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if you think panel four is the exact panel where i lost interest in the "internet never forgets" premise, you are wrong, it is the exact panel where i cut the rest of the comic and rewrote it because it was helluva terrible T-Rex: You know who never forgets? / T-Rex: THE FRIGGIN' INTERNET. / T-Rex: Time was, you could tell a lie and then you'd be able to forget about it after a few weeks! But NOW when you lie on the internet you have to remember the lie forever! It's enough to make me say "Man, screw you, internet!!" It's enough to make me put down the newspaper, fold it in two, smooth down any wrinkles, peer over my glasses and say "Screw the TCP/IP protocol AND all seven layers of the network stack". / Utahraptor: Reading a newspaper makes you an authority on network architecture? / T-Rex: Heck if I know, dude! / T-Rex: But you can't deny that when I described myself doing that, there wasn't a little voice in your head saying "Wow, this guy knows the score. Man. We should give him money." / Utahraptor: I can and do deny it! / T-Rex: Wait! I think he's your conscience, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: I - I think I can hear him; it sounds like he's saying something. It sounds like - "T-Rex should have all the money in our wallet, that is called ETHICS."? / Utahraptor: You were talking about the internet...? / T-Rex: Utahraptor now he's saying he likes me better!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1694
if you think panel four is the exact panel where i lost interest in the "internet never forgets" premise, you are wrong, it is the exact panel where i cut the rest of the comic and rewrote it because it was helluva terrible T-Rex: You know who never forgets? / T-Rex: THE FRIGGIN' INTERNET. / T-Rex: Time was, you could tell a lie and then you'd be able to forget about it after a few weeks! But NOW when you lie on the internet you have to remember the lie forever! It's enough to make me say "Man, screw you, internet!!" It's enough to make me put down the newspaper, fold it in two, smooth down any wrinkles, peer over my glasses and say "Screw the TCP/IP protocol AND all seven layers of the network stack". / Utahraptor: Reading a newspaper makes you an authority on network architecture? / T-Rex: Heck if I know, dude! / T-Rex: But you can't deny that when I described myself doing that, there wasn't a little voice in your head saying "Wow, this guy knows the score. Man. We should give him money." / Utahraptor: I can and do deny it! / T-Rex: Wait! I think he's your conscience, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: I - I think I can hear him; it sounds like he's saying something. It sounds like - "T-Rex should have all the money in our wallet, that is called ETHICS."? / Utahraptor: You were talking about the internet...? / T-Rex: Utahraptor now he's saying he likes me better!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1694
it matches up so well that i'm kinda wondering if old-school vampire stories weren't really just jerks picking on the local OCD kid who only came out at night. T-Rex: Okay, so I did some reading into vampires. Vampires are not that awesome, but on the other hand they're actually kinda wicked awesome because they're the only fictional beings with a canonical mental disorder! / T-Rex: Obsessive-compulsive disorder, you guys! / T-Rex: Let's go over vampire facts, shall we? Vampires won't enter your house until they are specifically invited. Obsessive-compulsive? CHECK. If you throw poppy seeds on the grave of a vampire, you'll be safe because they'll be up all night counting the seeds instead of biting you! OCD? / T-Rex: My friends, that is an ULTRA-CHECK. / Utahraptor: Well, I'm not sure if - / T-Rex: If you're being chased by a vampire, cross a bridge! / T-Rex: THEY WON'T CROSS RUNNING WATER. / Utahraptor: Okay, that is kinda compulsive. / T-Rex: They have oddly specific sleep needs AND an irrational fear of certain foods. They're totally OCD, Utahraptor, and knowing this makes it really easy to deduce NEW vampire facts and weaknesses! / T-Rex: If you don't want a vampire to bite you, touch a subway pole when they're watching you, then rub your hands all over your neck! / T-Rex: Hold on, that - / T-Rex: - that one works on pretty much everybody.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1695
before you, a shirt that says "IF YOU WERE ME, YOU COULD LOOK DOWN THE FRONT OF YOUR SHIRT AND SEE A REALLY DISTORTED VIEW OF MY BODY". on the back is printed "(JEALOUS??)". T-Rex: The clothing you wear influences how others perceive you. If it doesn't declare who you are, it at least declares who you want to be perceived as! / T-Rex: I- I think I finally understand fashion. / Dromiceiomimus: These, um, aren't very deep insights, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Man, they are for me! I thought fashion was ridiculous because when things go out of style you're left with, I don't know, a cute little skirt you can't wear anymore. That happens, right? And it seemed wasteful and irrational, but now I get it: you no longer like the reaction OTHERS have to the skirt, and thus, it no longer represents YOU. / T-Rex: And I can totally use this knowledge to design my OWN clothes. / Utahraptor: Clothes that speak of identity? / T-Rex: Exactly! Pants that say "I am a successful person!" Shirts that say "IN A FEW YEARS I'LL HAVE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN WHAT I DID TODAY". Cuff-links that say "Life is a precious gift (WHAT the HELL am I DOING)". / Utahraptor: These seem to be getting more and more depressing. / T-Rex: I don't know what's wrong!! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I managed to pull it out with the best shirt design EVER. It appeals to everyone who has ever worn clothes. / Utahraptor: What's it say? / T-Rex: "THERE / now I'm not naked anymore"??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1696
