dead SOMEDAY! / T-Rex: And it would be great for future generations to not have to make the same mistakes I did. So pay attention, future generations! HERE'S WHAT I'VE LEARNT: if you know a bit about a bunch of things you'll feel confident in more situations, it's nice to be nice, people sometimes get pissed if you beat them in video games but WHATEVER, and getting old isn't too bad but I haven't gotten THAT old yet so I don't know for sure. / Utahraptor: I, uh, don't see any future generations listening in.
/ T-Rex: Utahraptor!! / T-Rex: I thought you were taking notes! Where's your notepad?!
/ Utahraptor: I'm not your stenographer! Take your own notes.
/ T-Rex: UM, I CAN'T BECAUSE I'M BUSY POURING MY LIFE KNOWLEDGE INTO THE EMPTY VESSELS OF FUTURE GENERATIONS?? Come on, we need to get ON THI- / Narrator: MANY GENERATIONS LATER
/ The Future Generations {{off-screen}}: Look at this weird old photo of some guy I found!
/ The Future Generations {{off-screen}}: I wonder if when he was alive he had any advice for us, the future generations!
/ The Future Generations {{off-screen}}: *I* wonder why he's, uh, naked? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1613 |
| it has a certain jee nee says quey | T-Rex: If honeybabe made a mistake, I might say "Honeybabe, you made a mistake!" / T-Rex: Or maybe I'd say "Honeybabe, you blew it!" / T-Rex: Maybe I'd suggest our honeybabe in question blundered. Did she just slip up, or did she totally botch it? Maybe it was just an error? A miscalculation? An oversight? A FAILURE? The words we choose indicate how severe a mistake it was, but ALSO suggest various degrees of culpability, and most of us are pretty finely tuned to their nuances of meaning - even honeybabes! / Utahraptor: This just in, English has a lot of words for a bunch of stuff! Film at 11?
/ T-Rex: It's got real applications! / T-Rex: We're getting closer to computers that can choose their own words, and this shows how sensitive these choices can be!
/ Utahraptor: If you misspell a word, "You made a boo-boo" is fine, but if you press the wrong button and lazer 5000 dudes, that's probably not the mot juste? / T-Rex: Yep! And I'm glad you said "mot juste" and didn't just write it down as text, as I'd have read it as "mott just-ee".
/ Utahraptor [off-panel]: Well, that'd be my fault for changing languages in the middle of a sentence.
/ T-Rex: Indeed, no-one can be expected to keep up with that sort of tromperie http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1614 |
| this comic started life as a "old web design elements: where are they now", but man, those horizontal bars that look like they're cutting through websites are clearly the best part and high water mark of that or any other possible design aesthetic | Narrator: WHERE ARE THEY NOW? CELEBRITIES FROM THE 80S:
/ T-Rex: Some are dead, most are still around! Some are happy, others are not so happy, but I'm sure they hope to be happy soon. / T-Rex: Best of luck, unhappy 80s celebrities!! / Narrator: THOSE HORIZONTAL BARS ON OLD WEBSITES THAT LOOK LIKE A CIRCULAR SAW IS MOVING BACK AND FORTH TO CUT THE WEBPAGE IN HALF:
/ Dromiceiomimus: They're still working on cutting that page in half, God bless 'em.
/ T-Rex: Nobody tell them HTML doesn't work like that, okay?? / Narrator: THAT DINNER FROM A FEW MONTHS AGO:
/ Utahraptor: Some of it probably got turned into your body!
/ T-Rex: Niiiice. / Narrator: OKAY, ATOMS IN YOUR BODY THEN:
/ Utahraptor: A better question is "where were they THEN?" and the answer is "Originally, the big bang, where all that makes you was blasted out of the same stuff that your enemies also came from."
/ T-Rex: "Also, every bit of current day poop came from there too; pretty gross." / Narrator: EVERYONE FROM 200 YEARS AGO:
/ T-Rex: All passed away, leaving behind only things others thought were worth preserving, if any, and memories of themselves in the minds of their equally mortal friends.
/ T-Rex: This is depressing, let's talk about poo atoms again! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1615 |
| i locked myself out but my girlfriend came home, close call! the last time i locked myself out before that i kicked in the back door in, it was awesome and remains a treasured memory | Lock: *click* / T-Rex: Aw dang!! / Narrator: SOON:
/ T-Rex: Frig Dromiceiomimus, I locked myself out! My keys AND everything else I own is trapped in a housethat, thanks to my thoughlessness, I no longer have access to!!