before you, a shirt that says "IF YOU WERE ME, YOU COULD LOOK DOWN THE FRONT OF YOUR SHIRT AND SEE A REALLY DISTORTED VIEW OF MY BODY". on the back is printed "(JEALOUS??)". T-Rex: The clothing you wear influences how others perceive you. If it doesn't declare who you are, it at least declares who you want to be perceived as! / T-Rex: I- I think I finally understand fashion. / Dromiceiomimus: These, um, aren't very deep insights, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Man, they are for me! I thought fashion was ridiculous because when things go out of style you're left with, I don't know, a cute little skirt you can't wear anymore. That happens, right? And it seemed wasteful and irrational, but now I get it: you no longer like the reaction OTHERS have to the skirt, and thus, it no longer represents YOU. / T-Rex: And I can totally use this knowledge to design my OWN clothes. / Utahraptor: Clothes that speak of identity? / T-Rex: Exactly! Pants that say "I am a successful person!" Shirts that say "IN A FEW YEARS I'LL HAVE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN WHAT I DID TODAY". Cuff-links that say "Life is a precious gift (WHAT the HELL am I DOING)". / Utahraptor: These seem to be getting more and more depressing. / T-Rex: I don't know what's wrong!! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I managed to pull it out with the best shirt design EVER. It appeals to everyone who has ever worn clothes. / Utahraptor: What's it say? / T-Rex: "THERE / now I'm not naked anymore"??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1696
this thought experiment just got way too awesome T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a brilliant scientist named Mary! Guys, Mary had her own problems. / T-Rex: She was born with a disease where she only saw in black and white! / T-Rex: Also, she's spent her entire life in single black-and-white room equipped with a black-and-white computer screen. Despite this she's still super successful, and has learnt each and every piece of the physical information there is to learn about the neurophysiology of vision! She knows EVERYTHING about how colour works, how light interacts with the eye, and so on. / T-Rex: Good work, Mary! / Utahraptor: And then one day doctors cure her disease and let her out of the room! / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex And the question is: when she first looks up at a beautiful blue sky and actually experiences colour for the first time - does she learn anything new? / Utahraptor: I don't know, I just wanted to release Mary from the prison you'd built for her. Later, she finds a great partner and is super happy! / T-Rex: What? No! She's still not sure if seeing colour helped - / Utahraptor: She interrupts that thought to say the whole room thing was a dream, and reminds herself that she's really an astronaut! From the FUTURE. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: ... Go on
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1697
this comic was inspired by a dude joey and i saw yesterday. he was walking his cat. he'd walk a bit, the cat behind him would catch up, and then they'd walk some more. i didn't know you could walk a cat, but this dude PROVED US WRONG. T-Rex: In the 60s the CIA was experimenting with cats. They were making spy cats! / T-Rex: SPY CATS, you guys! / T-Rex: But rather than giving cats adorable little matching suits and attach? cases, WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME, they instead cut one open, implanted a battery and a microphone, and turned his tail into an antenna. / Dromiceiomimus: A primitive cyborg? / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: The plan was that the cat could listen in on sensitive conversations completely unnoticed! / Utahraptor: Did it work? / T-Rex: Well, they spent over five years and fifteen million dollars on it, but in the first and only field test Cyborgocat wandered onto the street, got run over by a cab, and was killed instantly. / Utahraptor: Ouch. / T-Rex: And then the project was dismantled. / T-Rex: It was a lot of money wasted, HOWEVER the project was named "Operation Acoustic Kitty", which is ADORABLE. The moral of the story is this: whoever was in charge of naming secret CIA projects in the 60s was doing their job super well! / T-Rex: THE END.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1698
this comic was inspired by a dude joey and i saw yesterday. he was walking his cat. he'd walk a bit, the cat behind him would catch up, and then they'd walk some more. i didn't know you could walk a cat, but this dude PROVED US WRONG. T-Rex: In the 60s the CIA was experimenting with cats. They were making spy cats! / T-Rex: SPY CATS, you guys! / T-Rex: But rather than giving cats adorable little matching suits and attach? cases, WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME, they instead cut one open, implanted a battery and a microphone, and turned his tail into an antenna. / Dromiceiomimus: A primitive cyborg? / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: The plan was that the cat could listen in on sensitive conversations completely unnoticed! / Utahraptor: Did it work? / T-Rex: Well, they spent over five years and fifteen million dollars on it, but in the first and only field test Cyborgocat wandered onto the street, got run over by a cab, and was killed instantly. / Utahraptor: Ouch. / T-Rex: And then the project was dismantled. / T-Rex: It was a lot of money wasted, HOWEVER the project was named "Operation Acoustic Kitty", which is ADORABLE. The moral of the story is this: whoever was in charge of naming secret CIA projects in the 60s was doing their job super well! / T-Rex: THE END.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1698
 
i said to joey comeau, "what is the best date?" and he said "boobs." joey comeau, ladies and gentlemen. he lives in my roof. Narrator: HOW TO ASK SOMEONE OUT ON A DATE / T-Rex: Asking folks out is EASY. But first, you need to find someone you find super attractive! / T-Rex: CHECK. / T-Rex: And now that you've met me, you need to figure out what I'm into. Come up with something I can't resist! Do I like movies? Dancing? Eating burgers until I've eaten ALL the burgers? / Dromoceiomimus: T-Rex, do you want to go out with me this weekend? I thought we could go on a hot air balloon ride, eat all the burgers, and then PARACHUTE OUR WAY HOME. / T-Rex: YES. / T-Rex: Holy crap YES. / T-Rex: This is what I'm talking about!! This is going to be the best date ever IN TIME. / Utahraptor: It may be illegal though! / T-Rex: Man, who's going to catch us? There's no such thing as SKY POLICE, Utahraptor. Laws don't extend more than 100 meters off the ground anyway. / Utahraptor: Sometimes I wonder where you get your facts from. Discredited children's books? That's my current theory. / Utahraptor: ...Is it discredited children's books? / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Dear audio diary! You know what? / T-Rex: The best dates are the ones where, even if you get arrested, you're still totally gonna do it again.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1699
Guess how many times I wrote "Picard" in this comic when I meant to write "Piccard"! If you guessed "every" then you have won this game T-Rex: The problem with trying to achieve immortality by setting a world record is that there's always going to be someone better than you! If I eat 50 burgers, some chump will eventually eat 51! / T-Rex: And though I never thought I'd say it, fifty-one is just TOO MANY BURGERS. / T-Rex: What I need is a world record that can never be beaten. / Utahraptor: You could be the first to do something! / T-Rex: Yeah, but all the GOOD firsts have been taken; all that's left are the duds! I don't want to be the first person to be kissed by a horse who really means it.. / T-Rex: I - I just DON'T. / Utahraptor: You should've been Jacques Piccard or Don Walsh! / T-Rex: What'd they do? / Utahraptor: They made the first voyage to the very deepest part of the ocean, the Challenger Deep. It's a first, but it's also a FARTHEST, as these guys went literally as deep as you can go on Earth. It's a record that only be tied, not beaten! / T-Rex: ...You could dig a hole. / T-Rex: What? All I'm saying is it's conceivable that one day someone will go to the bottom on the ocean, dig a hole, and sit in their ship in that hole for a while! / T-Rex: The future sparkles with possibility, UTAHRAPTOR
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1700
if you are about to argue that a story can be made worse by the addition of a robot suit, i would advise you to first ask yourself, "is what i am about to argue EVEN POSSIBLE??" T-Rex: My new book is a collection of fairy tales. / T-Rex: A collection of SCIENCE FICTION fairy tales, that is!! / T-Rex: For example, Cinderella is exactly as it was before, only now Prince Charming has access to an advanced computer SO AMAZING that parts of it can exist only in hyperspace! / Dromiceiomimus: And he uses it to find his true love? / T-Rex: What? No, he doesn't know how to use it. I told you, the plot is exactly as it was before. This awesome stuff is all in the background! / T-Rex: And in Little Red Riding Hood, there's robot suits! / Utahraptor: Used to fight the wolf? / T-Rex: How old is Little Red Riding Hood, like, four? Six? She wouldn't know how to operate one. Besides, their interiors are scaled for adults. No, she proceeds as she normally does. / Utahraptor: These sound really bad. / T-Rex: Hello? Bad is the new totally totally sweet! / T-Rex: I call my tales, "Stories to Make You Say 'Why Don't These Characters Just Use A Phaser, Man, There's Clearly A Phaser In The Background There'" / T-Rex: The subtitle is "Look At It, I Think It's The Kind From Star Trek"!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1701
if you are about to argue that a story can be made worse by the addition of a robot suit, i would advise you to first ask yourself, "is what i am about to argue EVEN POSSIBLE??" T-Rex: My new book is a collection of fairy tales. / T-Rex: A collection of SCIENCE FICTION fairy tales, that is!! / T-Rex: For example, Cinderella is exactly as it was before, only now Prince Charming has access to an advanced computer SO AMAZING that parts of it can exist only in hyperspace! / Dromiceiomimus: And he uses it to find his true love? / T-Rex: What? No, he doesn't know how to use it. I told you, the plot is exactly as it was before. This awesome stuff is all in the background! / T-Rex: And in Little Red Riding Hood, there's robot suits! / Utahraptor: Used to fight the wolf? / T-Rex: How old is Little Red Riding Hood, like, four? Six? She wouldn't know how to operate one. Besides, their interiors are scaled for adults. No, she proceeds as she normally does. / Utahraptor: These sound really bad. / T-Rex: Hello? Bad is the new totally totally sweet! / T-Rex: I call my tales, "Stories to Make You Say 'Why Don't These Characters Just Use A Phaser, Man, There's Clearly A Phaser In The Background There'" / T-Rex: The subtitle is "Look At It, I Think It's The Kind From Star Trek"!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1701