/ Dromiceiomimus: You can hire a locksmith to cut the locks open.
/ T-Rex: HOW CAN I PROVE I'M ME? All my ID is inside the house! / Utahraptor: Just show them a photo once you're inside!
/ T-Rex: Ridicilous! / T-Rex: That is a huge loophole that ANY NUMBER of evil twins could exploit!
/ Utahraptor: I think you'd be surprised how often there's no security measures against evil twins in real life. Why, you could ask your friend Utahraptor... IF HE WAS HERE!!
/ T-Rex: AHHHHHH- / Narrator: LATER:
/ T-Rex: HHHHHHHHPARENTLY YOU HAVE BEEN SUBSTITUTED FOR HIM
/ T-Rex: IS HOW I WOULD SUMMARIZE YOUR SENTENCE http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1616 |
| if the "you have to solve a crime for every dollar you receive" clauses aren't going to be enforced, why bother making a will at all?? | T-Rex: You guys! I just wrote the best will. It's the best will! / God: DOES IT HAVE NIGHTS IN A HAUNTED HOUSE
/ T-Rex: It DOES! / T-Rex: And that's just where it starts. After my would-be heirs spend the night in the haunted house, which is clearly specified in my will to be ACTUALLY HAUNTED, they have to successfully navigate a series of dares and challenges - punching bears, eating chairs, that sort of thing - all designed to bring them together and underline a valuable life lesson: "MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING". Then they get the money. / Utahraptor: They'll just contest the will,T-Rex!
/ T-Rex: What's that? / Utahraptor: They'll contest it, or everyone will agree to redact the bear slappy clauses. Happens all the time.
/ T-Rex: The HELL? This is my last chance to make people to do things for money, and you're saying they're not legally bound to do it? / T-Rex: Man!
/ T-Rex: Dying DOES suck! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1617 |
| oh, also it can't be something illegal. you're not allowed to rob a bank because a will told you to do it. "SOCIETY", am i right? | T-Rex: Cats and kittens, chicks and dudes!! I was wrong! / T-Rex: You CAN force your heirs to punch a bear in your will! / T-Rex: If I make a CONDITIONAL bequest while of sound mind and body and possessing FULL TESTAMENTARY CAPACITY, a probate court is entirely likely to honour those clauses!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Conditional bequest?
/ T-Rex: Yeah, like "You must punch out a bear within three weeks of my death, or the diamonds go to some charity instead!" / T-Rex: Only, I don't actually write "some charity".
/ Utahraptor: You name the charity.
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm SO EXCITED. I kinda want to become super rich now, because the more money I have the more AWESOME CLAUSES I can put into my will! "Sure, you can have some money now that I'm dead... IF YOU KISS FIFTY DUDES IN THE NEXT THREE MINUTES, GO GO GO!!!"
/ Utahraptor: Hah! / T-Rex: Man! I take it back, dying is AWESOME.
/ T-Rex: Um, parts of it, I mean!
/ T-Rex: The parts where the dead bribe the living seem pretty rad is all I'm saying http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1618 |
| my friend eric worked at a phone survey company, and he often had to ask the elderly to tell him what their favourite gaming console was, xbox or ps2, and they'd have no idea and be completely lost, and he'd say "so hey, xbox is pretty good", and then he | T-Rex: Surveys are kinda baloney, you guys! They're kinda phoney baloney to the ultimate max. / T-Rex: And I'm not one to say things like that often!! / T-Rex: Say there's a survey about applesauce: like most dudes, I don't really have APPLESAUCE OPINIONS, so I'm probably not going to answer a whole survey about it! But if I were big into applesauce (or big AGAINST applesauce) I'd be way more into answering the survey. The result is that surveys overrepresent extreme viewpoints, because the only people completing surveys are those INTERESTED in doing so. / Utahraptor: The apathetic ARE typically underrepresented in surveys.
/ T-Rex: Precisely, my friend! / T-Rex: Surveys get people with opinions, and the bored, and the lonely. But not the apathetic and the jerkasses! You know what jerkasses do when some stranger calls up and asks them questions?
/ Utahraptor: Hang up the phone?
/ T-Rex: Utahraptor
/ T-Rex: {{in italics}} sometimes they curse first / T-Rex: Yep!
/ T-Rex: That's why they're jerkasses! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1619 |
| the phrase is also oddly named because it suggests the involvement, even though he didn't help, of our mutual friend bubba | T-Rex: Time for me to invent a new emotion! THIS is the feeling you get when you've said the wrong thing to someone by accident, and it's awkward and you've both noticed it, but it's days later now and you're still thinking about it! / T-Rex: And there's nothing you can do without making things MORE awkward! / T-Rex: I propose we call this emotion: HUGGA BUBBA LOVE
/ T-Rex: woo / Utahraptor: The name seems at odds with the emotion!
/ T-Rex: What?! How so? / Utahraptor: Um, "love" is there and it's not actually about love at all?
/ T-Rex: It's not ROMANTIC love, Utahraptor, it's hugga bubba love, which I just defined as lingering awkwardness that has nothing to do with love at all! / T-Rex: And before you say "adjective phrases can't fully replace noun semantics", let me warn you: THIS ONE CAN.
/ Someone: T-Rex! STOP UNDERMINING ENGLISH
/ T-Rex: HUGGA BUBBA NEVER http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1620 |
| by end of week all parts of speech will be replaced with "hugga bubba", right here at qwantz.com | T-Rex: Okay, so maybe "hugga bubba" ISN'T the best adjective. / T-Rex: Maybe it is though!! / T-Rex: But just in case it isn't, I've invented a new way for it to be used! JUST LIKE THAT, BABY. Now "hugga bubba" is ALSO the new "um", the new "ah", and the new "er". Instead of saying "Um, I have no idea", we can say "Hugga bubba, I have no idea!"
/ Dromiceiomimus: "I think I had about, hugga bubba, five drinks last night"?
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: Oh man, I can't wait to hear how awesome EVERY CONVERSATION EVER will be now!
/ Utahraptor: One problem! / Utahraptor: How are you going to convince people to use it?
/ T-Rex: Man, it SELLS ITSELF! I, hugga bubba, don't understand why you're fighting this.
/ Utahraptor: It just sounds like you're saying your name is "Hugga Bubba". / T-Rex: OH MY GOSH that's the best name EVER. Well, looks my afternoon just got filled up!
/ T-Rex: Assuming they've removed the 5-day waiting period on me changing my name, that is!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1621 |
| A false document is when you refer to or quote books and stuff that don't exist in real life, but your whole story pretends like they do. Like when Star Wars reads his electricity bill!! | T-Rex: A false document is when you refer to or quote books and stuff that don't exist in real life, but your whole story pretends like they actually do. Like when Shakespeare reads the dictionary! / Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS
/ Narrator: today's technique: FALSE DOCUMENTS / Dromiceiomimus: That's not a false document, T-Rex! Shakespeare was a real guy, and dictionaries actually exist. It's more like if, I don't know, the Necronomicon was read by a Shakespeare CHARACTER.
/ T-Rex: Hah! Shakespeare's already QUITE the character, believe you me!!
/ T-Rex: ...He's sullen to me sometimes / Utahraptor: Except Shakespeare did most of his writing before dictionaries!
/ T-Rex: Oh man, really? / Utahraptor: Yep! The earliest English dictionaries we've got showed up AFTER he started writing plays: it's one of the reasons he's had such an effect on the language. He was around while the written form was crystalizing!
/ T-Rex: So I was TOTALLY partially right! That's EXCELLENT. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
/ T-Rex: Shakespeare, if you spell "assume" differently, you'll stop future generations from making that stupid "ass out of u and me" joke!
/ Shakespeare: T-REX
/ Shakespeare: LISTEN
/ Shakespeare: i have like no context to understand any of this
/ {{Shakespeare is off panel and not seen}} http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1622 |
| ATTENTION ALL CIVILIZATIONS ACROSS THE UNIVERSE: HAVE A SIMULATED GOOD TIME | T-Rex: It's possible that one day, an advanced civilization (and not necessarily our own!) might be able to reasonably simulate an entire universe, or at least fake it for simulated people living inside. / T-Rex: And these simulated dudes wouldn't even know they're in a simulation! / T-Rex: And if a civilization can do this once, it's likely that they'd EVENTUALLY do it more than once. They could even reach a point where simulations are mass produced: billions of disposable toy realities used for experiments, research, or given to children during Future Christmas! / Utahraptor: Sure, maybe in some hyper-advanced future!