panel four is unusual in that the dialogue you're supposed to read first is at the right side of the panel, but the comic works no matter which order you read that panel's dialogue in. this is because i am a MASTER WORDSMITH WRITING INTERNET GUY DUDE T-Rex: In cartoons, when you're really smart, your head gets ginormous. / T-Rex: Pretty sweet deal, my friends! / T-Rex: I would love it if there were outward indicators of being a super genius. I would love it if when someone said "Is there a super genius in the room?", as folks are wont to do, I could just point to my GIANT THROBBING VEINY HEAD and raise one eyebrow. / Utahraptor: And then what? / T-Rex: They'd say "Thanks for answering my question!" / T-Rex: They'd say "I just wanted to know who was the smartest", and then they'd go on to say "I'm really glad to find out that you are thew smartest, T-Rex." / Utahraptor: I feel like I'm reading T-Rex fan fiction, written by T-Rex. / T-Rex: And does it feel like COMING HOME?? / T-Rex: Does it feel like the first taste of a homecooked meal after days of terrible fast food? Does it feel like pulling on a favourite sweater, the smell of fabric comforting you in a way that you can BARELY EVEN EXPLAIN?? / T-Rex: ...Because if so, maybe we should TALK
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1702
dude, my nostalgia's so deep that mine canaries are dying of old age before they reach the bottom of it T-Rex: Today is the day I move into a new house! But it's also the day I say goodbye to the old place, where I've lived for years and years. I feel like someone slipped me a nostalgia-sauce sandwich! / T-Rex: A nostalgia-sauce sandwich of FREEBASED NOSTALGIA PILLS. / Dromiceiomimus: By which I take it you're nostalgic already? / T-Rex: Dude, my nostalgia's so deep that KIERKEGAARD'S still struggling through chapter one. Check it: when I move out, not only am I leaving behind the place, but I'm also leaving behind who I was when I lived there. But since I haven't moved out yet, that's still who I am right now! Somehow, Dromiceiomimus, I've developed nostalgia for myself! / Utahraptor: But you'll always have memories, both of past/currently present you and of the place! / T-Rex: Hah! MEMORIES. / T-Rex: All the memories I have - both of the place and of myself when I lived there - cannot help but to fade and alter with time, becoming truncated, inconsistent, impressionary... / Utahraptor: I suppose when you break it down that way, you are leaving behind quite a bit. / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: Anyway the place got flooded with cold sewage so whatever
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1703
 
the thing with blood pudding is that it's hard to make it better/worse. it's already cooked blood, held by skin in sausage form. UPDATE: it is also tasty friggin' times T-Rex: Ah yes, a new move, a new house! A new beginning, another chance to - / Raccoons/Cephalopods: HELLO NEIGHBOUR! / Raccoons/Cephalopods: WE MOVED TOO BECAUSE / Raccoons/Cephalopods: WE MISSED YOUR SCENT / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Well, I'm not sure what I was expecting. Oh wait, yes I do! I WAS EXPECTING TO LEAVE MY INCREDIBLY CREEPY RACOONO-CEPHALOPOD NEIGHBOURS BEHIND. They followed me, Dromiceiomimus! THEY moved to the place next to MY new place! / Dromiceiomimus: Aww! That's adorable! / T-Rex: IT'S NOT ADORABLE. / Utahraptor: It's kinda adorable! / T-Rex: You know what's adorable? PUPPIES. Not nimble-handed scavengers who EAT LIFE, not multi-armed sea-dwelling cannibals bringing their intellects, vast and cool and unsympathetic, wholly and singularly to bear on the problem of CREEPING ME THE HECK OUT. / Utahraptor: I like 'em. / Narrator: LATER: / Raccoons/Cephalopods: WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD, T-REX! WE BROUGHT YOU SOME PUDDING / T-Rex: What - what kind of pudding? / Raccoons/Cephalopods: IT'S SORT OF LIKE BLOOD PUDDING BUT ON TOP OF THE BLOOD WE ADDED - / Raccoons/Cephalopods: - WELL, YOU'LL SEE
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1704
Emily Horne and Joey Comeau and Kate Beaton are all staying with me so it is Canadian Cartoonist House. Last night at Canadian Cartoonist House we made Canadian Cartoonist Tacos and they were really good. I - I thought you should know T-Rex: Here's a story! I moved away from my creepy raccoon and cephalopod neighbours, but they moved next door to my new place anyway. The moral of the story is, "You can't run away from your friggin' problems"! / T-Rex: Or - or it's "You can run away from your friggin' problems, but they'll follow you!" / Dromiceiomimus: If your problems are sentient, anyway. / T-Rex: Right, the moral of this story is "You can run away from your friggin' problems, but if they're sentient, they'll follow you!" / Utahraptor: Well, they have to be mobile too! / T-Rex: RIGHT. / T-Rex: Ok, how about "It may be possible to run away from your problems, but under some circumstances - including but not limeted to sentient, mobile friggin' problems - they'll follow you." / Uthahtaptor: Perfect. / T-Rex: A compelling moral for our time! / Narrator: LATER, IN T-REX'S BATHROOM: / Neighbour: T-REX, MAYBE THE MORAL IS "WE'RE STILL WAITING TO HAVE OUR CONVERSATION ABOUT THE NATURE OCONSENT". / T-Rex: ... / Neighbour: ALSO SOMEBODY'S IN HERE / Neighbour: DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO KNOCK?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1705
today is the day to accomplish some golly gosh-darned goals T-Rex: Alright man! Today is the day to accomplish some friggin' GOALS. Today is the day to achieve ALL the goalsets!! / HOURS LATER: / T-Rex: Frig, maybe today's the day to play eighty billion games of solitaire instead! / T-Rex: How do you tell? How do you know if today is the day to be Captain Achievement or if it's the day to be Captain Maybe Someone Has Sent Me A New Email, Still No Huh, serving proudly under Commodore I've Finally Been Able To Convince Myself That Minesweeper Is Actually Fun, Wow Suddenly I Feel So Much Closer To Death? / T-Rex: Proud officers all! / Utahraptor: You're assuming that a day is predestined to be one of these days! / T-Rex: Perhaps! / T-Rex: You think I should be serving under Air Marshal Today Is What You Make Of It? / Utahraptor: Sure. Sign up to serve with Petty Officer Why Are We Giving Our Opinions Stupid Military Ranks Anyway. / T-Rex: Way ahead of you, Utahraptor!! / T-Rex: Wait... "STUPID military ranks"? Brigadier General I Thought We Were Friends, Utahraptor!! / T-Rex: Okay wait suddenly I see your point