/ T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: But if we assume that SOMEONE can reach this level, then what's more likely: that WE'RE the ones who develop this technology without actually being in a simulation ourselves, or that we're all stuck in one of the TRILLIONS of simulations being run AS WE SPEAK??
/ Utahraptor: *gasp* / Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS WISHES YOU A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS 2010 http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1623 |
| in any case: behind the couch | T-Rex: So all my talk about the entire universe being a big simulation ignored one pretty big question, which is this: / T-Rex: Why simulate an entire universe when you can just simulate one awesome dude? / T-Rex: Let's assume that if we're simulating universes, we're doing it for a reason. Sure, SOME simulations would be the whole universe, but that's complicated and expensive! Why simulate boring microbes galaxies away if we're just interested in one dude on Earth? And why simulate this one dude at all, unless you're trying to find out more about his life, get inside his head, perhaps... FIND OUT WHERE HE BURIED THE DIAMONDS?? / Utahraptor: You're proposing simulations be used for historical research!
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: And since MY consciousness is the only one I can confirm, it means that outside this simulation, in my REAL life, I did something SO RAD that people are still trying to figure it out. You're here to ensure I act like I did before, and perhaps, at the end, to ask me -
/ Utahraptor: WHERE DID YOU BURY THE DIAMONDS?? / T-Rex: *gasp*
/ Utahraptor: ALSO, PRECISELY WHEN WILL YOU GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO UTAHRAPTOR?? FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE STILL, UM, STUMPED.
/ T-Rex: *gasp* http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1624 |
| in any case: behind the couch | T-Rex: So all my talk about the entire universe being a big simulation ignored one pretty big question, which is this: / T-Rex: Why simulate an entire universe when you can just simulate one awesome dude? / T-Rex: Let's assume that if we're simulating universes, we're doing it for a reason. Sure, SOME simulations would be the whole universe, but that's complicated and expensive! Why simulate boring microbes galaxies away if we're just interested in one dude on Earth? And why simulate this one dude at all, unless you're trying to find out more about his life, get inside his head, perhaps... FIND OUT WHERE HE BURIED THE DIAMONDS?? / Utahraptor: You're proposing simulations be used for historical research!
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: And since MY consciousness is the only one I can confirm, it means that outside this simulation, in my REAL life, I did something SO RAD that people are still trying to figure it out. You're here to ensure I act like I did before, and perhaps, at the end, to ask me -
/ Utahraptor: WHERE DID YOU BURY THE DIAMONDS?? / T-Rex: *gasp*
/ Utahraptor: ALSO, PRECISELY WHEN WILL YOU GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO UTAHRAPTOR?? FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE STILL, UM, STUMPED.
/ T-Rex: *gasp* http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1624 |
| in any case: behind the couch | T-Rex: So all my talk about the entire universe being a big simulation ignored one pretty big question, which is this: / T-Rex: Why simulate an entire universe when you can just simulate one awesome dude? / T-Rex: Let's assume that if we're simulating universes, we're doing it for a reason. Sure, SOME simulations would be the whole universe, but that's complicated and expensive! Why simulate boring microbes galaxies away if we're just interested in one dude on Earth? And why simulate this one dude at all, unless you're trying to find out more about his life, get inside his head, perhaps... FIND OUT WHERE HE BURIED THE DIAMONDS?? / Utahraptor: You're proposing simulations be used for historical research!
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: And since MY consciousness is the only one I can confirm, it means that outside this simulation, in my REAL life, I did something SO RAD that people are still trying to figure it out. You're here to ensure I act like I did before, and perhaps, at the end, to ask me -
/ Utahraptor: WHERE DID YOU BURY THE DIAMONDS?? / T-Rex: *gasp*
/ Utahraptor: ALSO, PRECISELY WHEN WILL YOU GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO UTAHRAPTOR?? FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE STILL, UM, STUMPED.
/ T-Rex: *gasp* http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1624 |
| in any case: behind the couch | T-Rex: So all my talk about the entire universe being a big simulation ignored one pretty big question, which is this: / T-Rex: Why simulate an entire universe when you can just simulate one awesome dude? / T-Rex: Let's assume that if we're simulating universes, we're doing it for a reason. Sure, SOME simulations would be the whole universe, but that's complicated and expensive! Why simulate boring microbes galaxies away if we're just interested in one dude on Earth? And why simulate this one dude at all, unless you're trying to find out more about his life, get inside his head, perhaps... FIND OUT WHERE HE BURIED THE DIAMONDS?? / Utahraptor: You're proposing simulations be used for historical research!