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1706
you thought it was just a regular thursday didn't you? YOU THOUGHT WRONG. that'll be your epitaph: "here lies [you]: THEY THOUGHT WRONG." EPITAPH THURSDAY / T-Rex: Oh heck! Epitaph Thursday AGAIN?? / T-Rex: Ahem. / T-Rex: "Here lies T-Rex! SURROUNDED BY HIS VICTIMS." / T-Rex: That one's awesome because it suggests that EVERYONE ELSE IN THE GRAVEYARD was murdered by me, Dromiceiomimus! The best gravestones, AS YOU KNOW, are the ones that totally mess up everyone else's gravestones. / Dromiceiomimus: How about "Here lies T-Rex / He left the world the way he entered it: / Covered in yolk." / T-Rex: We ARE born in eggs!! / Utahraptor: "Here lies T-Rex! He died as he lived ..." / T-Rex: "... Go on!" / Utahraptor: Um. "Eventually"? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! Epitaph Thursday is about EXCELLENT EPITAPHS. You need to get your head in the game!! / Utahraptor: Okay okay: "Here lies T-Rex / Or at least his body / We found it over there" / T-Rex: Hello!! That is THE WORST EPITAPH. / Utahraptor: "Here lies T-Rex / Where he's going, he won't need ... roads." / T-Rex: ...! / T-Rex: oh my god YES
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1707
joey has an ipad, and the best part of the ipad is that it works no matter how you hold it, so often when i see joey using the ipad he's ended up holding it upside down and it looks like he's just PRETENDING to know how to read. joey comeau, ladies and g T-Rex: Time for some ... / T-Rex: ... REVEALING PERSONAL TRUTHS ABOUT OURSELVES! / T-Rex: You go first, Dromiceiomimus. / Dromiceiomimus: No, I don't think I'll be revealing any personal truths about myself today. / T-Rex: DROMICEIOMIMUS! That hardly seems sporting! / T-Rex: Alright, you go then, Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: Nope! / Utahraptor: Pretty sure I'm not sharing any revealing personal truths about myself either. / T-Rex: Fine! FINE. I'll be the only one revealing personal truths today. Are you ready for some factual truth bombs? HERE THEY FRIGGIN' COME! / T-Rex: *ahem* / T-Rex: my friends disappoint me SOMETIMES
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1708
 
the universe could also be shaped like a giant thumbs up, but nobody wants to research that. confession corner: okay there may ACTUALLY be thumbs-up universe papers, i have totally never looked T-Rex: Anybody want to trip balls today? Because I am willing to TRIP BALLS. I am willing to trip ALL the balls. / T-Rex: So check it! when we look out into space we can see galaxies and so on, and these are really far away! And light's fast but it still takes time to reach us, so the light from distant stars we're seeing is OLD - sometimes millions, billions of years old! When we look up into the night sky, we are literally looking into the PAST. / Dromiceiomimus: This is an old fact, T-Rex! I'm barely tripping ANY balls right now. / T-Rex: Okay, but the universe could be shaped like a sphere! / Utahraptor: Right! / T-Rex: Which means it could be possible for light to CIRCUMNAVIGATE THE FRIGGIN' UNIVERSE. And if that's possible then some distant galaxies we're observing could really be DUPLICATE IMAGES of other galaxies, formed by incredibly ancient light that's already lapped the Universe once! / Utahraptor: Wouldn't we be able to tell? / T-Rex: How? Billions of years could've passed! Will you recognize yourself a billion years from now?? / T-Rex: I will, on account of how I will still be TRIPPING ALL THE BALLS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1709
sometimes when i write email text for the comic i talk myself up so then when people write me it looks like THEY'RE talking me up instead. not an apology, just an observation T-Rex: Man, Dromiceiomimus, what if we were married? / T-Rex: Things would be so WEIRD! / Dromiceiomimus: Not really, T-Rex. We'd still be the same people! / T-Rex: Sure, but it's weird to imagine us married and acting exactly the same as we do now. I only see you once a day and then I'm off to talk to someone else - what does that say about our marriage?? / Dromiceiomimus: That we're comfortable leading our own lives? / T-Rex: I still think it's weird to imagine marrying someone you already know! / Utahraptor: I do too! / Utahraptor: But it can be useful: if your reaction is "no way that person and I could be married!" then you examine why you feel that way, and by doing so tease apart what you think is important in a marriage! / T-Rex: INTERESTING. Utahraptor, we can't be married because... / Utahraptor: ...yes? / T-Rex: ...because your hugs are not of the quality to which I've become accustomed OH GOD I'M SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YEARS AGO BUT THEY ARE TRULY NOT UP TO SNUFF
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1710
alright hole, king midas has donkey's ears, don't tell ANYONE T-Rex: Did you know you can just walk into a bank and BUY a safety deposit box? I'm as excited as if I found out you can walk into the FBI and just BUY a robot suit that also turns into a submarine plane tank. / T-Rex: That is to say, BASICALLY PRETTY EXCITED I GUESS! / Dromiceiomimus: Why are you so excited about this, T-Rex? It's just a box kept at the bank. / T-Rex: Um, it's just a box kept at the bank that only I can access, IN A PRIVATE ROOM, and whose contents are kept secret EVEN FROM THE BANK ITSELF! That's awesome. That may well be the ceiling on how awesome it's possible for a box to be. Plus, you can put secrets in it! / Utahraptor: What sort of secrets? / T-Rex: ALL the secrets! / T-Rex: I'm excited that I can write down all my secrets and stuff them into a box at the bank, and I really don't know why you guys are having so much trouble getting on board with this. SECRETS in a box. / T-Rex: ... I'm getting one. / Narrator: LATER, AT THE BANK: / T-Rex: FORTY DOLLARS? / T-Rex: But I can whisper my secrets into a hole in the ground for FREE