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: And since MY consciousness is the only one I can confirm, it means that outside this simulation, in my REAL life, I did something SO RAD that people are still trying to figure it out. You're here to ensure I act like I did before, and perhaps, at the end, to ask me -
/ Utahraptor: WHERE DID YOU BURY THE DIAMONDS?? / T-Rex: *gasp*
/ Utahraptor: ALSO, PRECISELY WHEN WILL YOU GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO UTAHRAPTOR?? FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE STILL, UM, STUMPED.
/ T-Rex: *gasp* http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1624 |
| again, i should stress, adam and eve are dinosaurs here in t-rex's story. i think it's fair to assume than any dinosaur society would have some pretty awesome religious imagery | T-Rex: In the Garden of Eden story, Adam and Eve eat an apple from the tree of knowledge and then they're kicked out of paradise and THE AMAZING ADVENTURE OF NOT LIVING IN A GARDEN BEGINS. / T-Rex: Not in my version, peeps! / T-Rex: In MY version, this isn't an allegory or anything. Instead, it's an ALTERNATE HISTORY where Adam and Eve decide not to eat the apple! The entire book of Genesis grinds to a halt at the point where Eve says "Dudes, turns out I'm NOT hungry!"
/ Dromiceiomimus: Then what happens?
/ T-Rex: THEN they cordon off the tree of knowledge to prevent any future mistakes, finally burying it in cement Chernobyl-style! / Utahraptor: But where'd they get cement? That's a technology.
/ T-Rex: They invented it! / T-Rex: They've got nothing else to do there all day, so they invented cement.
/ Utahraptor: So in your story, Adam and Eve hang out in paradise, alone, inventing cement.
/ T-Rex: YES. It is an amazing tale! / T-Rex: I call it "What If Early Abrahamic Religions Had Not Been Concerned With The Origin of Sin, But Instead Contained A Viable Recipe For Cement".
/ T-Rex: WHAT IF, Utahraptor?? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1625 |
| I got a postcard from a reader in antarctica a few years back, it remains a treasured possession and i keep it on my fridge. there's penguins on it! (the postcard) | T-Rex: If I can't be a bog person, I can be the next best thing!
/ God: ALIVE
/ T-Rex: Better! / T-Rex: A person frozen solid at the north pole! / T-Rex: Or the south pole, I'm not picky. But I want to be perfectly preserved in some cavern somewhere, so that when future generations stumble upon me, they'll say "Oh, gross. There's a dead guy in here."
/ T-Rex: "...It looks like he died being awesome though!" / Utahraptor: So you're in some sort of awesome pose?
/ T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: Maybe I'll be wearing a Superman outfit, and in my pocket will be a note that says "I actually WAS Superman, comics were documentaries about me, make sure to tell everyone okay??"
/ Utahraptor: "I was vulnerable to the south pole though."
/ T-Rex: "Yeah, I just found that out." / Narrator: CONCLUSION:
/ T-Rex: People who pay for cryonic freezing are super chumps! All you need to do is go to Antarctica, guys.
/ T-Rex: You can die there for FREE. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1626 |
| to compare, we humans have only done like 1/1250th of a galactic orbit since we first evolved: dinosaurs were around for a LONG WHILE. and yet, they never invented a single internet in all that time! sheesh! | T-Rex: The earth's orbiting around the sun, but our sun is orbiting around the center of the friggin' galaxy! / T-Rex: At a speed of over eight hundred thousand kilometers an hour, no less! / T-Rex: But the galaxy is so big that each orbit takes 250 million years. So every second that passes, we're orbiting to a new part of space hundreds of kilometers away, where NO OTHER LIVING THING ON THE PLANET has ever been!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Well, not exactly. Life here is 4 billion years old, remember, so older forms of life have been here before. 16 times before, actually.
/ T-Rex: ...TRUE. / Utahraptor: But dinosaurs have only been around for like 160 million years!
/ T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: So, at best, WE'VE only done a little over half an orbit - so we are exploring the universes! We're going where no dinosaur has gone before!
/ Utahraptor: Sure, I'll give you that. Why make such a big deal about this though? / T-Rex: Because Utahraptor, it means that today is the first time in history, in ALL OF EXISTENCE, that a dinosaur - me! - did anything from the exact location in the universe that we're at right now!