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1711
alright hole, king midas has donkey's ears, don't tell ANYONE T-Rex: Did you know you can just walk into a bank and BUY a safety deposit box? I'm as excited as if I found out you can walk into the FBI and just BUY a robot suit that also turns into a submarine plane tank. / T-Rex: That is to say, BASICALLY PRETTY EXCITED I GUESS! / Dromiceiomimus: Why are you so excited about this, T-Rex? It's just a box kept at the bank. / T-Rex: Um, it's just a box kept at the bank that only I can access, IN A PRIVATE ROOM, and whose contents are kept secret EVEN FROM THE BANK ITSELF! That's awesome. That may well be the ceiling on how awesome it's possible for a box to be. Plus, you can put secrets in it! / Utahraptor: What sort of secrets? / T-Rex: ALL the secrets! / T-Rex: I'm excited that I can write down all my secrets and stuff them into a box at the bank, and I really don't know why you guys are having so much trouble getting on board with this. SECRETS in a box. / T-Rex: ... I'm getting one. / Narrator: LATER, AT THE BANK: / T-Rex: FORTY DOLLARS? / T-Rex: But I can whisper my secrets into a hole in the ground for FREE
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1711
okay, fine, i'm sorry. here's an email with a png file attached; we cool? OKAY, FINE, I'M SORRY / a web card / Okay okay here it is: / I'm sorry! / Well, I'M not sorry, but the sender of this card is sorry. To you. For whatever he or she has done, or didn't do, or didn't do enough, or did too many times, or whatever - this is their way of saying "Look: sorrys ahoy." / And they're not just sorry about whatever the most recent slight was, either! / They're not? / Nope! / The sender of this card apologizes for all previous faults, real or perceived, as well as any future faults that may or may not occur. This is it. This is the ultimate apology, and it's retroactive, contemporaneous, AND preemptive. / Never has there been a more vast and yet totally sincere apology! / Oh also! Reading this indicates irrevocable tacit acceptance of this apology and your consent that you'll never expect or demand an apology from the sender of this card for anything ever again. / Allow me to just say: HOORAY FOR WEB CARDS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1712
you're such a great friend / maybe we should be kissing YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT FRIEND / maybe we should be kissing / a web card / T-Rex: Hey! Okay, this is maybe awkward but the sender of this card thinks you are a REALLY great friend, and he or she likes you very much, and here's the thing, maybe you should be kissing each other. / T-Rex: I'm just throwing that out there. Maybe it's time to gently press some lips together. / Utahraptor: Maybe it's time to not ruin the relationship. / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR! / T-Rex: THAT is an opinion for another card, perhaps one labelled "So Um, I'm Assuming You Want To Keep This Friendship Platonic?" / Utahraptor: Can we make that card? / T-Rex: NO. / T-Rex: Actually, yes, but on the inside it has to say "SERIOUSLY??" / T-Rex: Anyway! Dear card recipient, I have a message for you! It reads: "It's time for us to smooch up a storm, and OH CRAP, we're right in the middle of HURRICANE ALLEY." / T-Rex: "... Assuming you're down with smooching me, I mean." / T-Rex" Let me know, you've got my email address"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1713
 
i've got 2words4u: what now Narrator: 9 AM: / T-Rex: I've got two words for you, world! / T-Rex: ROCK. ON. / Narrator: 10 AM: / T-Rex: I've got two words for you, Dromiceiomimus! / Dromiceiomimus: ...Yes? / T-Rex: I'm sorry. / Narrator: 12 PM: / T-Rex: I've got two words for you! / Utahraptor: ...Yes? / T-Rex: Hello, Utah-raptor! / Narrator: 8 PM: / T-Rex: I've got two words for you! / Utahraptor: Again? / T-Rex: Yep, again! / T-Rex: Wait, those weren't supposed to be my two words! / Utahraptor: You messed up! / T-Rex: I messed up!! / Narrator: 11 PM: / T-Rex: I've got two words for you, self! / T-Rex: Maybetomorrowyoucould Tryaccomplishingmoreconcretegoals!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1714
i've got 2words4u: what now Narrator: 9 AM: / T-Rex: I've got two words for you, world! / T-Rex: ROCK. ON. / Narrator: 10 AM: / T-Rex: I've got two words for you, Dromiceiomimus! / Dromiceiomimus: ...Yes? / T-Rex: I'm sorry. / Narrator: 12 PM: / T-Rex: I've got two words for you! / Utahraptor: ...Yes? / T-Rex: Hello, Utah-raptor! / Narrator: 8 PM: / T-Rex: I've got two words for you! / Utahraptor: Again? / T-Rex: Yep, again! / T-Rex: Wait, those weren't supposed to be my two words! / Utahraptor: You messed up! / T-Rex: I messed up!! / Narrator: 11 PM: / T-Rex: I've got two words for you, self! / T-Rex: Maybetomorrowyoucould Tryaccomplishingmoreconcretegoals!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1714
anyone who's immortal and reading my comic is just rolling their eyes saying "yes, yes, get on with it, this is not relevant to my interests at ALL" T-Rex: Let's assume, JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT, than in my remaining 50 years or however long it is I have left, I fail to become immortal. / T-Rex: That implies I've got a finite number of days left! / T-Rex: And THAT implies that I've got to make these days count. It implies that every day is a race against mortality, and even though I'm doomed to lose this race, second place isn't so bad. / Dromiceiomimus: Second place is first loser, T-Rex. / T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus (in unison): NO FEAR / Utahraptor: What are you gonna do to secure a respectable second place? / T-Rex: Same thing I'm already doing, man! / T-Rex: Hanging out with friends, trying to make things rad and myself EVEN MORE AWESOME whenever possible, and, OCCASIONALLY, smooching people who are so ATTRACTIVE I kinda can't even believe it. I want to be able to look back on my life and say... / Utahraptor: ...yes? / T-Rex: Um... "neat"? / T-Rex: "I never DID find out where I left my keys"? / Utahraptor: "Oh crap, her name is 'Emily' , I've been calling her 'Dromiceiomimus' "? / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: ... SERIOUSLY??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1715
a new way of using the panels! i will call this panel layout, "the one in which dromiceiomimus recalls for 66.66% of the comic the reason why she's so cheesed". T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus! Or should I say. . . EMILY?? / T-Rex: Because for some reason I totally believe that's your name! / T-rex: Even though we're super close and I've known you for years and years, it seems PERFECTLY REASONABLE to me that you'd have a name you never told me. PS: I am an adult. / Utahraptor: Hey, you're not actually calling Dromiceiomimus "Emily" are you? / T-Rex: DUDE. / / T-Rex: That's not her name! She was TOTES OFFENDED. / Utahraptor: I thought you knew I was joking! I thought you knew "Emily" 's not her name. / Utahraptor: . . . It's actually "Doctor Madame Frances Experimento, LLC." / T-Rex: INTERESTING. / T-rex: Guys, guys!! / T-Rex: Watch as I believe anything anyone tells me for at least ten minutes!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1716
a new way of using the panels! i will call this panel layout, "the one in which dromiceiomimus recalls for 66.66% of the comic the reason why she's so cheesed". T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus! Or should I say. . . EMILY?? / T-Rex: Because for some reason I totally believe that's your name! / T-rex: Even though we're super close and I've known you for years and years, it seems PERFECTLY REASONABLE to me that you'd have a name you never told me. PS: I am an adult. / Utahraptor: Hey, you're not actually calling Dromiceiomimus "Emily" are you? / T-Rex: DUDE. / / T-Rex: That's not her name! She was TOTES OFFENDED. / Utahraptor: I thought you knew I was joking! I thought you knew "Emily" 's not her name. / Utahraptor: . . . It's actually "Doctor Madame Frances Experimento, LLC." / T-Rex: INTERESTING. / T-rex: Guys, guys!! / T-Rex: Watch as I believe anything anyone tells me for at least ten minutes!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1716
utahraptor, do - do you ever feel like maybe our parents could've named us all more hilariously? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm sorry I thoguht your name was "Emily". / T-Rex: And then I'm sorry I thought it was "Doctor Madame Frances Experimento, LLC"! / Dromiceiomimus: It's okay, T-Rex. You misunderstood a joke, and I'm sorry I got so mad. / T-Rex: Thanks. I'm ALSO sorry I briefly believed it to be "Lady Coughington Coughtalot IV" before landing on the name "Professor Iamhun G. Forpork". / Dromiceiomimus: "Iamhun"...? / T-Rex: Yes, for you see, I was hungry at the time. / T-Rex: ...For, um, pork? / Utahraptor: Well, technically you were "hungee" at the time, not hungry! / T-Rex: True! / T-Rex: But it can be very difficult to convert states of being into plausible names, Utahraptor. / Utahraptor: Oh, have you met my friend, T-Rex? Idis A. Greeh? / T-Rex: I HAVE. / T-Rex: SHE IS QUITE CONTRARIAN. / Narrator: SHORTLY: / T-Rex: Wait, Utahraptor totally made up "Idis A. Greeh" to prove his point! / T-Rex: ...WHO THE HELL WAS I THINKING OF
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1717
utahraptor, do - do you ever feel like maybe our parents could've named us all more hilariously? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm sorry I thoguht your name was "Emily". / T-Rex: And then I'm sorry I thought it was "Doctor Madame Frances Experimento, LLC"! / Dromiceiomimus: It's okay, T-Rex. You misunderstood a joke, and I'm sorry I got so mad. / T-Rex: Thanks. I'm ALSO sorry I briefly believed it to be "Lady Coughington Coughtalot IV" before landing on the name "Professor Iamhun G. Forpork". / Dromiceiomimus: "Iamhun"...? / T-Rex: Yes, for you see, I was hungry at the time. / T-Rex: ...For, um, pork? / Utahraptor: Well, technically you were "hungee" at the time, not hungry! / T-Rex: True! / T-Rex: But it can be very difficult to convert states of being into plausible names, Utahraptor. / Utahraptor: Oh, have you met my friend, T-Rex? Idis A. Greeh? / T-Rex: I HAVE. / T-Rex: SHE IS QUITE CONTRARIAN. / Narrator: SHORTLY: / T-Rex: Wait, Utahraptor totally made up "Idis A. Greeh" to prove his point! / T-Rex: ...WHO THE HELL WAS I THINKING OF
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1717
every time i do a "secret of the medical profession" comic i like to imagine a cartoon doctor pulling of her mirror headset thing, throwing it on the ground, and then hopping up and down on it. that's not true, i like to imagine that at ANY ol' time T-Rex: What day of the week is it? IT'S NOT IMPORTANT, because all that matters is that today it's time for another... / T-Rex: SECRET of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! / T-Rex: Doctors have a difficult job: you come in with symptoms and you expect a diagnosis. And sometimes that's really hard! Hate to break it to you, Chuckles, but there's always the chance it's all in your head. / Dromiceiomimus: There's also the chance your symptoms represent a new and terrible disease unknown to medical science! / T-Rex: And in both these cases a doctor may feel pressured to come up with a reassuring label! / Utahraptor: So what do they do? / T-Rex: They MAKE IT UP! / T-Rex: It's called a wastebasket diagnosis: a disease with symptoms so broad as to be effectively meaningless. But it can do real good! Having a named disease can lower patient anxiety and even help alleviate symptoms! / Utahraptor: Diagnosis as therapy? / T-Rex: Exactly! It's like the placebo effect! / T-Rex: ...in that now that we know about it, IT CAN NEVER HELP US AGAIN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1718
 