/ T-Rex: MEDALS FOR EVERYONE http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1627 |
| i don't know what t-rex is talking about here. when *i* walk into a bar everyone turns towards me, each raising one hand clutching a $20 bill towards the bartender while motioning towards me with the other | T-Rex: Wait a second. Wait a second! / T-Rex: I've never bought a drink for a stranger in a bar! / T-Rex: Holy crap! How did I get THIS FAR in my life without doing that? How did I spend SO MUCH TIME ALIVE without ever sending a drink over, and when the bartender points me out to the recipient, smiling and tipping the brim of my hat, WHETHER I'M WEARING ONE OR NOT?
/ Dromiceiomimus: ...Wait, I've never had a drink bought FOR me by a stranger in a bar either!
/ T-Rex & Dromiceiomimus: Daaaang! / Utahraptor: Maybe it's not like in movies, though! Maybe it's kinda terrible.
/ T-Rex: Utahraptor, I appreciate what you're doing! / T-Rex: But it's clear you're just trying to cheer us up by acting like this isn't totally rad. How many times have you done it?
/ Utahraptor: Oh, I don't know -- maybe seven sending and twelve receiving?
/ T-Rex: ...WHAT?! / T-Rex: Utahraptor! I thought I was cool with my good friends being more awesome than me, but I think right now I'd really prefer it if I were the most awesome.
/ T-Rex: I'm not sure what I'm asking here
/ T-Rex: Please just keep it in mind for now http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1628 |
| that dash in | T-Rex: Utahraptor and I enter a bar, him dressed mostly in black, and me dressed mostly in white. We sit at opposite ends of the bar. / T-Rex: I order a drink for the angriest-looking lady in the room! / T-Rex: Utahraptor orders one for her too, only his drink is slightly fancier than mine. And we go back and forth, upping the ante, sending over fancier and fancier drinks, until we're sending over full bottles of champagne!
/ Dromiceiomimus: And then?
/ T-Rex: And then we send over food! Nachos! Fries! CHICKEN WINGS. / Utahraptor: So now this angry woman is surrounded on all sides by chicken wings.
/ T-Rex: And booze, yeah! / T-Rex: And she'll be so happy! It's IMPOSSIBLE to be angry when surrounded by chicken wings!! It's impossible, Utahraptor. I've tried it.
/ Utahraptor: So we're cheering up a random woman at some expense, but at the end, we'll probably all get to eat chicken wings together. Alright, I'm in! Let's do it! / [[LATER:]]
/ T-Rex: What was an angry prohibitionist chicken-rights activist doing in a bar, anyway?!
/ T-Rex: Maaaaaaaan http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1629 |
| that dash in | T-Rex: Utahraptor and I enter a bar, him dressed mostly in black, and me dressed mostly in white. We sit at opposite ends of the bar. / T-Rex: I order a drink for the angriest-looking lady in the room! / T-Rex: Utahraptor orders one for her too, only his drink is slightly fancier than mine. And we go back and forth, upping the ante, sending over fancier and fancier drinks, until we're sending over full bottles of champagne!
/ Dromiceiomimus: And then?
/ T-Rex: And then we send over food! Nachos! Fries! CHICKEN WINGS. / Utahraptor: So now this angry woman is surrounded on all sides by chicken wings.
/ T-Rex: And booze, yeah! / T-Rex: And she'll be so happy! It's IMPOSSIBLE to be angry when surrounded by chicken wings!! It's impossible, Utahraptor. I've tried it.
/ Utahraptor: So we're cheering up a random woman at some expense, but at the end, we'll probably all get to eat chicken wings together. Alright, I'm in! Let's do it! / [[LATER:]]
/ T-Rex: What was an angry prohibitionist chicken-rights activist doing in a bar, anyway?!
/ T-Rex: Maaaaaaaan http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1629 |
| a DELETED SCENE had T-Rex going to Tiny Towne Island to help name Mr. Tusks' hypothetical son, one Tiny Tusks, Junior. | T-Rex: I don't have a son, but if I did, I'd have no idea what to name him. / T-Rex: But I've got great names for everyone else's hypothetical sons! / T-Rex: For example, Dromiceiomimus, if YOU had a son, a great name for him would be DromiceioHEmus. Eh? ...Since he's a man, I thought we should emphasize that in his name.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Thanks for the - unsolicited naming advice for children I don't have?
/ T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! NO WORRIES. / Utahraptor: Okay, what if I had a son...WHO WAS ALSO A DOG?
/ T-Rex: Nice try, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: You're trying to trip me up here but I'm ALSO rad at dog names; your dog will be named after the Star Trek physician and be called "Doctor McCoy".
/ Utahraptor: That's a bit rand-
/ T-Rex: "Bones" for short.
/ T-Rex & Utahraptor: NICE. / T-Rex: If nobody else will say it, I will!
/ T-Rex: THAT WAS AN EXTREMELY EXCELLENT NAME FOR A DOG. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1630 |
| a DELETED SCENE had T-Rex going to Tiny Towne Island to help name Mr. Tusks' hypothetical son, one Tiny Tusks, Junior. | T-Rex: I don't have a son, but if I did, I'd have no idea what to name him. / T-Rex: But I've got great names for everyone else's hypothetical sons! / T-Rex: For example, Dromiceiomimus, if YOU had a son, a great name for him would be DromiceioHEmus. Eh? ...Since he's a man, I thought we should emphasize that in his name.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Thanks for the - unsolicited naming advice for children I don't have?
/ T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! NO WORRIES. / Utahraptor: Okay, what if I had a son...WHO WAS ALSO A DOG?
/ T-Rex: Nice try, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: You're trying to trip me up here but I'm ALSO rad at dog names; your dog will be named after the Star Trek physician and be called "Doctor McCoy".
/ Utahraptor: That's a bit rand-
/ T-Rex: "Bones" for short.
/ T-Rex & Utahraptor: NICE. / T-Rex: If nobody else will say it, I will!
/ T-Rex: THAT WAS AN EXTREMELY EXCELLENT NAME FOR A DOG. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1630 |
| this is the second time i've done the ol' "top three panels are thoughts from the bottom three panels" thing. that is because i am a COMIC ARTIST. not sure how those two thoughts are related, actually | ((Thought Bubble Scene 1))
/ T-Rex: "Why hello there, Utahraptor, great to see you! I meant to mention: I borrowed your shovel. I meant to mention it before but you weren't around and I was certain you wouldn't mind! I just completely forgot to return it." / ((Thought Bubble Scene 2))
/ T-Rex: "I'm really glad I didn't lie about this, Utahraptor!" / ((Thought Bubble Scene 3))
/ T-Rex: "I think that if I had, I'd spend the rest of the day wondering why I'd lie about something so -- IRRELEVANT. What's wrong with me? And confessing would also seem weird, because none of us would even know why I lied in the first place. I'd have to sneak the shovel back, I guess. Or destroy it?
/ Dromiceiomimus: I'm sure he'd forgive you.
/ T-Rex: I'M just glad I avoided this whole ridiculous situation!" / [[T-Rex thinks of Scene 1]]
/ Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, did you borrow my shovel?
/ T-Rex: Nope! / [[T-Rex thinks of Scene 2]]
/ Utahraptor: Oh, that's weird. It's disappeared from my back yard, I was hoping maybe you'd borrowed it.
/ T-Rex: ...Weird. Maybe someone else borrowed it?
/ Utahraptor: Huh. I don't know who else it could be. / [[T-Rex thinks of Scene 3]]
/ T-Rex: maaaaaan http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1632 |
| INFORMATION; THIS IS A COMIC ABOUT SEASPEAK; OUT. | T-Rex: Who here wants to learn a new language by breakfast? Any takers? ...No? / T-Rex: What if I told you it was the LANGUAGE OF THE SEA?? / Dromiceiomimus: Ah yes, seaspeak, otherwise known as the Standard Marine Communication Phrases! A set of simple English words and phrases, designed to facilitate communication on the open seas between speakers of disparate languages, where otherwise it might be difficult or impossible!
/ T-Rex: You -- you know it?
/ Dromiceiomimus: Answer; yes. Over. / Utahraptor: So what's the language like?
/ T-Rex: Man, you should be talking to Dromiceiomimus! / T-Rex: But, it's this tiny super-simplified phrase-focused English. And there's only one way to say each thing! There's no "I dunno dude", just "No information." And if you've got a mysterious problem on the open sea, you know how you say that? "I have problems."
/ Utahraptor: Adorable! / T-Rex: I KNOW! I feel like, thanks to "I have problems", I have unintentionally spoken the language of the sea many a time.
/ T-Rex: Yarrrr. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1633 |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 >>