sorry if i insulted any non-rad fathers out there :( Narrator: TIPS ON FATHERHOOD from a man who has never been a father / T-Rex: That's me, baby!! / T-Rex: If you're a father you need to be rad, okay?? / T-Rex: And then you need you [sic] make sure your child grows up to be EVEN RADDER THAN YOU, because that way we all get more rad as time goes on. And that's something we all can enjoy! / Dromiceiomimus: These aren't very practical tips, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Um, NAME ONE SITUATION IN WHICH RADNESS ISN'T PRACTICAL?? / Utahraptor: Let us say that we agree radness is practical in all situations. / T-Rex: Yes! LET US. / Utahraptor: But I think what Dromiceiomimus was getting at is if you're a father, being told to "be rad" isn't very pragmatic. Let's hear some clear, concise tips on how to be a rad father! How do we get to that finish line? / T-Rex: Oh-kay! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Okay! Utahraptor, you know those "#1 Dad" mugs? They make thousands of those. You can buy them in bulk. / Utahraptor [off-panel]: So? / T-Rex: So the only tip I've got is this! / T-Rex: DUE TO CONTINUAL MISMANAGEMENT, I'm not sure the award has any meaning left
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1719
after i wrote this comic i realized hummingbirds are basically like the movie "crank". that movie is way better than you probably think it is, but the sequel is way worse than you can ever imagine T-Rex: Hummingbirds have to eat their weight in nectar every day or they DIE. / T-Rex: Hummingbirds: The most BAD ASS ANIMAL?? / T-Rex: Oh wait, sorry, that whole "eat their weight in nectar" thing isn't actually true. They actually have to eat FIVE TIMES their weight in nectar every day or they die. That, my friends, is BAD to the ASS to the DEFINITELY TRUE. / T-Rex: Man, those guys are living the dream! If I even eat one time my weight I'm dead for sure. Stomach exploding disease, Dromiceiomimus. / Utahraptor: The downside is they're always a few hours away from starving to death. / T-Rex: That's even MORE badass! / T-Rex: If you've only got a few hours to live, then YOU, Utahraptor,are a bird with nothing left to lose. Holy Crap.You know those religions where you come back as different animals? / Utahraptor: . . . Yes? / T-Rex: Is there one where you get to choose your animal? 'Cause I'd be all over "hummingbird"! / T-Rex: Or "mecha-godzilla". / T-Rex: Or "a new sort of animal that's like a T-Rex except it can eat more and live forever". / T-Rex: *sigh*
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1720
6.0 * 10^-49 percent. scientific notation was invented after a good many years of zeros. t-rex is assuming a 6000kg t-rex body here, so your percentage is even smaller (um, PROBABLY???) T-Rex: The number of atoms in my body is probably around 6 x 10^29. That's a 6 followed by 29 zeroes. / T-Rex: Guys! / T-Rex: That's an awful lot of friggin' atoms! / T-Rex: But to compare, the number of atoms in the universe is EVEN MORE. Let's lowball it and it's at least 10^80: that's one followed by eighty zeroes! And that means that the percentage of the atoms in the universe that's ALL ME is... zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero / Dromiceiomimus: zero zero zero zero zero zero / T-Rex: zero / T-Rex: zero zero zero / Utahraptor: zero zero zero zero zero / Tiny woman: zero / T-Rex: zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero / Utahraptor: zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero / T-Rex: zero zero six! / T-Rex: ...which leads us nicely into to [sic] my new business card slogan: / T-Rex: NEVER HAS A FRACTION OF A PERCENT BEEN MORE IMPORTANT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1721
always really reluctant to remix a previous comic but in this case it involves burgers, and who doesn't never not dislike liking burgers?? T-Rex: The number of hamburgers in my body is probably around 3. That's a 'thr' followed by two 'e's! / T-Rex: Guys! / T-Rex: That's an acceptable amount of friggin' burgers! / T-Rex: But to compare, the number of burgers in the universe is EVEN MORE. Let's lowball it and say it's at least a million right now: that's one followed by six zeroes! And that means that the percentage of the burgers in the universe right now that are INSIDE ME is... zero point zero zero / Dromiceiomimus: zero / T-Rex: zero / Utahraptor: zero / T-Rex: four! / Utahraptor: Are we sure there's a million burgers on the planet? That seems a little high. / T-Rex: Really? I thought it was low. People put hamburgers in warehouses, right? Burger warehouses? / Utahraptor: I guess? / T-Rex: ...anyway, this leads us nicely into my new business card slogan: / T-Rex: HELLO! I ATE THREE BURGERS TODAY! / T-Rex: "IT'S A START!"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1722
look, doctor, assuming it's at least PARTIALLY survivable, i'm going to order "off-menu" today. Narrator: A DISAPPOINTING DAY / T-Rex: Maybe I should get some laser eye surgery. / T-Rex: Maybe I should get some laser THIGH surgery! / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: Maybe I should think before I open my mouth / Narrator: THE END / Utahraptor: Whoah, pretty harsh on yourself th ere! / T-Rex: Not really! Laser thigh surgery's a dumb idea. / T-Rex: I'm not even sure what the lasers would do! / Utahraptor: What w- / T-Rex: And before you say "what WOULDN'T they do?" to cheer me up, know this: / T-Rex: They would not enhance your thighs, unless you think your thighs would be enhanced by TINY HOLES carve by the focused and mighty gaze of HYPERION HIMSELF. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: ... Okay yeah that does sound awesome
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1723
 

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